Latest / Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic / 04: How Self-Doubt Makes You Outsource Your Truth

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04: How Self-Doubt Makes You Outsource Your Truth · Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic

• 0:02
  Speaker: Before we get into today's episode, I wanna give you a little heads up.
• 0:06
  Speaker: When I recorded this one, my inner perfectionist was having a heyday and really wanted to redo it because it felt quite rambly.
• 0:16
  Speaker: But one of the whole reasons I'm doing this podcast is to stop polishing myself to death and just show up.
• 0:24
  Speaker: As I am.
• 0:25
  Speaker: So I decided to keep it.
• 0:27
  Speaker: It's a real moment and it captures what was happening inside me that day.
• 0:32
  Speaker: The story itself is about slipping into old patterns of doubt and learning to stay with myself instead of abandoning what I know.
• 0:41
  Speaker: And honestly, the messiness kind of fits, given the topic.
• 0:46
  Speaker: Alright, here it's.
• 0:48
  Speaker: Good morning, good afternoon, good evening.
• 0:51
  Speaker: Whenever you are listening to this.
• 0:54
  Speaker: I am.
• 0:56
  Speaker: Can I talk to you for a minute before we get started here, but how much I love coffee.
• 1:02
  Speaker: I was thinking about this.
• 1:04
  Speaker: There are very few things that make me feel as instantly uplifted is when I, when I drink my coffee.
• 1:12
  Speaker: So I'm just, I'm just gonna have a sip here.
• 1:13
  Speaker: Mm mm.
• 1:15
  Speaker: Mm.
• 1:17
  Speaker: Okay.
• 1:18
  Speaker: Thanks for bearing with me.
• 1:19
  Speaker: Speaking of being grateful for things, um, what I wanna talk about is the opportunity to be grateful for the things that trigger us.
• 1:31
  Speaker: So yesterday I was in a conversation with a woman.
• 1:36
  Speaker: For the sake of telling the story, we'll call her Heather.
• 1:39
  Speaker: Uh, it just makes it easier.
• 1:41
  Speaker: So Heather and I are chatting.
• 1:43
  Speaker: And we are talking about our respective podcast.
• 1:46
  Speaker: So whenever you're listening to this, you'll know that this conversation happened a couple months ago at least.
• 1:53
  Speaker: So anyway, I'm launching a podcast.
• 1:55
  Speaker: She's launching a podcast, and we're giving each other some feedback on different aspects of things that we want to do.
• 2:02
  Speaker: And she asked me to repeat what my title was and I said, oh, it's.
• 2:08
  Speaker: Spanish The lies outsmart the inner critic.
• 2:11
  Speaker: And she's like, yeah, I really like that.
• 2:12
  Speaker: You know, it's clever and such, but you know, outsmart your inner critic.
• 2:17
  Speaker: Anyone who's done parts therapy, you know, IFS, et cetera, will kind of know.
• 2:22
  Speaker: It's not about outsmarting your inner inner critic, it's really more about loving your inner critic and you know, making friends with your inner critic.
• 2:32
  Speaker: And it was really funny because everything she was saying is true.
• 2:37
  Speaker: I mean, really the way to outsmart, quote unquote your inner critic is through love and compassion and listening, because we know that those voices were either just simply conditioned into us or, you know, they were, they were decisions that we made.
• 2:57
  Speaker: These beliefs were decisions that we were made to keep us safe.
• 3:00
  Speaker: So.
• 3:01
  Speaker: It's not really the mind that's going to solve the mind.
• 3:05
  Speaker: So it's not really about outsmarting in the way that you might think.
• 3:09
  Speaker: But I really just wanted a subtitle that was a, you know, a little clever, a little cute, a little lighter than something like Heel your Inner critic or something.
• 3:20
  Speaker: And besides, I'm not a therapist, so I had been through this whole thought process before.
• 3:26
  Speaker: And even, talked it out with my AI coach, otherwise known as Chat, GPT.
• 3:32
  Speaker: He and I have become very close friends, and I thought I was solid on my decision, but you know, when someone says something to you that speaks to that voice, that doubt in your head, that was there.
• 3:47
  Speaker: Or maybe it wasn't even there.
• 3:48
  Speaker: In my case, it was already there.
• 3:50
  Speaker: I had already debated the subtitle, uh, for this podcast and then decided.
• 3:54
  Speaker: You know, in alignment with the teacher I had on podcasting, Kathy Heller, to just not, not sweat the small stuff.
• 4:06
  Speaker: Don't get so caught up in, you know, a subtitle really.
• 4:09
  Speaker: Yeah, my bigger goal is to provide value in the world to my listeners and to just share my voice authentically.
• 4:17
  Speaker: So here I was doubting myself and I could feel, you know, when you feel the constriction, in your stomach.
• 4:23
  Speaker: Even though, and especially since what she was saying was resonating and it wasn't inaccurate.
• 4:30
  Speaker: So I could hear myself kind of explaining and.
• 4:34
  Speaker: Little over-explaining my perspective.
• 4:38
  Speaker: And Heather was super well-meaning, I mean, the critiques we were giving each other were in service of the other person wanting them to be successful, to reach their target audiences, et cetera, et cetera.
• 4:48
  Speaker: So I knew, you know, this was not a criticism.
• 4:52
  Speaker: She was definitely coming from a good place.
• 4:54
  Speaker: And then she was like, you know, I'll give it some more thought.
• 4:57
  Speaker: And then I thought, I'll give it some more thought.
• 4:58
  Speaker: And anyway, eventually we got off the phone, I went back to.
• 5:04
  Speaker: Uh, Dr.
• 5:06
  Speaker: Chat, GPT and started having this dialogue, uh around revisiting the subtitle.
• 5:13
  Speaker: And then I just paused.
• 5:14
  Speaker: I thought, wow, you know, I can feel myself in the spin.
• 5:18
  Speaker: It, it felt like this, I call it the spin of insanity, right?
• 5:23
  Speaker: And it's, I could feel the perfectionism and I could feel the need for approval to come up.
• 5:29
  Speaker: I called my younger sister.
• 5:33
  Speaker: I have two sisters.
• 5:34
  Speaker: I called the youngest sister, and she's almost nine years younger than me, and at least nine years wiser than me.
• 5:41
  Speaker: And I started to talk about this because I could feel that I was, kind of like abandoning.
• 5:49
  Speaker: And she's very good at reminding me because, you know, no matter how far you are on this path you need people.
• 5:56
  Speaker: Who can reflect back to you what you're doing, even when you think you know it and you see it.
• 6:01
  Speaker: I could see what I was doing, but I was, it's like an addiction.
• 6:04
  Speaker: In fact, I think it probably is an addiction that cortisol or those stress hormones that come when something happens and somebody doesn't agree with us or gives us, you know, some feedback or critique, and there's something in that that makes me want to control it and fix it.
• 6:23
  Speaker: So, anyway.
• 6:23
  Speaker: My sister was saying to me why do you let people derail you?
• 6:29
  Speaker: Well-meaning or not this is between, you and your higher power or God.
• 6:35
  Speaker: You know, if part of what I'm here to share in the world is this podcast, it's really, for me.
• 6:41
  Speaker: To decide what to name it.
• 6:44
  Speaker: Now, it doesn't mean that you're not open to people's feedback, but there's a certain point where you draw the line, you say, I have chosen this, and you move forward, and I was reopening that door of doubt, which is an old pattern, and I can see the pattern of just outsourcing decisions.
• 7:02
  Speaker: It was always very scary to make a decision that.
• 7:06
  Speaker: Not a hundred percent of the people in my life agreed with, uh, make a decision that I might be judged for or made fun of.
• 7:17
  Speaker: And there's something very juicy.
• 7:19
  Speaker: You know, when you're afraid of making a mistake or you're afraid of failing, if you outsource that decision, you say, well, you know, most people said I should do a.
• 7:30
  Speaker: Even if my heart maybe is leaning towards B, everyone says they should do A, so I'm gonna do A.
• 7:36
  Speaker: You get that instant hit of approval, validation, belonging, and if it doesn't work out, you also have an out to blame those people who told you what to do and you listened to, you chose to listen to.
• 7:55
  Speaker: So it's kind of like a sneaky backdoor, like the ego is super sneaky.
• 7:59
  Speaker: That inner critic is super sneaky, and so we need to be really mindful and we need to be really aware, and for me, I had to really drop back into my heart to recognize the truth and the truth In this instance wasn't even about what Heather said or what I thought, or what Chat GPT thought the truth that I was getting when I really just sat with the question.
• 8:25
  Speaker: Rather than go outside to ask questions, I don't know about you, but I have a long history of asking everyone in my circle what I should do about certain things.
• 8:39
  Speaker: And again, there is wisdom in the tribe.
• 8:43
  Speaker: But it can also be a really bad habit that undermines our muscle to make a choice and live out that choice for good or for bad.
• 8:55
  Speaker: There's something in it for us.
• 8:56
  Speaker: So, circling back to the name of my podcast, um, I knew deep down when I, after getting off the phone with my sister and just kind of sitting with it, it really doesn't matter.
• 9:10
  Speaker: Like I knew that it really didn't matter the truth in this particular, like there are decisions that really do matter and in this instance.
• 9:16
  Speaker: Whether I call it this or that, if somebody chooses to listen, if they choose to be drawn.
• 9:22
  Speaker: I believe so much of that is energetic and has very little to do with the color of my cover art or the name that I give it.
• 9:31
  Speaker: Like how many times are you drawn to a book or a teacher or something, you know, you were searching for answers and then it dropped in.
• 9:39
  Speaker: That was a magnetism that transcends.
• 9:43
  Speaker: All this logic, linear thinking that we have around things.
• 9:47
  Speaker: Well, if I do A, but then I'll get B.
• 9:49
  Speaker: You know, it's not so clear this cause and effect.
• 9:53
  Speaker: Um, so much of it is our intention and where our heart is positioned.
• 10:00
  Speaker: So the other thing I wanted to say about this is that so often these incidences, which feel uncomfortable, you know, something happens, someone says something.
• 10:12
  Speaker: It's easy to fail to recognize the gift.
• 10:19
  Speaker: So Heather gave me a great gift, not only the gift of her feedback, which you know, I appreciate.
• 10:25
  Speaker: It's not easy to give people feedback, especially if, you think that they may have a little reaction around it.
• 10:31
  Speaker: So it takes courage and it takes love.
• 10:33
  Speaker: And I knew she was coming from that place, but she gave me a bigger gift.
• 10:40
  Speaker: To show me that I still have this sneaky little door of self-doubt, which is a little too easy for me to open.
• 10:50
  Speaker: You know, we wanna put some locks and some seals, seal it with love and compassion and patience and forgiveness and just remember that.
• 11:01
  Speaker: Yeah, we can.
• 11:03
  Speaker: We can consult our tribe, we can look outside of us for answers.
• 11:08
  Speaker: And there are times, very specific times, you know, if I have an illness, I'm not going to diagnose myself necessarily.
• 11:13
  Speaker: I may check in first with self and say, do I have a sense of what this is about?
• 11:19
  Speaker: Is there something emotional that's causing this?
• 11:20
  Speaker: But then I will check in with a doctor, you know?
• 11:23
  Speaker: So there are definitely times you go outside of yourself for advice, guidance, healing.
• 11:29
  Speaker: But if you are like me and you have been riddled with self-doubt, perfectionism, those voices that say, you know what, other people probably know better, there is an opportunity to strengthen that muscle of self trust because, well, there's so many becauses, but the one that just pops in is like, it is so exhausting.
• 11:57
  Speaker: It is so exhausting trying to be constantly validated and to belong.
• 12:03
  Speaker: And the irony around belonging, is that when you make yourself to be whoever you think others want you to be, the decisions you, think they want you to make for like a nanosecond, you feel safe, right?
• 12:22
  Speaker: Everybody approves.
• 12:23
  Speaker: Check, you belong, you're good, whatever.
• 12:26
  Speaker: But then a couple things happen.
• 12:28
  Speaker: Number one, you practice the art of self abandonment, and that starts to feel really empty, confusing, and then it just contributes to even more doubt and confusion down the road because you're moving farther and further away from your own truth.
• 12:46
  Speaker: So how can you possibly make decisions with ease and stand in confidence?
• 12:50
  Speaker: When you really don't know what you want because you have watered down that voice, you have just ignored it for so long.
• 12:58
  Speaker: But the other piece is, whenever you compromise yourself to belong in whatever capacity or to get validation, it's really hollow because you know that that validation is not based on people validating your truth.
• 13:16
  Speaker: You just put something out there that you thought that they wanted to hear, so they're not really seeing you.
• 13:22
  Speaker: It's that whole sense like, oh, if they only knew who I really was and for years I carried that because I would hide aspects of myself that I was ashamed of.
• 13:32
  Speaker: You know, I always felt slightly different.
• 13:35
  Speaker: I was often, interested in things that my circle of friends were not, and I would just dampen that.
• 13:43
  Speaker: Instead of just being me and attracting my tribe, you know, it was always about fitting in and notoriously doing this in.
• 13:52
  Speaker: Romantic relationships and it really is all about control, right?
• 13:57
  Speaker: It's like I'm gonna show you this side of me so I can control the way you feel about me and be guaranteed that you're gonna like me and love me because I'm going to just mold myself.
• 14:06
  Speaker: And it's not necessarily an often isn't a very conscious decision.
• 14:11
  Speaker: For me, it became like a default.
• 14:13
  Speaker: I'm very empathic and very good at reading the room and.
• 14:18
  Speaker: That was a survival instinct growing up through my childhood.
• 14:23
  Speaker: And, it doesn't make it bad or wrong, but I can be very attuned to perceiving what I think people need and want to hear from me.
• 14:35
  Speaker: So I wanted to share this little anecdote and invite you.
• 14:42
  Speaker: You know, in those moments where you're sitting with confusion in those moments where you're wanting to ask a friend, and that becomes two friends and then three friends, and then, maybe we even do a social media post asking for opinions.
• 14:57
  Speaker: Um, just really ask yourself, is this something truly that you need everybody's opinion on?
• 15:03
  Speaker: Because like, really it's like a lack of information or something like that, or.
• 15:09
  Speaker: Are you going outside of yourself?
• 15:12
  Speaker: Because there is a level of discomfort in choosing to simply follow your gut, follow your intuition, to sit and tap into a deeper knowledge.
• 15:26
  Speaker: There's a discomfort in going there.
• 15:28
  Speaker: You're not practiced at it.
• 15:29
  Speaker: And that you're seeking some form of safety in crowdsourcing your decisions and just recognize the trade off that safety comes at a huge cost, at a huge personal cost.
• 15:44
  Speaker: I can say this with a hundred percent certainty.
• 15:47
  Speaker: So practice with small things.
• 15:49
  Speaker: It could be silly.
• 15:51
  Speaker: Somebody asks you, where do you wanna go to dinner?
• 15:52
  Speaker: I don't know.
• 15:53
  Speaker: Where do you wanna go to dinner?
• 15:54
  Speaker: And if you truly know where you would wanna go to dinner, this is the time to say.
• 15:57
  Speaker: I would love to get some Mexican food or whatever it is that you're craving, right?
• 16:03
  Speaker: And if the other person has invited you, you are free to just step into that invitation and ask for what you want.
• 16:11
  Speaker: Speak your truth seems silly, but when we practice in these small moments, this is, it's like doing weights at the gym.
• 16:19
  Speaker: You start with the five pound, then it's the eight pound, then it's the 10, and you work your way up.
• 16:23
  Speaker: So naming my podcast was probably not a five pound, and it wasn't a hundred pound, it wasn't like that significant, but it still managed to trigger that part of me that is like, am I doing this right?
• 16:35
  Speaker: What are people gonna think?
• 16:36
  Speaker: Are they, you know, I started thinking like, are people gonna think my God, this woman knows nothing?
• 16:42
  Speaker: I mean, if she doesn't know that you don't outsmart your inner critic with your mind.
• 16:46
  Speaker: And I started going down this rabbit hole of what other people are gonna think, and it's so ridiculous.
• 16:51
  Speaker: People often don't care.
• 16:55
  Speaker: Okay?
• 16:56
  Speaker: They don't care about the veneer and the cover.
• 16:58
  Speaker: They want substance and they're not gonna be stopped because I used the wrong word.
• 17:03
  Speaker: So yeah, that's just one example.
• 17:06
  Speaker: So again, just an invitation to be yourself.
• 17:14
  Speaker: Be willing to be disliked.
• 17:17
  Speaker: I make it sound like that's so easy, right?
• 17:19
  Speaker: Be willing to be disliked.
• 17:21
  Speaker: That's huge.
• 17:22
  Speaker: That's hard.
• 17:22
  Speaker: Everything, everything in our surrounding, all the media, all the marketing, everything is about looking good enough, being good enough, smart enough, rich enough, whatever, all the things.
• 17:32
  Speaker: Why do we do all the things?
• 17:33
  Speaker: Is to be long, is to get validation, is to look good enough to the people around us and what's so.
• 17:43
  Speaker: Crazy and funny when you think about it is like we're all a bunch of people doing the same thing.
• 17:48
  Speaker: So I'm trying to get your approval, you're trying to get my approval.
• 17:51
  Speaker: We're playing this really dumb game.
• 17:54
  Speaker: And for what and at what cost.
• 17:57
  Speaker: So bottom line, name your podcast, whatever you want, okay?
• 18:03
  Speaker: That's not the main takeaway.
• 18:04
  Speaker: Um, do what is in your heart to do.
• 18:10
  Speaker: Speak your truth, be you.
• 18:12
  Speaker: And just see where it lands.
• 18:16
  Speaker: Start with the small stuff and see where it lands.
• 18:19
  Speaker: And over time, the discomfort of maybe getting some disapproval is gonna be far outweighed by the joy of finding yourself.
• 18:30
  Speaker: So I'll leave you with that.
• 18:33
  Speaker: Blessings to you.
• 18:35
  Speaker: Have a fabulous rest of day or night whenever you're listening to this.
• 18:40
  Speaker: Cheers.
• 18:41
  Speaker: Thanks for listening to Banish The Lies.
• 18:47
  Speaker: If today's episode resonated with you, take a moment to let it settle in.
• 18:52
  Speaker: And maybe share it with a friend who could use it too.
• 18:54
  Speaker: Lies, lose their power when we're brave enough to challenge them.
• 18:58
  Speaker: I'm Tani Cervoni, and until next time, be kind to yourself.
• 19:03
  Speaker: And remember, you're not broken, you're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.