Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Life Advice | I caught my husband on Grindr & How to overcome FOMO and doubt in your 20s

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Life Advice | I caught my husband on Grindr & How to overcome FOMO and doubt in your 20s · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:20
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:24
Speaker 1: This is a Head Noise, a life advice episode, and
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Speaker 1: I have your voicemails sent in. This is where you
0:31
Speaker 1: guys submit your beautiful voices through the website directly to me,
0:36
Speaker 1: and then we can all hear your amazing voices. So
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Speaker 1: I really, really enjoy, I enjoy all Head Noise episodes.
0:41
Speaker 1: I love giving advice to you guys. And it's so
0:44
Speaker 1: interesting because When I talk to people about my podcast,
0:49
Speaker 1: like listeners of the podcast, even my own family members
0:52
Speaker 1: and friends, it's so interesting what people love about the podcast.
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Speaker 1: There are some people that are like, oh, I like,
0:56
Speaker 1: I love your episodes, but the head noise ones are
0:59
Speaker 1: the ones I live for because I can always take
1:01
Speaker 1: a piece of advice, even if it doesn't apply to
1:02
Speaker 1: my life, or I can always then use that advice
1:05
Speaker 1: and maybe share it with a friend. And I love it.
1:07
Speaker 1: Like my mom's favorite episodes are the head noise episodes
1:10
Speaker 1: more than anything else. She fucking loves them. But then
1:12
Speaker 1: I've got other people that are like, I don't care
1:13
Speaker 1: for them. I love the science episodes and I love
1:16
Speaker 1: So at first I was like, oh God, do I
1:18
Speaker 1: like lean into one or the other? And now I'm like, well,
1:21
Speaker 1: I guess I'm kind of pleasing both groups. There are
1:24
Speaker 1: people that like them all. There are people that prefer
1:26
Speaker 1: listener advice versus like the science-y ones. So I guess
1:30
Speaker 1: I get to do a bit of everything that I love.
1:33
Speaker 1: So anyway, that's a little rant about my passions in life.
1:37
Speaker 1: Let's get straight into it. I'm not going to give
1:39
Speaker 1: a life update. Life is fabulous. Fabulous. Actually, I had
1:43
Speaker 1: a terrible sleep because the boy's got vaccinated yesterday and
1:47
Speaker 1: they were hot and bothered with a bit of a fever.
1:50
Speaker 1: But they're doing very well and they are both in
1:53
Speaker 1: the 95th percentile for weight and height. They're tanks. They're
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Speaker 1: two tanks that like just bulldozer everything and they're very
2:01
Speaker 1: fucking cute. Anyway, let's get into it. First question.
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Speaker 2: Hi, Alexis. Love the pod. Hope you're well. Hope everyone
2:09
Speaker 2: listening is well. So like many others, I really struggle
2:13
Speaker 2: with comparison self-doubt feeling like I'm not good enough and
2:18
Speaker 2: feeling like I'm behind. This is something that I've dealt
2:21
Speaker 2: with my entire life, but I found it's become increasingly
2:25
Speaker 2: worse as I've neared my mid-twenties. So I'm almost 25
2:29
Speaker 2: and I know that that is so young, but I
2:32
Speaker 2: find that when I meet people who are maybe only
2:34
Speaker 2: just entering their twenties and I'm hearing about all of
2:38
Speaker 2: the cool things that they've done with their lives that
2:42
Speaker 2: I just wouldn't have even thought of doing at 20.
2:44
Speaker 2: And experiences that I am yet to have. Then I
2:50
Speaker 2: find myself feeling so much regret and this fear that
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Speaker 2: I've not made the most of my 20s. Then I
2:59
Speaker 2: have this real urge to go off and do things
3:02
Speaker 2: purely just to then feel like I'm worthy and not
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Speaker 2: just for my own enjoyment. The thing is, I don't
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Speaker 2: really have any reason to feel this way because I
3:13
Speaker 2: actually have done so many cool things that I'm super
3:16
Speaker 2: proud of that a lot of people would be, you know,
3:20
Speaker 2: like would dream of being able to do. So I'm
3:23
Speaker 2: super lucky. But I do this a lot and it's
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Speaker 2: really become increasingly worse and it's getting in the way.
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Speaker 2: So I would really love any advice on how to
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Speaker 2: reframe this.
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Speaker 3: Thank you.
3:36
Speaker 1: Okay. Thank you so much for sending that in. This
3:39
Speaker 1: is a really, really, really great question. And I feel
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Speaker 1: like I can do an entire episode based around this
3:44
Speaker 1: because the experience that you're feeling is quite common for
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Speaker 1: people in their 20s, especially in their mid to late 20s.
3:51
Speaker 1: And sometimes it feels like, oh my God, am I
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Speaker 1: the only one experiencing this? I very much went through
3:56
Speaker 1: exactly what you're going through right now. And it's a very, very,
4:00
Speaker 1: very shared or common experience. I think because of what
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Speaker 1: the decade of 20s represents in people's lives. You're an adult,
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Speaker 1: but you're not fully, fully established as like a professional.
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Speaker 1: You might, for many people, especially more so now, I believe,
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Speaker 1: you might not have a family yet or you might
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Speaker 1: not have a long-term partner. So you're kind of in
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Speaker 1: this decade where it really is the building phase. I
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Speaker 1: call your 20s intentional trial and error phase. So it's
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Speaker 1: not a decade to be wasted, like, oh, I'll get
4:32
Speaker 1: serious when I'm 30. Like, I think this is the
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Speaker 1: time where you're really doing a lot of building. But
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Speaker 1: at the same time, you're really welcoming failure, errors, you're welcoming,
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Speaker 1: I'm just going to go down that avenue because it's
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Speaker 1: potentially interesting. The more experiences you can get that you
4:47
Speaker 1: want to have, obviously, not not not more is more
4:51
Speaker 1: in the sense of like, well, I really don't want
4:52
Speaker 1: to do that. I'm forcing myself to do that. But
4:54
Speaker 1: if you're interested, you follow that, you go down that path,
4:57
Speaker 1: you go through those open doors and windows and all
4:59
Speaker 1: of that, then it's really fleshing you out for when
5:03
Speaker 1: you enter your 30s. But we all reach this, well,
5:07
Speaker 1: not all, I'm sure there's many people that aren't burdened
5:10
Speaker 1: by this particular feeling. But in my mid-20s, and I've
5:15
Speaker 1: spoken about this before, I felt older and than what
5:18
Speaker 1: I do now in my thirties. And it was because
5:21
Speaker 1: of comparing myself to where I think I should be,
5:24
Speaker 1: to where my peers are. I would go between comparing
5:27
Speaker 1: myself to my peers who were putting down deposits on
5:30
Speaker 1: properties in their mid twenties, don't even talk to me.
5:35
Speaker 1: And then I'd compare myself to other friends who were
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Speaker 1: having these elaborate travels and this and that, who didn't
5:41
Speaker 1: have a dollar to their name. So I'm like, what
5:43
Speaker 1: is my problem? Do I want this not a dollar
5:46
Speaker 1: to my name, traveling the world and building all these experiences?
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Speaker 1: Because I'm envious of that. But then I'm also envious
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Speaker 1: of this. And I think it was just that thing
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Speaker 1: of like, where am I supposed to be? What is
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Speaker 1: the goal? What is the benchmark that I'm supposed to
6:00
Speaker 1: be hitting? And the answer is there is none. At
6:04
Speaker 1: this time in your life, there is none. And it's
6:06
Speaker 1: very easy to compare yourself to where other people are at,
6:10
Speaker 1: because that's just what we do. but we always have
6:14
Speaker 1: to bring it back and remind ourselves what are the
6:16
Speaker 1: key things that are most important to us right now.
6:19
Speaker 1: Like you said, you've had many good experiences in your life.
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Speaker 1: So it's not something that you can use as a
6:25
Speaker 1: teacher where you're like, well, maybe this is telling me
6:28
Speaker 1: that I need to be a bit more adventurous. You're saying,
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Speaker 1: I have been adventurous. I've done things that are really,
6:32
Speaker 1: really cool. But what you can look at when you
6:35
Speaker 1: come up with these feelings is say, what is the
6:37
Speaker 1: key urge that comes up for me? Is it that
6:41
Speaker 1: I want more career opportunities? ambitions? Is it that I
6:47
Speaker 1: want more adventure in my life? Is it that like,
6:50
Speaker 1: what am I afraid to regret? And I think when
6:54
Speaker 1: we frame it as what am I afraid to regret,
6:56
Speaker 1: we can be more decisive because it's easier to be
7:00
Speaker 1: cutthroat when you're looking at it from a position of
7:04
Speaker 1: kind of the deathbed test style. Like when I'm on
7:08
Speaker 1: my deathbed, really what would I have wanted out of
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Speaker 1: my twenties? And for me personally, And I'm glad that
7:16
Speaker 1: I got dumped and it pushed me to do all
7:17
Speaker 1: these things that I never would have done had I
7:19
Speaker 1: stayed in a relationship, blah, blah, blah. But for me personally,
7:21
Speaker 1: I know that I would have, I lived to the
7:24
Speaker 1: 20s that I wanted to, but I would have wanted
7:26
Speaker 1: to really have a lot of experiences. I would have
7:29
Speaker 1: wanted to pivot quite a few times. I would have
7:31
Speaker 1: wanted to have a really good trial and error decade.
7:36
Speaker 1: And only you can answer that question, but what won't
7:40
Speaker 1: I regret? If for you, it's like, no, I have
7:43
Speaker 1: a particular career in my life. And for me, there's
7:47
Speaker 1: nothing more important than knowledge acquisition to get as far
7:50
Speaker 1: as I can in that career. Say you want to
7:51
Speaker 1: get into, this is hypothetical, I'm talking to the broader
7:53
Speaker 1: audience here, but say it's like medicine or this or that.
7:56
Speaker 1: This is where you're putting all your fucking eggs in
7:57
Speaker 1: that basket. You are going hard on that thing and
8:00
Speaker 1: you are building and building and building so you can
8:02
Speaker 1: get to where you want to be.
8:03
Speaker 2: Great.
8:04
Speaker 1: For someone else, it might be, I know that I've
8:07
Speaker 1: got to get this out of my system and I
8:09
Speaker 1: need to travel and see as many places as possible.
8:12
Speaker 1: Money is not a thing for me right now. It
8:13
Speaker 1: is all about meeting as many people as I can,
8:16
Speaker 1: going to as many different cities. And for me, that
8:18
Speaker 1: is the thing, that is the itch I need to scratch.
8:21
Speaker 1: I know that if I'm 30, 40, 50, I'm going
8:23
Speaker 1: to look back and be like, why didn't you just
8:25
Speaker 1: fucking travel on the tightest budget and just make it
8:29
Speaker 1: happen and work around wherever you could work? For other people,
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Speaker 1: it's going to be, no, I want to have just
8:35
Speaker 1: peace of mind. I want to be someone that has hobbies.
8:38
Speaker 1: I want to be someone that tries different things, but
8:40
Speaker 1: I want to feel rooted and grounded in one location.
8:44
Speaker 1: I just want to really set my roots down in
8:46
Speaker 1: this particular city, grow some friendships. So what is it
8:50
Speaker 1: that you want? And you can have it all, But
8:54
Speaker 1: it's a matter of what do I need now? As
8:57
Speaker 1: far as a timeline perspective, what is something that is
9:01
Speaker 1: easiest to access when I'm in my 20s that might
9:03
Speaker 1: be a little bit harder to access when I'm in
9:05
Speaker 1: my 30s? So another thing for me, I thought, well,
9:08
Speaker 1: I'm likely going to have a family and a partner
9:10
Speaker 1: and all of that. So best I do as much
9:12
Speaker 1: of the independent things when I'm in my 20s than not.
9:16
Speaker 1: You might be someone that never wants to have a
9:17
Speaker 1: family or a partner or kids or anything like that.
9:20
Speaker 1: So you're like, well, that is not something I have
9:22
Speaker 1: to consider. So you've got to ask yourself, what is A,
9:27
Speaker 1: easiest to do in this decade? B, aligns with what
9:31
Speaker 1: I value? Because it's very easy to look at that
9:34
Speaker 1: person being like, oh God, that makes so much money,
9:36
Speaker 1: but I fucking hate their lifestyle. So I like the
9:39
Speaker 1: money that they're making, but I hate how they have
9:41
Speaker 1: to live in order to make that money. So then ultimately,
9:44
Speaker 1: I'm not actually jealous of their life. It's very easy
9:47
Speaker 1: to look at what people have and feel jealous until
9:49
Speaker 1: you really put yourself in their shoes and be like,
9:52
Speaker 1: the juice is not worth the squeeze, okay? So you've
9:54
Speaker 1: got to look at all these different things in your
9:56
Speaker 1: life and say, what's easiest to do in my 20s?
9:59
Speaker 1: What do I value the most? And what don't I
10:04
Speaker 1: want to regret? So when I'm looking back, what will
10:07
Speaker 1: I be like? Yeah, that was the thing that I
10:08
Speaker 1: wanted to do. Because your 20s are not to be wasted,
10:13
Speaker 1: but also not to be super conservative. The only time
10:17
Speaker 1: I would recommend you be quite conservative in your 20s,
10:20
Speaker 1: if it is one of those crazy degrees and you
10:22
Speaker 1: know exactly what you want, like medicine, where it literally
10:24
Speaker 1: takes like 10, 15 years to get to that crazy
10:28
Speaker 1: specialist thing, then yes, okay. That would be an exception
10:32
Speaker 1: to the rule, okay? But if you can build it
10:35
Speaker 1: out in that way and you think of I want
10:38
Speaker 1: to make as many intentional decisions in my 20s as possible.
10:42
Speaker 1: Even if they fail, that doesn't matter as long as
10:44
Speaker 1: it was intentional, then I'm going to feel really, really good.
10:47
Speaker 1: When you enter your 30s, if you have that mindset
10:50
Speaker 1: of like, I'm going to be intentional with my decisions,
10:52
Speaker 1: I'm going to try and you know, intentional trial and error.
10:56
Speaker 1: I'm not going to look at failure as too much
10:57
Speaker 1: of a bad thing because it's going to build me
10:59
Speaker 1: and point me into the right direction that I want
11:00
Speaker 1: to go. You are going to feel so fucking young
11:03
Speaker 1: when you turn 30. You're going to be like, wow,
11:05
Speaker 1: I'm equipped with all this experience, all these really great memories,
11:08
Speaker 1: probably heaps of really good relationships that I've collected along
11:11
Speaker 1: the way around the world in my life or in
11:13
Speaker 1: this city in my time. And I'm going to feel very,
11:16
Speaker 1: very excited about this new decade to come in my life.
11:20
Speaker 1: As someone in my 30s, you know, where you're building,
11:22
Speaker 1: you know, at a different level with a different kind
11:24
Speaker 1: of mindset and, you know, an extra layer of emotional
11:28
Speaker 1: maturity as well. So I think you've got all the
11:32
Speaker 1: right things happening for you. It's just a matter of
11:35
Speaker 1: perspective and how you're looking at your situation. Hopefully that
11:38
Speaker 1: helped you. Hopefully that helped anyone else that's kind of
11:41
Speaker 1: in a situation like that because, yeah, I was like
11:43
Speaker 1: that too, for sure. And annoyingly, I kind of struggled
11:49
Speaker 1: with that feeling. right up until pretty much I turned
11:52
Speaker 1: 30 or around the year of 30, where things really
11:56
Speaker 1: started to like change for me. I, you know, my
11:59
Speaker 1: mom used to say to me, you wait till you
12:00
Speaker 1: turn 30. That is the best decade. You are going
12:03
Speaker 1: to absolutely love it. And I was thinking, oh God,
12:05
Speaker 1: that's really old. Now I'm 30 feeling, well, I'm 37
12:08
Speaker 1: feeling younger than ever. And I just, it was so true.
12:11
Speaker 1: Something clicked the moment I turned 30 and I just, yeah,
12:15
Speaker 1: fucking loved myself sick. So hopefully that's the same for you,
12:18
Speaker 1: but hopefully you don't also have to wait another few
12:21
Speaker 1: years for that. You can have that feeling sooner rather
12:23
Speaker 1: than later. Okay, next question. I've recognized a pattern in
12:30
Speaker 1: my life.
12:39
Speaker 4: I think you've spoken about it before in an episode
12:41
Speaker 4: about memory and phobias, but it's the idea that if
12:46
Speaker 4: I've struggled with a certain scenario in the past, the
12:50
Speaker 4: situation then feels exacerbated the next time something similar happens,
12:55
Speaker 4: as I'm reminded of last time's pain instead of seeing
12:58
Speaker 4: this as a new scenario. For example, in the past,
13:02
Speaker 4: I've struggled with feeling lost when a job ends and
13:06
Speaker 4: I'm left with the.
13:07
Speaker 1: Question of what to do next.
13:09
Speaker 4: Now, whenever a similar situation occurs, like my lease ends
13:13
Speaker 4: or something, it's like I feel doubly anxious because I'm
13:17
Speaker 4: remembering last time's pain instead of seeing.
13:20
Speaker 5: This as an exciting new opportunity as to what could
13:23
Speaker 5: come next. Another example is I went through a breakup
13:26
Speaker 5: last year and really struggled afterwards. Recently, we reconnected, but
13:31
Speaker 5: it didn't last. And now, I could only feel the
13:34
Speaker 5: pain of.
13:35
Speaker 4: Last time it happened instead of seeing this as a
13:37
Speaker 4: new situation post all the growth and work I did
13:41
Speaker 4: to realize he's not even the right guy for me.
13:45
Speaker 4: So how do I stop feeling the pain or anxiety
13:51
Speaker 4: of a past situation every time a similar situation occurs
13:55
Speaker 4: to me for the first time? Thank you, love you
13:58
Speaker 4: so much. Been listening since taking a leap of faith. Thanks, Alexis.
14:03
Speaker 1: That is amazing that you've been listening since episode one
14:06
Speaker 1: and now we're at like 545 or something like that,
14:09
Speaker 1: which is unhinged behavior, but thank you for your support.
14:13
Speaker 3: Okay.
14:14
Speaker 1: Very good question. As always, you guys always give the
14:17
Speaker 1: best questions. Love it. Now, I'm going to talk about
14:19
Speaker 1: two separate things because I feel like the dating one
14:22
Speaker 1: is a little bit different to the other life scenarios.
14:25
Speaker 1: So I want to kind of touch on both. With
14:27
Speaker 1: the dating one, what's happened here, and this has happened
14:30
Speaker 1: to me, to many people as well, but When you
14:33
Speaker 1: go through a breakup, if you don't fully heal from
14:39
Speaker 1: that and move on from that, that scar or pain
14:44
Speaker 1: point stays with you for a very long time. But
14:50
Speaker 1: often it's masked by something else. So I'll give you
14:53
Speaker 1: an example. You go through a major breakup and then
14:55
Speaker 1: you have a fling with someone else. If you hadn't
14:59
Speaker 1: had the fling, you would be deep in this heartbreak
15:02
Speaker 1: phase of your life. But sometimes a fling is a
15:05
Speaker 1: really good distractor. It's like a pacifier. It's not actually,
15:09
Speaker 1: you're not doing the work to heal from the original breakup,
15:11
Speaker 1: but it's a bit of a pacifier. So you're like, oh,
15:13
Speaker 1: ha ha, this fling is fun, whatever. And even if
15:15
Speaker 1: it's not, it's not with the person you broke up with,
15:16
Speaker 1: it's someone else. But then that ends. And even if
15:20
Speaker 1: you weren't that in love with this new fling, but
15:22
Speaker 1: it was entertaining, it was enough to take your mind
15:24
Speaker 1: off the original heartbreak, when that fling ends, you then
15:27
Speaker 1: feel the pain of the initial breakup twofold. It's like
15:32
Speaker 1: this massive gap. It's this massive void. It feels like, oh,
15:37
Speaker 1: like I thought I'd made all this progress, but in reality,
15:40
Speaker 1: I haven't made progress. What has happened was that when
15:43
Speaker 1: you bring in a distractor, as far as breakups go,
15:46
Speaker 1: you are putting off or pacifying the the original pain
15:50
Speaker 1: that you're feeling, the work of healing and processing and
15:53
Speaker 1: letting go and moving on is put on hold. And
15:58
Speaker 1: then for you to then be thrown back into, actually,
16:02
Speaker 1: this is going nowhere. This actually has ended. It kind
16:05
Speaker 1: of reminds you of, oh, this is actually where I was.
16:08
Speaker 1: And now I feel like I've taken even more steps
16:10
Speaker 1: back because why am I still hurting over something that
16:12
Speaker 1: ended ages ago when I should be here, but now
16:14
Speaker 1: I'm here. And so we feel very lost. We feel
16:17
Speaker 1: very desperate. We feel about abandonment pain. It's just horrible.
16:21
Speaker 1: So it all comes down to how much of the
16:25
Speaker 1: work can you do as far as healing and the
16:28
Speaker 1: breakup in the initial breakup. For you, the reason why
16:32
Speaker 1: the pain came back so much more is because you
16:35
Speaker 1: never fully got over it in the initial breakup. And
16:40
Speaker 1: then It was such, as far as from the brain standpoint,
16:44
Speaker 1: and I've got that episode on the neuroscience of heartbreak
16:46
Speaker 1: and what's happening from a connectivity and chemical standpoint in
16:49
Speaker 1: our brain, that came out, I think, one or two
16:51
Speaker 1: weeks ago. You would understand that all these withdrawals were
16:55
Speaker 1: put on hold. You no longer were feeling the withdrawals.
16:57
Speaker 1: You were feeling that kind of dopamine rush again. So
17:00
Speaker 1: all of that went away instantly. Even if deep down
17:05
Speaker 1: or even subconsciously you were like, maybe this won't go anywhere,
17:08
Speaker 1: maybe it will, maybe it won't, it doesn't matter. As
17:09
Speaker 1: far as were you getting your hit of what you
17:11
Speaker 1: needed to get to pacify the original pain? Yes, you were.
17:14
Speaker 1: So then all these things went away and then the
17:16
Speaker 1: breakup happened. So of course, it's reminding you of the
17:18
Speaker 1: first time. The only way you're going to get rid
17:20
Speaker 1: of that completely is as far as when we're talking
17:23
Speaker 1: about the dating scene, is if you are able to
17:27
Speaker 1: really put in that work of like closing that chapter, healing,
17:30
Speaker 1: going through it. Now that's not to say you're not
17:32
Speaker 1: allowed to date when you're trying to get over someone,
17:35
Speaker 1: but I really don't recommend dating in like the depths
17:38
Speaker 1: of heartbreak that I highly like discourage for yourself and
17:42
Speaker 1: for the other person. But it's also, it kind of
17:47
Speaker 1: clouds your mind as to like where you are in
17:49
Speaker 1: your healing journey, what you actually want, where your standards are,
17:53
Speaker 1: what's a healthy relationship, what's a good connection and all
17:56
Speaker 1: of that. So I'm glad that you've kind of like
17:58
Speaker 1: now moved on and processed all of that, but that's
18:00
Speaker 1: why that pain was happening with that relationship. Now let's
18:03
Speaker 1: look at other things. If, for example, the lease ending
18:07
Speaker 1: or the job ending represented a lot of pain for you,
18:11
Speaker 1: then you're going to, every time you remember something, you
18:15
Speaker 1: remember the last time you remembered it, as weird as
18:19
Speaker 1: that is. So if I look back and think, oh
18:21
Speaker 1: my God, that time that I got, like that my
18:23
Speaker 1: job ended or I got made redundant or I got fired,
18:25
Speaker 1: it was so horrible. And then I start layering it
18:28
Speaker 1: with depth and emotion. It was awful. Oh my God.
18:30
Speaker 1: And then this, and I remember that talk. And then
18:33
Speaker 1: I start feeling all these feelings. Then the next time
18:36
Speaker 1: I remember that situation, I'm going to not only remember
18:39
Speaker 1: what happened, but I'm going to remember the times that
18:42
Speaker 1: I've recalled it and lay it on more pain, more pain,
18:45
Speaker 1: more pain, more context and emotions and this and that
18:49
Speaker 1: and make really intense. This is what happens when we
18:53
Speaker 1: do therapy, but in reverse. We recall an event that
18:56
Speaker 1: caused us pain and we kind of layer it with
19:00
Speaker 1: things that are helpful for us this time round. So
19:04
Speaker 1: we process it differently. So then when we like bring
19:07
Speaker 1: up that memory, Process it, layer it with all these
19:10
Speaker 1: like rational thoughts and then we store it again. Then
19:12
Speaker 1: the next time we think about it, it's a bit
19:14
Speaker 1: less painful because we're like, oh yeah, but I actually
19:17
Speaker 1: learned this and this actually felt better and this and that.
19:19
Speaker 1: So you're kind of doing that self-therapy and it goes
19:21
Speaker 1: in both directions. You can either layer it to make
19:23
Speaker 1: it more painful next time you recall or retrieve that
19:26
Speaker 1: memory or layer it to be less painful to the
19:29
Speaker 1: extent that you could get it to a point where
19:32
Speaker 1: you look at a moment in life that used to
19:34
Speaker 1: be so fucking painful and And now you can recall
19:38
Speaker 1: that memory and almost be like, oh my God, that
19:41
Speaker 1: was actually like, there were funny bits in that. And
19:44
Speaker 1: you could actually look back on it with kinder eyes
19:46
Speaker 1: because of the amount of healing and processing you've done
19:48
Speaker 1: and all the good things. that have come of it since.
19:51
Speaker 1: So what I would recommend you do is if there's
19:54
Speaker 1: major pain points, like the loss of a job or
19:56
Speaker 1: a really difficult time where you had to move and
19:58
Speaker 1: maybe you weren't prepared or it was really hard or
19:59
Speaker 1: whatever it is, is that I would recall these memories
20:04
Speaker 1: with the intention to layer on things that have come
20:08
Speaker 1: from it that's good. So that way it's not such
20:11
Speaker 1: a pain point or not such a trigger point. That
20:14
Speaker 1: way the next time you experience something like this, instead
20:16
Speaker 1: of thinking, oh my God, again, why is this happening again?
20:19
Speaker 1: And now I'm experiencing this pain and I'm recalling that
20:21
Speaker 1: pain and now it's getting worse. Because when you do that,
20:23
Speaker 1: not only are you suffering so much more, but then
20:26
Speaker 1: you're adding more pain to the last emotion. And then
20:28
Speaker 1: when you bring up that last emotion, it's going to
20:30
Speaker 1: be more painful. So both events become more painful. Instead
20:33
Speaker 1: of that, you can think, you know, it's lucky that
20:36
Speaker 1: I've already gone through this. Because now I'm really equipped.
20:40
Speaker 1: As much as I hate moving, at least it's not
20:43
Speaker 1: my first time. This isn't my first rodeo. Like I
20:46
Speaker 1: fucking know what I'm doing. I'm really good at culling this.
20:48
Speaker 1: This is going to be an opportunity to fucking streamline
20:51
Speaker 1: my life. And I love getting rid of shit that
20:52
Speaker 1: I don't need or donating or whatever. So this is
20:55
Speaker 1: going to be really good. And then imagine the new
20:56
Speaker 1: space that I can have. And you start having a
20:59
Speaker 1: much more proactive approach and you start thinking, well, thank
21:01
Speaker 1: fuck I've gone through this before. So now I can
21:04
Speaker 1: be my own guide. I can hold my own hand
21:06
Speaker 1: through this. Whereas last time I was lost and desperate,
21:09
Speaker 1: now I know what I'm navigating. And it sucks that
21:13
Speaker 1: I have to be put through this again, but I'm
21:14
Speaker 1: not going to play the victim. It is what it is.
21:16
Speaker 1: And if I sit here and think, oh, it sucks
21:19
Speaker 1: and this and that, that can't be changed. So I'm
21:20
Speaker 1: not going to dwell. What I am going to do
21:23
Speaker 1: is be grateful for the lessons that I've learned. And
21:25
Speaker 1: I'm going to do something about that. Why go through
21:27
Speaker 1: something twice if I can't gain something out of it?
21:30
Speaker 1: Thank fuck I have already gone through that. This lesson
21:33
Speaker 1: I've already learned. That lesson I've already learned. I already
21:35
Speaker 1: know how to do this, this, this, this, this, and this,
21:36
Speaker 1: and this. And while it sucks, it's a fucking blessing
21:40
Speaker 1: that now it's going to make this time round so
21:42
Speaker 1: much faster. I remember, so I've in my life gone
21:45
Speaker 1: through two like major heartbreaks. And I remember the first
21:48
Speaker 1: one was just fucked. I thought I'd never recover. I
21:50
Speaker 1: was just a shell of my former self. Honestly, if
21:52
Speaker 1: you would just want to shake me, I was that
21:54
Speaker 1: fucking annoying. I was that annoying friend that can never
21:56
Speaker 1: get over the breakup. The second time round, which was
21:59
Speaker 1: on paper so much worse than the first time, I
22:03
Speaker 1: remember saying to myself, thank God this isn't my first
22:06
Speaker 1: time round. If this was the first time, I would
22:10
Speaker 1: just be drowning. And so instead of thinking, why is
22:14
Speaker 1: this happening again? I was thinking, oh my God, I
22:17
Speaker 1: am so much better equipped for what I'm about to
22:20
Speaker 1: go through right now. I have the tools. I have
22:23
Speaker 1: the skillset. And it sucks, but there's no way in
22:26
Speaker 1: hell I'm going to go through exactly what I went through.
22:29
Speaker 1: There's no way in hell it's going to take me
22:30
Speaker 1: as long to recover as There's no way in hell
22:32
Speaker 1: because I've learned all these things and I'm really grateful
22:35
Speaker 1: for that. So that's how you can reframe it. You
22:38
Speaker 1: stop thinking, why is this happening again to me? You
22:41
Speaker 1: stop asking these arbitrary, pointless questions out into the ether
22:45
Speaker 1: and you start thinking, I'm fucking in control this time round.
22:49
Speaker 1: So it's not necessarily saying that it's an enjoyable thing
22:51
Speaker 1: that you're going through and it's, you know, and when
22:54
Speaker 1: I'm talking about you can turn it into a game,
22:56
Speaker 1: it It's not a fun game necessarily, but it's a challenge.
23:03
Speaker 1: And it's a nice challenge because the only thing on
23:06
Speaker 1: the other side of that challenge is more resilience, self-improvement.
23:10
Speaker 1: It is more knowledge, more acquisition of skills. So while
23:16
Speaker 1: it's not a challenge that you probably would have voluntarily
23:19
Speaker 1: opted in for, it ends up being something that you
23:22
Speaker 1: go from being, I'm powerless, I'm the victim of something
23:25
Speaker 1: that's happening to me and not for me. And I'm
23:27
Speaker 1: not in control to being like, well, given that I'm
23:29
Speaker 1: not in control of that, what can I be in
23:31
Speaker 1: control of? I'm going to be in control of how
23:33
Speaker 1: I navigate it this time round. I'm going to be
23:36
Speaker 1: in control of the fact that I now actually know
23:38
Speaker 1: what to do this time round versus last time where
23:41
Speaker 1: I didn't know what to do. Last time I was
23:43
Speaker 1: a fucking shit show. And now I actually somewhat have
23:48
Speaker 1: my shit together. So you start feeling empowered. You go
23:53
Speaker 1: from feeling like a victim to feeling empowered. You go
23:57
Speaker 1: from feeling the pain twice as hard because you're dwelling
24:00
Speaker 1: on the pain and thinking, again, it's happened and now
24:04
Speaker 1: the pain. Turn it around. Every time you revisit that memory,
24:08
Speaker 1: you turn it around. Every time you layer with the
24:13
Speaker 1: feelings of like, I've learned this, I've learned that, I'm well-equipped. Imagine,
24:16
Speaker 1: compare the two versions of me. Compare me back then
24:19
Speaker 1: to me now. It might feel like I haven't changed,
24:21
Speaker 1: but when I really look at it, look at what
24:23
Speaker 1: I've gained, look at what I've learned, all this stuff
24:26
Speaker 1: would be different. And if it happened a third time,
24:29
Speaker 1: I'm very well-prepared. So instead of thinking, oh, I hope
24:32
Speaker 1: this never happens again, it can never happen again, you're thinking, well,
24:35
Speaker 1: if it does, I'm prepared. So I'm not sitting here
24:38
Speaker 1: being like avoidant and aversive and you're just thinking, I'm ready.
24:43
Speaker 1: I'm fucking ready. So that way you're not sitting in
24:46
Speaker 1: this fear. You're not reactive. You're proactive. I'm proactive. If
24:51
Speaker 1: I need to move, I'll do it again. Let's hope
24:53
Speaker 1: it doesn't happen anytime soon, but I'll do it again.
24:55
Speaker 1: If I have to go through a breakup, hate that
24:56
Speaker 1: for me, but I can do it and I'll be
24:58
Speaker 1: so much better equipped and I'll grow because look how
25:00
Speaker 1: much I grew since my last one. So I'll be
25:02
Speaker 1: fucking unstoppable if someone dumps me again. Watch out. So
25:05
Speaker 1: then your energy is so much more empowered. It is
25:09
Speaker 1: so much more resilient. Because shit is going to happen
25:12
Speaker 1: to you all the fucking time in your life. Life
25:15
Speaker 1: is about how you live alongside these obstacles and still
25:20
Speaker 1: live a good life and still maintain your relationships and
25:23
Speaker 1: your passions and things that you can get behind and
25:25
Speaker 1: things you can get excited about. You can't plan for
25:27
Speaker 1: a life where none of these obstacles happen because that
25:30
Speaker 1: is a very sheltered life. And what are you going
25:32
Speaker 1: to be doing? What are you going to be doing?
25:34
Speaker 1: Things are going to happen all the time that are
25:36
Speaker 1: not within your control. So your job in life is
25:39
Speaker 1: to navigate it with as much of an open mind
25:43
Speaker 1: and a resilient mind as possible. The more adaptable you
25:46
Speaker 1: are in life, the happier you are going to be.
25:48
Speaker 1: The more adaptable to change, to things not going your way,
25:53
Speaker 1: to learning where you can regain control versus where you
25:56
Speaker 1: have to relinquish control, that's what makes for a happy person.
26:01
Speaker 1: Feeling that nothing can change and things have to stay
26:04
Speaker 1: as they are is going to lead you to a
26:06
Speaker 1: very unsatisfied life. So I think you're on the right
26:09
Speaker 1: trajectory with how you wrote your question, but you need
26:12
Speaker 1: to lean in harder with that idea of, you know,
26:14
Speaker 1: reframing it and looking at taking the positives off it.
26:18
Speaker 1: So hopefully that helps. We have one question.
26:30
Speaker 3: Hi Alexis, thank you so much for your guidance over
26:34
Speaker 3: the last few years. Luckily I'd found you before I
26:38
Speaker 3: was in a terrible situation where my ex-husband cheated on
26:44
Speaker 3: me with another guy. He wasn't open about his sexuality
26:48
Speaker 3: and it really pulled the rug out from underneath me.
26:51
Speaker 3: Lately on social media I've been noticing a whole heap
26:55
Speaker 3: of women with similar circumstances most of them pregnant at
26:58
Speaker 3: the time, and they've found out that their partner's cheated
27:01
Speaker 3: on them on Grindr and that they haven't been open
27:03
Speaker 3: about it as well. Noticing the pattern there that we
27:07
Speaker 3: all tend to blame ourselves and think what we've done wrong.
27:10
Speaker 3: And I'm so thankful for those episodes that you've had
27:16
Speaker 3: that helped me realise it actually wasn't about me. And
27:19
Speaker 3: it helped me to trust myself more, even though my
27:23
Speaker 3: trust had been broken in him. So all these other
27:26
Speaker 3: little things fell into place because of that. And, you know,
27:29
Speaker 3: I've come out as a win.
27:30
Speaker 1: Yay.
27:31
Speaker 3: However, for all these women that are in those circumstances,
27:35
Speaker 3: and a lot of them are pregnant too, which is
27:38
Speaker 3: also a really common thing. So if you could unpack
27:40
Speaker 3: that maybe and help those lovely beings out there that
27:45
Speaker 3: are going through similar of what I've been. Thank you.
27:47
Speaker 1: Bye. That's a really good question. And thank you so
27:51
Speaker 1: much for sending that in. I actually, not only have
27:53
Speaker 1: I seen this, heard of it like directly through people
27:56
Speaker 1: that I know as well. And I've also had listeners
28:00
Speaker 1: write into me about this specifically. Now it's happened with,
28:06
Speaker 1: like you say, you've seen on social media that it
28:08
Speaker 1: tends to happen when people are pregnant. I've also seen
28:11
Speaker 1: it happen after the kids are born as well. So
28:13
Speaker 1: they've got a family and then they're on Grindr. Like
28:17
Speaker 1: that behavior to me, is outrageous. Outrageous. Because sexuality aside,
28:27
Speaker 1: and like, I need to explore my sexuality, a lie
28:29
Speaker 1: is a lie. Deception is deception. Going around and fucking
28:32
Speaker 1: all these other people behind your back, I don't care
28:35
Speaker 1: what the reason is, is bullshit, right? Like, Cheers, Kant,
28:40
Speaker 1: for shagging all these people and bringing God knows what
28:43
Speaker 1: into our bedroom, okay? Like it's just unacceptable behaviour. But
28:49
Speaker 1: I think, and this is not backed by anything, this
28:52
Speaker 1: is just a thought so I'm not going to like,
28:53
Speaker 1: you know, I'm sure there are studies maybe on it,
28:56
Speaker 1: but maybe the timing of why it happens at this
28:59
Speaker 1: time around pregnancy or the children is maybe this is
29:03
Speaker 1: a time where they're feeling a bit on the outside
29:07
Speaker 1: and And it's an opportunity for them to think more
29:12
Speaker 1: about their sexuality. Maybe these thoughts are a lot louder
29:15
Speaker 1: during this time in their life. And they're thinking, oh,
29:17
Speaker 1: I'm going to like maybe explore in this. And not
29:19
Speaker 1: only that, the wives are in their head. Maybe they're thinking, well,
29:24
Speaker 1: they've got a lot on at the moment. This is
29:25
Speaker 1: the time where they're not even going to be paying attention.
29:27
Speaker 1: They're not going to notice. They're not going to, you know,
29:29
Speaker 1: so I'm going to scratch this itch over here. how
29:35
Speaker 1: to navigate something like that. Firstly, exactly right that it's
29:41
Speaker 1: nothing to do about being your fault or not seeing
29:43
Speaker 1: this or not. I think a lot of people, especially
29:45
Speaker 1: if it's going for the opposite gender than what they are,
29:49
Speaker 1: they might think, well, how did I not see this
29:51
Speaker 1: and how did I? People are very, very, very good
29:55
Speaker 1: at suppressing parts of themselves. Don't ever feel like you
29:59
Speaker 1: should have seen a warning sign and you didn't. It's
30:02
Speaker 1: not your fault. It's not your burden to own. Yes,
30:06
Speaker 1: it sucks for them and that's a whole other thing,
30:09
Speaker 1: but this is not something that you've done or you
30:12
Speaker 1: should have this or you should have that. You entered
30:14
Speaker 1: a relationship where you fell in love and you believed
30:18
Speaker 1: it was the other way around and it was reciprocated.
30:20
Speaker 1: You were loyal and you believed it was reciprocal and
30:25
Speaker 1: And it just wasn't to be. And that's not something
30:29
Speaker 1: that you should feel shameful of. A lot of people
30:31
Speaker 1: feel ashamed when they are cheated on, whether it's with
30:35
Speaker 1: the same gender or whether they're actually gay and whatever.
30:40
Speaker 1: It's this sense of shame that they carry. That's not
30:42
Speaker 1: your shame to carry because what have you done with
30:46
Speaker 1: your actions that's shameful? And I think a lot of
30:50
Speaker 1: people really hide from telling other people when something like
30:53
Speaker 1: this has happened to them because they're like, oh, I'm mortified,
30:55
Speaker 1: I'm embarrassed, and I feel shy. But that shouldn't be
30:58
Speaker 1: the case. Now, as far as how to deal with
31:01
Speaker 1: something like that when it happens, every single person is
31:03
Speaker 1: going to navigate that differently. I know people that have
31:06
Speaker 1: chosen to stay with their husbands because they've worked through
31:08
Speaker 1: it and they're like, well, my husband is actually bisexual,
31:10
Speaker 1: so I know that he's attracted to me, but he
31:12
Speaker 1: also this, and now we have an open. That's completely
31:16
Speaker 1: how you choose to navigate it. Other people is like
31:18
Speaker 1: cheating is cheating. And no, other people are like, well,
31:21
Speaker 1: if you're gay, then you shouldn't be in this marriage.
31:24
Speaker 1: And why are you kind of stringing me along? This
31:25
Speaker 1: is crazy. So I can't tell people what to do
31:29
Speaker 1: during that time to navigate. But what I will do,
31:32
Speaker 1: what I will say is that if you think that
31:36
Speaker 1: you are in a loyal, monogamous relationship and someone's gone
31:41
Speaker 1: and cheated, the excuse that, oh, but I'm gay, whatever,
31:44
Speaker 1: that's not an excuse. Cheating. is cheating. The excuse that
31:48
Speaker 1: you needed to explore your sexuality is your fucking problem.
31:51
Speaker 1: Do it on your watch, not mine. If you want
31:53
Speaker 1: to explore your sexuality, love that for you, but not
31:59
Speaker 1: my problem. Okay. If you want to then be gay,
32:03
Speaker 1: that is okay, but not when you're married to a woman.
32:06
Speaker 5: Okay.
32:07
Speaker 1: So this is just, it's got nothing to do with,
32:11
Speaker 1: you have to look at it as like, what is
32:12
Speaker 1: my boundary? What is something that I want in my
32:16
Speaker 1: life versus something I don't want in my life? It's
32:19
Speaker 1: got to do with how does this affect me at
32:21
Speaker 1: the end of the day? Because I could start thinking, oh, well,
32:24
Speaker 1: you know, maybe they were suppressing their whole life that
32:27
Speaker 1: they were gay. Yeah, that's awful for them, and I
32:28
Speaker 1: hate that people have to go through that. Maybe this,
32:30
Speaker 1: maybe that, and I feel bad, and this, blah, blah, blah.
32:33
Speaker 1: Do you want to be cheated on or not? Do
32:35
Speaker 1: you want an open relationship or not? And then when
32:39
Speaker 1: you answer those two questions, then it's going to give
32:41
Speaker 1: you a lot more clarity of how to move forward
32:43
Speaker 1: from this. Because someone dabbling and like one thing that
32:50
Speaker 1: someone said to me is like, oh, well, when I
32:52
Speaker 1: caught my husband literally on Grindr, they said, oh, well,
32:56
Speaker 1: you know, I was just curious. I'm not actually gay.
32:58
Speaker 1: I was just curious. I'm not. Like, you're cheating. say
33:03
Speaker 1: every excuse you want under the sun, whether you believe
33:06
Speaker 1: that you're not gay, even though you're on Grindr, literally
33:10
Speaker 1: sleeping with other men, whether you believe that or not,
33:13
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, infidelity
33:18
Speaker 1: is infidelity. And if you want a monogamous relationship that's loyal,
33:23
Speaker 1: you need to rethink your situation. And it's not your shame.
33:27
Speaker 1: You've done nothing shameful in your behavior. So you need
33:30
Speaker 1: to take control of the situation. And you need to
33:33
Speaker 1: feel empowered with the ability to take control, with your
33:37
Speaker 1: own choices and what you're going to do next. It
33:40
Speaker 1: sucks what's happened, but what am I going to do
33:42
Speaker 1: next that makes me feel empowered and makes me feel
33:44
Speaker 1: like I'm taking control of my life again? I'm now
33:47
Speaker 1: in the driver's seat again. So that's what it ultimately
33:51
Speaker 1: comes down to, whether it's, you know, a gay affair
33:54
Speaker 1: or not. That's, you know, that's a whole other layer,
33:58
Speaker 1: but that's not the crux of it. That is all.
34:02
Speaker 1: That is my answer. But I'm glad that you wrote
34:04
Speaker 1: in because it is strangely a very common thing. So yeah,
34:08
Speaker 1: I think infidelity is a very common thing in general.
34:11
Speaker 1: So yeah. Anyway, thank you so much for sending your
34:14
Speaker 1: questions in. That is all for today's Head Noise question.
34:18
Speaker 1: If you do want to send in your listener questions,
34:20
Speaker 1: please email info at dyfmpod.com. Or if you would like
34:24
Speaker 1: to send in your voicemail, you could go to the website,
34:27
Speaker 1: which is www.dyfmpod.com. And in the dropdown menu, there's a
34:32
Speaker 1: little thing for you to submit your voice message. So
34:35
Speaker 1: thank you so much. As always, remember, be kind to yourself,
34:38
Speaker 1: be kind to your brain. Don't take shit from anyone
34:40
Speaker 1: and especially don't take shit from yourself. Danke.