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Letting Go Of Someone You still Love · Relationship Coaching Group Podcast

• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Relationship Coaching Group Podcast.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Whether this is your first visit or you've been following us, don't forget to download this podcast to reference later, because here we keep it real with scenarios, tips, and suggestions, everything relationship-centered.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, I'm Roxanne, your relationship coach and host, along with my co-host, the professor.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: And together we've been coaching couples and singles for over 20 years, and now we're here to work with you.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: So get ready for today's podcast, because we're going to be talking about letting go of someone you still love.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: But before we begin, let's welcome the professor.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, professor.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Hello.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: That is an awesome topic.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, we're gonna have fun with this one.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, we are.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: And just for our listeners, uh I'm never told about what we're gonna talk about until we actually sit down and she starts uh talking.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: So this is all new for me.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: And we do it this way because we want nothing rehearsed, nothing is rehearsed.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: We want to give it to you real and raw.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely, definitely.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I do have some pointers for this one, of course.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I always have pointers.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, listeners, get your pen and pencil ready because you may want to take notes.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: She's taking you to school, guys.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Definitely.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: All right, here's the deal.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Letting go of someone you still love is one of the hardest emotional decisions you'll ever make.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because the problem isn't lack of love, it's that love alone just isn't enough.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Professor, before I make my first point.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know, this is we have wow, this is such a big thing because when we do our sessions with uh individuals or couples, this is a big thing.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard for people to let go because they f still feel that there's something there that it's gonna come back.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: And letting go is so hard for some people.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Some people can just walk away and that's it, done.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: And you have some people that will hold on, they even get married, have another relationship, and still holding on to the past relationship.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: True, true.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And we get to the point one, you ready?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Go for it.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: The first point I want to make is you're not confused about how you feel, you're conflicted about what you're experiencing.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, you can deeply love someone who is not right for your life.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I I've heard women say that you can't control who you fall in love with.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: You've heard that before, perhaps.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I shall have.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: That may be so, but you can control how you act upon it.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: You may be in love with what they can do for you, but they may not be right for you.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, you may be in love with what they can, uh as I said, what they can do for you, but they're they're not right for you.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: You may be in love with the car they drive, but they're not right for you.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: You may be in love with the big house they have, but they may not be right for you.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: So you're in a hope loop, and you're not just holding on to the person, you're holding on to what they could be.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: I like that.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna use that more hope loop.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Hope loop.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: And that is such a great way to say it.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's a hope loop.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because we're always hoping that miraculously something's going to change.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I love the fact that you you say it.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: They've associated, and a lot of people do this men and women, associate their love for someone by who they are or what they have, not the emotional portion of it.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's the um element portion, the physical, the house, the car, the boat, the whatever.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: They they they attach that to the individual.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: Correct.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's more for women.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: You may be right.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think that's definitely more for women because men don't really um are not really attracted to women to what they have.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's more the physical.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas women, they take they have a nice car that makes you this type of person, or you have this house, you fall in love with this com this package that they've generated.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Thinking that they're again looking at what they could do for you or what they have that you could be a part of.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: But they're not right for your life.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, when I was a lot younger, I and I think a lot of women go th go through this.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: How much you said a lot.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: Is it like a lot, lot, lot, a lot?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, a lot.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of years ago.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I did it for a while until, Professor, I told myself, I don't want someone more than they want me less.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: You want me to say that again?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, please.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: I I had to tell myself, I don't want someone more than they want me less.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's deep.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And let I let go.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Even I'm getting school here today.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's deep.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'll take a notes, Professor.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm taking notes.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, that and that is so true.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: We cannot go through life buying a thinking you're getting a bundle.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we we it's we pick relationships like we're going shopping.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you you get a uh or you you go out for a meal and it's a bundle.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: You get your three meal, your three, you get appetizer, your mains, and your app and your uh dessert.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's how people are picking their relationships.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: It's a bundle.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, he's got this, he's got that, or the and he's pretty, he's good looking, and you've associated everything together.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now I have a another point.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: You ready for it?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Go for it.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: You avoid the truth, and love is a feeling.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: True functional relationships require you to be aligned.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: There has to be an an effort on both parties, and there needs to be consistency.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: So you you avoid the truth of what it really is because of what you think it could be.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's easy to avoid the truth because we don't pe people don't want to see the truth of what it is.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: You see it's everything from what you see in the relationship to alcoholism, drugs, all those things.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: We we people don't want to see that because they're scared of what everything is gonna really turn out to be that you've made a mistake or this was what did I do wrong?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: You start looking at yourself and blaming yourself for not just looking at the whole thing and going, this isn't right for me.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: And you can't love someone interchanging.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: No, you cannot.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: You cannot.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, could you how many times I can fix, I can you cannot fix somebody.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: If they're if you've married an alcoholic, they're going to remain an alcoholic, they're gonna remain a drug user, they're gonna remain an abuser, you cannot fix someone.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I think this is more again for women.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, ladies, but this is how it is.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Women think that they can change somebody and fix somebody, and in a relationship, we call that a fixer.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: No amount of patience will turn potential into reality if they're not choosing growth in the relationship.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then staying can cost you more than leaving.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the breakup doesn't break you, but staying in a bad relationship will surely do the trick.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: And and I and I just want to say that there's a difference between staying with somebody because you see potential as opposed to staying with someone because you think you're in love with them.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: When you're staying with someone because they have potential, that means you're with a guy and he's a hard worker, he's going to work, and he's got, you know, he started a little business, and you you see the potential, you see that this business is gonna take off, and you guys are gonna be successful together, you work together.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's a different thing.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: When you're in a relationship and you think, and and I'm saying you think that you can fix this, or you know, my love is stronger.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: I can you can't will somebody into what you want them to be.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Just what I said, you you can't love someone enough for them to change.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Change changes.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: I love change.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: When you're if you're a person, and I and I've I've said this to someone not so long ago, if you're a person that does not like change, that means you do the same thing, you eat at the same restaurants, you do the same thing every day, you do the same thing in your job, everything in your life is predictable, then your relationship's gonna be just the same.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's what you want.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: You this I I'm I'm I don't think I'm predictable because I do eat different things, I go different places, I like moving the furniture around if you can.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: You change it up.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I like to change it up.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I wear different clothes, and sometimes it's bright colors, sometimes it's dark colors.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Things change.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: You've got to be open to change, and in a relationship, you've got to be open to change.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: And because you could be with somebody for five years, you change and you grow, but the person you're with doesn't.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: That's when you say, Well, I'm moving up, but the person is not with me.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: That you've out maybe outgrown that person.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: You've outgrown that person.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's point three there's an emotional process of letting go.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: And for some, it's like grieving someone who's still alive.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: Say that one more time, please.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: For for some, because it's an emotional process of letting go.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: For some, it's like grieving someone who's still alive.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're not just losing a partner, you're losing a future you imagined having with that partner.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I think that I see that so much, and I know you do too.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: Where they come out of this relationship, and now that grieving process of did I do the right thing?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: Are they okay?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: They stay in touch.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: I there are so many men and women, again, more on the women's side, is that women want to stay in touch with their former partners.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's still a way of holding on.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Even though this person is married or moved on or moved out of the state, you still find a way to connect with that individual.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna go and more to the point of em the emotional process of letting go, your mind and body are used to them.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not just emotional, it's chemical.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then missing them doesn't mean you made the wrong decision.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: It just means that the absence of that person is creating clarity and it also creates longing for that person.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: So these are all the emotional ties when you've been in a relationship and you might need to let go.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of emotional ties that goes along with it.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: Emotional baggage is a dangerous thing because it it turns you into somebody that you're not.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: And you there's they stalk, they pursue you on social media, and even though that they're in a new relationship themselves, they still keep a tab.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I really like that point that missing them doesn't mean you made the wrong decision.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: It just means that the absence of that person is creating clarity, you're being able to see, but it also creates longing for that person.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know you've your brain is saying, I've done the right thing.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: But your emotional ties.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: Ties makes you question that because you say, Well, you know, we used to do this, or we used to do that, but your brain is saying, uh, hello.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: Move on.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: But you still, it's like you're gonna hand over a thousand dollars to somebody and you hand it, you owe them the money, but you hand the money, but your hand's still on the money and you still hold it on because you don't want to let go of money.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's the same thing.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: You you got, you know, you you hear me say the comment all the time shut the door and move on.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_01: And this is one of those times when you have to move on, and it is so hard.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: This is where coaches come in and help you to see where you need to work on letting it go.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's good.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: And and I I told uh uh someone not that long ago, your first step is you've got to block his number.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: Block it and take it out of your phone because every time you open your phone and you see his name or her name, you're tempted.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: You're tempted.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: Block the number, take it out of your phone.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: Then the next step is social media because it's so easy to follow somebody on social media.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I know a lot, a lot after a relationship is done, they want to follow, they want to see who they're with.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then they freak out when they see that they're in a new relationship or you see a picture of this new individual and they freak the heck out.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: And especially if it's somebody you think is cuter than yourself, oh man.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's it's nuclear war time.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: So here's a point four.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Know that that relationship wasn't a waste of time.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I have some some bullets for that.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: Again, know that that relationship wasn't a waste of time.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: That relationship taught you what you need, it taught you what not to tolerate, it taught you to seek what you deserve, and it taught you that choosing yourself isn't selfish, it's self-respect.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's funny how we can look at a failure of a job.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: Let's say you were in a job for a few years and it doesn't work out, but you know, we can stop and we can say, you know what, I learned this from this job, and I learned not to do this, or I learned not to get involved with people at work.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: But when it comes to relationships, we have a hard time trying to say, okay, I like this, this was good, but this not so good.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: We have to learn to learn from our mistakes, whether it's in a job, whether it's from cooking or whatever it is that we do, we have to learn to say, okay, this relationship didn't work out.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: This was good.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: I like how this person treated me.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: We did things together.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: I like how that spoke person spoke to me, but these are the things I didn't like.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: Learn from it so that when you go into another relationship, you can say, Oh, okay, these are the qualities I like.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: And let's say that last person spoke to you with disrespect.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: Then you know in the next relationship, you don't want to go through that.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: So the moment that person starts doing that, you take off and run.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like like the pointers, I must repeat the pointers again.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: That relationship taught you what you need, it taught you what not to tolerate, it taught you to seek what you deserve, it taught you that choosing yourself isn't selfish, it's self-respect.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: And lastly, that I didn't mention, letting go is also a sign of self-love.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: By choosing to release someone who isn't consistent or compatible, and instead choosing peace for yourself, that's self-love.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: When you choose peace for yourself.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: We've said this on several podcasts.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_01: You have to love yourself, you gotta have peace in your life.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, I kind of just I wanna say this.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times when we look at a relationship that didn't work, we're quick to blame the other person, but you had a role in that as well.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_01: Because if things weren't going well and you stayed in it and didn't or didn't say anything, I didn't say anything, you had a hand in that.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: So you have to take responsibility for your actions.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: And but don't look at things as a failure, look at it as a lesson learned.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: Always, always.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: And love yourself when you come out of a relationship, don't go running into another one.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: Take time to self-reflect and work on you for a little bit.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I really like the I want to emphasize this because someone who isn't consistent or compatible, you're not gonna have peace.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: You have to choose that for yourself.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: You have to choose peace.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to go through life in a crazed relationship and and not have the peace that you deserve.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_01: If a relationship is not peaceful, then you're in the wrong relationship.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's plain and simple.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times we get caught up in, but I love them, I love them, I love them, I love them.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_01: Love is peace.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: Love is knowing each other.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: Love is is more than a physical.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: Love is you your partner will know that you're sick before you are, because they see the subtle changes that happen in you.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's love.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_01: These are the th but we get caught up in the looks and the the um the material things.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: We get caught up in the um lust.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_01: And lust can last for not it's not a week or two, but we can be lustful in that in a relationship for a couple of years because it's a package that you're looking at, and not the individual.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: And the chemistry, as I mentioned before, it's chemistry.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: That chemistry can hold can make you hold on for a long time.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: A long time because you get caught up in all that.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes you have to take a step back and you have to say, wait a minute, is this a real relationship?
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: Am I happy?
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I've uh I've had a client and it was again going to the chemistry.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: But we have great chemistry, but she was being treated like crap.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: But the chemistry that they had, the sexual chemistry kept her in it.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, even though she knew everything else was bad for her.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: The chemistry was so good.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_01: And that and and you're absolutely right.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times people stay in these relationships because the intimacy is fantastic, but there's more to that because if it's you know you're getting an Argument and then you have sex, and oh, it was great.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: Now everything's alright?
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's not alright.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: And you heard the term when it's bad, it's bad, but when it's good, it's good.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: So you're equating or or you're balancing your relationship with good and bad.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: The good sh the good should outweigh the bad.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: It shouldn't be 50-50.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna have bad times in a relationship.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_01: And when I'm talking about bad times, you're gonna have financial rows, you're gonna have self-confidence rows, you're gonna feel like, you know, um that somehow you feel like you're drifting apart.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: But if you address those things early, it's fixable.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where we always say communicate, communicate, and communicate some more.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: And and if you're compatible, then both parties will be working at it.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: Both parties will be trying to fix it.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Both parties will be understanding of each other's needs, wants, and desires.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_01: When you have a couple come in the office, and you have one who's gung-ho wants to do this, and then you have another one that says, they don't know us.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: This is stupid.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: They can't help us.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_01: Then right there, you already have somebody that's not willing to work on it.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: And that's that that's that's the same thing that they they're doing in the office, is the same thing they're doing in the relationship.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: They don't want to work on it.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: Got it.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now here's my here's my last point, but I'm gonna share some practical letting go tools.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: You ready for it?
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: Put your shoes on and run.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's that that could be one.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, go for it.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: You need to create emotional distance.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: And as you were saying before about the social media, about the blocking of the phone, you need to create that emotional distance.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then next you can't heal when you're in constant contact.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I I I can't that is one of those things where I wish that I could wave a magic wand and get people to understand.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_01: I've been in relationships, you've been in relationships, and when it's over, it's it's over.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because you you again, you can you can't heal when you're in constant contact.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: So stop checking, stalking, and rereading.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because you still may have the text, and you just you go back and you reread, and you you're checking the social media, you're checking your phone to make sure that they didn't call.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: You know, or you reread the text and you go, but it it I can I can see it in the text.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: He really does love me, or he, she loves me.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: No, delete all that stuff.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right, because move all possibilities because you said it, and I'm gonna use your your phrase, hope.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_01: You're holding hope alive, you've got it in that loop.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_01: That hope loop.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: Hope loop.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because every time you go back, you reopen the wound.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: So replace the habit, not just the person, the habit of checking, the habit of going back, the habit of rereading, the habit of trying to find out who he who he or she's seeing at the time.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_01: And don't go back to places where you know that this person will be.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: When you let go, let go.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_01: I've even myself, when I've let go, I if I can, I'll move.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because in that way, I'm not running into them in the grocery store.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't see them in places that we go.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to be gone, be away from it.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're you're breaking a pattern, not just a connection.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the pattern of of of checking, the pattern of uh of old habits of just trying to see where that person is.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're breaking the pattern.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: You have to break that pattern, not just the connection.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: And here's here's a little pointer for you listeners.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: React do a reality check journal.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_00: Do some reality check journaling.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, write down what actually happened, not just what you felt.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you see what actually happened in the relationship, not just how you feel, you know, oh, I loved him, I loved her, and we had such a great thing going.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: And no, journal what actually happened in the relationship, and by actually seeing and absorbing that, that he he was abusive, he called me out of my name, he hit me, he slapped me or pushed me around.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it happens to guys, it happens way more than people talk about it.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it happens to guys.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're a guy or a gal, just write down what actually happened so you can go back and revisit that, that'll give you the motivation to say, okay, this was not good for my life, this did not bring me peace.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_01: And that I love that, and because I do have um my clients journal and stuff like that.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because if we took if we were to walk around and had a camera attached to our chest, and we went back and we reviewed how things because when you view it through a lens of a camera and you actually see it as opposed to what you think you heard or said, because your emotions get in the way.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_01: But when you actually really see it, you're like, oh my gosh.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where journaling it gives you a little bit more perspective.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_01: It would be great if we could have that camera.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_01: Because a lot of people would be shocked on what they put up with or how they behave, because they go back and you could look, you're like, oh my gosh, did I really just let them do that?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I years ago, I and this is really some years ago, but I it it I see it and visualize it in my head like it was yesterday.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: One of my clients came to me and we were talking, going through her the her relationship, and she said, you know, when I expressed to her best friend, she's at this, um I'm gonna say it as though she's she said, when I told my best friend what was going on in my relationship, how I was treated, and how I felt, and she said, when I I she said, I heard myself.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: I actually heard myself, and I knew then that I needed to let go.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: So it was a verbal journal journaling, right, so to speak.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: Some don't have that uh that that friend or or they don't want to share with someone else.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: So you journal for yourself.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: What happened in that relationship, and you'll see that it's is it is this healthy?
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_01: Right, yeah.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and that is so true, and that's where coaches and counselors, we have an a way, a knack of making you see that, and we have tools that we use to help you to bring that out.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, thank God she was lucky enough to have a friend that listened, and it was just that time where she heard herself say it and go, What the heck?
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_01: Well, right.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_01: Is that and that's and that's a lot of time um our clients have that ha ha moment.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_01: Where they sit there and I and you can see it, they look at you like, what in God's name was I think?
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: So that that's that's a good point to remember to journal the relationship.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: And you d or or and do the pros and cons.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: But you you know, what's the the pros of the relationship or the pros of of how you were treated in the relationship versus the cons.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I I want to say this.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_01: We see a lot more of this now than before, because we've been doing this a while.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I contribute a lot of because when I ask the questions, and I know you do too, the absence of a father plays a big role in this.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, especially with the yeah, well, with with both, with the ladies and and the guys and everything, but absence of a father, because in a good household where a dad is present, he's telling his daughter that this is and a daughter has a an image of what a good man will look like.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: Right, whether it's a father or a male role model.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_01: And so let me just say good male role model.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because um I've actually had clients, it's their grandparents or stuff like that.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_01: So if you can, you know, there are a lot of things that have contributed to this, and a lot of it too is people are afraid to be alone.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_01: They hold on to it because they're afraid of being alone.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: But peace, happiness, and joy overrides all of that.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here's some questions for our listeners.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: And if you could because if you're questioning whether to let go, ask yourself these questions.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: First one, am I holding on to who they are or who I hope they will become?
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: Second question, how do I actually feel in this relationship on a daily basis?
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: And final, the the third one is if nothing changed, could I accept the way things are long term?
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_01: Those are some great questions that you should be asking yourself.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you're answering those questions and you can't if you look at those questions and you can't answer those questions with an open mind, then you need to re-evaluate where you're going in your relationship.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_01: Because happiness, if you're not happy, you've got I always tell people, if you're at least 80% happy, because you never there's no such thing as a hundred percent happiness in a relationship.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_01: People have been married 50 years and never 100% happy in a relationship.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_01: But pick and choose, you know, what so if somebody doesn't take out the trash, are you gonna leave them because they don't take out the trash when you want?
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: Or if somebody is an alcoholic or a drug user and they're abusive, do you stay in it because you think you can fix them?
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_01: Or do you leave?
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's a difference.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's yeah, you have to be real about if you because long term you're dealing with someone that's abusive or that it it's that's not right for your life.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let me just say that because it could be it could be any and it doesn't have to be physical abuse, right?
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_01: It could be physical, mental, um there's so many different things that that can ruin a relationship.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_00: Right, and that's what I was gonna say.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: It could be any, any reasons, but if if it's not bringing you joy, if uh if it's if you're not happy in it, or if it's worse more than it is better, these are things that you should sit down and evaluate.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because long term it's not gonna it it won't work.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: But some people do try.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_00: They'll they'll even marry that person knowing that they've dated maybe it's had a long dating relationship of five years with all kinds of issues, all kinds of battles, all kinds of troubles, and they'll end up still marrying that person, and then the next year they say they they want to get out of it.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing what it was before.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_01: You saw the signs.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_01: Before you go into a relationship, there's all these signs along the road as you're traveling, go into this relationship.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_01: But a lot of people put the blinders on, they don't want to see the signs because all they see is that package.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: Or again, as you said, just afraid to be alone.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: Just thinking that this is the o only and last chance you're gonna have to have to be in a relationship, and you know deep down that's not true.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_01: Uh and I have a lady that I've worked with, and she's a plus size.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_01: And she was going with guys, and she's in love with them, but they're not in love with her because it was a using relationship.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_01: She does very well for herself, she has a lovely home, but it was they were getting what they wanted.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_01: Taking advantage.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_01: And unfortunately, it goes both ways, but finally, now she's seen the red flags, and she's in a wonderful relationship.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_01: The guy he does well, they're both, and she's like, You're not staying at my place, you're your own place.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_01: And until we marry, this isn't happening.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas before, she would allow them to stay there and take advantage.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_00: And and a lot of times it's low self-esteem.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and that's what she had.
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_00: And until you wake up and choose self-love.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_01: And that and part of her self-love was um I got her in with a um, because sh she really didn't wear makeup.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_01: Her clothes were kind of just frumpy, if you will.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I got her put her in touch with a friend of mine who does makeup.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_01: And um she also does fashion.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_01: So I put them together, and she's completely changed the wardrobe.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_01: We had dinner a couple months back, and I was blown away.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_01: Her personality, everything was changed.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_01: She was like a different person.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_01: But her self-worth was through the roof.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_01: Nice.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_00: She valued herself.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's the key.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: That is the key.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's good, Professor.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_00: So, in conclusion, I'm gonna leave our listeners with this.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can love someone deeply and still choose to walk away.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_00: Letting go doesn't mean the love wasn't real, it just means you're choosing something healthier.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the most powerful form of love is self-love.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that's knowing when to let go of an unhealthy relationship.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_01: Amen to that.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: Any last words, Professor?
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know, work in a relationship is it is hard work, but it shouldn't be hard work to the f to the point where you are crying, you're you're you're exhausted.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_01: If you're going through all that and you're you're constantly in pain and mentally fried, you have to re-evaluate yourself because that's not a healthy relationship.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: No, and you made a good point about the self-esteem.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_00: Doing something for yourself that's going to brighten your your life for you, that's going to create that that and grow that self-love rather than the low self and get getting rid of the low self-esteem.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, when she changed her makeup and her clothes, she even started going to the gym.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_01: And she's a completely different woman.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I I was blown away.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_01: And when she walked through that door, that smile was like it was like the sun looking at me.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what self-love will do for you.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: It will it will change how you see things, it would change how and the guy she met.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what he said to her?
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_01: Her smile.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because it was the smile of confidence.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_01: Not of desperate.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's good.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: That is so good.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_01: So big thank you to our listeners.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_01: We we always hope that our podcast somehow touches you to look at your life, your relationship, and hopefully it will maybe help you to make a little change.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_01: Little changes work the way into big changes.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_01: For the better.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_01: For the better.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_01: Changes for the better.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_01: Change is good.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_01: So we hope that our podcasts will really help you.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_01: And thank you, listeners.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um we we look forward to our next meet and greet.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so you know, if you're in our little family group, um we will email you where the locations will be.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_01: But we are truly grateful and we look forward to many more years of this podcast, because believe it or not, we get joy from doing this.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_01: Definitely.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because the emails that we get, um, they've brought us to tears.
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and we're just glad that we we're able to be able to have this podcast, no matter where we are, that we can help someone.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_01: Because currently right now, we're in our little uh rental that we have here, that we're um a little office, and we're out in Thailand.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, we're traveling around, meeting people, helping people.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_01: So um thank you guys.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and we really do appreciate you.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_01: And um thanks for having me on this journey with you.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_00: Glad to have you.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_00: Glad to have you.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_00: And we want to again, we want to thank our listeners for being a part of the relationship group, relationship coaching group community.
• 42:06
  SPEAKER_00: We really appreciate you.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if today's conversation resonated with you, remember that strong relationships don't just happen, they're built with awareness, communication, and the courage to grow together.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow the podcast so you don't miss future conversations about dating, relationships, emotional growth, and building a deeper connection.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know someone who might benefit from today's topic, share this episode with them.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_00: And you can find us at relationshipcoaching group.com where you'll be able to email us any topics suggestions.
• 42:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, if there's any topics that you want us to cover, feel free.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_01: But our website has a bunch of information, and if there don't see anything there, let us know, and we're happy to contact you or even add it to our website.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because we can only put there's only so much information we can we don't want to overload you with a bunch of information.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_00: Correct.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_00: So until the next time, speak your needs clearly, listen without interrupting, and remember, you're not alone.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: Together, we got this.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_01: We got you.