Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Never Gives Feedback
Transcript
- Lucas: So you submit a project update. Your boss reads it. Nods. Says 'okay' and moves on. No praise, no critique, no follow-up. You're left wondering — was that good? Did I miss something? Does he even care? Luna: That silence is brutal. It's like sending a message into a void and just hoping it's received. Lucas: Today we're talking about the boss who never gives feedback. Not the micromanager who gives too much — the opposite end of the spectrum. It's a kind of managerial neglect that can actually stall your career if you don't address it. Luna: And if you've ever found this podcast useful — maybe you've used one of our scripts in a meeting, or it changed how you think about a tough situation — this episode is ad-free because listeners support it. You can keep that going at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: Yeah, it's a small thing that makes a big difference. So, back to the feedback void. I want to start with a specific case from a product manager at a mid-sized tech firm — let's call her Sarah. Luna: What was her situation? Lucas: Sarah's boss — the VP of product — was notoriously silent. He'd read her product specs, attend her sprint reviews, and then say 'looks fine' and walk away. No direction on what to improve, no signal on whether she was on track for promotion. Luna: That's a career killer. If you don't know what 'good' looks like to your boss, how do you get better? Lucas: Exactly. So Sarah tried something different. She started sending a simple, structured email after every major deliverable. Three questions: 'What worked well? What could I improve? What's the priority for next week?' She made it incredibly easy to answer — she'd bullet point her own thoughts first, and just ask him to add or correct. Luna: Did it work? Lucas: At first, her boss still just replied 'looks good.' But she persisted — and after about six weeks, he started writing one or two lines of real feedback. Eventually, they had a 15-minute weekly check-in where he'd actually talk through her questions. Luna: So the key was making it frictionless for him. She did the heavy lifting. Lucas: Right. She didn't ask 'Can you give me feedback?' — that's an open-ended request that many managers find vague or time-consuming. She presented a framework he could react to. Luna: I've seen research that managers often avoid feedback because they're afraid of demotivating people, or they simply don't know how to phrase it constructively. Lucas: That's a big part of it. A 2023 study from the Harvard Business Review found that 37 percent of managers admitted they avoid giving negative feedback because it feels uncomfortable. And another chunk said they didn't think it was necessary unless something was wrong. Luna: Which creates this weird dynamic where silence is interpreted as approval — until it isn't. Lucas: Exactly. And that's dangerous. If your boss never says anything, you might think everything's fine, and then six months later you get a surprise performance review with criticism you never saw coming. Luna: So what's your advice for someone whose boss is like Sarah's — the truly silent type? Lucas: First, assume good intent. Most bosses aren't malicious — they're busy, or they think silence means trust. So don't start by assuming they're neglecting you on purpose. Luna: But that doesn't mean you just accept it. Lucas: No. You need to make it a two-way street. Start with what I call the 'feedback menu' — a specific, recurring request format. Like Sarah's three questions. You can even frame it as helping them: 'I want to make sure I'm aligned with your priorities — could you glance at this and tell me if I'm on the right track?' Luna: That's less threatening. You're not asking for judgment — you're asking for alignment. Lucas: Right. And second, be explicit about the format. Some bosses prefer a quick chat, others like written notes. Ask them: 'Would it be easier if I sent you a brief email after each project, or would you rather we have a five-minute stand-up once a week?' Luna: Give them the choice. That respects their communication style. Lucas: Exactly. And third — use time boundaries. If your boss is the type who only responds under pressure, tie your request to a deadline. Say: 'I'm preparing the quarterly review deck and I want to incorporate your input. Could you take two minutes to look at this by Wednesday?' Luna: That creates a natural trigger. Without a deadline, it's easy to push off. Lucas: One more tactic — and this one's a bit more advanced. You can give feedback to your boss about their feedback. Not in a confrontational way, but as a positive reinforcement. If they do give you a useful comment, say: 'That's really helpful — I appreciate you taking the time.' That encourages them to do it more. Luna: Positive reinforcement works up the chain too. We're all human. Lucas: And if none of that works — if you've tried structured requests, offered different formats, set deadlines, and your boss still gives you nothing — then it might be time to escalate. Not to HR necessarily, but to a skip-level meeting or a mentor who can advocate for you. Luna: Because at a certain point, a lack of feedback is a management failure, not a you problem. Lucas: Exactly. And in a healthy organization, that should be addressable. But the first step is always to try to solve it directly with your boss, using a method that makes it easy for them to participate. Luna: So let's say someone's listening right now and they're in that silence zone. What's the one thing they should do tomorrow? Lucas: Send a one-email experiment. Write: 'Hi, I'm working on and want to make sure I'm heading in the right direction. Could you quickly tell me: one thing I should keep doing, and one thing I could adjust? Thanks.' Keep it that short. Luna: Short and specific. It's hard to ignore a direct request that takes thirty seconds to answer. Lucas: And if they ignore it, follow up in three days. Not accusatory — just a friendly nudge: 'Just bumping this — no rush, but I'd love your thoughts when you have a sec.' Luna: Persistence without pressure. I like that. Lucas: One last thing — when you do get feedback, even if it's small, act on it visibly. If your boss says 'maybe tighten the timeline,' come back and say 'I moved the deadline up by two days based on your suggestion.' That shows you heard them, and it makes them more likely to offer input again. Luna: Closing the loop. It's a virtuous cycle. Lucas: Exactly. And over time, you can build a feedback habit where there was none. It takes patience, but it's better than working in the dark. Luna: And if you're a manager listening — maybe consider that silence isn't neutral. It can be just as damaging as harsh criticism. Lucas: That's a great point. For managers, a simple 'that was good because of X, and try Y next time' costs nothing but can make a huge difference for someone's development. Luna: Alright, thanks Lucas. I think we gave listeners something concrete to try. Lucas: Thanks Luna. And to everyone out there — good luck filling the silence.