Latest / Relatively Stable / Practical Farm Magic

Transcript

Practical Farm Magic · Relatively Stable

• 0:00
  [music]
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Practical farm magic.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Lot's wife, OCD, looking back, and the rituals I perform at night.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I've always had a lot of sympathy for Lot's wife.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I also realize that this isn't
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: the primary theological lesson My
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: mother has been pondering this out loud
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: for many years.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: We'll be driving in the car or she'll be musing in the kitchen and she'll say,
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: what if Lot's wife just wondered if she turned the stove off And just like that,
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: the story of fleeing a city on the eve of God's wrath gets way more complicated.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because I have OCD for real,
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: and I can honestly say that if God himself told me not to look back,
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: there is still zero chance I wouldn't try to sneak a peek.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: If I were leaving the house, it might be the stove I hyper fixate on.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: But if I were fleeing the barn, the horses would absolutely be traveling with me.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: And yet I would still turn around to be certain I had shut the gate.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: I know this because I do it every night.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Take a little walk with me as I ritual my way through a closing shift at the barn.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Closing Time For many years at our old barn,
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: a series of characters arrived after dark to close the barn for the night.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: This tradition was launched by someone who was sick and tired of watching me try
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: to leave the barn when all the chores were done.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: I would look at some detail,
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: circle back,
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: grab a stall latch,
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: give it a little tug,
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: just to be certain that The inaugural barn closer humored me,
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: touching the light switches three times to prove they were off
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: and followed all my weird little rituals.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: This person then trained others who came after her to do the same,
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: all my rituals remaining intact.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Other habits included checking stalls and latches and
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: a structured counterclockwise path around the perimeter of the barn,
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: In those days,
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: the horses were housed each night in an ancient pole barn
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: with shedrow aisles facing outward.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you flashed your headlamp on the wall,
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: your dreams would be inhabited later by the movement of a thousand spiders.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Each section of the barn was systematically checked, watered, hayed, latched, double latched.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: We have horses with smart mouths that could lean over and open
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: a latch fairly easily, so we double closed the door with complicated snaps.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Lights turned off,
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: breaker switches turned off,
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: cats fed,
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: outer fence lines and gates checked, and the driveway secured for the night.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Night checks at a horse farm are where you catch medical emergencies.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: We started feeding the last grain meals earlier in the day because we had time to call a vet.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: But dozens of times in the farm's history,
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: night checks were where colic,
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: choking, lameness, and fevers were noticed and tended.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a job you can casually do while talking to your mother on the phone.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: All the details need your full attention, even if you don't have OCD.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: But you want your barn manager to have a little obsessive compulsion.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Show me an old horse person without weird rituals,
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: and I'll prove they're inflating their stories.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a job for someone who isn't mature and competent.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: It might be the most important job at the farm.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Learning to close my farm in the evening is a series of tasks
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: that will help you develop OCD if you didn't have it before.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: You're welcome.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you how many times a relatively laid-back person has called me
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: after hours to see if I can run down and check that they really turned off a hose
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: before driving away.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Come walk with me.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Fast forward to the new farm and closing the barn in the evening is back
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: to being my job with the twice weekly angel coverage from our friend Jen Crabtree.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Jen, like me,
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: taps into the rituals and lets the steady rhythm of the work free her mind from all
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: the collective busyness of the day.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: Closing the barn as the sun is setting behind the trees and the lower pastures is
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: a meditative act of letting go.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: It is, dare I say, therapeutic.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not supposed to use the word therapy in anything we do here
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: because we're not a certified therapeutic barn for a reason.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: There are too many places in the world where someone has to lead with a diagnosis.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want the barn to be one of them.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: We start in the barn.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: You must feed the barn cats, Ghost and Orion, first.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't, Ghost will follow you around screaming.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then the silky roosters will start crowing.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: And Coco,
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: the shitland pony,
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: will start banging the stall wall with his front tiny hoof,
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: and you won't be able to hear your thoughts.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Once the cats are fed, we'll grab handfuls of hay for Coco and Blackjack.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: They stay in for the night because Coco has a habit
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: of scratching his booty really vigorously against fences and gates until he breaks
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: through.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: The ponies stay in the barn so that I can sleep soundly at night.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't need much hay because Coco is already a chunky monkey.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And Blackjack is 37 years old with teeth so worn from age that he just wads
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: the hay up in his mouth and deposits little perfectly formed hay capsules
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: in his water bucket.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Then we spread some poultry crumbles for the little silky chickens.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: We have a set of baby chicks right now and it's easy to get mesmerized
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: by their cuteness as you watch them peck around for food.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're too tiny to reach their water supply,
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: we fill two small waterers for them and then watch as the flock immediately dirty
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: the waterers with shavings as they peck around for food.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Rinse out the cat food cans and the sink that is now filled with wet poo
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: and feathers from the chicken waterers.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Keep the hose attached because you'll be spraying out the wash rack.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: To clear the arena sand and assorted other stinky hoof leavings
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: that have been deposited on the cement throughout the day
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: from all those hot horses coming in and out for a cool shower.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: The barn waters drain into a pipe that leads down into Penny and Faith's pasture.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: On a busy water day, Penny sees the line made by the water flowing into the woods and she balks.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: That girl can see when one of these things is not like the other.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: She prefers sameness.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: I do too.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: We must keep the barn pipes clear of debris.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: We do this by pressure washing with the hose.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: If you ever see me bent over a drain with a strained look on my face, this is what I'm doing.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: One day we might have a septic tank in a bathroom.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: For now,
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: we'll make do with the porta potty That the company re-rent it from cleans once
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: a week, hypothetically.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: I do not envy the cleaner's job, but some weeks they don't come to clean the toilet.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I call them and they try to make me believe they've cleaned it, but I know the truth.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like a bloodhound.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: I ferret out the truth by scent.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: From here,
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: we take a photo of the day's lesson whiteboard,
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: erase it, and write the next day's schedule down for all to see.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why I do this.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: By morning, the schedule will have changed five times.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: We walk into the tack room and take stock,
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: straightening all the saddles hanging backward on the wall and all
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: the bridles bunched together and teetering on their hooks.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: We place the helmets in the helmet cubbies and the brush boxes in the brush box cubbies.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: We straighten the clip-on reins where they've been tossed and The saddle pads are
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: an ever-changing mess.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: I sort through the ones that need washing from the ones that have been hung with a prayer.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now we prepare Penny's meds.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Take a quarter tablet of anti-inflammatory and press it into a quarter chunk
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: of moist horse treat.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: It might fall apart in your pocket if it's super humid outside.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: You can put it back together before you hand it to her.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: We fill a cart with nine flakes of alfalfa hay from the stall that does double duty
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: as a hay storage in the barn.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Throw out the hay twine.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Get busy with the cart.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: It squeaks behind you.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Check the outside water faucet.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Wind the hose back up straight if it's been hung twisted.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Check the tiny house to make sure no barn cats are trapped and that
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: the air conditioner is unplugged.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: With the cart once more behind you,
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: you march into the arena where the horses are lined up awaiting dinner on
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: the other side of the fence.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Moose is always the first.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you forget this, she will tell you.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: As you toss the hay,
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: check her reflective collar to make sure it isn't pushed forward over her ear.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Same with Pepper,
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: who darts back and forth,
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: luxuriating in the few minutes she has to sample from each hay pile until the horses
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: on the meadow are let back into the feeding area.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: If Penny were a singer, she would be an alto.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: She calls out to you, low and deep.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: She once bit the tip of my finger off because she was so excited for her lunch hay,
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: so be cautious of her teeth as you slip the moist medication treat from your pocket.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Boop her nose once quite firmly to let her know where your hand is.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: She will calm down mightily and take it sweetly like a champ.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Give her two flakes of hay.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Pull the cart down to where the dressage letter B marks the arena fence.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Toss Faith, the very best girl, two flakes.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Use your fingers to rake up loose hay from the sand.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Faith will take the stems from you.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Position the hay cart back in the barn and then go back out to the fields to bring
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: the meadow horses into the night area.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: There is a lunge whip beside the gate.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Pick it up.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: We don't condone violence at Bramblewood Stables,
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: but Julian missed the semester where the school learned boundaries.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: You can't miss him.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: He's standing at the gate where the electric tape handles connect to the perimeter fence.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you pick up the whip, he will take three steps back and give you space to open the gate.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't pick the whip up because you want to prove something or you believe
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: that true equestrians don't need props, he will run all over you.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's your choice.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Once Julian is through the gate, Mocha follows immediately.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can't find magic because she's grazing leisurely in the field.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: She's dark brown and it is night.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Your headlamp won't help much because she's rolled and lost her reflective neck collar.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: You walk all over the field trying to find it by its luminescence
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: and eventually give up and text Christopher to find it when he gets home later.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: You lead Magic by a tiny strand of her mane hair to the gate.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: She's ready to go now.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Back at the barn, you'll discover that Magic's collar is hanging on a stall.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: You send Christopher another text.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Before finishing in the field, though,
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: you'll walk the long,
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: dark lane down to where the trees arch over an opening to the secret meadow
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: where moose and pepper spend their days luxuriating in the shade of
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: the bordering forest.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: At night, the woods are dark.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: On your way down, you stumble on the perforated plastic pan that holds the horse's salt lick
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: You remember your Appalachian grandmother telling you that
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: if you hear someone calling your name in the dark woods, no, you didn't.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: But you look deep into the trees anyway.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Part of you is terrified of the dark.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Another part of you is passionate about finding answers to mysteries.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: These two parts of you will always be at war.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: The opening to the secret meadow is secured by two wide white straps
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: of electric tape fence with handles on the ends that connect to hardware screwed
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: into a corner post.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Even with a headlamp, the woods near the creek are so dark you're doing most of this by feel.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: You hear footsteps walking in the woods.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: You have no choice but to close this gate.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: The footsteps are getting closer.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: You hook the first strap securely.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Notice the fence band is twisted, so you unhook it and secure it again.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: This time it's straight.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: You do the same with the bottom strand.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: You do this every night, and every time you have to open them, untwist and secure them again.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: The footsteps are getting closer.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: The horses are far away from you, way up on the hill.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: The fence is secured, but you double-check the hooks in the hardware.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: You touch them with your hands and give a little pull.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: You check the connection with your eyes.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: All seems okay.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: You touch them with your hands again.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: You must do this three times.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: With a flush of insecurity brewing hot inside you, you turn and walk away.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're determined to walk up the hill without turning.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: You won't second guess yourself this time.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: The footsteps are getting closer.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you should look back.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Your need to be certain is greater than your belief that there is
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: a haint steadily approaching you in the woods.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: You think of Lot's wife.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: You turn back.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: The white tape gate is stretched across the opening, but is it latched?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Your pulse racing.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: You return and touch the hooks.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: The footsteps are right beside you.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Fear battles fear at this point.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: The greater one takes the trophy.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: You don't regret looking back.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: You walk quickly up the hill towards the horses,
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: their soft mouths working steadily through the hay.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: You feel the quiet munching more than you hear it.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: That small, contented rhythm is safety.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: It is home.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: You secure their gate with a triple check.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: You close the main gate with a ritual of touches.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: You turn on the fence charger, waiting for the pause between three blips of the red light.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: Back into the barn, you will put hay in Max's stall for the morning.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: From there, you will use the blower to clean out the aisle.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: Top up the pony's water buckets.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure Coco's butt is not facing you.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can't trust it.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: It might go off.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Treat Blackjack's leg that's been suffering from a summer sore since June.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: This is the first time you've ever encountered a summer sore
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: and its resilience seems to defy science.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: How can something be healing for that long and not heal?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Check the stalls,
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: check the waters again,
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: double check the latches and the faucets and the tack room and the cats.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: Close the door and reluctantly walk up to the farmhouse.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like you're forgetting something.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: Christopher will be home later that night and he will check again.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Using your farm yoga moves,
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: lean down slowly from your core and turn off the barn water main
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: from its tap beneath the ground.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Cover it back up.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Breathe deeply.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: Say hello to the frog that lives beside the well house.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: As you walk the path back to the house, the sounds of the night cover you up like a blanket.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Above you there are stars and a tiny sliver of the crescent moon,
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: like the state flag of South Carolina, like the national flag of Turkey.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: The moon is universal.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: It will cover you up in protection wherever you travel through the night.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Every week,
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: I leave a little piece of my life at Lavender Hill tucked behind this tiny paywall
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: for the people who help me keep riding Stable Roots.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: This week, come walk in the daylight and during the closing shift with me.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: You can see some lessons in action and the barn settling down for the night.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: Meet some of the characters you've just read about and follow me towards
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: the secret meadow to see the infamous white tape gate with your very own eyes.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps then one of us can finally be certain I closed it.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Paid subscribers can come through the gate with me.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone else gets to stand right here and wonder what's on the other side.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you hear someone call your name, no you didn't.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: My brain notices things.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: There are worse brains to have when you're taking care of a farm.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: This craving for rituals helps me see when a gate is hanging at
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: a slightly different angle and Or when a horse that usually mauls me for food takes
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: a step back.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Hypervigilance has its applications.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: But this is where OCD gets tricky.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because it would be easy for me to make it sound like a personality quirk
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: that helps me be a really good barn manager.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: Obsessive-compulsive disorder works through a miserable little feedback loop.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: An intrusive thought arrives like, what if that gate isn't really shut?
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: The thought creates anxiety and a compulsion.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: Checking the gate is the only way to relieve it temporarily.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: The relief is the gateway drug.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's how my brain remembers and learns to keep asking for relief in a constant loop of rituals.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: So when the next intrusive thought arrives,
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: my brain is already seeking to perform a compulsion to relieve it.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, the rituals become more elaborate and frequent and the anxiety more demanding.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: The rituals I do to make my brain feel safer are the same rituals
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: that teach my brain that I'm not safe if I don't complete them.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: This is the part of OCD that is so profoundly misunderstood.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: OCD isn't about just liking things to be arranged in a particular order.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: The obsessions can become disturbing and completely contrary to what the person actually wants.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: People with OCD don't enjoy arranging things or checking behind themselves.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: The constant need to perform some act to ensure safety can sap hours from the day.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: At its very worst,
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: ask me how I know,
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: OCD can have negative effects on all aspects of life from work to relationships.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: OCD isn't interested in what the rational part of my mind has to say.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: It wants absolute certainty.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: When OCD meets farm life, the irony is ridiculous.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I will find that someone really did leave the gate open.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: The horse I'm worried about might really be sick.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: This disorder seizes valuable qualities of noticing and turns up the volume until it hurts.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I have a complicated relationship with the part of my brain that looks back like Lot's wife.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm grateful that I have a knack for noticing things,
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: but I freaking hate that noticing something once doesn't satisfy my need
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: for knowing.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: There is a difference between Checking the gate because all the horses depend on me
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: to make sure it is latched properly.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: And checking the gate for the sixth time because I don't believe what my eyes
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: and touch already confirmed.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: A fine line runs between responsibility and certainty.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: And certainty is just one of those things that you cannot find on a farm or
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: in any aspect of life.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: Practical farm magic.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: Which brings me to witchcraft.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: After I've checked the gate I know is closed five more times,
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: I have to accept that I'm no longer practicing farm management.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm bargaining with the universe.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: And bargaining with the universe is not too different from casting spells.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: Bear with me.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: Spell work at its most basic is intention given form.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: I want something to happen or not happen so much that I mark the importance
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: by performing an action.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: I could light a candle,
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: say a prayer, carry a talisman, knock wood or touch a doorknob three times.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or I could check the gate again.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: Human beings have been performing some version of this forever.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: We're deeply uncomfortable with uncertainty,
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: and like horses, we learn to operate in the world through patterns.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: We like to believe there is something small we can do with our hands
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: to influence what happens next.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: OCD understands this impulse so very well.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: If I check the gate one more time, the horses will be safe.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, as I type those words out, I know that they're not true.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: But as my hand reaches out to touch the gate, I don't care if it's true or not.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: All the rules of physics are abandoned the moment I give in to the compulsion to look back.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_00: My logical forebrain knows that checking the gate one more time won't strengthen the latch.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: I know that my gaze can't reinforce the fence.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: But somewhere in the ancient depths of my brain,
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: the part that connects to my amygdala with the horses,
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: actions feel safer than uncertainty.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I perform a spell.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: I want to see that they're all standing there, munching hay, all safe and well.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: But my intention isn't omnipotence.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: I can do all these things and still something can happen.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: At some point,
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: I have to stomach that my rituals don't produce any more certainty than I had
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: the first time I checked the gate.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, I have to stop checking the latch and walk away.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: This brings me back to Lot's wife.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe she longed for the life she was leaving, or she could have just been afraid to leave.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure there are theological depths to her story that I'm not qualified to unpack.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: At the root of her story,
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: however,
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: I see Lot's wife acting on a completely human compulsion to turn back and look
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: at something she left behind.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: At night,
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: I stand beneath the dark arch of trees,
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: And look back towards the white tape gate stretched across the entrance to
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: the secret meadow.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: Something is walking in the woods.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: If it calls my name, do I follow?
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the new ritual I need to practice is the simplest one.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: Notice what is there.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Trust what I know.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: And trust what I've done.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: And keep walking.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: But if I never quite master that particular bit of magic,
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: and one night I finally look back and turn into a pillar of salt,
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: I know exactly what will happen.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: The horses will wander down from their hay in the night and stare at my frozen body.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: They'll take a sniff and stand back, appraising me.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then they'll all take turns licking me like the salt block that I've become.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: Love, Kim.