Latest / College Is Fine, Everything's Fine / #52 The Friendship Matrix: A LifeHack for Building Healthy Friendships in College

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#52 The Friendship Matrix: A LifeHack for Building Healthy Friendships in College · College Is Fine, Everything's Fine

Hi there, Sarah.Hey, hey, all right, guys, it is, late tonight. , we've already had a long day. So if we trip over our words, thanks in advance for tolerating us. I'm actually really excited about this episode. We're going to make it short and sweet, not just cause we're tired.and not just because we're ready to go, have a glass of wine, but because this is kind of a fun topic to think about and it's not overly complicated, but it's still worthwhile just to, have people start to think about this exciting thing that we created. It's groundbreaking.Oh yeah.Yeah.Get, get, get ready. No, I mean, we've talked, we've talked about finding friends and your people in college, but I think Sarah and I, and even thinking about this tool that we're going to talk about in a little bit, I think this is something that you can really think about across your college experience.It's definitely as Sarah and I've been talking about it, I'm kind of thinking about where I kind of place people in my life and making sure that You know, you're getting all the things you want to get out of friendships, essentially.And I don't think anyone who's heard any of our episodes is going to be surprised to hear that a lot of what we're going to talk about is balance.Mm hmm.And I think this is something that I didn't really think about. Until I became a psychologist and I look back, and realize I did actually believe in a friendship myth, which is that your friends should be filling all the good friend buckets.They should be trustworthy. They should like to do the same things as you. They should be, you know, totally listen to you when you're having a down day. Also, right, they should be able to take a run with you when you feel like you're tired. Did you, I totally bought that myth. Did you?Yeah, I mean, I think I was definitely bought in, particularly when I went to college, like, Assuming that the unicorns I found in high school that were my really good friends, that I was going to find the exact same thing in college. And, you know, they were going to be in all the same classes in the same major and they're going to be able to crack jokes.And, it became pretty clear that I needed friends for different reasons. Mm hmm. And so that's, we started to talk about that idea and we thought it would be fun to come up with a visual for this. one of the things we noticed, too, especially when you're going into college, is that it's often. Easy to forget that the high school friends that you were really close to are still really close to that.There's a long history there and there are probably bumps in the road and probably times those friendships sort of ebbed and flowed or that person wasn't a perfect friend. It's easy to. forget how it can take time to build up some of the type of friendships we're talking about today. , but listen, we talked about our beautiful visuals.So we'll go ahead and introduce you to the friendship matrix. Okay. and just to put this in context, , we literally just made this up when we were talking to each other. It's a strategy we sometimes use with Our clients in various ways, this idea of the matrix. but a lot of times it's a useful tool to get conversation going.This is not vetted, right? But I still think it's helpful. And some of the things we'll have you think about really are vetted in some of the strategies we've talked about before, you know, finding that balance, social give and take, et cetera. So the friendship matrix. All right. Don't have your eyes glaze over too much.This is not an algebra test. We're probably going to even say the wrong like X and Y axis. Okay. But so without, you know, without going into too much about this, we have one axis that really talks more about the level of. More internal or not internal, what would you call it? Like, sort of a, a deeper conversational anchor point, the thoughtful discussions.Yeah, the good listening, the kind of slow down and just be with each other and more of a silent moment, kind of that anchor friend. You could probably identify. Friendships or times in your life where you really just needed the more anchor level of friendship, the more like the anchor vibe,Right. Yeah. I think a lot about , you know, like a friend that has this inherent wisdom, that they're reliable, dependable, consistent, probably the person you might go to, to ask advice or, Lean on, right? and that would be on one side of, I believe, the y axis.You know, I was a STATS TA, so I think that's accurate. So that would be on one side,yes, right. And, so yeah, you'll keep us honest there. and then the flip side of that or the top side of that is the adventure vibe,the really fun, more expansive. Friendship, the one who, and I can think of the people back in the day where I mean, you're laughing the whole time they are going to bring the party, and they are, gregarious or they're funny or they, Bring a big group together easily and make the group plans.that's on the other side of the spectrum and sometimes this doesn't mean one person's one way and one person's another way. This just means the needs you have and moments of when you need an anchor moment, and then when you need more of an adventure moment, sometimes A friend who can pull that off. sometimes a friend can kind of balance back and forth between the two. it's fun to think about this as more of a, like a thoughtful, condensed, wise minded friend versus the bullient, spirited, you know, pep rally friend.Yeah. Everyone needs friends that have both those characteristics and that, like Sarah said, like it might occur within one individual or you might need friends in different areas, which we'll talk more about.And then on the, you, what, youI'm going to tell you, it's,Even though you just said it, I need you to verify.is the XXS. Uh, we're going to have give and take. And I think everyone has probably heard this concept that relationships and friendships, there's always give and take. But what we're thinking about when you think about your friendships or maybe where you notice there's gaps in your, friends circle, you know, do I have friends that are really generous of their time are really incredibly thoughtful that they give a lot to our friendship.They really invest in it Maybe I have some friends that make a lot of requests or need me and lean on me a lot for emotional support, where there might be taking more from me for my time, my emotional, physical energy.Yeah, you had said at some point, one of the phrases you'll use is an emotional savings account. And friendships can sometimes put deposits into that and withdrawals into that. And then there's a reciprocity there, right? There is give and take within a friendship. But again, like all of the things we talk about, if it's heavily leaning towards one side where you're always the giver, or, maybe you need to take a look and see, are you always the taker? you want to just pay attention to the give take balance and your friendships.Yeah. I imagine like kind of like a seesaw. If you really feel like it's always on one side and it's never balancing out or sometimes swinging to the other side, I think that's something to keep your eye on in terms of, what is this friendship doing for me? So we wanted to think about this as a way of when you're using the friendship matrix and another way we were talking about it when we were thinking about this episode was what is in your friendship frame, right? Like, what are the behaviors that feel acceptable?MmTo you and what are the behaviors that you think you know what actually these aren't acceptable to me, and you might have been Dealing with it because either you've known this person for a long time or they have a lot of social power Or they're already part of your friend group, so you go along. I think it's good to identify Where your boundaries are and what is in your frame, so to speak.And so we put this spiral in here to say, you know, there's probably a widening circle of ways for you to think about where some friendships could be. And it's okay if occasionally a friend one time or another makes a mistake and they're outside of this frame. But in general, it's important for you to really be aware of what are the behaviors or the type of friends that are in your. spiral area  or Frame you'll see this spiral jump around and that's mostly because some people really want and need a certain kind of friends and their boundaries one way.And other people. Might find that their friendship frame or spiral is in a different quadrant and that's okay. it's not like there's a particular, spiral area or kind of area of focus where you need to spend your time. But we have a couple of little check marks here that I think can define some of the friendships that tend to either be underappreciated at times.And also some of the friendships where you might be. Not so balanced.Right. So, why don't we start, , with the X over here. So this would be, a friendship where it's high on pleasure and enjoyment and fun and there's a lot of withdrawals coming in your relationship savings account. when I think of a friendship that's really taking a lot, or what I hear from college students, it's like the friend that always, can't pay for pizza, the friend that is in the room till 2am crying about a breakup, the friend that needs help with an essay, the friend that wants to borrow an outfit, that there's just this continual kind of drainageMm hmm.time, resources, emotional validation and support.Yeah, I remember, a friend that was, always so funny, I mean, hysterical, funny, and so fun to be around and people tended to really like her energy. Like at a party, she's the one cracking jokes and, you know, she could be magnetic in those situations. And then if we would go out to, have drinks or coffee or whatever, the conversation was always about her.So it, she was great in the spotlight and then she was never really willing to Let the spotlight shift and so just felt one sided and a little flat. so that was one where it Felt like oh, okay this this I can't really rely on her.She's not the one I'm gonna call If I really need help, of course, if you look at the orange check here, it is beautiful. And I know if you're listening, obviously you don't know what we're talking about here, but if for the orange check. I like how we're just like, Oh, right, we're doing a podcast. so for the orange check, that means this literally just occurred to the two of us. so for a friend who does give a fair bit and is pretty fun, well, that's an easy friend. You're probably not sitting and spending a lot of time worrying about that friend.but it could be that you have a friend, especially if you're prone to liking more fun friends and that's your energy. You might have a friend. And I have someone like this who it's like, the more I got to know her, she was not always the most, you know, she didn't have a lot of social power. She wasn't always coming up with, you know, this fabulous outfit or this hilarious one liner, but she was just the most centered person.And I, Grew over time to just adore this friend who I probably wouldn't have necessarily gone up to talk to and I always say, she's my friend. My mom would be like, I'm so proud. She's your friend. Good for you.Right. because they can be overlooked the ones who are really more anchor energy, but still give a lot of weight to your life as opposed to a lot of buoyancy.Yeah. Like might not be the most illustrious or shiniest, right? and that, you know, they're like you said earlier, sometimes there are these people that you're really pulled towards, right? but haven't taken a step back to kind of really evaluate. You know, what am I getting from this friendship?And maybe I am overlooking some other people in my spiral, this spiral of friends that I might want to pay more attention to.Yeah, and , we have a few more examples here where if it could be that a lot of times if you're prone to introspection or you're on the quieter side that you are drawn to or sort of your natural self control. Spiral is in the friends who give and listen and the friends who are those more anchor energy friends and that it can be nice to go outside your comfort zone and think about friends who do give a sense of fun.And I think that oftentimes. if you're drawn to people who really need to be constantly giving and constantly like an anchor, it might be you're falling into that friendship myth where friends need to constantly be, you know, making it a perfect friend grade all the time.yeah, I think like to the more narrow sometimes these spirals are that this might be a time to be a little bit more flexible in terms of your thinking that may be broadening your spiral a little bit to see that maybe I would feel more satisfied or happier in my friendships or have more needs met if I had other people to draw from, I really would encourage, I think this is a nice exercise to even look at your current friend group and plot people places and kind of have an idea a little bit, What's missing?You know, I think it's a nice opportunity. I think we rarely take a step back, particularly early on in college to think about fit in terms of friendships. Maybe I do need to narrow it. Maybe I have people all over the place that I need to really be more thoughtful about my matrix.I also think it's fun in college to try out different types of friendships because it's, what a time to say, hey, I've kind of grown up with a certain group of friends my whole life. Oh, is this TMI? I grew up in this like pretty conservative, community.  And that was my air that I breathed. And if people sort of stepped outside of that, it was like, you know, so, and then I went to college and suddenly I'm in a dorm where there's, you know, two, two doors down and a couple of guys in their dorm room and it was just like, what, this is amazing.Right. And one of my first friends I met was someone who. Basically slept with like seven dudes in the first week of college, right? I mean, and she was just going for it and she was gorgeous and she was funny and she was just having a great old time. probably like was sex positive before that was a term that people talked about.And I was. I was just fascinated. I just fascinated. I'd never even, I was like this, Oh, a girl can, can do this. And, and for a while I was so intrigued by how different her perspective was that she became for a short while, one of my closest friends. Now, once I got past that excitement. I was like, Oh, we don't have that much in common. the shine sort of wore off, not that it was suddenly we were enemies, but it just, we, we drifted apart. And I think that was a perfectly appropriate friend to have, right? For, for a while, having that adventure was such a big part of my, where my spiral was. And, and over time I shifted that.Right. So, so it's, this isn't to say like everyone needs to be, , finding this perfect friendship right away. We also want you to try, try new friendships and venture out a little bit from some of the people that you've always been friends with, or the type of person you've always been friends with.This is normal and good and exciting.Yeah. I like that. I think that, sometimes there's a benefit of taking a social risk we know from social psychology, we tend to, be pretty homogeneous in terms of our friend circles. we tend to choose people that are really similar to us. that has to do with safety and feeling secure.You rob yourself sometimes of an opportunity to find that there's values potentially that you're not paying attention to in friendships because you're not exposing yourself to other people. Let's say in your example, that might be a little bit more fun or exciting or spontaneous. and not be so serious sometimes about things or whatever it might be that you'll see that, Oh my gosh, I really could use that sometimes.And to be able to have a friend in your. I was gonna say Rolodex, Sarah, but like, I don't, doOh, Lord, Liz. We just lost all our listeners.theepisode is going to be onthe funniest thing is like, I never had a Rolodex. Like why, why in God's name am I saying your friendship Rolodex?Next time we'll be like, Hey, listen, if someone beeps you on your beeper and they were to talk about how not to field calls on your beeper, um, by the way, I did have a Rolodex in my first job.You did? Did you just turn that little thing? Just,Just flip, flip, flip, flip. I can still feel and hear there's actually, it's like an ASMR vibe.I know, well that's, I was trying to do that, Anyway, why are we talking about Rolodexes?we clear, we clearly don't, but,We'll give a link to the Wikipedia page of what a Rolodex is for all of our listeners if you're really curious. they're gonna be like, wait, Rolex.Yeah.Oh myWhat else do we want to say about the friendship matrix? I think, you know, you had said something earlier that, you feel your best as a friend when even thinking about yourself on this friendship matrix, right? What do you contribute to friendships? am I acting in line with my own values and the type of friend that I want to be?and you're going to feel your best about your friendships if you have your spiral kind of in the right area. Maybe just being mindful of, okay, like, where is that? And do I need to, broaden it? Maybe I need to narrow it a little bit. Maybe I need to think outside the spiral a little bit.Take some chances socially.I also, yeah, a little bit of a tough love moment that so much of our, so many of our episodes talk about, , how to find your people. It's also really pretty important that you try to think about where you are on this. Maybe not for adventure versus anchor. Cause some of that's just, , that's just, you were born, right?Probably to be an adventure or an anchor, or somewhere in between Sometimes I'm one, sometimes I'm like, don't even look at me, you know, like if I'll hide in my room for a day, but the give and take part, is important. if you are thinking about how other people are impacting you, maybe just take a quick second to think about, Is there a friend right now where you've taken a lot of withdrawals and you might need to go and give some of the deposits to that friendship Yeah. I think that's definitely like a continuum that you should really. evaluate in terms of, just having awareness, you know, , where am I on here? And do I need to be paying more attention to this? So I hope this is helpful. I mean, any of my friends who are not even college students, if you're listening, i'm going to be plotting my friendship matrixYes. Liz. Okay. I'm going to put you on the matrix.Oh, on the give and would be a really, I think that you're good with the fun. You're really good with the fun, especially when we're in person, which is why I'm excited to hopefully see you in a fewI know.I got to say, guys, if you become a psychologist, you got some really good friends.I know. Well, I was going to say too, I would never have done this podcast if you, you Sarah did not have a good balance of adventure and anger. Like it would be way too boring. I wouldn't laugh. but you're also like solid in your knowledge and skill level and reliable. But I want to know exactly where I'd be on the matrix, you're definitely the redI'mno, no, I am so sorry.I'm joking. But the last thing I'll say, but I, cause I even think within the podcast that this balance that even with the give and take. We've really had to explore that a lot with the podcast too, right? Like where there's times where we have so much going on personally and professionally that we need more of each other than usual and vice versa.Yeah.soYeah. I mean, these are things we have, you have to think about this, not just in college. It's just maybe a little more fun in college because there's more people, there's more people to plot. well, so Liz, you know, get out your BlackBerry and let's look at our Rolodex, and figure out our next guest.Yes. Bye guys. I'm just ending on your Rolodexwe should have a nickname for our listeners, Bye Fineys. It's like, because doesn't Jack Shepard always call them the Cherries?The cherries, oh god. I am like on, let me stop this. I'm, I'm done.