Latest / Dits & Dahs / your soul is not your parent's destiny
Transcript
- Sue: When I was a teenager, I was really in my head about my future life as a musician. And my folks were confirmation with a bird. And my folks were keen to help me succeed by slipping my gigs at instruments and being my roadies and paying for the lessons and transporting me to and fro. And this was all when I was still before the age of consent, freshman, sophomore age in high school. And by then of course any kid in high school is getting the Confirmation in America is getting constantly asked, You're gonna go to college, what are you gonna study in college? All of those things that seemingly as a teenager you're having to think about that haven't even happened yet. And you're not really appreciative of the amount of planning and effort that takes to get you to the point where once you make those decisions you can make them happen for you. Because after all, you still have to be accepted, starting to feel pretty cocksure about what you think is best for you. Of course you don't fully understand it because your brain hasn't stopped growing and you really can't sit and making adult decisions like what college to go to because it's not just making decision to go to a college, it's paying for it and organizing a dormitory if that's what's in place. ⁓ and generally they're clumped together as a unifying support of the decision you made to pursue music at such and such a place. I had the great fortune because of my parents' willingness to pay for it to attend a college preparatory school, wherein when you became a student, the school, because it was a boarding school, the school became your guardian and your parents agreed and signed on to that as a contingency to you study there. But you weren't allowed off campus without permission from the school. And if you were off campus, you were doing so in whatever uniform was appropriate for the occasion and easily identifiable as a not yet adult college preparatory boarding school student so that everybody in public knows what's going on. You have no transportation, so you're literally at a place where the school is your home. And the very expensive college prep boarding school that I attended was arts focused and was recently in the New York Times for having released their results of a investigation with regard to abuses and harassments. You can figure out what the detail is. And it got me thinking about the fact of how cocksure you are as a teenager, at particularly at a school that is guiding you to be an artist, that you are standing in your own power as if you understand the decisions that you're being asked to make. Thing is you didn't realize that perhaps your parent had made the decision for you that your soul is no longer yours. And it will be the sacrifice that delivers the abundance and riches that your parents so dearly want. Until you're in a situation where you go up and participate in the ceremony, comes the moment that you're asked to sign something and you're cajoled into signing it because maybe it's your fault or maybe it's your guardian is saying, ⁓ this is the way it should be but after all, you want to have success in your life, don't you? Well, they're not really talking about your success, they're talking about their success. And that your life has been sacrificed to make that happen. The life force that belongs to you will be given over to your parent who is cajoling you into signing something without you reading it. I think that's probably a situation that none of us will have ever encountered. But you get the drift here is that a not quite yet adult has been emotionally abused to make decisions that end up being self sacrificing. And so maybe the rest of your life you don't really attain all of the creative goodness that is your destiny, because you've signed your soul to something that just puts you in a maybe a very comfortable life. You're not gaining anything. You're not making a name for yourself or whatever you aspire to be as a creative person, because unbeknownst to you, you're in contract with the devil. As creepy as that sounds, when it comes to trusting loved ones and those who are professionally in your life to help mentor you and guide you, as a teenager, you can easily be coerced into making a decision that you believe is artistically the best for you, but in fact it's just the opposite. Because you chose or didn't know That you had a choice to allow others to control you. I had a roommate when I was at the academy, who went home after a few weeks, arriving mid year, basically having a nervous breakdown because her dad expected her to be a concert pianist, a father who was making money and providing her the best of the best pianos in which to play, and convincing her that practicing eight hours a day was the only way that she was going to make good, with all the tools that he provided for her. It broke her. So much so that when I came home after my day of classes I was schift out of my own room that I shared with her, because the advisor to us, living advisor, and her father were in deep discussion about extracting her from the academy. I wasn't privy to that conversation, nor do I want to even guess, but she was gone shortly thereafter. I never kept in touch with her. But it's one of those moments where you look at your own life and go, Well, I'm really glad that my folks didn't just push me into this. In fact, I had to push my parents into spending the money. That they probably had to borrow to make my year at interlock impossible. And whatever other financial sacrifices they will have made to do that. But it was after that event that I kind of surmised that handing over the decision making process, even if it's the school as a guardian for two semesters, was not in the best light for my life. It's also a time when your physical body is going through hormonal changes and things and your mind and body are starting to become fully present in your life. You're not necessarily treat read treating or recognizing that you may be not in control with your urges, but nonetheless you're looking to satisfy those urges. And in some way you you fall into alignment with your mentor, your private teacher. It's a system that no matter where you are studying, music is rife for potential of abuse. You too are occupying a private room, which may or may not be in view of others or in earshot of others. And those that choose To abuse that situation can do so pretty much unimpeded, unless the student knows not to accept that behavior and to reject it by explicitly saying no or saying no, I'm not gonna sign this. You're looking at this as an opportunity to further your interests, satisfy your urges as well. Maybe by this time you have reached the age of consent, but nonetheless, you don't have the power at all to do that. And those that do have that power, it's easy for them to abuse it. It's about being afraid of those decisions that come your way. It's all about being aware that when those decisions come your way and they will, despite how intense your feelings may be physically, you have to step back. Your sixteen year old self may be the only adult in the room. You have to be actionable to yourself. And as someone who chose the wrong path of action at one point in my life, I say this as only a guide should you wish to follow it, to recognize that speaking up, asking questions, not accepting it as the status quo is really important. And I see you for that. Just now. You may feel that you're very alone at that moment. I'm there with you. I can't tell you what decision to make, only then to support you by saying, Read the contract. Really read the contract. Do not be pushed into making a decision. Ever. Even the little decisions that I make, I sometimes sleep overnight on them before I decide. I'm sixty-five now, I've kind of learned my way through this. Just sharing it with you just in case. But when you do realize you've made that decision because you were cajoled by others to do so and now you have regrets, you must speak up. You must act out. You must remove yourself from that situation. In whatever way that you know how. Don't make it worse by hurting other people, physically or mentally. Just extract yourself. And that can be really difficult to do when you don't realize that you in fact do have the strength to walk away. All I can say is read the contract. Really read it. Don't be pushed into signing anything and don't sign anything. And if you see others action actionable in ways that are not in your best interest, as they are the guardians for you, speak up. It's a lot to put on a teenager, but the only The only people that are in it for you is you. Others will say, ⁓ we support you in what you do, and that may be the fact. But you are responsible for your own yes no decisions. Is it good for me? Maybe I should say no and revisit it later. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. Everyone that loves you will respect you for that, not cajole you or force you or coerce you. And these are people that you think you had full trust in and love for. You control you the earlier in your life. That you understand that and act in control, the happier you're gonna be sooner in your life. Because then you will prevent yourself from just making decisions just because so and so said it was a good idea. It's not gonna prevent everything that happens to you, but it keeps you accountable to you for your best decisions. Thanks for making the decision to hang out with me for a few moments and share your energy. I appreciate you.