Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Common Relationship Patterns - healthy, dysfunctional & toxic

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Common Relationship Patterns - healthy, dysfunctional & toxic · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurrentry people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, and today I'm going to speak about common relationship patterns.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Common relationship patterns I see show up in my work with clients and recognizing yours.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, relationship patterns are not static, we're not fixed in one particular dynamic for the rest of our lives, but they are common.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oftentimes we repeat these patterns as we shift and grow into different relationships or different versions of our current relationship, or we can look back and recognize patterns through that showed up in our past relationships, and then perhaps want to take the next step, and that is to go on and heal them.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Our relationship patterns are created from our childhood, they developed in our family of origin, they are developed from what we learned about loving and relationship and relating with one another in our in our family of origin from our own experience as well as observing particularly our parents and other family members, as well as from lived experience.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: The wounds we we um take on from lived experience, the wounding, the heartbreak, the stories we tell ourselves about past relationships all become a part of our embodied experience of relationships and part of our, therefore, our relationship patterns.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now, our relationship patterns determine or dictate a few things.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Who we choose to enter a relationship, the type of complementary human we're attracted to or drawn to or we draw to us, the mirror or the puzzle piece that fits with our own.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: So the kind of person we tend to get into relationships with.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have a type, you very well likely have a relational or relationship pattern.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: That type, that person that you continue to attract or you continue to engage in relationship with is an indicator of your relationship pattern.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Our pattern also determines how we engage and interact when we are in relationships with other humans, and that is, yes, our intimate partner relationships, but also friends, workplace, relationships, family.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: So they determine how we behave and how we engage and interact, what we allow, our boundaries, what we do or do not allow others to say or do in relationship with us, and the behaviors we use, the communication styles or patterns or strategies we use or we don't use during relationship, and what we will accept, how we let others treat us, what we allow them to say and do with us in while in a relationship.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: So our patterns do dictate a few things, namely who we choose to be in relationship with and how we interact and engage, and what we allow, how we allow them to interact and engage with us.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: So next I'm going to outline a few of the common relationship patterns that I see come up in my work with clients, and I invite you to see if you can recognize yourself, maybe somebody else you know in any of them.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Bearing in mind that our relationship patterns are not fixed and static, set in stone forever and always.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: They can shift and they can change, and they will be different depending on who we're interacting or engaging with.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: It'll be different whether we're interacting and engaging at work, with family of origin, or with intimate partner, you know, our intimate partner or in an intimate partner relationship.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: But if you, as I said earlier, if you have a type or you tend to find yourself drawn into similar issues, dramas, patterns, then you might find this outlines useful.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: So the first one I'm going to talk about is the parent-child dynamic or the caregiver relationship pattern.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And in a caregiver relationship pattern, if you're the caregiver, you're the parent, you're always trying to fix or take care of or improve the other person you're in a relationship with.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And this can happen whether that other person, your partner, your friend, wants this improvement or this caretaking or not.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: So you might have someone who wants to be taken care of and fixed, therefore, you taking the parent or caregiver role is actually complimentary to them, or maybe you keep partnering or becoming friends with people who don't want to change but who you want to fix.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're taking on that parent or caregiver role and overcompensating, trying to shift, change, fix, improve the person you're with.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the parent part of the parent-child relationship.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, the flip side is if you're in a relationship where you feel like you are constantly being taken care of, you're allowing and you're enabling the other person to be the carer to overcompensate for you and to do all the things for you, you might be adopting that child relationship in a parent-child dynamic.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, if that's working for both of you, there's nothing wrong with it.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: However, it's when it's not working for one or either of you or both of you, it can become an issue, particularly if you are the parent and you're parentifying the relationship and you're overcompensating and you're trying to shift, change, fix someone who's quite happy as they are.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: The next relationship pattern I want to talk about here is what I call the island.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Some people will call it the rock or the ice maiden.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and this pattern or this way of being in relationship is often born of childhood or lived experience where you have learned not to trust intimacy, where you've learned that letting people get close to you results in being let down, in pain or hurt, or heartache, and so you only let people close to you to a certain degree.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: You only let them get just close enough to you.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's a self-protective style of relating or of being in relationship.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: You don't ever let someone completely in, you'll just let them get close enough to you, never all the way.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Another common, really common um pattern that I see in my work.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, predominantly I work with women, but there is also a male version of this.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: So it is the good girl or Mr.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Nice Guy, and while it's not always gendered, when we're talking about the good girl, there is the flip side of the Mr.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Nice Guy, it's often the good girl that I see.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Good girl conditioning for women is layered and nuanced and runs really, really deep.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: We are rewarded as girls, as women, for being good and quiet and nice.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: Being the nice guy is also often layered and based in family of origin experiences and expectations.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: But as the good girl, we want to be chosen.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: If you are playing into the good girl narrative or into the good girl relationship pattern, you want to be chosen.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: You never ask for too much, you give more than you take, or you give and don't take.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: You allow everyone else to be first, to go first.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're ensuring everyone else's needs, your partners, your families, whoever, whoever you're in relationship with, you're you're making sure that everyone else's needs are well met.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to be seen as too much or too loud or too demanding.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to rock the boat, you don't want to make a fuss.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to make anyone else feel discomfort.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: So you make sure you take care of everybody else and put yourself last.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And you keep smiling, even when things get hard, like your marriage.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: We are conditioned as women not to ask and not to ask for what we want, or we have been conditioned.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I really think that there's this is shifting and changing, but as I said, it it's layered and it runs really, really deep.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: We are still conditioned as women not to ask, not to ask for what we want, be that a raise, sexual intimacy, our partner to shift or change something.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: We're uh we're conditioned not to ask or expect our needs to be met.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: We are taught to be the good girl, and a good girl often partners with an alpha, which is another relationship pattern.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: So the alpha is one who takes control, takes the lead, is dominant.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a good girl or a or a Mr.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Nice guy will often partner with an alpha and allow them to be the driver of the relationship.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the alpha patterning, the alpha has to be in control.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: They hold the casting vote or the upper hand, however you want to want to explain that to yourself.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: They will only engage in a relationship where they feel they are the more powerful one.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Often, not always, but often, the alpha will begin a relationship with love bombing, their new partner, setting up a dynamic of power imbalance right from the get-go.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: They will make all the decisions, they determine the course and the path, and even the speed of the relationship, and they will only choose relationships where they can maintain that sense of power, where they are the driver and in control, because that is what feels safe to them.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: If you are an alpha, you dictate the rules, and you're very clear about your wants and needs and desires, but less likely to care about or even consider what anyone else needs.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this can be really subconscious, deeply rooted in family of origin stuff, in creating safety for yourself.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're so used to being in control, to being the driver of your life, of your relationships, that you don't even stop to consider that your partner may not want exactly the same as you do.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: That is how the alpha shows up in relationships.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Similar to that, and similar also to the parent child and the caregiver is over and under functioning relationship pattern.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I've done a whole other podcast episode on that, so if you've not yet listened to that one, I invite you to go back and have a listen.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Over under functioning in relationship is where one of you takes on all the things, does all the things, whether that be the physical doing of household tasks, caring for children, paying the bills, mowing the lawns, um, organizing things, has control of the calendar, takes on the mental and emotional load of the relationship, and the other person steps back, the underfunctioner steps back, and it's it's a cyclic dynamic where the overfunctioner feels they can't stop, they can't let go, they can't stop doing all the things because they don't trust that their underfunctioning partner will step in.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And if they do step, if they do stop doing all the things and their underfunctioning partner does not step in, then it reinforces the pattern, and vice versa.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: The underfunctioning partner feels like they can't step up because the overfunctioning partner either has it all under control or is so controlling and perfectionistic about the way things are done, they can't step in, therefore, their underfunctioning is reinforced that their partner's got it all under control.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: I can resent them because they're controlling it, but I can't step in.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: So and resentment does play a key part in that dynamic.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: But again, whole other podcast episode on under and over functioning in relationships, what it looks like and how you can shift it.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I invite you to go and have a listen to that.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: Another common relationship pattern that I see play out in work I do with my clients is the doer versus the thinker or feeler, or the emotional versus the logical, where one partner lets their heart rule, the heart-driven, while the other takes a more rational, logical, problem-solving approach to situations.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Where one is the real proactive, get stuff done, the doer, while the other is more prone to thinking more deeply and reflecting more emotionally.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Neither is wrong, it's just a pattern that I see play out and a dynamic that can cause conflict.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: The doer can also manifest as the fixer, which plays back into the under-over-functioner and the parent-child type dynamic.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Next pattern that I wanted to speak to was a pattern of connect withdraw, where one partner is more likely to seek regular closeness, and that can be positive closeness like physical intimacy, open communication, or it can be a little more nuanced, perhaps a little bit more challenging in you know, picking up your partner's phone and flicking through messages or tracking them on a tracking device, where the other partner prefers privacy.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: So one is seeking regular closeness, connection, and seeking safety in knowing that they're connected, and the other partner prefers privacy or a little bit more withdrawal.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: It can also look like one partner seeking connection and closeness and intimacy and interaction with a partner who in turn feels overwhelmed by that.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: So one partner is seeking closeness, connection, intimacy to create their version of emotional safety, but that doesn't feel emotionally safe for their partner who then feels overwhelmed and withdraws.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: So the rock or the island ice maiden dynamic plays a part here, as does or as can just a classic introvert-extrovert pattern, where one partner is more on the introverted end of the spectrum, needs time alone to recharge, and the other needs time to be with people to recharge.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, you might need time in nature, white noise, downtime and solitude to really be able to then come back and connect with your partner, whereas your partner needs that much more close, intimate connection, and really only feels energized when you're all socializing with a whole lot of other people.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: So that can lead to a connect-withdraw type dynamic in relationships.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: So there are a few things playing into that, um, into that relationship pattern.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Another pattern is what I call attack-defend.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: So in this dynamic, there's a pattern of what either is or feels like attack or criticism, which responds in a defensive retaliation or just denial defense.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um can manifest where one partner seems to kind of go after the other partner on a regular basis, leaving the other one to resort to self-defense.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: So attacks or criticisms can be, they can actually be suggestions or requests or corrections, or they can be veiled as.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: big fights, big makeups.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: There can be an element of the good girl, bad guy in here, or and and again that doesn't necessarily have to be gendered along those lines, but often is so the good girl thinks you know it's perfect, it's wonderful, she's found her she's found her person or that you found your person um and your partner the other person feels like they are suffocated and need a little bit of space so they step back.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: Of course this makes the the person in the relationship who desires more time more intimacy faster connection step poor step forward and push and push and push for that which in turn feeds the dynamic and the puller pulls back and pulls away so if this sounds familiar to you it's a it's what I call a push-pull pattern.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: If also you are experiencing that on again off again highly charged often highly sexually charged relationship which is really volatile with awesome amazing intimate connection and then a big blow up fall apart come back again that is another part of this dynamic whereby you can become almost addicted to the drama and addicted to the energy and the adrenaline of that breakup makeup pattern and while it can feel quite amazing it isn't necessarily healthy.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: It is depleting it is exhausting over time and so if that's your pattern I invite you to have a look at what you're actually looking for and how to create emotional safety so that you can have open conversation with your person to dial that reactivity that volatility down and seek a different kind of way to connect these are just a few of the relationship patterns that I see by no means an extensive list as I said I will I will record and release a full episode on codependency it could be a number of episodes and there is a full episode on under and over functioning in relationship because I see it come up so so much in my work.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you recognize yourself in any of these patterns and you want to take this work a little deeper I'm running a free masterclass May 26th I'll drop all the details in the show notes.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: This is an opportunity to get face to face with me live and to have me support you to reflect, reclaim and liberate yourself from relationship patterns so you can shift and change your current relationship or any future relationships you would like to have I'm going to lead you through the exact process I use with clients which is of course the reflect reclaim and liberate framework and I'd really love to share that with you.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_00: So if it's something that you want to go a little bit deeper with deeper on I should say with my support all the details in the show notes with a link to sign up to that free live online masterclass would love to support you.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_00: If it's not for you but you know that know someone that would be supported by it please please share it.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've got something from this episode that it's given you food for thought opportunity for reflection and would love to as I said support you further in the masterclass if that's something that would be helpful for you.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: As always thanks for being here I really appreciate you sharing your time and space and energy with me.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time I'm Sally Ann Hartnell Relationship Coach and you've been listening to Reflect, reclaim and liberate you can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoach and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode please please share it with them.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next month for another episode of Reflect, reclaim and liberate.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: Until then