Latest / Living Uncertain an OCD Podcast / Save your frustration for when the shit hits the fan (OCD)(Episode 27)
Transcript
- Opening: Hello, and welcome to the podcast, Living Uncertain. This podcast is dedicated to obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD, and the primary treatment, exposure response prevention, ERP. OCD comes in many forms, such as contamination, perfectionism, checking, harm, superstitious, religious or moral, sexual orientation, and or relationship. ERP is the gold standard to treating OCD. and it focuses on deliberately confronting fears, the exposure, while refraining from compulsive rituals, the response prevention. With repeated exposures and without engaging in compulsions, we learn to tolerate anxiety and break the cycle of intrusive thoughts. We are a married couple that have faced both the challenges of OCD and the incredible healing that ERP can provide to your marriage, family, and your home. As a person who lives with OCD, I am much more than this diagnosis. We all can be. Marc and Stacee: Hi y'all, it's Stacey. And along with my husband Mark, we want to thank you for living uncertain with us yet again. Of course, as you all know, this is the podcast that addresses all things OCD and ERP. And welcome to this next episode. I believe it's episode 27. 27. Wow. Thank y'all so much for listening and tuning in each week and really helping us and helping others out there become so ingrained and a part of this O C D community because it is so important that we we keep the conversation going, we keep the discussion happening around OCD and what it can mean for an individual and a family and especially what happens when therapy is helpful and with e when ERP takes place. so just yeah, thank you all for listening. We really appreciate it. So prior to coming on, we've been talking and The title of this episode is going to be Save Your Frustration for When the Shit Hits the Fan. Ooh, wow. Okay. So well, okay. So I I would imagine we're gonna give it that title because as we talk more about OCD and its impact on our family in particular, as many of you listening to us know by now, we have two teenage children. And shout out to all of the parents this last weekend or this week who have moved a freshman into a dorm. So shout out to our freshman who starts his first semester of Arizona State University here. And we moved him into the dorm. And he's our oldest. And so we know we're not the only parents out there who are experiencing. A little bit of grief, a little bit of loss there, a little bit of frustration perhaps on other ways. but just a really exciting feeling for what our son is going to go out there and accomplish. And we hope that he does so much and he's got big plans and and we'll be there behind him to help support those plans coming to fruition. And and we want so much for him. But but yeah, shout out to all those parents moving kids into the dorms. It is back to school time for college campuses, especially here where we are in Arizona. yeah. It it's not easy. I know, Here in the United States, you do four years of high school. And, you know, as parents, you know, you try to get them through high school. And this is where, you know, Stacy and I are Gen Xers and we're raising Gen Z. Some Gen Zs. no, two Gen Zs. Yep. Solidly Gen Z. It's very different in the generational sense, and both Stacy and I were raised by boomers. And so, you know, we come at things a little bit b you know, different. but one of the things that we have been struggling with and this is why You know, the the title of the episode, you know, save your frustrations till the shit hits the fan. you know, we we are a little bit more frustrated at least I am, with with our son and you know, he's out there living his best life and doing whatever he wants because he hasn't had that experience to just not Have any rules or restrictions or people watching him per se and you know and so once again to although this is a podcast generally dedicated to O C D and ERP. I'm gonna circle around to that. We're we're digressing just a little bit because big things have happened and continue to happen in our life and and O C D always kind of hangs in the in the umbrella of it all. Yeah. and so there are things to address. that our what our family is still going through in terms of of my own OCD and and what that means and what that has mean has meant for our son, Miles, who is going to college now. And how I've had to go through certain exposures to help allow him to have a very typical college experience. And and it hasn't been easy. And the weight of my own O C D has been heavy on me again recently. And it's not fun. And after feeling like that weight has been a little lighter in recent months and especially the last year, to feel that weight getting heavier again, I'm having to find myself circling around to really committing to that idea of exhaustion again, committing to the idea of the exposures and really interrupting the cycle of compulsions so that I don't fall into that same trap. So we we have talked a lot about your treatment, your toolbox that you have gained going through your ERP and I know what's in your toolbox, a lot of it, and you know, we work on that together. you know, and and this has not been easy like last night, he was out all night long. Mm-hmm. Not At the dorm that you know he is supposed to be at. And that was frustrating this morning for both of us. And your OCD ticked up a little bit. Yep. My frustration was up. Mm-hmm. You know, like a simple text. Hey, you know, I'm not gonna be home tonight. And so when your frustration hit my OCD, boy. Yeah. Fun around our household. So one of the things that that kind of hit me when we were talking before the the episode, like you you tell you've told me like I wish you would Change some of my behaviors. Mm-hmm. In a positive way per se, like around Miles and and how I interact with him and my frustration and correct all of that type of thing. And you've turned your your OCD into a positive. Mm-hmm. And you've worked through the skills that you've been given. We're working on it. We're still working on it. But yes, I mean for the most part. But w when we were talking at it near the end before we came on, it hit me. Uh-huh. You have the skills. You've been given the skills to fight your OCD. Got it. And you want me to change. Uh-huh. But I don't necessarily have the skills. I've been given the skills or the toolbox to change Is your toolbox empty? And this part it is empty to help address the things that are frustrating you with me. Huh. Because all of our therapy has been, or at least to say ninety-eight, nine percent of it. has been revolved around your O C D. Now we're to a different point in your O C D journey. Yeah. And, you know, like we were talking about with Miles in particular, like the first three years of his high school career, you were dealing with the business, your OCD, and you weren't present. So I was the one that was I felt like that's fair. No, that's having to make sure that he was getting good grades, wasn't failing his classes, continuing to earn his credits, so on and so forth. Sure. As a high school principal myself, I know what the implications of Yes. Not hitting those markers. And what implications for him it would have been if he would have been a D student all the way across the board. His opportunity right now would not be laid out in front of him if he was a D student. No. Now he's been given this opportunity and he doesn't realize the the the time that I put in to make sure that he was doing that. And then with your support in there too, when you were able to, he now has this opportunity to go to a state college, do the program that he wants to do because we were on him. Right. That's fair. I work with a lot of students that parents are not on them and they sitting, they're sitting at a one point To GPA. That's not getting them even into a community college. Right. No, I understand that. And and I think we appreciate our our listeners out there too when we do digress a little bit because I think we're learning as we get older that the differences between our generation, Generation X, and the generation we're raising of generation generation Z. are so vastly different in so many ways. And it really is an interesting conversation as well to be had. that is a not necessarily always in the scope of O C D or ERP, but it also because our situation does include that, there is an element of that in there as well, trying to raise two Gen Z kids well based on a Gen X childhood. And while you're trying to heal And now you're to the point to where you see things in me that you would like to maybe see change as far as how I address or talk with Miles and Avery. You know, and and that's a hard thing. I don't have the tools. So shout out to our therapist, too, who's most likely listening to this episode right now. We need to give Mark some tools. We need to fill his tool toolbox because it's empty. And we need to help him just as Y'all have helped me so much because you're right, a lot of the therapy has been focused on how you can support me because I need to go through the the exposures in order to disrupt the cycle of compulsions, which we have done pretty successfully and pretty excitedly over this last couple of year journey. I'm hoping that this little bit of weight I feel now will eventually dissipate again because I have felt so much better. And I know that it's in me to get to that point again. And I want to get there. But a lot of the therapy has been directed at that. But I think that there's a real conversation to be had too with a spouse such as Mark, who maybe has not had as much of the focus of therapy on them. And then what they can how do they operate now perhaps a little differently now that their spouse is operating differently. Because the OCD isn't as heavy a weight on them as well. Hundred percent. And so there's really now we're doing it together. Yeah. We're we're we're parenting together. We're we are, you know, living life together more. You're in the moment. Mm-hmm. You know, and you're living uncertain with with the future. Yep. You know, even with Miles not going back to the dorm last night, you're like, Well, yeah, maybe he is dead. Well don't put that out on the universe again. Jiminy Cricket. Just saying. You know, but you had to tell yourself that Good gracious. Yeah. But you weren't having a panic attack on the floor. No, I wasn't. I wasn't. But my frustration was going, and you're absolutely right. What he was doing was not enough to be frustrated with. He's not in jail. Mm-hmm. He hasn't gotten in a horrible car accident. Mm-mm. He hasn't gotten a girl pregnant yet. Hopefully not. Not that we know of. Maybe in nine months. We'll just have to wait and see. He's also not abusing drugs or alcohol. That we know of. We're pretty confident in that one. I'm gonna maintain some confidence in that one. He hasn't failed out of college. Not yet. Or ever. Let's not put that into the university there. my gosh. So really, you know, my frustration with that doesn't need to hit the fan. It doesn't need to be at the level that it has been at, which then also helps it does trigger your OCD a little bit. Mm-hmm. And your OCD triggers my frustration. And that's a bad combination. It is a bad combination. And then our communication breaks down. Mm-hmm. And when we need to address the things that's happening with him, we we can't. I we're on the same page, but we're not on the same page. Right, right, right. Same thing with Avery. Yeah. A lot of the other things though we are on the same page with, but when it comes to the kids, sometimes it's difficult because We're so heavily invested in their success because you know, that's our legacy passing on. That's our They're our kids. That's our absolutely. Yep. And we want them to be successful. We want them to be happy. We want them to live the best life that they can. Right. And sometimes our my gen, you know, Xer comes out. And I focus on the the stupid things. Well, that was those are your words, not mine, but the card catalog in the encyclopedia. We could go on and on about everything and anything Gen X too. We should well, there's a new podcast there, isn't there? Gen X versus Gen Z. There's a lot of conversation to be had. You know, so I I do think that As we go through these bigger events, these changes, you know, and I'm still dealing with my eye situation. Yes. You know, hopefully in the next month or so that will be resolved. And that's bringing a little bit of frustration. That's an extra stressor on the family. And and anytime you bring extra stressors, no matter who it is in the family, with any typical family dynamic, the stressors just add to frustration and and challenges. Then with our family, Dealing with obsessive compulsive disorder. On top of that. On top of that, again brings a whole nother layer, which is why we had to address it, tackle it. And we still have to keep an eye on it. We still have to keep monitoring it to make sure that it doesn't sneak back in. And at least now you and I both are better able to recognize it, address it right then, and figure out the plan of action to try to not allow that to happen again. And I love what you said, our communication breaks down. But just as we do in this podcast, we f we find a way to bring it back around because as we have told our listeners before. The love and the trust that you and I have for one another outweighs everything. Yeah. And so we can always come back to that. We can always depend on that. And we are so blessed and so fortunate to have that. And and and that is what we want and what we want to help others be able to get as well in this in this journey and in this conversation. One of the things that I I have noticed is where my frustration is not helpful for your O C D and we'll take, you know, Miles for example, is when you're unsure of something about him and you'll ask me for for a check in and I'm frustrated with his behaviour. I do not realize you're doing a check-in sometimes. Mm-mm. A lot of times. No. I've gotten away with a lot the last couple days. And they sneak. So our therapist will be happy too, I'm telling on myself right now. Yeah. And they and they they do sneak in for you, but I also miss them. Yeah, they weren't sneaking in for me. They were I was I was legitimately trying to check in with you, and you were legitimately letting me get away with it. Because my frustration was allowing that to cloud my my mind. So, you know, if you're you and your spouse, if you're working through the ERP with a spouse and your frustration is rising, just know that you might need to take a step back from whatever the situation is and think about is this my my frustration? because of the O C D my frustration because of the situation, and then making sure that you're not giving into that compulsion. That's hard. Mm-hmm. That's really hard. Yes. Because then you think I'm ignoring you too, sometimes. Like if I if I'm quiet. Ugh. You you think I'm I'm ignoring you and I'm not part of the conversation and I'm not because my frustration is there. I do I do know I do that. I appreciate this perspective tonight, babe. I think this is good. This is an interesting take on some things for you and I and I l I like it. And I will say this usually when we sit down and we start recording an episode is when I think you and I start to have some of these mini breakthroughs. Mm-hmm. We do. because it brings a little bit more clarity. Yes. So along with clarity, along with trust, along with love, we should always we should also bring grace back into the conversation, right? Like we've talked before about how OCD is an ongoing thing. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and not have OCD. So if it feels a little heavier right now because we're going through some more bigger life changes, then it means we just have to both sometimes take a step back and allow ourselves to have that grace. Okay, maybe you didn't disrupt my cycle of of compulsions by giving into my checking in and needs for reassurance, but you were frustrated as well. Yep. So it's not always going to be a perfect system. And we can both step back and say, oops, yep. Got away from us a little bit, but here now we know how to get it back on track. Whereas before, and again, shout out to our therapist who's amazing. We we didn't know. We didn't know what to do, but now we do. Yep. And and it's the best. I feel your toolbox, our toolbox with your OCD is very full. It's very full. Now we need another toolbox. Yeah. And we need to start filling it up. And just know that toolbox started A empty. Yes. And we added one tool at a time. And and now that toolbox is really big. And it took more than just two sessions or three sessions or even twenty sessions to work through. I mean your your your the ERP was intensive there at the beginning to where we were going to the store and buying a bunch of tools. Yeah. Maybe didn't know how to use them all. But we had a bunch of tools. we put them in there. Yeah. Now we can go and pick from those tools that we have to help counteract that. But like I was saying earlier, mine is empty with some of the stuff that I need to work on. Which then would help your O C D too. Mm hmm. And that that I know is gonna be hard work too, because I'm pretty set in my ways. You know, being a principal too, you have to solve problems and fix things and I know. Did we mention that you're pushing fifty in your Gen Xer? yeah. yeah. I had that too. yeah, we mentioned that already. Yeah, the midlife crisis thing that you said with the big tattoo on my arm. Yes. Yeah. That's right. I know this too will pass with miles and college. Yep. We'll navigate that as we go through it. It's not gonna be easy. But it will get easier. Yeah. And he is now at an age and stage in life where he is supposed to be spreading his wings a little bit. He is supposed to be gaining a little bit of independence and and navigating the world a little more on his own. And again, shout out to all your parents who did that this week along with us because it is not an easy thing to do. Yeah. And You know, it's we're gonna we're gonna be there when he needs us and that's that's our new role. We're adjusting to a new role of parenting as well. So we want to thank everybody for listening to the shorter episode. You know, I know it was, you know, filled with just different things that's happening with with us, but that's what we like to do though. We're always keeping it real and authentic for y'all because this is an ongoing process and it's not always easy. And that's why we keep talking about things like grace and love and trust. And it's a big part of of the journey. You know, and and down the road, as soon as I get more tools in my toolbox, because I know that's gonna happen. Put it out there in the world now. So it's gonna have to happen. You know, we'll and me too. I'll be there. absolutely. This is something that we'll we'll do together. It's not gonna you know, that's the one thing about our journey is we have been doing this together. Yes. You and I have always felt like we do everything together. And that's why I think we're, you know, have a different a special relationship in that way too. I agree. You know, even early days, driving to work together, you know, going home together and that stuff. It was definitely different than I think most. Yes. So Well, again, we appreciate you all listening. We appreciate you all living uncertain with us as we navigate living uncertain with a college freshman son. And high school age daughter now. And if you want to come on the show, please reach out. in the link. There'll be links in the d episode description. They can just click on one and we'll bring you to a fill form and fill it out. And we'd love to have you on and share a little bit of your story, a lot of your story. Could be just one person, could be, you know, you and your spouse. It could be We'd love to offer support and And help and and more than anything, just offer a place to feel safe to express your story. Yep. A hundred percent. Thank you for living uncertain. Thank y'all. Till next time. Marc & Stacee: Thank you for joining us on today's episode and Living Uncertain with us. We are not therapists and this podcast is intended to provide information and support. It should not replace traditional means of seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. If you like this episode or would like to hear more, please like, subscribe or share with someone you think may benefit. Here at Living Uncertain, we're building a community of support. If you and your significant other would like to share your story, we would love to have you on the podcast. Please click on the link in the episode description and fill out the interest form.