Latest / Wake Up with Marci / 5 Sobriety Tips to Support Your Recovery Journey | Marci Hopkins

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5 Sobriety Tips to Support Your Recovery Journey | Marci Hopkins · Wake Up with Marci

0:00
Speaker 1: I woke up in the guest room of my home
0:02
Speaker 1: and I finally surrendered. There was something different. There was
0:07
Speaker 1: a shift that happened. I knew that I had to
0:12
Speaker 1: make a change because I was about to lose everything
0:16
Speaker 1: that I had worked so many years to build. So
0:19
Speaker 1: I admitted to myself that I needed help. And then
0:23
Speaker 1: I did one of the hardest things that I had
0:25
Speaker 1: ever done. And I walked downstairs and I sat on
0:27
Speaker 1: the couch with my husband in tears. And I said
0:30
Speaker 1: three words, I need help. This is Wake Up With Marci,
0:36
Speaker 1: a space for honest conversations about healing, recovery, and women's wellness.
0:41
Speaker 1: I'm Marci Hopkins. Take a breath. You're safe here. Let's begin.
0:50
Speaker 1: Every single day at around five o'clock, my body still remembers.
0:55
Speaker 1: It doesn't ache for a drink the way it used to,
0:58
Speaker 1: but there's this flicker. a tightness in my chest that
1:02
Speaker 1: shows up right on schedule. Like it's checking to see
1:06
Speaker 1: if I'm paying attention. For years, five o'clock was wine o'clock.
1:11
Speaker 1: My whole day built up to that first pour, that
1:17
Speaker 1: first cold glass of wine in a crystal glass. And
1:20
Speaker 1: I told myself that it made me classy instead of
1:24
Speaker 1: what it actually was. And on October 4th, 2015, I
1:30
Speaker 1: woke up in the guest room of my beautiful home
1:34
Speaker 1: on one of the most beautiful streets in Wyckoff, New Jersey.
1:39
Speaker 1: Sunlight was coming through the shades and everything was calm
1:43
Speaker 1: on the outside. But on the inside of my head
1:47
Speaker 1: was a war zone, shame, guilt, a DUI I couldn't undo,
1:54
Speaker 1: and a voice telling me that I was a terrible mother,
1:58
Speaker 1: a bad wife, and a fraud. That was the hangover
2:03
Speaker 1: that I'd been circling for years and it finally caught me.
2:08
Speaker 1: I'm more than a decade sober now and I still
2:12
Speaker 1: want you to hear this clearly because nobody tells you
2:15
Speaker 1: this part. Sobriety doesn't mean hard days stop coming. It
2:20
Speaker 1: means you build something strong enough to meet them when
2:23
Speaker 1: they do. So today I'm giving you the real list.
2:29
Speaker 1: not the Pinterest version, the five things that actually keep
2:33
Speaker 1: me upright on the days that are hard. Hello all,
2:38
Speaker 1: I'm Marci. Welcome back to Wake Up With Marci. If
2:41
Speaker 1: you are new here, I'm Marci Hopkins. I'm your host.
2:45
Speaker 1: I'm a wife, a mom, and I've been sober for
2:48
Speaker 1: over 10 years. I used to be the woman with
2:51
Speaker 1: the family, the house, the social circle, pouring wine in
2:55
Speaker 1: that crystal glass at noon and calling it normal. I
2:59
Speaker 1: wasn't passed out in an alleyway. I looked from the
3:03
Speaker 1: outside completely fine. And that's exactly why it took me
3:07
Speaker 1: so long to say the words that I need help.
3:13
Speaker 1: I'm an alcoholic. I say all that not to relive
3:16
Speaker 1: it for shock value, but because I think a lot
3:19
Speaker 1: of you watching or listening are living some version of
3:23
Speaker 1: that same performance right now. Holding it together on the outside,
3:28
Speaker 1: but yet falling apart on the inside. This show, Wake
3:32
Speaker 1: Up With Marci, exists because I don't believe in pretending
3:36
Speaker 1: healing is a straight line. So today isn't a highlight reel.
3:41
Speaker 1: It's the actual toolkit. Five of the things out of
3:45
Speaker 1: many that I've tried that I go back to over
3:50
Speaker 1: and over again. So I want to share with you
3:53
Speaker 1: how I got here. So it's not my full story
3:57
Speaker 1: because I wrote a book for that But just enough
4:00
Speaker 1: for you to understand why these five tools worked so
4:05
Speaker 1: well for me and continue to work. Because I tried
4:08
Speaker 1: to get sober and then I went back out. I
4:12
Speaker 1: went to meetings. I was sober for about three months
4:16
Speaker 1: and I started comparing my story because I wasn't that
4:20
Speaker 1: kind of alcoholic. I was still functioning, still a good mom,
4:24
Speaker 1: still showing up. And I white knuckled my way back
4:28
Speaker 1: to just drinking less. And that backfired. Like I said,
4:34
Speaker 1: within a year, I was hiding my drink, drinking all day,
4:39
Speaker 1: drinking at lunch, drinking and driving, and still telling myself
4:43
Speaker 1: that I was fine. Then came the DUI on October 3rd, 2015.
4:49
Speaker 1: That was the consequence I needed and that I couldn't
4:54
Speaker 1: argue my way out of. I went to bed that
4:58
Speaker 1: night a victim because I was always a victim. Things
5:02
Speaker 1: were always happening to me. If things were different, if
5:05
Speaker 1: my circumstances were different, if my husband was better, it
5:08
Speaker 1: was always somebody else. But that next morning I woke
5:13
Speaker 1: up in the guest room of my home and I
5:16
Speaker 1: finally surrendered. There was something different. There was a shift
5:20
Speaker 1: that happened. And I knew that I had to make
5:27
Speaker 1: a change because I was about to lose everything that
5:31
Speaker 1: I had worked so many years to build. So I
5:36
Speaker 1: admitted to myself that I needed help. And then I
5:40
Speaker 1: did one of the hardest things that I had ever done.
5:42
Speaker 1: And I walked downstairs and I sat on the couch
5:44
Speaker 1: with my husband in tears. And I said three words,
5:49
Speaker 1: I need help. And it was the hardest thing that
5:52
Speaker 1: I'd ever done. I admitted that I needed help. The
5:56
Speaker 1: walls came crashing down. I knew at that time that
6:01
Speaker 1: I had a problem with alcohol. And he didn't look
6:05
Speaker 1: at me with judgment. And I thought he was going to.
6:08
Speaker 1: I thought he was going to leave me. But instead,
6:11
Speaker 1: he looked at me with tears and softness and relief.
6:16
Speaker 1: And for the first time in my life, I felt
6:19
Speaker 1: something that I had been chasing my whole entire life.
6:24
Speaker 1: And that was unconditional love. And he gave it to
6:28
Speaker 1: me in that exact moment. And that helped me to
6:32
Speaker 1: move forward. I did something so hard that morning, surrendering,
6:38
Speaker 1: becoming vulnerable. I thought those things were weakness, but the
6:43
Speaker 1: thing is that is the strongest thing that you can do.
6:48
Speaker 1: That day I reached out to a woman that I
6:50
Speaker 1: had met in the rooms a year prior. And that's
6:56
Speaker 1: another thing that's so, so vital is to know that
7:01
Speaker 1: you stay sick in isolation and community is everything. So
7:05
Speaker 1: I reached back out to this woman that I had
7:07
Speaker 1: met that I connected with. And she met me at
7:11
Speaker 1: a meeting that day, a 12 step meeting in Oakland,
7:14
Speaker 1: New Jersey. And I went into that meeting so full
7:17
Speaker 1: of shame and guilt and fear and I sat down
7:22
Speaker 1: and I was so sick from the hangover. I actually
7:26
Speaker 1: had to get up and go into the bathroom and
7:30
Speaker 1: get sick. I was so embarrassed. I thought for sure
7:36
Speaker 1: that people would have heard me in the room. But
7:40
Speaker 1: I looked at myself in the mirror after and I
7:42
Speaker 1: washed myself up and I just said, God, please help me.
7:47
Speaker 1: Please make it stop. And I went back into the
7:51
Speaker 1: room and I sat down and I raised my hand
7:54
Speaker 1: and I said for the first time and believed it, hi,
7:59
Speaker 1: I'm Marcy and I'm an alcoholic. And that was the beginning,
8:04
Speaker 1: not the end of the hard days, the beginning of
8:07
Speaker 1: learning a new life, beginning to find the tools for
8:11
Speaker 1: the hard days. I'm going to say that again. That
8:15
Speaker 1: was the beginning, not the end. I realize now that
8:20
Speaker 1: I wasn't giving something up. I've changed the way that
8:23
Speaker 1: I look at it. Even though in that moment, I
8:25
Speaker 1: thought I'm giving up alcohol. The reality was I was
8:31
Speaker 1: letting go of alcohol, something that was destroying me and
8:36
Speaker 1: it was getting my life back. And that was the
8:39
Speaker 1: beginning of finding those tools for the hard days. So
8:44
Speaker 1: here are five of mine. The first one, is move
8:48
Speaker 1: a muscle, change a thought, right? So we're gonna get
8:52
Speaker 1: up and we're gonna move and we can walk. And
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Speaker 1: this one stopped me from drinking more times than I
9:00
Speaker 1: can count because here's the truth, what's happening with a craving, okay?
9:07
Speaker 1: We get a craving and we think that we have
9:10
Speaker 1: to act on it. But a craving is a thought,
9:15
Speaker 1: all right? It's a thought. But then it's like a wave.
9:20
Speaker 1: And when you get up and you move and you
9:22
Speaker 1: interrupt that, you can't think two things at once. And
9:26
Speaker 1: so you interrupt that thought process. So think of it
9:31
Speaker 1: as a wave. So there's a peak, but then it
9:34
Speaker 1: comes down and it only lasts for like 20 minutes. Okay.
9:39
Speaker 1: And you can get through those 20 minutes. It's just
9:43
Speaker 1: learning these tools to do it. And that's why I
9:46
Speaker 1: love this one, move a muscle, change a thought. Because
9:50
Speaker 1: if you get up, you're moving and you're changing that thought.
9:55
Speaker 1: And like I said, you can't think of two thoughts
9:57
Speaker 1: at one time. So a walk, a gentle stretch, sometimes
10:02
Speaker 1: a full workout, sometimes just standing and shaking out my
10:05
Speaker 1: hands like a lunatic in the kitchen. It doesn't matter
10:09
Speaker 1: what it looks like. What matters is that your mind
10:12
Speaker 1: follows your body, right? So you get out of your mind,
10:16
Speaker 1: you're into your body. And then that second One is
10:20
Speaker 1: I move my focus, my energy, and I shift with it.
10:26
Speaker 1: And that craving that felt like a five alarm fire
10:30
Speaker 1: 30 seconds ago starts to lose its grip. Because in
10:35
Speaker 1: early sobriety, this replaced the ritual that I had. Because
10:41
Speaker 1: that craving, that trigger, that wave that I had arrived
10:46
Speaker 1: always happened at five o'clock. That was wine time for me.
10:51
Speaker 1: That's when I started cooking dinner. So that was just
10:55
Speaker 1: a natural reaction at that time. It was like a
10:58
Speaker 1: little trigger, right? Pour that glass of wine and then
11:03
Speaker 1: the relief. So what I did is I replaced that
11:07
Speaker 1: ritual and I put sparkling water or I would use,
11:12
Speaker 1: I loved grapefruit juice with salt on the rim that
11:16
Speaker 1: helped me through that sugar craving. Or I would call someone,
11:20
Speaker 1: like I said, I'd walk. But slowly those rituals would
11:25
Speaker 1: start to rewire my brain. So if you remember nothing
11:29
Speaker 1: else from today, when it gets loud in your head,
11:33
Speaker 1: get up. move a muscle, change a thought. It's not
11:39
Speaker 1: a metaphor. It's biology and it works. The next thing
11:47
Speaker 1: is the gratitude box. And let me tell you, gratitude
11:52
Speaker 1: has been everything for me. Okay. And it sounds really
11:56
Speaker 1: simple and you may think you can't find gratitude in
12:00
Speaker 1: the hard times, but If you start to rewire your
12:04
Speaker 1: brain and your thoughts, you can, because this is super simple,
12:12
Speaker 1: but it's also hard, but it really matters. When we
12:16
Speaker 1: start to change our thoughts and our processes and what
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Speaker 1: we do when we wake up in the morning, it
12:21
Speaker 1: helps us to change what is happening in our life.
12:25
Speaker 1: And so that first thing that I would do instead
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Speaker 1: of that shame loop or reeling about what I had
12:32
Speaker 1: to do for that day or maybe something that happened
12:35
Speaker 1: the day before, I would think about things that I
12:37
Speaker 1: was grateful for. So maybe three things. So maybe it
12:41
Speaker 1: was the warm bed I was in, the cup of
12:44
Speaker 1: coffee I was about to have and the comfortable or
12:48
Speaker 1: cozy pajamas I had on. And then I would go
12:53
Speaker 1: downstairs and I would write them down and I would
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Speaker 1: drop them in a box. So on the hard days,
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Speaker 1: I would open up that box and I would read
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Speaker 1: a few and it would remind me. And then another
13:06
Speaker 1: great one was at the end of the year, I
13:08
Speaker 1: would open the whole thing and I would read every
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Speaker 1: single one. And here's what that does. On a day
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Speaker 1: when the shame is loud or the old voice is
13:21
Speaker 1: telling you nothing has changed, you have physical undeniable proof
13:26
Speaker 1: in your own handwriting that it has. Gratitude never fails
13:33
Speaker 1: to bring me perspective and peace. And let me tell you,
13:38
Speaker 1: I'm over 10 years sober and I still do it
13:41
Speaker 1: every day, even on the days that I don't feel
13:45
Speaker 1: like I deserve it. So you don't need a fancy box,
13:48
Speaker 1: just grab an old shoe box, a jar, even if
13:52
Speaker 1: you want to do it in your notes app. What
13:54
Speaker 1: matters is that you're building a record that you could
13:58
Speaker 1: hold on to when your own memory of the good
14:01
Speaker 1: days gets foggy. Because on a hard day, your brain
14:06
Speaker 1: will lie to you and tell you that it's always
14:08
Speaker 1: been this hard. But when you grab those things that
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Speaker 1: you're grateful for, they don't lie. And this takes you
14:17
Speaker 1: from a mindset of lack into a mindset of gratitude,
14:24
Speaker 1: seeing the things that are good, in your life and
14:28
Speaker 1: that gets easier and easier. So the third thing is
14:33
Speaker 1: call your person. Write down that person for you so
14:39
Speaker 1: you always have it available. And this is one that
14:43
Speaker 1: saved my life more than once. And it starts with
14:46
Speaker 1: that woman, Debbie, that I told you about, that I called.
14:50
Speaker 1: I'd met Debbie during my first failed attempt at a sobriety.
14:55
Speaker 1: A year before my DUI, I'd stopped going to meetings,
15:00
Speaker 1: but something in me knew that I was going to
15:03
Speaker 1: need her number. So I kept it. And the day
15:07
Speaker 1: after my DUI, I called her. She saved me. I
15:11
Speaker 1: called her an angel for so long. She was my connection.
15:16
Speaker 1: She was the one that could help me. And she
15:20
Speaker 1: met me at that meeting and I was hung over
15:22
Speaker 1: and I was ashamed. And I got out of that
15:25
Speaker 1: car and it just went into her arms and there
15:28
Speaker 1: was no judgment, just warmth. And even though I ran
15:32
Speaker 1: to that bathroom to throw up, she was still there
15:36
Speaker 1: waiting for me. And Debbie became my sponsor. And I
15:40
Speaker 1: want to tell you something about her that I think
15:42
Speaker 1: matters more than the sobriety part. She helped me to
15:46
Speaker 1: see that I wasn't powerless. I was stuck and stuck again.
15:52
Speaker 1: You can get unstuck from. That's a very different story
15:56
Speaker 1: than the one addiction wants you to believe about yourself.
15:59
Speaker 1: Here's the flip side to this tool because it's just
16:03
Speaker 1: as important. Not everyone gets a seat at your table.
16:08
Speaker 1: Around that same time, I tried to explain to someone
16:10
Speaker 1: close to me that I was getting sober and they said,
16:14
Speaker 1: you're not that bad. You can have just one. Oh,
16:18
Speaker 1: And I wanted to believe that, but it also was
16:20
Speaker 1: like a punch in the gut because for years I
16:23
Speaker 1: had told myself that exact same lie. And hearing it
16:27
Speaker 1: from someone else almost gave me permission to go back out.
16:33
Speaker 1: So this tool isn't just about calling someone. It's about
16:37
Speaker 1: calling your person. The one who meets you with the
16:41
Speaker 1: warmth that gets it. Someone that you know will pick
16:47
Speaker 1: up that phone and be there for you and understand
16:52
Speaker 1: what you're going through and maybe just say the one
16:57
Speaker 1: right thing that you need to hear. Someone that's going
17:01
Speaker 1: to be there for you that helps to keep you
17:03
Speaker 1: sober and the one that makes you feel safe. And
17:08
Speaker 1: if you don't have that person yet, if you don't
17:10
Speaker 1: have your Debbie, that's okay. You're going to find one.
17:14
Speaker 1: You're going to find one in a meeting. Maybe it's
17:16
Speaker 1: a therapist, a sober friend, a hotline. You're not meant
17:22
Speaker 1: to do this on your own and you can't because
17:26
Speaker 1: you truly will stay sick in the silence. The fourth
17:31
Speaker 1: for me was prayer. I mean, believing in something higher,
17:38
Speaker 1: bigger than yourself, whether it's universe, source, God, I had
17:44
Speaker 1: a spiritual awakening through my healing journey. And I didn't
17:50
Speaker 1: expect that to happen. I just thought you stopped drinking.
17:53
Speaker 1: I didn't realize all these changes, but it was through
17:57
Speaker 1: this prayer and faith and looking through something bigger than
18:02
Speaker 1: myself helped me to have that spiritual awakening. I was
18:08
Speaker 1: trying to get through the day without reaching for that
18:11
Speaker 1: glass of wine. So most days after my meeting, It
18:16
Speaker 1: would go into the small chapel that was attached to
18:19
Speaker 1: the meeting. And that was in a Hocus, New Jersey. And,
18:23
Speaker 1: you know, a lot of people would stay there and
18:27
Speaker 1: chat and, and get to know one another. And I
18:30
Speaker 1: did that too, because it's so important to make those connections,
18:34
Speaker 1: but it was always drawn to that little chapel. It
18:38
Speaker 1: was maybe like 20 pews. There was a red carpeted altar.
18:45
Speaker 1: And there was this small gold lamb on the wall.
18:49
Speaker 1: And in front of me and also behind me was
18:53
Speaker 1: a stained glass window of Jesus cradling a lamb in
18:56
Speaker 1: his arms. And I would kneel in front of that
18:59
Speaker 1: lamb and just pour my soul out. And I would
19:04
Speaker 1: tell him, my higher power, Jesus, that I wanted to
19:08
Speaker 1: be that lamb, safe in his arms. I told him
19:12
Speaker 1: how scared I was. I begged him to take away
19:17
Speaker 1: the pull of that alcohol. And I made a promise.
19:21
Speaker 1: If you get me through this, I will follow you
19:24
Speaker 1: for the rest of my life. And you know what?
19:28
Speaker 1: That pull began to lift slowly. Not all at once.
19:33
Speaker 1: But it became calmer inside of me. And I became reconnected.
19:40
Speaker 1: I would say that the serenity prayer, which is... such
19:44
Speaker 1: a beautiful prayer, whether you're in recovery or not. And
19:49
Speaker 1: this was something I would say daily that would bring
19:51
Speaker 1: me closer to my higher power. God, grant me the
19:56
Speaker 1: serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage
20:00
Speaker 1: to change the things I can and the wisdom to
20:03
Speaker 1: know the difference. And on the hard days, it's not
20:08
Speaker 1: just a nice sentiment. It's not just a nice prayer.
20:11
Speaker 1: It's an actual instruction manual. Acceptance. I can't control other
20:18
Speaker 1: people's reaction. Courage to walk into a room when I
20:23
Speaker 1: want to hide, to just say no to a drink.
20:28
Speaker 1: Wisdom to pause and ask for help instead of white
20:33
Speaker 1: knuckling it alone. And listen, I know some of you
20:38
Speaker 1: out there may be rolling your eyes at the God talk.
20:41
Speaker 1: And I get that. And it's hard. We, for so long,
20:46
Speaker 1: have been programmed through organized religion. And this is something different.
20:53
Speaker 1: You don't need my faith. You don't need a doctrine
20:57
Speaker 1: or a church or a conversation or a conversion or
21:01
Speaker 1: a perfect belief. You just need a place. to put
21:06
Speaker 1: your pain and a willingness to try. Sit somewhere quiet,
21:12
Speaker 1: ask out loud or silently, what do I need to
21:17
Speaker 1: hear today? See what happens. That's the whole ask. What
21:26
Speaker 1: do I need to hear today? And then the fifth
21:30
Speaker 1: thing that has been huge And this one took a
21:35
Speaker 1: long time to understand, but it might be the most important.
21:41
Speaker 1: And that is service. When I am spiraling, when the
21:46
Speaker 1: hard days start tipping into the hard week, the fastest
21:52
Speaker 1: way that I know how to interrupt that is to
21:55
Speaker 1: stop focusing on myself and start focusing on someone else.
22:00
Speaker 1: Helping somebody else. It takes me out of my own ego,
22:05
Speaker 1: my own mind. It reminds me that I matter. And
22:08
Speaker 1: it reminds me at the exact same time that the
22:12
Speaker 1: world doesn't actually revolve around me and my pain. And
22:16
Speaker 1: that's not punishment. That's relief. And that is why, in
22:22
Speaker 1: some strange ways, that this show exists. Why I wrote
22:27
Speaker 1: my book. Why I answer messages from strangers. I want
22:34
Speaker 1: to help people that are in their early days of
22:37
Speaker 1: sobriety that are terrified. And every time I do that,
22:41
Speaker 1: not just helping them, I'm reinforcing my own recovery, the reward. Honestly,
22:48
Speaker 1: that is why I do the work that I do.
22:53
Speaker 1: This is the service. This is the calling. And you
22:57
Speaker 1: don't need a platform to do this. Be something small.
23:02
Speaker 1: as one honest conversation with someone else who's struggling, sharing
23:07
Speaker 1: what worked, listening to what didn't. Recovery was never meant
23:13
Speaker 1: to happen in isolation and it cannot, I cannot say
23:19
Speaker 1: that enough. It is about community. It is about coming
23:24
Speaker 1: together and giving back is how you turn your worst
23:27
Speaker 1: chapter into somebody else's flashlight, guide, light. So just remember,
23:37
Speaker 1: move a muscle, change a thought. Keep that gratitude box.
23:42
Speaker 1: Just write down three a day. Call your person, the
23:46
Speaker 1: safe one. Write that down so you have it available
23:50
Speaker 1: so you can see it. So it's a reminder because
23:52
Speaker 1: I know it's hard to call. Find your version of
23:56
Speaker 1: that chapel. And give something back, even when you have
24:00
Speaker 1: almost nothing left to give. None of these five things
24:04
Speaker 1: fix a hard day. And I want to be honest
24:07
Speaker 1: with you about that. Ten years in, I still feel
24:11
Speaker 1: that five o'clock tightness sometimes. But I can get through
24:16
Speaker 1: it now. And the difference isn't that the hard days
24:21
Speaker 1: stopped coming. The difference is I finally have somewhere to
24:24
Speaker 1: put them and navigate them. to get through them. So
24:30
Speaker 1: if you are in your own version of that guest
24:33
Speaker 1: room right now, if your room looks calm, but your
24:37
Speaker 1: mind is a war zone, please hear this the way
24:42
Speaker 1: I wish someone had told me sooner. You are not broken.
24:47
Speaker 1: You are not too far gone or damaged or too late.
24:51
Speaker 1: You are ready and ready is enough to begin. If
24:57
Speaker 1: today brought something for you, please don't sit with this alone.
25:02
Speaker 1: If you need help right away, please reach out to
25:06
Speaker 1: SAMHSA helpline 1-800-662-4357. Also, there is Crisis Tax Line 741-741.
25:08
Speaker 1: And if you feel like things are an emergency, call
25:10
Speaker 1: or text 988. So come back next week. Bring someone
25:30
Speaker 1: with you if you can. And until then, no, you
25:33
Speaker 1: don't have to do this perfectly. You just have to
25:37
Speaker 1: do it today, one day at a time. Thank you
25:42
Speaker 1: so much for joining today and sharing this personal space
25:47
Speaker 1: with me and allowing me to share my truth to
25:52
Speaker 1: help you one day at a time. All right, guys,
25:56
Speaker 1: thank you. Have an incredible week. Remember, you're not alone.
26:00
Speaker 1: And I'll see you next Thursday.