Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Doing our Family Road Trip – Season 2 The Middle Years | Ep. 73

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Doing our Family Road Trip – Season 2 The Middle Years | Ep. 73 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:07
  Cheryl: Welcome to the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:10
  Cheryl: I'm glad you're here today.
• 0:12
  Cheryl: I'm your host, Cheryl Lang, and we're doing a series talking about parenting as though it were a cross-country road trip, and we're focusing on the different ages and stages of your parenting years.
• 0:27
  Cheryl: Today the recording team, which is Ellen Christie, and me, explore the maybe a little simpler middle years.
• 0:36
  Cheryl: Ages.
• 0:36
  Cheryl: MM, six to 10.
• 0:39
  Cheryl: We end up describing this time period maybe as your opportunity to connect a lot of dots and to do a lot of investment.
• 0:49
  Cheryl: Listen in, because this is a season with a lot of opportunity.
• 1:02
  Ellen: Hey, you know what happened to me this weekend?
• 1:03
  Ellen: It was really funny.
• 1:05
  Ellen: What?
• 1:05
  Ellen: Well, it was kind of weird, funny, but, um, I always have delivery from Walmart.
• 1:09
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 1:09
  Ellen: So he put a small delivery in because we were having family over the next day and I heard the guy come and didn't go to the door because he just leaves it.
• 1:17
  Ellen: So I didn't think about it and about 10 minutes later I went out and I went.
• 1:20
  Ellen: Whoa, what is this?
• 1:23
  Ellen: Because my order was like$50, like two bags of apples, some bananas, and I had almost$300 Oh.
• 1:31
  Ellen: Worth the groceries that I had to lu in.
• 1:35
  Ellen: And I said to my husband, I go, these are ours.
• 1:38
  Ellen: Because Walmart I know won't take them back cause Oh wow.
• 1:41
  Ellen: For liability reasons.
• 1:42
  Ellen: Sures, you know,
• 1:43
  Cheryl: um, was it good St what was it?
• 1:45
  Cheryl: Yeah, well some of it was
• 1:46
  Ellen: good.
• 1:46
  Ellen: Um, I gave away literally two big boxes Uhhuh to, um, one of my daughters and to my grandsons who have their own house now.
• 1:55
  Ellen: So, but yeah, I mean, we got some ribs and some chicken.
• 1:59
  Ellen: Oh my goodness.
• 2:00
  Ellen: And then, um, there was a lot of, maybe Convenience food.
• 2:03
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:03
  Ellen: That Mike and I wouldn't eat, but I Oh, your
• 2:05
  Cheryl: grandson are
• 2:06
  Ellen: grandsons will probably be happy for that.
• 2:08
  Ellen: And you know, Mike was happy cuz we got a bunch of deli sandwiches, so he gotta take those
• 2:12
  Christie: to work the
• 2:13
  Cheryl: next.
• 2:13
  Cheryl: Oh goodness.
• 2:14
  Cheryl: I'm thinking of the people who got your, oh, that's, and they're going.
• 2:18
  Cheryl: What are we gonna do with bananas, apples, kale, right.
• 2:21
  Ellen: And quinoa.
• 2:22
  Ellen: I mean, it was really unimpressive.
• 2:24
  Ellen: Like no, it wasn't a big order or anything.
• 2:27
  Ellen: And I just thought somebody's gonna be really disappointed, cuz you could tell this was their, you know, end of the week shopping for next week and lunches for people and Wow.
• 2:36
  Ellen: I still
• 2:37
  Cheryl: think of the other people who thought they were gonna get all of this for the week.
• 2:40
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 2:40
  Cheryl: And they're going, does anybody know what Quin WA is?
• 2:44
  Christie: They're like, is this a sign that I needed
• 2:46
  Cheryl: healthier?
• 2:47
  Cheryl: Also, this is one of the ways, you know, You know, we've just finished three years into our right post Covid world and.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: This is one area I think it's changed and isn't gonna go away is the delivery deliveries.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 3:00
  Cheryl: It's,
• 3:00
  Ellen: I was doing it before Covid, because I'm basically, after having five children, a really lazy shopper, and so if I can sit and just click, click, click uhhuh, then I can go get my fresh stuff that's the only shopping I do is for fresh food.
• 3:13
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 3:13
  Ellen: And I just go click, click for the rest, and it comes to my door very
• 3:16
  Christie: happily.
• 3:17
  Christie: Right.
• 3:17
  Christie: There's a handful of souvenirs from That season that we wanna keep, that we, we
• 3:21
  Cheryl: enjoyed.
• 3:22
  Cheryl: Well, and I actually took a picture one time where I had three mask that were sitting in my car, Uhhuh on the seat.
• 3:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:30
  Cheryl: For whatever reason, different ones.
• 3:33
  Cheryl: And I thought if we could go back to whatever it would be January of 2020.
• 3:38
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:39
  Cheryl: And say, This was in my car.
• 3:41
  Cheryl: I'll pay you.
• 3:41
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:41
  Cheryl: I think how often?
• 3:42
  Cheryl: A thousand dollars.
• 3:42
  Cheryl: If you can tell me why.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: You know?
• 3:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:45
  Cheryl: Just interesting.
• 3:46
  Cheryl: What an interesting time we've lived through together.
• 3:47
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 3:47
  Cheryl: That's exactly right.
• 3:48
  Cheryl: And so the world and a culture have changed.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:52
  Cheryl: And so this is our segue into what we're gonna talk about today.
• 3:55
  Cheryl: We've been talking about the family road ship.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: And that picture.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 3:59
  Cheryl: And, this time, we're into what we call sort of the middle ages.
• 4:04
  Cheryl: Five to six-ish to 10 ish.
• 4:07
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:08
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 4:08
  Cheryl: The elementary years.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:10
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:10
  Cheryl: Um, and so let's, uh, Encapsulize, what would you say to remind everybody what are we coming out of?
• 4:17
  Cheryl: So the families on this road trip, what was that first season?
• 4:21
  Christie: Well, that first season is a very needy season.
• 4:24
  Christie: It's, they need a lot from us.
• 4:26
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 4:27
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 4:27
  Christie: They're dependent on us for all of their needs and wants and, and it gives us a lot more control over, oh, I was gonna say,
• 4:35
  Cheryl: There is the
• 4:36
  Ellen: control and supervision.
• 4:37
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:38
  Ellen: You have to supervise that age.
• 4:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 4:40
  Cheryl: So it's a lot of effort.
• 4:41
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:41
  Cheryl: A lot of hands
• 4:42
  Christie: on.
• 4:42
  Christie: Yes.
• 4:43
  Christie: And it may be one of the most shocking moments of parenthood, you know, it's, you go from not having children to having children.
• 4:50
  Christie: Sure.
• 4:50
  Christie: It can be shocking.
• 4:51
  Christie: It sure
• 4:51
  Ellen: is.
• 4:52
  Ellen: Or having a.
• 4:53
  Ellen: Sweet, cute little baby, and then all of a sudden they're screaming at you.
• 4:56
  Ellen: Right?
• 4:56
  Ellen: Because they didn't get what
• 4:57
  Christie: they wanted.
• 4:58
  Christie: A lot of
• 4:58
  Cheryl: shocks for the first time in it.
• 5:00
  Cheryl: Yes, it really is.
• 5:01
  Cheryl: Okay, so now that little sweet thing.
• 5:04
  Cheryl: Ha We've had a few years mm-hmm.
• 5:05
  Cheryl: We've, um, grown through that season and we're continuing and now we're in what of the flyover states mm-hmm.
• 5:12
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:13
  Cheryl: Of our, uh, seasons of parenting.
• 5:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:16
  Cheryl: On a road trip.
• 5:17
  Cheryl: So what would y'all say, how would you describe in general this season, and what was it to you in these middle years?
• 5:24
  Cheryl: Well,
• 5:25
  Christie: you say flyover states.
• 5:26
  Christie: It's a little bit, I mean, it's a good parallel because I think for a lot of these middle years, it's kind of the, um, smoother part of the road trip.
• 5:35
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 5:36
  Christie: A little bit of coasting happens.
• 5:37
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:37
  Christie: maybe a few pit stops along the way, but.
• 5:41
  Christie: You know, for the most part it's a smoother
• 5:43
  Cheryl: ride.
• 5:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 5:44
  Cheryl: I would agree.
• 5:44
  Ellen: It's, it's like a real road trip when you get to go through, like I'm from California and you drive across country and you get to go through the desert.
• 5:52
  Ellen: Mm.
• 5:52
  Ellen: And you trend to do it, you know, when it's cooler, if you can't, but you can see for miles ahead.
• 5:57
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 5:58
  Ellen: There's very few potholes and you can kind of see, and you know, it's relatively.
• 6:04
  Ellen: Less complicated than it was when they were younger and you just had to provide so many things,
• 6:09
  Christie: right?
• 6:10
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:10
  Christie: A little more predictable maybe.
• 6:11
  Christie: Oh, that's a good
• 6:12
  Cheryl: one.
• 6:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:12
  Cheryl: I remember the first time we went and drove from Oklahoma to Denver and when we turned the corner west in Kansas and basically it's one flat road and you can almost see the Rockies at the end of it.
• 6:26
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 6:26
  Cheryl: And I think that's not a bad, analogy.
• 6:29
  Cheryl: Yeah, yeah.
• 6:29
  Cheryl: To what these years are like.
• 6:30
  Cheryl: Personally, when I looked back on it, when I experienced, I would say four to eight was a favorite season.
• 6:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:39
  Cheryl: Because it was simpler, right.
• 6:41
  Cheryl: I would use the word simpler.
• 6:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:43
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 6:43
  Cheryl: Not without flat tires and not without challenges.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: But they know how to dress themselves, right?
• 6:50
  Cheryl: They know how to do the basic skills.
• 6:51
  Ellen: Yeah
• 6:52
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 6:52
  Cheryl: And if you've worked with them, they know how to fold and put their clothes away and, they have some skills so we can coast a little bit.
• 7:02
  Ellen: Right.
• 7:02
  Ellen: And they don't need the same level of supervision, right?
• 7:04
  Ellen: Yes.
• 7:05
  Ellen: You can say, go outside and play in the backyard for a while and you know, they'll be fine.
• 7:09
  Ellen: Right.
• 7:09
  Christie: And they're more.
• 7:11
  Christie: Eager to please in the season Oh, yes.
• 7:13
  Christie: And cooperative.
• 7:14
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:14
  Christie: They still love being with you.
• 7:17
  Christie: Yes.
• 7:17
  Christie: You know, in, not in an needy way, but just in a delightful
• 7:20
  Cheryl: way.
• 7:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: There's a lot more of that.
• 7:22
  Cheryl: I mean mm-hmm.
• 7:23
  Cheryl: The energy, they're come running through the room and they might stop, come back, give you a big hug, right.
• 7:27
  Cheryl: And then go on.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:29
  Cheryl: You know, that to me, typifies sort of a little bit, maybe the eye of the hurricane.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: That the, bookends of this season are a little more challenging, right?
• 7:41
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's a good point.
• 7:42
  Cheryl: Okay, so we've kind of generally described what it's like, so this is kind of what we enjoyed about it.
• 7:50
  Cheryl: So what are more of the challenges of this, middle season that we're talking about on our road trip?
• 7:57
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 7:58
  Christie: I mean, I think this season is our first.
• 8:01
  Christie: Earliest glimpses of releasing a little bit of control.
• 8:06
  Christie: That's true.
• 8:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:07
  Christie: You know, like you said, they put them putting their clothes away or dressing themselves comes with sometimes of Oh, uh, that's an interesting pairing that shirt, pants, and, and they have more creativity and expressions, so sometimes that can bring a challenge.
• 8:25
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:25
  Christie: You know, to accept.
• 8:26
  Christie: Um, that releasing of control in those areas.
• 8:29
  Christie: Ah, there we Oh, that's it.
• 8:30
  Christie: Or how they choose to put the clothes away.
• 8:32
  Christie: True.
• 8:33
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:34
  Cheryl: That we have to give them more freedom mm-hmm.
• 8:37
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:37
  Cheryl: To fail as they're developing themself towards the releasing.
• 8:42
  Cheryl: And if you're enjoying that.
• 8:44
  Cheryl: Warmth of that intimacy, you begin to feel the pool away you know the boat pulling away from the shore just a little bit, right As you go through these four or five years.
• 8:56
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:56
  Cheryl: And they can be
• 8:57
  Ellen: funny, weird too.
• 8:58
  Ellen: At this stage, I just remember, you know, one of my goals is to make sure that my kids left.
• 9:03
  Ellen: Everybody knew how to cook uhhuh.
• 9:05
  Ellen: So my oldest.
• 9:06
  Ellen: Son always had to do something
• 9:08
  Cheryl: to the food, but he's become an excellent chef.
• 9:11
  Cheryl: He's a Wonder Chef.
• 9:12
  Cheryl: Wonderful
• 9:12
  Ellen: cook.
• 9:12
  Ellen: He is, he's a really good cook, but he was also creative with like green food color.
• 9:16
  Ellen: Oh.
• 9:17
  Ellen: So, you know, I would leave him, you know, with a, with a simple meal to.
• 9:22
  Ellen: Put together and we'd all sit down and go, why did you put green food colors right on the macaroni and cheeses uhhuh, you know?
• 9:30
  Ellen: So that's kind of funny.
• 9:32
  Ellen: Now, sometimes at the time it wasn't really funny when the rest of the family was going, Ew,
• 9:37
  Christie: you're right Ellen.
• 9:38
  Christie: This is kind of a season of.
• 9:40
  Christie: Awkwardness in a lot of, mm-hmm.
• 9:41
  Christie: I mean, middle school years are awkward too, but this is about the age when my kids would get a joke book from the library.
• 9:48
  Christie: Yes.
• 9:48
  Christie: We'd all have to laugh at all the corny jokes, and I just think of their teeth in this age.
• 9:53
  Christie: They're losing the teeth at rapid rate, and then they start growing in kind of funky.
• 9:58
  Christie: Oh, they're
• 9:59
  Cheryl: huge.
• 9:59
  Cheryl: Uhhuh, those cute little baby teeth in that little mouth.
• 10:03
  Cheryl: And now they've got these enormous teeth, right?
• 10:04
  Cheryl: Teeth.
• 10:05
  Cheryl: I mean, it's.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: It's kind of prophetic of what's happening.
• 10:09
  Cheryl: Yes, that's true.
• 10:09
  Cheryl: Forecasting what's
• 10:10
  Ellen: gonna happen and what they think is funny we may not think is funny.
• 10:14
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 10:14
  Ellen: There's a joke, mom,
• 10:16
  Christie: Uhhuh,
• 10:17
  Cheryl: you know.
• 10:18
  Cheryl: One of the benefits I think of this age is we can say so much more Yeah.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: They didn't understand it when they're little.
• 10:26
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:26
  Cheryl: But as we head towards the teen years, it's the end.
• 10:31
  Cheryl: Of our, um, teaching years.
• 10:34
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:34
  Cheryl: I mean, it's diminishing greatly.
• 10:36
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 10:36
  Cheryl: And we have to be so much more cautious than what we say.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: in general in the teen years Right.
• 10:43
  Cheryl: And I found a lot of freedom in the relationship in these years to say a lot more to mm-hmm.
• 10:50
  Cheryl: Engage in conversation.
• 10:52
  Cheryl: And I could express my opinion more freely.
• 10:56
  Cheryl: Without all the pushback.
• 10:57
  Cheryl: Right, that's a good point.
• 10:58
  Cheryl: That's one of the things I enjoyed is there was sort of a freedom of openness in the relationship but also, um, I could kind of be myself.
• 11:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:10
  Cheryl: And not.
• 11:11
  Cheryl: Kind of walk on more eggshells, which I felt I had to do in the next few seasons.
• 11:16
  Cheryl: Did y'all Oh yeah.
• 11:17
  Cheryl: Do you agree with
• 11:17
  Ellen: that?
• 11:17
  Ellen: I think that's the fun of parenting this age group, cuz everybody's more relaxed.
• 11:21
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 11:21
  Ellen: Yeah, I think so.
• 11:22
  Ellen: Because when the teen years start coming, you're more like, oh, I gotta say this just right.
• 11:26
  Ellen: Or.
• 11:28
  Ellen: That individual's gonna be really upset, or I could say it right.
• 11:31
  Ellen: And they're gonna be upset.
• 11:32
  Ellen: So you're always kind of second guessing, where's this age?
• 11:35
  Ellen: You can just kind of come alongside them and just enjoy whatever you're
• 11:38
  Cheryl: doing.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:39
  Cheryl: Well, you know, and if we talk about what our recommendations would be for this age to the parent, just what you're talking about.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: The old expression of me hay while the sun shines.
• 11:49
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:50
  Cheryl: Is these are the teaching years.
• 11:51
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 11:52
  Cheryl: you train them when they're little, you know, potty training and, and listening to your voice.
• 11:57
  Cheryl: And there's a lot of little training, but this is the opportunity of what you're talking about, to build into them to lay the foundation mm-hmm.
• 12:06
  Cheryl: For the future, because you can't come back and say, in general in the teen years Remember I told you, if you leave dairy out overnight, it's gonna go bad.
• 12:17
  Cheryl: If you say that
• 12:17
  Christie: to a 17 year old over, oh yeah.
• 12:19
  Christie: It's horribly insulting.
• 12:21
  Christie: Yes.
• 12:21
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:21
  Cheryl: You have the opportunity, there's a lot more freedom in these teaching years.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:26
  Cheryl: And I would say, not lectures, but lots of teaching about how we do things or, um, just poured in so they have that, um, into their, Memory system, right.
• 12:40
  Cheryl: In their
• 12:40
  Ellen: library system,
• 12:41
  Christie: right.
• 12:42
  Christie: Of life people.
• 12:42
  Christie: Well, and at this age, they still really do value what you value.
• 12:46
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 12:46
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 12:47
  Christie: And I think letting them in on your thought processes is really good at this age.
• 12:52
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:52
  Cheryl: Oh, that's so good.
• 12:53
  Christie: You know, vocalizing, yeah.
• 12:55
  Christie: Your decision making skills vocalizing you, weighing pros and cons or explaining why you're doing things certain ways.
• 13:03
  Christie: You're modeling Helps them to start following your example in how to live life.
• 13:08
  Christie: Oh,
• 13:09
  Cheryl: really?
• 13:09
  Cheryl: Like that.
• 13:10
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 13:10
  Cheryl: It really is.
• 13:11
  Ellen: and you can offer explanations Yes.
• 13:14
  Ellen: Without it being a fight or mm-hmm.
• 13:17
  Ellen: They're upset with you because you must think I'm done and that's why you told me this.
• 13:21
  Ellen: Yes.
• 13:21
  Ellen: Or
• 13:22
  Cheryl: it's not appropriate.
• 13:23
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:23
  Cheryl: True.
• 13:24
  Cheryl: Because when they're getting older, it's not appropriate for me to.
• 13:29
  Cheryl: Connect the dots, I guess.
• 13:30
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 13:30
  Cheryl: Connect the dots.
• 13:31
  Cheryl: Maybe that's what this season is.
• 13:33
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:34
  Cheryl: Is that it's connecting the dots between their childhood Right.
• 13:38
  Cheryl: And the real releasing years.
• 13:40
  Cheryl: Yes And I like what you said, processing out loud.
• 13:43
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:44
  Cheryl: Well, I know I said we were gonna go do some and such, but as I evaluate when I look at our time and that grandma actually needs us to do this, Yeah.
• 13:53
  Cheryl: and then I brought my kids so much into the conversation, right?
• 13:57
  Cheryl: So what do y'all think?
• 13:58
  Cheryl: Do you think we should cancel that or do you think we should try and squeeze it all in in one day?
• 14:03
  Cheryl: And so more than any other season mm-hmm.
• 14:06
  Cheryl: We had conversations about why you do things or mm-hmm.
• 14:11
  Cheryl: just, how can we do this better?
• 14:13
  Cheryl: mom?
• 14:13
  Cheryl: I think it'd be better if we Tata, Tata, um, even we're packing to go camping.
• 14:19
  Cheryl: No, mom Wouldd be more efficient if we delegated this or mm-hmm.
• 14:24
  Cheryl: I.
• 14:24
  Cheryl: in general Didn't feel the pushback from him.
• 14:27
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:28
  Cheryl: And so it was just great processing
• 14:30
  Ellen: and that's the word.
• 14:31
  Ellen: It's pushback.
• 14:32
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 14:32
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 14:32
  Ellen: Because that's really what we're getting ready to have.
• 14:35
  Ellen: In another few years is pushback on sometimes really simple things.
• 14:40
  Ellen: So just the pleasure of being able to say, Hey, let's gather a bunch of stuff and go do this.
• 14:44
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 14:45
  Ellen: Yes.
• 14:45
  Ellen: It's simple.
• 14:46
  Ellen: And you know, I was thinking like you use the example of leaving like some milk out and it spoils overnight.
• 14:52
  Ellen: Well, now you have the opportunity to explain your kid why it's spoiled.
• 14:54
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 14:55
  Ellen: Yes.
• 14:55
  Ellen: And they're actually
• 14:55
  Christie: interested.
• 14:56
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:57
  Christie: Right.
• 14:57
  Christie: And then, and to do it without any kind of condemnation or not.
• 15:01
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 15:02
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 15:02
  Ellen: See, this way if we don't live the milk out, hun, because look at it.
• 15:05
  Ellen: It's all gross and disgusting and please don't it.
• 15:07
  Ellen: Smell it.
• 15:07
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:08
  Christie: Right, right.
• 15:08
  Ellen: And put your finger in it and it's all gross
• 15:11
  Cheryl: and.
• 15:12
  Cheryl: We're not trying to forecast terrible seasons that we're gonna go, through you know, hardships in the teen years, it's appropriate to have pushback.
• 15:22
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:22
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:23
  Cheryl: This is the releasing years, and so when we get to those years, They're pushing back, establishing their autonomy and their independence.
• 15:30
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 15:30
  Cheryl: Towards releasing, and we are allowing that.
• 15:34
  Cheryl: Right.
• 15:34
  Cheryl: Without connecting all the dots.
• 15:36
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 15:36
  Cheryl: So it's not something to be feared, it's appropriate.
• 15:40
  Cheryl: So really connect those dots
• 15:42
  Christie: now.
• 15:42
  Christie: Right.
• 15:42
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:42
  Christie: Well, and I think these years, In the middle are, for one, we're talking about a long stretch of time, so it, yes, it's going to be different in every home.
• 15:53
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 15:53
  Christie: For every child of what ages.
• 15:54
  Christie: These things really start falling into place.
• 15:57
  Christie: But I think these middle years Can be really good too, for teaching our kids what they can expect from us.
• 16:02
  Christie: I like that.
• 16:02
  Christie: And trust and building trust.
• 16:04
  Christie: That's it.
• 16:04
  Christie: That is really good.
• 16:05
  Christie: That's it.
• 16:05
  Christie: Because creating an atmosphere where I heard one person say creating an atmosphere where there can be confession without shame.
• 16:13
  Cheryl: Oh, that's so good.
• 16:14
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 16:15
  Christie: And I think teaching our kids that at this stage is.
• 16:19
  Christie: Really good to prepare them for those teen years.
• 16:21
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 16:21
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:21
  Christie: Because there's gonna be a lot of things to confess.
• 16:23
  Christie: There are, I mean, in these years there are too.
• 16:25
  Christie: But a lot of things that you need them to know.
• 16:28
  Christie: I can come to mom or dad mm-hmm.
• 16:30
  Christie: And talk to them about this issue I had or this mistake I made, or failure that I've, you know, come into.
• 16:38
  Christie: And so that they know they're coming back to a place of love and grace and.
• 16:44
  Christie: Uh, valid discipline when needed.
• 16:47
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 16:47
  Cheryl: That's important.
• 16:48
  Cheryl: That's true.
• 16:48
  Cheryl: Also what you were just talking about, Christie, what are we characterized By right?
• 16:53
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:53
  Cheryl: Have we built.
• 16:55
  Cheryl: A reputation that I'm a safe place.
• 16:58
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 16:58
  Cheryl: Even if I have to do some difficult parenting, it's a safe place.
• 17:02
  Cheryl: But they feel like they could come to us because we had.
• 17:07
  Cheryl: Worked on building that trust,
• 17:09
  Christie: right And we're not talking about permissive parenting.
• 17:11
  Christie: Right?
• 17:11
  Christie: Absolutely.
• 17:12
  Christie: We're talking about them knowing that we have their best interest at heart.
• 17:16
  Christie: Yes.
• 17:16
  Christie: And that they're gonna get a fair and loving response.
• 17:19
  Cheryl: Yes, absolutely.
• 17:20
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:21
  Cheryl: You know, one of the things that you talked about, That's so important.
• 17:25
  Cheryl: What we are saying here is how important it is to have a lifestyle of responding, not reacting.
• 17:31
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 17:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:32
  Cheryl: Because that's what builds into, if we are reacting when things are a little simpler.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: What are they thinking it's gonna be like when it's.
• 17:43
  Cheryl: A few years down the road, and it is more complicated, right?
• 17:46
  Cheryl: So if I were gonna make recommendations, I would say, this is the time you really want to highlight your responsiveness rather than your reactivity.
• 17:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 17:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 17:57
  Ellen: Because the teen years bring a lot of reaction.
• 17:59
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 18:00
  Ellen: And you have to train yourself.
• 18:02
  Ellen: As well as your reactionary teenagers down the road.
• 18:05
  Ellen: But I think maybe a lot of it's just training ourselves.
• 18:08
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 18:08
  Ellen: How am I going to respond to this?
• 18:09
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 18:10
  Ellen: Right.
• 18:10
  Cheryl: This is an investment these years, I think to see them as such a great investment.
• 18:16
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:16
  Cheryl: In all ways for the rest of life, but particularly the next challenging seasons, right.
• 18:22
  Cheryl: That we're investing.
• 18:24
  Cheryl: What you're saying, how they feel safe with us mm-hmm.
• 18:26
  Cheryl: That they trust us.
• 18:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:27
  Cheryl: But investing in other ways, like all the different things we're saying.
• 18:32
  Cheryl: Um, one of them invest in the practical skills.
• 18:35
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 18:35
  Cheryl: Right?
• 18:35
  Cheryl: So that.
• 18:37
  Cheryl: They might not keep their room clean at 15, but I've done the work right during this season.
• 18:44
  Cheryl: They know how to clean the room.
• 18:45
  Cheryl: They know what you want.
• 18:46
  Cheryl: By the time our kids got 12, each one could clean the entire house.
• 18:51
  Cheryl: Um, they knew how to shop, they knew how to figure out bargains.
• 18:54
  Cheryl: They knew how to cook.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: we invested so much in the practical area.
• 18:59
  Cheryl: In this season.
• 19:00
  Christie: Right.
• 19:01
  Christie: And really that's our only job is the investment and teaching and the training.
• 19:06
  Christie: That's good.
• 19:06
  Christie: And by the time they leave our home, I mean, I think we could all make lists of things that we know we taught our children.
• 19:13
  Christie: Yes.
• 19:14
  Christie: And they may not be living out fully, but you know, you did your part in teaching them.
• 19:18
  Ellen: Yeah
• 19:19
  Christie: Yeah.
• 19:19
  Christie: And
• 19:19
  Ellen: this is the time too, to help build their confidence.
• 19:23
  Ellen: Oh, that's good.
• 19:24
  Ellen: Tell us some more because, well, I was thinking of some of the things that I did.
• 19:27
  Ellen: Um, When they were that age, while I still had, and I say this in quotes, you know, little control over things, I would have them like, go to the checkout line.
• 19:37
  Ellen: Mm mm-hmm.
• 19:38
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 19:38
  Ellen: Buy themselves.
• 19:39
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 19:40
  Ellen: And check out a couple of items.
• 19:41
  Ellen: Obviously I gave them money and so they got that experience cuz that seems really scary.
• 19:45
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 19:46
  Ellen: When you do it the first couple of times.
• 19:48
  Ellen: Or um, asking the librarian for help.
• 19:52
  Ellen: You know, rather than me going to the librarian.
• 19:55
  Ellen: So kind of handing over some of things.
• 19:57
  Ellen: Simple things like ordering a meal.
• 20:00
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:00
  Ellen: You know, letting them do that.
• 20:02
  Ellen: And if you have a child that's nervous about things, give them experiences that they can be successful
• 20:10
  Cheryl: in.
• 20:10
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:11
  Cheryl: I really like that.
• 20:12
  Cheryl: I do too to intentionally.
• 20:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:16
  Cheryl: Push them a little out of the nest.
• 20:17
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:18
  Cheryl: And some
• 20:18
  Christie: will be more nervous to do those things than others,
• 20:21
  Cheryl: you know?
• 20:21
  Cheryl: And saying, I know that you could only ride your bike between our house and the next door neighbors.
• 20:27
  Cheryl: And now if you want, you can go down and you start.
• 20:31
  Cheryl: Expanding their boundaries.
• 20:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 20:33
  Cheryl: Right in their life.
• 20:34
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:34
  Cheryl: In a lot of different areas.
• 20:36
  Cheryl: Not just physically, but what you were talking about.
• 20:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:39
  Christie: yeah.
• 20:40
  Cheryl: Helping them and then talking them through it.
• 20:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 20:43
  Cheryl: Right.
• 20:43
  Cheryl: So what do you think you should do?
• 20:44
  Cheryl: That's a problem that's going on in your school classroom, and let's sit and talk all the way through it, helping equip them rather than, Jumping in and solving
• 20:54
  Christie: it for him.
• 20:55
  Christie: Well, and I know at our house we had some that I really needed to help along in that process.
• 21:00
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 21:01
  Christie: And then there were others who I had to say, I love seeing your ambition in this area, and when it's appropriate, I will give you this freedom.
• 21:11
  Christie: And so I think you're kind of regulating that.
• 21:13
  Christie: You sure?
• 21:14
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:14
  Christie: Depending on your child and their capabilities and their maturity yeah.
• 21:18
  Cheryl: One area that we haven't touched on that I don't think we had as much, uh, challenge with is the area of digital exposure.
• 21:28
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah.
• 21:28
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:29
  Cheryl: Because of phones, everything, the age we live in.
• 21:32
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:32
  Cheryl: This is a different season for our listening audience right now.
• 21:37
  Cheryl: How would y'all speak into that?
• 21:38
  Christie: Well, it sure is.
• 21:39
  Christie: I mean, my youngest is almost 17, so she kind of came in at the tail end mm-hmm.
• 21:45
  Christie: Of all of this.
• 21:45
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 21:46
  Christie: And I think, um, Gosh, it's gonna be like we said, so incremental in these years mm-hmm.
• 21:53
  Christie: Where you start gauging their ability to handle different exposures and, um, time limits and Yeah.
• 22:01
  Christie: What they're allowed to do and, and what your family's gonna choose to do for each child is, is gonna be really specific to what their needs are and what their maturity level is.
• 22:11
  Ellen: Because I remember.
• 22:13
  Ellen: When my children were younger, we had to regulate television.
• 22:16
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 22:16
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 22:16
  Ellen: You know, that was the only thing we had, and we eventually got a computer, but it didn't open the world up like it does now.
• 22:22
  Ellen: Right?
• 22:23
  Ellen: Yes.
• 22:23
  Ellen: So we did that.
• 22:24
  Ellen: You know, this is a privilege, these are the hours you can watch tv
• 22:28
  Cheryl: you can make these limited choices, correct?
• 22:30
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 22:31
  Ellen: I think that there is, I know a lot of parents, in this age group when their kids come home from school or activities, they have to turn their phone in.
• 22:39
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 22:40
  Ellen: They take their phones at night.
• 22:41
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 22:42
  Ellen: Because in this age group, there's no emergency that a kid needs to know about.
• 22:46
  Ellen: Right.
• 22:47
  Ellen: You're still overall, In charge of their world that way.
• 22:50
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 22:51
  Ellen: And that's a good discipline because it's like we do have limits.
• 22:54
  Ellen: Mom turns her phone off, dad turns his off, we put them away when we're eating, phones are turned off.
• 23:00
  Ellen: Whatever you want to value as a family rule.
• 23:04
  Ellen: Right.
• 23:04
  Ellen: Teaching the kids that, you know, nothing happens usually if you turn your phone off.
• 23:09
  Ellen: Right.
• 23:09
  Christie: And this season I think is really good for.
• 23:13
  Christie: The U-turns we've talked about.
• 23:15
  Christie: Yes.
• 23:15
  Christie: Because you know, later on you don't have the freedom for U-turns quite as much.
• 23:19
  Christie: Right.
• 23:20
  Christie: I know my girls had certain shows they would like to watch and it may be games that, you know, for, for boys or I, I don't know.
• 23:27
  Christie: There might be other things Yeah.
• 23:28
  Christie: That affect your kids' behavior.
• 23:30
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 23:30
  Christie: That we would say.
• 23:32
  Christie: Okay.
• 23:32
  Christie: We're seeing a connection.
• 23:34
  Christie: Yes.
• 23:34
  Christie: Here.
• 23:34
  Christie: We're gonna have to say no to that for right now.
• 23:36
  Christie: Yes.
• 23:37
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 23:37
  Ellen: Well, you know, when we first got phones, my youngest daughter, cuz there's a 12 year age gap between all five of my kids, but my youngest daughter had a phone and she was probably.
• 23:47
  Ellen: 13, 14.
• 23:49
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 23:49
  Ellen: Well, every morning she was tired.
• 23:51
  Ellen: Every afternoon she was tired.
• 23:52
  Ellen: I kept saying to her, what's the matter with you?
• 23:54
  Ellen: You're so tired.
• 23:54
  Ellen: Not getting enough sleep.
• 23:56
  Ellen: No, I'm fine.
• 23:57
  Ellen: One night I saw this glow underneath her door and of course I didn't know, but she was on the phone.
• 24:05
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 24:05
  Ellen: You know, texting, texting, yes.
• 24:07
  Ellen: Cause that was still new.
• 24:08
  Ellen: And that's when you had to pay for each text.
• 24:12
  Ellen: Then I.
• 24:12
  Ellen: Soon found out, but I naively had no idea.
• 24:15
  Ellen: Right.
• 24:16
  Cheryl: I didn't think so.
• 24:17
  Cheryl: Ellen, both of you, what I think you've brought up, if I were to make recommendation, I would say be informed.
• 24:23
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 24:23
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:23
  Cheryl: And be intentional.
• 24:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:25
  Cheryl: And I know it's hard.
• 24:27
  Cheryl: All the other, yeah.
• 24:29
  Cheryl: Elementary children have their iPhones or have phones.
• 24:32
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:33
  Cheryl: And I would say resist the pressure, but that's where you as the parents say, this is our value, this is what we're gonna do, and then you incrementally mm-hmm.
• 24:45
  Cheryl: Introduce more freedom to stick with those eyes.
• 24:48
  Cheryl: intentional.
• 24:49
  Cheryl: and informed.
• 24:50
  Cheryl: I think those are really good ones.
• 24:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:52
  Cheryl: To help guide this instead of being swept away.
• 24:56
  Cheryl: Yeah Right.
• 24:56
  Cheryl: And it's very
• 24:57
  Ellen: complicated stroke.
• 24:58
  Ellen: It's very complicated.
• 24:59
  Ellen: Like in a lot of schools, the teachers are not allowed to take their phones away from the kids.
• 25:04
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 25:04
  Ellen: So they're always distracted Right.
• 25:07
  Ellen: I've known kids to be watching movies.
• 25:09
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 25:09
  Ellen: And,
• 25:10
  Cheryl: and we're talking about elementary aid, right?
• 25:11
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 25:12
  Cheryl: And now a lot of the schools have Chromebooks.
• 25:15
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:15
  Cheryl: And so it's complicated.
• 25:18
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 25:18
  Cheryl: This is not, simpler.
• 25:20
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 25:20
  Cheryl: And we did it.
• 25:21
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 25:21
  Cheryl: So, you parents that are in this season, be intentional, be informed.
• 25:27
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 25:27
  Cheryl: And then go back to what you decide, right.
• 25:30
  Cheryl: That you want for your family.
• 25:32
  Cheryl: Right.
• 25:32
  Cheryl: And think it
• 25:33
  Ellen: through.
• 25:33
  Ellen: Okay.
• 25:34
  Ellen: Here's this scenario.
• 25:35
  Ellen: And this is going to be the consequences if they violate the guideline here.
• 25:41
  Ellen: Right.
• 25:41
  Ellen: And then it's not just standing there with like a deer in the headlights cuz you didn't know.
• 25:47
  Ellen: No, and
• 25:47
  Christie: I think, you know, we said it's specific, an individual, but I think a good thing too.
• 25:51
  Christie: Talk to your kids', peers, parents.
• 25:54
  Christie: Oh.
• 25:54
  Christie: And, and try to have some conversations because it's hard to swim upstream as a mom or a dad.
• 26:01
  Christie: And you know, you say be informed.
• 26:03
  Christie: The science is plentiful on mental health.
• 26:06
  Christie: Right.
• 26:06
  Christie: And you really mainstream sources.
• 26:08
  Christie: So I think if you can get friends with your kids', peers, parents, and, and have some unified forces working with you, it can really help you not be alone in making this decision.
• 26:21
  Christie: Yeah, that's a
• 26:21
  Cheryl: really good point.
• 26:22
  Cheryl: That's really good.
• 26:23
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 26:23
  Cheryl: But with this, the intentionality of it, this is part of the road trip mm-hmm.
• 26:28
  Cheryl: Is mm-hmm.
• 26:28
  Cheryl: The digital exposure.
• 26:30
  Cheryl: Right.
• 26:30
  Cheryl: Of this age group.
• 26:32
  Cheryl: And then, but make your decisions just like when you're on a road trip, we're gonna stop in this town.
• 26:39
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 26:39
  Cheryl: Right.
• 26:39
  Cheryl: To eat or we're gonna stop and get gas and the same thing.
• 26:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:43
  Cheryl: Um.
• 26:44
  Cheryl: We put all devices up, we have the control mm-hmm.
• 26:48
  Cheryl: To help this be.
• 26:50
  Cheryl: Not a negative during this season.
• 26:51
  Cheryl: Well, it's, it's not a healthy thing.
• 26:52
  Cheryl: Punishment.
• 26:53
  Cheryl: It's
• 26:53
  Ellen: a training period.
• 26:55
  Ellen: Very good.
• 26:55
  Ellen: And so you're training your children that it's polite to shut your phone off at dinner.
• 27:00
  Ellen: And we all sit around and talk and enjoy each other's company.
• 27:03
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 27:03
  Ellen: And phones go off at a certain time, just like other things do.
• 27:06
  Ellen: I mean, that's just life's disciplines.
• 27:09
  Cheryl: Well, and I would like to empower parents listening.
• 27:11
  Cheryl: Swim upstream.
• 27:13
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 27:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:13
  Cheryl: When you feel this is appropriate for your family and this child swim upstream because you care about them, right.
• 27:21
  Cheryl: And other people's thoughts or evaluations of you, that's come and go
• 27:25
  Ellen: mm-hmm.
• 27:26
  Ellen: True.
• 27:26
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:27
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 27:28
  Cheryl: Well, this is a fun age period.
• 27:30
  Cheryl: It's a fun part of the trip.
• 27:32
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 27:32
  Cheryl: But not, without its challenges.
• 27:34
  Cheryl: Right.
• 27:34
  Cheryl: Is there anything else you'd wanna say as.
• 27:37
  Cheryl: We move across the fly of our states, if you will, in our journey here on our road trip.
• 27:42
  Cheryl: I think I'd
• 27:43
  Christie: just reiterate That this is your season to build that trust.
• 27:46
  Christie: Yeah, and just affirm them.
• 27:48
  Christie: That's good.
• 27:48
  Christie: Celebrate with them, cheer them on so that you have a good foundation moving into that next season that we're gonna talk about soon.
• 27:56
  Christie: Very good.
• 27:56
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 27:57
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 27:57
  Cheryl: Thanks a lot.
• 27:58
  Cheryl: You all appreciate it.
• 28:00
  Cheryl: Parents remember, hang in there.
• 28:03
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 28:13
  Cheryl: As we were reflecting back over this, I really did enjoy this particular portion of the road trip, but as we mentioned, it's certainly a time we don't want to just coast, but invest as we head more towards the releasing years.
• 28:30
  Cheryl: Chrissy talked about wanting to be characterized as being a responsive parent rather than a reactive one.
• 28:37
  Cheryl: Honestly, that was the skill I had to work very hard trying to develop.
• 28:43
  Cheryl: Does it come more easily for you?
• 28:45
  Cheryl: We'd love to hear from you.
• 28:47
  Cheryl: Contact us through social media, our website.
• 28:51
  Cheryl: Or text us contact@theparentingpodcast.com.
• 28:57
  Cheryl: Next time we're gonna do some more q and a, so don't forget to join us on the Parenting podcast.