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Therapy Sesh with Chloe Veitch · Untraditionally Lala

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, gorgeous. It is Lala Kent. I am beyond smitten
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: right now with my next guest. She is our Internet
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: it girl, reality TV star, and host of the brand
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: new radio show on the Unwell Network, Big Sister with
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Chloe Beach. Please welcome Chloe Beach. Hello, gorgeous, Hello, oh divine,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: you are like so beyond stunning.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: Oh thank you?
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Like I looked at I cyberstalked you and I thought
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: you like, oh my, and I hate when people say
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: this to me, so it's not now I'm saying it.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Even how stunning you are on your Instagram, you're even
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: more breathtaking in person, if that is possible.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: I love you, Thank you.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: You can stay here all day to now what.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: I used to take that as like a backhanded compliment
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: because I would then think, oh no, my Instagram isn't
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: good and I don't know, right am I not photogenic?
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: But now I'm like, no, that is because I feel
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: out when you see someone in person, they have an
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: aura and an energy, right, which then takes it from
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: Instagram and it's like lifelike.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I think so too. And I think I
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: watched a video of yours where you got glammed up,
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: you got really close to the camera, you showed your
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: your wrinkles, your smile lines, and there was something about
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: that that I just loved so much. And I love
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: it not only for me. I'll be thirty five this year,
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: and even at this age, I still get onto, you know,
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: social media and go, I want to get my nose done, yeah,
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: to look like this girl's. I want to take these
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: lips in to show my plastic surgeon to give me
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: these lips.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: So I love it for me, but I love that
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: you did that. As someone who is a mom to
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: two girls, it's very scary raising kids in this new
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: world of social media and what they're going to be
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: exposed to and see, and they may not feel good
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: enough at moments. So I want to say thank you
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: for doing that, but also on the heels of what
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: we were just saying when you did that, when you
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: see someone in person, there's something about the humanness that
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: I think makes someone very beautiful the aura.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: And you humanize them. First of all, thank you. I
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: love you for that because I always I try not
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: to be like perfect and pristine on Instagram, and it's
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: sober hard because even like you sometimes I look at
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: people's instagrams, I'm like, I want a BBL.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: You just want to go so bad I can't even
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: stand it.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: I don't want to have to go to the gym
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: and like actually work for a bum, Like I want
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: to just just you know, fly to Turkey get it
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: bought right. But no, that's not the worst. My insecurity
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: is speaking to me so like I have to kind
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: of block it out, and I'm like, no, I'm perfect
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: the way I am, perfect way I am. I just
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: need to go to the gym.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: That's it.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: Build the booty. I can change. I want to change.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: But by the way, I'm the same with you as
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: like the BBL. And then like when I Pamela Anderson started,
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: you know, the revival of her and all of the
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: photos that started coming.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: Out of going on Red Carpets, flawless, flawless. Yeah right, yeah,
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: I actually just spoke about this on my radio show
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: and me literally saying that I think I'm going to
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: go into a Pamela Anderson because it's like it's exposure
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: to judgment and shame and fear of like not being
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: liked by other people, right, just like being authentically yourself.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: And then you kind of lean into Oh no, this
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: is me and it's not actually that scary people see
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: me without makeup.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Do you think that people feel that way even who
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: are not in the public eye. Yeah, more so than
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: people that are in the public eye.
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: Do you think I feel like I can only speak
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: on my experience, and my experience is because I've been
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: exposed to so many eyes on me, and like people
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: have given me insecurities I didn't even know, like knew
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: I had so like, I don't know, I'm trying to
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: give you an example. My face is really long, and
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: I never really noticed that when I was a child.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: It's you know, it's just a vice, guess where you
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: can swear, you can say whatever you want. It's just
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: a fucking vice, right, you know what? Now I'm like,
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: oh no, does my face look really long in pictures?
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Like what? Isn't it crazy?
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: What even a thing? I know?
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: And I felt that like I came into reality television,
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: I want to say, I think I had just turned
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: twenty four. I was very impressionable. I had very little confidence,
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: but I knew I wanted to be an entertainment and
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: at that time, I was like broken out and it
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: was like I either suck it up yeap and fake
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: my confidence until I actually have it, or I got
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: to go back to Utah and like go to college,
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: which I'm not good at school, get a normal job
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: like that just does not sound like something I would
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: be good at. And I literally got confidence. People would say, like,
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: how do I get your confidence? This was season four,
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: twenty four years old. I'm like, I don't. I don't
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: even have it.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: No, what is it? What is self validation? What is
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: self love? Like? What does it mean and look like
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: and feel like? To love yourself? And you learn that
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: by faking it.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: You fake it until you make it, exposing yourself to
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: feelings and judgment and then.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: Just it's like exposure therapy. My therapist says to me
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: all the time, Okay, I'm going to put you in
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: an emotion. You're going to feel it, and you're going
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: to recognize that you're not going to die. So I
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: feel the emotion and I'm like, oh my god, I
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: feel like I'm going to die, but I don't die, Okay, perfect.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: So the next time I feel that emotion, I'm going
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: to feel like I'm going to die, and it's going
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: to expose me to that overwhelming feeling where of like
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: I'm not good enough. Pamela Anderson prime example, she is
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: good enough.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: And by the way, she's never looked better because it's
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: about like what's happening internally is coming out the.
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: Aurba the aura. Yeah, humanizing her. M h. I love it.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: I like the the exposure therapy that your therapist. I
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: for the first time, I want to say, in the
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: past week two weeks, have had to acknowledge when I
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: get jealous, we need.
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: To talk about this, because time we need to talk
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: about this.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: Okay, saying it makes me like I can feel the
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: elephant on my.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: Chests, on yourself. You're putting yourself under the bus.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: I'm putting myself under the bus. And the only reason
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: I acknowledged this was, have you done a human design?
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: Your human design?
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: Who I want to marry? Is Is that what I mean? No?
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: But I love that, I wish that. I love that
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: I manifest that a human design as you put your
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: time of birth and where you were born. Oh yeah,
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: and it's it's not like your star sign. It's a
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: breakdown a blueprint of who you are. And my downfall
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: is bitterness. And then I clicked on it. I was like,
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: I don't love this word. I click on it and
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: it said you can take other people's success as a
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: personal attack and get jealous. And when you allow yourself
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: to feed into that and not acknowledge it, it blankets
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: who you are to your core, which is not that person,
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: and it dims your light. And I was like, I'm
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: going to throw up. I'm going to throw up.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: Someone post me at please.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: So that I've had to literally in moments where I
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: see things and I'm like, I can't see it, I
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: can't hear about it. It's like you're feeling envious, you're
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: feeling jealous. You're taking their success or whatever it may be,
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: their face, their brand new lips that you'll never have.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they're bum They're bum that I will have in
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: the year.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: Once I consistently go to the camp, I can consistently
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: do it, acknowledge that, and be okay with it. You
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: won't die.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Wow, Yeah, I'm so proud of you by the way,
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: I feel like you're my there. No, but that's hard.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: That's really hard because looking at yourself in the mirror
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: and recognizing that beyond surface level, we all have toxic
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: traits like We sometimes are the problem. Yeah, just like
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: that meme, Am I the problem?
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: Sometimes we are the problem. So touched on what you've
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: just said, my boyfriend currently my current boyfriend. That sounds
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: really bad.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: I know it.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: My boyfriend that I love very much. We are currently
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: going through something where he's constantly around beautiful women. Okay,
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: he manages talent, he's got like the Love Islanders on
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: his Rosstar and like people that he manages on a
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: day to day and he spends extensive amounts of time
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: with them, and I barely get to see him during
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: the day because he's working, like sixteen seventeen hours. My
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: ex cheated on me left me in Thailand. We were
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: looking at engagement rings two days before he slept with
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: multiple women. So from that previous wound, I'm currently bleeding
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: on my current I keep on saying current partner or
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: my partner currently, and I've had to kind of bite
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: my tongue a few times because I'm like, I feel
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: really upset and really angry. I don't know how to
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: express it, but I basically want to tell him to
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: just not ever be around women. But that's not healthy.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to do that doesn't mean, I'm a
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: bad person for having those thoughts and feelings. I just
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: need to work out where it comes from, right and
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: how to expose myself to that feeling and know that
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to die and lean into that trust.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: Well, that's what a trigger is. A trigger when people
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: are feeling triggered by something, is because it's bringing you
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: back to a moment that you were your most vulnerable,
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: you're most hurt, and even though that's not the situation
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: with your boyfriend, now, you cannot help the trauma that
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: your ex created. Yeah, is that something you work through
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: with your therapist?
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it is. It's something that I'm almost like too
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: fixated on and hyper aware about now. Okay, because my
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: ex I didn't really see any red red flags. I
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: was blinded. Now I'm like, oh shit, I'm exposed to
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: red flags that I didn't even know were red flags.
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: And now I'm like hyper fixating on is my boyfriend
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: gaslight in me? Right now? I need to ask CHATGBT
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: if this is a red flag, because I don't want
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: to ignore it just in case I get hurt again
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: like I did in my last relationship.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: Do you feel in your last relationship you ignored your gut,
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: so now you don't trust yourself.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, massively.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: That's completely relatable. I think any woman who has been
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: in a serious relationship that ended could say there were
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: many times that they ignored their gut. Is this the
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: relationship where you had random strangers on the street trying
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: to get you out of this relationship?
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: Do you feel comfortable talking about Yeah?
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: How long were you guys, Like, how did it start
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: and what was it like when it ended.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: I've known him for fifteen years. He was one of
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: my brother's friends. It was surface level. He was always
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: in a relationship, and he was a little bit older
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: than me, so it wasn't really like we were going
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: to ever get together. And I met him again fresh
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: out of a breakup. I was in America for a
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: few months, come home see him, went to a barbecue together,
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: and we kind of just jumped straight into it. We
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: were going on dates every day. We were spending like
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: hours and hours and hours together. He was staying at
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: my family home, and then within four months of us
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: being together, I moved us into a home because we
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: were like, let's just do it, like, I love you,
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: this is great. I've known you forever. I know who
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: you are, and that honestly, you don't know who someone
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: is just because you've known them for fifteen years. I
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: didn't know what he was like in a relationship. I
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: didn't know need of how he was going to be
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: as a boyfriend.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well once you add intimacy, different.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: Completely different, Yeah, completely different. So it was great. There
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: was a few things that I was like, okay, I
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: mean I can communicate with him about this, Like he
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: was very quick to anger. He would internalize a lot
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: of his emotions and then he would like have an outburst.
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: And these outbursts would happen not very much in the
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: beginning because it was all like rainbows and sunshine. And
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: then he started to feel the guilt. I know for
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: a fact, because I was paying for everything, the rent,
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: the food, his clothes, on his back. I took him
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: away on his thirtieth birthday to Thailand, Australia. Like, but
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: I loved that. I was like, okay, like I can
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: be in my masculine sometimes. I love you. We can
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: make this work as long as you're working towards like
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: having a stable career, which he said that he was
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: wanting to do. And it just it kind of he
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: was just leaching off of me, and he was just
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: comfortable with me. And I think it reached a point
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: where other people started to notice that he was just
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: with me because it was comfortable, and he wasn't able
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: to give me that love because he didn't have that
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: self love himself, Like he hated who he was as
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: a person. And I was constantly trying to see tell
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: him like, oh, no, you're actually a really good person.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: Just love yourself. You can't teach someone how to love themselves,
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: you know. And because of my life in the industry,
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: at first, I thought, I've been on TV a bunch,
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: he knows me from before TV. This is going to
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: be great. Like he's not going to be with me
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: for the money or the fame, because like I knew
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: him way before then, right, So when we got into
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: the relationship, he started to see a different side of me.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: He was coming to podcasts. I flew him out to
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: America where I filmed my show that I hosted with Netflix.
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: He met the production he was in the green room,
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: like he was living a life that was like lavish, right,
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: you know, And I thought, maybe that will make him
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: love me more because of these outbursts. They would get
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: more and more and more. It wasn't like jealousy. He
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: wouldn't try and control me. He just couldn't control himself. Oh,
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: he didn't have the narcissist tendencies to be like, you
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: can't do this, I'm gonna gaslight you, I'm gonna manipulate you.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: He didn't try to isolate you, no, Okay, if anything,
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: it was just he wanted to do whatever he wanted
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: to do in the relationship. But I would isolate myself
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: because of how shitty I felt being in the relationship.
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: If he smashed up the house, I wouldn't want my
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: family coming around because they'd ask questions, you know. So
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: he didn't force me to isolate myself, but he would
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: put me in situations where I had to and I
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: had no choice but to isolate myself. Right. But the
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: incident you just spoke about so towards the end, it
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: was very toxic. I should have left, But I don't
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: guilt myself anymore and think to myself, I caused my
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: own pain because I didn't leave. I felt like I
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: needed to stay in that relationship to run its full
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: course for me to fully come to the realization understanding
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: that this is something and someone I do not want,
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: I do not deserve this. I am completely in love
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: with myself and I need to love myself more than
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: him because I'm allowing him to treat me a certain way.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: He cheated on me multiple times, and every time I
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: would bring it up to him, it was like I
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: was the one apologizing.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: Oh he flipped it back, Yeah, to make you think
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: that you were the cause of his indiscretions.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: And that was a massive red flag. But I just
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: didn't see it.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: But you were also very very young. I mean you're
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: you're still young, but the early twenties, you're a baby, yeah,
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: and you think that love is something that it's just not.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: And when he would have these outbursts, was he like verbally.
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: Abusive, Oh yeah, physical, all of the above, all of it,
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: all of the above. That that incident that you just
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: brought up. We were with an agent, see that I
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: just signed with. It was an out inn. Every time
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: he would drink, he would get like aggressive towards other
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: people or to me, And I said to him, can
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: you please not drink? I need you to be sober.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: This is a work thing. I don't want you to
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: embarrass me. He came. He was four cans deep in
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: the bus uber ride on the way there. So I'm like, great, now,
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: I can't turn you background because you've already started drinking
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: and I'm going to be late. We're mixing a mingling
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: with everyone, and he was like off, floating about, and
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: my nervous system is telling me like, okay, he's going
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: to kick off. I just know it. So I'm already
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: feeling uneasy. Yeah, constantly scanning is he over there, is
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: he arguing with someone? Is he fighting someone? And then
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: he comes up to me like, why are you so anxious?
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: What's wrong with you? How do I tell someone I'm
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: just waiting for you to fuck up because I know
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: it's coming.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: Well, you can't, you can't. He's deeply You said what
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: a trigger like you saying that is what it's going
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: to pop shit off?
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: Exactly? So I would ignore it, pretend to be okay,
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: fake the confidence. No one else knew what I was
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: going through. I was internalizing all of it. And then
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: he couldn't get into a club because they told him
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: he was too drunk.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: What Yeah, and you can't get into a nake club
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: during the day during the day during the day, it
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: was a rooftop bar.
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, God, he grabbed me, he shoved me. He
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: was shouting at me like it was my fault. And
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: then the security guard actually said to him, I'm not
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: allowing you in. You're actually banned because of the way
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: that you've just spoke to your girlfriend. Wow. And because
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: someone else called him out on his own behavior towards me,
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: he ran off for forty five minutes.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: Oh your little pussy.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: So I'm calling him, where are you. He's shouting down
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: the phone at me like it's my fault. So now
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: I'm having to apologize for the way I've behaved to him.
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: For him to even come back what like the most
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: exaggerated version of an avoidant. And I'm an anxious attachment
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: So I'm like, this, just this balance isn't gonna work, babe.
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: So I'm like, I've just pushed myself into understanding attachment
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: styles and understanding my self worth and now I'll never
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: be with an avoidant. No. Yeah, that's I.
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: Think incredible that at the age of twenty six, you
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: know that.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: And I try and preach to everyone. I'm like, if
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: anyone is listening, please don't listen to them self help books.
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: Just read up on anxious attachments, secure attachments.
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I need to research that.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: I've been asking chatibt for years. You have a year
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: help me.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: Was that something that your therapist raised? Was she like
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: you need to look into this, oh, talk about it?
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: Or this was well before the therapy. This is before
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: the therapist. Yeah, I got into therapy because of him. Wow, okay,
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: silver lining.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm so grateful.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: So then you're looking at engagement rings and he left
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: you in Thailand?
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: M hmm, yeah, what the fuck?
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: I know I would never leave you in Thailand ever.
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: Thank you? Do you want to go to Thailand? We
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: should go to Thailand.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: How long after this breakup did you land on too
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: hard to handle?
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: Oh Jesus, I mean so too hot to handle was
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: when I was nineteen, So it was before. It was
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: before this guy. Too hot to handle was before this guy.
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: This guy was like last year, babe.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: I know.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: That is so recent, so recent?
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: Okay, can I ask you a question?
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: Ask it.
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: This is an almost thirty five year old asking a
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: twenty six year old. How do you know that you
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: have not healed enough to be in another relationship already?
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: I asked myself that a thousand times over.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: And that's no judgment, that's just a real question. Curious.
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: I was so scared to get into Anopp relationship because
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: I knew that I would put him in positions he
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: didn't need to be in. Okay, Like, why do you
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: want to look through my phone? Oh, because my ex
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: cheated on me? Bullshit, that's not that's not a good
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: enough excuse. Like, you need to heal yourself, work through
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: whatever trauma is EXS put you through. But when I
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: spoke to my therapist, she said to me, have three
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: months on your own, be with friends, be with family, cry, scream,
• 20:08
  Speaker 2: go through all of the grief stages, anger, upset, denial,
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: and then once you've reached the end of that three months,
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: sit down and write down why you love yourself and
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: then work through self love. And that's what I'm continuously
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: doing even to this day. So she said to me,
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: you can actually heal whilst you're in another relationship. But
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: only it's so controversial, controversial because I honestly can't even
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: believe that I'm in another relationship right now, Like I
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: thought I would be single for another two years because
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: of all the stuff my ex put you through. But
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: having a partner that's healthy, that communicates with me. I've
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: never seen my boyfriend angry like he deals with anger
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: in so many different ways. He doesn't need to check
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: a table or grab me or shout in my face.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: He doesn't trigger that in me. He is very much like, Okay,
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: well let's speak about it. Wow.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: Communication, And I'm like, oh my god, sounds so simple.
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: I always say. I'm like, every time you think about
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: anything going south, it always comes down to one of
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: the most simple words, communication, Yet it is so complex
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: for any of us to implement into any relationship.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: One hundred percent. Yeah. I think Also, one thing that
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: helped with anyone that may have just got out of
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: a toxic relationship was wanting to get into another, not
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: another toxic relationship, but another relationship, is understanding what gas
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: lighting is. Understanding what manipulation is in the different forms
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: it can come in your core values, your core beliefs,
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: moral compass. Like having a greater understanding of that is
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: so like. Okay, So if I'm in a conversation as
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: someone's trying to manipulate me, I get that feeling of them,
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: this doesn't feel right, And then I can talk to
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: my therapist about it. I feel like that's how I'm
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: able to heal whilst being in this new relationship.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: What's the age difference between you and your current your boyfriend?
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: Why? I don't know, because it's a trend on TikTok.
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: I'm like my current boyfriend, my boyfriend, he's that three.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: Okay, so he's in his thirties.
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: Got his shit together.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: We were talking about this earlier. There's just something about
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: when someone hits their thirties, specifically women, because you just
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: come into your own And I feel like the Kim
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: Kardashians and Gwen Stefani's and Jalo's of the world have
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: made even Pamela Anderson, they've made age something that we
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: should not be afraid of, like it used to be,
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: like I'm gonna be thirty. I've been watching Sex in
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: the City and they talk about even friends, they talk about,
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I'm going to be thirty, and it's
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: like this scary, like big number that no one wants
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: to hit. Yeah, and I don't feel like it's that
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: way anymore. Did you?
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: Was you nervous before you tenth thay? Like, what was
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: that like combedn't I I was not.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: I didn't even think about it, and I think about it,
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: and I'm such a thinker. I don't know why I
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: didn't think about it.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: I love that.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: I Also, I was pregnant and gave birth at thirty,
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: so I don't think I was fixated on the fact
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: that I was getting older. I was more fixated on
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: the fact that I was like growing a person inside
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: of me.
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, and.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: Then you have to push it out, and you got
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: to push it out, and you got to do the
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: whole thing and then you have to be responsible for
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: it for the rest of its life. And it's just
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: you're not focused on the fact you're turning third you know,
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: You're like.
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: Oh, I have to ray y'all need to just have
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: a vibee.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: No, don't do that.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: Shall just have a vibe.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: Even thirty though, was very young. Like I look back
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: and that relationship ended, and I'm like, Okay, if if
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: we were to redo this, I wouldn't redo it, because
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: my my four year old is magical. Yeah, but I'm
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: like women who think that we obviously have the biological
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: clock happening. Let's just say we live in a perfect world.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: And that's not a thing. Thirty is very young. I
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: would not advise anybody to have a child at thirty. Yeah,
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: I would say, wait a minute, because you become an
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: entirely new person, like get reacquainted with the person that
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: you will now be, and then bring the baby into
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: the mix. That's what I would say. Yeah, now that
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: you asked me for my advice.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: No, but I wanted your advice. I think that's something
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: that we all need to hear because the biological clock
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: is such a thing and I don't know what it is,
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: but like, if I'm just being vulnerable for a minute,
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: I've felt such a shift in my energy and my
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: emotional intelligence and my maturity in a way that's like
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: good for me. I'm like, okay, I can have like
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: an adult conversation, pay my taxes whatever, Da da da
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: da da. But then a part of me mourns that
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: version of me that had no cares, no responsibilities, like
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: going out with my friends, having a three day are
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: waking up at six pm, and now I can't do that,
• 25:04
  Speaker 2: and it's like, oh, I've changed so much. I think
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: that's why I have that fear, not necessarily because of
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: the number thirty but it's because it's that dread of
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: if I'm not where I'm supposed to be by that age,
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: does that mean I've failed? And I don't think that's true.
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: I just think that's the pressure I'm putting on my
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: own head that I feel like everyone does, whether that
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: age is thirty, forty fifty, twenty twenty five. I feel
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: like I've evolved so much, and like you have to
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: like being a mom, your podcasts evolved so much through
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: different stages, like you said, like rolling with the punches.
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: That's what I've and as a vir girl that does
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: not like I don't like the wind to blow away,
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: that I'm not planning. I don't like to not have control.
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: And once you well, once I had kids, it was like, oh,
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: I'm realizing how little control I have over everything in life.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: And I'm wondering if that if you've always been that way,
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: or if when you enter too hot to handle, because
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: then you're in the public eye and you can kind
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: of take that. There's two directions you can go. There's
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: people that enter reality TV or whatever it may be,
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: the public eye and they're either there for that moment
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: and then they go back to normal life or they
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: really take the opportunity by the balls and they catapult
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: it and parlay it into something different. Do you feel
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: like you were born that way of always striving for
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: more and wanting more, or once you got a taste
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: of the opportunities that too hot to Handle brought to you,
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: was say like, oh I want I'm here to take
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: over the entire house, like the door has been opened.
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: I was way too young, Domin Knive, so we even
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: have that thought, any of those thoughts. I think when
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: I got the show Taught to Hand or I was
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: nineteen years old, I was there for a laugh. I thought,
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: probably won't find love. I'm just here for a good time. Yeah.
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: And then the confidence I got from the fans' reactions
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: of me being on screens, being authentically myself and just
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: being weird, funny and full of ADHD, I was like, oh,
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: I am enough. And then like having people constantly message
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: me every day like you've helped me tell my boyfriend
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: that this is toxic and I've left my boyfriend and
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: I'm like, oh shit. My purpose is to speak and
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: be vulnerable about shit that's going on in my life
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: to help other people go through theirs. And I feel
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: like I'm the type of person to always want, Like
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: I'm always like, what's next, what's the next thing? I
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: want to do something else. But I also because I
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: have ADHD pour myself in so many different directions that
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: sometimes I just paralyze and I'm like, Oh, I don't
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: want to do anything, or I have so much to do,
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: I just don't want to start. Yeah, you know, and
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: then that feeds into my insecurities of not being enough
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: my self, limiting beliefs. Some of my friends in the
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: same industry that started on the same show as me
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: at driving Lamborghinis, they have millions in the bank, they
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: have multiple businesses. I'm not there. That means I've failed.
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: So it's like realizing an age of whatever age you're at,
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: that everyone is always going to be on a different path.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: You just got to be always driving to be the
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: best version of yourself and being happy with what you have.
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: Someone actually sent me a voice note the other day
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: because when the radio show launched with Unwell and Serious XM,
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: I didn't celebrate it. I was like, oh, it's a
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: small win. One of my friends went, you fucking joke it.
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: I feel like you and I are the same person
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: right now.
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: Sorry, everything you're saying is hitting very close literally. Okay,
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: So you didn't feel like you could celebrate it because
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: you felt like it was a small win because.
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: In our industry, it's a small win. It's like, oh,
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: she has a podcast, whereas to someone that kind of
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: goes to work, goes home wants to listen to that podcast,
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: it's like that's a big win for them. It's like,
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: I wish I could have my own bookcast. My friend
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: said to me, she said, you are in an industry
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: where you could have everything and still not be enough.
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: So you need to know that you are enough and
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: then everything else will fall into place, and then you'll
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: feel validated in that, you know.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, No, you're speaking so true to me and I
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: know many other people because I constantly am feeling when
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: I feel at peace or content, I go, we've gotten lazy.
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: Look at what this person's doing. Look you're what that
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: person is doing. This is a small win. Yeah, And
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: I will beat myself up until I have exhausted, Like
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: I will go to bed at night with a splitting
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: headache and I'm like I have kaoed myself. Yeah, to
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: the point of just like bruised, beaten, battered, and how
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: did we get here? And the other the other day
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: when I had a acknowledged you get bitter, you get jealous,
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: you take some people's success as a personal attack, has
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: nothing to do with you. I was sitting here thinking
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: about all of the things that I've wanted in the
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: past two years, and my biggest thing was I wanted
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: to bring another baby into the world. I don't know
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: if you know this. I had a really toxic relationship
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: that my daughter, Ocean, came out of she's four. Because
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: I was so just traumatized by that whole situation, I
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: ended up getting a sperm donor for my second baby
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: because I knew I wanted more kids.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: Oh my good love.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so she's ten months old. Oh congratulations, thanks.
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: Oh that's beautiful, thank you.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: So that was like a whole thing, right, I'm like, Okay,
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: I need to pick the donor, and you know, health wise,
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: we have to work well together, but also like I'm
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: bringing a member into the family and I just need
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: to make sure like, yeah, she's already going to have
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: a lot of people ask her questions. How do I
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: make her life less difficult?
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: And I just said I want to pour my heart
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: and soul into just being the best mom, and I
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: want to be available for every single moment. And then
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: I start having moments of jealousy, right, And I literally
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: had to sit down and like feel the ground and go,
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: why are we jealous? Talk myself through it. I was
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: literally having a conversation with myself that's that do it no,
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: totally asking myself questions aloud and answering them aloud like
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: a psychopath.
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: Uh huh.
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: And then I thought about all of the things that
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: I have wanted and craved and what makes me feel
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: peaceful and whole, and it always comes back to my
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: two kids. Right. I'll be able to build brands, I'll
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: be able to record a podcast. What I'll never be
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: able to do is get that moment back where I
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: was so fucked up on being jealous and in my
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: own head that I missed my daughter doing something amazing, right,
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: Because those moments are so fleeting, and it doesn't even
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: have to go back to kids. You having a beautiful,
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: romantic dinner with your boyfriend. You'll never get that moment back.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: You will never get the moment back of someone saying
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: to you, we're giving you your own show on the
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: Unwell Network. That's never going to happen age. So if
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: we don't celebrate the win in the moment, it's gone.
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's enough to.
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: Bring you to your knees too.
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: I'm on my knees. It brought me to my knees
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: right now. I'm like, okay, I'm present.
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: So did you ever end up celebrating or did your
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: friend saying that resonate?
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: It was kind of too late for me to celebrate
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: because it was already like eight pm on the night
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: that I launched. But I took a moment for gratitude.
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: I think that's okay to me. That would be a
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: celebratory moment of gratitude to just recognize what I've done.
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: And I think, like, even with you, like you've been
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: through so much to be where you are today, sometimes
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: we don't even need a win, look back and reflect,
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: Oh fuck, yeah, have birth to babies, babe. Yeah, Like
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: you look gorgeous, thank you look a day over twenty five.
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: I love that A style of Madonna style icon. I
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: fucking love like, Honestly, sometimes we are more than enough.
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: I feel like women battle this more than men. I
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: just don't see men sitting here being like I'm not enough.
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I it's funny because Sam.
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: I think that women have such a this internal battle
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: that is so complex, and we're all looking for the
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: answers to why we deal with things in a certain way.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: And I don't know if you're ever able to conquer
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: it unless you just you gain years, right, and then
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: you can look at someone who's younger than you and say,
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: I know what you're feeling. Shake it off. But then
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: cut you're in your fifties or whatever, and it's a
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: whole new set of insecurities and problems.
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, now my back's now. I need a new hip, right,
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: I can't walk in heels anymore. Oh my god, I
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: don't even want to think about it.
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: It's scary.
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I think the lesson is embracing who you are,
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: no matter how long I'm far you are down the road.
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: So like me, I was mourning a person that I
• 34:20
  Speaker 2: was before I got responsibilities. Yeah, you were just talking
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: about mourning the person you were before you had a
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: child and become a mother. But it's like we have
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: to disembrace it and roll with the punches.
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: Roll with the punches.
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: Sometimes they're not punches they're kisses.
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: Oh I love that too.
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: It's like an hyper pie a quote.
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: So I call my family my pod because we're like orcas.
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: Like I bought a house when my relationship went south
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: with my eggs. My mom moved out, and then I
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: moved my brother in, and now we all live together
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: and we're like raising these kids as a family. And
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: I'm like love that. It's like a very beautiful situation
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: in structure that we've created, right, and it's not gonna
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: last forever. You know, my brother's going to find a person.
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: I will one day find my partner, but for now,
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: like it's great. Do you have like your little circle
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: of people? I mean at twenty six, I well, at
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: twenty six, I was a drunk, full transparency. We're approaching
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: seven years of sobriety one day at a tengratulation. But
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: thank you. And I wonder, because you've been in this
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: for so long and because you experienced such a toxic
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: relationship at such a young age, did you learn to
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: keep your circle tight?
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: No? No, no, I feel like it's been hard for
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: me because I've tried to be cautious about who I'm
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: friends with, who I'm letting into my circle. But I'm
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: such an energy person. I think if you have a
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: good vibe, I will allow you in my life completely
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: and fully until you prove me otherwise, okay. Which is
• 35:58
  Speaker 2: an extensive version of like a friend group. I have friends,
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: friends of friends, friends of family friends. Everyone has access
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: to me, and I feel like that's one thing that
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: I'm working on in therapy to kind of limit that
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: access to a certain degree. Yeah, so I get drained
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: a lot. It's like, oh shit, okay, oh so.
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: Energy drains you, Like I When I'm around a lot
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: of people, I feel like I have an interaction hangover. Yeah,
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: where like I need to retreat and like be by myself.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: Is that what happens to you?
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: Definitely? I was actually sober for two and a half years. Wow,
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: I was a friend of Bill as well. Really yeah,
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: I love of time And it was the moment, like
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: I learned so much about myself in those two and
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: a half years of sobriety and I feel like I
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: completely shifted. And I looked at myself. I was how
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: old was I? I think I was twenty Okay, Yeah,
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: I looked at all my previous friends in the circles
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: I was in and it was just like people that
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: I didn't really want or should have around me. It
• 37:04
  Speaker 2: was very much like bloodsucking creatures. And now I have
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: like a smaller friend group. Well was something that actually
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: happened quite recently. I am a few months ago. If
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: I'm being completely honest, I had really really, really really
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: low dip. I felt really.
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: Low.
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to be here. It was like, okay,
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: I've had enough. So I rang one of my friends. Actually, no,
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: I rang my therapist and I said, I'm having these thoughts.
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: I'm really worried, but like I'm almost kind of at
• 37:31
  Speaker 2: peace with it. It's weird, like it's scary when you
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: have those thoughts because you don't necessarily want to fight
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: against them. It's almost like you just want to give
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: in to them. It's the best way I can describe it.
• 37:42
  Speaker 2: And she said, okay, that's fine, Like, thank you for
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: being honest with me. Let's who do you feel safe around.
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: And I'm like, I mean, I don't really feel anything
• 37:51
  Speaker 2: right now. I'm feeling numb. She said, well, let me
• 37:52
  Speaker 2: call your friend Brian. I'm like, okay, So she called Brian,
• 37:55
  Speaker 2: who's one of my best friends. I met him one
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: perfect match. He was one of the producers. Okay, and
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: it was really scary because I'm away from home. I
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: only moved to LA about a year ago. It's taken
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: me a while. Like I don't even feel fully settled
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: in right now. Like, so my friendship group is so sporadic.
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: I'm still learning people. He came to my house and oh,
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: I'm getting emotional. He came to my house and he
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: held me like a baby, and it was one of
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: the only times that I'd drank since been sober, and
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: all those thoughts come back to me. So I haven't
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: spoken about this publicly yet, but I went back to
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: drinking after being sober, and I feel like, because oh
• 38:40
  Speaker 2: my god, I'm so sorry not I.
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: Wish I wouldn't have thrown those things the way. Can
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: we get her a tissue please, I can dub it.
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: Are you okay? Yeah, Well you're in such a safe space.
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: Oh I love that.
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: Thank you. I feel like because I like announced to
• 38:57
  Speaker 2: the world that I was sober in sobriety, and I
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: still get messages to this day like you've helped me
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: go to AA and like find myself. And my daughter
• 39:06
  Speaker 2: is so thankful that her Mum's now sober. I've been
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: carrying these guilt of like I'm not sober anymore. You know,
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: I felt like a fraud because I feel like, oh God,
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: if I tell people that I've drank or that I've
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: gone back to drinking, what if I'm putting other people's
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: lives at risk? Like what if they idolize me for
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: being sober? And then if I say I'm back drinking,
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: they go, right, I'm going to drink now because Chloe's drinking,
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: Like I feel like, because I'm a person of influence,
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: I I don't want to feel that guilt and that pressure.
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: You know, there's a lot of pressure. But again, oh
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: thank you such a cry baby.
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: But you're in good company with that.
• 39:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah. One of the the moments that I knew that
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: my friend Brian loved me, And so anyone out there listening,
• 40:05
  Speaker 2: it's so important to just let your guard down when
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: you need to, because if I'd have kept quiet, I
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: wouldn't have had such an enlightenment on how much my
• 40:21
  Speaker 2: friend Brian loves me. So he cradled me like a baby.
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: He took me to the doctors. I got the help
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: that I needed. I spoke to professionals. And then I
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: came back home and I was like, I can't go
• 40:31
  Speaker 2: home because my bedroom's a mess, and he said, no,
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: I got a cleaner to clean your bedroom for you.
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: Do you want me to come and stay around yours
• 40:38
  Speaker 2: until you feel better? So it's like he was there
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: for me. He doesn't just love me because I'm funny.
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: He doesn't just love me because I dress nice when
• 40:49
  Speaker 2: I go out and he looks good next to me,
• 40:50
  Speaker 2: and I look good next to him. I could be
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: at my lowest of loves and he'd still be there
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: for me. And I carried so much shame for having
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: all these emotions, and it actually might describe stronger. It's
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: like I could trust you with my life. Yeah, Like
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: that's a friend. So I answer to your question, I've
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: only probably got one or two friends that I hold
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: closer to me.
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: I love everything that just happened just now, and I'm
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: so happy that you have, Brian. I don't want you
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: to feel the weight of other people's sobriety or addiction.
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: I don't want that is not your story, And it's
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: easier said than done because I've had those moments too
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: where I'm like I anything that is forever can become
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: very daunting and paralyzing, and there are moments when I
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: think about, like I can never have another drink again.
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: I start having anxiety because it's a forever, yeah, And
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: that's why I'm like, okay, just one day at a time.
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: But I also have those moments of if I were
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: to do this, I would let other people down. And
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: me saying to you is what I'm saying is also
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: me trying to practice what I preach. Not that I'm
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: going to go out and drink, but I just don't
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: want you to feel like that is your responsibility, because
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: it isn't. There's so many other things that you've offered
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: just on this forty two minutes of a podcast that
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: I know that I'm going to carry very closely, and
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: I know other people are going to do the exact
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: same And you're just so wise for a twenty six
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: year old, Like I was not like you at all
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: at twenty six, And we do and it's just a
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: part of our story. And I've learned in this life
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: that we're all just doing the best that we can.
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: And it's such a it's such a funky time because
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: we're all doing the best we can, but no one's
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: trying to help anyone out right. The internet's gotten vile. Yeah,
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: everyone's up in arms about just the state of everything.
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: And that's just one one pressure that you should take
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: off of yourself. Yeah, you know, definitely, not that that
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: would carry any weight, but as someone who's sober, I'm
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: telling you, like, please don't carry that with you. Thank you,
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: You're very welcome.
• 43:26
  Speaker 2: The first time I've actually said it out loud, I
• 43:28
  Speaker 2: feel kind of good. Yeah, this was amazing good. That's
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: me practicing what I preach. I'm like, I'm preaching people
• 43:35
  Speaker 2: to be vulnerable. There you go, there's my It's very hard.
• 43:39
  Speaker 1: It's very hard to be vulnerable. And and once we
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: are going back to the me admitting my jealousy issues,
• 43:49
  Speaker 1: I'm like, at the moment, it was very suffocating. Yeah,
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, but for some reason, I feel like
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: I've just come out as like an addict all over again. Right, Yeah,
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh the elephant. Okay, we're living in our
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: truth and the only way to get a handle and
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: implement tools YEP is admitting is always the first step
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: with any grassing yourself up right exactly, So what is
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: your show on a happier, fun, exciting note. Your show
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: on the Unwell Network, tell us what it's called the
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: radio show? It was supposed to be a podcast.
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: No, I wanted to. I wanted to go into the
• 44:27
  Speaker 2: podcast well okay, Alex Cooper and them. But then she's
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: just done a massive deal with Serious XM, and I
• 44:34
  Speaker 2: was like, I want to be the first ogs to
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: have a radio show. Another thing under my belt. I've
• 44:38
  Speaker 2: just hosted my first epishow, Sneaky Links, that's out on
• 44:41
  Speaker 2: Netflix right now. It's all so exciting. Oh my gosh,
• 44:45
  Speaker 2: it's crazy. I definitely celebrated that whim good for going
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: out for dinner. Yes, but it's called Big Sister with
• 44:53
  Speaker 2: Chloe Beach, and it's a space in which we talk
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: about reality TV, my opinions on it, and also just
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: giving people advice. Basically what we have just spoken about, okay,
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: is like every Friday Live at twelve pmst Ah. I
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: love it. I call my friends. I'm like, babe, I
• 45:12
  Speaker 2: need some advice. My boyfriend's been busing me off. What
• 45:14
  Speaker 2: should I do? So it's very much fun, emotional, vulnerable.
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: It's got that shock factor.
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: Do people write in, Yeah, they call in.
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: Oh, they call call in.
• 45:25
  Speaker 1: You've got the personal connection going, yeah, And do you
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: stick to one topic each Friday or is it kind
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: of all all over the place like a tangent.
• 45:35
  Speaker 2: Whatever's happening that week? Okay, Yeah, we have segments. We've
• 45:38
  Speaker 2: got de Lulu is not the Slulu. It's where I
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: basically say something that's been going on in my life
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: that I've been delusional about. Okay, and I kind of
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: go into the solution. And then we have a segment
• 45:49
  Speaker 2: where someone calls in. I give them advice, and I
• 45:51
  Speaker 2: call my friend, they give me advice, and then we
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: just talk about the a reality show that's been viral,
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: Like we spoke about Love Island.
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: So my brother has been watching Love Island. I've never
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: watched Love Island. I watched like a couple episodes of
• 46:06
  Speaker 1: season two because I thought that this one guy was
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: super hot and I d M him and the can
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: we believe it? His name again? It was season two.
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: His name was oh dear like tall. Yes, this covered
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: season season two, so they're on season seven, so this
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: was like, but I had just started watching season two
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: because I'm like, this guy's hot. And then he had
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: in his bio that he was on Love Island. But
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: he responded to my DM right off the bat as,
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: are you trying to get your back blown out?
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: Wha? I was like, oh yeah.
• 46:48
  Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, I'll catch you when I land.
• 46:51
  Speaker 2: Give me three to five business marchandised to figure out.
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: But I was like, wow, like how confident?
• 46:58
  Speaker 2: What did you say? What was your first message?
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: Well, I have no game anymore, so my first message
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: to him was the chef's kiss emoji?
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: Okay?
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: And then hero, are you trying to get your bag
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: blown out?
• 47:10
  Speaker 2: Which is vile?
• 47:11
  Speaker 1: It's a lot where will be gone?
• 47:13
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry it's gone.
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: Does your man have any friends? Any good ones? He's
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: too busy right?
• 47:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah? I mean I wouldn't well hit me in mind.
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: Please show me the radio this Friday reckon Advice.
• 47:32
  Speaker 1: I love this so much. My last question is how
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: do you know if someone is the one.
• 47:43
  Speaker 2: For me personally?
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: Right now?
• 47:46
  Speaker 2: I can see the growth after every conversation. Okay, I
• 47:51
  Speaker 2: can feel my nervous system get quiet and quie. I
• 47:56
  Speaker 2: can feel physically my body's reaction to stress and lesson
• 48:02
  Speaker 2: and it's like a dance. You know, it's not it's
• 48:04
  Speaker 2: going to be perfect. Sometimes you'll piss me off. I'll
• 48:06
  Speaker 2: piss it. Yeah, it's you just feel.
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: It, you feel it. I love what you said about
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: the conversations because it sounds to me what I gathered
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: is that you know someone is going to be the one.
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: I mean, none of us have a crystal ball and
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: we don't know what the future holds, but evolving together.
• 48:26
  Speaker 2: And I think also trusting in yourself because you can
• 48:29
  Speaker 2: have that feeling that they're the one, right, but like,
• 48:33
  Speaker 2: don't be an idiot. You know, there's like intuition and
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: gut feelings and then like reality, yeah, red flags and
• 48:40
  Speaker 2: all the other bullshit and smoke and mirrors. So I
• 48:44
  Speaker 2: don't believe in love at first sight or someone definitely
• 48:48
  Speaker 2: being the one because my parents were married and now
• 48:50
  Speaker 2: they're no longer. Yeah, So I think you just gotta
• 48:54
  Speaker 2: trust your gut, trust it instincts, and just communicate. Yeah,
• 48:59
  Speaker 2: and having great set. That's very fan. I'm sorry, thank
• 49:03
  Speaker 2: you for the rest of my life. Thank you very much.
• 49:05
  Speaker 2: That's one. There, it is, you're the one. You're the one.
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: I've done enough charity fucking for the rest of my life.
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, for shre Yeah no more. All right,
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: I'm over it. Where can people find you? Follow you,
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: watch you on TV, give me all the Tea Oh
• 49:23
  Speaker 1: No So shows.
• 49:24
  Speaker 2: I'm klobbe Bach and you can watch my newish show
• 49:27
  Speaker 2: Sneak Links on Netflix premiere in It's out now, and
• 49:30
  Speaker 2: then my radio show is live every Friday on a
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: serious XM channel seven eight six.
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: This is so exciting. I'm celebrating for you. Thank you,
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: congratulations on all of your massive wins. Thank you for
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: being on my podcast, my love. Thank you for listening
• 49:47
  Speaker 1: to another episode of the Give Them a La Podcast.
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: I'm going to catch you guys on Monday for the
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: bonus and again next Wednesday.
• 49:53
  Speaker 2: Bye,