Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 193. Have You Caught Yourself Doing These Damaging Things In Your Marriage?

Transcript

193. Have You Caught Yourself Doing These Damaging Things In Your Marriage? · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 1:03
  Actually you haven't done most of these in our marriage.
• 1:06
  These are the things that you don't want to say yes to.
• 1:19
  These are the things that you want to say no.
• 1:23
  I've never done that in my marriage.
• 1:25
  Can I revise my answers?
• 1:27
  Yes, no no, no.
• 1:28
  Well, we'll get into this then I'll I'm sure I've done a lot of them.
• 1:34
  I think that these are things that we don't necessarily mean to do, but accidentally sometimes we're manipulative.
• 1:47
  Maybe we're toxic.
• 1:49
  We like to make our spouse mad or hurt their feelings, so we do these things.
• 1:54
  Some of these things, yes.
• 1:56
  Intentionally or unintentionally, but we're going to go over a list today of the things that you really need to stay away from doing to each other.
• 2:07
  They're pretty simple If you love your spouse and respect your spouse, you probably are not guilty of these.
• 2:13
  But we didn't want to talk about like abusive things, because I think most of our listeners have pretty healthy marriages for the most part.
• 2:21
  But we wanted to list some things that I didn't really consider toxic until like what, like year 15, when I was like, oh, that's not very good to do in marriage.
• 2:34
  Well, and even the little things.
• 2:36
  You do the little things and then they can generate big problems and really escalate.
• 2:41
  And so I mean, even if there's just one or two things on this list that you feel like, oh, I can do a little bit better at, it, might be a big game changer for your relationship.
• 2:51
  Absolutely, and I think that when you get used to doing one thing, it gets worse and worse, and that's where it becomes like super toxic right.
• 2:58
  For sure.
• 2:59
  Nobody wants a toxic marriage Right, so so we start out.
• 3:04
  So we started this out by.
• 3:05
  I know we've skipped a couple doing a.
• 3:08
  Would you rather question?
• 3:09
  Because we haven't?
• 3:09
  Done one in a while.
• 3:10
  So we do it.
• 3:11
  Would you rather question?
• 3:12
  Sure, you're going to ask me.
• 3:14
  Sure, sure, that didn't sound very exciting.
• 3:17
  I'm so excited.
• 3:18
  Okay, that's what I wanted to hear.
• 3:20
  So what I wanted to do is to show you guys that the would you rather or just the conversation starters, or the truth or dare, like they're fun games on the app, like we hope that you're pulling them out often because, like the other night, we actually did a podcast with someone yesterday.
• 3:35
  We were on their podcast and one of her questions she asked us is do you play your own app?
• 3:42
  And we looked at each other and started laughing and, like we did last night, which is awesome right because we decided that we wanted to intimately connect, first emotionally more, and turned on the truth at air and pick truth for like an hour and we got into some conversations that we already knew each other's answers, which was funny too.
• 4:01
  I'm like you're totally going to know this and you're like, yeah, and we.
• 4:04
  I mean I guess that means we know each other very well.
• 4:07
  The funny thing is that every single question that Nick was asking, I was like truth, truth, we played dare leader but and so I would answer and I'd be like, oh my gosh, you're completely opposite than me.
• 4:17
  Oh, I'm completely opposite of that answer.
• 4:19
  Oh, I mean, it just shows that, like two completely opposite people can still have an amazing marriage.
• 4:26
  Yeah, still be compatible.
• 4:27
  Yeah, we often think that, oh, you got to be a like for it to work.
• 4:31
  But Amy and I are very different in a lot of ways and obviously we still make it work.
• 4:37
  Absolutely.
• 4:39
  All right.
• 4:39
  So the would you rather?
• 4:41
  This is just a random shuffle.
• 4:43
  I don't know that we've asked ourselves, asked each other this question before.
• 4:46
  Would you rather relive our first date or relive our wedding day?
• 4:52
  Oh, absolutely First date.
• 4:54
  Okay, I loved our first date.
• 4:57
  Yeah, I thought our first day was not a bad answer.
• 4:58
  No, that's not a bad answer.
• 5:01
  I mean as bad as I was on our honeymoon night.
• 5:06
  I can see why you picked the first date.
• 5:08
  You said wedding date, not night.
• 5:10
  Well, wedding day goes into the night.
• 5:13
  See, I went off the wedding day and I was like stressed out and it was busy and I was just kind of exhausted and too much anxiety I don't know, Like it was an anxious day.
• 5:24
  But our first date was like so much fun.
• 5:26
  It was a blind date and he was so romantic.
• 5:29
  He had this whole thing planned out with his friend and me and my friend and we just hit it off.
• 5:33
  It was like that first like falling in love.
• 5:36
  It was so fun, so I'm going to pick that.
• 5:39
  And on the date she told me that she was going to be moving to California pretty soon.
• 5:43
  But I bet you all can guess what happened, because she never moved to California.
• 5:48
  Thank goodness for that.
• 5:50
  This is a tricky one, I would say.
• 5:53
  I'd probably say we live our first date.
• 5:56
  Our honeymoon night was probably something I want to forget.
• 6:01
  No, that doesn't mean it's bad.
• 6:03
  Let's just say I had.
• 6:05
  No, I needed the ultimate intimacy app.
• 6:09
  I was never taught anything and I was like a blind man trying to read Braille.
• 6:17
  When it comes to sex, Like anyways.
• 6:20
  Amy probably laughed.
• 6:22
  I've improved, I'm a lot better now, but yeah, our honeymoon night was pretty laughable.
• 6:26
  So anyways and I'm sure I'm not the only one out there that's feeling the same- way we need to do a podcast episode just sharing everyone's like wedding, wedding night, not too much info, but like funny stories, just to make you feel like it.
• 6:41
  I'm sure there's some funny ones out there.
• 6:44
  Oh, anyways, we'll jump in.
• 6:45
  All right, let's dive in the first one and again, these are things that you want to not do in your marriage, and we're going to try to make this positive by turning around and saying what to do, right?
• 7:03
  I like it.
• 7:03
  Right, so constant criticism or, as some men would put, nagging.
• 7:12
  Nagging yes.
• 7:13
  Nagging, so what would that look like?
• 7:19
  I don't know, I don't nag, do I?
• 7:20
  No.
• 7:21
  Do I constant criticize?
• 7:22
  No.
• 7:22
  No, I would guess that this would be.
• 7:26
  Come on, babe, you can never do things right.
• 7:29
  Actually, I might do this with the kids.
• 7:31
  You guys never can turn out the lights.
• 7:33
  Oh, nick is like the light Nazi, yes, so I'll get ready for bed.
• 7:40
  The whole house is lit up like the griswolds.
• 7:43
  My energy meter is just spinning as fast as I can even sit, so I turn out all the lights.
• 7:49
  I'm going to bed, one of the children come down and every light on the house, including the outside lights, my car lights, the garage lights, every single light possible in the house somehow gets turned back on and I'm like are you kidding me?
• 8:07
  I thought they just came down to say good night.
• 8:10
  Nick, never exaggerates ever.
• 8:12
  So yeah, so I might be a little bit guilty of this with, maybe my kids sometimes, like really you can't turn out the lights, like what's wrong with you.
• 8:23
  But you don't do it in marriage.
• 8:27
  No, I haven't.
• 8:27
  I've been good, but I could do a better job of that and say oh, thank you for turning on all the house lights again so that I can turn them off.
• 8:38
  At least I'm not doing that but constant criticism.
• 8:44
  This is in marriage.
• 8:45
  I hear a lot from wives that well, I wouldn't have to nag my husband if he would just look around and see what needs to be done, or if I didn't have to remind him 10,000 times to do that one thing that I asked him to do a week ago.
• 9:03
  That's why I nag and basically there's got to be a communication error there right.
• 9:10
  Yeah, basically there are belittling comments.
• 9:13
  Belittling comments, as in, maybe change the tone of voice so it's not criticizing criticism, or make it more positivity, or hey, babe, how about if, like I've already maybe told you like a few times, maybe I could stick a little, stick it note on your forehead and make a joke out of it?
• 9:36
  I don't know.
• 9:37
  I think it's all the tone of how you do it.
• 9:39
  It's all the I do right, hey, babe, I know.
• 9:41
  I've reminded you.
• 9:42
  Is there any chance you could do this?
• 9:45
  or, instead of saying you never do this, or maybe you could come help me do this, or I don't know.
• 9:51
  There's got to be a better way than constant criticizing.
• 9:54
  But criticizing can also be putting the other spouse down, right.
• 10:00
  Absolutely and so the opposite of that would be to try to uplift more, try to pay more compliments more, try to just be more positive in your marriage.
• 10:11
  We talk about that all the time.
• 10:12
  Kids, you are the best at leaving the lights on.
• 10:15
  Maybe you could.
• 10:17
  Yeah.
• 10:18
  So I'm saying I could turn around and say you guys are amazing at leaving the lights on.
• 10:23
  That is such a great talent.
• 10:24
  I appreciate that and I hope you'll do it more often.
• 10:28
  And maybe they'll do the opposite, maybe they'll do the opposite.
• 10:31
  Yes, that's my message, or you could make it a game and be like let's see if you can turn all the lights off in the whole house in less than 15 seconds and make it fun.
• 10:43
  That's impossible.
• 10:44
  But yeah, probably need like five minutes for all the lights to turn on.
• 10:49
  Anyways, you guys get the point.
• 10:50
  You get the point.
• 10:51
  Okay, next one is controlling behavior.
• 10:53
  We have heard that there's a lot of controlling spouses and that can go to another extreme, that can go to a full on abusive behavior.
• 11:03
  Right Like, controlling can get really, really, really bad.
• 11:07
  Yeah, this could be like controlling who your spouse's friends are, controlling what they're eating, controlling what they're doing decisions they make.
• 11:16
  Yeah, I mean, I think that's pretty toxic.
• 11:21
  But the thing is, is we're trying to talk about not so toxic level of this, but just what do you think is a situation where a spouse is a little controlling but it's not escalated?
• 11:31
  To like my spouse is abusive, right.
• 11:33
  So, like you said, controlling could be.
• 11:38
  Maybe one spouse doesn't like the other spouse hanging out with friends very often and, like I don't know, maybe makes negative comments about that or is always making them other plans so they they're not, don't have the time to, or I don't know those ways you could see that right?
• 11:57
  Yeah, for sure.
• 11:58
  So it's really important to not being controlling.
• 12:01
  I think that's what's really attractive is when a spouse, well, when a couple has that freedom and trust but they both respect boundaries and I don't know just the fact that you're both different, you both can have friends, you can both have activities, but you can talk about it and find a healthy balance so that no one has to be controlling in any situation right, for sure.
• 12:25
  Yeah, I think, controlling behavior.
• 12:27
  There's nothing, no bigger turnoff than that, for sure.
• 12:30
  Yeah, that's super, super unattractive.
• 12:33
  Isolation, you know this is when a spouse tries to keep the other spouse, maybe from their friends or family.
• 12:41
  Same thing yeah.
• 12:42
  You know, keep them away from that.
• 12:44
  Obviously, that's a, that's definitely a controlling behavior.
• 12:47
  Yeah, same kind of thing, I think, isolation if if a relationship has gotten toxic, then one spouse that was partially abusive or very abusive would try to isolate the other spouse from not having their support system outside of the home to go talk to or share.
• 13:05
  I mean with certain personalities that maybe really have low self-esteem or not trustworthy or narcissist or whatever it is or you could see where they would get like jealous or worried about them, having an outside source telling them like, oh, that's not okay.
• 13:22
  You know what I'm saying?
• 13:23
  Yeah, and I think this happens maybe more often than we think, where a spouse is like yeah, I don't want you going out with your family or going to lunch with your friends or you know, kind of having that controlling behavior and isolating them, taking them away from, like you said, those friends or those support groups.
• 13:41
  Yeah, the next one's stonewalling, which means refusing to communicate or engage in conversations to resolve issues, and that can really create emotional distance and frustration, I think.
• 13:55
  I've definitely done that before you know you oh you used to be good at that one a little bit.
• 14:00
  I was good at it.
• 14:01
  Thank you you kind of were Like Nick and you've been at this before, but there's been times where there were certain subjects or hard things going on in your marriage that you just didn't want to talk about Correct, because you're more of a peacemaker, that doesn't make you.
• 14:13
  It doesn't mean that you're a bad person or a bad spouse, but sometimes this happens when one spouse, who does have a more passive or peacemaker personality, doesn't want to confront an issue.
• 14:24
  Right oh?
• 14:25
  absolutely.
• 14:25
  I would just totally put up a wall and say let's not talk about that, Right?
• 14:29
  Let's just it's just gonna start something Exactly it's just gonna start there and for a while I did refuse to communicate or talk about conversations that we needed to have, and I think obviously, looking back, I had a very negative and profound effect on our relationship at the time.
• 14:46
  And as I always talk about like the opposite of that is communicating about everything, and that's why our relationship is in such a better place is simply just because I think me especially I've learned to communicate.
• 14:59
  You've always been really good at communicating, but I think it is a natural tendency.
• 15:03
  There were times that you would hold things in as well and I'd be like, babe, hey, just tell me what's going on here, I don't want to talk about that.
• 15:09
  That's what I already tried, like 10,000 times, like I just said, which is not okay to have that attitude.
• 15:13
  So we both done that, both guilty of that, I'm sure everyone I think everybody is guilty of stonewalling.
• 15:19
  Yeah.
• 15:20
  I mean in marriage it's hard, especially if that I mean every marriage has that one topic or one thing.
• 15:27
  That kind of causes create like contention, right?
• 15:30
  Sometimes it's sexual intimacy, sometimes it's a financial intimacy, like it wasn't our marriage, sometimes the emotional intimacy like he's not meeting my needs.
• 15:37
  I keep telling him what my needs are and he won't listen.
• 15:39
  I hear that a lot from women.
• 15:41
  Like, whatever it is, most marriages have that one little thing that kind of just always seems to create that contention right, for sure.
• 15:50
  And so it's easy to get to a point where, like, I just don't want to talk about it, I just don't want to bring it up anymore.
• 15:55
  It's just never going to get better, and that obviously does not fix the problem.
• 15:59
  Yeah, another common one is gaslighting.
• 16:01
  This is like manipulating or distorting reality to make the other person you know doubt or question what they really saw or what really happened.
• 16:15
  Yeah, that's emotional, abusive, absolutely.
• 16:17
  Yeah, absolutely so.
• 16:20
  Yeah, I mean, I don't think we've really done that in our relationship.
• 16:23
  Yeah, yeah I think we've been pretty good there, but this is definitely emotional abuse.
• 16:30
  Excessive jealousy.
• 16:31
  Excessive jealousy I have had, not in our marriage, but in like relationships before I got married, where excessive jealousy would have destroyed the marriage.
• 16:42
  Right, like there's nothing worse than having a spouse and I'm sure if you're married to someone that's super jealous, like that's just got to be so hard because you're always have to reassure them.
• 16:55
  To hey, we're good, we're good, we don't have to worry about it, you don't have to be jealous I can.
• 16:59
  I can say hi to someone.
• 17:00
  Doesn't mean like I'm having feelings.
• 17:02
  I want to hop in bed with them.
• 17:03
  Yeah Right.
• 17:05
  So I don't know there's a balance to jealousy, though.
• 17:09
  Jealousy is part of life, it's part of human emotion, and I think there's such thing as healthy jealousy too.
• 17:16
  Like it's actually sometimes like Nick is the most unjealous person in the world, like his self-esteem must be at 150.
• 17:25
  Well, right, but the but.
• 17:26
  I think the reason why I don't feel like I have any jealousy is because I fully trust you.
• 17:32
  For sure, I feel the same way I absolutely don't need to worry about you or anything.
• 17:37
  So therefore, I'm just like yeah you don't do what you do.
• 17:39
  What do you need to do?
• 17:40
  You want to?
• 17:40
  I mean, I just yeah, I don't need to worry about it because the trust is there.
• 17:46
  The trust is there.
• 17:46
  So if you're not at that level, talk about why.
• 17:52
  Like what is causing the spouse that's having the issue of jealousy?
• 17:57
  Like, why are you feeling this way?
• 17:59
  What am I doing to make you feel this way?
• 18:02
  Or why, what kind of things happened in your background and your past to make you feel this way?
• 18:06
  But I think part of the reason we don't have any jealousy in our relationship is because we've set boundaries right.
• 18:11
  For sure, like obviously, if Amy went out and said, hey, I'm going to play pickleball with a 20 year old handsome guy for a couple hours and then we're going to grab food, I mean, that's not going to happen.
• 18:22
  But my point is is obviously I'd be totally jealous, right, I'd be like what, like that's.
• 18:27
  But I but because we've set boundaries, I know we both know kind of what to expect in our marriage and we don't even have to worry about it.
• 18:35
  And I think when you set boundaries, that is that makes it really easy to get rid of any jealousy.
• 18:42
  For sure, because then you don't even have to worry about it.
• 18:44
  For sure.
• 18:45
  And if you haven't set boundaries like that, go back to our boundaries video, because it's really, really important.
• 18:53
  I can totally agree with you on that.
• 18:54
  Yeah.
• 18:54
  Like we don't have to worry about that feeling because of that.
• 18:58
  Silent treatment.
• 19:00
  I think we're all, I think this is yeah, we're all guilty of this, I'm guilty.
• 19:04
  Absolutely done too.
• 19:05
  I think when you get mad, you get in an argument, you piss each other off.
• 19:08
  It's really easy to just be like I'm not talking to him.
• 19:13
  I'm so done with you.
• 19:14
  I just want to ignore you.
• 19:16
  Yeah, ignore me for back in the day when I would express and express because you told me I like to communicate right, like I like to fix the problem, and you would brush under the rug.
• 19:26
  I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to fix that, I don't want to change, and Nick has definitely has a stubborn side.
• 19:32
  We both do right.
• 19:33
  But back in the day, when we had a little bit more, I wouldn't say we talked to the relationship, but we had to learn these tools of how to really communicate and have a really healthy relationship.
• 19:43
  There were days that you would bug me so bad I would literally be like I don't want to speak to you for a day I bugged you like that.
• 19:52
  Oh yeah, really.
• 19:53
  Oh yeah, oh my heck, I didn't know, I had that like effect, or that.
• 19:56
  Oh yeah, I was so bugged and I know we've all felt like that in our marriages.
• 20:02
  But silent treatment is not going to help anything ever, right?
• 20:11
  Totally agree with that.
• 20:12
  Like that is the most damaging thing you can do is to stonewall or reject to speak, or then just give them the silent treatment.
• 20:20
  Like sometimes you need space.
• 20:22
  I get that If you're in a fight, or sometimes you need to just have some space.
• 20:26
  That's fine.
• 20:27
  And that's when you tell your spouse hey, I need some time alone just to digest things and think about things.
• 20:33
  Yes, we give me that time alone, instead of just completely shutting them out and ignoring it, getting in your car, driving off.
• 20:40
  They have no idea where you're going and I have done that before.
• 20:42
  I mean, I'll admit totally that I've done that before, where I'm just like all right.
• 20:46
  I'm leaving, I'm leaving for it a little bit.
• 20:51
  So yeah, if you need some time alone, don't make it silent treatment, just make it.
• 20:55
  I need time to figure out my thoughts and then I'll be back, because I'm right here for you.
• 21:03
  I love you, our marriage is going to be healthy.
• 21:07
  I just need a little space, just for a minute, and then we'll connect again.
• 21:11
  Oh, moving on.
• 21:11
  The next one is withholding affection or sex.
• 21:14
  I totally.
• 21:15
  I've totally done that.
• 21:18
  I mean, the other night Amy and I were playing pick a ball and I said, hey, if we win this game you'll get some tonight.
• 21:23
  So I used sex as kind of to manipulate, I guess.
• 21:29
  Manipulate my skill level, manipulate her pick a ball skills which if I'm not in the mood that night, then I'm or I'm not like mentally ready to get them in the night.
• 21:39
  She throws the game.
• 21:40
  Then I was yeah, I'm just laughing because it's like, uh, okay, I'll lose.
• 21:46
  Then I'm joking.
• 21:49
  I'm not joking about doing that in pick a ball, because I do do that, oh, like every Monday night.
• 21:54
  Hey babe, what are we betting for tonight?
• 21:55
  Dude, if we're losing that, if we're losing our game because we play in a couples tournament every Monday night, if we're losing and I really want to win these people because they're like prideful or something and I'm like those people are bugging we need to win.
• 22:07
  I'm like Nick, you're going to get some tonight if you step up your game and he totally does every time.
• 22:12
  Just, like a new man walks on the court.
• 22:15
  It's like hold on time out, time out.
• 22:17
  Okay, so I hope that's not manipulation.
• 22:20
  Wow, it's fun manipulation and a healthy, it's healthy manipulation.
• 22:24
  We're trying to make these list a little more positive.
• 22:27
  Hey, but on a serious note a lot of people do withhold sex.
• 22:32
  That's not okay, We've talked about that in one of our podcast episodes the toxic emotional and sexual intimacy games that are played in marriage and most couples play those games.
• 22:44
  I mean, I think Amy and I can rightfully say that there's probably been times in our marriage where we or not me, but sex has been withheld, or you know, that's just.
• 22:56
  I think we've all done that right.
• 22:58
  Yeah for sure.
• 22:59
  So withholding affection, or sex withholding affection too, so you're mad at your spouse, you are super mad at your spouse I want to say pissed off, but some people hate that word Like really mad at your spouse.
• 23:16
  Cutting off like just physical affection I'm not talking about sex, because nobody wants to have sex when they're mad.
• 23:23
  But cutting off physical affection is a great way to kill intimacy, emotional intimacy, but kind of trust too, because I don't know, even when you're upset at each other or the or the relationship's super disconnected, it's still important to like have that affection.
• 23:43
  Yeah, and it's really easy to withhold that affection.
• 23:46
  I mean you just you think back and I mean I think there were times where there were days where we never hugged each other, or you know did any affection and it you can just tell.
• 23:57
  I mean, you can just tell what it does to your relationship.
• 23:59
  I think every couple had those days where, like I'm not, speaking to you today or even two days, and then it just like.
• 24:04
  Then they get to a point where they realize the argument or whatever they're like not speaking about was stupid, and then it's like which one of us is going to give in Cause?
• 24:13
  Now we both look like idiots.
• 24:14
  Yeah, and, and then it's a matter of, well, who's going to give in first?
• 24:18
  And then it becomes less about the argument and more about winning which is which is toxic in its own way.
• 24:24
  Absolutely.
• 24:25
  Constant blaming.
• 24:29
  I think this happens in a lot of marriages where one spouse is constantly blaming the other, like it's always their fault If something's not working.
• 24:40
  It's their fault.
• 24:41
  If you know, whatever the situation is, it's always their fault.
• 24:45
  And even if, like I made a mistake somehow it's your fault, like I made a mistake because you did this or whatever, just constantly blaming the other person, I mean that's, that's totally toxic.
• 24:59
  It's toxic and it's super annoying.
• 25:00
  And you get to a point where you're like, really, do I need to start flipping, videoing and recording everything, cause I keep getting blamed for it.
• 25:07
  Like you don't want to feel like that in your marriage yeah, that's an awful feeling.
• 25:11
  So to the spouse that suffers from constant blaming or are you?
• 25:18
  Maybe you could use help in the area.
• 25:20
  Like it's time to be mature and start realizing that you probably make mistakes in your own marriage.
• 25:28
  Right, marriage takes two For sure.
• 25:31
  Moving on.
• 25:31
  The next one is threats.
• 25:33
  Making threats, even if they're not acted upon, is obviously abusive and should not be tolerated.
• 25:40
  What do you think about when, like making threats, like if you don't do this, I'm going to leave?
• 25:47
  Very toxic, very toxic.
• 25:51
  You're right.
• 25:51
  Did I get the answer?
• 25:53
  Oh, you got it totally right.
• 25:55
  Threatening to cut off spending.
• 25:59
  threatening to cut off sex cut off sex.
• 26:03
  Yeah, a lot of couples, I mean yeah.
• 26:06
  I think women cut off sex a lot.
• 26:08
  And I think they use that and make threats against that.
• 26:11
  Absolutely Like.
• 26:12
  If you don't start doing this, this is this I'm not going to make.
• 26:15
  Well, they won't even use the word make love, probably, but there will be no sexual intimacy for you for a week, right Like that's toxic.
• 26:23
  Oh, it's totally toxic.
• 26:25
  Sad.
• 26:25
  Yeah, you guys know what threats means.
• 26:27
  Don't do it.
• 26:28
  Financial control this could be like obviously limiting your spouse's ability to spend money or be independent or go to lunch or do certain things.
• 26:43
  Let's talk about this one for a minute.
• 26:44
  I think this is a really important topic to discuss Financial control.
• 26:48
  I see this more when the husband is the provider and the wife is like a stay-at-home mom.
• 26:56
  Right, because she's not you would put in the words contributing financially, even though she's totally contributing to the relationship.
• 27:06
  If not even more.
• 27:07
  If not more.
• 27:07
  But I think this is really, really hard, and so it's so important to sit down as a couple and be like OK, I know I'm the breadwinner, but a wife needs some spending money too.
• 27:22
  There is a point where she needs to go lunch and do some things for her sanity and for her well-being, and she needs to be rewarded for her amazing job too.
• 27:34
  Right, absolutely.
• 27:35
  I think that we need to look at no matter what the husband's bringing home financially.
• 27:41
  I think that needs to be the family money and it needs to be divided out together.
• 27:49
  Yeah, it's not my money, your money exactly.
• 27:51
  I think finances, obviously they wreck a lot of marriages, but if the wife is working too, see, we also hear this toxic in another way, because I hear from a lot of men.
• 28:00
  Well, and most people have probably heard this my money is the family's money, the husband says, but her money is her money.
• 28:09
  Well, we hear that all the time.
• 28:10
  We hear that all the time and it's like well, my wife has a side job or works part-time or even works full-time.
• 28:15
  That's her money, but I have to pay all the bills with my money.
• 28:17
  I know that everyone's situation with finances is totally different.
• 28:22
  I'm not going to say what's right or wrong, but if you have that kind of attitude where what yours is ours and mine is mine, that's not going to help your marriage.
• 28:32
  Yeah, right, yeah, for sure.
• 28:34
  So it's very important to totally be involved with each other on all financial decisions, especially big ones, and just talk about it.
• 28:45
  Don't be controlling about it.
• 28:48
  Moving on constant sarcasm.
• 28:50
  I don't ever like sarcasm, I don't ever use sarcasm, so I don't know what this means.
• 28:59
  What do you think it means?
• 29:01
  Stop.
• 29:02
  Sarcasm is pretty much Nick's personality, but not to me.
• 29:08
  Yeah, that's true.
• 29:09
  Not to me, that's true.
• 29:10
  Not to me.
• 29:10
  Sarcasm in a negative way would be.
• 29:15
  Oh, it'd be like when you say come on smart one.
• 29:20
  Oh, I totally am guilty of this one.
• 29:22
  That would be.
• 29:22
  Yeah, I'm totally guilty.
• 29:24
  Oh, I'm abusive.
• 29:25
  You're a real smart one.
• 29:27
  I look at Nick all the time.
• 29:27
  I'm like, yeah, smart one, yeah.
• 29:32
  Yeah.
• 29:33
  It's usually a really dumb thing, though, so I'm not actually calling you dumb.
• 29:36
  No, you're saying smart one, I'm saying smart one.
• 29:38
  What are you talking about?
• 29:39
  It's a compliment.
• 29:40
  It's a compliment.
• 29:41
  Oh, I take that.
• 29:43
  It's a compliment, nick's joking, because if he really was affected by that, I would stop, I wouldn't be laughing.
• 29:51
  No, but I can take sarcasm because I'm addition it out all the time, you can definitely dish it out.
• 29:55
  We know our relationship.
• 29:56
  We know our relationship, but excessive sarcasm or mocking of your spouse will absolutely kill your spouse's self-esteem.
• 30:05
  Yeah, I think anything that demeans their self-esteem, especially if it's like you're doing it all the time, right?
• 30:10
  Yeah, I mean if you're joking around once in a while, and you both know, and they know it and they're OK with it.
• 30:16
  Yeah.
• 30:17
  Totally different story, right.
• 30:18
  Yep.
• 30:19
  I think it's important in this one, though, to remember that your spouse's self-esteem is a massive part of a healthy marriage.
• 30:26
  That makes a really big difference when your spouse has high self-esteem.
• 30:31
  I don't know why any spouse would want to make their spouse have self-esteem.
• 30:35
  It's got to be an abusive thing.
• 30:37
  But you know what I mean.
• 30:40
  Marriages are happier when both people have high self-esteem, they're taking care of themselves, they are having hobbies and doing things that keep them happy.
• 30:50
  When you're happy, your spouse is happier, because you're bringing happiness and positivity into the marriage, right?
• 30:55
  For sure.
• 30:55
  So lift up your spouse more often.
• 30:58
  Love it.
• 30:58
  Invalidation.
• 31:00
  This is dismissing your spouse's feelings or experiences or thoughts as unimportant.
• 31:06
  Obviously that's wrong.
• 31:09
  When you don't, it shows your spouse that you really don't care what they think or how they feel, and that their things aren't important to you.
• 31:19
  So I think a lot of people would think of this as called emotional intimacy and validating that.
• 31:24
  So we hear from a lot of wives.
• 31:26
  I tell my husband what I need emotionally, but he just never listens.
• 31:31
  Like that can get to a point where it becomes partial toxic, right.
• 31:35
  Sure does, or very toxic.
• 31:37
  You have to validate your spouse's feelings.
• 31:40
  This next one is a huge thing Public humiliation.
• 31:43
  This is embarrassing your spouse in front of others.
• 31:46
  I think this is a big thing.
• 31:49
  This is something I would really really try not to ever do.
• 31:55
  It is really embarrassed like you in front of other people right, yeah, not cool, not cool.
• 32:01
  So that can be very humiliating and something that can be very hard to get over.
• 32:07
  I was going to say that would be very hard to forgive, and whether it's just a joke or something your spouse did that you thought was funny, but they were really embarrassed by it.
• 32:17
  And then you tell your friends or you tell them it didn't hurt with your friends or any kind of I don't know not OK, yeah, something that the grades are embarrassed as your spouse and I mean stay away from that.
• 32:30
  That hurts.
• 32:31
  And finally, the last one is using children.
• 32:33
  I don't think I hope there's not a lot of married couples.
• 32:36
  I mean this obviously happens in divorces, but most of our audience are not in divorces or separation.
• 32:44
  I mean, obviously you have pretty healthy marriages.
• 32:47
  I don't think this applies, but obviously this would be using your kids as pawns to kind of take sides in disagreements or different things like that.
• 32:59
  Trying to get your kids to take sides, I'm using them to manipulate the situation.
• 33:04
  I could totally see that happening yeah.
• 33:08
  But don't you think that probably is happening more with couples that are either divorced, or I mean that happens all the time with couples that are divorced?
• 33:15
  Oh, absolutely in divorce.
• 33:17
  But I think that kids can try, especially like teenagers can try, to kind of cause a wedge in between parents and using children.
• 33:27
  I don't know.
• 33:28
  Children, you gotta stick together as a team, right?
• 33:32
  You gotta be that rock.
• 33:33
  Don't let your kids divide you or use your kids to manipulate.
• 33:37
  When I think, if you listen to everything on this list, pretty much everything causes division.
• 33:44
  Everything on this list is me and you.
• 33:47
  It's separating, whether it's isolation or criticism, putting the other one down or controlling the other one or giving the other one silent treatment.
• 33:57
  If you look at this list, it really is separating you as a couple.
• 34:02
  If you can just think, how do we work together as a team?
• 34:06
  How do we do things together as a couple?
• 34:07
  How do we be on the same page as a couple and support each other?
• 34:11
  Doing things together, like you are on the same team, will really get rid of all of these issues that we just talked about.
• 34:19
  I think that's important is just working together, being on the same team, having the same goals and supporting each other, having each other's back at all times can really alleviate the things that we discussed today.
• 34:32
  It's when we get an individual I guess try to do things individually and not together that we're probably gonna fall under some of these categories.
• 34:43
  Oh, absolutely Yep.
• 34:45
  Good closing, good closing, good closing.
• 34:48
  Good closing.
• 34:49
  Good closing.
• 34:50
  I hope you enjoyed the podcast.
• 34:52
  Today we have our 2014 marriage retreat in March 21st to 24th, I believe, in St George, utah.
• 35:02
  We have limited spots available.
• 35:04
  This is an amazing retreat.
• 35:07
  Last year or I guess I should say previously, the earlier part of this year had a phenomenal turnout.
• 35:14
  People had a great experience.
• 35:16
  Just couldn't say enough good things about it.
• 35:19
  If you want to check out more information about our retreats, go to ultimateintimacycom.
• 35:24
  Slash retreats.
• 35:25
  Check it out, email us if you have any questions and we hope to see you there.
• 35:31
  Anything else before we wrap this up, baby.
• 35:36
  Nope, I just wanted to end on more positivity in your marriage.
• 35:42
  The more teamwork in your marriage, the happier the marriage.
• 35:46
  Yeah, If that retreat would be absolutely the best present you could give your stops this season.
• 35:53
  If you've never been to St George, it's one of the prettiest places in the world, not even exaggerating.
• 35:59
  Go check out the video at the bottom of the retreats page Type in St George and some pictures and.
• 36:06
  I think you'll be blown away.
• 36:08
  What a great anniversary gift.
• 36:10
  That's right.
• 36:11
  If your anniversary is in the next six months, that would be an amazing gift.
• 36:14
  I think our anniversary is a few months after, but maybe I could take you to the retreat for our anniversary, yeah, so we hope you all have enjoyed the podcast and until next time.
• 36:25
  We hope all of you find the ultimate intimacy in your relationship.