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5 things that can help with your family secrets · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, it's Doc David with Head Trink Inc., and today we're going to talk about family secrets and how you can deal with them.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Listen in.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Your ancestor life.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Related.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, it's Doc David again with Head Shrink Inc., and it is the first day of spring.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Can you believe it?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it is springy outside.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: I live in the Pacific Northwest, and it's been raining nonstop.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: So if you want to move here, remember that it rains a lot.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: I think I was listening, a friend of mine was saying, it's rained more in the last four months, I think, than it.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Or let's see, we're in March.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: So it's rained the last three months more than it did all of last year.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh, oh my goodness.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: I but I can believe that.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: It just does, it seems like it's been raining nonstop.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: So yesterday there was a brief um some rays of sun, and I went out and planted some fruit trees, and I have two beehives.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: One of my hives died, and the other one, they were out flying around.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: So spring is here, and it's a nice time of year.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's seasonably warm.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: So that's great.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: So we are not here to talk about spring, though.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, we are here to talk about family secrets.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: So what I do, um I'm a marriage and family therapist, and I go into houses and meet with families and couples and teenagers and parents that are having challenges with teenagers.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I've been doing that for about the last 18 years.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm licensed in the state that I live in and I have a PhD in psychology.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so a lot of my um work-related experiences have been about family secrets or or family trauma that has never been dealt with.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um but one of the things I want to address today is see is family secrets and how to deal with those secrets in order to bring them out into the open.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: So a lot of times family secrets, you know, when we talk about family secrets or when I hear it, it's usually something related to sexual abuse or some type of physical abuse.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: But but in reality, family secrets could be something as simple as, you know, sibling A and sibling B don't like each other, and but we don't tell anybody and we pretend, or we don't tell grandpa and grandma because grandpa and grandma would be upset.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so family secrets can run the gamut.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so one of the things that I try to do when I find out family secrets or is to let families know that I don't keep secrets.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's something that I think is very important when I go in and interact with families, is that sometimes I have to talk to a husband or wife separately, or sometimes I have to talk to a teenager and mom and dad separately.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I clearly let them know that I am not going to be a secret holder because I think that um the more that you can get your secrets out, the less emotional baggage you have.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I truly believe that.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: I think that when secrets are kept, it's like garbage that just kind of never gets taken out, and so it just sits and it just stinks and it it's emotional garbage.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so I I've come up with a list of um five things that I think you should do if you're brave enough in your family to to confront these secrets.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um and a lot of times people just don't know how to do it, and so they just don't, and they just kind of stay emotionally sick or drained because there's these secrets that are they haven't dealt with.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so this is not only for people that have secrets, but maybe you know a person that has a secret, and so maybe you can come alongside them and help them um kind of talk about the secret that is in their family.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: So the first thing that I definitely suggest, and it seems like a no-brainer, but it's something that I think a lot of people don't think about, is to get help.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: And that help could be in the form of a competent therapist, uh licensed therapist that has training and experience in in helping um people talk about difficult subjects, or it could be a family member that you trust, or it could be a friend that you trust that um has connections with a lot of different family members.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: So, I mean, I think it's important to get help when you keep finding yourself at a dead end, um, or you're unable to move forward in a in a positive manner in your life, and and you know when that is.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: Because I think that you just keep finding your if you keep finding yourself getting stuck and or getting uh triggered or upset about certain issues, um, that's when it would be important to go and seek help and figure out why is this happening.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: And there could be something that you didn't realize is a bigger issue going on in your life.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: So getting help uh to find out or to getting help to either find out what is that there may be a secret or to actually talk about a family secret is a definitely a crucial first step.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: So a second step is when when or if an issue gets brought up, and and we're talking secret more or less, but I mean if even if an issue got brought up that um you see stopping you and and kind of keeping you from moving forward in a positive manner, I think another step, and I have it number two, is to just simply acknowledge it.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um acknowledging something in your life is a way to give it less power over you.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's something that if there's something in your life that just permeates it, that's just constant.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: And if you can recognize, hey, this is a thing that I have an issue with and it relates to this, or it's because this happened to me once upon a time, you you give it less power.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: And if you can do that with the help of a friend or with the help of a therapist, um, it even gives it less power because then you have more people that you're surrounding yourselves with that know about the secret.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: So many times people are fearful to point to pinpoint the thing in their family life that has been hidden because it's there's a lot of turmoil that's going to surround it.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um you're going to go against the status quo.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: And there may be some family relationships that get broken up because of the secret that you um bring out into the light.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's usually because owning it creates changes, brings things into the light.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: And like I said earlier, when things are brought into the light, family relationships can be broken.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: And usually what happens, it depends on the kind of secret.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if it's a secret like I have an eating disorder, let's say, um that's not that's not a secret that potentially is gonna break up relationships.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of people are gonna come around you to give you support and try to help get you treatment, or if you say I have an addiction of some sort, that's usually not gonna break up uh a family unless you get to the point where you don't want help with your addiction, then people may have to do an intervention.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: What's usually gonna break up um families are when there's uh seek uh like sexual abuse that has happened that no one wanted to deal with, or there's some type of domestic violence or physical abuse that took place that no one wants to deal with.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Those are the like the more serious things that are gonna break up family relationships because you have some people that say, Yeah, I know that that happened, and you have other people that will say, You're just making that up because you don't like so and so.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's unfortunate because a lot of times i i i I think the bad part is that there have been actual people that have made up stories and broken relationships have happened, and it's been proven that the stories are made up.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: And there's so many of those, but then juxtaposed to the stories that where actual abuse has happened and people don't believe, and even if it's proven, some people don't believe.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: I I worked with a family where um the girl accused a stepdad of um sexual abuse and you know went through a whole investigation and and police got involved, and it turns out that you know the investigation was moving forward, and the dad denied, and some people didn't believe it, and they thought the girl was crazy, et cetera, et cetera.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: The dad ends up uh committing suicide, which then kind of makes you think, okay, maybe it did happen.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I've um known another case where that happened where these young two young girls were accused of their dad, and um the the investigation moved forward, and so then the guy was going to be taken to court and he ended up killing himself as well.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Now one could say, well, the the stress of having to go to court and defend yourself over this horrific accusation just some people can't bear, which is understandable, but I think most people want to be found or to be found not guilty or be vindicated, and so uh committing suicide tends to be kind of a a glaring um to me at least glaring evidence that there was probably some uh guilt that was there.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: But that we're getting in the weeds there.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: So I acknowledge it is uh is kind of the basic thing that I think you should do.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: So a third thing I think that um you should do is gather others around you.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: So you're not the only one that's burdened by this secret pain that's been that was created in your family.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: There's gonna be others who suffer and they suffer silently, and especially if you have a family that doesn't talk about difficult issues, there's gonna be others that they're just waiting for someone to talk about this secret so that they can get comfort and camaraderie in their life.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so maybe you'll be the first one to acknowledge the secret.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um the bravery it takes to do this can be useful to others who are not brave, and and it's a very courageous act to be the first one to acknowledge, yes, there's this issue that hap has happened or continues to happen in our family.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: So you potentially know that there may be others.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like I when I work with families, I often when there is a secret, I often hear, well, cousin so-and-so said it happened one time, or uncle so-and-so, or aunt so-and-so.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so there's there's stories in families about these secrets, but no one has addressed them.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so one thing you could do is you could approach the person who you've heard maybe knows something about the secret, um, and talk to them about it.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: And do it with help.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: Don't just do it alone, unless you're really brave, I suppose, but it's going to be helpful to get others to go with you and others that believe you and that are really supportive of you.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the support can make you and others more courageous to face your family secrets.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I th I truly believe that when people face their family secrets, like I said earlier, is that it lifts a lot of um burden off a person.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: And even if relationships and family break up, the fact that they're able to lift this emotional burden off of themselves makes them just uh feel better in life and move forward in a more positive manner and not stay stuck.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um number four, so once once you have begun the process of dealing with a painful or secret in your life or a moment in your life that's keeping you stuck, you have a choice.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um and this is where a lot of people m make a mistake of dwelling on the secret or the issue that happened to them.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's definitely difficult to get over challenging issues in a family, especially if it's a family secret that no one wanted to talk about.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um but moving forward from them is super important because if you don't move forward from it, then you become stuck and you'll stay stuck.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so uh being stuck for a long period of time is is okay um you know, as you're processing through whatever it is.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: But if you stay stuck, it's gonna become it's like in the process of talking about the secret and dealing with it, you become stuck again because you can't get past talking about the secret, if that makes sense.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: So it takes just like anything, it takes effort to move through things.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: You're not gonna do it flawlessly, it's not gonna be easy.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it just simply won't happen just because you want it to.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be like there's gonna be work that's involved to actually get through it.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm gonna encourage you that if there is a secret that you have, that you don't dwell on it, you you acknowledge it, you find ways to be to protect yourself and your family if you need to, and then you move forward and don't let the secret um keep you from moving forward anymore.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: Um so and number five, and there's gonna be lots of different things, but these are like five things that I've just found to be useful and as I've worked with families, is don't give up.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: So as one confronts uh family secrets or pain in their lives, they'll definitely run into roadblocks.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: You may run in, like we talked earlier, you'll you'll run into family members who don't believe you, who want to end relationships with you.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: You may um run into roadblocks related to like legal issues, or a lot of times it's like if there's sex abuse that has ha taken place in the past, statute of limitations um gets in the way.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: So you you don't feel like you can bring justice to what took place.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: And that's potentially a roadblock, and and and what I found is that people just want to give up because it gets too difficult.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: And what's the point?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: I think the point is is bringing this information into light because whether or not it gets dealt with legally, it's something that allows you to move forward emotionally um in your life.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think that that's an important thing to remember is that to not give up.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_01: There's a lot of emotional pain that can be involved when one attempts to confront um hidden things in their lives, and so that emotional pain is gonna stop you in your tracks every once in a while, and that's okay.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: I think again, acknowledging it that this is something that has happened, and this is something that you need to get through, and it's something that's not gonna define you and stop you anymore.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um if you think, you know what, I might have some secrets or stuff going on in my life that I need to get dealt with, um, reach out to me.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: My email is headshrinkinc at gmail.com, and I can put you in contact with maybe some local resources that would be helpful for you.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um I'm in the Pacific Northwest, but Google has uh allowed the world to be available to somebody.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: So if you live in another part of the country and you think that there's some challenges that you may need to deal with, feel free to email me and we can have a conversation and I can point you in a good direction of a of a professional resource or uh somebody that's competent that can possibly help you deal with any issues that are going on in your life.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so that's headshrinkinc at gmail.com.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: If you want to hear more about um me or my podcast or kind of see what I do, feel free to check me out at davidsimonson.net or docdavid on facebook.com.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: Enjoy your spring and we will talk again soon.