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Why Honest Conversations Are Rare, Relationships and Attribution Bias - EP005 · Freedom Flip

• 0:00
  When something positive happens, I assume it's me. I'm the man, I did it. When anything goes wrong, it's him, it's her, it's them. It's fundamental attribution bias. A human bias that almost all humans have. At 76% of the time anything goes bad, we assume it was someone else.
• 0:17
  Tell me the one thing that your kid loves so much to do and to accomplish. Chess. Chess. Fantastic. So he wants to be an incredible chess player, I guess. He wants to win tournaments. What happens if you have bad concentration in a chess tournament? What happens if you didn't sleep very well? What happens when you eat a lot of sugar? Oh, then your concentration is... Oh, you spike and then you splash. You lose. What's wrong with the concept happy life, happy wife?
• 0:45
  Is your wife actually happy when you try and do this? Let's say you're Billy. Hey, Billy. And what percentage of the time is your wife happy today in your relationship? 70. Okay. 75. She just keeps busting my balls. I don't know why. My nuts are shrinking. It's tough. And it's not the winter. 70% of the time, you're just getting destroyed. She's not happy. You're not happy. What if we do the opposite? Like what? What if we allow her?
• 1:09
  How are you, brother? Good, man. A week of bad sleep with a nine-month-old that's sick, but we're surviving. The worst part is when you have a young one. Surviving? Sleep is definitely one of the needs. What could you have done if you go back in time whenever the first night of bad sleep started? What could you have done in order to prevent the bad week of sleep that you have? It's a good question. Let's think about the question first. That assumes I want to prevent it.
• 1:34
  I'm forcing you to prevent it. Yes, play along. I want to flag that I don't want to prevent it. And then I'll answer your question. This puts us in two directions. One is why you don't want to prevent it. But why don't you play along first? Yeah. And then we can go back to spiritual elevated assumption that you don't want to prevent it because you are beyond matter and spirit.
• 1:54
  The first three children, we had help. We did it all ourselves every single day. You did not have help, yes. We did not have help at night while we're sleeping. On the fourth one, we did night help. There's two types. One's a night nurse. That's actually somebody who is a nurse that knows more than you could ever believe about kids. The second would just be a night nanny. And that's somebody who's just there to rock the baby. If a mother is not breastfeeding, then the mom doesn't even need to wake up. If the mom's breastfeeding, all they do is wake up, breastfeed, and hand it back.
• 2:17
  All right. Now that you told anything that I didn't ask, fantastic. At six months, we stopped. Baby's nine months. Our baby has basically slept through the night for the last three months. She got teeth coming in. She got RSV, which is kind of the worst virus, the highest likelihood of death for an American, at least in America, baby. RSV, teeth coming in. Oh, and two ear infections, massive ear infections. So at the same time, she got smoked. All three things.
• 2:39
  Basically, she wouldn't sleep unless she was held for most of the week. And even when she's held, sometimes not sleeping. Yeah, so it's just a really bad week of sleep. Well, I just want to flag to the audience how Peter deflected the question that I asked. He did not answer what I asked, which is usually a yellow flag. I wouldn't call it a red flag. I want to give Peter the benefit of the doubt. But it's a yellow flag for me. So that's when I'm like, okay, interesting. There is something there. Because I ask a very simple question.
• 3:06
  Not only did not answer, he gave a whole speech about what a ear infection is. Like nobody fucking cares, right? All the reasons, nobody cares. And also he started by saying, hey, by the way, I am so spiritually elevated. That assumes that I want to prevent this. I don't want to prevent this.
• 3:22
  I take this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's go back. And for those that know me, you know that I don't let go. Once I smell it, I'm like, hmm, interesting. We have something here. Let's just go. The first one is it's a bad question and we need to remember. No, no, you don't like the question. I get it. It triggers you. I hear you.
• 3:39
  I think it is a bad question because it assumes that I would want to change. But if I didn't want to change, you just have a night nanny or a night nurse. And then they're rocking the baby through the whole night. That's it. I want to bring it down to the ground level for people that are not billionaires like you. I'm not a billionaire. I fly Spirit Airlines and Allegiant Airlines. Yeah, because you own them, of course. No.
• 3:58
  Try to answer the question in the following way, okay? If you don't like the question, that's fine. Sometimes in life, you need to deal with things that you don't like, right? Before we started the podcast, you said that we need to get stronger, we need to suffer more and so on. So just take it as an exercise, okay? This is not real life. This is just an exercise. Maybe this will help someone, okay? So don't be so selfish. Only thinking about you, right?
• 4:18
  So let's just go back to the simple question. You don't have the possibility to get a night nanny. Try to enter in that reality. This is going to happen, right? Tonight, you're going to go through a very challenging sleep time this week because your kid is going to be sick and is going to have all the things that she had. So what could you have done different so your sleep was better than what it was?
• 4:42
  reframing it i like for someone who can't afford or does not believe they can afford whether they can or can't a night nanny or night nurse i actually think the best answer is co-sleeping which is do you know what co-sleeping is no co-sleeping is the baby being in the bed with you now she's over nine months so she's passed a lot of the real flag stages if you look at the fear of mammals humans are like the only one that don't have their children sleeping with them in the whole mammal kingdom right wow i didn't know that
• 5:09
  Yeah, think about it. And then you as the infant mammal, if you can't smell your mom and dad, you assume you could be a mile away. And what are you when you're a mile away? You're someone's lunch or dinner. You're a predator's lunch or dinner. So the deep fear. So in my opinion, a lot of people are uncomfortable. Most of the data when you dig in against co-sleeping is deaths, right? Why is that?
• 5:30
  A parent rolls onto the kid, right? Especially, let's say sub nine. Mine's nine months old, so she can really move. She can move blankets off of her. She's like way more functional. Most of those people are obese or heavy smokers or have some extra factor going on that creates an environment, right? Because for most of human existence, we slept with the baby on our chest. We slept with them kind of right up against us. That to me has been the best improvement. Like last night, she was co-sleeping for two hours because every time we'd put her in the crib, she'd just start crying. The moment she's held, she'd stop.
• 5:58
  The moment she's laying next to one of us in the bed, in between us to be exact, she'd stop crying. And then we let her sleep there for two hours, regulate her nervous system, come to a calm place, and then I moved her back, or maybe my wife in that case, moved her back last night, and she slept through the night. That was the first time she slept through the night in like seven days. So we hadn't slept more than an hour and a half, two hours at a time for most of the week.
• 6:19
  So because you let her sleep with you guys, you felt that, okay, something changed here and maybe she felt more calm, her nervous system calmed down, and that's why it allowed her to fall asleep. Is that the assumption? We were already doing a lot of that.
• 6:35
  But she didn't have medicine. We gave her antibiotics, which I don't love doing for under one. But the ear infections were so bad. Combined with the teeth coming in, combined with RSV. I mean, these are like three trucks. These are three of the hardest things that a sub-one-year-old goes through. And she had all of them the same week. So she's getting smoked. So we would let her sleep in the bed. But prior, you'd take her back and boom, she's right up. Okay. So we'd do two hours and she'd wake up. Got it. Good answer. Do you see, Peter? It's not that difficult.
• 7:00
  Let me address the question. I think because we all, many of us went to school, it was like, teacher has a question, raise your hand. Whoever answers the question gets right. So we're assuming we should answer every question. And I'm really practicing the thing of like, there are questions that are leading or too direct or too specific. And it's like questioning, flipping it. Let's flip it to freedom. Should I answer this question? Is he asking the right question?
• 7:22
  What does he really want to understand? Period. And not just about yours, just in general, I'm trying to do this. Rather than just say, okay, I'm student, teacher's asking me, because we're programmed, just to immediately give that answer to whatever question was posed from whoever it was. All right. Bullshit. But yeah. No, I'm kidding.
• 7:40
  Hey, I have a topic for today. Sorry, one thing. I agree with you that sometimes there are questions, very few times I would say there are questions that are malice or negative in essence that I refuse to answer. So if someone says, okay, just picture this. What would you do if your business just collapses and goes bankrupt? It's like, no, fuck you. I'm not going to answer that. I'm not going to bring that energy in my life.
• 8:04
  What happens if your spouse dies? It's like, fuck you. We can talk about what happens if your spouse dies, if you want. But we're not talking about mine. So I don't want that kind of vibration in my field. So those are the questions that I reject. Now, when you ask me an introspective question, like the one that I asked, I think that it wouldn't be smart to just reject it. I think that you answer, you didn't fully answer, I would say. But at least I got to learn something that,
• 8:30
  Because I am thinking, okay, Peter just had a bad experience. This may happen to me in the future. But you assumed it's a bad experience.
• 8:36
  Yeah, definitely. I don't agree with that. Okay, this opens another doors is the way that you behaved the last week, at least the conversations that we had, was not, I would say, the normal Peter. It was a weird Peter. It was a suboptimal Peter. So I think that, cool, you want to be suboptimal Peter? Go for it. Or you want that I experience you as suboptimal Peter because that's my experience? Then go for it. But I don't think that that's what you want. I think that you want to show up at the real Peter. I don't care, whatever you say.
• 9:06
  This is my interpretation of this reality. Yeah. So I know that I want to show up at my best. And I'm like, I don't want to show up like that because I am sleep deprived. And I know that in my case, when I'm sleep deprived, I don't want to say I show up terrible. No, no. I don't show up really at the level that I know that I can show up.
• 9:26
  So I want to be showing up at the level. So therefore, if there is something that I can avoid with a new piece of information that I was not considering because I don't have kids, I never experienced that. I'm like, man, that's an amazing thing.
• 9:41
  I'm not saying, okay, got it. When they keep kind of learn, then I just put it in my, that's it, problems. It's like, no, but that's a piece of information that I did not have. And that's what I was asking. It's like, hey, what is your lesson? That's basically the crux of the matter in the question. What did you learn from this? Rather than, no, nothing. I didn't want to change anything. And all superior and so on. A couple of assumptions you're sliding in. A couple of what? Assumptions. Please. Who am I trying to show up best for? You kept saying show up for your best. For whom?
• 10:10
  For yourself first, and then for your spouse, your family, and then friends and so on and so on. That week, there was one person I was trying to show up my best for. That's it. Your daughter? That's it. That's the only person I was showing up for. Some people may say that maybe that should be your wife. They're totally fine to believe that. Or some people may say it should be you first. You put your mask first. And again, not the COVID mask, right? The other.
• 10:34
  They're all entitled to do that. My feeling was first was her. Second was my wife. Third was me that week. I feel no regrets about, yes, somebody can say it's hard. For sure. That's what makes the experience so powerful. I don't want to say regrets, Peter, because that is, I understand that word. And that could be a word that is a little bit negative. But what are the lessons? What did you learn, right? Right.
• 10:55
  Now, that's a good question. What did you learn from the week, right? What I'm saying is I wouldn't want, knowing what I learned and what I have, there's not a single decision I would have made differently that I'm aware of. There's not one I'm saying, oh, man, we should have done X. Not even one single thing. From how we dealt with her? Wow. No.
• 11:14
  Wow. Okay. Like, I feel phenomenal. Now, did I get great sleep? No. It was every hour or two interrupted. But the bond, right, and especially to watch the mother-daughter bond, even when I'm holding her, like, I'd try and let my wife sleep. She'd start crying sometimes. She wanted one person, my wife.
• 11:31
  And in that moment, I agree with your deeper point, right? In that moment, then my priority is not my daughter. It's my wife. So I'm giving my wife a back scratch. Where can I get you water? How can I help? And now it's flipped, right? Where now she's fully focused on this little nine-month-old. I'm now focused on her. Now, if I wasn't sleeping at all, like if I was getting less than three or four hours of sleep, yes. Now I need to go in first place because I'm at this drink period. How many hours do you do? Four to six hours a night. And it was completely interrupted. So just little pieces together. Yeah.
• 12:01
  that stuff. All right. So thank you for sharing, Peter. I appreciate you. And I love you. Even when you're an asshole. You said that he had a topic. I was thinking about this. I met with a friend for an hour and a half last yesterday. The friend was watched both of our episodes on his own. Really cool guy. So really neat guy that I really respect. He gave a couple things first. And I love it in America. He went really positive, man, you guys have such great energy, you know, all the kind of same things. I watched it for him. I listened straight through. You guys are funny. It's fun. Learned a lot. Awesome. You know, I'm like, okay, thanks. Thanks. Thanks.
• 12:30
  And I kind of was thinking, hey, I should ask him because I try and flip it. I try and say, oh, thanks so much for this thoughts. What would you change? What would you improve if you could change one thing to open this door? Most people don't want to open the door. So now I've cracked it open. They can walk through or not. So we get into that right later. And he gave kind of three areas. He goes, well, one, he's like, Peter, I just want you to know, do you realize that I think you come up with this content and then Pablo just destroys it?
• 12:56
  Yeah, that's generally right. Like he's very good at cutting down. And it was kind of interesting because I had this epiphany of, oh, wow, I've spent six years reading books, like trying things, really trying to learn these things. And some of them I understand, some of them I don't, but I hear. And the fun part with you is I can throw it up. You can knock it down. I can bring it back up. You can bring it back up. And then we can crystallize like this nugget.
• 13:20
  That's like, hey, here is something that we both agree on that's truth. And he said that. He goes, you are both so focused on truth. That's your goal. You don't care if you're wrong or right. I said, yeah. Peter, this is something for you. I don't really know Pablo, but just listening. I know it's, I can see, feel, and know it's important for you. And it seems like it for him.
• 13:35
  The second one was it goes, I do. But sorry, what is it? Just stay on that one. So I can understand. So he's saying. That was one of all the positive. That's not anything. That's still a positive. OK, got it. So he likes that. I want to understand what he likes. I think he likes that. He did check in with me and he just goes, I want you to know that. Are you OK that he's destroying everything? I think what he was saying was he was like, dude, it's a lot like my former co-founder and business partner. That was how our relationship was. And I was like, you know, that's kind of how my co-founder relationship was.
• 14:01
  And I was like, it works really well. His thing, I think, was trying to pump me up to say, Peter, just know, even if he's destroying, like, I know you don't seem like you've ego, but you bring a lot of value with these insights. And I think that's why Pablo likes talking. Got it. So he's like, hey, Peter, you're enough. You're enough. It's okay. Don't worry. Well, I was like, yeah, dude, I don't worry about that. I will say, though, it did make me feel better. It made me feel good about it.
• 14:23
  You know, and he goes, it seems like you bring a lot of the topics. And I was like, yeah, I think I do. And I think Pablo really enjoys that. And these are things I'm naturally thinking about and I've read about or curious. And I said, it's been a good relationship because Pablo is really good about the more investment side of where should we invest our time or energy to make this right?
• 14:38
  How does it look? Yeah, I'm looking at the product market feed. Well, sorry, not product. I wouldn't call us the product, but it's like us as who we are. And then how does that fit and what needs to be tick, tick, tick, tick, tick? So, yes, exactly. Yeah, it's almost like I bring in the raw material. You can cut it. You will add to it as well. And I'm adding to it.
• 14:59
  Yes. But you are very good at putting in the package of saying, here's how we're going to package it and how it's going to look. And this is what people want to see. We're like, that's just not a strength of mind or a scale or something I'm good at or enjoy. But finding these raw material nuggets in my own mistakes, learnings, failures, or these books that I love consuming.
• 15:16
  And it was neat to crystallize that because I think we both kind of know this, but having someone who just watched two episodes say it back was like, oh, that makes sense. The part that I don't remember is because I know that you've been doing this in the last, I would say, couple of months in a very deliberate way. What I don't remember is the first three months last year or four months that we recorded last year. How did that go? We rambled more.
• 15:42
  I think we just talk about whatever, right? There was no direction. And you said, hey, I really like when you bring these things. I do it every day. I'm thinking about this stuff. So I just started listing them. It feels like play to list these topics, right? Like I have the one I think is most important today. I'll share and we can talk about whether or not we agree. The last piece that you remind me of this is I don't like some of our friends, I think, after a big event, go and like write it down and they like internalize it. I internalize these learnings best by ripping it back and forth with you. 100%.
• 16:10
  Like whether it's going to Cuba and thinking, what is it like seeing communism up close compared to capitalism? Like I'm not going to sit there and journal on it or I just don't. I'm not right now. That's not who I am. I love talking with you where you can say, wow, that's a Google insight. Are you sure you learned this? That then crystallizes the thought. And this is what I'm enjoying about the podcast is this is a chance for us to crystallize key learnings, challenges, losses, failures, successes in our life.
• 16:34
  to then memorialize it and actually memorize it? Because so much of us just skip through these golden nuggets, right? When someone gives you a piece of advice, you get punched in the face like last week without, you know, not sleeping with a nine-month-old. How do we, what you said, take away a learning from it? How do we package it to remember it and avoid that problem in the future and grow from it?
• 16:53
  I love that and I am the same. And that's maybe why we really like talking with each other. Because after the conversation, it's like, okay, I learned a lot. I am a better human than I was before I started the conversation. I think that's the main reason. I am very similar to you where I go to an event, I write a lot of things. I never look at them.
• 17:12
  There's a part of me that says, I would love to be like these guys that just sit down and then start. But I know that that's me. You were telling me about him. So he gave you the topics thing. Fantastic. Then? The topics. Then he asked, who are you guys going towards? And I said, look, all I want is for my kids and your kids. Right? Right.
• 17:33
  A cherry on top are people like you, right? He's at this interesting inflection point in his career, might go buy a business or, you know, start a business, not feeling free in a lot of ways. And he's like, okay, cool. I kind of thought that. Well, he's like, can I tell you a concern or a thought? He goes, when you guys are talking about jets and these things, I was like, dude, I don't own a plane. I just want to make it. And he's like, well, I thought you did.
• 17:55
  He's like, Pablo said this. And he goes, it's going to turn off a lot of people. And I said, interesting. My gut reaction, whether it's ego or defensiveness, I was like, I don't care. I was like, we're joking a lot of the time. If that turns people off, I don't care if they don't. Because actually, if I have to commit to it, I actually would rather help the people that are already shown some level of success and fully unleash them. I'd rather flip it and start top down and slowly move down. That's my own view.
• 18:22
  And then I reflected, I was like, I know Pablo, for example, he's way more excited and passionate about those people. Now, I do enjoy ones like this guy, right? He sold a small business. Then he did a nonprofit that he did amazing for nine years that was amazing that I got to benefit from. Now he's done VC for three years. He's ready to go find freedom. And he is asking about family life, hiring people, job switching. I was like, me personally, and I don't know if this aligns on Pablo's side, if I simplify it as a filter,
• 18:52
  right now and don't want to drink beer on the weekends. And those are the two things they look forward to most, combining them. Drinking beer and the big game. You said the people that are not, you said? The ones, the flip it. The people who are not that, I want to give them a platform and a place where they can feel like they have friends to talk about this stuff because they're just not interested in what 60, it feels like 60 to 70% of adult males want to focus on, which is this stuff. His advice was the stories you guys share. And I said, you know what? I don't know that I'm ready to change stories, but I appreciate you giving this kind of insight
• 19:22
  And I did read this quote from Benjamin Franklin today that said, you can get people to listen a lot better if they don't, they're not jealous of you or resent you, something like that. I was like, oh, that's interesting. None of these are things I'm set on doing. They're just a perspective. Just one thing for you to respond to him. I think it would be a good idea if you said to him, can you tell me what is the part of the private jet that bothered you or that turned you off? I think that's going to reveal, did he got triggered or he's just projecting that someone may get triggered?
• 19:49
  And also it's funny because we're just talking about, we are joking. It's amazing that people don't realize sometimes that we are joking. I mean, I say something, you're fucking laughing. I said the same thing you did. And then I said, oh, wait, many of them will just listen. They don't necessarily see us. They listen on Spotify, so they don't see my laugh. Which is interesting just to realize that the whole facial reaction is not necessarily part of the consumption experience.
• 20:11
  That's true. Sometimes you laugh in mute. Yeah, yeah. A lot of times I'm smiling or I'm... I don't want to interrupt. Well, because I also don't want to interrupt you speaking.
• 20:20
  I don't think that an interruption with a laugh is an interruption. I think that's a normal reaction of a conversation. What I took away from the comment is, and this is a good thing to do in life in general, is to laugh, but also flip it, right? Like, this is what I did today, and I'll always remind you, when Paulo says Peter's a billionaire, it's like, yeah, am I? I love Spirit Airlines. Like, how many billionaires do you know flying on Spirit Airlines? Well, no, you defended yourself. You said that you are not a billionaire. I'm not, yet. Ah, good. You just turned 50% of the audience off, Peter.
• 20:49
  Well, and that was my big key takeaway to him was like, he goes, where do you plan on going with viewership? And I was like, dude, it could just be my kids. Where do you go? What? Do you guys have a plan on viewership and who you're doing this for? And I said, no. Our kids and whoever wants to listen and get value. And yes, you need to understand noise versus signal. If he's projecting his own insecurities, doesn't fucking mean anything that we are turning people off. Let's go three options. One is noise. One is signal. One is it's both.
• 21:16
  There is an insecurity. There is an insecurity that's hid. And it is the case for him because... No, what I'm saying, Peter, is taking action on something that is noise. When you say both, to me, that's noise. Because in Signal, you have no noise. If you say that it's both, then it's mixed. It's still noise. Maybe it's a little bit less noise, but...
• 21:37
  It's just one data point of one single individual that who knows, this is why I'm saying, and this is the feedback that I gave you that I was trying to figure out last week with you when we were on the phone talking about a different topic is I don't really understand if this is noise or signal. It's just your opinion, your experience on one thing. That's what I need to do before I make a decision and I switch to one direction.
• 22:01
  It's interesting. This is a really fascinating topic and it actually ties in with what I'd love as a deeper topic today. If we say noise or signal, that falls in the absolute category. So what I would say is a noise, right? It's noise in their brain. No, no, no. It's noise for me.
• 22:17
  Noise for me. Okay. Sorry. Noise for me as a recipient. Yes. But from his point, right, if we have really high power, you know, awesome employees, leaders of companies that are ready to go feel free professionally, and they hear private jet, and in their mind, like, I am just paycheck to paycheck, even though I'm making 400 grand, 300 grand a year. What he's communicating or what he was trying to communicate is that turns him off from the distance between the two.
• 22:42
  Whether or not we want to do that, he wasn't judgmental. He's like, I don't know what your goal is. But as a recipient, as someone who likes a lot of this, it turns me off because that bridge feels too far. And then the Benjamin Franklin quote hit, right, is that's where it ties in this jealousy. Like I love when Elon always says, oh, people want to be me.
• 22:58
  My life is hell. I work 100 hours a week. And you'll see that's his first response to every time somebody says that. And I think that's him being truthful, but also realizing him saying like, well, you know, yeah, if I have to jump up to California for a meeting, of course I'm going to private jet. There's two different ways to say the same thing, right? He's saying, I'm working 100 hours a week. I'll go wherever I need whenever. And there's another, which is leading with a plane.
• 23:21
  Noiser signal, this is where the third option in my mind is, yes, might be noise, but there might be a large group that shares this perspective. And it's up to us to decide, right, in any discussion, not just the podcast or not just this. One more time, I think that it's the way that I see it for me to pivot, to make a change. I need to see clear evidence rather than catter the feedback from two dudes. Do you remember the third thing that your friend told you?
• 23:47
  He literally texts me and goes, I woke up at 4 a.m. wide awake, so I went down to do the dishes. I know you're going to tell me I should have had a robot or someone else do the dishes, but just I put on your podcast and I listened for two hours while I did all this stuff in the kitchen. And he said, one, I need to get my home in order. My wife doesn't want people and, you know, she's a stay-at-home mom. And two, I'm not fulfilled professionally and I'm trying to do this. It's clear a lot of the jet stuff and the money stuff comes from his father.
• 24:10
  His father was a sharecropper, never owned land until he retired, never owned anything, said never have debt. You know, had these beliefs. And I looked at him, I said, how much of what you're saying is your dad? And he started laughing and he goes, probably a lot. You were on the phone with him? No, no, in person. We did a walk for an hour and a half. We did a sauna session together, a walk. It was cool. And honestly, he's just one of those people that I get fired up about.
• 24:30
  I told him this directly. I said, in our state, you're one of the top 10 business people in terms of their potential that I know. You are an ideal person to set yourself free. And he went through a little bit that's like, well, how do you hire people? Because, you know, them do it. I can do everything myself. And I looked at him. I go, I can do everything. I choose not to because nobody becomes a millionaire by doing $10 an hour tasks.
• 24:51
  And these people I hire are excited for the roles. I'm letting them free into something they're passionate about. And you could see his belief system from what his dad says was holding him back. I just did 10 air squats. It's the best way to reduce your blood sugar after you eat. Is this proven or this is Brian Johnson bullshit? I don't consume the Brian Johnson stuff. I think it's reviewed to be the best way to lower your blood sugar within 20 minutes of eating.
• 25:12
  That would assume that you want to lower your blood sugar. What is it? 68% of people that are diabetic or pre-diabetic would not want to have that. That would assume that I don't want to have diabetes. I showed my oldest videos of what happens when you get legs cut off, feet cut off with diabetes. I just went straight for the killer. Because it's like, why mess around with like, sugar is bad. It's like, here's what happens. You want to lose your foot or your hand?
• 25:36
  There are two ways. Maybe there's a third one also. Stop eating sugar, right? Like, then the other one is in a more calm and peaceful way to show what happens when you eat a lot of sugars. You know, your feet get cut off. And you put this kind of like, well, wait a second. We ate a lot of sugar. Our feet are fine, right? Now? Now? Yeah, I don't know. All I'm saying is like, well, but now we are not eating as much sugar. Yeah.
• 25:58
  So I would guess that hopefully, fingers crossed, we're not going to get their feet cut off, right? But then what *** says is the one that she likes is she shows them whatever they want to do. Picture this. Tell me the one thing that your kid loves so much to do and to accomplish. Chess. Chess. Fantastic. So he wants to be an incredible chess player, I guess. He wants to win tournaments, I guess. So what happens if you have bad concentration in a chess tournament?
• 26:27
  What happens if you have bad alertness in a chess tournament? What happens if you don't have really good energy in a chess tournament? What happens if you didn't sleep very well in a chess tournament? What happens when you eat a lot of sugar? Oh, then your concentration is... What happens to the brain when you eat a lot of sugar? Oh, you spike and then you splash. Oh, yeah.
• 26:46
  Have you felt that before? Do you know what that feels like? Yes, son. I just wanted to show you this. You are telling that you really like to win in chess. So I just wanted to share this with you and then let him get the synapses in the brain and be like, holy shit, you know, I am not going to drink. Well, right. Your kid is too young. Right. But for example, for her kids, they wanted to build these companies. They wanted to be very successful.
• 27:09
  And they are, why am I going to be drinking, getting drunk, and then being all sloppy? And like, why would I do drugs? This is so stupid. This goes totally against what I want to do in life. What do you think about that? I love every part of it. It's positive affirmation rather than a negative affirmation. Well, but it's not only that. It's positive connected to their dreams.
• 27:27
  Yes. Not your dreams. Your dream is that they don't eat sugar, right? That's your dream. Well, their dream is a different thing. It's being chess champion or being very successful in this little business that they are starting or finding a great spouse and having a lot of kids. I don't know what is their dream.
• 27:45
  You as the parent, you need to figure out what are their dreams, right? And then you can use those dreams to show them what happens when you do X, what happens when you do Y, what happens when you do Z. Dude, think how cool that is? It flips. I want Billy to be a doctor. I want Sarah and Susie to do X. You flip it and say, no, what is their dream? Oh, you want to be Superman for a three-year-old? Okay. Do you think Superman eats this bad stuff? Can he still go save people?
• 28:13
  That's not a bad approach, but you are literally leading them to answer them yes. Give me feedback on it.
• 28:20
  You said Superman. Maybe you can bring, is that a real example for a three-year-old? And what do you want the three-year-old to stop doing? And then I can tell you how to do it. Let's say my four-year-old and three-year-old girls, they want to be ballerinas. They want to be ballerinas. And they are taking ballet classes. They're in class, yeah. Fantastic. And they really like it. They really enjoy it. And what is the bad habit that they have that you want to eradicate? Neither of them have the sugar thing like my, you know, they don't have the impulse like I do or my son has with sugar.
• 28:46
  You need to start by what is the habit that I want to eradicate, that I want to change. And how do you attach that to their dream? That I want to add. What is their dream? And then you attach them. It's beautiful. So, okay. With your daughters, you cannot think about anything. So forget about it. Let's just go with your son. So son, the goal, be incredible at chess. One of the bad habits that you want to eradicate?
• 29:06
  sugar consumption you know candy sugar okay right after basketball so the way that you you mentioned would be something like do you think that gary kasparov chess or carl's magnum or whatever his name is do you think that he eats sugar he'll be like i have no fucking clue maybe he does it's like oh shit yeah i saw him drinking a coca-cola i'm like fuck that maybe i need to drink coca-cola every day like jesus
• 29:32
  This didn't work out well. Fuck. Okay. Dude, there is a lot of times I'm like, wait, this is my problem too. Wait, wait, I'm bad at this. And my kid's probably just watching me copying it. A better way to do it is to say, got it. So if you want to be Garry Kasparov winning a chess, what are the qualities that you need to have? And let's just say that is somehow you ask a question that leads to, well, I need to feel with great energy. I need to have deep concentration. I need to be calm.
• 30:02
  Rather than with anxiety. Again, I don't know if your kid will be able to say those words. No, these are great. You get the point. And then the question is, great. I want to show you what happens to the brain and to the system when we add certain stimulants. Yeah. That's it. And then somewhere along the lines, he should be able to make the connection of like, oh, shit, eating Coca-Cola.
• 30:23
  or drinking Coca-Cola or eating sweets goes against what I really want, I'm just going to make the change now because I am much more motivated. He does not see the connection between shoveling a bunch of sweets in his mouth and how that is lowering his chances of achieving his dreams. He does not see that. And many of us as adults still don't or in a weak moment don't.
• 30:48
  The difference is that as kids, they have a way better chance of removing a habit. Than we do. We've been doing this for decades. So it's a little bit harder. This reminds me why I thought about this last week or two. I want to hit kid stuff and mask of feminine with her and pull these out of her.
• 31:04
  I think those are two areas of brilliance for her. There's no one I've met in person that I learn more about on the childhood side than her. I've read a lot of books. I've researched a lot. I've spent six, seven years digging into it on my own. And the only one I've met so far that I've been like, oh, wow.
• 31:21
  I'm really upgrading my parenting by listening to her. And I think capturing that, pulling it out of her. You had another friend that told you something you said? My other friend, he never actually got to the feedback. He and his wife, they listened to our podcast. The first one out, first, second one back. That's awesome. They really enjoyed it. They were like, yeah, what was this dinner that you left that was...
• 31:39
  Did I make it that clear? They were like, yeah, yeah. Like you left because her parents invited a bunch of friends over. And I was like, oh, that's not going to be an easy conversation. And I'm glad I communicated it. I think I should have just probably shielded a little bit more to say I was at a family event. Maybe they're just smart and they maybe not. I don't know. Maybe I wasn't. Or maybe that's an opportunity for you when they ask you to be like, yeah.
• 32:04
  Yeah, this is what happened. Beautiful flip. Beautiful flip. So his wife was like, what the hell? Peter does this all the time. Peter does what? Walk in or walk out? Okay. I just show up. I'm the friend that shows up during their family dinners. The uninvited guy. The uninvited. Now, and I said, here's the difference.
• 32:19
  If I show up during your family dinner, then yeah, you can just leave or tell me to leave. In this instance, it was a family dinner that we were not told these guests would be joining. And suddenly the host was saying, can you get the kids outside? Can you get the kids to quiet down? That's a complete shift of what we had agreed to. And this is something I've really learned that you've been a great influence is if, and this is what my friend said. He goes, yeah, and if you don't respect yourself, then no one else will.
• 32:47
  And that was the nugget he took away that was so powerful. I said, exactly. Because if I don't say, hey, I was really excited for a family dinner. This is no longer a family dinner. You have invited, you know, friends over. I hope you have a great night. I didn't sign up for this. This is a different path. It's a new event that I'm not going to, even if I'm here right now, I'm going to go ahead and decline or remove myself. And I hope you have a great night.
• 33:08
  And that's the conversation that when people step up and do that, then their relationships are better. Then everybody's clear. And a lot of times when I didn't do that, and I still don't, it's out of fear. It's out of worrying about someone's feelings and how they may or may not react. When that's all me blaming them. That's all me convincing myself they can't handle a big boy or a big girl conversation. That's my fault, not theirs.
• 33:29
  Now, even in that situation, I didn't handle it well because I should have been more clear with my wife to say, hey, babe, I'm going to go. Here's what happened. And this is where the noise and signal, where like most of the criticism I got about that, I think is noise. There was one piece of signal, which is I could have, should have, and will try to communicate directly. If I brought someone to the event and the event changed,
• 33:50
  I should give the person I brought a heads up like, hey, this is different. Do you want to leave? Because I'm going to leave. And I failed on that. So that's the piece that's a signal for me. A lot of it was noise, which is like, well, you should have stayed. No, it was a new event. When I was in school, I remember learning this concept, fundamental attribution error.
• 34:07
  And the other term I use for it is fundamental attribution bias. F-A-B. Like I'm fab. This is how I remember it. I'm fab. Like I'm the man. Or a girl would say, I'm fabulous. Right? So F-A-B. What is F-A-B? Fundamental attribution bias says when something positive happens, I assume it's me. I'm the man. I did it.
• 34:27
  When anything goes wrong, and they do with a great analysis that shows like 82% of the time positive I attribute to me. And then when something's negative, it blows up. It's him. It's her. It's them. And that is a human bias that almost all humans have. And, you know, whatever, 76% of the time anything goes bad, we assume it was someone else. When we learned this concept, when I first heard that, I was like, that's wrong. I don't do that.
• 34:51
  Like, that's not me. Like, yeah, sure, everybody else does that. And I thought, oh my gosh, what if I do? What if I am doing this? And this is a flip, right? So why don't I just play this scenario that is me? Maybe I am the one that's doing the same thing as a lot of these, you know, dumb humans that not me, I'm not dumb, right? That couldn't be this guy. Let's just think that I might. So how do I create a filter or a process to do it? So the first one is when somebody says something went wrong and says it's my fault,
• 35:18
  Our immediate response is assume they're wrong, defend, deny everything. I try and create the rule now in my head, automatically assume they're right. Flip it. Just assume they are right and go with they are right, I am wrong. Because there's this bias that exists that may sneak into my brain. And when I assume they're right, it's been wild. Because so few humans expect to hear like, hear a response of, oh, tell me more. Oh, that's interesting that you saw I dropped it, I left it, I forgot it.
• 35:45
  Now, do I do this well with my family and wife? No, like huge improvement there. With most friends and humans, do I do well? Probably 80% of the time. Only because I'm working this muscle, it's like going to the gym. Because it hurts. It's not fun to do. But it's probably the most powerful tool I've learned in my own life of arsenal. Let's flip to something. Let's go another scenario. When someone offers me something positive, for me, I have a poor memory, right? I can't remember stuff. Really poor memory. But when people offer me something...
• 36:12
  I think that you have a great memory. That's an interesting limiting belief phrasing that you're using. Let me be clear. I'm really good at faces. I'm really good at people's stories. You're very good at concepts. You find a way. You create these acronyms. Why do I do that? Flip it. Some people may say because you have a bad memory. Some other people may say because you found that that's the best way for you to be able to internalize and crystallize a lot of concepts.
• 36:37
  Totally. To retain it. And I like your twist, right? I like your flip. My son said this yesterday. I made a really bad move in chess. I go, oh, that was a dumb move, Peter. He goes, don't say that was dumb because then your body's going to take that in and it's going to be mean to itself. It's going to be hard on itself. Wow.
• 36:52
  And I go, who told you that? It's babysitter. Phenomenal. Okay, so fundamental attribution error bias. If we just assume that we're going to be guilty of it, let's think of driving, right? And that in the future, people are going to listen and say, why would you ever drive a car? You're not supposed to drive a car. That was dumb. They texted and drive. They drank and drove. Back when people used to drive. Sorry, how do you drive a car? They don't have steering wheels anymore. Like, what? What?
• 37:13
  Man, these guys are old. Back when people would drive horses, cars, you know, these things. If someone was going slower, we say, oh, they're an idiot. They're going so slow. If someone goes faster than us, we say, oh, they're a maniac. They're driving way too fast. Like we convince ourselves we are at the right speed and everyone around us is in the wrong speed. So let's apply that now to our life. But my assumption is I'm remembering it incorrectly.
• 37:37
  So if someone offers me something and they're like, yeah, I mentioned that to you. I said to read that book or I said this thing. I assume I can't remember it correctly and I need to thank them. Right. So I'll immediately go, oh, I forgot you mentioned that. That has been so helpful because if someone shares a golden nugget. Right. And this isn't just for me. Right. It's wow. Wow. Peter wants to get credit for these two things. Peter is bringing back something that we spoke in therapy. We go to a therapist together. Right.
• 38:04
  Couples podcast therapy. Couples podcast therapy, which has been phenomenal for our relationship. The way he looks at me now, it's just, we're back. When both people are laughing, this is a thing I use in my life, that means we've gotten over whatever it is. That's the goal. Are you ready for my response? To my memory, it was a ramp. Wait, I want you to respond to the fundamental attribution error. How could I communicate that better? Does that make sense?
• 38:30
  My reaction to fab is it's very, very fucking good. It's incredible. I think that is phenomenal. And I can definitely see in myself putting the guard up and be like, oh, I'm right. They are wrong. Like that's that's where it goes first. Not always, but many times. And same for all of us. I can become good at asking the question. Oh, OK, but tell me more. But I am still thinking like, oh, they're wrong.
• 38:53
  This is the, am I being curious, really curious about it, or I am just trying to prove them wrong? And I think that I am kind of, quote unquote, being curious, but in fact, I really think that they are wrong. So I want to ask certain questions to validate what I am saying, what I think that is that they are wrong.
• 39:12
  Which many times it happens, but also many times may not happen because I am still guarded. So I like the idea. And I've been hearing this. This has been resonating. Several people in the group that we are together in this community, they share this feedback of one person said, for example, with this, this is a great one. He said, with my wife, I have a very clear way that I interact with her, which is,
• 39:38
  Every time that something happens, in my brain it goes, she's right. She's right. I am wrong. Which is total flip from what we really think, which is, I am right. What are you talking about? I'm right. You are wrong. And when he said it for the first time, I'm like, uh, no. This is the internal reaction. He was not talking to me. He was talking to all of us, right? The internal reaction is like, uh, no, no. But what if when she says this? What if when she says that? I'm like, oh, shit. Okay.
• 40:07
  thing hit on something right and i am i am still processing that then another person shares something also very very interesting which is i took full responsibility and i still take full responsibility of the happiness of my partner so when he she is unhappy this is my responsibility
• 40:28
  Which to me was like, what are you even saying? And I can see you right now processing this. Because I'm like, that's the same reaction. Like, what are you talking about? Like, she's responsible for her own happiness. And then when this person kept explaining the way that I connected this...
• 40:46
  This is all my fault. Because when I say this is all my fault, what I mean is it's all in my power. It's all. I have the power to change this dynamic, to change this process, to change this outcome. That's what I mean when I say this is all my fault. But for some reason, when it comes to my wife, I don't say that. Oh, interesting. Okay. Why wouldn't I say that?
• 41:11
  well, ego. That's my ego that is getting in the middle. Or the same thing when someone is giving me feedback about something and I'm like, oh, this is a... I am not saying they are right, I am wrong. So what you are mentioning here just connects so much what I have been processing in the last, I would say, two weeks, three weeks that I started to hear. And everything started with this person sharing about how this person deals with the spouse. He was saying, my wife, she's always right. I am always wrong.
• 41:40
  It triggered me so much. It was just sort of fascinating. Fascinating. I'm like, okay, that's... And that's what I am learning about myself is that when I get triggered and this person is not really attacking me, this person is just sharing his experience, okay? This is the funny thing. He's sharing his own fucking experience. And I am getting so triggered. Why? Because it's touching a nerve. It's touching an open wound that I have not figured out yet. That's a blessing. Okay?
• 42:07
  Yes, it's a gift. A lot of what you said is just a mic drop moment. To me, I would now call it the fundamental flip. The fundamental flip, right, is to say positive thing happens. I'm going to give them credit or recognize they shared with me the great idea or point to how they helped along the way. Right. Negative thing happened. I'm going to I'm going to flip. I'm going to own that. I'm going to point at myself first. Right.
• 42:28
  And this is the trick that I try and use whenever something goes wrong. Here's the new way to think of it. Something goes wrong, go talk to the person that was involved and start with myself. Hey, I would have done X, Y, and Z differently. And I think we would have had a different outcome. It is amazing to then just watch the guard melt and the ego melt in the other person. And then when they see that, they actually want to defend. And they say, no, Peter, you didn't know about X and Z. You couldn't have.
• 42:55
  Yeah, maybe you could have done Y, but X and Z, that was my fault. And I want to do this differently. And guess what? That conversation, over. Two minutes. Boom. We move on. When I come in and show up, you did X, Y, and Z wrong. The whole project's delayed. Guess what? War starts. This is her up. You know, I think about, I watched a hockey game. It was like an Olympics game.
• 43:15
  And it's like they throw their pads off, their sticks down, and fists her up. When I start without thinking of the fundamental flip and fab, fundamental attribution error, mitts are off, sticks are down, we're fighting. And when we're fighting, I just burned an hour of my life, probably without solving the problem, the root issue. Whereas if I flip it, fundamental flip, fundamental attribution error, and start with, I did this wrong, and I own it, and it's on the table—
• 43:40
  The other person physically has a hard time listening to an error. And this is actually another concept that's super interesting. It's a requirement in our brains to correct the record. When we hear an incorrect statement, we want to correct the record. So when they hear Peter take blame for all three, and it's really, you know, one is my fault and two are kind of on the line, they want to correct the record and say two of these were actually them. And then it's done. And I just saved 45, 50 minutes of my life. The relationship is built.
• 44:07
  And it's all just a flip that we all want to blame them. That's just a wire. It's a bug in the software and hardware of our brain. But if we can recognize it and start working through the muscle, your life will change forever. Boom. Mic drop. Love it. That was an incredible one. And it's funny because now challenging this, let's flip it. The challenge I have is the statement of happy wife, happy life, right?
• 44:31
  And I think some of this actually goes to, I no longer make decisions. I'm going to allow all decisions to be made by one person, right? And they're going to make all decisions for me. That is in conflict with this where, hey, I've made a decision and I'm not taking credit, right? Or I want to defend the good thing was all me and the bad thing was all them. This is a very different concept. On this second one, it's helpful.
• 44:56
  I have to assume the other person is right in that scenario. But that's because I made the original decision. The root issue with, I believe, happy wife, happy life is to look at that and say, well, I'm not even going to make a decision. I'm just going to sit back and let them decide everything. I think that builds resentment. I think that builds this level of I'm not deciding my life. That's a different conversation. So I want to make sure we're keyboard warriors. Let's talk about happy, happy life, happy wife. Did you speak about this?
• 45:20
  Probably, but some of these things we should repeat anyway. Okay, let's just talk about that because I think it connects. Maybe let's clean it up a little bit more so that way it can connect directly from fab. Concise and connecting ways so that way we can connect the conversation into happy wife, happy life.
• 45:37
  So fundamental attribution error says we as humans fundamentally attribute or assign credit in the wrong way. So when it goes well, it was all me. When it goes wrong, it was all his fault. That's a fundamental error humans do. We probably do it the worst with our wives, with our best friends, with the people we spend the most time with. So the trick is to just assume that I'm attributing the success or failure incorrectly.
• 46:02
  So when one of my best friends, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend says, Peter, I think you did this wrong. I should start with assuming they're right. Or when they say, hey, I did this right. Assume it was them. And start with that is the best way to start. A separate topic. Happy wife, happy life. You don't need to re-explain because you already said it before, right? Now it's making the transition. So we talk about how you just want the transition.
• 46:26
  Yeah, because we need to talk about happy life, happy wife, happy wife, happy life, whatever we call it. I think the challenge is when somebody hears fundamental attribution error, they think, oh, that means my wife's always right. My best buddy's always right. Just let them make, they're always right, is different from let them make every decision. One of them is reflecting on what happened. The other is how you decide to go forward.
• 46:48
  Okay, so wait a second for the audience here. Peter and I, we do not agree with the concept of happy life, happy wife. We do not agree with the phrase. We do not agree with the concept. But what we want to talk now is how Fab different from happy wife, happy life. Because it may happen that right now a couple has been listening to this and maybe the wife is looking, do you see? Or the husband is like, oh yeah, that makes sense. Happy life, happy wife. That's exactly what I've been repeating.
• 47:17
  We're like, no, no, no, no, wait a second. Stop it. It's tattooed right here on my wrist and my forehead. So I'm just going to put myself in the position of the husband that is like, what do you mean? Stop it. Like, so Peter, what's wrong with the concept happy life, happy wife or happy wife, happy life? Is your wife actually happy when you try and do this? Is she happy now?
• 47:40
  Well, that's not my problem, right? I don't suffer from this. Let's say you're Billy. Hey, Billy. Wow, yes. Happy wife, happy life. That's fantastic. Oh, wait a second. No? Peter, why not? Billy, I just ask, are you trying that right now? Yeah, that's exactly what I do. What percentage of the time is your wife happy today in your relationship? I don't know. She just keeps busting my balls. I don't know why. All right, so give me a number. 80% of the time, she's coming at you? I'm not very good with math, but let's say 75. Like a lot. My nuts are shrinking. It's tough. And it's not the winter.
• 48:09
  Billy, if that's not working, so 70% of the time you're just getting destroyed, she's not happy, you're not happy. What if we do the opposite? Like what? What if we allow her, you to decide your path of things you want. And you still can let her decide the path of things she wants. But you take ownership. You don't allow her to make these decisions for you.
• 48:28
  Well, for example, I like to watch football on Sunday, right? Like, I really like it. I really like it. It's something that I did all my life, and it's cool, and he just doesn't like it. So we end up, you know, watching The Bachelor. Well, and you like The Bachelor, Billy? No. Do you hate The Bachelor, Billy? A couple of chicks are hot, but I wouldn't hate it. One out of ten. Where's The Bachelor on one out of ten?
• 48:51
  One and a half. One and a half. All right. Billy, you're going to die, son. Pack in as much Bachelor before you die. Is that your goal, son? Is this what you're optimizing for? That's where you start crying. All right, Billy. You've clearly gotten a lot of emotions out of The Bachelor. It's affecting you. I think your wife deserves to watch The Bachelor. That's wonderful.
• 49:08
  But that's her choice. And that's something she wants to do as a hobby. You have decided to relinquish your hobby, the game, the playing, the sports, watching the football, instead to choose her hobby. You likely did that subconsciously because of this phrase, happy wife, happy life. But you relinquished yourself, your identity, your power to do something you find joy in, you find peace in. Do you think that's the right decision, Billy?
• 49:34
  Well, ain't working, so. So to me, the idea would be, what if you let her watch The Bachelor while you watch the game in separate rooms? And then. Well, but she says that, you know, we need to spend more time together. Beautiful. So what if you take a walk afterwards to reflect on the game and The Bachelor and hold hands? Do you both like taking walks? So why don't you find a mutually agreed upon hobby that you can help your relationship to flourish?
• 49:59
  So wait a second. So you are saying that I don't need to give up on the things that I really, really like doing to do the shit that she likes doing, but I don't like doing. Because that's kind of like what I've been told, that if I do the things that she likes, even if I hate them, yeah, happy wife, happy life.
• 50:22
  Billy, you're giving me math. 70% of the time, she's not happy with you and you're not happy. Yeah. So the only chance is try it for one week. Experiment. Okay. See how a week goes. But how? Okay, thank you. Now, how can I phrase this? You're worried about her ripping your face off.
• 50:40
  Oh, she will fucking smack me. Yeah, this is tough, you know. Smack me, not physically, you know, not physically. Occasionally, though. But I get destroyed many times. So how can I phrase this in a constructive way so we end up achieving this thing that you are mentioning where I get to do what I really enjoy doing. She gets to do what she enjoys doing. And also we get to do together what we both also enjoy doing.
• 51:05
  Beautiful question. Does she know you enjoy football? Yeah. You've told her this? Well, no. I assume that she knows that. So, Billy, can she read your mind? No. Sometimes she wants that I read hers. Sounds like you're both failing at the mind reading. Is that right? Yeah. It is scary and uncomfortable to put out your feelings, especially as a man. We don't want to feel shame. And if we ask for something in the bedroom, if we ask to go watch our football game...
• 51:31
  Yeah, and I usually don't really get sex, to be honest. Do you think they're connected?
• 51:36
  I think they might be connected. Okay. And for me, it was very scary and it felt dangerous to communicate what I actually wanted and who I actually was. Because if I got denied, rejected, there's shame, which is a lower frequency than fear that I would feel. And that fear and that shame, the fear of having shame kept me from sharing who I am and what I wanted. So how should I share this with her? How do you think? Well, I'm not really good at this. So you are the master. Yeah.
• 52:01
  I don't know that I'm a master in anything, but I'm always learning. Do you think you can tell her that you really enjoy football? It's one of your favorite hobbies of every week, watching or playing? Yes. What do you think she'll react? What are the scenarios? What are three ways she might react? Oh, this is getting too complicated for me. How do you think she'll react when you say, I love watching football?
• 52:18
  I think that if I just say that, I don't think that we're going to get anywhere. Come on, give it to me simple. You're assuming nothing happens. But why don't you start this week by just communicating what you want? Okay. Why don't you just say, I like playing football or watching football? Let me just put Billy to the side. This is what Pablo, what I would do. I would be, hey, listen, bitch. No, I'm kidding.
• 52:38
  I would say something like, I would recommend Billy to say something like. I'll be Billy. So Billy, this is what I would recommend you to do. Okay. Go to your wife in a moment that there is no emotional tension. She is calm. You are calm. Both of you are calm. And just address this and address it in the something along the lines. Hey, honey, I've been thinking a lot about a couple of things that I wanted to share with you.
• 53:05
  And one is to say that the last 20 years that we've been together, 10 years we've been together, 15 years, 25, 30 years we've been together, it's been amazing and I love you and this is awesome. And I want to take our relationship to the next level. So I've been thinking a lot about how do we take our relationship to the next level. And something that I realized is that
• 53:27
  I have felt myself that I have not been able to do things that I usually really enjoyed. And I am also thinking that that might also be your case, that maybe you are also not doing things that you really enjoy doing yourself. So I'm wondering, what are those things? I think that the best way that we can do this is by, because the last thing that I want is that you do something with me that you don't really enjoy, especially if it comes to...
• 53:53
  at the expense of something that you really enjoy. And the same for me. I don't really want to be doing something that I don't really enjoy when it comes to the expense. And if we get to really enjoy the same thing, fantastic, then let's do that together. And then I will ask her. I would let her start. I would love to know what are the things that you have been doing with me
• 54:14
  Because you felt the obligation, let's say, to do it because, and of course, I would have already prepared, meaning I would have already thought about it. Like, what are the things? I'm like, oh, yeah, she's coming with me to fucking bowling on Thursday. She's horrible, and she, clearly, I don't think that she likes it.
• 54:32
  Or she's coming to my parents' house every week for dinner. Ooh, that's even bigger. Yes. So, or she comes to this event and she shows no interest. So I would already have some things in mind because she might not be totally prepared or really thought about this. And she may not even think that it's safe to say those words. So I would have that conversation. And then eventually it's going to switch sides to be like, okay, hopefully she's going to say like, what about you?
• 55:00
  Hey, Pablo, you know, my name's Billy and I'm just, I'm a little scared. I don't, I don't think it'll switch sides. Okay. I think we'll go through five things that she doesn't like from my bowling league to eating at my parents to blah, blah, blah. So we'll go through those five things and I think it's over. What do I do?
• 55:17
  Let's just say that that's the case. First of all, phenomenal outcome so far. You're right. Now you know. I know that you've been complaining about the bachelor thing, but dude, she's doing five things for you that she hates. Yeah. Okay. So now you need to let go of that. She should not go and do those things.
• 55:36
  Yeah, that's number one. Phenomenal outcome on that side. She's not asking you back. Okay, chill for a second. It's going to be fine. So now why don't you go to the following step, which is what are the things that we really enjoy doing together, right? So forget about she didn't ask me, no problem. Eventually she will realize, eventually, don't worry. So now let's go to the things. Hey, what are the things that we really enjoy doing together? And let's just say that she's just like, wow, we really enjoy the bachelorette.
• 56:05
  You love it. Remember? That's your opportunity. I don't love The Bachelor. I don't love it. That's your opportunity. Like, let's say that she says that the way that I would do it. I would literally look at her, and with my eyes, she would understand that. She would be like, oh, what? You don't love it?
• 56:21
  What about season three? Remember? Well, no, I don't love it. No, I want to see you happy, but I don't really love it. And what about a flip? What if I asked my wife if she enjoyed watching Bachelor more with her friends? Is that a better way to go?
• 56:37
  I want to stay, you know, here, very close, very simple, very easy. Now, I don't know, maybe the friends are assholes. I don't even want to go there, right? That's a different topic. Me and her, right?
• 56:52
  So stage one is start with the things that she's doing that she doesn't enjoy. Rewind and watch this apart again, I would say. To me, it's as simple as that. You start with the big picture. I want to take a relationship to the next level. I love everything so far. I love being with you. I want this to be even better than we even thought that is possible. And then I've been thinking...
• 57:16
  about the things that we do together, how much we enjoy them. And I realized that you may be doing things for me because that you don't really enjoy, but you're doing it because you want me to see me happy. And I just want to understand what those things are because I don't want, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And then you switch to the relationship. What are the things that we really enjoy doing together?
• 57:38
  Oh, walking. Okay, hiking, biking, going to the gym together, going to a day, going to dinner, going for a trip. I don't know. You have to figure out with your spouse what those things are. Whatever, watching a movie. What are those things that you really enjoy? Great. Those are the things. And again, most likely by that time, if you're having a good conversation, let me just repeat one more time. You need to address this when there is no emotional tension. Okay.
• 58:07
  There is like peace, peace. So make sure that you're checking her calendar, her biological calendar, especially. Make sure that everything is calm, night's sleep, the whole shebang. And then eventually it's going to reciprocate. And you will have that opportunity to share that. But again, also it's very important how you are communicating this. What's the emotional state that you are communicating this? And what's her emotional state where she's receiving this?
• 58:35
  Because if you've been fighting because of the bachelorette for a very long time, man, that's a different... Dude, beautiful. Really beautiful. I love what you did, which was a flip. I mean, you flipped to your own freedom. You started with where she is enslaved, where she is doing things she doesn't want to do. Start there, address them. If she doesn't transition, stage two. Talk about things that she will feel more free and alive and in love in our relationship. Great. Yeah.
• 59:03
  And step three, then again, help towards the transition. Or she realizes, oh, this isn't something that we both enjoy doing, The Bachelor. Oh, now it opens the door. Stage three, well, what are things you don't enjoy doing that you do? I just came with five. Now I can drop. Well, you know, it's not much. Just The Bachelor. It's just not, I know you think it's great and it's special, but it's not something I want to do. It's not something I enjoy. Well, I would not talk about her. I would not say I know that you think that it's great because it is great for her.
• 59:32
  I would not say that because now I am kind of like telling that it's not great. It's shit. So for me, it would be like, you know what? I personally, I don't enjoy it. I love seeing you enjoying it, but I personally don't enjoy it.
• 59:46
  Dude, I love that tweak you just made because a book I was reading yesterday talked about not calling it personal finance, but calling it preference finance. What is that? What you just described. Hey, you have a preference to watch The Bachelor. For people who don't know The Bachelor, it's a dating show. It's amazing. I have a presence to watch sports. Neither of us is wrong in our preference. It's just a preference.
• 1:00:09
  Tonight you want Mexican food? I want Italian. That's just a preference. Even in personal finance, I love buying this with my discretionary income. That's a preference. You love buying this. Discretionary preference. And we all think personal finance sounds like a science, sounds like a math problem. It's not. It's a preference. And it's realizing you and I will have different preferences. Same thing of you and I were good drowners growing up. Scared of the ocean. Almost drowned. Hated swimming.
• 1:00:34
  So we had a preference. Some people might have said, I want to go surf as kids. That's like my biggest fear, but it's their preference. Now I'm working through this, you're working through this. It's becoming something we kind of enjoy or are interested in. But it's all based on preferences rather than an objective right and wrong, at least in these areas. These are areas that are very preferential. It's odd that we allow ourselves to feel that with food and accept it. Things like hobbies. No, we...
• 1:01:01
  I apply this objectivity like, no, that's a bad hobby. And I mean, I'm thinking about this. Yeah, I do this and this is not good with my own life and my own life right now. Well, this connects back again with what you share about FAB. We think that we are right. And watching whatever American football is shit because real football or soccer is the real thing or whatever or rugby or hockey or basketball.
• 1:01:28
  Yeah. The thing I struggle with putting a bow on this for my mind is, is those are preferences and I need to be less judgmental on whatever it is, whether it's watching a dating show, whether it's watching the football. For a lot of people, I notice if we go one layer deeper, if we're just doing kind of mindless stuff, yes, I like this preference. You have this preference. But a lot of people use these things to fill their time to avoid solving, you know, the biggest challenge problem issue they have in their life.
• 1:01:55
  Well, maybe. Let me take the other side. You don't know exactly what each person is experiencing on that. And I think that that is an important discovery. I would say if you're speaking broadly, I would say like, yes, bread and circus. Was that the thing that the Romans, bread and circus? Panicirco, yes, bread and circus. So yes, entertainment for the masses. I get it. Yes.
• 1:02:23
  But I think that we can assume the same thing with alcohol, right? But let's just take now the approach of FAB. They are right. They know something that I don't know. What is it? Winston Churchill said, I got more out of alcohol than it got out of me. Now, granted, he was like, I think died young and was really overweight and unhealthy. But he truly believed this. That was a quote from Winston Churchill. I got more out of alcohol than alcohol got out of me. Yeah, and we are not promoting drinking, okay?
• 1:02:52
  Yeah, we don't drink alcohol, just to clarify. But it's fascinating to really take a fundamental flip, fundamental attribution error, and commit to it in a way to say, huh, that's interesting. You know, that he has this belief. Like, let's just play with him being right. Let's assume I'm wrong. Tell me more, Winston. Why did you get more out of alcohol?
• 1:03:11
  Yeah, give me the examples. I want to learn. And this is the beginner's mind to start with. I'm a five-year-old. And this is what's so fun having kids that are six, four, three, and nine months. It's like they're constantly a beginner's mind. That's their starting state in every conversation. And then we boring adults, myself more than anyone, are like start from I already know. Like let's assume I'm right. Where they're just starting with like let me learn. How do you see the world?
• 1:03:38
  It's so fun to watch if we give this opportunity. But what do many of us as parents, we're stressed or we're tired and we just say, no, just listen to me. I'm right. You know, I want to impress upon them. Rather than, man, there's a flip. I can learn from my kid how open they are to hearing this, to considering this, to considering I may be right. Beautiful.
• 1:03:57
  Hey, Pablo, I have an idea. It's something I am interested in exploring that people want to hear private examples of the hardest business decisions, life decisions that are happening in private in a public format. I saw it on this couple's podcast. I would like to try it.
• 1:04:13
  So for example, if someone in my company says, hey, can we talk for an hour? I'm like, okay, cool. Are you missing something? Oh, yes, yes. So this is the outcome that I want to achieve in the meeting. And this is the role that I want, that I need that you play in this.
• 1:04:29
  Dude, I love that. I think it's really cool. I know that it is. So I'm telling you, this is proof of work. This is real years of examples of this. So the way that it works is the way that I simplify it, because I want freedom for me and for them, is...
• 1:04:47
  I play three roles. I am giving the final approval, which we are working to lower, lower, lower, lower, lower. I can brainstorm with you. Or the other one is I can give you my second opinion. So brainstorm is, you know what? I have a lot of ideas here. It's kind of messed up. So I want to brainstorm. Rough draft. Okay? Let's just ping pong together.
• 1:05:12
  Versus I've already come up with the idea you're going to... Second opinion is I need, yes, I already have the idea. This is what I want to do. I want your second opinion. I don't want that you decide because I got my shit together. I know how to do this shit, okay? This is why you hire me. This is why I'm working in this company.
• 1:05:30
  that you created the last one is i saw the problem i came up with the idea i tested everything that i need to test it i want to go with this idea but you know what this is a massive thing we have never done it or i have never really done something like this so i want your check
• 1:05:53
  your final approval on this. So that's, that helped me become way more efficient. And when I say efficient, this, let me translate to our vocabulary, help me become more free. And what I've seen is that it helped them become more free because they come with a fucking mess in their brain. They did not do the pre-work.
• 1:06:16
  And all I'm saying is, at least tell me which game are we playing here? Are we playing the, I have a mess in my brain, let's just chit chat and brainstorm together. Cool, I know that that's expected from me. That's how I can serve you better.
• 1:06:30
  Do other people who aren't your employees know this system? That question, let's connect this question to what I just said. So this is continuation. The answer is, of course, my employees know that system. What about non-employees? Not everyone. And I don't have that transactional, let's say, relationship with people. But for example, let's just say with my wife. With my wife, as an example. Is that transactional?
• 1:06:54
  No, no, no. What I mean is in terms of, okay, we're talking about money. We are talking about a specific thing. That's what I mean about transactional. Yeah. Let's just say, let's talk about with my wife. When she's sharing something with me, we have this phrase, and you know this, right? This, do you want to be hugged? Do you want to be hurt? Do you want to be helped? And as you may have suffered, like I did, and sometimes I keep falling into the trap, into the bear trap, unless I know...
• 1:07:24
  What role I am playing, what role she needs that I play. We screw up. We screw up. Oh, interesting. Shocking, right? So why? Because I know she's sharing with me this massive problem that she's going through.
• 1:07:39
  What does my brain think? I need to fix this. She needs that I fix this. That's why she's sharing it with me, right? Because that's usually how we relate with other males. We are sharing problems and we want, come on, dude, just give me a feedback. Let's solve it. Yeah, solve it for me. Help me to solve it. And then I try to solve it. And then she gets all pissed off. No, she just wanted to be heard. She wanted you to say, that sounds hard. We have that understanding. Now, do I sometimes mess up? Yes, yes.
• 1:08:05
  I mean, am I always aware? It's like, okay, baby, wow, thank you for sharing. What can I do for you? How can I support you with this? And sometimes she's like, well, I want that you solve my problem. I'm like, fantastic. Great. So come back to the question I ask. With her specifically, this is my case, right? It's going to depend how your spouse is. But in my case, I don't start by saying, hey, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
• 1:08:31
  let's make an appointment first. By the way, what's your goal? And by the way, what... I don't do that. You kind of do. With her, no. Three H's. Hey, honey, do you need to be... Can I hug you? No, no, no, no. Can I help you? No, I don't say that. You don't? No. Oh, I do every time. It's the only way that I don't screw up.
• 1:08:49
  Well, okay, but that's the tweak that you found that works for you, right? Yeah, for me. For me, I let her talk. And by the way, she doesn't talk too much. So that's not a problem. I know that there are some wives that you're like, Jesus, if I let my wife talk, Jesus. I'm like, well, it's good that at least you believe in something, right? You believe in Jesus. That's good. But you have to find your way. So for me, I have no problem. I don't need to wait. With you, Peter, for example, if I let you talk without understanding...
• 1:09:18
  Dude, we just go for fucking hours. It's like, it's crazy. So, and then my brain just goes somewhere else. And then I start losing what you're talking about. So it's not, it doesn't serve you. It doesn't serve me. So it depends on Mars. It depends on the audience, right? Depends who you are talking to. Okay, I'm going to pull Pablo. Come back to the question I answered.
• 1:09:39
  Do your friends know this system? If I have to rank them, I think that they may. But if I have to rank them, it's not as clear as with their employees. And I also, to be honest with you, I don't think that I wanted to have it like that for, hey, everyone, listen.
• 1:09:56
  All of you, you communicate to me because not everyone talks too much like you, Peter. Okay. Do your friends who talk too much, let's make a question very soon. Do your friends who talk, you say too much, let's say talk a lot, know your system? I don't have many, Peter. Answer the question, as Pablo would say. I don't have many friends that talk too much. I mean, it's just you and you. You're the only exception. Yeah.
• 1:10:22
  When you make a new friend, Billy, that talks a lot, does he know the system that you like to operate? No, I have to tell him right away. Yeah. If you told me the way you operate with your employees, I love it, man. I'm trying to use that with most relationships because I don't view that as transactional. I view that as transformational. You have now told me a system and I go, wow. Wow.
• 1:10:44
  This makes so much sense. I should make sure I know what I'm committing to before I do a meetup. Because I have a lot of friends that ask for advice or help or mentorship. Well, that's a different thing, right? So let me just, when I think about friends, I'm thinking about people that I connect with on a weekly, biweekly basis, right? So that to me, it's a difference between acquaintances, people that I like, but people that I don't really know their birthday.
• 1:11:10
  I don't really know. I make that distinction a little bit. So it's going to depend. Once again, it's going to depend a lot on different things. So right now we are doing and creating things together.
• 1:11:22
  And because we are doing and creating things together, I can start seeing areas of friction. And that's when I am bringing the toolkit that I use in work. Because in work, I am creating things. We are creating things together, which is a different thing that we're just chilling. We're just shooting the shit.
• 1:11:44
  Yeah, I think you're right. Let's just, I see the truth in what you're saying. I also would say, dude, I think it's an amazing toolkit to help problem solve in any discussion. I have only heard it once when you were talking about another person who wanted to meet with us. And what I'm encouraging an idea for you to consider is, what if you do offer this to friends or to people you're talking to and say, hey, I use this tool and work. It may help us in this discussion, X, Y, and Z.
• 1:12:10
  Yeah, I think that now that I am fine, it's not a flip, but kind of. This is about as soon as I start getting frustrated, that's an indication that something is not working and that it usually could be that this problem is happening.
• 1:12:26
  where I don't understand the goal, I don't understand my role, I feel that I am wasting my energy, my time here, and I'm wasting the other person's energy and time. This is not serving us. Okay, got it. There's no clear operating system here, and I have a great one that really works. Let's introduce that one. That's what I felt and what I want to offer and what I want to suggest. Do you do that now, or is this a realization you can or should do that?
• 1:12:53
  I do not do that with everyone. Not sure if I should do that with everyone because I think that there is a big distinction between when something, I don't want to call it work because this is, but let's say when our relationship, when there is, let's just call it work. Okay. We are, no, let's just call it, we are creating something together. When we are creating something together, sometimes this is not needed. Many times it's extremely needed.
• 1:13:23
  My final thought, because I know you like simplifiers and direct, is if you had given this to me directly and said, hey, Peter, we're working on this. I'm noticing that I'm. I think that this connected is potentially connected with complicators. Yeah. Oh, it definitely is. I think that with simplifiers, I don't have this problem.
• 1:13:41
  Correct. I don't remember having this problem with my friend. I don't remember having this problem because I never get to that because it just flows. Pablo, this is where I'm suggesting that when I'm a complicator and I see a potential problem or theory that I have that's very complicated to explain. By talking with you, I'm clarifying, understanding and trying to simplify a learning process.
• 1:14:07
  You might get frustrated. I'm seeing it as the pathway to achieve the goal. And you made an assumption, right? Both people are frustrated. In very few to none of those conversations would I say the emotion of frustration was what I felt. Now, that doesn't mean I want to be disrespectful toward you. I just don't know what's going on in your head.
• 1:14:23
  If you say, here's the framework where I'm successful when I'm solving a problem. And let's just use a specific example. When I notice something that I think might is a theory that I'm somewhat feeling and see in some other members of a group, I don't know for sure. This is a complicated thing that I can't synthesize where I can explain it. But I have a strong intuition this is something going on. I'm offering this to try and be helpful.
• 1:14:48
  without a clear understanding of what it is. If you can't come and say, hey, dude, I use this brainstorming second opinion or whatever. Can we talk through how, which of these this would be? This is how I operate. So it's just my framework. Now I'm in your box and I can play by your rules. But if we don't have that discussion, I'm out in this, hey, I brainstorm and talk through because I'm a complicator and I take complicated all over and try and bring it down. And we're just using two different frameworks.
• 1:15:16
  Yeah. I think that an easy thing for me would be
• 1:15:20
  As soon as I am, let's say, I find myself, let's just start like that. I find myself in a place where it's like, whoa, okay, whoa. I am, this is not working. But not like, oh my gosh, I am already collapsed. I'm frustrated. Like, no, no, this is, this is not really going. We were going in this direction. This is going in this direction. Okay, now I can introduce, sorry, let me interrupt you for one second. I just want to share something because I find that this is the way that it works the best.
• 1:15:47
  So when we do this, this, this, this. So I think it's better when we start. Are you okay giving a shot to start like this? So that way I can serve you better. Amazing. Your life. I'm being serious, man. Our relationship and communication is...
• 1:16:02
  And this isn't to put the work on you. It allows me to know what's going on in your head. Because I'm doing it and I'm like, oh, we're flowing. This is awesome. And then if you say, like in your head, you're having this dialogue of, I'm lost. This is confusing. Why are we even having this conversation? I thought that you liked The Bachelor. Yeah.
• 1:16:19
  Exactly. It's the bachelor connection. I mean, I think this is a way, especially with complicators, for you to build a bridge between the two different systems to where they can then apply your framework and you guys will both suddenly be in flow. And I get excited also for people like me that hear this framework from you and have their life changed. Because now when I have someone ask me, hey, can I meet up? Can I get your opinion? I use your framework. Like, hey, what's the outcome you're looking for? I want to understand how. And I actually want to rewatch this session when we
• 1:16:49
  I want to create the three-step framework that I can use in my own commitments to meetings, calls, whatever, because I love your – and it's not one I use. And I think by sharing it, it's not that you're hurting the friendship by making it more professional. You're just creating a system to create where it's like, hey, I want to create a better professional life for me and we're buddies. And you just say, hey, here's a framework that I create stuff with. Yeah, and I am thinking now that when you were sharing your idea of how to solve the problem –
• 1:17:18
  Maybe you have to share this with everyone, right? I was in my head, I'm like, no, that's not. That's too complicated. That makes no sense for me to apply it that way to the moment that I'm like, okay, this is how. Okay, I think this, because I'm looking for what is the one trigger, let's say. What is the thing that I know that, okay, from this point, it just goes this way or that way.
• 1:17:42
  Okay, got it. When I start feeling this, that's the moment to introduce it. That is the trigger. That is the simple solution that I can bring. So that way, I always remember.
• 1:17:52
  And we kind of found that we were discussing down in Miami. We were there together in the hotel. And we had different things we were trying to optimize for. And we realized, wait a minute. You're trying to climb this mountain. I'm trying to climb this mountain. And we stepped back. And I was like, hey, what are you trying to optimize for? What are you trying to optimize for? And we're like, oh, these are different things. And then we found a bridge to the same thing we're looking for.
• 1:18:12
  And it's recalibrating in such a cool way that I learned a lot with you of when I'm feeling that, I try and immediately step back and say, what's our goal here? And sometimes our goal becomes just defending our position. That's not a good path. That's not the path I want to take. And stepping back to understand. And the takeaway that I think is so powerful for you is you're so good at simplifying. But if you have a complicator, this allows you to help them simplify in a way you understand.
• 1:18:40
  And if you don't use your tool, then you might just walk away. And they had a nugget of wisdom that you missed the chance to receive. But if you offer this the moment something feels off or even before something feels off, now they can use your framework. And they also walk away the gold nugget from you. We're like, man, this framework, it has been so powerful for me to use for my commitments because now I use it as a filter before I say yes or no. Like, what's their goal? What's the outcome? Can I help achieve that? Do I want to help achieve that? Now, I didn't used to do that.
• 1:19:10
  And so I'd end up in the meeting like, why am I here? What is the reason we're talking? You know, I don't want to do this. Especially once I sold my business, I had more time. I was willing to, quote, sacrifice or invest in that. Because of your tool, I got this golden nugget. No, I could do that beforehand.
• 1:19:28
  And I think it's a transformational relationship. These complicators may see something you don't see because they're looking at kind of, I almost see it as more variables. They're looking at 50 factorial that multiply off each other. And it's like the Rain Man thing. You can have the video clip of like the Rain Man looking where you just see like the simple math problem what's in front of you. You might help them simplify it in a way that you can make a simple math problem on that will change your life. And you will definitely change their life with the framework.
• 1:19:55
  Love it. You're the man. Catch you later. Love you. See you, brother. Love you, man.