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Kids Can: Raising Responsible & Resilient Kids With Brad and Liz Flurry · Empowered Homes Podcast

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_02: Hey friends, welcome to the Empowered Homes Podcast.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_02: The purpose of this podcast is to grow strong families by connecting church and home and giving resources to help you win at home.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_02: And today I'm joined in studio with Meg.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_02: Hey friends.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_02: And we have special guests, Brad and Liz Fleury.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_02: Welcome.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_02: Very special.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: Um, so for our audience, you've been on other episodes, but just give us uh Liz, tell us about you guys for a little bit.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: So Brad and I have been married almost 27 years.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: We have two kids, but they are out of the house now in college, exploring their own adventures.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: So we're empty nesters.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Empty nesters.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_02: Empty nesters.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_02: We're old, Bobby.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_02: It's nice.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_02: You're not old.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_02: You're you just seasoned.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: Seasoned.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_03: Seasoned.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: So are you sad that you're empty nesters?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_03: I love our kids.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Love them and we miss them, but we are enjoying the season of life.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: Amen.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: Nice.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_02: I love that.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: So being seasoned, you've got some experience from launching kids.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_02: And so today we want to talk about a resource that we have, but also uh some content that we want to encourage kids to take responsibility, to build some resilience.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: And the concept is called kids can.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_02: So we're going to go through this, go through the principles and all these other resources.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_02: But before we jump in, what is kids can?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I think for us, um, it's really two things.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_03: Number one, Bobby, it's an understanding that as a parent, uh, we talk about you're the primary faith trainer in your home, but you're also the primary teacher.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_03: And so when we look at kids these days, whether they're probably elementary school or junior hour or high school, there's a lot of pressure on them.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and you as a mom or dad, part of your job is not only to help them with their swing if they're baseball or gymnastics or whatever else, but to teach responsibility and resilience.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_03: Um, because the the big thing about that is they're not personality traits.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_03: Research says is you're not born with resilience or responsibility, but it's something that's taught through circumstances, but through the people in life.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and so that's what we've tried to do with our kids and try to encourage parents to do.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_03: Um, because if I can give you more responsibility, you will therefore become more responsible.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_03: And that's what we want to teach our kids.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, kids can the the concept of of of shaping our kids to be use the phrase that you always say.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_02: They're they're we're not raising you're not raising kids, yeah, right.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: They're you're raising adults, they're already your kids, and you're raising them to the kind of person you want them to be at 25, 35, 45.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: You're raising your your your grandchildren's parents.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: So you're teaching them these skills, and we're much closer to that than you guys are.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_03: It's almost like an agriculture term, right?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_03: If you go find a farmer who's who's planted corn, he's not he's not saying I'm growing corn seeds.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, I'm growing corn, right?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_03: He's talking about the future of what they will be.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_03: So you're raising adults.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's good.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and uh I was a RA in college, and I couldn't tell you how many freshmen I had to teach how to do their laundry.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_02: How to I was an RA too.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Same story, and I did it a good while after you did, or a good while before you did, and it was the same thing.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I had a room across from the laundry mat on um on our floor, and girls would knock on the door like so confused, not know what to do.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_02: So today we're gonna talk about giving responsibility, talk about how we shape our kids and give them tools to do their laundry and all that stuff.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_02: But it's really broken down in uh this guide, and we'll have this available on the show notes and everything.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: But there's seven principles we're gonna cover today.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: So, seven principles to help um shape our kids.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_02: And so let's start with the first principle.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, first principle is starting with the end in mind.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: What is that?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I think, Bobby, it goes back to sort of what we've just said.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_03: It's not about controlling today, it's thinking long term.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_03: So, quite often when Liz and I talk to parents, it is yes, the day-to-day consumes you.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_03: We understand that.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_03: But if I was to ask you, list three characteristics you want your 25-year-old son or daughter to have, what would those be?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_03: And they list things like responsibility, resilience, integrity, character, and you say, That's great.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_03: You should absolutely what are you currently doing to teach those?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_03: There's a pause.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_03: And sometimes they shake their head, right?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_03: And so we say, Hey, it's great.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_03: Your calendar is filled with things, but as a mom and dad, how can you think with the end in mind, the big picture of clarity, and then start adding those to your family dynamics and rhythms?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: That's good.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I I think thinking of my own kids and and having the end in mind, um one of our core values is coolies get back up.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yep.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_02: And so in short, we're we're wanting to teach resilience.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_02: And so we use that phrase all the time.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_02: Even Chapman, you know, um, going and playing baseball, it's his first season, all that.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_02: Um, super nervous, super in his head, and all this stuff.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: And there's been several times a season where I just back away and and let him kind of figure it out because he can.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: He can he can go through this.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: And so because resilience is a core value for our family, like it forces me to think in that vein, as you were saying, to to push him a little bit.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: I think the reason why this is principle number one is as a mom or dad, and it's tough, right?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_03: If you don't understand, we'll begin with the end in mind or think about the long game, the stuff we say next is gonna seem really hard.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_03: It may seem mean, right?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_03: It may like, I don't want to do that, but if you realize I'm parenting, as Liz said, my grandkids' kid parents, right, is is then it's gonna help you along the way to get some clarity within that.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_03: So good.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I love in this principle, you know, that you talk about every every principle has a a goal and a big idea.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I love that the big idea is that it's not about controlling today, right?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: But it's about who they're gonna be in the future.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I think parents don't always realize that sometimes the things that they're doing is actually very controlling and they may not even mean to be controlling.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, what advice would you give to a parent who is like, oh man, I have been a little bit controlling?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how do you kind of like let go without just shoving them into the deep end?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I want to say first it's not too late.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it doesn't really matter how old your kids are, it's not too late to say, hey, maybe um this wasn't my best practice before, but we're gonna start now with something new and we're going to work on this together.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's the first thing I would say with any parenting thing that you hear is that it's not too late.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_03: And then I would say start small, right?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes we're like, you know, we're not gonna remodel the whole house.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna start with maybe one item in one room, right?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_03: Is that example of uh, hey, we're gonna start with this, we're gonna start with dinner time or bedtime, or some of the principles we'll see next.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_03: But yeah, I love that.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's good.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: So getting into principle number two, let them carry their own backpack, right?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: So talk about not controlling, letting them carry.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Talk to us about that one.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think that carrying the little backpack is the concept because so many parents are carrying things for their kids, and like I mean physically carrying things for their kids and taking care of things that their kids need to be responsible for on their own.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um when our children were even in, they were toddlers and they had their little backpacks and for their extra diaper clothes and their snacks.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: I would make them wear their own backpack even then.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I think sometimes we do it because we are like, oh, it's just convenient and easy and we're faster.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but when we give them this responsibility, I'm like, oh, buddy, you got to get your backpack.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And when you start that, even at a very early age, that they understand this is their responsibility to carry.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because then you get to when your kids are in fourth and fifth grade, and if you're still carrying their backpack, you're still getting their water bottle, you're still getting their homework and putting everything in and putting it in the car for them, and then reminding them to get it on their way out.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: You're not teaching them that this is their responsibility.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: You're teaching them, I'm gonna take care of all this for you, and I'm always gonna be there to make sure you've got it all done when it's something that they need to learn.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, it goes back to that.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something you're born with, but you have to learn, oh, this is something that I'm in control of and that it's my responsibility to take care of.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_03: Um, it is about you boil down, Megan, it's about ownership, right?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_03: And so within your home, what do your kids own?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: What responsibilities do they own?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_03: And we're using the example of a backpack when you leave school, but it can be more than that, right?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_03: Depending upon their age, whether it's laundry or dishes or chores, but what do they own that they carry, right?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_03: Because the issue is, is mom or dad sometimes it's easier for you to do it.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and so responsibility denied becomes responsibility delayed, right?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: So then you're frustrated when our kid is 13, 14, 15 and they can't do something because you've not allowed them to do it, right?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: And so you want your kids to begin to take that ownership because the longer you carry it, they're gonna let you carry it.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: And if you fix all the problems, they're gonna let you fix it, right?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_03: Um, because that's what kids do.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_03: We we all did.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_03: So I would just encourage mom or dads when it comes to this concept of of carrying their backpack is what in our home, based upon the age of our kids, can they start owning?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_03: And believe it or not, it's a lot more than you think they can.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and you know what's so interesting?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: You all taught this as a class for a group of a large group of parents here at Kingsland.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: And one, I love that I heard so many of them start to use the words kids can with their children.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, kids can go get your water bottle, kids can.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you forgot it.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: So sorry.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: But what also I love is that it correlated to a survey that we did where parents are talking about how their homes are filled with chaos and and burnout and they're tired.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: And so when you're thinking about being a parent and you are a tired mom, specifically right, you're a tired mom.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you kind of have to go back to some of this.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like, are you giving your kids ownership over things in your home or are you taking control at all of it?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so I was teaching about that uh somewhere else, and it was like people, it was just like clicking for them, like, oh, I get it.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so to help ease the burden, even of your own the burdens that you're carrying, like give your kids ownership.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and specifically on the backpack, my oldest, he's in eighth grade now.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_02: Um, when he started middle school, that's when paperwork and keeping track of stuff and binders and and his backpack was just shoved with with with stuff.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_02: And I had this moment of like, I'm gonna pull all this out and organize it for him.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_02: And then kids can, I backed up, said, He's got to figure this out.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_02: He's got to figure out how to organize now.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_02: He's last week, he's like, Yeah, I've got this folder for English and this folder.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, Imagine that.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that actually keeps you organized.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, all that to say, like sometimes we don't let our kids do stuff because they're gonna do it wrong.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_02: Talk about expectations.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, I think that it is if I can hop into principle three, yeah, that goes right to it.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_03: Is principle three is a tough one.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: Mom or dad is probably one of the most difficult ones we're gonna talk about today.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, and and it's failure is a better teacher than success.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_03: It is, I love when the kids were young, as Liz used to say, I love you too much to rob you of this lesson, right?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_03: And sometimes it's painful because we don't want our kids to walk through difficulties, right?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: But but I will tell you this it is success and having the easy road does not build resilience in your kid.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: It doesn't at all, right?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_03: Failure does.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_03: And so what's great is is your kid will experience failure in life.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_03: It can be within the safety of your home under a loving mom and dad, or when they get to college and it's it's rough, or their first job, and now their world crumbles.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: So, how do you build that resilience along the way?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and so it's teaching them humility and grit.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_03: In a couple examples, I remember when one of our boys was in junior high and uh their job was to pack their lunch, they packed your lunch.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: But guess what?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: He forgot to bring that day, right?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_03: His lunch, right?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_03: Uh school calls, Drew doesn't have his lunch today, he's just not gonna eat lunch today, right?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_03: Uh can he buy lunch?
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_03: No, right?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_03: Well, he's gonna be okay.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_03: Kid eats a lot.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_03: He's not gonna, right?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_03: But but the instinct in us as a mom or dad is to rescue them in that moment.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_03: Let me let me change my day and my schedule and bring lunch instead of, hey, buddy, we talked about making sure our our end of day list is done.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_03: And as we walked out the door, they carried the back bit.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_03: And mom reminded you if we would have brought it to him, no lesson is learned, right?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_03: But he learned a lesson that day, setting there at the lunch table, no lunch when all his buddies were eating lunch, right?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_03: That that was a lesson learned, and it goes back to Liz saying, I don't want to rob you of this.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_03: I remember another time when one of our boys, our oldest boys, was in high school.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_03: He didn't like mornings, sort of like his mom.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_03: We once we hit high school, our kids had to wake themselves up.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_03: No more waking them, you know, and if you don't set your alarm, it doesn't go off.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_03: That's your problem, not ours, right?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_03: And there was a day that we're all getting ready to leave, and this young man is not up yet.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_03: Little brother is loving this.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, yes, he's not up.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_03: Are you gonna go wake him up?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_03: No, right?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_03: Even Liz, who used to be a school teacher, are we sure we don't want to go wake him up?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_03: No, right?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_03: I would rather him miss one or two hours of school, learn this lesson so he doesn't do it in college when the stakes are higher and he's just gonna miss a couple of classes.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_03: And so when he wakes up about 9:30, text mom and dad, oh man, well, guess what?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_03: He he learned I gotta set an alarm and a backup alarm.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: And so I just say that for mom and dad's it is don't rob your kids of that lesson.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, and think about when they learn this at a younger age, this is gonna save them later on.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you teach you're teaching healthy habits, like the organization, maybe the first time you do it with them and you're like, hey, this is the way I like to organize things, but you're gonna have to figure out what's a way you like to organize things.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, this is a way you can do it.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want to figure out your own um method, that's great.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: And but learning these lessons in elementary school and junior high, so much better.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: When, like you said, in the safety of a loving home where people are like, it's okay to make a mistake.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna just get back up because we're gonna be resilient rather than when they're older.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then think how much devastating it would be when you're at an older age and you've never experienced that kind of failure or loss, and you're like, your mind is blown.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's gonna hit you so much harder than a lesson where you're like, okay, I'm gonna wipe myself off and get up and we're gonna move on.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_03: And I think if you, you know, if I was to ask Bobby, you or Megan, hey, what are some of the most important life lessons you've ever learned?
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, you learned them through something where you fell down and you had to get back up.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_03: There's a lesson.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_03: It wouldn't be when something was given to you easy, right?
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_03: And so we don't want to rob that from our kids and the safety of our home.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: So we tell parents is men, I understand that it where the concept seems like that's tough.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_03: Um, let them fell gently in your home and then coach them through it.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_03: And some of the other stuff we'll talk about later with connection uh helps with that along the way.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: Well, speaking of connection, principle four, responsibility requires relationship.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and we talk about this a lot in spiritual formation and just communication.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, we are all about relationship.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so talk to us a little bit about how that is so important when you're trying to teach your kids ownership and responsibility.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: I think that the biggest, like the big key word I'm gonna use in this is trust.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're building a trusting relationship with your kids, then they're gonna be able to come to you when they did fall, when they do need help getting their pieces put back together.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: And um how does your child feel about failing in front of you?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Are they scared?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Or are they like, mom and dad love me, they have my back, they're gonna help me through this kind of situation.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I think there's a lot of principles that we teach along the way to um, like one, I'll throw in it maybe later on, and I'm saying it early, but the 10-second principle.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like when your kid tells you something, how you respond in those first 10 seconds, tell them, are you a safe space or not?
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you're building that relationship with them and you're making sure that you are having that trust, then that helps you later when you're um walking through this relationship and maybe an issue that's not necessarily a behavioral one, it's a relational one where you're saying, Okay, this is this was your responsibility and you didn't do it.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: So, what do you think the consequences of that should be?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_03: And so when it comes to the, you know, Megan, you said that responsibility requires relationships, and we want to grow that responsibility in our kids, is one thing we talk about quite often.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, as a mom or dad, you must connect more than you correct.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_03: You've got to have a lot of deposits.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_03: And the same thing in our marriage, right?
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_03: It is connection.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_03: I remember when the kids were little, as Liz used to say, man, I feel like I'm just saying no all day long.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_03: And so, how do you build ways to connect with them?
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_03: Because if not, when it comes to some of the discipline stuff we're talking about, some of the increasing responsibility failure, um, if you don't have that connection for the kid, it's just gonna feel like control, right?
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_03: If you have that connection, think about the people in your life, the bosses you work for, the coaches you've had, the ones that have pushed you hard, but they love for you.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: You thought that was care, right?
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_03: Like, oh, they pushed you, they did this, they they get that's care.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: The other one is just control.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_03: So as a mom or dad, is you want to connect more than you correct.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely, yeah.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_02: And even last night, uh I'm as you're talking, I was reminded me and Chapman were we're throwing the baseball, just just practicing.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_02: And uh, you know, sports is a a good teacher too.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_02: And so kid doesn't know how to throw a baseball, he's never played before, and so I'm teaching him mechanics of just throwing the baseball and and hitting me in the chest.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_02: And I felt like I was correcting a lot, and then we started being goofy, and I started throwing the ball, kind of a little weird for him.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_02: And he looks up, I hit the ground, he looks up, he's like, hit me in the chest, and it and we just laughed, and it was like, Yes, we're correcting, but we were we were connecting, and it was just a cool moment I had last night.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_02: But so responsibility requires relationship.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_02: Let's go to number five give purpose, not just pressure.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think as a lot of us can probably think of uh whether your own life or you've seen something where there's some parents uh that mistake responsibility for just pressure.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_03: You must make this grade, you will do this on the ball field.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_03: You do we are not talking about that, yeah, right?
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_03: That that is a type of pressure that's a you know, they can listen to some of your sports podcasts where you talk about that.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_03: Um, but you got to give a kid purpose.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_03: And so here's what I mean.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_03: I used examples earlier of two overly simple times that we've let our kid fail, right?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_03: Um the part of that was not like you've got to do better.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, buddy, here's why.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_03: I want you to be a young man that can be counted on, that makes work meetings on time, that remembers things, that somebody can say, I can count on you.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_03: You have character.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_03: So when your kids are two or three, you don't do a lot of the whys, right?
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_03: Like, don't touch the stove because it's hot.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_03: Don't run away from me in the parking lot, you're gonna get hit.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_03: You do you don't describe, you're like, just do what I say.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_03: As they get older for a mom and dad, and we're talking about giving your kid more responsibility, they're gonna feel the heaviness of that.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_03: They can feel your pressure or they can feel purpose.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_03: And so for all of us, right?
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_03: It's purpose.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_03: If I know the purpose, I'm motivated, right?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_03: If not, the pressure just cracks.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_03: And so you want to make sure you explain the why.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: Uh and Megan, you said what I loved earlier is there comes an age where your kid, maybe seven, eight, nine, ten, where you're like, mom is busy.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: I need your help.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_03: We're a team, right?
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_03: Our family is a team.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_03: I need you to do these.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_03: Here's the why, right?
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_03: Like, okay, instead of do the dishes because I said so.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_03: And so, parents, it takes a little more time for you to describe those things.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: But I think when you parent with purpose, it's gonna help increase their responsibility and how they respond to you.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: I think everyone wants to feel like they have a purpose.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and uh like they feel like their life is meaningful.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you say, hey, our family is a team, we're all working together, like we are gonna um take care of our laundry and our toys and our room and our home because God has given us this and we're gonna take care of the things that we have.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: So that's uh one part of it.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: But another is it teaches um about commitment.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like you need to wash your uniform for the game because you made a commitment to your team.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be on time and ready to go somewhere because you made a commitment to whatever activity that is.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you know, even being late for school, I as a former school teacher, I can tell you it really does um kind of mess up the flow of a classroom when you're you've started your day, everyone else is there, and then they're like this one kid's rolling in tardy 10 minutes in, and then you have to restart everything to give that person instructions and everything.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: So you're part, I used to tell my students that our class is a team and we're gonna do this together.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so that when everyone feels like a commitment to that, then like you said, they're gonna be way more motivated than just to just do this kind of situation.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: And there are times, like you said, when it is just do it.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: But when they understand that at a greater level, then it helps them for all act all the things that you're asking them to do.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_02: I love and in the guide, again, we'll have this guide uh on on the show notes, but it says, uh, pressure says here's what you have to do, but purpose says here's why it matters.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_02: Help helping reframe and shape that for kids is huge in teaching responsibility and resilience.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, so let's talk about principle six.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: Build grit through gratitude.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: Talk about the power of gratitude.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_03: It is for me, it is this one is all about perspective, right?
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_03: Is uh we've tried along the way to teach our boys that the glass is not half empty, the glass is not half full.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna be thankful for the glass and we're gonna fill it, right?
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and so what does that look like?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_03: And so quite often, um, when we're having a bad day or we think we're having a challenge, it's shifting that perspective in a lot of the ways.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_03: It sounds overly simple, but it's so powerful is what are we thankful for?
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_03: So in this moment, I you know, I met with a leader in ministry this morning that was having a bad day, and they talked about something, and I said, tell me, tell me how God has shown you some wins in the last week.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_03: And she could list a whole bunch, and I said, But we're focused on one thing, right?
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_03: So the thing with our kids.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_03: So, like, hey, yeah, this may be hard.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_03: You maybe you got a test this week.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_03: You're a student, you're supposed to have a test, right?
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_03: What can we be thankful for this week?
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, I've got this.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_03: And so it's more of a shift of perspective.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_03: And I think a key way to do that, to build grit, is that gratitude that helps kids see sometimes these opportunities as a moment of thankfulness.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I think um you helping them to see those things.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, when you're saying your prayers, not just a rope pair, thank you, God, for this day, but thank you for and giving the specific examples of what you're gratifying, you know, grateful for, or um, when when kids get gifts.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like that was a big thing for me.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: We coached up before birthday parties.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if somebody gives you something that you're like, that's not my favorite, you still say thank you because that person brought you a gift and you need to be grateful for it.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or if it's something you already have, you don't need to say anything about that.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: You can they brought you a gift and you say thank you because they did not have to do that.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so coaching up before those opportunities, whether it's family Christmas or birthdays or um tell being grateful in a restaurant, telling a server, thank you for the service, like you even little, little, little things in the daily life, just when they start um practicing gratitude, it becomes another one of those healthy habits.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_03: But I think, you know, when you, you know, putting this all together is when you help your kid walk through hard times.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_03: You don't rob them of that.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_03: You're not the lawn mower, you know, paving the way for your kid, you're not the helicopter parent.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_03: But when you allow them to walk through some things, um, it builds grit, and that grit allows them to be have gratitude.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_03: If you think about this, if I was to talk to you about, you know, some of our grandparents that lived maybe during the Great Depression or during World War II, and you're like the greatest generation or they had a difficult time, some of the most overly gracious people.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_03: Because when they've walked through those difficult times, it teaches them what to be grateful for.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_03: Learning what to be grateful for then helps me walk through another difficult time.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_03: And so I think those go hand in hand together.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_03: And when you rob those moments from your kid, you've got a kid, many times you hear like kids today aren't even thankful.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_03: Well, we'll teach them to be thankful for something, right?
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_03: Let them walk through something that shows them what to be grateful for.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_03: Um and so I think that goes hand in hand in parenting.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_01: Something I've noticed in this one is, you know, when our kids feel pressure, maybe not from us, but maybe just from everything they've got going on.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe, you know, I've noticed sometimes my kids are spiraling, right?
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_01: And they're just mad.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: And the mads had bad, it's everything, you know, and you're just like wanting to walk them towards gratitude, but also they're just like they're just not there, you know.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_01: And so, so patience in that, because I find myself getting like, oh, you're so ungrateful, like getting so mad.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like just get over it.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not always the way it works.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_01: Typically, it doesn't work that way.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so being patient and allowing them some space to process through too, so that they can get to gratitude rather than jumping on them.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, sure.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_03: Well, what's good, Megan, is you're allowing them space to process through.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_03: You're not rescuing them.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_03: There's a difference.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_03: Let's let's work through this instead of the easy thing is let me rescue this, take this away, let me email the teacher and say this is not fair, let me do all of these things instead of life's not always fair.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_03: There's gonna be hard moments.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_03: Let me teach you to walk through it, give you some space.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_03: And so, yeah, I love exactly what you're saying.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_02: So good.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_02: So we have one more principle, and this one might be a tough one for parents.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_02: But yeah, set the example as the last principle.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think that goes along with the gratitude as well.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: You are showing them like the you're leading them in how to react to situations.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so say you have to move for your job instead of complaining about we love it here, we don't want to move, you know, whatever it is.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, wow, God gave us a new opportunity and a new place.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna get the chance to make new friends and we're gonna get the chance to see a new part of the country.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, Brad and I moved a lot because he's retired from the military.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so every time we moved, we tried to make the attitude of, hey, look at this new adventure we get to go on.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: How exciting is that?
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: And um then it tied that back in.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so thankful God gave us this opportunity because your attitude is going to be reflected in them.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you how many times when our kids were little, they if they reacted to a situation and I was like, oh, that was Liz right there.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: Right, yeah, and being that um example in the restaurant, thinking the server, um, in the you know, wherever you are, just finding those examples on a daily basis.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then when you start hearing yourself, man, you know what?
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: Mom didn't have a very good attitude today.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm I'm gonna start over fresh.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: Can you guys forgive me for how I acted earlier?
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's start fresh and and let's talk about this.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: How could I have done this better?
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: And help them give them the opportunity to kind of coach back with you, and you're gonna be surprised how many times you hear your own words parented back later, just like that.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, hit me in the chest.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that thing, you know, is we're talking about responsibility and resilience, and and like a lot of things we teach as parents, uh, is most of it is gonna be caught more than than taught, right?
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_03: Is they're gonna learn from watching you know what the saying is the the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_03: What kind of apple do I want?
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_03: What what is it is it one with integrity and grit and resilience and character, or is it one um that that's fragile, that everything the world throws at them is just knocks them down?
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_03: And so mom and dads have a great opportunity through just the the their habits in their home, the way they respond to certain things, the way they lean on the Lord, um, their example to teach responsibility and resilience in a way within the safety of the home that the kids never gonna get a chance to see without it.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, and setting that example, you know, as my kids are getting older, they know when I'm kind of not having a good day, they're they're starting to ask questions, and so it's been really fun with my oldest to be like, hey, let me tell you what's going on, because he can handle it and all that, and just processing I'm not pro processing with him, but I'm I'm letting him peek into kind of how I'm dealing with whatever I'm dealing with, and it's been been fun, and so hopefully I'm teaching him healthy ways to to manage stuff, but it's uh it so speak into now that you have adult kids um when setting the example, what are the things that you see now uh in your boys that you're like, man, we did we did good, we did a good job.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_02: Like, give some examples.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_03: I'll say quite often it is I think they did good probably in in spite of us, not because of us.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_03: Uh I think a lot of parents see that way, is the the one thing is I'll brag on Liz for a moment, is she is extremely compassionate, and I've got very compassionate boys, um, is they will move in the direction of people in need.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_03: They are kind to others.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and so that's a big part of it.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_03: Well, when it comes to this, is they walk through difficult times.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_03: I've had one of my my boys have had, you know, four knee surgeries that knocked him out of the sport that he loved.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, I had another one that didn't get his exact first thing he wanted uh in a college choice.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_03: And there's been some other things, but along the way is how they responded to that amazed us.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_03: Amazed us with the resiliency, not feeling sorry for themselves.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and so uh, you know, to answer your question, I hope part of that maybe was some things that we were able to teach them, but also the the people we surrounded them in in life uh were like-minded.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and so we're gonna let them um, you know, fall and and not get back up.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: I think who you allow to speak into your kids' life is huge.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so, like you said, surrounding them with other people, with um godly community, with people who are teaching the same values that we are and encouraging that kids can, that they're gonna help them.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, when they're at a friend's house and this is like trusted friends and they're parenting the same way, then um kids can clean up after themselves.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, kids can um help get ready for dinner.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: Kid uh our kids last night were sending us pictures of the dinners that they made for themselves.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: It was way better than what we were eating.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, way better.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: And um, it's because we taught them from an early age, you know, you can cook, you can help.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: And now I I I'll be honest, I rarely cook, rarely anymore.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: Growing up when the kids were or were younger and he was um in a different profession, I did almost all the cooking.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then now we're in this season where he cooks and the boys come home and they cook, and I'm like, this is quite convenient for me.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_03: But I think Bobby is it goes back to um trying not to rob them of the lessons that they can learn in the the safety of your home.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_03: Um and then what responsibilities for us, especially early on as a military family moving off in, is that they get to carry a load, whether it was laundry or dishes, uh, responsibilities around the house, is they were part of our team.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_03: And so as they've gone into young adulthood, is is they they have mentioned, not us, that many of their peers and roommates don't know how to do laundry, don't know how to cook, don't know how to pay bills, don't know how to go get the oil changed in the car or change a flat tire.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_03: There's been instances when things have happened with their friends in college that they have thanked us because they've learned that lesson before instead of watching someone else have the difficulty as a 21-year-old to not learn that lesson.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_03: But yeah.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think that a lot of this came out of a place of love.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: People are like, I love my kid.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: I want to do what I can for them, I want to help them.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I I like doing things for them.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm, you know, maybe that wasn't done for them.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so they want to give this gift to their kid.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: But the greatest gift you can give your kid is teaching them responsibility and resiliency.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: It is way better than doing chores for them, doing homework for them, um, doing all these things for them and robbing them of that opportunity because that's not love, that's enabling somebody to be dependent on you for everything.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you're not always gonna be there.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: And they need to learn to do this on their own.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: They need to be able to go out into the world and feel confidence in the confidence a kid feels when they have purpose, when they have understanding about what is res um like expected of them, they have direction, they have clarity.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like they are gonna walk forward so much more confident in who they are and in whose they are, because the gifts and uh skills that you have helped them to grow.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_02: So good.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_02: Well, Brad and Liz, thank y'all for your time.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_02: Um you know, knowing your boys personally, you y'all are incredible parents.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_02: I've learned so much from y'all and um the the the resources kids can.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_02: Um you can access this guide and so many other great resources on Empowered Homes.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_02: Guys, thank y'all for your time today.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_03: Thanks, Meg.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_03: Yep, y'all are awesome.