Latest / Chatting with The Experts with Paula Okonneh / Empowering Women at Every Stage

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Empowering Women at Every Stage · Chatting with The Experts with Paula Okonneh

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Hello, and welcome to another episode of Chatting with the Experts where I
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speak with phenomenal women from Africa, from the Caribbean, and in the diaspora.
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These women share my mission, which is to educate, empower, and
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encourage women globally.
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Today's no exception.
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And joining me in a few minutes would be a phenomenal woman.
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Our title today is Girls Talking At Any Age is Needed, and my guest says she
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wants to reintroduce herself to the world.
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She is a publisher.
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She's a strategist.
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She's a coach and a transformational leader who has spent nearly a decade
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helping authors, entrepreneurs, and purpose-driven women bring their message
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to life with clarity and confidence.
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She's also the founder of Empowerment Publishing and Multimedia.
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And has guided over 200 books into the world, many who are of these books
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have become bestsellers, not just as publications, but as platforms for
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impact, for income and for influence.
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And with that, I want to welcome Dr. Lisa Santiago McNeil to
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Chatting with the Experts.
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Welcome, Lisa.
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Thank you for being my guest.
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Thank you so much for having me.
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Wow.
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This is probably the third time that you are blessed me by saying yes,
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but you said to me that you wanted to reintroduce yourself so because I'm
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all about empowering women, encouraging women, and of course educating women.
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I have to say yes.
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Because when you're reintroducing yourself, that
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means there's something new.
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So tell us about that.
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Absolutely.
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Like you read in my bio, I have been all about women for quite
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some time, but I realized that I
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didn't give the same kind of attention to the women after a certain age.
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Not because I didn't give them the attention, but oftentimes I realize
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we, now that I have reached that age myself, actually stand in the
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background at a certain age and let the others come up to the front.
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You know, now it's time for this person.
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Now it's time for that one.
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And I was so comfortable in that standing back that I realized that
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I had assumed or accepted that I don't have any more to give.
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Mm.
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And my relationship with God is such that he talks to me.
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Mm-hmm.
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And he was like, oh, you thought I was finished with you.
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I didn't call you home.
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So why you just think you can do background stuff now?
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There's sisters out there that I need you to reach that still have so much to give.
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I have amazing 80-year-old authors that didn't just write their books,
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honey, but they are touring and promoting and coaching with their
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books at 75, 85, 83 years old.
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And I actually it took God through them to prove to me that they still
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had something to say that was not just
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for themselves or for the old people.
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You know how like sometimes we leave our elders off into the corner?
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Yes.
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And don't give them the attention that they deserve,
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that they've earned through life.
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And so reminding myself to remind them, because I had to remind me.
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I understand not only do they sometimes shrink from their position,
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we sometimes push them there.
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And I realized I was shrinking.
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Yes, I'm still in the front.
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Yes, I'm still line, yes, I'm still all of those things, but I
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wasn't seeking after anything new.
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I was subsisting, if that makes sense.
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Subsisting.
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So not, not just existing.
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I was doing less than existing.
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Wow.
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You know, that it takes some self realizations, self introspection to
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come to that conclusion, you know, and, but there's something that
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you said that jumped out at me.
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Well, first of all, the title you said Girls Talking at Any Age is Needed.
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In other words, whatever age you are, you need to have that conversation,
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conversation with starting probably with yourself and then
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with others, because you said that
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... Both.
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Yeah.
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You mentioned about these 80 year olds who are self-publishing or pub, you know,
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I published their books.
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They're not just published, they're bestsellers.
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Wow.
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They're starting coaching businesses at this age where they can show someone
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about what they've already gone through and lovingly guide them through it
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in a way that someone who just read about it or heard about it can do.
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The experience is different when it's learned experience.
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Yes.
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That's a big one.
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The experience is different when it's learned experience.
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Mm-hmm.
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Because no journey is wasted and you know, interestingly, I was talking
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with my daughter before you and I got on the show and she was saying, you
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know, she was looking back at her young life and saying, you know, there's
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some things now that she understands.
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And she's still young, but it's amazing what she has learned.
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And you know, the older ones, the young, I mean, the.
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They're more mature, the more seasoned, because we mainly talk to women.
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Their experiences are mind blowing.
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And someone said, you know what an older person can see on the ground?
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A child that climbs to the top of the tree can never see.
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And that's the truth.
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Girls talk comes up and allows you to talk about things that might not come up in
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regular conversation that need to come up.
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They need to be rolled around.
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They need to be discussed because sometimes they're scary and silent.
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Yes.
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We hadn't spoken in years until we got on the phone last night.
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Yes.
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And we didn't start with an agenda, we just reconnected.
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And before you knew it, things started happening.
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Yes.
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We're here now as a result of that conversation.
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Absolutely.
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I'm stepping out as a result of that conversation?
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Yeah.
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Oh, you're stepping out.
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You're online every day?
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Yes, I am, but I'm not by myself.
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Mm-hmm.
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I'm typically online for the past 10 years with my wonderful husband.
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Mm-hmm.
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And just being an individual who is still part of a team, but I still
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have individual gifts and talents.
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That I often don't bring out because they don't fit into the team paradigm.
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Got you.
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But by helping women to realize that even you don't have to get rid of your partner,
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you just have to find a place where you're willing to show up as your self undiluted.
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You don't have...
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and that's what I'm decided.
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Yes.
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And that's important.
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It is!
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That's important.
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That's important.
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Yeah.
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Some things that men might not ever understand, they might not ever understand
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why you need to talk about whether it's these hot flashes that I have to fight
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with him and remind him, don't tell me what the temperature of the house is.
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This has nothing to do with that and I'm not interested in what
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the temperature of the house is.
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I am either on fire or I'm on ice,
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and understanding that that conversation has much more contention when it's had
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with him versus an empathetic discussion about temperature with my sister.
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Who might better understand the conversation, may have a suggestion,
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may have encountered it, or may at least understand from the experience, no,
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you're not crazy, it's going to pass.
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Or you're not crazy, it has nothing to do with the thermostat in your house.
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Yes.
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And it helps you to find and regulate your own sanity by having sisters.
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Yes, so true.
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So true.
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So this conversation, more or less, from what I'm hearing from
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you, came from an identity crisis.
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So I realized that.
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Mm-hmm.
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An identity crisis was and is real.
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Mm-hmm.
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I have been
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a survivor and thriver for decades.
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Mm-hmm.
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Had a very tumultuous first and second decade of my life.
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And ensuring that I don't let that hold me down and I don't let that hold me back has
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been my, like, my perseverance throughout my whole, that's what caused the tenacity.
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That's what caused the resilience.
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Right?
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I'm not gonna ever let that happen, but because of that, I
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realized that it developed certain toxic traits in my personality.
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Mm-hmm.
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That were not welcome, but they were necessary.
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For my survival at the time.
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Mm-hmm.
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Now, entering into a season where I don't have the same challenges, I don't have the
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same issues, but I still sometimes revert back to that fight or flight response.
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Mm-hmm.
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My husband said it the other day, we were having a discussion and I realized
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that sometimes I forget, my husband ain't like the people who hurt me in the past.
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Mm-hmm.
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But sometimes my response to him is like, I'm not taking this from you.
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I'm not taking nothing from you because I forget that I don't have
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to interact with him that way.
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Right.
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And he said to me, why are you up here?
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We're just talking about this.
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I don't even disagree with you right now.
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Like, why are you screaming at me?
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Why are you cutting off my head?
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It's because I was still having an identity crisis.
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I'm forgetting that I'm a loving wife in a safe marriage.
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Got you.
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And so I like to parallel it with the caterpillar and the butterfly.
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You never saw a butterfly with a caterpillar bow on her neck?
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Yes.
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She had to leave the caterpillar friends and the caterpillar lifestyle.
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The caterpillar energy behind in order to fly.
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And the thing about women is we don't just do that once.
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We evolve several times.
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You evolve from childhood to teenhood, you evolve from teen to tween, you evolve
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to to adulthood, young adulthood, and all of those evolutions are different.
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And sometimes who you were in the previous metamorphosis is not needed in the next.
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Yes.
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But when we don't allow ourselves to remember that that particular
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tool, that hammer was to bang nails.
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Yes.
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We got screws up here.
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We need to go find the screwdriver.
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That's so deep, Lisa.
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Yes.
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That stage, it was the hammer banging the nail.
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Now we are at a different point of the construction.
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It's the screw driver.
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Yeah.
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And then you may climb going into the next stage of the
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construction where you're painting.
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So you need a paint brush.
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Exactly.
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You need a paintbrush.
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Mm-hmm.
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That hammer is not a bit of benefit in your painting stage.
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Yes.
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But understanding that when we don't recognize that it might look the same.
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Mm-hmm.
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And it's not the same.
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We might still pick up that hammer when we're looking at a
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wall that needs to be painted.
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Yeah.
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Same house, but different needs.
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Stage.
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Different stage and different needs.
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Right.
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True.
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I don't have to destroy the wall right now.
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I have to decorate the wall right now.
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And that's really where the parallel came with skincare and,
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just skincare and hair, period.
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I don't know, you know, that I love doing hair and I love skincare, right?
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But what I also noticed is that those were also positions that
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allowed me to be in very personal close proximity with another person.
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Mm-hmm.
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And that meant that they trusted me enough to sometimes have a
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very, very personal conversation.
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Mm.
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That we were able to navigate through together.
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Mm-hmm.
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On the journey.
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And so when you are helping someone to see their beauty from outside...
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mm-hmm.
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And pour God's word and God's light into them inside.
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Yeah.
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That creates a change that is really the change you're after.
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I don't care if your hair looks good, if your heart is vibrant, you could look
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crazy and people will still say this.
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Something about her.
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Yes.
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Showing my age, but how often did we love Grace Jones?
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Yes.
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Right?
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Yes.
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Because not because she was characteristically beautiful.
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Beautiful.
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Yeah.
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In that way.
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But her presence, her prowess, her strength...
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yeah.
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Her energy was what we needed to tap into ourselves.
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Hey, I'm woman too, you know?
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Yeah.
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Oh my gosh, just calling her name just took me down memory lane and the energy.
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Absolutely.
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Yes.
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Mm-hmm.
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But we wouldn't do that today.
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No.
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But we can still embrace some of that energy without being Grace Jones.
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Now we understand the nuances of the beauty.
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Right now we understand the nuances of it.
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It's not about shaving off your head, even though I've done that too.
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It's not about heavy makeup and glam and all of that.
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It's about allowing yourself to see somebody different in the mirror
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and believe that they have the ability to accomplish anything.
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Yes.
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And you know, you mentioned that, you have had the privilege of working with people
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in close proximity, having conversations, and so not just looking at the outside,
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but the conversations led to you encouraging them so that they, in terms,
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started to love themselves so that that with that self love, as you talked about
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from the caterpillar came the butterfly.
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And I've seen some of the people that you've worked with,
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I've seen them grow and glow.
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Look at that.
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It's the biggest report card that I can ever have is seeing the evolution.
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And let me tell you, I realized this morning as God was giving
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me the downloads, I realized this morning that there is no blasphemy
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in being proud of the part that God let you play in the evolution.
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Right?
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I know I'm not the Holy Spirit, but I can be Paul or Apollos.
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I can do my part to help encourage my sisters to support them into the
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self realization of their greatness.
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Yes,
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yes, yes.
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And I can take credit for that part because God put that part in me to do.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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You know, but the ultimate results are from the Holy Spirit.
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Yes.
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They don't have nothing to do with me.
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You know?
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But I'm grateful.
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I'm still grateful that I get to play any part.
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Any part.
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Yes.
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God plants, Apollos waters, but the Holy Ghost adds the increase, and
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I'm telling you to be on the team.
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That's a privilege.
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That's a privilege.
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I don't have to be this year's MVP.
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Yeah.
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But I am the teammate...
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Yes.
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Of the one who is well able to do exceedingly and abundantly above
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all that we can ask or even think.
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Think!
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That's the part.
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According to the power that works in us.
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And I'm telling you when I think that my power is diminished.
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Mm-hmm.
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This was part of my prayer this morning.
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Mm-hmm.
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I was learning that in the next stage of this relationship with God, leaning and
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depending means two different things.
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Clarify that.
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Leaning... you lean on something when you can't stand on your own.
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Yes.
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You depend on something when you know it has your back.
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Yes.
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I can still do this in my own physical strength, but I know that
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if something happens, He got me.
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Yeah.
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Oh girl, you better preach.
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So right now, back and forth, back and forth between leaning
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and depending, realizing there's no disrespect in depending.
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No.
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There's no disrespect in that.
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I do appreciate the journey where I had to lean on God for my very sanity.
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Yeah.
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Because I couldn't see anything else.
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But it's different now, and that's what the identity crisis is showing me.
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I even get to hear differently.
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Mm-hmm.
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Because I'm like, where are you God?
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I can't hear you.
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You don't even, you don't, I don't feel you.
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Mm-hmm.
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And He reminded me, you are not a baby anymore.
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Mm-hmm.
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I told you that you had to desire more.
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Right?
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You done had all this milk.
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It's time for you to get some steak.
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So I'm not going to pity pat with you.
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I'm not going to coddle you every time I see you.
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I'm here.
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You are at the age where you should know I'm here.
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Your father is home.
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You don't have to go check and make sure he's still sitting there.
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Mm-hmm.
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He's there.
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So it was a change in understanding of the relationship with God.
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There are certain parts that He expects us to do, but He's still there.
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And I think, Lisa, and that's where He enables us to move
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into the next stage with grace.
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With grace.
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Yes.
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Because then you are able to step in knowing you know that
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he's got your back, as you said.
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Exactly.
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You can depend upon Him.
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It's scary, but like for me, that's a widow, I learned that the future becomes
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less scary because I know He's there.
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That's right.
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You know?
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So I'm stepping in.
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I'm not, I'm still afraid, but I know He's there.
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He's there.
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He's there.
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Absolutely.
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And that...
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And some of the messages keep coming back.
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Mm-hmm.
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He's still there.
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And knowing that then you were called for a purpose and that purpose didn't
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come from, you didn't wake up one morning and say, I'm gonna do this.
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No.
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You were told you've gotta do this, but I've got you.
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Yes.
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He tells us that He reiterates it over and over again.
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Mm-hmm.
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In Jeremiah 29 and 11, He says, I know the plans that I have for
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you, plans of good and not of evil, that you will have a desired end.
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He is already purchased a position for, He is already established, rather
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a position that He wants us to play.
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But unfortunately, some of it came with a training session that
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we didn't know to appreciate.
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Yes.
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Because it was hard.
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Because it was hard, or it hurt or
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Yes.
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You know, it didn't feel good.
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No, no.
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It's like you had, you were in my conversation with
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my daughter this morning.
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Right?
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The thing is, that's there's so much similarity in our lives.
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Not just you and me, but women, period.
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Yes.
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That we may go through them in a different color.
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Yes.
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Through a different lens, but they're still similar stories.
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Mm-hmm.
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The elements are still there.
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Trials and triumph.
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Yes.
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You don't recognize a triumph if it wasn't a trial proceeding it.
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And how can you know something is good if you don't have
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anything to compare it with?
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You know what I mean?
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You've gotta have something on your, oh, it was better than, okay,
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so this is good because yesterday wasn't in comparison to yesterday.
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Okay.
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This is good.
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You know?
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Exactly.
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So, exactly.
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Oh my God.
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And I was challenged to further embark upon finding my identity.
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You know, like even my things that worked on my skin for
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years that suddenly didn't work.
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Mm.
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I I didn't understand what older was supposed to look like.
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Mm-hmm.
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And so I thought older just meant stay home.
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Nobody have to look at you.
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If anything couldn't be the opposite.
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You're right, but that's when you embark upon what, or at least for
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me, when I would embark upon what was appropriate and what I actually needed.
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Both for my skin, for my hair, for my heart.
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For your heart.
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Yeah.
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For my heart.
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I started with the external evolution.
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I'm telling you that it had me in a place of depression because I
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didn't know what I didn't know.
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I didn't know who I was.
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I didn't know who I was changing to.
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Who's this old lady that I see in the morning when I look in the mirror?
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It was very challenging for me.
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Mm-hmm.
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And the first part of the training, because as you can see right now,
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I don't have a lot of makeup on.
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I have on lipstick.
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'cause I think it's pretty,
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I love lipstick too.
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That's why you're my friend.
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But learning, even washing my face with a different attitude, I feel like I
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look better when I look in the mirror.
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When I wash my face and I'm thinking, oh, I'll feel better when I put on my makeup.
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Then I have some contention.
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But when I have reminded myself that I am fearfully, wonderfully made.
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Mm-hmm.
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Mm-hmm.
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Created in the image of God.
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Mm-hmm.
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And for a purpose.
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Then even before I put that makeup on and I do put my eyebrows
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on, honey, lemme say something,
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but even before I put that makeup on, I can already start feeling rejuvenated.
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Mm-hmm.
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I can start feeling like a person with purpose.
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Because I have taken care of the foundation, which is the heart.
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The heart.
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Yes.
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Knowing that you are wonderfully and marvelously made in His sight matters.
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It does.
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It matters every day because then as you say, you've taken care of the heart
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so that when you go out there and you meet people, you can encourage them.
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You know, sometimes it's just a smile, Lisa, because your heart is okay.
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You can look at someone, you can genuinely smile at them.
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So here's the part about that when you feel depleted, when I
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was feeling depleted, I know that my call, if you will, my call in
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some terms right, is still there.
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Mm-hmm.
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But I had nothing to give.
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Mm.
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And I was forgetting that I don't give from myself.
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I give from my overflow.
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Yes.
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And the reason why I had nothing to give is because there
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was nothing pouring into me.
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Mm-hmm.
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I had to get refilled first.
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Mm-hmm.
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But then I found myself hiding.
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Literally shrinking because I know, like you said, when you smile at someone,
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they light up and they smile back.
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It's an opening, if you will.
25:39
It's an invitation to engage.
25:41
Mm-hmm.
25:42
So I felt myself intentionally shrinking, intentionally not smiling.
25:48
Mm-hmm.
25:49
Intentionally trying to be as abstract as possible.
25:54
Mm-hmm.
25:56
And if that's your way, that's fine.
26:00
But it wasn't my way.
26:02
But I didn't believe in myself, so I had to figure out myself
26:07
because I didn't recognize myself.
26:09
It was an identity crisis.
26:11
It was an like, who are you?
26:13
You don't look like who you look like.
26:15
You don't feel like who you feel like.
26:17
You don't stand up from seated position like you used to.
26:20
You got aches and pains.
26:23
Like, who are you?
26:24
And I'm looking at myself, and I'm not recognizing myself because I'm
26:29
basing it on an old picture and having to replace and embrace a new stage.
26:44
It was difficult and it still is.
26:46
It's a process.
26:47
This is a work in process.
26:49
Part of it is doing it even when it's uncomfortable.
26:52
Doing it when it's even uncomfortable.
26:55
Yes.
26:56
That's a big part.
26:58
And that's the part that probably we gonna have when we open up to
27:01
the audience who have joined us.
27:04
We can talk more about that.
27:05
'cause I'm looking at the time and I know that time matters for you.
27:10
So for anyone listening to this and who's not in the audience, who would
27:14
like to get in touch with you, Dr. Lisa, how can they connect with you online?
27:21
They can connect with me on all of the platforms and I am Lisa Santiago
27:26
McNeil everywhere, the real Lisa Santiago or Lisa Santiago McNeil.
27:33
And if you wanna connect with me directly, you're welcome to
27:35
put my phone number out there.
27:37
It, uh, we're gonna put it in the chat.
27:40
Yes.
27:40
And that's (704) 493-2035
27:45
Or you can connect with me online at linktr.ee/lisasantiagomcneill
27:53
I'll drop all of that in the chat.
27:55
And for those of you who are looking at this, if you'd like to be a
27:59
guest, just like Lisa was, please reach out to me on my website,
28:03
which is chattingwiththeexperts.com.
28:06
I'm also on linkedIn, my professional page there is Chatting with the Experts.
28:12
I'm on Instagram and my handle there is at chat_experts_podcast.
28:19
I'm also on Facebook.
28:21
My professional page there is Chatting with the Experts
28:25
and I have a YouTube channel.
28:27
Please reach out to me there.
28:29
Of course it is Chatting with the Experts.
28:31
There, you'll be able to see other episodes of phenomenal women just like
28:37
Dr. Lisa Santiago McNeil, who have shared and encouraged and empowered other women
28:46
globally, just like Dr. Lisa has done.
28:49
So subscribe to the my YouTube channel there, and every week you'll hear from
28:54
another woman, just like Dr. Lisa, who also wants to educate, empower, and
29:00
encourage women globally just like us.
29:04
Thank you so much.
29:05
And now we will open up the floor to other women who have joined us.
29:10
Thank you.