Latest / Success Story with Scott Clary / Lessons - How to Transform Your Personal Narrative Into Your Greatest Strength | Nona Jones - Resilience Expert

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Lessons - How to Transform Your Personal Narrative Into Your Greatest Strength | Nona Jones - Resilience Expert · Success Story with Scott Clary

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  In this lessons episode, discover how to turn life's harshest rejections into catalysts
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  for growth with a simple four-step framework. Learn why observing your inner talk track reveals
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  the root beliefs holding you back. Learn how pausing and exploring those beliefs
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  frees you from old trauma. Learn how naming your next step empowers you to move forward with
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  purpose. Obviously that has an impact on your talk track because then you start to see signs
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  that rejection is a gift. But is there is there work that somebody has to do beyond that?
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  That's like a shock. That's like a sort of a flash in the pan event and you're like oh shit,
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  it's like a wake up call, which is it's good. Those things, those things help. But
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  for somebody who's gone through a life of trauma, how do they rewrite their talk track fully?
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  I think now that I'm kind of on the other side of this revelation, I truly believe that it starts
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  with observing what is the talk track because what's going to have to happen in order to even get
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  to a place of healing and freedom is you're going to have to be able to go back to the place where
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  the defeat happened. You're going to have to be able to go back to the place where there were words
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  that were spoken over you. There was an action that was taken because sometimes it's not even words.
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  It's what people do. It's the fact that your father chose to leave when you were in elementary
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  school. It's the fact that this person that you loved chose to leave and be with somebody else.
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  It's not even what they said, it's what they did. So you have to go back and you have to begin
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  to ask yourself, what did I believe because of what was said or because of what was done? And
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  is that true? For example, when he cheated on me, I thought no one will ever want me. How could
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  anyone ever want me? Like, I gave my heart to this guy and he basically discarded it. No one will
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  ever want me. Well, as it turns out, I actually had other relationships after him. Some of them
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  were crazy, but one in particular ended in marriage and my husband and I have been married now for
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  20 years. And so this, this idea that no one will ever want me actually isn't true. And here's
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  the thing, even if I never got married, this is where I know there are some people who don't
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  necessarily believe in like God or spirituality or anything like that. But I want to say this,
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  I was a microbiology and self-science major in college. I love science. I love math. I think I
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  took up to like count five. I love calculus of all the things. It is literally impossible.
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  There is no law of physics where order descends from chaos. Think about it like this. If a
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  chandelier drops from the ceiling and crashes onto the ground, I don't care how many millennia go by,
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  it's not going to either reform into a chandelier or something beautiful and amazing, right?
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  It's going to just continue to disintegrate. And I say that because no matter what you've been told,
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  you are not a mistake. No matter what has happened to you, you are not an accident. Somebody else's
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  choice was not your fault. And it doesn't invalidate the purpose on your life. And so you have to
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  observe, what is the talk track? And is it true? Because even if they didn't want you, the reality
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  is you are here because you have purpose on your life. I mentioned this before we press record. And I
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  think it's just an interesting point. I want to get your perspective on it. And I love that. I love
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  that. I love that sort of that thought experience. It makes a lot of sense when you lay it out how
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  everyone is, it takes so much, there's so many coincidences or however you want to call it that
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  we're alive here living today. It almost seems impossible. I think statistically it is almost
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  impossible that we're alive living here today. But I think that a lot of people, they don't have
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  spirituality and I think less and less people have got in their life. And maybe not just
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  speak about the important, speak about if somebody does not have God in their life, what problems do
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  they run into when facing rejection? Is there, is there ways that God's spirituality helps? I'm sure
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  because I mean, you've mentioned it that it's impacted your life twice just in this conversation.
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  But if somebody doesn't have that peace in their life, what is the puzzle piece or the component
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  that they're missing that they should try and solve for to make some of these difficult life
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  events a little bit easier? I love this question because what I can tell you first of all, I did not
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  grow up in a church going home. Like I didn't grow up in a situation where I just knew about the
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  Bible or Jesus or God or any of that. I had my own encounter, my own awakening, my own experience.
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  And what I will tell you is I had my own awakening in the middle of being abused and not
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  not the act, but I'm saying in the chronology of my life, the abuse was still happening. And so
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  what it did for me is my awareness about God. There's a, there's a verse of Scripture in the
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  Bible that says it's in Romans chapter 8 verse 28 and what it says is that God will work all things
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  together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. What that
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  says to me and what that even said to me then is this situation may not be good, but God has
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  made a promise to work it together for my good, which means I have to figure out what is the good
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  in this? Like that, that what is what is the kernel of good in this that could serve other people?
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  I think what, what spirituality does, what faith does is it gives you an anchor for hope.
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  In the absence of, of the belief that all things will work together for my good, you can get so
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  fixated on the bad and what happened that you lose sight of this will eventually work together
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  for my good. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even next year, but I know at some point
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  I will look back on this situation and I will be able to say, oh, that's why that happened.
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  I think about my God, I think about the rejection of my mom, I think about the many times I was
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  cheated on, I think about professional rejection, like deep, deep rejections that I've experienced
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  and every single experience has worked together in some way for my purpose and for the ability to
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  serve other people. And so even if a person doesn't have a faith or spirituality, I do think that
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  what we ultimately need is we need hope. And that's why the gift of rejection is really a message
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  about hope. It sounds crazy, right? It's like, how can you say rejection is a gift? But understanding
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  that it is is a source of hope. And I take my hope from my faith in God and just knowing that
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  it may not feel good, but it will eventually be good if I just continue in persevere in this,
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  in this situation. I think it's beautiful, but I think the biggest issue with, with lack of faith
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  or spirituality or God and I've, I love this, I don't love this concept, but I love sort of this
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  thought experiment is when you do not have God or spirituality in your life, something else
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  becomes your God or your spirituality and it could be, it could be money, it could be women,
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  it could be gambling, it could be drugs, it could be alcohol, it could even be work, which is
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  technically not a vice, but it cannot be all consuming. And when shit hits the fan,
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  none of these things really give hope because they're, they're, they're not things that you,
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  they're not things that like kind of like exactly what you describe, they let you see some potential
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  better future. They're just sort of these vices in the moment. And I think people, yes.
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  You're absolutely right. We, we actually all do have a place that we look to for hope.
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  Some of us, and you use the exact right word is like, our God is something. For some of us,
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  our God is frankly ourselves. Like we're like, look, I, I'm got it all figured out and I'll make it
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  happen and I'll make it, but there comes a point where you just realize that you've exhausted all
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  of your personal resources. And, and you need, you need that higher power to be able to, to
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  kind of re-infuse the sense that, yeah, I can't do this on my own. I can't. And I have, I have a
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  bunch of friends who are APS and agnostic and I'll also, I'll always joke with them because I'm like,
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  you guys actually have more faith than I do because you have to have a lot of faith to look around
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  at all this and be like, I just came from nowhere, you know, you have that. So we all have faith in
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  something. Yeah. No, that's, I love that. I want to, just to a framework that people can at
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  least walk away with. And I'm just going to caveat with this. So, so the book is out now. So you
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  can get it wherever you get your books. Like we'll put, we'll put the links in the show though,
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  to whatnot. But one framework that you speak about is the open framework. And so I just want to
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  leave people with a framework they can take away and they're going to go dive into the book and
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  learn a little bit more obviously. But I want to, I want to unpack that one. Thank you for, for
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  even offering me the opportunities to do this because one of the things I am very careful about
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  as a writer is I don't ever want people to read my books and just be like, oh, that was nice. I
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  don't know what to do with it. That's, honestly, one of the reasons I write my books is because I want
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  people to be able to have practical tools that they can apply that I had to discover on my own,
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  because I couldn't find it anywhere else. So the open framework is, it's essentially kind of a
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  four part framework that will help you really start to get intentional about understanding what is
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  the gift in this rejection experience. And so the, oh, stands for observe. And I talked about this
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  a little bit earlier, but what you want to do is when a rejection happens before you allow yourself
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  to mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually spiral into your normal rabbit hole,
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  you want to observe what am I thinking and what am I feeling? What are the thoughts that are just
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  automatically playing in my mind? What are the feelings that are just automatically cascading
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  through my body? And when you kind of pause and you, and you actually think about the thoughts,
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  like metacognition, like you think about the thoughts, you're actually able to then begin to
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  pinpoint where did this come from? Where did this, this belief that nobody wants me? Where did this
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  idea come from? And once you can actually pinpoint where the idea came from, now you have something
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  that you can start to work with, okay? And it's important to pinpoint it because until you identify
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  where it comes from, you'll think it's you. You'll think this was just my own thought, but I promise
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  you, 95% of what we think after we experience rejection was seeded into us by words somebody else
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  said. So start with observing. Secondly, what I encourage people to do is just pause. Just pause.
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  Don't allow yourself to act because sometimes what we'll do is the pain will be so real that
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  we'll just want to either get back at the person immediately. We'll want to take some sort of
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  action to try to, you know, nullify the pain. No, just just pause. What I do is I pause and I pray.
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  And I actually bring those thoughts to God. I'm like, okay, I just thought my thought was no one
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  will ever want me. No one ever supports me. No one ever. And I bring it to God because that
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  then gives me the opportunity to reflect on is this true? You know, as I've been releasing this book
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  about rejection, I've been experiencing so much rejection. God, it's been crazy. I run it. And I got
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  isn't ironic. And I got to a place where I literally felt I was like, man, nobody's nobody
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  supporting me. But as I pause and I prayed about that, I had to actually reflect on the fact that
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  wait a minute. A lot of people are supporting me. And there are people supporting me who I've
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  even not even met before. And like even being on this platform is just such a gift because it's
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  like you so lovingly cultivated this platform. And yet you're inviting me on it. Like that is a gift
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  that counters the idea that nobody supports me. Nobody wants to be right. So we pause and we
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  pause and for me, I pray and I just get into a meditative place. And then the E is explore.
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  So I believe that every rejection has a lesson that it can teach us about ourselves or about
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  others. In the case of my book release and, you know, having some folks that I thought I could count
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  on not show up for me. As I explored that, what I realized is I placed them in a category of
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  friendship that they actually worked in. Like these are people that I supported. These are people
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  that I just knew would show up for me that didn't. And so as I explored it, I realized, oh,
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  our relationship actually isn't where I thought it was. So now I don't hold a grudge against you
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  because you didn't show up. I just realized I can't count on you for what I thought I could count on
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  you for. And so that then changes the nature of the relationship. And the last step, which is in
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  the end stands for name. And what I talk about is just name your next step. So you've observed your
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  thoughts. You know how you're feeling. You've paused. You've actually explored the lessons and
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  the experience. Now what are you going to do with what you've learned and how's it going to change
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  the way that you show up? So that's the open framework at a nutshell. And you're right, I go into a
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  lot more detail in the book, but, but it's practical. And it's something that I'd even used as I've
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  experienced rejection of releasing the book. And it works. Thanks for tuning in. If you found this
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  valuable, don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode. And if you want
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  to dive deeper into this conversation, check out the links in the description to watch the full
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  episode. See you in the next one.