Latest / System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation / Em Standing Up

Transcript

Em Standing Up · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over:
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: I'm just shaking. There are so many times that I have gotten on this podcast to cry, but my whole being is shaking. I am neurologically shot way outside my window of tolerance. Because I did it, I finally I took care of my kids when they needed me. I did something hard and scary.
• 1:44
  I didn't fail. I didn't leave them in a difficult situation. I did a good job. I took care of my kids, and that feels powerful. That feels good.
• 2:03
  But it's left me shaking. For the whole summer, the children have gone to a local center where they rotate through structured activities, and they've had a blast with swimming and bowling and skating, all of the things. And it has, for the first time since quarantine, given us a bit of a break, enough to breathe and to be and to recover from those two really hard years and all the years that came before that. It's been good for all of us between COVID waves for them to go and play with peers, children their own age, to socialize, to play, to be children. But yesterday, when we picked them up, my youngest son told me he had something he wanted to talk about in private.
• 3:05
  Usually, when they ask for a private conversation, it's because there's a new word they've heard, and they wanna check it out before they try it out. Besides that, the triplets are now teenagers, and the twins are tweenagers. And our youngest thinks she's 30 already. So sometimes their private conversations are about big feelings or noticing others or wondering if what they're experiencing is romantic or biological and how to tell the difference and what to do about it or not. It's been interesting to say the least, People starting to notice people, and it's taught me a lot about myself as I learn, as I learn to help them.
• 3:59
  It's hard for me to remember when I was their age, but I know parts of me do, and I know we've been talking about that in therapy. But yesterday, when my son asked for a private conversation, I was expecting some new naughty word, and I wondered which one it was and how I would explain what it actually means, when to use it or not, and why we say it or we don't. But when I had a chance to pull him aside and he started to talk to me, my stomach dropped to the floor as he told me what had happened to him. Nothing as bad or scary as what I had been afraid of, letting them out of the house at all. He said to me, I think my teacher is grooming me.
• 4:58
  I was taken aback, and I was in shock, and I was surprised that he remembered the word. We've talked about it because of things that happened to them in foster care. We've talked about it when they have sex ed at school. We talk about it in child abuse prevention with therapy. So I know that they know the word, one of those words that we're also talking about in therapy.
• 5:33
  And I know those are hard conversations in therapy. I tried to stay calm and tried to stay present. And I asked him what that meant to him. He said, my teacher told me I was special. And he said, my teacher says I'm the only one who can help him.
• 6:01
  And my teacher says that I can play basketball with him if I'm the one who chases the balls because I'm the only one who can do so good at that. I asked him directly if his teacher had said or done or touched him in any way that had made him uncomfortable. He said to me, no. But I wanted to tell you before that happened because you said that if we told you that you would help us that you would help keep us safe. I asked how this started, and he shared that because he has difficulty with emotional regulation, the teacher had been spending one on one time with him to help him stay calm in the stimulating environment.
• 6:57
  He said his teacher had not talked to him about bodies at all. He said his teacher had not touched his body at all. Then he said, we just talk about church. And I said, what do you mean that you talk about church? He said, my teacher tells me about how God loves me and that I'm special.
• 7:31
  That sent the hairs up on the back of my neck. Even though those are things that I believe are true, it seems the wrong time, the wrong place, and the wrong way for that to feel right even if words are true. I asked him what else he said, and he said that his teacher told him that he goes to the wrong church, that our church is bad and not real and all the things that people say when they don't understand what you really think or believe or why you choose what you do. And while I understand not everyone agrees with us, and while I do want my children to think for themselves and decide for themselves, That's my job as a mother. And it's my job as a chaplain to know about different faiths and what is shared and what is different and those who choose none.
• 8:54
  And I talk to the children about those things. Because I am their mother, it is not his job at the center to tell my child that what he believes is wrong or to keep secrets from his parents or not to tell anyone that he's special. And so the things that the teacher told him about specifics, I won't get into. We talked about that, and we looked things up, and we talked about going to the source. We talked about my own experiences briefly in safe ways about people who said they represented God but didn't and how things go wrong and people get hurt when people are not loved safely and carefully and well.
• 9:57
  And when my son felt better and went off to play, I called the husband, and I talked to him about what happened. And part of me said, this is why we can't live here. This is part of why we have to leave. This is part of why we need to run away. Maybe we need to homeschool again because I was in a panic, and I felt triggers I didn't want to see and things from the past too hard to know.
• 10:38
  And I felt slimy, but he reassured me and we talked about it. And I don't think that the center is actually bad for the children. They really love it there, and it's been good for them. And they get their therapy services, and they're happy. But that can be true at the same time as what happened with the staff was not okay.
• 11:08
  Both can be true. I learned that in therapy. And so this morning, I put on my brave pants. And when I took them to drop them off at the center, instead of opening the van at the curb to watch them scamper off, I parked in a parking place and turned the van off and walked them inside. I got in trouble because they don't let just all the grown ups go inside.
• 11:50
  You check them at the door, and they have computer identification just like at the schools. But the door was propped open, and I walked through and went straight to the director's office. And I said, I need to speak with you, and I will wait. And someone else came by and said, you can't be back here. And I said, I will speak to you, and I will wait.
• 12:22
  And someone else tried to show me back to the lobby, and I said, I will speak to you, and I will wait. I said it louder that time, and I was shaking. Just being in trouble is a trigger, I think. And so I was scared, and I was afraid, and I didn't know what was going to happen. But I was going to stay calm.
• 12:57
  I wasn't there for drama. I wasn't there to throw some sort of fit. I was there in my adult brain, as the husband says. To communicate with the director so that she can do her job of educating the staff and investigating what happened so that all the children there can be safe. And so I waited calmly, and she came quickly.
• 13:41
  And I told her everything that had happened, that my concerns were not just the topics of conversation which were not appropriate, but also that my son had been isolated. That my son had used the word grooming, that the teacher had said not to tell his parents, and that the teacher had said if he talked to anyone, he would get fired. And so it should be a secret. And like me, the director was concerned. And I wanted to cry because I said something and because they listened.
• 14:39
  And she said and she talked to me about how she would handle things on her end. But she asked if I also wanted to file a report with the police. And I said yes. And I was scared because the police are also a trigger. Because what I was doing was hard.
• 15:09
  But this is my son. And because there are parts of me that need to know that I can stand up, that I can stand up, that we are safe, that we can keep ourselves safe. So when the police came and were confused because there was nothing that there could actually be any charges pressed against. I said, I'm just filing a report. It's information that you should have on file.
• 15:52
  And there are more details to all of this that I've not shared for my son's privacy and for our own. But I'm really proud of me. I took care of my kids and I did the right thing. And there's so many times that I wonder if I can or if I have or if my weaknesses and my trauma and my struggles are in the way. But today, today I was a good mom in all the right ways even when it was hard.
• 16:36
  Today, I took care of my kids. Today, I said no. Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing.