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Practical Ways to Love Your Valentine · Talking FACS

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  Welcome to Talking Facts, what you need to know about family,
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  food, finance, and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized, award-winning podcast is hosted by the University
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  of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families,
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  and communities to improve quality of life.
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  True love stories are rarely like the fairy tales or made-for-TV movies,
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  but require dedication and hard work.
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  Welcome to Talking Facts. We share information you can use to strengthen your
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  family, your community, and our state.
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  I am your host, Mindy McCulley, Extension Specialist for Instructional Support
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  with Family and Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
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  We are housed in the Martin Gatton College of Agriculture, Food, and Environment.
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  Whether you are in a new relationship or have been in love with your Valentine
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  for many years or even decades,
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  you know that true love stories are rarely like the fairy tales or made-for-TV
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  movies, but require dedication and hard work.
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  My guest today, Dr.
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  David Weisenhorn, Extension Specialist for Parenting and Child Development,
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  is here to share practical ways to love your Valentine. Welcome, David.
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  Thank you, Mandy. I love the way you introduced this talk today,
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  this time we get to share today.
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  I really do. It's funny how sometimes you're not sure how it's going to open
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  and you couldn't have opened it any better.
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  I love the way that you, one, you invited newlyweds or new couples as well as
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  those that have been doing it a long time, because I do believe.
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  That regardless if you've been loving your valentine a long
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  time or not it's always good to to get a reminder and
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  just to check in and make sure we're doing that right and if you don't if you
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  haven't had one it's always good to know before you get into it exactly and
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  require of you you know that's right yeah it's so i think as you said before
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  we started to record it's not always roses and chocolates right that's right
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  you know and so i you know what i have in true transparency.
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  I haven't always been a proponent, somebody who cheers on Valentine's Day.
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  I haven't always loved Valentine's Day, but the thing I like about Valentine's
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  Day is that it's a really good reminder.
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  At least there's one day a year that says, hey, you've got somebody important
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  in your life. It's important to give them something.
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  But unfortunately, that's become a bit more commercialized than I think it really is.
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  And so it kind of, along with that, if you have somebody you love in your life,
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  it kind of wraps in this idea that you got to buy something for them.
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  And while I think it's nice to get gifts and to give gifts, I think there are
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  a lot of gifts, especially the ones I like to get and the ones I like to give
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  that don't require us to exchange any money for those.
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  And that's the heart of what I want to share today.
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  I could not agree with you more. And as someone who has been married for more
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  than 30 years, I can say that I think you've got some great tips that we're
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  going to share together today.
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  Well, good. I think, you know, I think in some ways it sounds like news that
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  might not come all that shocking.
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  I think the first thing, I'm just going to jump right in, Mindy.
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  The first tip that I want to give or the first gift that we can really give
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  our spouse and perhaps the best gift we can give them all year long is to be
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  effective communicators.
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  Just good old-fashioned, honest and open communication.
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  It is the foundation of a healthy marriage. It's a foundation of a healthy relationship.
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  There's plenty of research, literally 50 years of research that shows that couples
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  who communicate effectively,
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  They just live more satisfying lives and have a more satisfying relationship at the end of the day.
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  And so how do you do that, Mindy? What are the keys to effective communication?
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  I really believe the number one thing is active listening, just being an active listener.
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  And that sounds so simple, but there's something to it. It's active.
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  It means you got to do something.
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  It requires energy.
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  To listen to somebody. And it means I'm engaged with you.
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  I am hanging on every word that you say, processing the words that are coming
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  out of your mouth. I'm listening for emotions and I'm looking at you for your
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  nonverbal communication.
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  And those things just said like that sound like a lot to me.
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  You know, Mindy, because they are, they are a lot.
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  You know, I recognize even in my own habits of the day that there are times
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  where my wife might be talking to me and I can be even in the same room and
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  recognize that my eyes aren't even,
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  I haven't once looked at her to see what she's actually saying.
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  And you go back to, as a child development specialist, you look at early communication with children.
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  I mean, we teach our babies to communicate non-verbally with us before we do.
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  Any type of verbal communication.
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  So many children learn sign language early on.
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  And I think what that shows is that it's an easier and perhaps even a more preferred
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  method of communication that we all have.
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  So when we're listening, we got to be looking at each other.
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  How many times do we get down on a child's level so that they can see us and we can see their eyes.
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  And we don't do that with our spouses. Oh, well said.
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  You know, and really quickly dismiss it. Like, yeah, I heard you. I'm listening.
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  I'm listening. But yet we're looking maybe at our phone or watching something
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  that's got our attention.
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  And in that act of listening, another part is not just being active and engaged
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  in what you're saying, but I'm also going to repeat what I've heard.
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  You know, in some ways that's kind of been played off in our society as kind
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  of being cheeky or like, that's the therapist.
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  So what I hear you saying is, and we kind of tease that and poke at that,
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  but that's really exactly the way we should be listening to really anybody,
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  but actively listening.
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  That's what it requires. And you'll know that if you would think back to like
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  kindergarten or first grade, when we did the telephone exercise and you wondered why The statement, Mr.
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  Jones teaches math becomes, I don't like to give my dog a bath in just three short people.
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  It's because communication is a tricky process.
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  You know, you wonder like, how did I lose it?
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  How did what I hear sound so different than what was actually said?
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  The reality is, is if we're not letting people know what we've heard,
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  what we've interpreted their statement to be, make sure that,
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  hey, we're having the same conversation that I'm in this thing.
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  And so that's a real important piece of that effect of communication is that
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  I'm, I'm actively listening. I'm repeating what you're saying,
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  but I'm also going to express my emotions.
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  And in doing so, we're going to discuss hopefully what's happening positive
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  in our, in our relationship, but also maybe what is challenging in our lives.
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  And then to do this on a regular basis, to have these conversations on a frequent basis.
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  And don't think just because you're in a new relationship or a new partnership
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  that it's going to get easier with time because you have to keep doing it.
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  You have to keep working at it.
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  Yeah, you're so right. There's research that says that a good,
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  healthy relationship should spend six hours a week, six hours a week in communication.
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  That's a lot of hours. Yeah.
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  Some, now there's a psychologist that's looking at it that says,
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  listen, the bare, absolute bare minimum is 90 minutes a week.
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  And so they're trying to chop it up and give you the least amount.
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  But the reality is, is that, yeah, being in relationship and having a strong
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  relationship, a good bond, requires our time, requires regular engagement.
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  Well, and if we're willing to give 30 minutes to an hour a day at the gym,
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  why are we not willing to give that to our spouse or our partner? I love that. Exactly.
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  You know, if you break that down 90 minutes a week, you're talking about 13
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  minutes a day, somewhere like that, not even, you know what I mean?
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  So if I can't give you 15 minutes of my time, then maybe I need to reevaluate
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  the state of this relationship.
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  Maybe this isn't as highly important as I thought it was.
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  So communication is so, so important, but I think you have two more points.
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  So what's our second point?
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  Acts of service. Okay. This is demonstrating love through action.
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  And this can be so extremely powerful.
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  Gary Chapman wrote a whole book called The Five Love Languages and identifies
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  this, acts of service, as one of the primary ways people express and receive love.
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  It's those simple gestures of taking something off of the to-do list of your
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  partner and getting it done, you know, without really asking permission and
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  what an opportunity that is to just.
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  To what he calls is investing in that love bank, right? Like I'm going to make
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  a deposit that shows you I care about you.
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  I'm going to do something small that can help you out.
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  And not expecting anything in return. Yeah, absolutely.
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  Yeah. And it reinforces these small acts. I mean, we're talking about,
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  you know, I think about my day.
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  I think about the routines in my day and how bringing a cup of coffee to my
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  wife or you know what, even better than that, If I make the coffee,
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  if I set the coffee maker up the night before, I put the grinds in it and the
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  water and set the timer to go off in the morning, that just goes so far and it's nothing.
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  Just going to the grocery store and taking, saying, you know what,
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  Ellen, I got dinner tonight. I've got it covered.
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  Just means so much to her. It's so much off of her list.
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  It reinforces the sense that, hey, in this partnership, there's mutual support. I got your back.
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  And that really leads to that next point of yours.
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  Yeah, which is quality time together. Are we spending time?
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  So while the research shows that, hey, we need to be spending at least 90 minutes
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  a week just talking about having good conversations about our marriage.
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  Let's just talk about the breakdown.
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  How are we doing, right? How is the household running? How is this thing going?
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  Are we financially sound?
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  Just kind of the nuts and bolts. They're saying 90 minutes, But then you got
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  to do at least that 90 minutes, same amount of time.
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  In spending time together and something, some time that has got some real sense
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  of togetherness about it, that we're going to create these lasting memories.
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  We're going to have emotional bonding time.
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  This time, this 90 minutes I'm talking about, this quality time is going on
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  a date, that we're going to spend time together away from the mayhem and away
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  from the chaos. We're not going going to talk about how the house is run.
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  We're going to go enjoy and invest in each other, spending time together. Love that.
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  So it sounds simple.
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  Communicate, spend time together, and do things for one another.
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  But it really does require that investment into one another's love thing.
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  See there, it's simple. I love it. So practical ways to love your Valentine,
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  this Valentine, and every day will make more happy relationships.
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  David, thanks so much for your time today. Always a pleasure, Mindy. Thank you.
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  Music.