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12 - The Scorpion. · The Scorpion by Anna Elisabet Weirauch.

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: For the third time during one of her walks, Myra
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: suddenly found herself on that corner in the suburbs on
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: which stood Sophie's little house, but this time she did
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: not turn quickly in the opposite direction. Instead, she walked
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: down a street flooded with late autumn sunlight, quite bathed
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: in whiteness except for the thin tremulous shadows cast by
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: the delicate plumage of the young mountain ashes. Myra no
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: longer remembered the number, but it would not be difficult
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: to discover the house. It must be the third to
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: the right. Yes, the garden gate bore a rather striking nameplate,
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: and above the arbor the little pennant was hanging limply
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: in the motionless air. Myra's heart beat somewhat faster as
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: she opened the little grill gate. She was as embarrassed
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: as she had been as a child when she had
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: to go to strange houses and knock on strange doors.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: If she walked right into the garden they would stare
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: at her in some surprise. No one would remember her name,
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: no one would recall her face. They would ask her
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: what right she had to force her way in here. Oh,
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: she would create a very painful situation for herself and others.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: It would certainly be better to climb the short flight
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: of steps to the front entrance and give one's card
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: to the maid. Then they could bundle her off with
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: a polite remark if they no longer remembered her. Hesitantly,
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: she retraced a few steps. But they must already have
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: seen her, or heard the crunching of the gravel. A
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: blonde head appeared behind the house. Ah, Miss Rudloff. Little
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: John literally sprang forward to meet her, and for the
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: first few moments she forgot all that she had heard
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: about him, all that she had thought about him, and
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: was captivated by his boyish charm, by the lightness of
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: his movements which were like a dancer's. How nice of
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: you to come. No, no, right this way, there's no
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: need to go through the house. We've spoken of you frequently,
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: wondering where you were. Nora will be frightfully glad to
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: see you. Safa still has something to do, but she'll
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: be down any moment. He led her past a green
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: wall where the first plump beans were hanging between countless
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: red and white flowers. In the narrow beds flocks and
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: asters were a riot of dazzling colors. They were surrounded
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: by a golden-green border of fragrant mignonette. In the big
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: hexagonal arbor a cozy tea table was spread. Myra also
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: experienced a slight unconfessed fear of meeting Nora again. Now
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: she was almost gratefully surprised by her beauty, and by
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: the commanding nobility of her movements. Nora was so accustomed
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: to her ailment that it never even occurred to her
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: to make an attempt to rise only to have to
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: sink back helpless and pitiable in her chair. She sat
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: a little stiffly and very regally, extending her hand to
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: Myra with a winning smile. Beside her sat Ulrich Zidane,
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: who in his haste to spring up and come out
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: from behind the table imperiled the tea-service, which caused both
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: John and Myra to clutch frantically at it. The result
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: was a merry confusion which got them over the first
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: few moments of what might have been painful formality, and
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: the conversation became general and lively. In a few moments Sophie, too,
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: emerged from the house with a long quick stride. She
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: greeted Myra very cordially, demanding a cup of tea right away.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: She insisted on drinking it standing. only to let them
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: force her into a chair where she chatted for a
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: quarter of an hour, declaring anxiously every two minutes, Oh children,
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: the light is forsaking me, I must get back to work.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: When she finally dashed off, she turned at the house
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: and called back, If you'll just wait there until I'm through,
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: I'll have another hour of joy tonight. I've worked so
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: hard today. You forgot to add, at my mournful occupation.
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: John laughed after her. Yes, at my mournful occupation, she
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: called from the door. Why mournful occupation? asked Myra, puzzled.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: She always says that she's next in line after the
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: undertaker and the funeral parlor, John explained. She makes gravestones. Oh,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: that really is mournful, said Myra, endeavoring to assume a
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: slight smile so that they would not think her exaggeratedly sentimental.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: The words grave and death were always a stab of
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: pain to her. One accustoms oneself to death, said Nora gravely,
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: as to everything else. And that is well. One becomes
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: a little brutal, which is a very good thing for
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: us hypersensitives. We come to feel as much at home
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: among urns and sorrowing angels, as a coffin manufacturer at
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: the sight of a coffin, or a physician at the
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: sight of a wound. When one has as much to
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: do with death as Sophie, and through her eye, death
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: loses all its horror. and one comes to see the
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: humor in tragic situations. Ask Sophie. She will tell you
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: some stories of her profession. Nora took her needle work
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: from a little basket beside her, and asked John to
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: call the maid to clear the table. John begged like
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: a child to be allowed to do it himself, and
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: skillfully and carefully removed all the dishes. When he returned
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: he sat silent for a long while, his longing eyes
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: fastened on Nora's flying fingers. At last, He could restrain
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: his childish desire no longer, and he stretched out his hands. Oh, please, please,
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: let me stitch a little, too. With a smile Nora
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: handed him the sewing and searched her basket for some
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: crocheting with which to keep her own hands busy. Gracious,
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: cried Myra. That wonderful hem stitching. Aren't you afraid? Oh, no,
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: Nora assured her. John can sew quite as well as I.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: I can, can't I? said John, a blush of pride
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: mantling his cheeks. I should have been an expert embroiderer
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: or a miniature painter. I have an inexhaustible patience for
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: such things. Otherwise, I have no patience at all. He
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: bent his head over his work so that his wavy
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: blonde hair fell over his face. His slender, almost too
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: well manicured hands moved with charm and precision, setting stitch
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: beside stitch. It was an astonishing scene. Involuntarily the thought
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: flashed through Myra's mind. Thank God, he's not my son.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: If he were, I think I'd tear that embroidery from
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: his hands and slap his ears with it. And yet,
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: he looks like a painted angel or a saint. John
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: had to go before Sophie returned. He waited for her
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: until the last moment, then said a hasty but cordial
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: goodbye and leaving many greetings for Sophie, dashed off. Ulrich
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: Zidane gazed after him, shaking his head. A strange little fellow,
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: he said. A heart of gold, added Nora with a
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: slight note of defense in her tone. We've grown so
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: used to him here, we can hardly get along without him.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: He's really like a loyal little page, always anxious to
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: please and be kind. Ah, much more than that, he's
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: inexhaustibly good-hearted and self-sacrificing. Yes, there are some really fabulous
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: rumors of his good-heartedness going the rounds. The corner of
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Ulrich Zieden's mouth twitched a little contemptuously. There are many
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: rumors circulating about him, unfortunately, Myra burst forth. She felt
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: her cheeks burning with embarrassment, but she was determined, now
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: she had spoken, to defend her cause courageously. It looks
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: so ugly, so gossipy, to discuss someone the moment he
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: has turned his back. But because he's your friend and
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: because I think he's very nice, it makes me angry
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: when people say horrible things about him. and I have
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: absolutely no right to tell them to hold their tongues
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: or to punish them for their lies. Would you do that?
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: asked Ulrich Zden. It would be very courageous and really
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: friendly of you, but in most cases I'm afraid it
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: wouldn't be very successful, for whatever horrible things may be said,
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: they are certainly surpassed by the horrible things that are
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: done in private, of which no one has any idea.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: Is that true? Myra turned imploringly to Nora. Ah, my child,
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: she said comfortingly. It is much too complicated and bewildering
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: for one to be able simply to say yes or no.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: But there's no reason to have such a desperate look
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: in your eyes. Good and evil are so intertwined that
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: one can never hope to disentangle them and balance one
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: against the other. But I will tell you one thing,
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: for I know very well what Myra means by horrible things,
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: and you too, Ulrich. You mean the affair with Drinker.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: People say and you know that it is true Ulrich
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: and so do I if I must be candid, that
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: drinker has bought the little fellow body and soul, so
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: to speak, that he has furnished a charming apartment for him,
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: that he supports him, provides for him as they say.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: That drinker does not do all this simply to rid
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: himself of his millions in a good cause, all of
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: us know. And that our good John has not attached
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: himself to this, to put it mildly, decidedly unpleasant gentleman,
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: like Alcibiades to Socrates, for the purpose of drinking wisdom
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: from his lips, but merely for a pecuniary advantage, is
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: also obvious. Nevertheless, when one looks a little deeper, one
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: discovers something that atones for all these horrible facts. Ever
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: since he was a child, little John has felt a
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: great and unswerving love, or rather a kind of devout infatuation,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: for a schoolfellow of his who possesses everything which he
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: himself lacks, manliness, self-assurance, a somewhat brutal quality. This childhood
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: devotion became an utterly unselfish, utterly idolatrous friendship. Now it
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: happens that the other boy possesses decided talent, which further
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: compels John's admiration. Neither of them had any money. John
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: had probably never thought of himself as worth very much.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: He's himself, sold himself with open eyes and very dearly too,
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: in order to enable his friend to study, in order
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: to be able to support him in this way. And
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: Will Craft allowed him to do that? You mean he
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: acquiesced in such a thing? asked Ulrich Zidane sharply, drawing
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: out his words. Nora shrugged her shoulders slightly. I did
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: not mention any names. There was a trace of bitterness
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: in her gentle voice. What has Willcraft allowed? What has
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: he acquiesced in? Sophie's deep resonant voice suddenly rang out
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: close beside them. We've been slandering your friend, Sophus. Nora
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: smiled up at her. You've come just in the nick
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: of time to defend him. Defend him if you can,
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: said Zidane in a harsh, censorious tone. Will Craft has
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: allowed a young, immature and rather unstable young man, whose
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: friend he is supposed to be, to sell himself to
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: satisfy the unnatural lusts of a beast in human form,
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: and has accepted the purchase price. To me that is
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: about the lowest thing that anybody could do, just as
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: I find a whoremaster a good deal more contemptible than
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: a whore. Indeed. Sophie drew up a chair and sat down.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: I've let you have your say, now you let me
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: have mine. In the first place, instead of beast in
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: human form, you might say human in beast's form, though
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: that has only incidentally to do with my friend, Will Craft.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: But I can muster a few points in his defense, too. Notably,
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: that he has talent, not to say genius, and that
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: talent always and under all circumstances has the right to
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: achieve its object. Because work alone is of value, not life.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: Least of all the moral life of the individual. That
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: is a matter of opinion, interrupted Zidane. Nevertheless, continue. But
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: even if he were without talent, if he could create
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: no work of any value, whom is he injuring? The
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: possibility is given him to work as he imagines and
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: as I imagine for human culture. He is happy. Still
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: happier is old drinker, who finds himself at the goal
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: of all his desires, having at last escaped the danger
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: of blackmailers and extortioners, and even robbers and murderers, whose
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: life is no longer embittered by the fear of prison,
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: and who for the first time is beginning to feel
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: the blessedness of those millions that all his life long
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: have been only a curse to him. But the happiest
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: of all is undoubtedly our little John. He is desired, pampered, idolized.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: He sees his beauty, which incidentally he knows very well
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: how to prize, in the right setting. He spends half
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: the day seated before his three-leaf mirror, admiring himself, and
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: coddling himself with salves and powders and hair tonics. Do
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: you mean to tell me he is doing all that
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: for Will Craft's sake? Don't imagine it. He would do
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: exactly the same thing without Will Craft. No, not exactly
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: the same, for he certainly has a better side, a
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: tendency to idealism. He would do it remorsefully without Will,
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: and be disgusted at himself. But since he can expend
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: a portion of the sums which are earned by him—
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: for a person of his nature really without effort, on
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: someone whom he adores, he can view himself in quite
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: a transfiguring light. He can do just what he pleases
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: and be a martyr and a saint into the bargain.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: Zidane moved his hands as if he were clapping in
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: inaudible applause. A beautiful speech, dear Sophus. Hearing your explanation
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: makes it bearable. But there's a flaw in it somewhere.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: I don't know just where. Perhaps it's in defective Christianity again.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: But I think Nora is shivering. It's time that we
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: went into the house. The evenings are already quite cool.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: Myra rose. Yes, and it's high time that I went
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: home too. I intended to stay for a few moments
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: and I sit here hours and hours. Bosh, said Sophie,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: remaining quietly seated and staring up at her almost as
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: if surprised. That sounds like a fake into parlor. Why
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: do you want to go? Have you something better in mind?
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: Or did somebody once tell you that a first visit
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: should never last more than twenty minutes? Yes, somebody did
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: tell me that, laughed Myra. I think those are the
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: very words my Aunt Emily said to me. And do
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: you mean to say that you have the damnable intention
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: of carrying out all your Aunt Emily's precepts? I thought not. Well,
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: don't try them on us. Whatever aunts tell you, you
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: should yo ipso do the reverse. So you'll stay and
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: eat with us. The only excuse is the well-known something
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: better to do. There's nothing that I'd like to do
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: better in all the world. Poor child, well there will be.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: Sophie rose and drew herself up energetically. I can feel
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: my muscles today. Come, Norina. Let's make things bright and
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: comfortable inside. It's already decided that you'll remain Uli. Zidane
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: bowed in silence. With one powerful push, Sophie moved the
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: table aside to clear the way for Nora. With a
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: sudden resoluteness which she herself could not explain, Myra pressed
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: close to the invalid. May I help? She thought they
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: must hear the throbbing of her heart in her voice.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: It seemed to her as if Ulrich Zidane's deliberate manner
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: cloaked a ceaseless torturing struggle. Gisela leaned forward in order
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: to speak past Myra. Don't put yourself out in the slightest,
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: her Zidane. and it would put you out a great
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: deal if you had to go into the city again
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: and then return to your lodgings. I will take Miss
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Rudloff home. Besides we're going the same way. Myra hesitated
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: a moment, wondering whether she ought to protest this arrangement.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: It displeased her to have Zidane think she had declined
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: his escort in order to be alone with Gisela. But
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: if she asked him to go with her now, Gisela
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: would be offended. She said nothing, telling herself with a
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: quiet defiance that people's opinions were, and must be indifferent
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: to her. Zidane took leave of them at the next corner,
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: though somewhat more stiffly and formally than usual.' Do you
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: like him?' asked Gisela when he was scarcely out of hearing.' Why?
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: He likes all the women I like. That's why he
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: can't bear me,' she added quickly, almost hurriedly.' That is
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: to say, he's unlucky with all women.' and has never
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: been able to free himself from one dreadful specimen. How
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: is it possible for him not to free himself from
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: a dreadful woman if he feels in himself the capacity
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: for loving others? You ask me. Gisela shrugged her shoulders noncommittally.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: They say that she used to beat him till he bled,
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: and that he can't live without that. But he may
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: have some other mania which she pampered, too. After all,
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: what does bind people together? the fact that one of
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: them knows the other's concealed manias, and fattens them and
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: coaxes them forth and fondles them and trains them to
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: turn against their former master like a mad dog. And
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: you mean to say that that is the crux of
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: all human relation? asked Myra sadly, much perturbed. What kind
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: of eyes do you see life with? With unclouded eyes,
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: said Gisela and laughed bitterly. And Sophie? asked Myra. And Nora?
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: Sophie's mania is called Nora. And she is the happiest
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: person I know because she can concentrate completely on her mania.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: As for Nora? What goes on in her mind nobody knows.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: I don't even know if she is happy or not.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: I don't know if she can be happy, said Myra dejectedly.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: It must be dreadful always to have to take, never
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: to give. She knows that she gives a great deal,
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Gisela contradicted. Everything for Sophie. Sophie became a human being
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: for the first time the day Nora went to live
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: with her. She was lazy and idle and slovenly and
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: lived on cigarettes, alcohol and cocaine. We tried time and
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: again to shake her out of it, but it did
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: no good. And Nora, asked Myra with bated breath, was
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: she sick then? When she came here? Yes, of course,
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: I think she had made an attempt on her life.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: She married a syphilitic and had a feeble-minded child, or
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: something like that. World, world, thought Myra. Where can I
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: fly from you? I'd rather be dead and sleep in
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: one of Sophie's beautiful, rose-garlanded urns. How can I, all
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: by myself, ever stand all that makes up human destiny?
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: They walked along in silence for a time, each plunged
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: in his own thoughts. Do you know, Myra Rudloff, that
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: I have a mania of my own? Gisela asked suddenly.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: Her voice was softer and more vibrant than usual. Myra
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: was frightened. She was afraid of confessions. Good God, she thought.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: Here comes the morphine. What shall I say to her?
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: I can't help her in any way. Gisela did not
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: wait for an answer. My mania, she said in a soft,
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: hovering tone without glancing at Myra, without turning her head
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: in her direction, is to love beautiful, pure, regal women,
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: always those who are above me, those who are too
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: good for me, who in my own opinion are too
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: good for me. Women like you, Myra Rudloff. They had
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: reached the house and stopped. Myra was racking her brain
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: in torment for a reply. She could think of none.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: She gave her hand to Gisela, shyly, and said, I
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: thank you. The corner of Gisela's mouth twitched in a hurt,
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: ironic smile. What for? For bringing me home, and for everything,
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: for what you have just said, too. Myra's heart was
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: throbbing as if it would burst but only from a
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: kind of embarrassment she would have been glad to retract
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: her words perhaps it would have been more tactful if
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: she had pretended not to hear or not to understand
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: gisella turned her head away with an impulsive rather irritated movement.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: The light from the street lamp fell on her face.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: It looked wretched, sorrowful, almost decayed. Perhaps it would make
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: her happy if I kissed her, thought Myra. It is
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: sad enough, but it can't hurt anybody. She bent forward
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: with a slight, embarrassed smile and laid her lips against Gisela's.
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: She felt Gisela's lips burn like a flame, open like
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: a flower. Sharp teeth ground against hers and were pressed
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: into her lips. A small hand clasped her neck, twisted
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: itself into her hair, would not release her. When Myra
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: drew herself up again, she was somewhat dizzy. I don't
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: love her, she thought sadly. Probably she loves me and
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: I don't love her. Good night, she said, laying her
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: hand tenderly and discreetly against Gisela's cheek for a moment.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: It was as if she were speaking to a little child.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: Sleep tight. Myra intended to lie down on her divan.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Though it was still early in the afternoon, she had
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: lighted the lamp and drawn the curtains in order not
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: to have to see how the endless autumnal rain poured
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: down the gray walls of the buildings opposite. She had
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: heaped up cushions and covers on the divan, moved a
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: chair within reach on which was a pile of books.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: The afternoon would be long and she wished to have
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: no cause to get up again. Neither did she want
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: to drown herself hour after hour in one book. So
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: she had collected a half-dozen books with the pleasurable foretaste
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: of a gourmand preparing himself for an exceptional repast. On
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: the little glass top table at the head of the divan,
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: she set cigarettes, chocolate and a vase with a few
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: pale pink, pungent carnations that she had bought in town.
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: But no sooner had she lain down, drawn a light
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: cover over her feet, and reached for the topmost book
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: when there came a knock on the door. Why didn't
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: I lock the door? She thought for a moment in vexation.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: If I had, I would certainly never move. Whoever is
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: there could rattle it as much as he likes. But
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: when in response to her, come in. Gisela opened the door.
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: She was really glad. Oh, how nice it is here,
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: cried Gisela before she had even said good day. No,
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: for heaven's sake, don't jump up from there, or I'll
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: run right off again. You've made yourself so nice and cozy,
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: don't let me get you up. I was going to
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: see Mara Luigi but she isn't home. And I wanted
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: to have a look at your room. Heavens how spic
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: and span we are. My room never looks like this
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: even on high holidays. If you don't want me to
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: get up, said Myra with a smile. She was resting
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: on one elbow, the cover in her other hand, still
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: in the act of springing up. You'll have to come here.
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: Otherwise I'll have to put on the light and settle
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: you solemnly in an easy chair. No, no, I'm coming.
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: Gisela ran to the divan, pressed Myra back against the
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: cushions and drew the cover up about her chin. Do
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: you want to go to sleep, my love? Shall I
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: sing you to sleep and then steal out on tiptoe? Sleep,
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: little baby, sleep. She knelt on one knee on the divan,
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: clasped Myra about her shoulders and rocked her to and fro.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: Myra experienced a slight and not at all unpleasant dizzying sensation. Don't,
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: she said with her eyes closed. I'm getting dizzy. She
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: felt the rocking movement stop, and at the same time
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: a gentle breath, and soft lips brush very lightly, very tenderly,
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: over her forehead, her cheeks, her eyelids. It was pleasant,
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: but she resisted this pleasant sensation. I don't love her,
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: she thought obstinately. I did not desire her lips. This
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: is the way an animal must feel when it is stroked.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: The soft lips ceased to brush her face and Gisela
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: crouched down on the divan. Quite irrelevantly, she pointed to
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: the flowers. Who sent you the lovely carnations? She asked.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: Myra turned her head to follow Gisela's gesture with her eyes.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: I did, she smiled. What do you mean? What do
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: I mean? I bought them myself this morning. That's strange.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: Gisela shook her head. Are you expecting a visitor? No, why?
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: because that would be the only reason I'd ever buy
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: flowers for my room. In fact, I bought them because
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: I expected to be alone. It's very nice of you
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: not to say, because I hoped. Myra smiled. Well then,
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: because I feared I would be alone. That's just a
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: polite lie, said Gisela. Anyhow, I'm thankful that I'm at
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: least worth a lie to you, for I think you
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: don't lie very often. I don't know. Myra reflected seriously.
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: I think that I lied a good deal as a child,
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: at least as long as I was in the hands
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: of my mentors. But it was cheerless and unimaginative living.
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: I never had much talent at thinking up interesting tales.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: It was more a kind of denying, very persistent and obstinate.
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: Lying and denying, there are worlds between. You are quite right.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: But when a child denies, everybody says it's lying or
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: it's deceiving. And all the while it's probably just ashamed
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: or stubborn or bewildered. I was treated so terribly when
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: I was a child. Why don't you have children? You'd
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: certainly make a fine, understanding mother. I've never thought about it.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: Myra shrugged her shoulders. I've always imagined that every mother
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: is good and understanding. But that may very well be
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: because I never knew my own mother. Gisela laughed bitterly.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: I wish I'd never known mine either. Myra was shocked
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: and seized Gisela's hand. It sounds dreadful when you talk
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: that way. Was she so bad? Bad? Oh no, not
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: just bad. There was a note of forced lightness in
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: her voice. She was a worthy, efficient, excellent woman. Too
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: worthy and efficient for my father. He left her and
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: two years later hanged himself. And since I resembled him,
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: naturally I couldn't do anything about it. After all, she
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: chose him for a husband, I didn't choose him for
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: a father. but because I resembled my father's family, my
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: mother felt that I was hereditarily tainted in advance. You know,
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: there are people, and my mother was one of them,
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: who are so moral that they sniff immorality everywhere. We
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: had to sleep with our hands outside the quilt, and
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: if we forgot in our sleep, and my mother came
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: in to check up, she'd tear the covers off the bed.
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: I swear, I never once knew why she did it.
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: Myra did not know either, but she did not ask,
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: because she was ashamed to confess her ignorance, and furthermore
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: she suspected that an explanation might be painful. That was
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: the beginning. Gisela sprang up and began to pace restlessly
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: to and fro, with noiseless steps on the thick carpet.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: And it went on that way. At fourteen I had
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: my first rendezvous. It was with a boy from dancing school,
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: a little fellow who was, if possible, more innocent and
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: idealistic than myself. When this transgression came to light, I
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: was subjected to a terrifying inquisition. Had we kissed, did
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: we put our arms around one another, and when and
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: where and how? These possibilities were first brought to my
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: attention in this way. The same thing at school. Near
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: the school there was a stationery store where we used
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: to buy our copy books. The man had picture postcards
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: in his window, among others a nude woman, the reproduction
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: of some masterpiece or other. A terrible case was made
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: out of that postcard. Investigation finally brought out which of
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: the girls had stood in front of the shop window.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: Parents and pupils together descended on the shopkeeper and forced
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: him to remove all offensive pictures from his window. It
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: became a real sport with us to buy pictures of nudes.
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: During the Bible reading they circulated under the desks with
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: inscriptions and observations. The contagion spread to the whole class,
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: but they had first been inoculated with the virus and
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: at considerable pains too. In a few among us, perhaps
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: in many, there may have been a painfully repressed, immature sensuality.
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: But children are by no means as shameless as adults.
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: They are much more afraid of being shocked. But the
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: general discussion of the immoral picture removed all obstacles. Now
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: everybody talked to everybody else about it. I resisted. I
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: didn't want to have anything to do with it. It
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: may be that I resisted out of timidity, because I
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: felt that this thing, which was just a joke to
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: the rest of the children, might become fate to me.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: Do you know how children act in such cases? Oh,
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: so cruelly, so lustfully, so sadistically. Because I resisted, I
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: was pursued, the whole class was in a conspiracy against me.
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: I had to see what I didn't want to see,
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: hear what I didn't want to hear, do what I
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: didn't want to do. I was driven to a pass
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: from which I never again escaped. She folded her hands
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: and wrung her fingers so that the bones cracked as
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: if the thin wrists were going to snap. No, how
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: can anybody buy herself flowers like that? She said suddenly,
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: standing before the carnations. Why do you do it? Were
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: you thinking of somebody to whom you wanted to give them?
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: But didn't, perhaps, well, because you happened to be put
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: out with one another just then. I have no one
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: in the world to whom I might give flowers. said
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: Myra bitterly, unless it is a grave and that's too
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: far away. She did not know herself how she came
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: to say it. She blushed violently at the thought that
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: she was opening her heart, an error which she forgave
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: in others with a certain condescending indulgence. but which she
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: hated so intensely that she would be upset for weeks
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: if she caught herself at it. But perhaps it was
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: not even a need to open her heart. Perhaps it
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: was worse. Perhaps it was the desire, though still quite unconscious,
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: to drape herself with this wholly destructive sorrow, to endow
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: herself with a new mystical charm in the eyes of this. This.
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: It seemed as if Gisela divined the feeling. She had
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: started as if she meant to throw herself upon Myra,
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: to overwhelm her with sympathy and comfort and affection, but
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: checked herself and sat hunched over on the end of
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: the divan, her head bowed, her hands folded. Promise me
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: one thing, she said softly with a quality in her
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: voice as of joylessness which nothing could ever animate again.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: When I am dead, put flowers on my grave. Not
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: at my funeral and not a large bought wreath. I
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: like to imagine how I'll receive visits, how I'll lie
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: there and sleep. I love graveyards so, generally those that
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: are a little run down. I don't want any well-groomed
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: gaudy grave. But a grey stone, half sunk already and
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: half overgrown with ivy. Then the beautiful woman in the
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: white dress who stops before it will think of me
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: for a moment, not with grief, but with a gentle melancholy,
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: and will strew a handful of flowers over me. I'll
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: feel them, oh make no mistake, I'll feel them. Myra
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: sat up and taking her by both shoulders, shook her. Child,
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: she said, are you asking me to do that? I'll
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: hand on the commission to my grandchild. By the time
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: that stone has sunken on your grave, my ashes will
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: have long been scattered by the wind. How long does
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: it take a stone to sink? asked Gisela in such
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: a comically impatient and plaintive tone that Myra laughed aloud.
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: But you're not dead and buried yet, she said consolingly. Unfortunately.
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: Gisela said in a lifeless voice but with suddenly flashing eyes.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: There was bitterness in the words. Again Myra felt a
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: slight aversion. She has no right to say that, she thought.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: She certainly can't have suffered so terribly. But then, who
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: can estimate what gives another the right to desperation? Perhaps
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: it is much harder to struggle against one's self than
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: against fate. Her objection melted and she felt only a
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: warm but helpless pity. With timid hands she began to
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: stroke the soft, tangled, dark hair from the white forehead
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: before her. Those burning eyes were shut, while on that
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: narrow face appeared the expression of quiet, yearning bliss. As
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: Gisela sat motionless without breathing, as if her pulse had
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: stopped in her veins, Myra experienced a weird sensation. Open
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: your eyes, she commanded in a frightened voice. I suppose
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: it's this devilish violet light. but you look like a
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: marble death mask. The long lids opened heavily. The wide
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: open eyes were a lightless deep abyss to which life
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: and vision returned gradually. Believe me little Myra, she said
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: with her soft ailing child's voice. I will soon be dead.
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: What do the words be dead mean to you? Asked
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: Myra timidly. A deep cool undisturbed repose. She closed her
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: eyes and immediately her face resembled a marble mask again.
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: Eternal rest. Even in my childhood the words were like
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: a melody. A sweet mysterious seductive song. I heard it
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: the first time when I was quite small and had
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: no ideas about it. It was a characteristic expression of
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: my mother. This or that person had gone to his
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: eternal rest. And it has never forsaken me. I have
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: always longed to go to my eternal rest. In her
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: high voice was a sustained disembodied tone. There was a
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: sparkle and glitter under those dark eyelashes that were like
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: shadows on her face, and several pearly drops trickled down.
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: Myra kept both her hands clasped around Gisela's blue vein temples. No,
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: she said, without herself knowing what that no might mean. No, no, no.
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: The lids were raised like a curtain, and the tear-filled
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: eyes in which the light was refracted seemed larger and
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: more burning than ever. No, said Gisela. No, no, no.
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: Still no eternal rest, little Myra sweet, beautiful little Myra.
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: Life streams from your fingertips, life flowers from your lips,
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: life gleams from your eyes. I feel as if I
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: were already dead, and you were saying to me, Arise
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: and walk. Oh, how hard it must be to rise
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: up and leave a cool and narrow coffin because it
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: pleases some miracle maker. I am dead, little Myra. I
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: have died of a mortal sickness that is called Phiometta.
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: If you would bewitch the dead, little sorceress, you must
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: nourish them with your own blood, but that you know.
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: If I am to live, I must imbibe your blood.
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: The slender hands fastened like talons in Myra's shoulder, forcing
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: her back on the cushions. Supine above her, lay Gisela's
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: light muscular body. Close to her own hovered Gisela's white
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: face with the burning eyes. Fear, horror, aversion, pity, tenderness,
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: and the infatuating throb of her own and another's blood
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: whirled in a mad maelstrom that engulfed all thought in
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: its brightly foaming depths.