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Why Burnout Isn’t Just About Stress: The Betrayal No One Talks About · Create The Best Me

• 0:00
  Have you ever cleaned your whole house, acd your job and kept peace at home and still felt like you're falling apart?
• 0:10
  Yeah, me too.
• 0:12
  And Lora Cheadle did it all twice.
• 0:15
  Once as a high powered corporate attorney, and again as a health and fitness expert.
• 0:21
  That second time she thought she had done everything right and still hit rock bottom.
• 0:28
  But what she discovered at the bottom, it wasn't just burnout, it was betrayal.
• 0:35
  And not just from others, but from herself.
• 0:39
  Today, we're having a heart to heart, about what burnout really is and why many midlife women experience it, even when we are doing everything right and how we can finally stop betraying ourselves.
• 0:53
  My guest is the ever inspiring Lora Cheadle, author, hypnotherapist, fitness pro and creator of Fuel Up Burnout Recovery Method.
• 1:03
  You are going to leave this episode with fresh clarity, practical tools, and maybe even permission to tear up that invisible checklist that's been running your life.
• 1:16
  Let's dive on in.
• 1:18
  Lora Cheadle, welcome to Create the Best Me.
• 1:22
  This is an honor a privilege, and I'm so excited about the discussion we are going to have today.
• 1:28
  Thank you so much for having me.
• 1:30
  I'm really looking forward to our conversation as well.
• 1:33
  So, Lora, before we get into today's topic, could you please tell the listeners and viewers a little bit about who you are and what you do?
• 1:42
  Absolutely.
• 1:43
  I am a former corporate attorney who burned out.
• 1:47
  I know, you probably can't imagine that.
• 1:49
  And then I went into the whole burnout recovery space, and guess what?
• 1:53
  Even though I was doing all the things right, I burned out again.
• 1:59
  So, that journey of burning out, doing it right and burning out again really helped me start wondering what's really going on.
• 2:11
  Well, fortunately or unfortunately, I had a horrible infidelity experience with my husband, which got me learning quite a lot about betrayal and what it is and how it impacts us and how to heal.
• 2:27
  And that's when I started connecting those dots and realized, wait a minute, it wasn't just burnout that I was feeling, it was a sense of betrayal.
• 2:38
  So since then I've been working on this whole corporate betrayal, personal betrayal, and really taking a deep dive into understanding all things, both burnout and betrayal.
• 2:52
  So, Lora, before we get into today's discussion, and just because I, I always tend to see a trend here.
• 2:58
  Yeah.
• 2:59
  What age range were you in when you experienced your first burnout?
• 3:06
  Oh, that's a great question.
• 3:08
  I had just had my second baby, so I was around 32 years old.
• 3:13
  So I had, had been out of school, I had been working, but I was full into life.
• 3:19
  I had aging grandparents.
• 3:21
  My husband was working outta town, and it was like, this is life.
• 3:25
  So it was, yeah, early thirties.
• 3:28
  And so when you felt that sense of burnout, who did you go to to talk you about it.
• 3:37
  I don't know what to do you know, I went to school to become this corporate attorney, I think I'm walk out.
• 3:42
  Yeah.
• 3:44
  At the time, this was in the nineties, early two, no, this was in the two thousands.
• 3:49
  We had already gone into the two, two thousands.
• 3:51
  There wasn't a lot out there.
• 3:55
  You know, I would talk to coworkers and we would kind of commiserate, but the advice that I would get is just lean in, lean in, do more, get a better scheduling system.
• 4:07
  You know, hire a full-time nanny, have somebody clean your house.
• 4:11
  And it was like, there really weren't a lot of resources.
• 4:14
  And I think, okay, I'm spending like three hours every Sunday meticulously planning my week.
• 4:21
  I've got a house cleaner.
• 4:23
  I am still stressed out and this isn't helping.
• 4:26
  What am I doing wrong and who can I talk to?
• 4:30
  And I didn't really know.
• 4:33
  Wow.
• 4:33
  And so did you stay as a corporate attorney and then get burned out again or, or did you switch careers?
• 4:39
  I switched careers.
• 4:41
  I had grown up, very interested in fitness.
• 4:44
  I started teaching aerobics, back when aerobics was a thing; and that was my job that had gotten me through college and law school.
• 4:51
  And I thought this is a perfect opportunity to go back to all the things that I love.
• 4:57
  To get into that wellness space.
• 4:59
  To become certified in yoga and meditation and breath work.
• 5:03
  Because everybody that I knew in the corporate world, in the legal world, they were stressed out too.
• 5:08
  So I thought this is the perfect option.
• 5:12
  It can be a flexible career.
• 5:14
  I can take care of my kids, my aging grandparents.
• 5:17
  All of this stuff, and I can do what I love.
• 5:20
  I will never burn out again because how can you burn out if you're doing fitness and meditation and talking about nutrition?
• 5:28
  Eh, I was wrong on that one.
• 5:31
  And so what did you do?
• 5:34
  It was one of those things that I kept fighting it.
• 5:39
  I kept fighting it because I kept thinking, you are doing something wrong, Lora.
• 5:42
  I was internalizing it.
• 5:44
  I never, I never thought, you know what, maybe this narrative is false.
• 5:48
  Maybe people really can't have it all.
• 5:52
  Maybe there's this thing called the patriarchy out there that is creating beliefs in me that I should look different, be different, act different, have my kids in my house be different.
• 6:04
  I never looked externally and questioned.
• 6:07
  I kept thinking I'm doing something wrong, I'm not enough.
• 6:10
  I'm not organized.
• 6:12
  Maybe I need another certification.
• 6:14
  What am I doing wrong?
• 6:15
  Why am I falling apart?
• 6:18
  And it was kind of at that point, I never really figured it out.
• 6:23
  That was when my youngest was about to graduate from high school.
• 6:29
  And in my mind, I told myself, this is gonna solve all my problems.
• 6:34
  I won't be having the family obligations.
• 6:38
  I can be free to start traveling with my husband.
• 6:41
  I can finally put myself first.
• 6:43
  I can finally maybe sleep in or do things for me.
• 6:46
  I can step back and then my life is going to open up.
• 6:51
  And sadly, that's when I learned about the infidelity and, it was like a bomb went off in my entire world and every area of my life, my self-esteem, my heart, my soul, my past, my future was destroyed.
• 7:10
  That's devastating.
• 7:11
  It was awful.
• 7:13
  That's, that's a big blow in the gut.
• 7:16
  Yeah.
• 7:17
  So you're not only dealing with burnout, but you're also dealing with heartbreak, devastation, and just everything that you thought was true was all fake.
• 7:32
  It's, it's not real.
• 7:34
  It was something you thought was real, but it's not real.
• 7:37
  Yes You had lot going on there.
• 7:39
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 7:41
  And it was, it was the darkest night of the soul that I have ever experienced.
• 7:48
  And you're right, it was everything.
• 7:50
  It was my self-esteem.
• 7:51
  It was my self-worth.
• 7:52
  Why am I so ugly?
• 7:54
  Why am I so stupid?
• 7:55
  Why am I so bad?
• 7:57
  Why am I so unworthy?
• 7:59
  And that's when I started learning, obviously, about betrayal and what it was.
• 8:06
  And what I learned is the betrayal is defined as the breaking of an expectation that you have relied on that materially ruptures something, whether it was your view of yourself or your marriage or your world.
• 8:25
  And yeah, I had relied on the fact that I was married.
• 8:30
  I thought we were faithful to each other.
• 8:32
  I thought we were creating this future together, and it ruptured my identity.
• 8:37
  It ruptured my sense of safety.
• 8:40
  And then I started thinking back to my burnout story.
• 8:47
  I thought I was told, if you get good grades and go to college, you'll get a good career.
• 8:54
  If you do good in your career you'll get raises, you'll get promoted.
• 8:58
  It'll be fair; and it's not fair.
• 9:03
  And then in starting my own business, what are the stories you hear?
• 9:07
  The stories you hear I had a million dollar launch, I am free.
• 9:12
  I'm working four hour work weeks, I'm doing all this stuff.
• 9:16
  And that ruptured my view of myself too, because it was like, what am I doing wrong?
• 9:21
  Why is this happening to me?
• 9:25
  And that's when I started connecting the dots and I think, that's a sense of betrayal.
• 9:30
  That's not just burnout.
• 9:33
  Everything that I was thinking should happen didn't happen, and I was thinking it should happen because I am working hard enough.
• 9:40
  I did get the grades.
• 9:42
  I did sacrifice.
• 9:43
  I did go in on weekends.
• 9:45
  I did it all right, why is it not happening for me?
• 9:49
  That's crazy, do you think it's just a fairy tale that maybe our parents instill into us that if you do A, B, C, and D, your life is perfect, everything falls into place.
• 9:59
  You have the perfect husband, you have the perfect children, you have the perfect house, pets, everything.
• 10:05
  Life is perfect.
• 10:07
  Yeah.
• 10:08
  Yeah, and it's such an external, it goes so deep, you know, it's like this is the tip of the iceberg, and then whew, you start going down that rabbit hole.
• 10:19
  What is perfect?
• 10:20
  Because I was a perfectionist.
• 10:23
  I did do it right.
• 10:24
  I tried hard.
• 10:25
  I tried to have a clean house.
• 10:27
  I tried to clean out my car.
• 10:29
  I tried to keep my body in shape.
• 10:31
  I tried to have good health.
• 10:33
  I would try to put on makeup and style my hair even on weakened, so I would look, look good and feel good.
• 10:39
  Okay, what part of that is because this is what I wanted.
• 10:43
  And what part of that was this belief, this narrative that I was carrying, that this is what I should do, that this is what a worthy woman does, that this is what a good mom does.
• 10:53
  And then I started having to unpack what did I think I was going to get from that?
• 10:59
  What is the reward of having a clean house?
• 11:04
  Is it really my own sense of peace when I walk into a zen space?
• 11:10
  Because yeah, there's some of that.
• 11:13
  But what about that belief in the back of my head that I should be doing this and that I'm not a good wife, that I'm not a good woman if my linen closets are a total mess?
• 11:26
  What does it mean about me if I can't fold a fitted sheet; there's beliefs there.
• 11:33
  And same thing at work, there were beliefs about what I looked like, how the tone and quality of my voice, my executive presence.
• 11:44
  Who says executive presence means this, that, or the other thing?
• 11:49
  And why am I believing that narrative?
• 11:53
  And why am I not confident enough to stand in my truth?
• 11:58
  And yes, I'm all about being respectful and appropriate, but also not betraying myself, not selling my soul, not seeking to please seeking to conform and striving to perform to somebody else's standards.
• 12:16
  That's the ultimate self betrayal and talk about burnout; when we are constantly seeking to please, conform and perform, we burn ourselves out because we are never authentically who we are, and it doesn't matter if we're doing it at home or at work.
• 12:34
  We all do it, but it's time to start getting aware and figuring out where we're doing it and why we're doing it.
• 12:44
  What's your definition of burnout?
• 12:46
  Burnout is defined actually by the World Health Organization, it's a
• 12:50
  diagnosis: as chronic stress that has been unsuccessfully managed.
• 12:58
  diagnosis: And burnout is a thing, we all have stress.
• 13:01
  diagnosis: There is chronic stress.
• 13:04
  diagnosis: But here's where it gets interesting, we get burnout when we are unable to manage our stress successfully.
• 13:12
  diagnosis: Okay, so how do we learn how to manage our stress more successfully?
• 13:17
  diagnosis: Sometimes it is therapy, learning new tools.
• 13:21
  diagnosis: Sometimes it is meditation, breath work, EFT tapping, yoga, walking, being out in nature, creating boundaries, that's hiring the nanny, hiring the house cleaner.
• 13:33
  diagnosis: There's all these things that we can learn how to do to manage our stress.
• 13:39
  diagnosis: And this is also important to start noticing, am I stressed?
• 13:44
  diagnosis: Am I feeling regulated?
• 13:46
  diagnosis: Am I able to breathe through this?
• 13:49
  diagnosis: What do I need to do in this moment?
• 13:52
  diagnosis: Do I need to step out of the conference room and take a break?
• 13:54
  diagnosis: What do I need to do to manage my stress?
• 13:58
  diagnosis: And yeah, burnout is a thing, it's just that it's not all of the things.
• 14:04
  diagnosis: That's true, and a lot of times what I've noticed is that if you step out of the conference room because you need to take a breath, you are weak.
• 14:11
  diagnosis: If If you go to the doctor and say, here's my plate and it's overfilled.
• 14:18
  diagnosis: Here's the drug that'll make you feel better, and it will all go away.
• 14:22
  diagnosis: But It doesn't.
• 14:24
  diagnosis: Yeah, yeah.
• 14:26
  diagnosis: And I love how you, cause you went right there to the heart of the matter, you're weak.
• 14:31
  diagnosis: No! And how do we disrupt that narrative?
• 14:36
  diagnosis: I am strong to keep myself regulated.
• 14:39
  diagnosis: Because when I'm regulated; and what does that mean to be regulated?
• 14:42
  diagnosis: When we are in the conscious thinking prefrontal cortex, we are rational, we are reasonable, we are relational.
• 14:53
  diagnosis: And we are thinking, and we are using our full capacity.
• 14:56
  diagnosis: When we get stressed, it is a physiological reaction, we go back here to the amygdala, to that survival portion of our brain.
• 15:06
  diagnosis: It's like an an on off switch; I'm either here or I'm here, I'm not both.
• 15:12
  diagnosis: And when we're back there, we're not rational, we're not reasonable, and we are certainly not relational.
• 15:19
  diagnosis: And the decisions that we make are not good.
• 15:23
  diagnosis: And the damage that we do to relationships, is significant.
• 15:28
  diagnosis: And also we're pumping out cortisol.
• 15:30
  diagnosis: We're pumping out adrenaline.
• 15:32
  diagnosis: We're creating inflammation in our body.
• 15:35
  diagnosis: We are staying stuck in that stress cycle, and that's when our immune system tanks, that's when all of these things happen that we don't want to have happen.
• 15:46
  diagnosis: So, really, what is the most efficient thing to do?
• 15:49
  diagnosis: The wisest, most efficient thing that we can do is do everything in our power to stay up here in the prefrontal cortex so we can live a rational, reasonable, and relational life.
• 16:03
  diagnosis: So yeah, if somebody ever pushes back on somebody taking a break, maybe it's time to educate that person.
• 16:11
  diagnosis: Actually, I'm slipping into survival mode and that is not efficient.
• 16:15
  diagnosis: I am all about efficiency.
• 16:16
  diagnosis: Let's be efficient and let's all take a break.
• 16:20
  diagnosis: It's okay to allow yourself that timeout to get centered.
• 16:26
  diagnosis: So that you are not acting out of flight or fright and you're acting more to your conscious level.
• 16:33
  diagnosis: Mm-hmm.
• 16:35
  diagnosis: Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
• 16:38
  diagnosis: Because again, why, why are we working?
• 16:41
  diagnosis: We wanna create something.
• 16:43
  diagnosis: Why are we doing things at home with relationships?
• 16:46
  diagnosis: We want to create something, we want to feel good.
• 16:49
  diagnosis: We want to be successful.
• 16:51
  diagnosis: We want to be satisfied.
• 16:53
  diagnosis: When we are thoughtful, when we're not in fight or flight, we can create that.
• 16:59
  diagnosis: And here's another thing that I think is important, going into fight or flight is a physiological mechanism.
• 17:06
  diagnosis: It's a physiological response.
• 17:08
  diagnosis: It's not something that we consciously choose or don't choose.
• 17:12
  diagnosis: Yes, some people have a wider window of tolerance.
• 17:15
  diagnosis: Some people get stressed out more easily, but it's not a character flaw.
• 17:21
  diagnosis: It's not a choice, it's just the way we are.
• 17:24
  diagnosis: It's the way we are wired.
• 17:26
  diagnosis: And it's important to start honoring that within ourselves because if we don't honor it within ourselves, that's again, that self betrayal.
• 17:35
  diagnosis: If I know I'm losing it, I have to stand firm for myself.
• 17:40
  diagnosis: And that's where a lot of my personal growth through this journey, through infidelity, through everything; is that commitment to not betraying myself again.
• 17:51
  diagnosis: To asking for what I need.
• 17:53
  diagnosis: I need time.
• 17:55
  diagnosis: I need space.
• 17:56
  diagnosis: I need water.
• 17:58
  diagnosis: I need, I need whatever it is I need to be able to self-identify, self-reflect, and then ask for what I need in service of being a better human.
• 18:11
  diagnosis: And you know, Lora, I know that it may sound easy because you're saying it; but I went through betrayal myself.
• 18:18
  diagnosis: And it's so hard to get yourself into that space because you're living the trauma of betrayal.
• 18:27
  diagnosis: So how are you able to bring yourself back to the consciousness and be able to say, here's what I need.
• 18:35
  diagnosis: This is why.
• 18:36
  diagnosis: Yeah.
• 18:37
  diagnosis: First of all, I'm sorry you've experienced it too.
• 18:40
  diagnosis: It's, it's sadly almost a universal human condition, and you're right, it's, it's horrendously difficult.
• 18:49
  diagnosis: For me, well, first I wanna say it's important to grieve.
• 18:53
  diagnosis: I spent a month on the floor probably crying, and unable to eat.
• 18:59
  diagnosis: And that's normal and that's natural, and that's what we all need to do in whatever kind of grief we need to flow that grief.
• 19:07
  diagnosis: And then as I was coming out of it, I had this realization that I had become very bitter, and very angry and rightfully so.
• 19:22
  diagnosis: But it was changing who I was.
• 19:25
  diagnosis: It was changing my personality.
• 19:27
  diagnosis: And if I allowed myself to become bitter and hateful and a victim, and to tell this story of how I did everything right, and I was still taken advantage of, they won whoever they was.
• 19:42
  diagnosis: It wasn't me who won.
• 19:45
  diagnosis: Telling my victim story only hurt me.
• 19:50
  diagnosis: And it was just this big realization that I really had a choice here and I could choose my own future, and I was choosing me.
• 19:59
  diagnosis: And that so often in the past, I chose work and I chose friends, and I chose family, and I chose my partner, and I chose a clean vacuumed floor.
• 20:09
  diagnosis: When really I could have been choosing me and it was that promise that I made to myself; I'm never not going to choose myself again.
• 20:21
  diagnosis: So, Lora, tell me what are the the three distinctive angles of burnout; and how do they manifest in your life, daily?
• 20:31
  diagnosis: Yeah, I think; I'm gonna try to group these in a little bit different way.
• 20:37
  diagnosis: I think the first most distinguished or distinguished feature of burnout is that I just don't wanna do it anymore.
• 20:45
  diagnosis: It's just that everything feels like an uphill climb.
• 20:48
  diagnosis: It's things that we used to find fun and enjoyable, we just don't want to do it anymore.
• 20:56
  diagnosis: Things that we used to love, things that we know.
• 20:59
  diagnosis: And what happens with that is it becomes such a vicious cycle.
• 21:04
  diagnosis: It becomes such a vicious circle because then we spend all of this energy not doing it.
• 21:10
  diagnosis: And then playing those games with ourself in our head; I don't wanna do this.
• 21:13
  diagnosis: I'm not gonna make this call.
• 21:14
  diagnosis: I don't wanna make this call.
• 21:15
  diagnosis: I'm not gonna make this call.
• 21:16
  diagnosis: Six weeks later, we're still playing that game with ourself and I don't wanna make this call.
• 21:20
  diagnosis: I don't have to make this call.
• 21:21
  diagnosis: Do I have to make this call?
• 21:23
  diagnosis: And we waste so much more time and energy.
• 21:28
  diagnosis: And one of the things that I tell people to do, and it sounds kind of funny, and it sounds kind of juvenile in a way, but I have people make a list of the things that they just don't wanna do.
• 21:40
  diagnosis: It's not hard, but they just don't wanna do it.
• 21:43
  diagnosis: And then I always say, remember Nike, remember just do it, we're having our just do it moment.
• 21:50
  diagnosis: And it's usually only like a half an hour a day, but pull out your list and have your just do it moment.
• 21:56
  diagnosis: Because you are setting yourself free, because you're just doing it and then it's done.
• 22:02
  diagnosis: And it's not that poof the burnout is magically gone.
• 22:07
  diagnosis: But it helps preserve your energy because you don't spend all of that time in that cycle resisting yourself; because we waste so much energy resisting our ourself.
• 22:22
  diagnosis: I think the second distinguishing characteristic of burnout is that resentment piece, that martyr piece, that unfairness piece.
• 22:35
  diagnosis: Is that sense of I don't deserve this.
• 22:39
  diagnosis: And this is a hard one.
• 22:41
  diagnosis: So often we're not aware of our own power, our own sovereignty, our own agency.
• 22:50
  diagnosis: In our culture, there's not a distinguishing date where you like become of age and have to take care of yourself.
• 23:00
  diagnosis: We grow up slowly.
• 23:01
  diagnosis: Yay, at 16 you can get a license.
• 23:03
  diagnosis: Woo, at 18 you can vote, woo-hoo.
• 23:05
  diagnosis: At 21 you can get yay.
• 23:07
  diagnosis: Like there's rights of passages, but we still live a life serving other people and thinking that other people will take care of us.
• 23:19
  diagnosis: And we think that there's some mysterious point system out there and somebody is keeping score.
• 23:25
  diagnosis: I see that Lora sacrificed, so she gets a point here, I see that.
• 23:29
  diagnosis: And it's stepping into our full adulthood, our full agency, that I am the only one that's gonna take care of myself and that I get to choose.
• 23:40
  diagnosis: I get to put myself in bed on time.
• 23:43
  diagnosis: I get to feed myself healthy food.
• 23:46
  diagnosis: I get to create a boundary around my time and my energy.
• 23:52
  diagnosis: And again, it's simple, but it's not easy.
• 23:58
  diagnosis: And when we start becoming very aware of those boundaries around us, whether it is food, sleep, time, whatever, it does help with that whole martyr resentment piece.
• 24:11
  diagnosis: And what I like to say to people is, if you ever feel like a martyr, and let me tell you, I do, that's a clue that your boundaries are becoming very weak.
• 24:20
  diagnosis: Or that we fail to set them and that we fail to take care of ourself.
• 24:26
  diagnosis: And just stepping up those boundaries helps prevent that feeling of martyrdom, resentment, things like that.
• 24:36
  diagnosis: And this is, this is more of an opinion than a fact, but I think it's true.
• 24:41
  diagnosis: I think it's a great opinion.
• 24:44
  diagnosis: I don't think we have been taught the value of stress relieving tools ever.
• 24:53
  diagnosis: Like we hear about these things to do on the backend.
• 24:57
  diagnosis: Well, once you burn out, do this.
• 25:00
  diagnosis: In law, there's this concept of preventative law.
• 25:05
  diagnosis: And it costs less money and less time to prevent the argument, the fight, than it does to go to court.
• 25:17
  diagnosis: Hire a lawyer to help you create a, a draft, a contract before.
• 25:25
  diagnosis: Don't wait, go through a contract and have a six year contract dispute in litigation.
• 25:32
  diagnosis: So it's that preventative law concept, but with burnout.
• 25:36
  diagnosis: What are the things that you can do to prevent stress?
• 25:40
  diagnosis: What are the things that you can do to support your body, to support your mind, to support your heart, to support others in the workplace?
• 25:50
  diagnosis: Because it's about living the kind of life where you don't get to the place that you're burned out.
• 25:57
  diagnosis: And so many of us are like, oh, but that's selfish.
• 26:00
  diagnosis: No, it's not.
• 26:01
  diagnosis: No, no, no, it's not.
• 26:03
  diagnosis: Live the kind of life where you're regulated and happy early on, and you won't have to worry about burnout.
• 26:13
  diagnosis: Lora, this just came up to mind.
• 26:15
  diagnosis: What's the difference between, feeling burned out and unmet expectations?
• 26:22
  diagnosis: Ooh, I love that.
• 26:23
  diagnosis: I love that.
• 26:23
  diagnosis: I love that.
• 26:25
  diagnosis: Thinking about stress, we all metabolize and experience stress a little bit differently.
• 26:32
  diagnosis: So think about for you, when you say, I'm so stressed, what does it feel like?
• 26:39
  diagnosis: If you are stressing fabric, you're pulling it, and then those threads are about to break.
• 26:46
  diagnosis: Are you feeling tension in your shoulders?
• 26:49
  diagnosis: Is your gut clenching?
• 26:52
  diagnosis: Are you not breathing deep?
• 26:54
  diagnosis: Think about the times where you really are stressed.
• 26:58
  diagnosis: Are you getting in that time scarcity mentality where you're speeding up and speeding up and, and everything is going too fast and I can't?
• 27:03
  diagnosis: Is it an overwhelm?
• 27:05
  diagnosis: How does it feel in your body?
• 27:09
  diagnosis: Stress is usually that physical feeling that something is compressing my body, something is impacting my muscles, my breath, my psyche.
• 27:20
  diagnosis: It tends to be more of this physical stress, just like if you're pulling on fabric, you're creating stress.
• 27:28
  diagnosis: Whereas a broken expectation is in the mind.
• 27:34
  diagnosis: It's not as much in the shoulders or the gut.
• 27:38
  diagnosis: It's in our belief system that this should work out.
• 27:43
  diagnosis: A plus B should equal C. If I am healthy and don't smoke, I shouldn't get lung cancer.
• 27:52
  diagnosis: So when you get lung cancer and you say, but I've never been a smoker, that doesn't add up.
• 27:59
  diagnosis: That's a broken expectation.
• 28:01
  diagnosis: We have all of these expectations, if you go to college and get a good job, you're gonna make money, you're gonna be set up.
• 28:09
  diagnosis: If you're loyal to the company, you'll get promoted.
• 28:12
  diagnosis: If you do right by your kids, your kids are gonna excel, right?
• 28:17
  diagnosis: If you take care of your lawn, it's gonna turn green.
• 28:21
  diagnosis: I mean, we have all of these expectations, but even deeper than that.
• 28:27
  diagnosis: You know I mentioned like the patriarchy earlier; culture, society, we have these expectations.
• 28:35
  diagnosis: about how things should work and how we should be supported.
• 28:39
  diagnosis: One of the things that I it's funny, but I grew up in the eighties.
• 28:44
  diagnosis: In the seventies and eighties, the Enjoli perfume commercial, you know, cause I'm a woman, and I can bring home the bacon, ta da daa.
• 28:54
  diagnosis: So, it's setting up these expectations that, this is what I should do.
• 28:59
  diagnosis: I should be able to bring home the bacon.
• 29:00
  diagnosis: I should be able to fry it up in a pan.
• 29:02
  diagnosis: I should be able to look perfect and amazing.
• 29:05
  diagnosis: Even the slogan for that Enjoli was the what, the eight hour perfume for your 24 hour woman; that I should be a 24 hour woman.
• 29:13
  diagnosis: That I could be.
• 29:15
  diagnosis: And then it's this internalized sense of failure.
• 29:19
  diagnosis: So if you have ever had an internalized sense of failure, why didn't things work out for me?
• 29:23
  diagnosis: What did I do wrong?
• 29:25
  diagnosis: Those are two questions that if you ever think chances are that you're experiencing betrayal.
• 29:32
  diagnosis: If you ever think, what's wrong with me?
• 29:34
  diagnosis: Or what did I do to deserve this?
• 29:36
  diagnosis: Or why me?
• 29:38
  diagnosis: It's that sense of injustice, and that's betrayal versus stress, which is physical in the body, broken expectations are in the mind.
• 29:49
  diagnosis: Mm-hmm.
• 29:50
  diagnosis: But there are some people out there that just have this, sense of feeling that if I do this, you know, maybe, they're at their job and they don't perform at a hundred percent; they're doing sixty percent.
• 30:03
  diagnosis: But in their mind they think they're doing a hundred percent and they feel like I do a hundred percent, because in their mind they're doing a hundred percent, but they're really doing sixty percent.
• 30:12
  diagnosis: I should get the raise or the corner office.
• 30:16
  diagnosis: And then when that corner office or that raise does not happen, they feel like there's this unmet expectation because they thought they were doing a hundred percent, when in reality they were probably performing at sixty percent.
• 30:28
  diagnosis: Yes, yes, absolutely.
• 30:31
  diagnosis: What I talk about when it comes to expectations is a few things.
• 30:36
  diagnosis: We need to advocate on behalf of our expectations.
• 30:40
  diagnosis: Because expectations live in our brain.
• 30:43
  diagnosis: Can you see what's in other people's brains?
• 30:45
  diagnosis: Nope.
• 30:46
  diagnosis: Can other people see what's in my brain?
• 30:48
  diagnosis: Nope.
• 30:49
  diagnosis: So the first step in learning how to manage your expectations is to identify what those expectations are.
• 30:58
  diagnosis: So like that person might identify, I expect the corner office.
• 31:03
  diagnosis: I expect stock options, I expect bonuses, and I really expect to be running this company by the time I'm 40.
• 31:12
  diagnosis: This is awesome.
• 31:15
  diagnosis: The second step, after you've identified what they are, is to communicate those expectations.
• 31:23
  diagnosis: And if you don't know who to communicate those expectations to, chances are they're unrealistic expectations.
• 31:33
  diagnosis: When I mentioned like the Enjoli perfume commercial, who would I have communicated that to?
• 31:38
  diagnosis: Who would I have gone to and said, I expect to be this perfect 24-hour woman.
• 31:43
  diagnosis: I'm gonna do it all.
• 31:44
  diagnosis: I'm not gonna sleep and it's gonna be awesome.
• 31:47
  diagnosis: Who would I communicate that to?
• 31:49
  diagnosis: Nobody, because it's not realistic.
• 31:52
  diagnosis: So using your example, maybe they could communicate it to their boss during a review.
• 31:57
  diagnosis: I am dedicated and committed to this company as I know that you can tell.
• 32:02
  diagnosis: I am looking forward to being in a leadership position.
• 32:06
  diagnosis: I can't wait for this.
• 32:08
  diagnosis: That's communicating it.
• 32:11
  diagnosis: That's when you start getting more information.
• 32:15
  diagnosis: Well wonderful.
• 32:18
  diagnosis: In order for you to make that dream a reality.
• 32:21
  diagnosis: What is expected here is 60-hour work weeks.
• 32:27
  diagnosis: You know, productivity at a certain level.
• 32:30
  diagnosis: Or we don't have that kind of a structure at this company.
• 32:35
  diagnosis: That's when that conversation can start getting rich and deep and real.
• 32:41
  diagnosis: And that's where the alignment of expectations comes in.
• 32:46
  diagnosis: I had mentioned contracts earlier.
• 32:48
  diagnosis: In contracts law, in order for a contract to be valid, you have to have what's called a meeting of the minds.
• 32:55
  diagnosis: And that's what I always encourage people to go for when they're talking about their expectations.
• 33:01
  diagnosis: How can we have a meeting of the minds?
• 33:04
  diagnosis: I am expecting, like right now we're doing a podcast; I am expecting that this is gonna go up on YouTube.
• 33:11
  diagnosis: I'm expecting I can share it with my audience.
• 33:14
  diagnosis: I'm expecting that you're gonna share it with your audience.
• 33:17
  diagnosis: We have this conversation before; hey, we're doing a podcast.
• 33:20
  diagnosis: Is it on video?
• 33:21
  diagnosis: Yes, it's on video.
• 33:23
  diagnosis: Hey, we're gonna talk about this.
• 33:24
  diagnosis: Wonderful.
• 33:25
  diagnosis: If you showed up and all of a sudden started talking about dog training, it'd be like, wait, one, I'm, I'm in the wrong room.
• 33:33
  diagnosis: I don't do that.
• 33:35
  diagnosis: So communicating your expectations is where they start getting real and where you can start distinguishing between realistic and unrealistic expectations.
• 33:46
  diagnosis: And then that third piece, after we've identified, and then communicated is learning how to advocate on behalf of our expectations, and that's also a piece that gets overlooked.
• 33:59
  diagnosis: Sometimes we just communicate and we make all of these assumptions that because I communicated the other person totally, they're on board with me.
• 34:07
  diagnosis: Yep, no.
• 34:09
  diagnosis: How can you advocate on behalf of yourself and those expectations so you can ultimately get what you want?
• 34:18
  diagnosis: What individual strategies can people begin to implement to begin to address burnout?
• 34:25
  diagnosis: Or overcome burnout.
• 34:27
  diagnosis: Mm-hmm.
• 34:29
  diagnosis: Awareness is huge.
• 34:31
  diagnosis: And, sometimes people are like, what do you even mean by awareness?
• 34:35
  diagnosis: I'm too busy to be aware.
• 34:38
  diagnosis: The strategy that I like is to come up with some filter questions for yourself.
• 34:44
  diagnosis: You can put it on a sticky.
• 34:45
  diagnosis: You can make it on the screensaver of your phone.
• 34:49
  diagnosis: If you've got somebody at work or at home that's also struggling with burnout, you can ask each other some of those questions.
• 34:57
  diagnosis: And the questions don't have to be fancy.
• 35:00
  diagnosis: They can be as simple as, how am I feeling today?
• 35:05
  diagnosis: What do I need right now that could make me feel better?
• 35:10
  diagnosis: Sometimes it is just a, oh, leaning back and taking a stretch.
• 35:16
  diagnosis: Sometimes it's, I'm going to walk down and get some water.
• 35:21
  diagnosis: Sometimes it's, I need nature, I need my cat.
• 35:24
  diagnosis: Just ask yourself those questions.
• 35:26
  diagnosis: It's not, usually I need a week in the Bahamas and 14 spa days.
• 35:31
  diagnosis: Usually if it's just something small.
• 35:34
  diagnosis: But that's the first place to start.
• 35:37
  diagnosis: Come up with a couple of filter questions, put them in different places, and start asking yourself what you need.
• 35:44
  diagnosis: And then just giving yourself those little things and see how you feel, that's step one.
• 35:50
  diagnosis: That's great.
• 35:51
  diagnosis: How does Fuel Up Burnout Recovery Method help midlife women reclaim their purpose and vitality?
• 36:00
  diagnosis: Mm. I just love that.
• 36:04
  diagnosis: The global answer is it helps because it, it gives you the awareness of all the things.
• 36:12
  diagnosis: And what I mean by that is Fuel Up is an acronym.
• 36:17
  diagnosis: F stands for Find Your Why.
• 36:20
  diagnosis: Why are you doing what you're doing?
• 36:23
  diagnosis: Are you doing it because I wanna make money so I can retire?
• 36:27
  diagnosis: Great.
• 36:28
  diagnosis: Are you doing it because I really feel passionate and I'm saving the world?
• 36:32
  diagnosis: Great.
• 36:33
  diagnosis: Identify your Why.
• 36:35
  diagnosis: Find your why.
• 36:36
  diagnosis: And that's harder than you might think because most of us are not asked, why are you doing that?
• 36:42
  diagnosis: Why are you passionate?
• 36:44
  diagnosis: So find your why.
• 36:45
  diagnosis: The U in Fuel Up stands for Uncover the truth.
• 36:51
  diagnosis: And this is for being brave enough to really start uncovering.
• 36:56
  diagnosis: I uncover that I am a perfectionist.
• 36:59
  diagnosis: I uncover that I'm living a transactional life because I always have to feel like I'm good enough.
• 37:05
  diagnosis: I always have to feel like I'm earning my keep or proving my worth.
• 37:10
  diagnosis: Uncover the self-worth.
• 37:14
  diagnosis: Uncover, be brave and uncover what's really holding you back.
• 37:19
  diagnosis: Maybe it's fear of greatness.
• 37:21
  diagnosis: Uncover what's really going on.
• 37:24
  diagnosis: The E stands for expectation management, and we talked about that a little bit earlier.
• 37:29
  diagnosis: Start identifying, communicating and advocating on behalf of yourself and your expectations.
• 37:35
  diagnosis: The L in Fuel Up is one of my favorites, it stands for Laugh.
• 37:41
  diagnosis: Laughing is the number one way to calm and reregulate the nervous system.
• 37:45
  diagnosis: And I think especially as women, we're like, I don't wanna be seen as this airhead, he, he, he, he, he.
• 37:53
  diagnosis: So often we stop laughing, we stop smiling.
• 37:57
  diagnosis: We have that executive presence, which is powerful.
• 38:01
  diagnosis: Laugh, laughing relieves tension not only in ourselves but in the environment.
• 38:09
  diagnosis: Laugh, get yourself back in the prefrontal cortex.
• 38:12
  diagnosis: Get yourself reregulated and you'll start feeling so much better.
• 38:17
  diagnosis: And the Up in Fuel Up stands for unbroken promises.
• 38:21
  diagnosis: And that's unbroken promises to your self.
• 38:25
  diagnosis: We all know what we need to do, don't we?
• 38:28
  diagnosis: Like I know what I need to eat.
• 38:30
  diagnosis: I know how many hours a night I need to sleep.
• 38:33
  diagnosis: I know when I need a break.
• 38:35
  diagnosis: Who is gonna do that for me except me?
• 38:38
  diagnosis: So it's just starting to keep those promises to yourself to really take care of yourself.
• 38:47
  diagnosis: And when you Fuel Up, you have that awareness, you have the tools, and life just starts slowly shifting around you.
• 38:55
  diagnosis: And you start feeling better, and then suddenly you are more vibrant and you've got more time and you're not burned out the way that you used to be.
• 39:07
  diagnosis: And I think recognizing too that using this model It's not being selfish.
• 39:13
  diagnosis: It is putting the oxygen mask on yourself before you place it on someone else.
• 39:17
  diagnosis: else.
• 39:18
  diagnosis: Yes, yes.
• 39:21
  diagnosis: And also women especially are so concerned about being selfish.
• 39:26
  diagnosis: But isn't this the best way to model behavior that we want others; our children, our nieces, our nephews?
• 39:34
  diagnosis: You know, women that we're mentoring in the workplace, this is the best way to model self-care, health, thriving, longevity.
• 39:44
  diagnosis: You know, so many women will say and have said, oh, but I don't wanna be selfish.
• 39:48
  diagnosis: What are you teaching your daughters?
• 39:50
  diagnosis: What are you teaching all of those people looking at you; you're teaching them that their worth isn't what they do, and it's not in who they are, and that is not the right message.
• 40:00
  diagnosis: I know that's not what you're trying to teach people.
• 40:04
  diagnosis: You're teaching that you come, you come last.
• 40:07
  diagnosis: And that's not what you want to teach your children, that you're not good enough.
• 40:12
  diagnosis: You're last.
• 40:14
  diagnosis: Right, right.
• 40:16
  diagnosis: Because if you don't put yourself first, I say this a lot; if you don't put yourself first, you will always come in last.
• 40:25
  diagnosis: And then you start wondering, why am I always in last?
• 40:28
  diagnosis: Why does nobody take care?
• 40:30
  diagnosis: And then it breeds that resentment.
• 40:31
  diagnosis: Then you go down that rabbit hole.
• 40:34
  diagnosis: You are there because you've betrayed yourself; because you've put yourself last.
• 40:39
  diagnosis: So, Lora, can you tell a success story?
• 40:42
  diagnosis: Someone who worked with you and came out a different person.
• 40:46
  diagnosis: Came out recognizing that they have so much to offer the world because they gave themselves a chance to be first.
• 40:53
  diagnosis: Ah, I love that question.
• 40:55
  diagnosis: Yes, ah, I think one of my favorite stories is, how old was she?
• 41:03
  diagnosis: She was maybe in her mid forties, and she was born and raised in a very conservative religion.
• 41:10
  diagnosis: And she had several kids and they were, money was always tight.
• 41:16
  diagnosis: She was always coming in last.
• 41:18
  diagnosis: I mean, you, you just get the, the image.
• 41:20
  diagnosis: She found out her husband had betrayed her, and the church told her to stay.
• 41:27
  diagnosis: And for about a year she did.
• 41:30
  diagnosis: She got such chronic health issues, gut issues, her hair started falling out because of the extreme stress.
• 41:38
  diagnosis: She had such fear of stepping into the workplace because of all these stories, like, I'll never have time.
• 41:44
  diagnosis: I'll never be with my kids again.
• 41:46
  diagnosis: All of these external stories.
• 41:49
  diagnosis: When we started doing this whole Fuel Up, finding your why, her why was with her kids, her why was to be that good person.
• 41:58
  diagnosis: Uncovering the truth that it was just fear that it was these stories that she had heard about working women were the, you know, the, the evil.
• 42:08
  diagnosis: You'll never amount to anything, that's not where your value lies.
• 42:12
  diagnosis: She shifted all of that and she has stepped into such a healthy pattern.
• 42:19
  diagnosis: She is healthier with her kids.
• 42:21
  diagnosis: She's working full-time.
• 42:23
  diagnosis: She's actually working full-time in an organization, get this that serves children.
• 42:29
  diagnosis: She is divorced.
• 42:31
  diagnosis: She is so much healthier.
• 42:33
  diagnosis: Her gut issues went away.
• 42:34
  diagnosis: Her hair is not falling out anymore.
• 42:37
  diagnosis: And what's interesting about it is she's now also mentoring other women in this kind of like religious trauma organization to help other women see this is not, you're not evil and bad.
• 42:50
  diagnosis: You can have more time with your children.
• 42:52
  diagnosis: And she had this big takeaway, and I thought this was interesting too.
• 42:55
  diagnosis: She had a lot of volume of time with her children, but she was never present.
• 42:59
  diagnosis: She was always angry, she was resentful, she was stressed.
• 43:02
  diagnosis: And she's like, now the time that I spend with my kids, yes, it's less hours a day, but I'm present, and connected.
• 43:09
  diagnosis: We have a higher value relationship than we ever had.
• 43:13
  diagnosis: When I was there feeling scared to be at home because I thought if I say something and rock the boat, I'm gonna set off his wrath.
• 43:22
  diagnosis: And, you know, it was a huge transformation and it took about three years.
• 43:27
  diagnosis: I don't want people to be like, boom, I just did this little nothing, then last week I was this person and now I'm new.
• 43:33
  diagnosis: But she has no fear now.
• 43:35
  diagnosis: She's like, bring it on.
• 43:37
  diagnosis: I can handle it because I can push in and challenge myself and come out the other side with my own strength.
• 43:46
  diagnosis: I don't need anybody else.
• 43:49
  diagnosis: She came out and became for her family, the better version of herself or the version she should have been all along.
• 43:57
  diagnosis: So, so true.
• 44:00
  diagnosis: And just that power and it's, for her, there was a lot of fear of like that power equals masculine.
• 44:07
  diagnosis: This is feminine power.
• 44:08
  diagnosis: This is taking care of it.
• 44:09
  diagnosis: This is goddess energy.
• 44:11
  diagnosis: This is such protective lioness and yeah, she is the best role model that you could ever imagine.
• 44:20
  diagnosis: That's a a beautiful story.
• 44:22
  diagnosis: Yeah.
• 44:23
  diagnosis: So Laura, based on the conversation that we have had here today, what is the one thing that you would like the listener or the viewer to hold close to their heart?
• 44:32
  diagnosis: That one person who says, I'm burned out, and I've already been burned out before I tried this job, and I walked away.
• 44:40
  diagnosis: And I'm mean this job and this job is just, I can't handle it anymore.
• 44:44
  diagnosis: Yeah, I think the one thing that I want people to know is It's not you.
• 44:54
  diagnosis: It's not you, that's not doing enough.
• 44:57
  diagnosis: It's not you that can't handle it.
• 45:00
  diagnosis: It's not you, it's the narrative.
• 45:04
  diagnosis: Quit doing more.
• 45:06
  diagnosis: Quit thinking one more thing is gonna solve it.
• 45:10
  diagnosis: How can you challenge that narrative?
• 45:12
  diagnosis: How can you step into something that is who you are?
• 45:17
  diagnosis: How can you be confident enough to trust in your truth.
• 45:22
  diagnosis: To create those boundaries.
• 45:24
  diagnosis: To communicate those expectations.
• 45:27
  diagnosis: And just to walk away with this knowingness, and I'm like touching, it's that deep knowingness in the back of your head, in the heart and in the gut that who you are is truly more than enough.
• 45:40
  diagnosis: And that you don't have to do anything else and just to trust who you are.
• 45:46
  diagnosis: Before we wrap up here, Laura, I want you to share your success story about your betrayal, because you talked about your betrayal in the beginning, but I want you to wrap it up with a bow.
• 46:00
  diagnosis: I love that.
• 46:02
  diagnosis: After my betrayal, my partner's infidelity, we separated for a while.
• 46:09
  diagnosis: I had this realization that this is about me.
• 46:14
  diagnosis: I came back home to myself.
• 46:16
  diagnosis: I stopped betraying myself.
• 46:17
  diagnosis: I grew, he grew.
• 46:20
  diagnosis: We ended up coming back together.
• 46:23
  diagnosis: We are now about to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary.
• 46:27
  diagnosis: We are happier, we are healthier.
• 46:30
  diagnosis: Our relationship is so different.
• 46:34
  diagnosis: And we are each who we were always meant to be.
• 46:37
  diagnosis: And we are in a true partnership where before it was transactional.
• 46:43
  diagnosis: And now it is heart and it is soul, and it was, I hate to say it was worth the pain, but it was worth the pain.
• 46:52
  diagnosis: It's beautiful.
• 46:52
  diagnosis: Congratulations, Laura.
• 46:54
  diagnosis: I'm so sorry that you went through what you went through, but I'm so happy you are, telling your success story.
• 47:02
  diagnosis: Thank you.
• 47:03
  diagnosis: Me too.
• 47:04
  diagnosis: Because the challenges that we have, our catalysts for growth.
• 47:09
  diagnosis: And take that growth.
• 47:11
  diagnosis: You know, I, it's hard, but whatever your challenge is, open yourself up to the opportunities because it is always something beautiful that can come out of it.
• 47:23
  diagnosis: Lora, where can people learn more about you, hear more of you, work you?
• 47:30
  diagnosis: I am on social media at Lora Cheadle, and my name is spelled a little different, it's LORA.
• 47:36
  diagnosis: So you can find me all across social media at Lora Cheadle.
• 47:40
  diagnosis: You can also go to my website, workplace-burnout.com and learn more about me there.
• 47:48
  diagnosis: And I would love, love, love to connect and hear your stories.
• 47:53
  diagnosis: And you also have a YouTube and a podcast show.
• 47:57
  diagnosis: I do.
• 47:58
  diagnosis: My podcast is for women who have been betrayed by their intimate partner, and it's called Flaunt, Create a Life You Love After Infidelity or Betrayal.
• 48:08
  diagnosis: And I've got two books.
• 48:10
  diagnosis: My most recent book is called, It's Not Burnout, It's Betrayal: Five Tools to Fuel Up and Thrive.
• 48:17
  diagnosis: And that book will walk you more in depth through all of the things that we talked about in today's episode.
• 48:24
  diagnosis: Great.
• 48:25
  diagnosis: Lora, thank you so much for coming on the show.
• 48:27
  diagnosis: I will include all of your information in the show notes so that people know exactly where get help.
• 48:33
  diagnosis: Wonderful, thank you so much.
• 48:35
  diagnosis: I really enjoyed this conversation.
• 48:36
  diagnosis: It was a rich one.
• 48:38
  diagnosis: Great.
• 48:38
  diagnosis: Thank you.
• 48:38
  diagnosis: Thank you.
• 48:39
  diagnosis: So remember how we opened with that moment where Lora thought she had done everything right and still ended up on the floor in heartbreak and burnout?
• 48:49
  diagnosis: Here's the full circle moment, she came home to herself and not only did she rebuild her career and her confidence.
• 48:59
  diagnosis: She rebuilt her marriage and her joy.
• 49:02
  diagnosis: That's not just healing, that's transformation.
• 49:05
  diagnosis: And it all started when she stopped performing for everyone else and chose herself first.
• 49:13
  diagnosis: If Lora's story hit home for you and you want to learn more about her Fuel Up Method, hear more of her wisdom or connect with her directly, head on over to createthebestme.com/ep129.
• 49:28
  diagnosis: And hey, don't forget to come back next week for another amazing episode, created just for you.
• 49:35
  diagnosis: Until then, keep dreaming big.
• 49:37
  diagnosis: Take care of yourself, and remember, you are beautiful, strong, and capable of creating the best version of yourself.
• 49:46
  diagnosis: Thank you for watching.
• 49:47
  diagnosis: Catch you next week.
• 49:49
  diagnosis: Bye for now.