Latest / Women Who Lead: Leadership, Career & Influence / The Guilt of Prioritizing Self Over Company Goals | Women Who Lead
Transcript
- You’re sitting in that meeting, nodding along to a deadline you know will break your team, and the heaviest weight on your shoulders isn’t the project—it’s the quiet, gnawing belief that you are being selfish for protecting your own boundaries. Let’s get real for a second. We need to talk about the invisible tax we pay when we try to be good leaders and good humans at the same time. I see it in my coaching sessions every single week. A woman comes into my office, or we hop on a call, and she looks exhausted. Not just tired, soul-tired. She tells me she said no to an extra initiative. Maybe she declined a late-night email thread. Maybe she left the office at six o’clock sharp because her kids needed dinner. And instead of feeling proud, she feels guilty. She feels like she let the company down. Like she betrayed the mission. But here is the truth that nobody puts in the leadership handbook: You cannot pour from an empty cup, and you certainly cannot lead a team through chaos if you are drowning in it yourself. The guilt you feel? It is not a sign that you are doing something wrong. It is a sign that you have been conditioned to believe that your value is tied to your availability. That your worth is measured by how much you can endure before you crack. And that is a dangerous game to play. Because when you do crack, it doesn’t just hurt you. It ripples out to everyone around you. Your team watches you. They watch how you handle stress. They watch whether you respect your own time enough to protect it. If you treat yourself as disposable, they will too. And that is not leadership. That is burnout waiting to happen. I want you to think about the last time you stayed silent. Maybe you didn’t push back on a unrealistic goal. Maybe you agreed to take on more than your fair share because you were afraid of looking difficult. What was the cost of that silence? Did you sleep better? Probably not. Did you perform at your best? Unlikely. When we suppress our own needs to keep the peace or to look dedicated, we create a disconnect between who we are and what we do. This dissonance is exhausting. It drains the energy you would otherwise use for strategy, for creativity, for genuine connection with your people. I remember early in my career, I had a director role at a Fortune 500 company. I was running three major projects. I was the go-to person. Everyone wanted me. And I loved it, initially. But then the fatigue set in. I started making small mistakes. I missed details. I became irritable in meetings. My team noticed. One of my direct reports, a brilliant young woman, came to me and asked, 'Deborah, are you okay? You seem distant.' And I realized, I wasn’t distant because I didn’t care. I was distant because I was trying to hold up the sky with one hand. I was prioritizing the company’s immediate goals over my own sustainability. And the result? The quality of my work dropped. The morale of my team dipped. I thought I was being selfless, but I was actually being ineffective. We often confuse busyness with importance. We confuse sacrifice with success. But true influence isn’t about how much you can carry. It’s about how clearly you can steer the ship. And you can’t steer if you’re too depleted to see the horizon. So, how do we shift this? How do we stop feeling like villains for taking care of ourselves? It starts with reframing the narrative. When you prioritize your well-being, you are not abandoning the company goals. You are ensuring that you have the capacity to achieve them. Think of it like oxygen masks on an airplane. The instructions always say, 'Put on your own mask before assisting others.' It sounds selfish, right? But if you pass out, you can’t help anyone. In leadership, your mental and physical health is that oxygen mask. When you take time to recharge, to set boundaries, to say no to things that don’t align with your core values, you are preserving your ability to lead. You are maintaining your strategic clarity. I tell my clients all the time: Your boundary is not a wall. It is a filter. It helps you focus your energy on what truly matters. When you say no to the trivial, you are saying yes to the significant. This is strategic empathy. It is understanding that your team needs a leader who is present, not just physically there, but mentally engaged. And you can’t be present if you are running on fumes. So, next time you feel that pang of guilt, pause. Ask yourself: Am I doing this because it adds value, or am I doing this because I’m afraid of being seen as less than perfect? Fear is a terrible motivator. Clarity is a powerful one. Choose clarity. We have this cultural myth of the superwoman leader. The one who has it all together. Who never misses a beat. Who answers emails at midnight and still makes it to yoga class. It’s a lie. And it’s a cruel one. Because it sets us up for failure. It makes us feel inadequate when we are human. When we get sick. When we need a mental health day. When we struggle to balance a board meeting and a school play. I want to give you permission to be human. I want you to embrace the messiness of it. Vulnerability is not a weakness in leadership; it is a strategic asset. When you admit you are overwhelmed, you give your team permission to be honest about their own limits. You create a culture of trust. When you hide your struggles, you create a culture of secrecy and fear. People won’t come to you with problems until it’s too late. They will wait until everything is on fire. And then you will wonder why your team didn’t speak up. Let’s get real for a second. No one expects you to be perfect. They expect you to be real. They expect you to be reliable, yes. But reliability includes knowing your limits. It includes communicating those limits clearly. It includes modeling healthy behavior for the rest of the organization. When you prioritize yourself, you are showing your team that self-care is not a luxury. It is a requirement for sustainable success. You are teaching them that they can thrive without burning out. That is a gift you give them. That is leadership. Okay, so how do we put this into practice? You don’t have to do it all at once. Start small. Identify one area where you are consistently giving too much. Maybe it’s answering emails after eight pm. Maybe it’s attending meetings that could have been emails. Pick one thing. Protect it. For two weeks, enforce that boundary strictly. Notice how it feels. Notice the guilt. Sit with it. Don’t run from it. Observe it. You will likely find that nothing catastrophic happens. The world does not end. The company does not collapse. In fact, you might find that you become more focused during your working hours because you know you have a hard stop. You might find that your team respects you more because they see you honoring your time. Start having conversations about workload. Not just with your boss, but with your peers. Ask them, 'How are we managing capacity?' Normalize the discussion. Make it okay to say, 'I don’t have the bandwidth for this right now.' Offer alternatives. Suggest a different timeline. Delegate. You are not expected to know everything or do everything. Your job is to orchestrate, not to perform every solo. And finally, celebrate your wins. When you successfully set a boundary, acknowledge it. When you leave work on time, don’t check your phone. Just enjoy the evening. Rewire your brain to associate self-priority with reward, not punishment. It takes time. Be patient with yourself. You are unlearning decades of conditioning. That is hard work. But it is worth it. Think about the legacy you want to leave. Not just in terms of revenue or promotions, but in terms of impact. Do you want to be remembered as the woman who burned out and broke? Or the woman who showed us how to lead with integrity and grace? When you prioritize yourself, you are building a sustainable career. You are extending your runway. You are ensuring that you can continue to make a difference for years to come. Burnout is not a badge of honor. It is a warning sign. Listen to it. Respect it. Use it to guide you toward a more balanced way of leading. You deserve to succeed without sacrificing your soul. Your team deserves a leader who is whole, not fragmented. The company deserves a strategist who is clear-headed, not clouded by exhaustion. This is not just about you. It is about the ecosystem you create. When you heal, you heal those around you. When you thrive, you inspire others to thrive. So, let go of the guilt. It serves no one. Embrace the power of your own well-being. It is the foundation of everything else. You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to put yourself first. Not because you are selfish, but because you are smart. Because you understand that the best way to serve the mission is to serve yourself first. You don’t have to choose between being a good leader and being a good person. You can be both. In fact, you must be both to truly lead. Go forth and lead with your whole heart, but also with your whole self. Thank you for letting me into your day. Take a deep breath. You are doing better than you think. I’ll see you next time.