Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 297. When One Spouse Wants To Try New Things In The Bedroom, But The Other Spouse Doesn't

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297. When One Spouse Wants To Try New Things In The Bedroom, But The Other Spouse Doesn't · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you have been married, you can find passion, happiness and romance at any stage of your life.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Join us as we have discussions in all areas of intimacy, interview marriage professionals and people who are just flat-out fun.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Our podcast is for all couples looking to transform their relationship.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the podcast today.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Thanks, welcome to the podcast, to you.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: I'm excited to have you.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Are you a guest today, or am I the guest?
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: I'll be the guest today.
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: Okay, amy's the guest today, all right, well, we're going to have a good podcast.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: I have no idea what you've prepared.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: I'm going to ask her a lot of tough questions today.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: I'm excited, prepared A lot of tough questions today.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: Well, so we get a lot of messages about typically from husbands saying, man, I really want to try this in the bedroom, or I really want to do this in the bedroom and my spouse just doesn't want to do it.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: So you know what do I do?
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: And, uh, trust me, we get more messages than you'd think we get regarding that subject and we've never, I don't think or recall, have done a podcast on this.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: I mean, we've talked about like what's you know what's okay and what's not okay, comfortable things like that.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: But we thought we'd address this a little bit more directly, head on, give you our opinion on it and you can take our opinions for what they are worth.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: Just, our opinions are free advice, so that's what it's worth.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: Oh, it's worth a lot more than that.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: It is worth a lot more.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: So again, talking about when one spouse wants to try new things in the bedroom and the other spouse doesn't, and that this can also go with you know, know, not being comfortable with certain things, um, doing certain things, I mean we get that a lot right and I think the cool thing is is that you're going to get a husband's perspective and a wife's perspective like always, and they're probably going to be different and that's what makes this podcast more rounded.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Is that the word?
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: That's a great word.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're not just getting a one-sided opinion.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: You're getting a couple that deals with the exact same things you deal with.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: Oh, we absolutely do.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: What does that mean?
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: I just mean everything we've talked about it.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: Most things we've talked about it, we've probably been through it in some form or another oh, absolutely, or are still in it in one form or another.
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: Right right it's daily effort.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: It doesn't matter who you are right yeah, even I.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: What is interesting to me is the more therapists and doctors and people I get to know in my life, the more I realize they all have their own, totally own issues too.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: Like just because they're professionals at something doesn't mean they're immune to it.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: No, absolutely not.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: They.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: They have, they, they know kind of the right way to approach things, the right questions to ask, the right way to mediate things and things like that.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: But they're dealing with really hard stuff, just like we all are right right so yeah, even if, like most of the personal therapists that we know that are friends, I'm like they're dealing with a lot of stuff on a daily basis too, like yeah, and what first?
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: what frustrates me too is we get a lot of emails like oh, you and amy just come across, you have the perfect marriage and everything's perfect.
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: We don't.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: We struggle with things just like everyone else does.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: We have disagreements, we have arguments, we see things differently, but I think hopefully we figured out like how to have good conversations and get through those things and move past hard things.
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: But we I mean look, Most of the time, yeah.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: I don't care.
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: I don't care what your marriage is like.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: It could look like the perfect marriage.
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: There's no one out there that has a perfect marriage.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: Everyone is dealing with different things or struggling with different things.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: A hundred percent.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Well, we got an email today and the lady was like telling us all this amazing stuff about her husband, like listing all these things.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: I'm like, wow, she's like everybody around us thinks we have the most amazing perfect marriage, we are the perfect couple.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: And then she threw out something this is what I'm this is.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: She said this is what I'm struggling with.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: And then she told us what she was struggling with and I was like, whoa, that's a pretty big problem.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: Your marriage is definitely far from whatever perfection looks like to you, right?
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: So, anyways, the whole point is yes, we are all going through constant struggles.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: Exactly, we're just trying to improve and figure out ways to communicate better and things like that.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: So let's kind of jump in, I guess, as far as like dealing with different things in the bedroom, and I think this can be you know, there's some key fundamentals that you just have to, I mean, you have to be aware of, you have to deal with.
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: It's kind of frustrating sometimes because you know, from the men's standpoint, a lot of times they don't see where their wife is coming from or don't take the time to understand why their wife is feeling the way they do or why they're hesitant or things like that.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: It's just like I want to try different things in the bedroom and here's what I want to try, and my wife says no, and she doesn't feel comfortable with it, and you're probably not making her feel comfortable with it.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, exactly you probably aren't making her feel comfortable to talk about it.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: Like I mean, I guess we'll get into this.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think it's.
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: I think, before we jump in, it's so important to recognize that we all have different comfort levels based upon how we grew up and what we experienced growing up and what we were taught growing up and believing that what's right and what's wrong.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: I mean, Amy and I have shared our story as well.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: We were both very much against bedroom toys right.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: I don't think we were against them.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: I think we were just naive to them and thought I don't want to bring that into our marriage because then it might turn into a replacement yeah and I would.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: I don't think we were against them.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: I just don't think we were ever number one, informed hardly anything about them and kind of thought I don't know they were on this kinky level that I didn't want to get into or something I don't really know know how to explain that.
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: And I was probably I was probably less open to him than you were.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: I think so.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of husbands go into like bedroom toys and stuff and thinking that's going to replace me, she's going to want that over me, things like that, and that's a totally valid reason yeah.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: Because a lot of times you think of a bedroom toy and you think of a wife getting a vibrator for herself, right, and you're like, oh, it's to take care of herself.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: It's not meant to, you know.
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: I mean, you have these, I guess, beliefs or things that you think are the reasons why, and in most cases they turn out to be false, right, or in many cases, well, I mean they could, yeah, they, I can see where you're coming.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: I mean, if a husband's really worried about that, I can see, just like Nick was.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: But yeah, that could become a replacement.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: That's where boundaries come in, right.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, which obviously we'll talk about.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: But anyways, again, amy and I sat down, we had an open discussion.
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: We said, hey, here's my concerns, here's how I'm feeling, how are you feeling?
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: And we talked about it and then we decided what's comfortable, right?
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: So obviously jumping in.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: The first thing you got to do is communicate open and respectfully, and I'm amazed at how many people don't really communicate.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: It's just like my spouse said no, and then the husband's frustrated and that's kind of the end of the subject and no one talks about it.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: They don't talk about the why.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: They don't talk about how each other are feeling.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: You know the husband doesn't share why he wants it, the wife doesn't share why maybe she's not comfortable or vice versa.
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: And if it's switched which absolutely can be the case as well too?
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: But you have to sit down and have those hard conversations and understand that there's probably a reason behind it.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: If your spouse isn't feeling comfortable with something in the bedroom, there's probably a reason behind it, and you need to understand and find out what that reason is, why they feel that way.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Because you really can't fix anything or do anything until you understand the why.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: Until you understand the why, you almost have a roadblock up there.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: You can't progress any further until you figure out the why in that so, before you even get to the communication part and I agree that stepping back a wife or a husband is never going to feel comfortable having these discussions unless you have made it a comfortable and safe space, and that happens before a conversation starts.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: That's how you talk about other things, that's how you show respect and kindness.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: In your conversations Like this is a really hard topic.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: So feeling safe and being able to be vulnerable without like feeling like you're going to get attacked or you know what I'm saying, so that has to come first.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: So the first thought is okay, how do I get our marriage in a space where my spouse is going to feel 100% comfortable having this conversation?
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly, a husband, let's just it could go both ways.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: But if a husband is struggling with this because his wife doesn't want to open up about it or talk about it or even have these conversations, that's on her too.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: Like you, you have to be open and willing to talk about hard things in your marriage and sometimes you, instead of just being like I don't want to or I'm not interested or that's wrong, whatever the phrase is that you think about this like you have to kind of self-dive once in a while and think why is it that I feel opposite or against this or what?
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: What is it that?
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: Maybe something in my past or my upbringing, or something I was taught, or a religious belief like?
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: Why is it that I'm hesitant number one to even think about doing it but to have a conversation about it?
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: Because you can't have a conversation unless you you both are on a space where you can be open to hearing your spouse's side, right?
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: yeah, and I love, I love that you're saying all that and bringing all that up, because it is so true like you can't even begin to have a conversation unless you're in a good, healthy place where you can have those really tough conversations, right.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: Well, yeah, it's like if a husband is going to blow up and be like you, just why can't we freaking talk about this?
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: Like this is important to me, blah, blah, blah and he just like unleashes on her.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: She's just going to close down, she's going to be like I don't want to talk about this.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you have got to be a safe space in your marriage.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: These conversations have to be calm and adult and mature and and kind like.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Like I, I want to understand why you want this and I, the other spouse, I want to understand why you're so hesitant to have to do this or to try this like let's talk about that.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: That's how you have a conversation like this.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: Like what do you think happened to make you like think this is so wrong?
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: Or and then there are some things that are wrong like we totally get that there's a lot of hard no's in our marriage yeah but we still have to have those conversations if we both.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: If one person wants something different than the other person, it's a conversation that does need to be had and the other person needs to show respect if there's a valid reason.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: Well, and I don't mean to jump off subject or head, but you know, we had someone approach us and say man, I really want to try this in the bedroom and my wife doesn't want to do it and it really frustrates me.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: And we're like, well, how, you know how's the rest of your sexual intimacy?
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: And they're like, oh, and we're like, well, how, you know how's the rest of your sexual intimacy?
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: And they're like, oh, it's awesome, like it's great.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: We're like, then, why are you held up on this?
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: Like one thing that you feel like you can't do, when everything else is good.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: And I think oftentimes we we tend to do that.
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: Right, like, uh, you know there's so many dynamics and aspects of sexual intimacy and how it goes hand in hand with emotional intimacy, and it's such a like, it's such a complex thing, like everything just needs to be in balance, and when one thing is out of balance, it can just throw so many different things off.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: And you know so, you know it's that's something to consider and kind of think about as well too.
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: Right, like, am I expecting too much?
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: Am I asking too much for wanting to do these things?
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: Is it, is it a want or a need, and is it going to make us feel more connected or less connected and just just things like that?
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: But again, having those open conversations, um, you know, respecting if your spouse feels nervous about having these conversations, one thing you don't want to do is pressure them Absolutely.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: I mean, when you, it's one thing to kind of apply pressure, you know, in other areas, but when you start applying pressure as far as, like, things that your spouse is really uncomfortable with, especially in the bedroom, I mean that's gonna that's gonna cause some cause some issues.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: On the on the flip side, though, like in marriage, you have to be able to have some hard conversations.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: So there is a balance to this where, if someone really like this is important to me and I want, I just want to talk about why and I just want to understand why, like the other person can't just feel uncomfortable all the time.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: Agreed Marriage isn't a like you you're.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: When I say getting naked in marriage, I mean not just literally like you're, you're naked, you're showing your soul in a lot of different areas.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: That's that's what marriage is, and so there's also a balance to this and I'm I'm citing it's it's more usually the husbands like wanting, hey, let's talk about this, whatever it goes both ways.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: But I'm citing with it's more usually the husbands like wanting, hey, let's talk about this, whatever it goes both ways.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: But I'm citing with the husbands on if this has become an issue like wives, like you've got to be able to like talk about these things and be able to express why You've got to be able to express why Did something happen in your past?
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: Is there some religious belief, like we already mentioned?
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: Like why you have to be able to be honest and vulnerable and tell him why and it there needs.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: I mean, well, I guess we'll get into this, but like there kind of has to be a valid reason.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: I know I already said that yeah, and I probably maybe I shouldn't have used the word uncomfortable as much as I meant like pressuring.
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: That's what I meant, like there's.
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: You're totally right, it's okay to be uncomfortable to talk about things, because a lot of things are uncomfortable.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: They are super uncomfortable, we've had those conversations, but it's more.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: It's more the pressure right, the guilt, like you know, trying to trying to guilt them into it through pressure.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: No, you it's.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: That is never okay.
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: I would never cite that, yeah, and that's what I was using the word.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: I'm.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: I'm saying more like it's never okay to pressure doing something or demanding something.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: Like never, never, okay.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: But to have conversations about why not, like it shouldn't need to be pressured.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: That's the point.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: It shouldn't need to be pressured.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: You should be open to telling your husband or your wife, why?
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: and you should be.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: Oh, if there's certain things you haven't tried, you should be open to at least trying things.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: Well certain things.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: There's certain things that are exactly I mean, let's talk about crazy stuff.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: There's a lot of hard no's in our marriage and we've had those discussions.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: We looked each other like hard no, oh, absolutely we agree on them.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: We haven't had a lot of like disagreements where we're like, oh heck, no, we're ever doing any of that kind of stuff.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: Like, yeah, totally agree, totally agree.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: We've been lucky enough to be on the same page with like 99.9% of stuff.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Some couples are not.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: So I'm talking to like some couples get into kinky, crazy crap and I can see full on why many spouses are like no, no, I'm never trying that, I'm never going there, and and that's okay, it's okay.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: It's okay If it's a religious belief or just I don't know there's.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: I mean, this is where it gets tricky.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: I don't.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: This is why we're having a conversation right and hopefully we get some feedback on this.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: But there are things like religiously for us and just for us are are gross, or both of us feel like it's dirty or it's too much or it's too crazy, like there are a lot of things that both of us are like, or it's like, disrespectful rather than.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, there's tons of stuff Like you can have an amazing sex life trying a few positions, trying a couple toys, you don't have to get crazy.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: So I guess that's the kind of point I'm trying to make.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: And I think the older we get, the more we realize lovemaking is about making love.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: It's not about being kinky and crazy and trying all these new things all the time.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: That's not what sexual intimacy is supposed to be about.
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: it's about making love and I and I totally agree with that, because I think when you start getting off into into crazier things, your mind gets off into crazier things right.
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: Your mind gets to, gets from making love and this is a really connecting thing to.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: Oh, let's just to be an all about arousal and physical right like this sexual I think you need to find a balance well, sexual intimacy was created by god to bring people closer together.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: So ask yourself if this thing that I'm held up over because I want to try it is causing contention in my marriage.
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: Like that's not what God wanted for our marriages at all.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, he wants us to be growing closer together.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: Yes, trying it's just.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: It's just.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: It's a huge line of like where people are on this scale.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean?
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: Like trying a new position should not be a big deal.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: Trying something crazy?
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: That should be a big deal, that should be talked about well, and I think, just like in life as well too.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: The same in the bedroom like there's a lot of things we as humans want to do, but we have to restrain ourselves from right.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: We have to say you know what that's not the right thing to do, I'm not going to do it.
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of desires we have that we have to restrain ourselves from because we recognize that it could be harmful or it could be destructive to ourselves or someone else.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: Like really I like I don't even know where you're going with that.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: No, I think just in general, like I mean, um, we just sometimes we have to, we have to restrain ourselves from certain things.
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: And it could be like you're on a diet and that donut looks really good, but we have to restrain ourselves from it because we know it's probably not good for us, right?
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: we're gonna feel sick later yeah, I mean, it could be a million different things that we as humans have to restrain ourselves from, from desiring or wanting and I think sometimes that happens in the bedroom too Like, okay, it's not comfortable, that's okay.
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: Like you know, we have to.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: I think okay.
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: So everyone that listens to us, we've had a lot of things like on pornography.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: We've had some experts on pornography.
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: If you know us, you know pornography has never been something in our marriage that we've ever dealt with.
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: We've literally never watched something in our marriage that we've ever dealt with.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: We've literally never watched it in our marriage.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: So we don't know what it is exactly or what's being shown or taught or whatever.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: I, we don't know, we're clueless, but what we do know is that it's wrecking marriages and people that have come out and said I'm struggling with this and this is what it has done to me.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: That's where a lot of the crazy crap is coming from.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: And if that's the problem because someone in the marriage has been watching stuff and then wants to try that stuff- there's an absolute reason why the other spouse, who has probably been hurt by that addiction or that problem in the marriage, is having some hard like nose.
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: And that's where it gets, I think.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: Think to another level of you need to get a therapist involved, right yeah, and I just wanted to bring that out because I'm like I think a lot of, like a lot of couples that are have not watched or looked or ever seen anything, they don't really know anything new to try, right like like we had to have experts to help design the app and give ideas and and positions and all those different things that come from sexual intimacy experts Because, yeah, if you're new to trying new things, like there's nowhere to go to learn new things in a safe place, which is why we created the app with experts, right, but like people that are coming from things that they've seen or paths that they've had and situations in their life where they've seen and learned a lot of things and then another spouse didn't come from that yeah, and they're like.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: I don't want to try that stuff, I don't feel good about that stuff or that doesn't feel intimate to me or that doesn't feel loving and connecting to me.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: That voice absolutely needs to be heard, and that's why two people that have different feelings on what's okay and what's not okay absolutely are are probably going to clash because of different backgrounds and it can be really really really tricky because there is such a fine line from okay, it is okay to try a new position in the bedroom versus trying stuff that is is crazy, right and that it's a.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: We're talking about a big balance here.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: So what is the question you always ask couples.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: That is really a helpful answer yeah, I think.
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: Does it bring you closer together as a couple, or or not?
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: that's what we have used in our marriage.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: Nick has always been big on that question.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: If that brings you closer together as a couple, that means both of you you both feel that way, you both feel that way, then the answer is probably like yeah, that's great if you can't.
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: You know we have some people that comment back and say, well, I think porn does that for our marriage.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: You got to be realistic and be honest with each other.
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: Uh, you can't.
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: You can't say, oh yeah, this brings us closer together when in reality it's tearing you apart.
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: I mean, and it has to be anyone closer together and it has to be both of you like feeling that same way.
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: It can't just be yeah, I feel that this brings us closer together, even though my spouse doesn't.
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: I believe this like.
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: It has to be something you both feel.
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: Okay, let's decide as a couple.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: Which leads us into the next thing is boundaries setting boundaries and respecting certain comfort levels.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: There's things that I I like, I like and Amy doesn't maybe like or feel as comfortable with, and I just don't, don't really care for it, yeah yeah, and instead of like pushing it, I'm just like you know what, I'm happy with what we have.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: I, you know, like I okay, I'm okay with this or I'm okay without this, I guess is the best way to say it right, and there's certain things that Amy doesn't feel comfortable with, and so we have those boundaries, like Amy said, we know in our relationship.
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: It's like this is a hard, no, this is a hard, no, I'm never, we're not even going to discuss this or try this, or it's just we're not even going to go there, right, absolutely.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: I just I'm very grateful that we have kind of the same thoughts on on all that and I feel really a lot of compassion for the people that are really separate in this area, because this could be really really tricky for your marriage, really tricky yeah, and I understand that 100 like this is a hard conversation when you are having two totally different feelings about things Right.
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: And I'm not.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: We're not here to be like oh, we have the answers for you.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: I don't know what the answer is.
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: Everyone's marriage is different.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: Everybody is so different and there's not a like.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: Here's the answer.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: You might need professional help if it's causing some serious tension in your marriage.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: Because, there's probably a reason that one person, like I said, learned or saw something they want to try.
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: That wasn't a good place to find that, and there's probably a spouse that learned the opposite things that won't even like consider trying, Like there's just there's a lot.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: You might need a therapist if it's bad enough.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: Well, and I think that's where it's important too that like, instead of just jumping all in and saying, hey, sweetie, I want to try this they're like whoa, you know like start small.
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: Like start, find a little bit of compromise and a little bit of middle ground and say, hey, you know, I know we've done missionary our entire life.
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: We've never tried anything else.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: Like, could we try this and start, start with something small and find some middle ground and something that's not too intimidating and try that and see how each other feel and each other's comfort levels and instead of just like going to the extreme or putting your spouse really out of their comfort zone, try little by little.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: I little, I mean I I think we did that in our marriage, right, I mean it was more of like you do have to experiment together a little bit.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: If you want to have fun in the bedroom, which is a big part of marriage, you do have to experiment a little bit.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: And if someone's like not wanting to like I think there was a point where like, okay, let's just try once, and then we both hate it, or if you hate it.
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna be respectful, let's talk.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: This is this is the next big keyword, I think, for this podcast is respect.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: I think if nick was a hard no on something and if I'm a hard no on something like I really, really hate that, that brings me no joy.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: I or or I don't feel right about it or I don't like he we're.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: We try to be very respectful of each other's opinions, right like.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: I think respect is really really big, like if they have a valid reason why, or why maybe they went through some serious trauma and they're still healing from it or whatever.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: Something happened in their past or their upbringing and and something happened and they're like I, I just can't go there.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: Respect right, love and respect 100.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: It's your spouse.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: You want them to feel safe and loved during intimate moments absolutely I mean that's key, I mean that's that's key right?
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: yeah, like especially in intimate moments, like if you're putting your spouse in an uncomfortable situation or making them feel a certain way or guilt or like guilty like, like, intimately like that.
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: That can cause some serious damage serious damage.
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because that is the most intimate and vulnerable that a couple can become is making love, I mean and you don't want sex to turn into something where it's like, oh, it's going to, he or she is going to have to try something new all the time, or I'm feeling like it's not.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: What's the word I'm looking for?
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: Finish my sentence for me.
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: I don't know Like it's not.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: you want it to always be connecting and loving, Like that's what sexual intimacy is.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: That's what makes it intimate, right?
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: Well, so it needs to be compromised, it needs to be uniting, it needs to somebody that's starting to feel like some pressure, like, oh it's, we gotta try this, we gotta try this.
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: They're gonna start resenting sex and pushing it off period well, I also think there's a trust issue, like if your spouse is a hard no and not willing to try things.
• 26:35
  Speaker 2: There might be a trust issue there, right, maybe, like I I'm not saying all the time, but like if you really trust each other as a couple and or just know that you've got each other's backs in all aspects and you feel comfortable with each other and you know that your spouse is never going to put you in a difficult position.
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: Point is is, if you trust each other, you're probably going to trust each other more with things in the bedroom as well.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: For sure.
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: Not all the time, but I would say, if you're a couple that trust each other, you're going to be more willing to like hey, sweetie, do you feel comfortable trying this?
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, I trust you, I trust our relationship, I trust that we're not going to do anything to ruin it, or you're not going to do anything to make me feel uncomfortable, so, or you're not going to do anything to make me feel uncomfortable, so yeah, let's.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: I think this is something we could try.
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: You know, and I think trust.
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: So if you're, if you're in a relationship where your spouse is just like I don't want to do this, there's no way in the world I'm doing this Maybe.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: Maybe just take a look and see if there's a trust trust issue or something's happened in the past to where if they don't have trust with you outside the bedroom, they're certainly not going to have trust with you inside the bedroom.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: And adding to trust once again.
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: Is emotional connection right, like, if you want your intimate time to be good, the outside the bedroom has got to be good first.
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: And that just goes to trust right, like I think a spouse.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: That's like I'm not willing to try.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it has nothing to do with religious beliefs or experiences, or sex even in general.
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it has nothing to do with religious beliefs or experiences, or sex even in general.
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it's just literally like I don't feel loved by you outside the bedroom, like there's no way in heck.
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: I'm like wanting to be all intimate with you and have so much fun in the bedroom, like we got to have fun outside the bedroom first.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: Well, I feel like and you correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like hitting exactly what you're talking about is like emotionally, when you and I are in a really good place outside the bedroom, it seems like in the bedroom we're trying different things, we're having fun more often, right, and when we're not as connected outside the bedroom, it's just like routine.
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: So I totally agree that there is kind of a correlation where what's going on outside the bedroom really either tightens things up in the bedroom or loosens things up in the bedroom to where we're having more fun and trying different things and enjoying each other and laughing and you know absolutely, which is going to take us to our next podcast, which is going to be all about pursuing your spouse right.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, which is literally key to us, to our next podcast which is going to be all about pursuing your spouse, right yeah, which is literally key to this entire podcast.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: I mean we should have done them in different order, but right.
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree.
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: It's literally feeling pursued and desired by your spouse, and it goes both ways, because a lot of husbands and some wives are saying well, I feel desired when sexual intimacy is prioritized, so we get it.
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: It just goes round and round.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: Yep, exactly, and again, hitting on this a little bit again is don't make your spouse feel guilty for not wanting to try something new.
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: I mean, you're just gonna damage your relationship a lot further.
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: Make sure that you're both feeling comfortable on board.
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: And again, try starting out small, try different things, try approaching.
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: Try starting out small, try different things, try approaching things in that sort of way and, uh, make sure you both feel comfortable.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: I really think, like wrapping up this like entire thought, like topic, um, there's just so many things that I'm just we all have some kind of baggage.
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, there's just so many things that I'm just.
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: We all have some kind of baggage.
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, we just all have some kind of baggage.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: We do and or, or even just belief system.
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: We have different belief systems.
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: Even if you're in the same religion, you might have different belief systems about what's okay and what's not okay, right, or what you're comfortable with, or whatever.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: Like we get a lot of I mean, there's all sorts of comments that we get but I also think that the world is starting to make things look okay that probably aren't, and I just want to point that out Like there's certain things that we look at each other and we're like what?
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: Like the world's starting to be like that's okay, that's not okay.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: Like, but another person that you know has the same religious beliefs might be like, yeah, that's perfectly fine.
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: So, like it really comes down to Well, a great example of that is we had a lady.
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: We had a lady message us and she says I cannot believe you're selling intimacy aids Like you guys are basically going to hell.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, she was hardcore.
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: And.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: I'm like this is literally not a replacement for this is literally helping.
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: She's like she's like the bible says you cannot cannot have intimacy, aids or toys.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: And we're like, um yeah, I don't think it says that, but um, anyways whatever her interpretation was well, that's the thing is.
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: Everyone interprets so many things differently, but some people are doing things that I would never consider right.
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: So my whole entire point is everyone's different.
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: There's not right or wrong answer of what's okay and what's not okay, because that's going to look different to your marriage.
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: Everyone's comfort level is different, and that's totally okay.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: And I was going to say the baggage that we come from changes all of that too and our experiences.
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: So if this is a real issue, like a really big issue to you and you're really held up on it and it's hurting your marriage, we talk all time about okay, we're not soup.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: We're not the kind of people like they run to a therapist.
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: They fix everything, but when things are really really hard we do maintenance on so many areas of their marriage.
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: Don't let it hold up your marriage anymore.
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: Like we have a really great therapist we can recommend you, even if we only do one session just to get a little bit of even if you only do one session just to get a little bit of mediocre conversation going on on this.
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: Not mediocre, but I just mean like um, like middle ground, like a middleman, like just to help you have this conversation if it's too hard and it's really hurting your relationship yeah, almost just like a mediator, right.
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: His job isn't to say you're right or you're wrong, but almost help you start the discussions, have better discussions that's exactly what I meant.
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: Figure out you know, figure out what works best for your relationship, for your marriage, see if there's maybe things in the past that are.
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: You know I mean this way like a mediator can really help you find.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: This is why she's so hesitant to try this and and as in steps when he's like oh, I never knew that glad that we had this I'm discussion.
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry for pressuring you, right like yeah, I had no idea that this had happened to you or that you felt like this and now not even like the problem's fixed.
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: But now I can understand where you're coming from and we can move forward on this topic in a more loving way.
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's sometimes.
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: All we're going after is to be able to have these conversations in a more respectful way.
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: Right, yeah.
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: And a lot of times in the podcast, like we don't give you the answers, like our job is not to say this is right or this is wrong, and and here's a hard line Like our job is to get you talking and thinking and find out what is best for your marriage, because what is best for your marriage might be destructive for another marriage.
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: Right, like every marriage is different, like amy's and i's are going to look completely different than someone else's, we have to find what works in our marriage, based upon our background, our experiences, the way we were raised, our beliefs or just everything.
• 33:34
  Speaker 2: And so, um, we try to help give you the tools and the things that you can do to help you figure out how to make the best decisions for your relationship.
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: So I mean, it's as simple as that.
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: I mean, again, it's one of these subjects that's really hard, it's really hard, and there's so many, there's so many people and I again I'm repeating myself I mean, we're no different Like these.
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: This is an area, too, where Amy and I have to had to have these discussions and figure out what will make sense and what doesn't.
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: So and they need to kind of be continuous too.
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: This isn't something that just ends.
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: You're so right Like someone might feel, feel, you know, complacent in the marriage where like everything's just going smoothly, we do the same, you know five things, whatever, all the time.
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: And then 10 years later, five years later, you're like wait, I'm super bored, I need, I need something new, variety or something right.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: And that's kind of like where we're at is trying to give you like little little ways to try new things.
• 34:32
  Speaker 1: That's not like I don't ever want to feel like pushing someone out of like their comfort zone.
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: Do you know?
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: I begin, but give ideas in a really appropriate and good, wholesome way, because the marriage bedroom can be a lot of fun and it kind of needs to be when you've been married a long time, like you got to keep your marriage exciting inside and outside the bedroom.
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: Like that's important too yeah, we didn't really hit on like what.
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: I mean we talked about like what not to do, but like it's supposed to be fun too when you're both, when you're both willing to try certain things, and that can make marriage exciting and passionate yeah that's the goal.
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: Right is to keep it fun you're exactly right and we're so grateful for our sponsor.
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: Uh, this podcast episode, ultimate intimacy products.
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: I you never would have guessed right, but honestly, um, we have some incredible products to bring you closer to bring you closer together and help you enjoy sexual intimacy much more.
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: I mean emotionally, and they literally some of the products we have.
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: The vibrating ring is literally transforming people's especially the wives sexual intimacy literally, we get so many messages yeah, and it's used together.
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: There's no replacements involved.
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: It's used together.
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: It's only helping the women enjoy it longer and better, and then they're wanting it more right yeah, I mean it really has helped a lot of people's marriages.
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: So go check out our products at shopultimateintimacycom.
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: Email us if you have any questions.
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: Like we only sell things that we personally use and have tried and believe in, and so we can answer any questions you have.
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: Even if it's a little uncomfortable, we're happy to answer them for you.
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: We get plenty of message about products Like don't even hesitate, yeah, and it really is our, our.
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: You know we do our podcast for free.
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: Your support with our products really enables us to keep doing the podcast and doing everything that we love to do to help you.
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: You know, strengthen your relationship.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: And if you're new here and you haven't downloaded the app by some crazy chance, what are you waiting for?
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: It's free to download ultimate intimacycom or you can just go straight to the apple or amazon app stores.
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: You can also email us at any time if you're having any troubles downloading it or whatever.
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: We're here to help.
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: And the app has a great intimate conversation section where actually helps with these conversations for sure.
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: So we hope you enjoyed the podcast and until next time we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.