Latest / Therapy Thursday with Ellen K / My Fiancé Is Secretly Paying His Ex’s Rent

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My Fiancé Is Secretly Paying His Ex’s Rent · Therapy Thursday with Ellen K

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Well, my fiance told me that, you know, since I
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: found out, since the disclosure, he has disclosed to disclosed
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: to Vanessa that I know, okay, and that it has
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: it has caused, it has caused a disruption, if not
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: a rupture in our relationship, certainly in my trust in
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: the man and it.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: But he said that, he told Vanessa, I'm you know,
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: he's basically committed to continue supporting her for the like,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: for the rest of the year. Basically he kind of
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: gave her, He kind of gave her a deadline, but
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: was just like, I'm not going to leave you high
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: and dry, and I'm going to work. I'm going to
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: work it out.
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: Do you how important it is to him to make
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: this other woman happy? I?
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Well, wow, wouldn't you say it that way? He is
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: truly seeing another he is.
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: Question for the room, how many xes do you have
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: in your life? And I'm talking I don't mean like
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: a date here or there, I mean like a love
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: relationship that ended.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: What do you mean still in your life?
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: Well, I mean how many ex'es have you had in
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: your history?
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: Okay?
• 1:15
  Speaker 4: Total?
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: God?
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: Not many? Like four?
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: Okay, six, six? Okay, I'm going to count college, high school.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: See when two, I would say, I have two two two,
• 1:29
  Speaker 3: that's a good number. It's a good number. I know.
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: I think it's a good number that I would consider
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: an ex boyfriend.
• 1:36
  Speaker 5: Yeah, would you consider the Australian an ex? Because if
• 1:39
  Speaker 5: that's if you count her, then that's seven for me.
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: For you, Yes, she was serious because it was you
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: guys were like, yeah you guy. I would say, so, okay,
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: she met all your friends and everything. So so the
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: numbers I think are pretty low. I'm proud of you.
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: I feel like that's a lot of light baggage. I
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: could really reduce it to one. Because one of my
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: axes told me he's gay and he was born gay,
• 2:04
  Speaker 3: and so I didn't know this. We never consummated the relationship,
• 2:08
  Speaker 3: but we were really really close, and so when it happened,
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: i'd never like question. We were both going off to school,
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: even though it's the same school, you know, we were
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: still transitioning in life. So I thought okay, And then
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: he told me years later that he's gay. There air tasker, Wow,
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: thank you? Yeah?
• 2:32
  Speaker 4: What is that? I love the juice?
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: I can't This is so really nice. It looks like
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: carrot juice.
• 2:41
  Speaker 4: I didn't have this fully prepared, but here we go.
• 2:43
  Speaker 4: Air Tasker just walks in because.
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: I love it. This is so nice because we've been podcasting.
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: It's nice to take a little refresher. Is that carrot juice?
• 2:55
  Speaker 4: Yeah, carrot and ginger. Oh it looks so good, very good,
• 2:58
  Speaker 4: Thank you so much, thank you.
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: What else do you have in that coffee? Like a coffee?
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: I'll take whatever you got, all right? Oh, thank you, Sarah.
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: You want to coffee?
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: I would love one. Thank you so much.
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: I love the blue of the branding on air Taskers.
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: Those shirts are nice. It's also looky. He's he's a
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: nice package to wrap.
• 3:21
  Speaker 5: Oh my god, you know what wants to do? Yeah, no,
• 3:29
  Speaker 5: I don't think they offer that service, but they can
• 3:30
  Speaker 5: do anything else.
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: And Ryan, don't go there.
• 3:34
  Speaker 4: All right, this is very nice. It is very nice
• 3:36
  Speaker 4: of you. Thank you, and we love your.
• 3:40
  Speaker 5: Being part of our fam Macha. They just show up
• 3:43
  Speaker 5: and do nice things. Yeah, you know, they took down
• 3:45
  Speaker 5: so we had some panels with some logos from a
• 3:48
  Speaker 5: you know, previous sponsor. They were in here taking those down.
• 3:52
  Speaker 5: Did you were you part of the Mother's Day scenario?
• 3:57
  Speaker 5: We cooked up a whole thing. Air tasker came in
• 3:59
  Speaker 5: read a poem that her son.
• 4:00
  Speaker 4: Wrote to her. Oh my God, brought flowers like when
• 4:03
  Speaker 4: we say anything.
• 4:04
  Speaker 5: And I've never seen Ellen cry like that ever, and
• 4:07
  Speaker 5: I've seen her cry a lot.
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I was. It was such a beautiful surprise, and
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: it was a poem. It was flowers. And then they
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: had my son on the hotline and they the air
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: tasker read me the poem and then they gave me flowers.
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: And then there is Calvin and I've got the poem.
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: It's it's at home, beautiful. I see it every morning.
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: I put it in the kitchen so when I'm getting
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: my coffee, there it is. It was just the most
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: beautiful Mother's Day experience.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: That is so sweet.
• 4:38
  Speaker 3: Yeautiful.
• 4:38
  Speaker 5: Yeah, and I'm and now that I'm half deaf, I'm
• 4:40
  Speaker 5: I'm looking to call an ear tasker just to do
• 4:43
  Speaker 5: all the things I can't do. We're gonna have to
• 4:47
  Speaker 5: fake your T shirt it says they've been great.
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: Thank you. Yeah, well, thank you. And Ryan, I'm you know,
• 4:54
  Speaker 3: we got our fingers crossed your hearing.
• 4:56
  Speaker 4: We're gonna appreciate it. Can we go back to your
• 4:58
  Speaker 4: gay boyfriend for a second.
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, my gay boyfriend.
• 5:00
  Speaker 5: I'm curious because you obviously did not get anything done
• 5:03
  Speaker 5: with him, but did you do a little bit of stuff?
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: Oh, Brian, what really? We made out? But I mean, no,
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: he's gay.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: Were you were you surprised when he came out?
• 5:15
  Speaker 4: Yes?
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: I was. We were. Look, we were voted class couple.
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: I was a cheerleader. He was our quarterback. He was
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: also my best friend. Yeah, and we lived close to
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: each other, so I would literally go to his house.
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: I would jump the fence to get home.
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: This is the most all American story.
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: Indiana.
• 5:35
  Speaker 4: So Cornfield.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's so sweet, the whole thing.
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: And he and I'd known him, you know, all through
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: middle school and high school, but then we just kind of,
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: I don't know, we just kind of got attracted to
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: each other our senior year and then we went we
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: both went to the same college. We went to Purdue,
• 5:52
  Speaker 3: and then his fraternity was right across the street from me.
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: I mean, there's a lot of connectivity here. So for
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: him two years later after, you know, we stayed friends
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: always we still are. But for him, years later, when
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: I moved to la he took me out to dinner
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: and he said, Ellen, I just want to tell you,
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: I'm gay, okay, and I was born gay, I've always
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: been gay. I felt like I couldn't tell you because
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: our town was so small, and he didn't want to
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: be judged. And he said, I, of course, we love
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: each other as friends, and I would have told you.
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: And I've carried that with me and I'm so I
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: feel so free. I can tell you now. His whole
• 6:29
  Speaker 3: family knew. His brother and sister now live out here.
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: They work with him. He does holistic healing, and he's.
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: Just he was.
• 6:37
  Speaker 3: He was a landscape architect, and he's just such a
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: great guy.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: And how heartbreaking to not be able to your truth.
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: That's why I cried at the table. I was like, David,
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: I just I feel so bad that you couldn't tell me,
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: like we're as close as we are and were that
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: break that broke my heart.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: It tells you how much internalized homophobia he was carrying.
• 7:04
  Speaker 4: Yeah, for sure, And that's just it.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: It's horrific. It's such a sad story and I've heard
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: that story far too many times.
• 7:11
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: Oh, and it's also it's Pride month, so I mean,
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: that's another reason why we need to be true to
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: ourselves and tell those who love us and who we love,
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: what we're feeling. I mean, I was so it felt
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: so good, like we hugged it out at the end.
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: It felt so good, I said, David. I'm so happy
• 7:28
  Speaker 3: that you feel safe enough with me now and with
• 7:31
  Speaker 3: your life to be able to share this. And I'm
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: so happy your family is so supportive. Anyway, So we
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: were talking about x's and got off on that tangent.
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: But that's why Rachel is on hold right now because
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: she's got a real situation with her with her fiance's X. Hello.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: Hi, Hi, how are you. Hey?
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: We're good. You're on with sared Ash and also Ryan.
• 8:02
  Speaker 5: Me, but Sarah's the actual therapist. Direct all questions to her.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: Hey, Rachel, let's go Hi.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I have a situation that I recently found out
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: that my fiance has been secretly paying his ex girlfriend's
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: rent for almost a year. And we're not talking a
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: little financial help here and there. We're literally talking thousands
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: of dollars.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: Her name is yeah, her her name is Vanessa, And
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: according to my fiance, Vanessa recently fell on hard times
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: and you know, she lost her job and he just
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: didn't want to see her struggle but he sort of
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: that there's absolutely nothing physical happening between them and says
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: that he only kept us from me because I would misunderstand.
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: Okay, that's a big sequel.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: That's a nice secret because because you're talking about thousands
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: and thousands.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: Of dollars rent, there's been monthly payments of twenty four
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: hundred dollars leaving our joint account for almost a year.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: Okay, so you're talking almost thirty thousand dollars of shared
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: resources being allocated to his ex.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: That's correct. Yeah, And what are the most like, even
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: more so than you know, not being told this and
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: like you said, joint recent resources being allocated to another woman.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: But we're supposedly saving for our wedding that's in a
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: matter of months. So you know, I just I don't
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: know what to do. I mean, I confronted him about it.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: He got emotional. He said, Vanessa has nobody else. And
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: you know, he told me that helping her actually shows
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: his character. And I mean, I shouldn't character also include honesty?
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: I mean, certainly a marriage should it.
• 9:59
  Speaker 2: In our in our marriages, our relationships, we don't want
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: we don't just want honesty, we want transparency, exactly.
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: Look, we know a pop star who found out her
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: husband was cheating with the nanny. Wow, And you know,
• 10:15
  Speaker 3: it's like, can you just can can we just live
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: honestly here?
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: Because this is a financial infidelity. I mean, infidelity isn't
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: just sexual or emotional. We talk about emotional affairs a
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: lot on the show, but financial infidelity is a very
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: real thing and it's a deeply painful betrayal. So, Ryan,
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: what do you think when you hear this specifically about
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: the part of misunderstanding.
• 10:42
  Speaker 4: I think that's oil boy.
• 10:45
  Speaker 5: I think there's a lot going on here. My first
• 10:47
  Speaker 5: thought there's some gaslighting. Okay, but then I think do
• 10:55
  Speaker 5: you have bad reactions? And maybe that's not easy for
• 10:58
  Speaker 5: you to answer, And I'm not I'm not. Look everything
• 11:01
  Speaker 5: about this. Hold on, and I know, Ellen, you're gonna
• 11:03
  Speaker 5: jump on me for this.
• 11:04
  Speaker 4: Listen, Listen.
• 11:05
  Speaker 5: Is he trained to keep various things from you because
• 11:09
  Speaker 5: of the way that you have reacted to various other
• 11:12
  Speaker 5: things in the past. I'm not justifying what he's hiding
• 11:15
  Speaker 5: or doing at all. Right, that's valid, I'm saying sometimes
• 11:19
  Speaker 5: if we have history with someone who has proven themselves
• 11:21
  Speaker 5: to not react rationally, Ellen, I dated one I lived with,
• 11:25
  Speaker 5: I witnessed it.
• 11:26
  Speaker 4: And so guess what, it's just easier to shut up.
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: Yeah that's right. Do you feel that way, Rachel with
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: what's his name?
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: Wow, that is quite a question. I mean i'd like
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: to I feel I like to think of myself as
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: a pragmatist, But if I'm being totally honest, I would
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: say that I do react emotionally and then like the
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: second second wave as a more practical for pragmatic approach
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: to the thing.
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: And I don't think it matters, Okay. I think when
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: you're in a relationship, we owe our partners the respect
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: of a difficult conversation.
• 12:05
  Speaker 4: Yeah, yes, you're right on that.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's right.
• 12:08
  Speaker 5: Can I can I go back to the guests the
• 12:09
  Speaker 5: part that I noticed when this is what I hated
• 12:13
  Speaker 5: the most. Well, no, I don't like anything about it,
• 12:15
  Speaker 5: but when he goes helping her shows my character. Oh
• 12:19
  Speaker 5: that is like you're supposed to just get on your
• 12:21
  Speaker 5: knees and go what a saint you martyr?
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, Well, this is a guy, I think who he
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: wants to have his way. He just wants to have
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: his cake and eat it too, and he wants if
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: it's his money. It's none of your business, Rachel, Like,
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: I feel like that's how he's thinking, and that is
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: not the way to start a marriage.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: And that's concerning if you know, going into the marriage,
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: it's my money. I can do with it what I choose,
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: especially when you're supposed to be saving for the wedding,
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: right and.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: It's coming out of our joint account. You know, it
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: would be maybe maybe it would be another thing if
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: it was coming out of his account, you know, like
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: maybe still I wouldn't have known it, right, he's still
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: it is actually coming out of our he is, And
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: I mean and just.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: Like with like as Ryan said, it bothers me that
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: he's using moral superiorities as the excuse for.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: The deception, right for like lying by omission.
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: How long have you guys been together?
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: I mean we've been together two and a half years.
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: Any other any other Vanessa incidents with this X No?
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: And you know I knew about Vanessa. We were really
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: transparent about, you know, the serious relationships that we had
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: had leading up to us, you know, deciding to get engaged.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: So but I you know, I thought she was in
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: the past. I I just I don't know why she
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: feels comfortable calling him when she needs money and I
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: I don't. I mean, there's just so many questions. Yeah,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: and yeah, the one that I'm dealing with the hardest
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: is not only does it feel like a betrayal already,
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: but I'm months before my wedding, four months exactly, and
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: I feel like a third person in my own relationship.
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: Okay, well, you're.
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: Being shamed for having a very normal reaction.
• 14:22
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's true.
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: And a question for you, Sarah, And I have a
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: question for you, Sarah. Is Vanessa taking the money? I mean,
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: she's just as guilty as the guy. Yeah, I mean
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: he's giving it, she's accepting it, like she knows he's
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: getting married.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean I'm curious as to what their relationship is.
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: I'm not saying he's still having an affair with her
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: or something like that, but that she would have the
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: expectation that this was a reasonable ask. I think that's
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: that's certainly curious, and I'm you know, I also want
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: to know how your fiance views himself. I mean, I
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: hear that he kind of likes being a savior, but
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: what does that mean to him as part of his identity?
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: You don't you just think the savior is too strong
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: of a world.
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: No, No, I love.
• 15:15
  Speaker 4: That's a good word.
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: I like my savior.
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, he's got the he's got the savior conflict. Okay,
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: I'm a hero. That's where I get my self esteem.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: Oh, I mean is it Do we think that's going
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: to go elsewhere? Do we think that it exists elsewhere?
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'm another part of me wonders if I'm
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: being cold hearted for wanting him to cut her off completely.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: I don't see it that way.
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: Minkle there.
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: Why do women we do this to ourselves as women
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: and Rachel, I'm not. I mean, we all do it.
• 15:44
  Speaker 3: Maybe it's my fault, you know what I mean? Why
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: do we say that to ourselves.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: Because it's a way of staying in the relationship.
• 15:51
  Speaker 5: Okay, but why would you want to stay in this relationship?
• 15:53
  Speaker 5: I'm going to ask both of you right now, Ellen, Sarah,
• 15:56
  Speaker 5: yes or no? You find this out four months before
• 15:58
  Speaker 5: your wedding? Are you going through at the wedding?
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: Ellen, It's it's over.
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: It's over.
• 16:10
  Speaker 5: I'm going to okay, you're gone or at least or
• 16:12
  Speaker 5: at least we're gonna put a pin on this, and
• 16:14
  Speaker 5: or no, you're out.
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: I love it. I love it when you get me
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: to be not a therapist.
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: Okay, I'm going to follow you out the door, sir.
• 16:22
  Speaker 4: I'm gone.
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: I'm gone. I feel like I could never trust. I
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: could never trust.
• 16:27
  Speaker 4: It's a big, big and.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: This is somebody who's completely comfortable hiding things under the
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: guise of you know, you would misunderstand. It doesn't take
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: a lot to push this person into deception. Does that
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: make sense?
• 16:40
  Speaker 4: It does make sense.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: It's like I'm willing to lie because you might misunderstand me.
• 16:46
  Speaker 4: No, that's a small ledge.
• 16:47
  Speaker 5: There's not even a diag's I'm trying to say.
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: And Rachel, this is a gift.
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: Okay, And I want you to think about it like this.
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: You wreak up with him.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: He's going to pay your rent for a year, so
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: you're situation. You work this out, you get me, you're
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: kidding him.
• 17:12
  Speaker 5: You leave their expenses are I'm going to ask you
• 17:16
  Speaker 5: a question, and again, you guys got to hold on
• 17:19
  Speaker 5: because I know Ellen and Sara are gonna go.
• 17:20
  Speaker 4: It's not the same.
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: I promise we won't react, okay, And.
• 17:24
  Speaker 5: I want you to be one hundred percent honest, Rachel,
• 17:27
  Speaker 5: since you've met him. Have you had any contact with
• 17:32
  Speaker 5: any X in your past? You just reacted, Ellen, Rachel,
• 17:37
  Speaker 5: I'm asking have you tested or heard from, or DMed with,
• 17:42
  Speaker 5: or texted or seen anyone from your past? Yes? Or no?
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: I I yes, but well no, I shouldn't qualify it.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: But I will say it was a d M congratulating
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: me on the public announcement on social media of our
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: engagement there from the neck they said the congratulations, I said,
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: thank you, I've had yeah.
• 18:07
  Speaker 4: Good.
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: How How does that even have anything to do with
• 18:09
  Speaker 3: him paying this girl's rent behind her?
• 18:12
  Speaker 5: But I just want to know, because there's always something
• 18:15
  Speaker 5: under the surface. So what's Rachel's I feel like Rachel's
• 18:18
  Speaker 5: got something?
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: Rachel?
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: Is there anything that could be your fault in this secret?
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: Other than I wasn't you know, didn't Santendos down enough
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: to freeze our joint account until I figured out what
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: was happening. I you know, Other than that.
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: I.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: Don't. I wish I was a little bit more. I
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: don't know, I direct in my accent.
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: But you can decide. You can decide how you want
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: to be going forward. How you've handled this in the
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: past is really irrelevant. This is your choice how you
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: want to go forward.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well that's well, why why I'm here Because I
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: honestly don't know what to do?
• 19:02
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't know why.
• 19:04
  Speaker 5: I always somehow end up asking this question everyone, how
• 19:08
  Speaker 5: is uh? How has the sex been since you found
• 19:10
  Speaker 5: out about the money?
• 19:12
  Speaker 4: Get anything done?
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: It's been less frequent, Okay, because you're busy, or because
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: the attraction is not there because you found out he
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: was lying to here.
• 19:25
  Speaker 4: You got the ick?
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I got the ick. I mean I've just a
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: little a little shut down in that department. But it
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: doesn't mean that it hasn't happened and that it hasn't
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: been you know, good consensual. But it's just a little
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: It almost feels like we're starting back from zero, you know,
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: like warming up. I'm like warming up to each other.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: But now, like with this weird elephant in the room
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: of Vanessa is still getting twenty four hundred dollars a
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: month out of our joys.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: I mean, she's she's still getting it even after he
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: was confronted.
• 20:00
  Speaker 3: Okay, mm hmmm.
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: She invited to the wedding.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: Jesus, she is not invited to the wedding. Now, I mean,
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: have you talked to her.
• 20:10
  Speaker 4: By the way, have you reached out? Does she like
• 20:12
  Speaker 4: what does she know that you know?
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, my fiance told me that, you know, since
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: I found out, since the disclosure, he has disclosedive disclosed
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: to Vanessa that I know, okay, and that it has
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: it has caused it has caused a disruption, if not
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: a rupture in our relationship, certainly in my trust in
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: the man and it, you know. But he said that,
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: he told Vanessa, I'm you know, he's basically committed to
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: continue supporting her for the like, for the rest of
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: the year. He kind of gave her, He kind of
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: gave her a deadline, but was just like, I'm not
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: going to leave you high and dry, and I'm gonna work.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna work it out.
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: Do you important it is to him to make this
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: other woman happy?
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: I well, wow, when you say it that way, he
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: is taking another he is He's But it's funny that
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: you said happy, like make this other woman happy, because
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: I really just saw solvent, you know, like to make
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: this other woman whole in terms of like she's not
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: going to lose her place, you know, where she lives.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: But as opposed to happy, you know, I do know
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: for a fact that it is going directly to like
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: her payment, you know, it's going to rent. Yeah, it's
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: going directly to you know, almost like a a what
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: I can't bill pay. You know, it's going to a
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: singular place that's not going it's not just like free
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: funds going into her hands so that she so, I mean,
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: I guess I've just been qualifying this the whole time,
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: because it wasn't until you said that he was prioritizing
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: another woman's happiness that I've heard of and thought about
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: it that way, because I've literally been thinking about it
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: as he's supporting another person's survival, essentially, someone who meant
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: a lot to him, and if he can, he's still
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: you know. You know That's why I feel like maybe
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: I'm being cooltearted for wanting him to cut her off completely,
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: because what if I were what if the tables are turned,
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: you know, and I was that person that had no
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: one else to rely on and I had to reach
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: out to an X.
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: That's a thing too, because the tables would never be turned,
• 22:29
  Speaker 3: because you would never do that. You would never hide
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: twenty four hundred dollars a month, a month for a
• 22:34
  Speaker 3: guy an X.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: Right, Well, I was thinking about it if I was Vanessa
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: as opposed to if I were my fiance.
• 22:41
  Speaker 4: So what are you going to do? Rachel? I know
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: this is a lot. What do you do?
• 22:46
  Speaker 5: Like, what's where are you at? Because you got four months?
• 22:48
  Speaker 5: I mean, this isn't something you can kick down the road.
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: I while I've been researching, how many of the vendors
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: and stuff like that that we have in place will
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: without penalty.
• 23:02
  Speaker 5: Yeah there's so much irony and losing money because of
• 23:06
  Speaker 5: this guy pouring out your other money.
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, yeah, dang it. Yeah, well.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I I'm sorry. I just strangely thought of like
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: a Shakespeare quote. But anyway, which one like when they
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: uh uh it's when they pour our treasures into foreign laps?
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: You know, it's from that uh when it's from Ofello,
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: it's from it's Amelia talking about But I do think
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: it is their husband's faults of wives, you fall. And
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: one of the things is like say they pour our
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: treasures into foreign laps, you know, like because you know,
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: it's like, oh my god.
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: That's it.
• 23:47
  Speaker 4: Okay, so you're checking with vendors. But and thus so I.
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: Think, I mean, the best I mean, I'm I'm I'm
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: really lad on that at least postponing the wedding. But
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: I mean I think that, I think I think it
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: needs to be on like a definite postponement until we
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: figure out if we are, you know, compatible in terms
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: of you know, you've got a lot.
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: Of questions that you want to have answered before you
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: walk down the.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: Aisle, that's correct, and you I don't know how to
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: approach them.
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: You sound so intelligent. You mean, you're quoting Shakespeare, You've
• 24:32
  Speaker 3: used some really beautiful words today, and so I'm wondering
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: from you, Sarah, how many intelligent people come to you
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: that have all this intelligence, but then when it comes
• 24:43
  Speaker 3: to their heart, it's out the window.
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: I think how we feel often has nothing to do
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: with our intelligence. I mean, nobody would have, you know,
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: bad relationships if only less intelligent people got into difficult situations. Yeah,
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: this has nothing to do with intelli. This has to
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: do with vulnerability. This has to do with attachment. This
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: has to do with not walking away from an impending nuptial.
• 25:11
  Speaker 5: And try not to feel crazy, you know, try your
• 25:14
  Speaker 5: best when your head hits the pillow at night, to
• 25:16
  Speaker 5: not beat yourself up over your role in this.
• 25:18
  Speaker 4: You did not do this, That's right.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: I didn't, and then I feel really responsible for getting
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: myself out of it.
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: Look, I want to say something. It's really important. I
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: think that you take this in is having boundaries does
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: not justify somebody else deceiving you. Because that's what I'm hearing.
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: He's like, you have boundaries, this would bother you. Therefore
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: I'm entitled to lie to you about this.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's why. I mean, that's something to think about.
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: You know. I feel like if I ask him tomorrow,
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: if he to put all of the resources back into
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: our joint account and he can go ahead and pull
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: it out of his independent you know, his one, it's
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: only going to make the financial aspect you know currently okay.
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: But it doesn't fix what you just talked about. That
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: he's showing a level of entitlement while I'm showing a
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: lack of boundaries because I didn't know I needed to
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: have them. I thought they were there, I thought they
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: were assumed. Yeah, yeah, and you know I don't. I'm
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: wondering which boundaries I need to reinforce and which other
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: boundaries might be not in place that we might not
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: even have. I might not even have healthy enough boundaries
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: to enter marriage, especially not with someone who is so
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: likely to just go ahead and you know, you give
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: them an inch and they take a yard.
• 26:46
  Speaker 3: Well, so sorry, Rachel. But you know what, I'm happy
• 26:49
  Speaker 3: that we have you here with Sarah Well and us
• 26:53
  Speaker 3: here on the podcast because at least you are talking
• 26:57
  Speaker 3: about it and addressing it.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's and I appreciate it so much because I,
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: you know, there's I don't know who else to reach
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: out to in my life, you know, because everyone has
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: their own kind of skin in the game, whether they're
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: my family, my friends, his family, his friends. I have
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: a therapist. We haven't gone to a therapist together, but
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: I you know, we I need I don't know. I
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: don't know if I need a preacher, a therapist, a
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: financial advisor. I don't know which.
• 27:32
  Speaker 4: And then, you know what, no one else.
• 27:34
  Speaker 5: You need a girl's night and then you need to
• 27:36
  Speaker 5: go just find some guy, just let it rip.
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: I've never been that kind of person.
• 27:45
  Speaker 4: Forget.
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: Let's show you how.
• 27:51
  Speaker 5: I've tried.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: You know, I've tried, and the closest I've ever gotten
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: was like letting myself be taken out on a date
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: by you know, three, you know, actually be properly courted,
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: not commit to any you know, have a date, a dinner,
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: you know, with three different people within the span of
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: a week and not or two weeks or whatever.
• 28:07
  Speaker 4: You don't do that.
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: It was so hard for me. It was so hard
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: for me. Maybe I'm what do you call a serial
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: monogamous or something like that. Maybe I'm not afraid of
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: being alone, but I am two and a half years
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: into this and four months away from nuptials, you know,
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: and this is just like a huge just anvil dropped
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: on what I thought was the shared the shared truth
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: of it, you.
• 28:32
  Speaker 3: Know, yeah, all, Rachel, I mean, I just don't want
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: to hang up. Yeah, I hate I hate to Like, yeah,
• 28:43
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: So maybe if I could just get some pointers on,
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: like even just like a framework of like what questions
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: I need to be asking myself and what questions I
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: need to be asking him right now today?
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: What do you okay, what do you feel like that
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: you do not know? What questions do you have? Because
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: I hear you've got a lot of answers.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, oh, I mean my question is I mean, the
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: one that I really want is what makes him? You know,
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: what makes him what makes her feel that she could
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: reach out to him and expect this kind of support
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: from him, knowing that he's an engaged man.
• 29:25
  Speaker 5: I feel like that's a waste of time that to me,
• 29:27
  Speaker 5: you're chasing You're chasing a dragon on that one. Because
• 29:29
  Speaker 5: it doesn't matter. This is about you and him. Forget
• 29:31
  Speaker 5: what she's what her bullshit.
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: Is, Yeah, Ryan's because that's not even a question for her.
• 29:35
  Speaker 4: For him, he's a question for her. Yeah, And what's
• 29:38
  Speaker 4: the difference about her? It doesn't matter, she doesn't.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: What makes him, but what makes his interaction with her
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: make her feel comfortable that she could do this?
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: Okay, now that question about that question for him? The
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: question for him is what makes his interaction with her
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: more important than his life with you?
• 29:56
  Speaker 4: Boom?
• 29:58
  Speaker 5: That's it.
• 29:58
  Speaker 4: Don't forget what Sarah said early.
• 30:01
  Speaker 5: The main thing that it was beautiful what you said,
• 30:03
  Speaker 5: Sarah about he is prioritizing another woman's happiness over yours.
• 30:07
  Speaker 5: Any question should come after that statement is said over
• 30:10
  Speaker 5: and over and over and over.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, Okay, So what makes.
• 30:16
  Speaker 3: Him prioritize woman's happiness over yours?
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: That's okay, all right, that's a that's a great that's
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: a really great piece of advice. And yes, that is
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: the question I need to ask and get some real,
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: real answers for so thank you, thank you, Rachel.
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: You're welcome. Rachel, thank you so much.
• 30:38
  Speaker 3: Talk to you later. I don't I know that's good
• 30:41
  Speaker 3: to follow up, follow up. I mean that's just so.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: It's disappointing, is what it is.
• 30:48
  Speaker 3: Yes, weird things happen. Do you remember the story I
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: told you Ryan about this guy who lived in Miami
• 31:00
  Speaker 3: and had an entire family in New Jersey. There was
• 31:03
  Speaker 3: a guy living in Miami. He had two kids and
• 31:05
  Speaker 3: a wife. He had another family in New Jersey. He
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: was a you know, a big owner of things. He
• 31:13
  Speaker 3: had a lot of money, he had a private jet,
• 31:15
  Speaker 3: he had another family.
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: And he was afraid that the first wife would misunderstand
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: if he told her about the second one. What's the reason, Well.
• 31:24
  Speaker 3: Everything blew up in his space. And I think maybe
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: that's how some people live carelessly.
• 31:30
  Speaker 4: What would draw a man to do?
• 31:35
  Speaker 5: Okay, like, let's go, let's put ourselves in the position
• 31:37
  Speaker 5: of this fiance who's about.
• 31:39
  Speaker 4: To get married.
• 31:39
  Speaker 5: Yeah, Like, what is the Sarah, what you have found? Like,
• 31:43
  Speaker 5: what's the thing that makes people act this way. Is
• 31:47
  Speaker 5: there one thing or is it just like.
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: Well for this fiance, I mean we were, you know,
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: saying before it could be like a savior savior complex.
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: This is what gives him his sense of worth. His
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: is to be this perpetual rescuer. And it's exhausting. It's
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: exhausting for him, it's exhausting for the other people in
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: his life because he's unable to prioritize the present in
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: order to keep this image of himself alive. That's what
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: I think is going on here.
• 32:16
  Speaker 3: Whenever I hear Sarah's terms, I think of songs like
• 32:18
  Speaker 3: your own personal Jesus.
• 32:20
  Speaker 4: Yes, your own glad right.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's and I feel really bad for her, especially
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: when I hear her saying things like am I being cold?
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: And then I didn't touch on this with her, but
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: she even started to loop into I was sensing that
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: this is her fault for not having certain boundaries. That's ridiculous.
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: It's like she so wants to blame herself for that.
• 32:43
  Speaker 3: And that comes from her own maybe childhood or I
• 32:47
  Speaker 3: think it shows this relationship.
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: I think it can. I think it also can come
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: from the belief and I think this is so devastating
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: that if it is our fault, then we can control it.
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: We can keep it from happening again, we can fix it.
• 33:01
  Speaker 5: I also think when what you just said jumped out
• 33:03
  Speaker 5: at me, like the guy who's willing to do this
• 33:06
  Speaker 5: and be this person if he's exploiting the weaknesses, he
• 33:10
  Speaker 5: knows the weaknesses and he knows how to exploit them,
• 33:13
  Speaker 5: and he sees it. He knows that she's going to
• 33:15
  Speaker 5: get in her head and go, what did I do
• 33:16
  Speaker 5: to This is my fault? So then becomes just so
• 33:19
  Speaker 5: much easier for him to just steamroll the situation.
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: Because he's basically saying it's your fault that if you
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: were reasonable, this wouldn't have happened.
• 33:26
  Speaker 4: That's right, ridiculous, it's wild. I do love that she
• 33:30
  Speaker 4: quoted Shakespeare though. That was so cool. It's really good.
• 33:35
  Speaker 4: That was good and brought us coffee, yes, which ties.
• 33:39
  Speaker 5: This all together. So I can I share my one
• 33:42
  Speaker 5: of my favorite shapes? Yes, yes, yes, it's from Macbeth.
• 33:46
  Speaker 5: That shall pay visage to air Tasker dot com. Tony
• 33:50
  Speaker 5: blue shirted Hero shall bestow upon you the gift of
• 33:54
  Speaker 5: deep dude.