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S2E2 - Reflecting Feelings: The First Building Block to Better Parenting · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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You're listening to the
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Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
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you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
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and your relationship with your kids.
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In today's episode, we are diving into the first pillar
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of child-centered play therapy. So we're going back to the basics
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hitting curriculum from ground zero all the way up.
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Everything we talk through
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will serve as a foundation and then future content will
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build upon what we learn in the earlier episodes.
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So thanks for being a part of it.
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Thanks for growing your knowledge of effective parenting
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with me as we travel this journey together.
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So
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we're gonna start with the first pillar today, which is reflecting feelings.
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And let's circle back to last week
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when we recognize that kids are not rational
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and they are not capable of thinking through things with their brain,
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they feel things with their heart.
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If we recognize that and we talked about,
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we have to meet them in their world, not expect them to come to ours, right?
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So, keeping all of those considerations in mind,
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it becomes really important that we reflect their feelings
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because they are emotional beings.
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So the best way to connect with them, the best way to help them feel understood
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and validated and heard
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is we acknowledge the emotion
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that they are experiencing in any given moment
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because
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we can't acknowledge what they're thinking about
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because they're not thinking so
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we can expect them to understand
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a thought, but we absolutely can help them make sense of their feeling.
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And we will talk through how that builds an emotional vocabulary.
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We will talk through the process of reflecting feelings and how
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we communicate that feelings are always valid through the process.
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The path to calm, confident and in control parenting starts now.
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All right. So recognizing we have to meet a child in their emotions
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and let's discuss that a little bit further.
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We know that kids are an emotional roller coaster most often, right?
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So they can go from happy to angry to surprised to sad
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to
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vengeful in
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18 seconds it seems like
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and it's hard to keep up with
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all of that upheaval emotionally.
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But this is what happens when you don't have rational thought.
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This is what happens when the brain
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does not have the ability to say,
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hang on,
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you're mad, but
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hang on
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that hurt your feelings. But
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right, that is abstract reasoning.
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So without that ability,
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they are at the mercy of whatever emotion they
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happen to be feeling at any given moment.
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So to build an emotional vocabulary for them is crucial
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and let's be frank for a second.
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Not that I'm ever un-frank, but let's be frank using the cliche.
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We have to keep in mind
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that kids
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don't have an emotional vocabulary,
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but many adults have never developed one.
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All right. How many adults do you know
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that?
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Punch their fist through a door or a drywall piece when they're mad.
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How many adults do you know, giggle when they're nervous.
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How many adults do you know? that
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might understand what they're feeling but they stuff it, they don't
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deal with it
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or
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they express an emotion but it's not actually the one that they're
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feeling because they really have no clue what they're actually feeling.
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And I have more examples. That was just a handful, right?
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So emotional vocabulary is developed,
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it is built,
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it is a learned acquisition,
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recognizing that
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the more that we use the reflecting feelings pillar with our children,
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the better their emotional vocabulary becomes.
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So when we understand the value of telling a child,
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the emotion that they are expressing
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and having that as a dialogue point,
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it becomes
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a way for them
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to do two things that are required in emotional vocabulary.
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They have to be able to accurately identify their feeling first
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and then they have to effectively communicate their feeling next.
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They
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both have their own skill set
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and there are lots of people that do one and not the other.
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Unfortunately, there's lots of people that do neither. But
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for those that can do one often, they can't do the other.
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So, an emotional vocabulary is crucial
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for children
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so that they understand themselves,
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they can then communicate their needs because your needs can never be met
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unless you understand your feelings and you express them.
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So when we reflect feelings to a child, it's a very simple process.
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We start with the word you,
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we share with them the emotion
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that we think they're feeling
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and we follow it up with a qualifier. If it makes sense to do so,
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it's just as effective to just say you and the emotion and stop there as well.
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But sometimes a qualifier is helpful.
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Here are some pitfalls.
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The first is many parents
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will say
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I can tell that you,
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it seems that you,
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I know that you,
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I can imagine that you et
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cetera, et cetera
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as a preface or an intro to reflecting feelings,
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start with the word you,
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you are
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excited,
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you are frustrated.
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We don't have to preface it with anything
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because if we start with you,
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the child receives that it's very clearly us connecting with them.
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It's a very important distinction when a sentence starts with you
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that your focus is that person
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for good or for bad, right? It can be an accusation.
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You always whatever,
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by the way,
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you probably know this by now. But
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unless
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it's intentional and absolutes, usually a lie.
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So
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saying you always, you never,
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those are almost always untruths.
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So just be careful and guard against using
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absolutes unless you are intentional about them.
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So if you truly mean that
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you always should do something
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that would be an appropriate time to use an absolute. But I'm back on track now. Ok.
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So
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when we say you something,
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it's very clear where the focus of our attention is.
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But if we preface it with anything else, it dilutes the power of the feeling,
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reflection.
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So you are
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whatever the emotion is,
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we get the cue of what the child is feeling
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from their eyes,
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look into your child's eyes
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and determine what the feeling is.
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Next week. We're going to talk about expanding your emotional vocabulary
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because many of us get stuck in happy, sad, mad and scared.
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So if you are one of those, I only can think of four emotions at any given time.
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Hang on till next week, I'll, I'll help you out with that.
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But you want to make sure that you are
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identifying what the child is feeling through their eyes
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and then you say it back to them,
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you're annoyed,
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you're angry,
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you're proud,
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you're glad.
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And what this does is
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it helps the child understand
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when I feel this way inside. I now have a word for it.
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Let me let that sink in. For a second.
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Kids experience emotions in their bodies.
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We call that somatic.
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So when a child is feeling an emotion, which they feel emotions all the time,
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there's a body sensation that goes with it.
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They don't understand what that body sensation means. Most of the time,
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they don't have a word for it. They don't know how to articulate it to anyone
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but they feel it.
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So when we say you are emotion,
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now, all of a sudden there's a connecting point.
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Oh OK. When I feel this way inside
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now I know what the word is.
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So there's the accurate identification of the feeling. Then in the future,
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when they're feeling that same thing
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and they know the word,
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then they effectively communicate to someone.
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I'm really proud
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that I got an A I'm really excited. I get to go to grandma's house.
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I'm frustrated that he took the toy from me.
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It's hugely beneficial to a child to develop an emotional vocabulary,
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but it comes from you using
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the reflection of feeling pillar
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to help them
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get to that point.
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OK.
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So that is really important.
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We also have to keep in mind that as we are reflecting feelings,
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the goal is to not be concerned that we might get it wrong
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if we look into the child's eyes and we give it our best shot.
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A child will always correct you
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if you are off track.
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So if you say,
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wow, you're really excited about that.
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No, I'm happy.
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OK.
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And so then once a child tells you how they're feeling, you reflect that back to them.
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Oh, you're not excited, you're happy.
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So you just followed up with another feeling, reflection.
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But what it's doing is it's helping the child
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not only understand his or her emotions effectively,
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but it's also helping make sure that what the
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child is expressing outwardly matches what they're feeling inwardly
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because sometimes a child will present very angry.
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And as soon as you say, you're mad, they go, no, I'm not. I'm,
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and then they tell you a completely different emotion. Well,
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it's not necessarily that you were on the wrong track.
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It's that the child has no sense of
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what they're putting out into the world emotionally.
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If your presentation is anger
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and you're not actually angry,
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you need to be aware of that and correct that.
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So that's also a very powerful tool for kids.
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Sometimes they have to have congruence between what
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they're internally feeling and what they're externally expressing.
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All right. And then last thought is
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feelings are always valid.
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So even when a child is experiencing
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huge emotions and therefore huge behavior,
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we can always, always absolute on purpose. See, there we go,
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we can always reflect a child's feeling
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because their feelings are always valid.
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Sometimes behavior is unacceptable.
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And that's when we get into limit setting, but that's the next pillar.
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So you're gonna have to wait a little while,
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but
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we always validate the feeling and reflect it back to them
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because it immediately diffuses the intensity of the emotion for the child.
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They feel heard, they feel understood
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they feel accepted
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and
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then it helps them better communicate and express in the future.
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So, feelings are always valid, even negative ones.
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That is a huge piece of this because we tend to reflect happy feelings.
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And then we tend to set limits on negative feelings.
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But every emotion is valid
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on both sides of the emotional spectrum.
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Whether it's a
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happy one or a sad one,
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it doesn't matter,
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it is still valid, It is still part of the human emotional repertoire.
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And when we allow for all feelings to matter
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and all feelings to be acceptable,
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an emotion. Ha sorry, a child has a much better emotional compass
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because they've never been made to feel that they can't feel certain things
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this whole notion of that's not something to cry about.
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Don't you dare get upset about that?
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That is not something that should make you cry. I'll give you something to cry about.
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Boys don't cry.
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You need to be tough,
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wipe those tears off your face, all of that
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and don't feel guilty if you're one of those parents that says that ok,
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we parent the way we were parented and my guess is
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that people said that to you when you were a kid.
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But here's how we break the cycle.
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What we say is
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you're really upset that that happened.
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And what that does is it gives kids permission
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to feel the whole scope of human emotions
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and they develop an emotional vocabulary they develop an emotional IQ
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they allow themselves to be emotionally vulnerable.
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They don't stuff their emotions, they don't hide them, they don't hide from them.
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This is healthy
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to
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deeply feel, deeply know
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and appropriately express your feelings.
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And this is why the reflecting feelings, skill is so important.
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So, first pillar
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of the child-centered approach, I hope that you find that helpful.
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Here's your challenge. This week,
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at
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least every day, this week,
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spend a second looking at your child's eyes
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and reflect a feeling back to them
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at
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least once a day.
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If you wanna be an overachiever go multiple rounds in one day. But
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that's an easy goal. One emotional reflection per day for a week.
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See what happens, see how your child receives it. Here's my disclaimer.
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Your kids are not used to this
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and certain kids are not going to like
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this new approach that you're going to use.
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So please do not get defeated and please do not get disheartened.
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And if your kid goes, stop telling me how I feel.
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Don't let that get in the way
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of your use of a skill that needs to be used.
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So you reflect that they don't like it.
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See the beauty of this, you reflect a child's feeling,
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he gets mad and tells you to stop and says that it's stupid that
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you keep telling him how he feels and then you reflect that he's mad.
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There is a never ending opportunity to reflect feelings to our kids.
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So if it doesn't go the way you hope and your child doesn't just receive it with a smile
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or with a nod or with understanding,
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don't let that stop. You
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just be gentle, be patient, be kind
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and continue to reflect the feeling and you might even say
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you don't like it that I'm noticing, but that's how I thought you were feeling.
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That's the why
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kids will often tolerate a lot if they know the why
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and if it's something as simple as I thought that's how you felt,
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they really can't argue with that.
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They may not like it, but they can't argue with it. So don't let that deter you keep
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reflecting feelings. It's important,
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but at least once a day, that's my challenge for you. So
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I would love to hear from you if you would like to reach out to me,
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brenna@thekidcounselor.com,
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you can send me a question that I can answer on air or you can just post
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to me a scenario or something that's going on and I'm happy to give you some feedback.
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Also,
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if you would like to sign up for my newsletter,
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you can go to www.playtherapyparenting.com
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and you can get on the email newsletter list and then you'll be kept aware of
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everything that I'm putting out in the way of helpful content to you as parents.
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So
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I'm very grateful for you.
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I'm hoping that this encourages you to pay attention to your kids emotions.
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This week. I think you will see that it serves you and your family really well.
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So take care, talk again soon. Bye.
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Thank you for listening
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to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
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for more episodes and to subscribe to our newsletter.
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Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.