Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Emotional Man | Lucas O'Neil 🚨New Podcast Titled: Meditation podcast | Relax Zone

Transcript

Emotional Man | Lucas O'Neil 🚨New Podcast Titled: Meditation podcast | Relax Zone · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: This is my face.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: All the time.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I bring it up because the way I look has always been so important to my self-esteem.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like my mother's a beautiful woman, and she talks to me like I am, also.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: She was getting ready for a family event a few years ago, and she turns to me, she's like, Lucas, you're only beautiful once.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: So enjoy it.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's like my mom didn't know how to raise a son, so she was like, I'll raise a trophy wife.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: And here I am.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: People love to tell me what I look like a lot because of the mirror shortage.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes it's fun.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was walking in Manhattan and a man saw me and he just shouted, Not another Spider-Man! I was like, No promises, you know, they're gonna run out of people.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it isn't always clear that it's a compliment, though.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like a friend of mine told me, I look like the lead character in the Netflix show, you fraught, isn't it?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's a show about a stalker who becomes a murderer, so another successful American small business.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: At first, I thought it was a compliment.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh, cool, I look like the hot guy from Gossip Girl.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: And my friend was like, no.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you don't look like him.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's not how he looks, it's how he acts.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like his style of stalking.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: I was really upset, right?
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: So I followed my friend home.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I haven't heard from him since.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: The comment I get most about my appearance though is people would be like, you know what?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: You look like you could be from like right out of the 50s.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, yeah.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm a person.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: And there were people in the 50s.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone could be from the 50s.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like what people are saying is like, yeah, but you look like you would have enjoyed the 50s.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: Like, inadvertently, I feel like people are saying, like, your face reminds me of the patriarchy at its best.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Because you got that face of white privilege, but before white guilt, says no wrinkles.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: The wrinkles uh are coming.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Uh they're coming.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone here seems to be an age.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's so cool.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: I I can't tell ages anymore.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: I can't.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: I got friends in their early 20s.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: I also have a puppy.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: You can't tell them apart.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: All I see are these energetic beings like running around trying to show strangers their tummies.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Either way, they're not allowed on the couch.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: It can be hard to tell what age I am, right?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because puberty let me down.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: I can't I can't wear a backpack in public.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: People think I'm running away from home.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: TSA agents worry about me.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: I took a plane ride, that's what I call it.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I took a little zoom, zoom, vroom, vroom, and I showed the TSA agent a ticket I bought with big boy money, and then I walked away.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: And as I walked past, they shouted, Where are you going?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, New York.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: And she said, by yourself.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Right, in retrospect, I kind of think she was flirting with me, but I'm so used to being treated like an unaccompanied minor, I was just like, Don't worry, I'm meeting people there.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Buddy system, I'll call you what I land.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Now, some of you astute observers uh will be like, you don't look that young.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: That hairline's boop boop boop moving up.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: And it's, I need you to know I make the barber do that.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: I make them do it.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: I go in, they're like, where do you want your hairline?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Where it naturally is here, and I'm like, no, no.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be relatable.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: Is it working?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: This is nice.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't know a lot of you.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I love that.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: I love strangers, they give me hope.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: As a kid, they're obviously very scary because you're just like, oh no, maybe someone will take me away from everything I know and love.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: But as an adult, you're just like, can you?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know that was an option.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: I get on the subway trying to make eye contact.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, is it you?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: Is it you?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody take me away, let's start over, okay?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: I got my backpack on, I'm ready.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just uh I'm all set with family.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm all good.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: I've had my fill.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'd say family is my least favorite group project.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's like in school, right?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: There's always somebody who has to do the majority of the work.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it's never dad.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's never the dad.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone I know is raised by their mom and executive produced by their dad.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you need him to get the project made, but he isn't like in the editing bay, right?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: He's just showing up at the end of the day, like, this is all my money's getting.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Another Spider-Man?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: My uh my parents had kids.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: And just a few of us, okay.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh it was me and my older sister.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, I obviously have an older sister, so I dress nice and believe in myself.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I didn't have an older brother, I'd be dead.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever heard a younger sibling talk about how they were treated by their older brother?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's horrifying.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be talking to my buddy, I'll be like, My older sister and I, we used to play house.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: My buddy will be like, My older brother and I, we used to play, he left me in the washing machine.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: For three days.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, they're so gaslit, they don't even know that that's wrong.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I'll be like, oh, I'm so sorry, and they're like, oh no, you don't get it.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: It was the delicate cycle.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um he used fabric softeners, so actually I thank him.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: I thank him for what he did.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: My brother works in finance now.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Can you believe it?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, yes, I can.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's a predatory industry.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Are there younger siblings here?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, a way to speak up.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Most younger siblings think that's like a trick.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, he's gonna give me a noogie.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's annoying being the younger sibling because parents assign roles on a first-come, first-served basis.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're the youngest, you just get whatever's left.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like my sister got car sick, so I couldn't.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like I did, I just wasn't allowed.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: My parents are like, you can't be car sick, but here's what you can be accommodating.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: I really am, you know.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Excuse me.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: The there was a lot to accommodate in my family.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: We're a very anxious group.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: My first hand-me-down was a Xanax prescription.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the dosage was a little big, but I grew right into it.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: We all we all had our own little like flavor of mental disorder, our own little twist.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like my mom had social anxiety, my sister had general anxiety, my dad was an optimist.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Have you heard of this?
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: What a cruel disorder.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: No known cure, you know, except for paying it attention.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Even a little bit, but blinders on for my guy, and uh we all we all had issues, or as my dad said, everyone's great.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: My uh my particular disorder, it was OCD, who's obsessive-compulsive disorder.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: That's nice, everyone was silent at the same time.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: My OCD wasn't about like cleanliness or organization, which is pretty common, but I was just addicted to these little rituals I thought prevented bad things from happening.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I wasn't washing my hands all the time, but I was like, I'm gonna touch this doorknob eight times.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Now that now the dog won't die.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds weird, yeah, for sure.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: But I need you to know our family dog is 42 years old.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: A homeowner, actually.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: They're doing great.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really proud of them.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: I got my OCD under control now, which is good, but my family's always very concerned that it's gonna come back.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: So any repeated gesture I do, very scary.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: So my sister will be like, Hey Lucas, I just noticed.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: You're taking multiple sips of water.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's totally okay, but I I do want to check.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Is that your O CD?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because I noticed you always look both ways before you cross the street.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's totally okay.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: If I do want to check, is that your CD?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Because I know you told me you always put your pants on one leg at a time.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: That's totally okay.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: If I do want to check.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Is that your CD?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, no, right?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's how people put on pants.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: So stupid.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, I just always go left leg and then right leg to make sure North Korea never develops long-range nuclear missile.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: But she doesn't need to know that.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: I've been in therapy a long time.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: I first went to therapy in seventh grade.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's like what I did after school.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what my friends were doing after school?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because I don't.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't with them.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: I was with a 70-year-old man talking about my fears and jazz.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: We went to family therapy growing up too, which is cool.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's one of those rare times you arrive at the solution because the problem gives you a ride.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: The therapist was like, What brought you in today?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, the things that brought me in today.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm 12, I can't drive.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: As a result of being in therapy for from such a young age, I feel like I tend to think through what I feel a lot, which is good.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: But it also means that I get accused of thinking too much.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: My family would be like, hey, you think too much, which is a setup.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because if someone's like, hey, you think too much, you're gonna be like, Well, I'll think about that.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: And then they've got you.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: And then you don't get to know, do you actually think too much, or were you framed?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: But I spent a lot of time in my head growing up because um we actually weren't allowed to do anything ever for any reason.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like I would say I was sheltered, but truly I was bunkered.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: And this is actually my first boy girl party.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: It's going pretty good.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: We weren't allowed to do anything because my mom was a worrier, but not in like a helpful way.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like some parents are like, don't forget your lunch.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: My mom would be like, Don't forget, 30% of accidents happen within a mile of the home.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Like her fears manifested as math class word problems.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: She'd be like, if you leave the house at 7 a.m.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: and a train leaves DC at 8 a.m., what time will I be convinced you'll be hit by it?
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: Immediately.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: We weren't allowed to do anything to the degree that we weren't allowed to participate in petting zoos.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: So we just watched.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know how sad that is?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: Just a four-year-old boy and his seven-year-old sister, just like, sister, what do you think fur feels like?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: We had those accents too.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: We were taught the Queen's English in the bunker.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: But it's actually nice in the bunker.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: It was a good life.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because my mom was a stay-at-home mom, so when my dad would go to work, we would do nothing.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: We were like French women on holiday.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: We'd be like, What is it you would like to do today?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: I do not know.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: Perhaps we could eat some cheese and be a little sad.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: My mom was a warrior, my dad was a preparer, and that was their balance.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: He did overdo it uh a few years ago because he bought all four of us grave plots next to each next to each other.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: What a relief, right?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: To know that in the end, I'll move back in.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: Takes a lot of pressure off being successful.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_01: Also, I like that story because it shows how thorough my dad is.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because, like, plenty of parents threaten their kids, like, I brought you into this world and I can take you out.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: And my dad's like, and when I do, it'll be to plot B17.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: Under the maple, not in the shade, though.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_01: Your sister gets to shade.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: My dad's a very thorough and private man.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um, he doesn't like to share anything.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like a lot of dads are very private.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it kind of seems like they've all signed emotional NDAs.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like every time a child is born, a lawyer whists a dad into a side room and they're like, How do you feel?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: And the dad's like, Joy I could never express.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: And the lawyer's like, That's great, because you won't.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm all for saving the environment, but if we get rid of cars, where will we talk to our dads?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: The phone?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, dreamers.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: The dinner table, not sure they're allowed there.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: My dad doesn't like to share anything that's wrong with him, especially medically.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, uh, I was back home visiting him and he was in the living room and he was stretching.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, hey, are you stretching?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Because I'm really good at talking to him.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, Yeah.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: Because he's great at ending our conversations.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Well, for anything in particular?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, Well, I tore my rotator cuff five years ago.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, nice.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: No one knew that.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: No one knew that.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, How did it tear under the weight of your secrecy?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: He doesn't share anything that's wrong with him.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: He had prostate cancer, and he's totally fine.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: But he had to tell me, and he was like, I have prostate cancer, and your grandfather has prostate cancer, so that means you have an increased chance of having prostate cancer.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I knew we had something in common.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: Ha ha.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I wish it weren't this.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_01: Wish it had been sports.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: Or a TV show.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: We couldn't have both just liked the prices, right?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: That is a show I watched because I thought it helped my relationship with my dad.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because he was always like, you don't know the value of a dollar.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was like, oh yeah?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: I bet you don't know the value of this brand new jet ski.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_01: The thing my dad and I do have in common is uh I also don't admit when I'm sick, and I do think that's how I'll die.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I'll go to the doctor, they'll be like, You're very sick.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be like, nah.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then my gravestone will say, He was.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Which will be easy to read because it's in the sun.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just not the favorite child.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: I know that for a fact, uh, because my dad named a boat after my sister.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: And he named no boats after me.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: And he has two boats.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: One's named the Rosio, the other's just not named.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Just a little blank space for what could have been, you know.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: And it was always okay, though, that I wasn't the favorite.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: Because I knew my dad loved me as much as he could legally say.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: I think his mom was there.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: And we we often divided our households.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: My sister and my dad were very similar.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: My mother and I were very similar.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: And that's true.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: We were both born second, both performers, both educators.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um before I was born, my mother was a middle school French teacher, and I am a substitute teacher in the New York City Department of Education.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: They pay me an applause.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: I am a substitute teacher, so it's Mr.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: O'Neill, and we're gonna watch a movie for the rest of the show.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: So put it on.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's the birth video from health class.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's all I could get licensed.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: One thing I noticed being in schools is that it kind of there's a lot of sexual tension between faculty members.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it's because they're always referring to each other as Mr.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: and Miss.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: So it's very Jane Austen novel, flirting.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds like Bridgerton High.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like a teacher will knock on another teacher's door, like, excuse me, Miss Worthington.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: So sorry to disturb.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: And Miss Worthington's like, not a disturbance at all.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: I was just telling the class I wouldn't mind if you knocked on my door more often.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: But like a good teacher, my mom made sure we all felt included.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: And because she seemed to understand me more intuitively, she tended to be the bridge between my dad and I when we couldn't reach each other.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: And as a result, he and I never really developed the ability to communicate one-on-one.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like he texted me recently, and the text read, I trust you're doing well.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I guess dad and I dated.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: And we split up, wasn't mutual, but we're figuring it out.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: I know I'm ragging on dads a lot, and I want to be clear, I have a lot of empathy for dads because I am the dad of my friend group.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and you know, that just means my friends hide drugs from me.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: They hide drugs from me.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: We were at a wedding, some of my oldest friends were getting ready, and I found a little black box with a tiny bag of cocaine in it, which I recognized from movies.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I see the cocaine, and my friend Max sees me see the cocaine, and he's like, You weren't supposed to see that.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Well, you were supposed to do your math homework first.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: So guess we're gonna do it right now.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: If you do cocaine at 5 p.m.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: and the reception's at 7 p.m., what time will you be convinced you have the best business idea in the world?
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: Immediately.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: There is hope for men.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: There is.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because we soften over time, you know, we ripen like little avocados.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like my dad's way gentler now, which is great, but it's also really frustrating because I describe him how he was.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: So now when my adult friends meet him, they're always like, I'm sorry, this old man's bothering you.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_01: This kind raisin in khaki shorts is giving you a hard time.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: Let me take care of him for you.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because of his balance.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's great that men ripen over time and that we soften.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's just like I can't afford it.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm already so soft.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so soft.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: I cry at the end of spin class when the song talks about trying your best.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_01: My girlfriend has to ask me for permission to play Sarah Borellis out loud.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: And most of the time I say, I'm not up for it.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: I told my therapist the show was called Emotional Man, and she said, perfect.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_01: How many feelings do you have to have for a professional therapist to be like medically speaking?
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's a lot.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: I just don't have a real classically masculine vibe.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_01: Never a protest, only silent affirmation.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not self-conscious about it either.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm just very conscious of how often cashiers call me honey.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: Regularly, not all cashiers, right?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: Not black women, they call me baby.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: I like that.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's the most I ever feel like a man.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_01: I just need an I just mean like another white dude to be like, that'll be a 36, hon, and you're like, okay, chief.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: But just there is this idea of masculinity that's just so prevalent and so you know restricted.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_01: So much bonding for men surrounds violence.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_01: American football, very violent, video games, very violent, guns, obviously, very violent.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm sure you're all at this show, so we probably all agree about guns.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: You shouldn't just hand someone a gun.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: And the majority of the country agrees with that.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: I got a southern conservative gun owner to agree with me on gun control.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_01: Here's what happened.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: I I shot a gun.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: It was the only time I've ever shot a gun, and it was very scary.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: How good it felt.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: What a little secret.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: My goodness.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: And it was at a gun range in Georgia.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_01: Gun ranges, of course, the libraries of the South.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: I made a lot of assumptions about the South, but that one I nailed that.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_01: The only one I got wrong was I used to think I thought Grits was a racial surf for oatmeal.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: But it turns out.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's its own mush.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: So I was staying in Lawrenceville, Georgia, with a family with four boys living at home, ages 18 to 24.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so for a week it was it was like I had four bullies.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so all week they were like, we gotta get you shoot again, we gotta get you shoot again, like it was some sort of liberal conversion camp.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: And at the end of the week, we went, because they were bigger than me, and we pull up to the gun range, and it's located right next to a Baptist church.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, right?
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: Do you remember when Baskin Robbins and Duncan Donuts were like, we should probably be in the same place.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_01: That's what the South decided.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: But with guns and Jesus.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, we're shooting and praying in some order, so might as well share a parking lot.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: So we walk in and we walk up to the woman behind the counter, and we're like, we want to shoot a gun, and she's like, duh.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: And then they let me, which is crazy.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_01: They shouldn't let me shoot a gun.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_01: My dad doesn't let me light the grill alone.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: I just signed a little piece of paper and started walking in.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, that didn't feel like enough of a background check, you know.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: And then they were like, shh.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's a library.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_01: And then they hand me a rifle with a silencer because the problem with guns is noise.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I take one shot and try to hand the gun back to the tallest boy, like someone who'd been forced to hold a baby.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, this is nice.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think I want one of my own.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: And as I'm handing it back, the boy starts backing away.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't just hand someone a gun.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, that's what I'm saying.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: But this idea of masculinity, this alpha aggro masculinity, is so prevalent.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so I actually feel relieved that I'm softer than my dad and he's softer than his.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: It feels like we're breaking a pattern that needs to be revised.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: And my dad is like way softer than his dad.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_01: I worked for my grandfather when I was 13 and he owned a vending machine company.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_01: And one day I got a delivery truck and I drove it around the parking lot.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I did that for a very good reason, and that was that an older boy told me to.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_01: So I park, and my grandfather sees me, and he walks out.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, Do you have balls?
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have balls?
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: He repeated himself because I come from a long line of showmen.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: I was like 13, so I was like, I don't know.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe they just got here.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't done inventory.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_01: And he said, Well, you won't if you do that again.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_01: Cute.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_01: Little castration threat.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: Something picked up at Montessori school, probably.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_01: But again, I was 13, so I was like, okay.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: You made riding a bike a lot easier.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't a useful threat.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: Especially given our family history.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_01: It would have been way better if he had been like, Do you have a prostate?
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you won't if you live long enough.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: Pretty hereditary cancer, but get that check.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_01: I know men aren't like the only problem.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_01: Just like the big one.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone can be withholding, right?
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_01: My mom's mom was pretty withholding.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_01: She was very tricky.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I would feel like I was I'm too jaded.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_01: And then I'd I'd hang out with Grammy Betty and I'd be like, I'm fine.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like I got a long way to go.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: She I was giving, I was back home, and I was giving her a ride to the doctors, obviously.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, hey, Grammy, two of my best friends are getting married.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: And she stared straight ahead and was like, that's too bad.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_01: And then laughed forever.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_01: She's at a stage in life where she just walks into a room and starts insulting people.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_01: Is that a stage of development?
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_01: Just like an insultomic.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_01: She walks in, she's like, You're too fat, you're never getting married.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_01: There's a third thing, but I'm old, I forgot it.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_01: I'm always like, Is that grandpa ruined your life?
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, Yeah.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_01: She really talks about that all the time.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: We were at Thanksgiving a few years ago, and my mom stood up and she said, I just want to say, we're all here because somebody loved somebody else.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_01: Beautiful.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: And my grandmother leans over to me and she's like, We're all here because your grandfather got me in the back seat.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_01: I love old people.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_01: I love old people.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_01: I love when they get to the stage in life where they start to tell a really sweet story and then it becomes tragic for no reason.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like an old person will tell you a story, and they'll be like, in fourth grade, I took a field trip to the art museum, and me and my best friend Maureen snuck into the elevator and we took it to the top floor.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_01: And from there we could see the whole town.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_01: And Maureen's first husband committed suicide in 94.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, what's his story?
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_01: What are we doing?
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_01: Edit, edit.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_01: How's Maureen?
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_01: I've been spending a lot of time with old people because my sister did this really cool thing, and she married the oldest man she could find.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_01: When I was 28 years old, and my sister was 31 years old, she married a 49-year-old man.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_01: So I did not get a brother-in-law, but I got a stepdad.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_01: And that's awesome, you know, because my parents stayed together, so I never got one.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe he'll buy me a PS2.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_01: Now, some of you are like, pretty big age gap, but maybe you and him have some common interests.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, well, he's a beekeeper, so no.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_01: Not a lot.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_01: Also, his name is George, so is he only 49?
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know what I mean?
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_01: Can you name George?
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_01: I mean less than 72?
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_01: Legally?
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think so.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_01: You name George, you're either an old man or a baby king.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: And he doesn't have baby king money.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_01: Also, they want to have a kid.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, cool.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: How old is the baby gonna be?
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_01: 17?
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: I just still want a nephew that's older than me.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_01: I do love George, and not just for the free honey.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_01: The age gap actually hasn't been like a big issue.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_01: It did come up one time, though.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_01: Uh we were suit shopping for the wedding, and it was me and my sister Hannah and George, her betrothed, and then his sister Carol.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_01: Carol.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, Carol.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just telling you Carol's name, so you know George isn't even the oldest one there.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_01: So we go out after dinner, it's about 4:45.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_01: And we go to a men's warehouse, the Sparrows Pizza of Men's Fashion.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_01: And we walk in, and a pair of suspenders wearing a man comes up to us.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, What are you here for?
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_01: And my sister's like, a wedding.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, My bar mitzvah.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_01: Which is like a fine joke for here, but at a men's warehouse, crushed.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_01: I got three pairs of pants just for that punchline.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_01: So then we start trying suits on me, right?
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_01: We're trying on blues, trying on grays, those are the only colors that go with my skin tone.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_01: And after about 10 minutes, the pair of suspenders go to George.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_01: They go, hey, George, do you want to wear a suit that matches the groom?
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, for about 10 minutes, I was gonna marry my sister.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I was worried she was settling, right?
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_01: But not that much.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_01: Incest is the most you can settle.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, you didn't even leave the bunker.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't know how we're gonna get a situation.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_01: My sister just goes, oh no, we're all mismatched.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, no.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_01: We aren't all mismatched.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_01: Carol and I are just friends.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_01: But she is coming to my bar mitzvah.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta be honest.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not supposed to tell those jokes.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_01: My sister heard them and she was like, maybe don't do them.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, you got it.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_01: And then I immediately stopped doing them on every show she comes to, and every show George comes to, but my shows start pretty late.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_01: But a few weeks after that conversation I had with my sister, I was back home, and it was just me and my mom.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_01: And she said, Are you still telling those jokes?
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Oh yeah.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_01: And she just smiled and said, Good.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_01: Because she was naughty, you know?
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_01: And she was my advocate.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_01: She always wanted to make sure there was enough space so I didn't always have to accommodate.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: And the advocacy between my mom and I went both ways.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_01: She started after my sister and I were born, but she became an actress.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_01: And for years and years she was a staple in the local theater scene.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_01: And she was very good, but more importantly, she was very committed to the craft.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so when I first started doing stand-up, I was living with my parents, and some nights my mom and I would get home at the same time.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_01: She'd get back from rehearsal, I'd get back from a show, and we'd huddle together in the kitchen eating salty snacks, talking about what we'd learned.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_01: And I was always so grateful for those little pockets of time.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because it would feel like our definitions as mother and son would melt away, and it'd just be two artists saying the refrain we all need to hear to each other of like, you're doing great.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: Just keep going.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_01: And so I always think about my mom before I perform, and certainly before I tell those jokes.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_01: And of course, if somebody's thinking about somebody else, it probably means they're not around anymore, and that's true.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_01: My mom passed away in 2019, and most of you didn't notice that because that's how good I am at grief.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_01: Grief is like a nose job.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_01: You do it right, no one can tell.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_01: But you do have to get new headshots.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_01: Something about the light in the eyes.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_01: But in particular as my advocate.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because a few months after she died, my dad and I got in a fight about a joke.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't do it because he, you know, won, which extends his winning streak to my entire life.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_01: And also, it's like it's a dad giving you an opinion about a joke, so you gotta trust it.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_01: Dads are known for jokes of high quality and nuance.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, what is a pun if not social critique in its shortest form?
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_01: It was a joke about my father and our family and how we were moving on after my mom passed away.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_01: And he didn't like it, he didn't want me to tell it.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I understood, but I thought we should be able to talk about it.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so we were gathered together and we were going back and forth and back and forth.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, Well, you can't tell that joke because it's my life.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, but you're my dad.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, right.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, right.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_01: We couldn't resolve it, you know.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because I wanted to be heard and he needed to stay safe.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so I agreed not to tell the joke.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_01: But I left that conversation with a clear sense of like, my pain can't be here.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_01: So I guess if we're gonna heal, we're gonna do it on our own.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_01: And the next day, my dad was having surgery to treat the prostate cancer.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_01: And he underwent a successful procedure to remove the thing we have in common.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I called my sister later that afternoon and I said, hey, just so you know, I'm not coming home for a long time.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_01: And that was February of 2020.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_01: And in March of 2020, I moved right back home.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_01: Um B17, what's the movement policy?
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm coming for you.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's true.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_01: I moved into a small house, and at the end of the driveway was the graveyard with the four grave plots that my dad had bought.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_01: Before that, I lived a normal life.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_01: My girlfriend and I lived together in New York City.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_01: We had no kids and 32 succulent plants.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_01: And then we moved to a rural part of Maine, which is redundant.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_01: Describing the rural part of Maine is like describing the fun part of Catholicism.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's like that's the whole thing, baby.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_01: But we moved to a rural part of Maine, and my girlfriend settled in really well because she's an introvert.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_01: And my girlfriend and I have been together a long time, but she is so introverted that when people are like, what is she like?
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_01: I have to be like, oh, I don't know yet.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_01: She's got a beautiful voice, I hope.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'd love to hear it someday.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'd love to know her name.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_01: But my untitled girlfriend settled in really well, and she she planted a garden in front of our house.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_01: And she planted a bunch of things, but one of the things she planted was sunflowers.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_01: And there's a really cool math to sunflowers.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you know this, but the seeds in the center they follow the Fibonacci sequence.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so all the seeds cascade down along this golden ratio and they overlap and create this incandescent, hopeful flower.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I know that because while my girlfriend was gardening, I was on my phone.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was on my phone.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_01: We're all on our phone so much.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_01: We're so addicted.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_01: I just said phone, and a small part of all of our brains were like, oh yeah, my phone.
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_01: I wonder what it's doing.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_01: Does it miss me too?
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_01: We're on screen so much, I worry about the next generation.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'm worried I'll have a kid, they'll make eye contact, I'll have to apologize.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_01: Be like, I'm so sorry, he's an old soul.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_01: He's just diagnosed with attention span.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, our phones make us sad.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's because they give us too much information to process at once.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like you'll go to check the time, and your phone will be like, hmm, we've been expecting you.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_01: You got two texts from your crush, that's pretty good.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_01: You got an Instagram comment from your ex, you're getting assigned for that.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_01: And you got a low bounce alert and you're checking.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_01: No, savings.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_01: Nope, both.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_01: And the planet is drowning.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_01: No, burning.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_01: No, both.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_01: And that's just the lock screen.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_01: You don't even have to dive in to be devastated.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's stressful enough checking the time.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_01: You're just like, ah, I have less.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like big tech.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I don't like big tech.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_01: I really hate that they call themselves big tech.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't that seem like they made up their own nickname?
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like they switched high schools, they wanted to seem cool.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like we're doing roll call for American Industries, and we're like, okay, oil and gas, and they're like, here.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_01: Hook them.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_01: Uh technology?
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, um, it's tech.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually big tech.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually big tech has a girlfriend.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually big tech has two girlfriends.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_01: The tech is big, and the big is tech, and the tech, tech, tech, big, big, big, big.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_01: We're like, great, good, good, good.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh great.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_01: Has anyone seen manufacturing?
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_01: And then the class is like, uh, they moved.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_01: I really lost track of time up there.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_01: I really lost track of time.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_01: Every day felt like the same but different.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_01: The same but different.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like the uh last two sentences I said.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_01: The jokes get subtler as the show goes on, which I think many of you are thinking, how?
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_01: But I lost track of the days of the week.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I had to come up with a little hack to try to keep track of what day of the week it was.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_01: And you can use this.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_01: This is a good one.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_01: You can use this.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_01: Here's what I would do.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_01: Every day I would stare out the window.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_01: And then some days I'd see a garbage truck.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I'd be like, wait, I know that garbage truck.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's the garbage truck that got stuck on the road during my mom's funeral.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_01: Got stuck on the tiny little road and we were about to do the burial.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_01: And then the garbage truck was like, I gotta get out of here.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_01: I am underdressed.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_01: And so it starts backing up.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_01: And garbage trucks are a lot like dogs when they go in reverse.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, I wasn't really meant for this.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_01: So at a certain point, the truck starts backing up towards the casket.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I walk up to my sister and I go, I still think we go with the gray.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_01: And she didn't laugh at all.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_01: And then the truck comes and said, When can we bury my mom?
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so when I see the truck, I remember that story, and I go, my mom was buried on a Thursday.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, it's Thursday, so you can use that.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_01: If you're sick of Google Calendar.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_01: We're having such a nice time.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then death popped up.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I do apologize for a perfect metaphor, but I have I have always loved metaphors.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_01: Always been a big fan, even when they're kind of untrustworthy, you know, like when you're reading a book and the author's like, their eyes were licorice.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, what?
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_01: How?
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like color or function?
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_01: Is this code?
• 40:23
  SPEAKER_01: Aren't words already code?
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_01: This is why no one reads.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the other issue with metaphors is sometimes people force it where there isn't one.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like I did a leadership training for a job I had, and the leadership training was at an obstacle course.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because obstacle courses help leadership.
• 40:41
  unknown: Right?
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_01: Historians have always said that the reason that America defeated the British in the Revolutionary War is because George Washington kept taking the whole army zipline.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_01: Our instructor that day was British, and he was just telling us everything we were doing was a metaphor.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_01: So we'd be like up on these elevated beams, 50 feet in the air, walking between trees, and he'd be like, This is a metaphor for when you're scared.
• 41:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, nope.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm scared.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_01: And when I pass out, that'll be a metaphor for needing immediate medical attention.
• 41:16
  SPEAKER_01: And this isn't like the main point of that story, but it does prove that you could be 50 feet above them, and a British person can still talk down to you.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_01: But I have always loved metaphors.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_01: As somebody who thinks a lot and feels even more, metaphors are always a place to put it.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_01: Not to hide it away, but to know that it was safe, cared for.
• 41:38
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't always love the metaphors I had to confront after my mom passed away.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's like she dies, and then I move into a small house that stares at her grave.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, okay, I'll confront the grief.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_01: Uh maybe we don't have to be so on the nose.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'd say grief is actually my least favorite group project.
• 41:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's like in school.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_01: There's always somebody who has to do the majority of the work.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_01: And we didn't have her.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_01: We all fell apart after my mom passed away.
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_01: We all tried to put ourselves back together in different ways.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_01: My sister, my dad got really into reincarnation.
• 42:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_01: The little Eastern religious idea came off the bench, played some minutes for the Irish Catholics.
• 42:27
  SPEAKER_01: In one week, my sister thought my mom was a butterfly, my dad thought she was a loon, and I thought she was dead.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_01: I had eyes on her, it was pretty easy to prove.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_01: Cliches are way more helpful in grief than I realize because it's like frustrating to hear they're in a better place, like a bunch of times.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_01: But that's actually way better than hearing your Uncle Mike's original take on the afterlife, right?
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_01: Cliches have been smoothed over time.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_01: You don't need some jagged theory from a man known for giving unwanted shoulder rubs at Christmas.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_01: To me.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_01: The only cliche that I didn't really get is this fixation we have on the last words people say.
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's like, I don't remember the last words my mother said to me.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_01: But a few months before she died, she said, Do you think you'll keep your hair?
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I haven't slept since.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know how many times I had to tell her.
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's like I make the barber do this.
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_01: But you have to use humor to move through it, even if it doesn't seem funny to anybody else.
• 43:36
  SPEAKER_01: My sister and I were on the phone recently, and she just became a mother, and she was talking about how hard it is.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_01: And she said, I don't know how mom did it.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_01: And then I said, Well, she died young.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_01: And then we laughed forever.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like two little sociopaths raised by Grammy Betty.
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_01: I've written jokes I think are too dark to say on stage, for example.
• 44:02
  SPEAKER_01: My mom passed away from ovarian cancer, and I started to feel guilty because I'm the youngest child.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like I was the last one in there.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_01: Did I leave the oven on?
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't say that joke to be flippant or casual about death.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_01: There was a time where I was too casual about death.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_01: In my early 20s, I was going to a lot of these going away parties.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_01: Funerals.
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying they're good parties, but it's an event I attend out of social obligation, and by the end of the night, I'm in the corner talking about mortality.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_01: Oh babe.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's every party I go to.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_01: Also, we were going to a lot of these like Irish Catholic funerals, and those seem like boring by design.
• 44:45
  SPEAKER_01: Because you actually start to feel less bad about the person being dead.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_01: You're just like, well, at least they didn't have to sit through this.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_01: Which is what I said to my Aunt Molly, and now we're not allowed to sit next to each other anymore.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_01: But you need you need the jokes because you can't look directly at the pain, right?
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's like an eclipse.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_01: And you build that little cardboard box to look at the reflection and you go, this is safe.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_01: This isn't what this is.
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_01: There are already so many projects with death.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I wrote an obituary for my mother.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_01: And it is an honor, right, to be a published author.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_01: But there's a problem with obituaries, and it's that not everyone reads the paper.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_01: So you actually gotta make a death announcement for each social media platform for each age group of person.
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_01: So you do the paper for the boomers, but then you gotta do Facebook for Gen X, you do Instagram for millennials, and then you do a TikTok.
• 45:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't want to do it, okay?
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to lip sync to Katy Perry's the one that got away, but you gotta let the kids know that we lost one.
• 46:09
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't know how to talk about it.
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_01: My dad and I certainly didn't.
• 46:13
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, we were so reluctant to talk about my mom's passing that we were relieved when politics came up.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_01: And we'd be like, that's mom's favorite flower, immigration.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_01: Let's do that.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_01: The thing my dad and I could do is we could play pickleball.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and if you've never heard of pickleball, that's amazing.
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's the loudest game in the world.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it's also one of the fastest-growing pastimes in the country, second apparently to fascism.
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_01: So it's too popular with too many people for my comfort level, but my dad loved the game, and so we would play every day.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_01: And we we would try to connect through the game, but we have pretty different strategies for going about it.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'd be like, Mom always loves summer.
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's crazy living through one without her.
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_01: And he'd be like, when you serve, you want to hit it deep in the box.
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you put it in front of me, I'm gonna have a field day.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_01: I wonder if we've had enough time to process this level of grief.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_01: He'd be like, the third shot's most important.
• 47:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because that allows you to get to the net and that's where the action happens.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it doesn't always feel like we're on the same team, and he's like, point, I've won again.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_01: He he was really good, yeah.
• 47:32
  SPEAKER_01: But I was really glad that we played.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because it felt like the one thing we could do to prove to each other we were still showing up.
• 47:42
  SPEAKER_01: It was like, I can meet you here, even if I don't know what else to do.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, of course, we didn't know what else to do.
• 47:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because your expectations of grief are so different than the lived reality.
• 47:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's like an escape room versus a room you need to escape.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, either way, I want every clue, and I want to apologize to my friends that were spending my birthday like this.
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_01: The thing that I didn't anticipate, most of all, about not having a mom anymore is I now do normal adult stuff, and no one's impressed at all.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_01: I mailed a letter.
• 48:20
  SPEAKER_01: I mailed a letter.
• 48:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 48:25
  SPEAKER_01: I got an envelope, got a stamp, put it in a mail, but there was no one to be like, aren't you clever?
• 48:32
  SPEAKER_01: What a trophy way.
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_01: But of course, what I couldn't anticipate, most of all, was just the loss, the magnitude.
• 48:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because my mother was our best student, she was the bridge between us, but she was also belonging.
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_01: My mother was a mirror reflecting back the best version of me.
• 48:53
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't think too much, I was thoughtful.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't too soft, I was safe.
• 48:59
  SPEAKER_01: My mother was a mirror.
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_01: And there's a known shortage.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_01: They say time heals, so I tried to learn a lot about my new friend time.
• 49:10
  SPEAKER_01: And what that meant is that I was reading a lot of books about astrophysics.
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_01: Now I told you at the beginning of this show, this would be stand-up that thinks too highly of itself.
• 49:20
  SPEAKER_01: So, me talking about astrophysics is keeping that promise.
• 49:24
  SPEAKER_01: Also, trying to explain astrophysics because you've read like two books, because you've read a book in a podcast, because you've listened to part of a podcast is a little bit like saying, I can teach you French, I just ate at a prêt à manger, but there were two ideas that were really helpful.
• 49:43
  SPEAKER_01: And the first is this concept of complementarity.
• 49:47
  SPEAKER_01: And what that means when it comes to everyday life, if something is true, the opposite tends to be false.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_01: But with deep universal truths, that's not the case.
• 49:54
  SPEAKER_01: If something is right and correct, the exact opposite tends to be right and correct.
• 49:58
  SPEAKER_01: So not only can two things be true at once, but they have to be.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I love that, right?
• 50:03
  SPEAKER_01: I love that contradiction.
• 50:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because as humans, we're contradictions.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's like I'm humble, that's what I brag about.
• 50:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's his life, he's my dad.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_01: This is a stand-up show, and is it?
• 50:17
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what grief is.
• 50:19
  SPEAKER_01: These conflicting moments of joy and pain, of missing the person you love and loving the way they still show up in your life.
• 50:26
  SPEAKER_01: The other concept that really helped was symmetry.
• 50:28
  SPEAKER_01: And I think we're all familiar with symmetry, right?
• 50:31
  SPEAKER_01: We've all seen a nice jawline.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_01: But in science, symmetry just means change without change.
• 50:40
  SPEAKER_01: Or as we often think about it, the moderate democratic platform.
• 50:48
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what grief is: the moderate democratic platform.
• 50:56
  SPEAKER_01: And change without change.
• 50:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because there's no arc to grief.
• 51:00
  SPEAKER_01: There's no three-act structure, there's no setup and punchline.
• 51:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's just the same, the same, the same, the same until it's different.
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_01: My mother was a beautiful woman, and she talked to me like I mattered.
• 51:12
  SPEAKER_01: People like to tell me what I look like a lot, and I get this one all the time.
• 51:15
  SPEAKER_01: People will be like, you know what?
• 51:17
  SPEAKER_01: You look just like Cindy.
• 51:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I say thank you.
• 51:25
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you're only beautiful once.
• 51:29
  SPEAKER_01: And for my mother, that once just happened to be the whole time.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_01: My dad and I kept having the same fight over and over again.
• 51:42
  SPEAKER_01: And we finally had one of those big fights where it feels like if you don't clean it up right away, you maybe never will.
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so we were doing that.
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_01: And we were on a dock on a lake, and we were sitting next to each other on a bench because we were trying to replicate a car.
• 52:02
  SPEAKER_01: And we eased into the conversation with something light, like the US foreign policy in China.
• 52:08
  SPEAKER_01: And we were going back and forth and back and forth.
• 52:12
  SPEAKER_01: And eventually my dad said, Well, the truth is, Luke, I'm scared of you.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought, that can't be.
• 52:19
  SPEAKER_01: And he said, but not physically.
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, well, that can't be at all.
• 52:28
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm three inches taller than you, I'm half your age, whereby water, next to a boat you didn't name after me.
• 52:36
  SPEAKER_01: The motive is clear, man.
• 52:37
  SPEAKER_01: You should be terrified.
• 52:42
  SPEAKER_01: But my dad said he was scared of me, and something broke, right?
• 52:45
  SPEAKER_01: Or broke free.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_01: Because this whole time, I knew we were two people navigating a future we'd fought so hard to prevent.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_01: But what I kept missing, or couldn't see, is that that meant we were two people looking at each other, wondering if we were doing enough.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_01: Both without the one person who always showed us that we were.
• 53:11
  SPEAKER_01: I cried a lot that day.
• 53:13
  SPEAKER_01: It was like the end of spin class.
• 53:16
  SPEAKER_01: And they were playing Sarah Borella.
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_01: But it's also the day my dad and I started coming back to each other.
• 53:25
  SPEAKER_01: Not all at once, but bit by bit.
• 53:28
  SPEAKER_01: As if revising a pattern we'd finally broken.
• 53:33
  SPEAKER_01: So if I could be sincere for a moment.
• 53:36
  SPEAKER_01: If I could be sincere.
• 53:39
  SPEAKER_01: I share all of this not because it is hilarious, although, given the silence, it clearly is.
• 53:49
  SPEAKER_01: But because we can't heal alone.
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_01: There's no self-made man.
• 53:56
  SPEAKER_01: So if I could offer up my jagged little theory, it's just that grief is this collection of conflicting moments of joy and pain that slowly over time brings you closer to healing.
• 54:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like the seeds at the center of a sunflower.
• 54:13
  SPEAKER_01: When overlapped with the patterns of others, it makes something bright and bold that looks a lot like hope.
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_01: My girlfriend and I.
• 55:16
  SPEAKER_01: It was like five French women on holiday.
• 55:22
  SPEAKER_01: And in the backyard, you could see one tall row of sunflowers.