Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Parenting Without Losing Yourself | Ep. 148

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Parenting Without Losing Yourself | Ep. 148 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Speaker: For many of us, parenting sometimes feels like a badge that we wear with pride or sometimes with pressure.
• 0:15
  Speaker: So what happens when our sense of worth gets wrapped up in our child's behavior?
• 0:22
  Speaker: Achievements or choices.
• 0:26
  Speaker: I'm Cheryl Langer host and today on the Parenting Podcast we're exploring the delicate balance between being a dedicated parent and holding on to your own sense of self.
• 0:40
  Speaker: Together let's uncover how you love your kids deeply while staying grounded in who you are.
• 0:47
  Speaker: Let's get started.
• 0:56
  Cheryl: Okay, y'all, you know, I've got a lot of questions here from our listeners.
• 1:01
  Cheryl: Yes, and so One I think she listens to us a lot presume it's a mom and She said okay Y'all are always talking about our identity of as parents and how it's all wrapped up in our kids and that struggle and I really identify with that and And then you always say, Oh, we ought to do a whole episode on that.
• 1:28
  Cheryl: And then you never do.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: So here it is.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: Would you please
• 1:34
  Cheryl: talk about the struggle of our identity as individuals, not just as parents and not wrapped up in our kids?
• 1:43
  Christie: Well, I'm glad she asked for this because I feel like this is what I'm always wanting to talk about.
• 1:47
  Christie: So, that's great.
• 1:49
  Christie: Exactly.
• 1:49
  Christie: I mean,
• 1:50
  Cheryl: if we go back through, we could probably find like every other episode.
• 1:52
  Cheryl: At the core of everything.
• 1:53
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:54
  Cheryl: Because it really is.
• 1:55
  Cheryl: So, I have some questions.
• 1:57
  Cheryl: Let's get it kicked off because this is a struggle.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: Oh, yes.
• 2:02
  Cheryl: All of us.
• 2:03
  Cheryl: And, uh, let me start with this one.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: Why do you think it's so easy to get wrapped up in parenting as An identity.
• 2:14
  Christie: It is
• 2:14
  Ellen: easy.
• 2:14
  Ellen: Because they take up all your time.
• 2:17
  Ellen: You know, that's, that's primary.
• 2:18
  Ellen: Everything you're doing from the moment you wake up is to help your children.
• 2:23
  Ellen: Get your children here, get them dressed, feed them.
• 2:25
  Ellen: So the core of your life, even if you do have outside interests, are still based on, okay, well, I can't do that today because I've got to go pick up kids or I've got to do this.
• 2:34
  Ellen: Right.
• 2:35
  Ellen: The bulk of your time is just, is just.
• 2:36
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:36
  Cheryl: There was a comedian, Gallagher, was that his name, the one that would smash the watermelon?
• 2:43
  Cheryl: And he did a little skit, and this is forever ago, and he, had had a baby.
• 2:48
  Cheryl: And so he was talking and saying, Oh yeah, okay, yeah, well, oh, we'll just hop over and play cards.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: That'd be great.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: Oh no.
• 2:57
  Cheryl: We forgot the baby, and then he had this huge ball and chain that was tied to his leg, which is what you're saying.
• 3:07
  Cheryl: It just takes
• 3:08
  Christie: over your whole life.
• 3:09
  Christie: I remember after we had our second daughter, we were going to get A date night.
• 3:13
  Christie: And so we had someone keeping our oldest, who was two, but then we would have the baby because she was still nursing.
• 3:20
  Christie: So we're going to take her with us and we were like, Oh, you know, that just felt like freedom.
• 3:24
  Christie: Right.
• 3:24
  Christie: And so we were thinking, what will we do?
• 3:26
  Christie: And I said, what did we used to like to do when we were dating?
• 3:29
  Christie: Oh, we used to love to go ice skating.
• 3:32
  Christie: So in my brain, I was like, well, okay, well, that's what we'll do.
• 3:35
  Christie: And then we were driving and I was, I looked back and I was like, wait a minute, This is not going to end well.
• 3:41
  Christie: We can't go ice skating, where are you going to put the stroller?
• 3:43
  Christie: But you just, you, you, everything is permeated by these decisions, and they're part of every decision.
• 3:49
  Christie: So it really is hard.
• 3:50
  Cheryl: I mean, it affects your, particularly when you move from no children to a child.
• 3:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:55
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:56
  Cheryl: It really affects your relationships.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:59
  Cheryl: You know, trying to go anywhere.
• 4:01
  Cheryl: Right.
• 4:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:01
  Cheryl: You know, remember when it used to be easy?
• 4:03
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: We just get ready and go, trying to go to sleep.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 4:07
  Cheryl: All
• 4:08
  Ellen: of a sudden there's somebody where you've just gotten to a deep sleep and somebody starts crying.
• 4:12
  Christie: Well, and I think another factor is a lot of people are in the age group when you're having your children that you are already kind of sorting out your identity in general as an adult.
• 4:24
  Christie: You know, if you're in your twenties, even in your thirties, trying to figure out what your adult life looks like and who you want to be and what your values are.
• 4:33
  Christie: And so it's a time that you're asking all those questions anyway, and you've got this huge factor to consider as your children.
• 4:40
  Christie: That's right
• 4:42
  Cheryl: Well and of the things is because it is so personal.
• 4:45
  Cheryl: We're talking about taking over your whole life.
• 4:49
  Cheryl: Someone who returns to work after they have a baby, and the father, it still is the painting that's all over your life, so it's so personal.
• 5:01
  Cheryl: So it just sets us up to get on our validation from our children and what they are and I mean, I can remember I, I kind of quit being an individual, right?
• 5:13
  Cheryl: I was just a parent.
• 5:14
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:15
  Cheryl: Because I kind of couldn't see past it.
• 5:17
  Ellen: Well, and all you're doing is talking about parenting issues.
• 5:20
  Ellen: That's true.
• 5:21
  Ellen: Especially as a first time parent, you know, you're asking your friends, you're reading books, you're looking at, you know, videos or whatever to learn about parenting.
• 5:29
  Ellen: So it kind of.
• 5:30
  Ellen: takes over everything.
• 5:31
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:32
  Ellen: And also it's one of the most contentious roles we have in our life.
• 5:38
  Ellen: And by that, well, by that I mean is like, well, I breastfeed, but you don't, right?
• 5:43
  Ellen: Uh, I use cloth diapers, but you don't stay home.
• 5:47
  Ellen: But I went, right.
• 5:48
  Ellen: All of a sudden then identity that's true.
• 5:52
  Ellen: The parenting thing gets divided by what you're doing within your
• 5:55
  Christie: parenting.
• 5:55
  Christie: Wow.
• 5:56
  Christie: Well, if you've ever been in a group of people that, like, there's parents and non parents, you realize that really quick because if parents are in a group, they're going to talk about their kids.
• 6:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:06
  Christie: That's just what I was thinking.
• 6:07
  Christie: And if a person doesn't have children, they will not have much to contribute.
• 6:11
  Cheryl: But, I, I, the same thing.
• 6:13
  Cheryl: I, uh, a sensitivity that I didn't have when I was deep in the parenting years that I have developed because.
• 6:22
  Cheryl: What you're talking about, being in a group of mixed life stages and so forth, and what is one thing parents talk about.
• 6:30
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:31
  Cheryl: And they just talk and talk and talk instead of realizing there are three or four people in this group who are being excluded.
• 6:38
  Cheryl: Well,
• 6:38
  Ellen: I always wondered why those people would talk about their dogs.
• 6:41
  Ellen: Now I can be more sensitive because they were feeling left out.
• 6:44
  Ellen: Right.
• 6:44
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:45
  Ellen: You know.
• 6:45
  Ellen: But that kind of brought them into, now the rest of us would politely look at the person and going, yeah, my dog's done that before.
• 6:52
  Christie: Right?
• 6:54
  Christie: Well, and if you're sitting in a, in a group mixed with any other, you know, any other thing, you don't find that gravity of talking about that topic like you do children.
• 7:04
  Cheryl: And then I think also, Social media, and it's it's flooding of our lives.
• 7:12
  Cheryl: The problem is it presents this curated presentation.
• 7:17
  Cheryl: It's just getting worse and worse.
• 7:19
  Cheryl: It is.
• 7:19
  Cheryl: That it's all curated.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 7:21
  Cheryl: Yet, that sets a standard that, Oh, I'm supposed to be like that too.
• 7:27
  Cheryl: And look what they're doing.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: Whether they're really, really laid back.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: Right.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: Or they're doing All the stuff, you know, and, you know, we have done all of this and we are teaching our, you know, three month old how to speak two languages.
• 7:41
  Cheryl: And all of this sort of stuff feeds into, Oh, I need to be doing it better and better and better and better.
• 7:49
  Cheryl: And then that's consuming.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: And then that's what you think out and there comes your identity.
• 7:54
  Cheryl: It's so true.
• 7:54
  Cheryl: The, the mommy
• 7:55
  Christie: influencers, the, you know, it's a whole thing for these young moms that are just overwhelmed with a standard to meet or, you know, just feeling like, Oh gosh, I need.
• 8:08
  Christie: And.
• 8:09
  Christie: And really all those people are doing is selling things, you know, it's all marketing and it just leaves the, the average parent just feeling like, Oh, I'm not doing enough.
• 8:19
  Christie: I'm not doing it right because I'm not using the 19 products that this person's sponsoring.
• 8:22
  Ellen: Exactly.
• 8:23
  Christie: And I won't
• 8:24
  Ellen: say, I hate influencers.
• 8:26
  Ellen: They should be all banned from.
• 8:28
  Ellen: It's like
• 8:28
  Cheryl: infomercials,
• 8:29
  Christie: is all
• 8:29
  Ellen: it is.
• 8:30
  Ellen: And who,
• 8:31
  Cheryl: who.
• 8:32
  Ellen: Um,
• 8:34
  Cheryl: and then somebody will get in touch, Oh, I want to be your friend on whatever.
• 8:38
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:39
  Cheryl: Oh, yeah.
• 8:40
  Cheryl: Weight loss.
• 8:41
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:41
  Cheryl: Whatever you're selling.
• 8:43
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 8:43
  Cheryl: I'm not buying.
• 8:44
  Cheryl: Um, okay.
• 8:45
  Christie: I think, I think another reason to is, and you know, it's hard to acknowledge, but just our insecurities.
• 8:53
  Christie: You know, if we feel inadequate in, in certain areas of our lives, we may overcompensate in our parenting and use our parenting skills or, you know, lifestyle with our kids as a way to validate ourselves.
• 9:09
  Cheryl: That is so true, Christy, because I'm remembering me.
• 9:12
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 9:12
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:13
  Cheryl: I kind of didn't care about myself when I was a non parent.
• 9:19
  Cheryl: You know, it was okay.
• 9:20
  Cheryl: I kind of liked people to like me, and I, I kind of cared.
• 9:23
  Cheryl: But the whole game changed once I started having children.
• 9:29
  Cheryl: Just what you're saying, the insecurity that my children They were me, they were an extension of me and I had to get it right because was me.
• 9:41
  Cheryl: My worth is make or break, makes or
• 9:44
  Christie: breaks me.
• 9:44
  Christie: Yeah.
• 9:45
  Cheryl: I just wiped myself out to where I wasn't important except how my children were and how I was doing, how I perceived it and then not even how well I was really doing.
• 9:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:58
  Cheryl: It was my perception of it.
• 10:00
  Cheryl: Or, my perception of what I thought everybody else thought of
• 10:05
  Christie: me.
• 10:05
  Christie: And sometimes there are people in your life who have opinions and make their, their viewpoints clear about how you're doing or how you're not doing as a parent.
• 10:16
  Christie: And that can just reiterate and validate all of those fears and
• 10:20
  Cheryl: concerns.
• 10:20
  Cheryl: And then I have to please that person.
• 10:22
  Cheryl: And so, oh, then I'm not right.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: And it's, I don't know.
• 10:25
  Cheryl: It's all striking at my identity.
• 10:27
  Christie: Or I think another way, too, is if you had certain things in your own childhood that you, that you want to shield your kids from and protect them from, you might become more vigilant in that area and hyper focused on those things.
• 10:42
  Christie: And then that feels like a win or a lose situation if those, those sore spots get kind of triggered in your own kids.
• 10:49
  Cheryl: Yeah, yeah What about this?
• 10:51
  Cheryl: Because of what I just talked about, did you all ever feel pressured to prove your parenting through your children's actions?
• 11:00
  Cheryl: Or were you able to separate that?
• 11:02
  Christie: Oh, yes, I struggled with that, for sure.
• 11:05
  Christie: Um, you know, I just, you know, I think I, I was, um, I don't even know what the word is for it, but when my kids were really young, I was, I was hyper focused on what I could do to give a good presentation.
• 11:21
  Christie: I needed the right colored bows, the matching outfits, the school choice, all the things I was needing to do a lot.
• 11:28
  Christie: Well, somewhere around Preteen years, things shift because then you have people who have a little more independence and I had less control and letting go of that control and letting them start making their own choices on how they fix their hair, what they choose to wear, the music they want to listen to, all of those things.
• 11:47
  Christie: things.
• 11:48
  Christie: And, you know, 13.
• 11:50
  Christie: Those are clumsy years.
• 11:52
  Christie: They're trying on a lot of hats.
• 11:54
  Christie: And I remember, yeah, really struggling with And
• 11:56
  Ellen: for girls, it sometimes starts around 11.
• 11:58
  Ellen: True.
• 11:59
  Christie: Oh, yeah.
• 12:00
  Cheryl: And even earlier now.
• 12:01
  Cheryl: Yeah, yeah, that's true.
• 12:02
  Christie: And so I, I remember thinking, you know, I have this dilemma.
• 12:07
  Christie: I want to let my child explore themselves and explore who they want to be.
• 12:13
  Christie: But people are seeing this, you know, it's very evident that I'm not stopping this outfit from leaving the house or I'm letting them part their hair like that or, you know, just those are little innocent things.
• 12:24
  Christie: But yeah, you feel like you're in a fishbowl sometimes as a parent.
• 12:28
  Ellen: Well I know as a, um, parent, Know, career, military wife.
• 12:31
  Ellen: I, my husband was career military.
• 12:33
  Ellen: We were always in a fishbowl.
• 12:34
  Ellen: That's true.
• 12:35
  Ellen: You really were.
• 12:35
  Ellen: And, and the more rank you have, the more of a fishbowl you are.
• 12:38
  Ellen: Oh.
• 12:38
  Ellen: Because everybody goes, oh, that's, that's the commander's wife.
• 12:42
  Ellen: Oh, wow.
• 12:42
  Ellen: Uhhuh That's, and Oh, that's true.
• 12:44
  Ellen: That's their kids.
• 12:45
  Ellen: Mm-Hmm.
• 12:45
  Ellen: You know, and so, and I can always remember p uh, ahead of us in, in rank, you know, anytime their kids did something, the whole squad knew.
• 12:56
  Ellen: Oh, wow.
• 12:56
  Ellen: You know, and so good or bad.
• 12:59
  Ellen: It was I mean, that's an absolute setup.
• 13:02
  Ellen: Yeah, and we lived on base housing most of our married life.
• 13:06
  Ellen: So that's another thing.
• 13:07
  Ellen: Everybody is seeing your kids.
• 13:09
  Ellen: It's not like you lived off base and commuted in.
• 13:12
  Ellen: So everybody knew, you know, The military community then was more like life was in the 60s, where everybody knew everybody, they stayed in the same neighborhood, oh, that's the Etzler kids, you know, and they would come and tell you if you're good, bad, or ugly, you know, that was always, wow, okay.
• 13:30
  Ellen: You know, that was already okay.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: Well, you said one word while I go, Christy, control.
• 13:36
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:36
  Cheryl: And I agree with you because I was a little bit okay if we were just inside of our house.
• 13:42
  Cheryl: Mm
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: hmm.
• 13:43
  Cheryl: It was kind of under control for me.
• 13:46
  Cheryl: But as we did more, and as they spread their wings, and I, I had less control like what you're talking about and, and going, Oh, this is a whole new ballgame.
• 13:59
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:59
  Cheryl: I would say what we're talking about middle school to high school.
• 14:03
  Cheryl: And I can remember, I had a group of friends, and they were younger children were all younger than mine and so my kids were that middle school, early teen years, and I realized I had to give them more freedom.
• 14:19
  Cheryl: I had to relinquish control.
• 14:22
  Cheryl: And they still had kind of the tidy years where they could superimpose their control more.
• 14:28
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:28
  Cheryl: And so they could get the identity they wanted out of it.
• 14:31
  Cheryl: Uh huh.
• 14:31
  Cheryl: And I remember one time we were out to dinner and they were talking about it and I was going, oh my goodness, my children are not walking where they are and they're making other choices.
• 14:40
  Cheryl: And I said, by the way, y'all, I think I'm going to get a sweatshirt that said, um, I didn't raise them to act like that.
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: And
• 14:49
  Cheryl: they all laughed But before we got together again, one more time, I was really convicted about that lack of grace i showed, and what disrespect I really showed towards my children.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: And look at that.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: That's my identity completely swamped in my children and blaming them for me having my identity misplaced Right.
• 15:08
  Cheryl: So when we got together, I go, y'all, that was so wrong of me.
• 15:12
  Cheryl: That is not true.
• 15:14
  Cheryl: And that was disrespectful to my children.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: Um, That's not who I want to be.
• 15:19
  Christie: What a great example you gave to these younger, parents.
• 15:22
  Christie: I know they weren't much younger than you, but younger on the parenting journey.
• 15:25
  Christie: Because I know on the other side of raising kids, I know you guys feel this way too, when I see a parent that is free enough to let their kids explore themselves and do new things, I champion them.
• 15:39
  Christie: I'm proud of them.
• 15:40
  Christie: You know, way, way to go letting her wear the stripes with the polka dots, you know, and that kind of thing, where on the front side.
• 15:47
  Christie: I know, I remember there was a family who had four kids and I just had my one and, um Weren't you the expert?
• 15:56
  Christie: Yes, I knew everything.
• 15:57
  Christie: And their, their fourth was the age of my oldest.
• 16:00
  Christie: Oh, wow.
• 16:00
  Christie: And so she had some song she was singing that it was, you know, a song for older children.
• 16:08
  Christie: And I just thought Oh, I cannot believe their little three, two year old or whatever it was knows that song and you know what, six years later, I've got four of my own and my, my little one is very exposed to what older sisters are doing and listening to, and I was humbled very quickly.
• 16:25
  Christie: Yes, your
• 16:26
  Ellen: youngest kid can sometimes be the most embarrassing.
• 16:29
  Ellen: They just pick up everything innocently and you're like, Oh,
• 16:33
  Christie: well, and it goes back to that loss of control.
• 16:35
  Christie: Right?
• 16:36
  Christie: The more kids you have, the less you can micromanage.
• 16:39
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:39
  Cheryl: Exactly.
• 16:41
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 16:41
  Cheryl: I'm just so glad y'all did it wrong, too.
• 16:45
  Cheryl: Self validating.
• 16:46
  Cheryl: Do you know anyone who thinks they did it right?
• 16:48
  Cheryl: I don't know anybody.
• 16:49
  Cheryl: So what are some of the specific dangers?
• 16:51
  Cheryl: Like if, if we've got listeners saying, Uh, I kind of am doing what you're talking about.
• 16:56
  Cheryl: What would y'all say are some of the concerns involved when our identity is wrapped up as parents and not as our own individuality We're already people pleasing
• 17:07
  Ellen: and that's a huge thing.
• 17:08
  Ellen: And then every time you try to people please, you wind up getting broken and your children wind up getting broken because we can't please everybody.
• 17:16
  Ellen: And you know, we talk about it like, Oh yeah, that's right.
• 17:18
  Ellen: You can't please everybody.
• 17:20
  Ellen: But deep down inside of us, we're thinking, well, yeah.
• 17:23
  Ellen: And it might not even be a conscious effort that we're trying to fit in and we're kind of encourage our kids to fit in.
• 17:30
  Ellen: And it winds up being a really negative thing.
• 17:33
  Cheryl: It is bad because people pleasing, you know, I'm, I'm pretty reformed, but you're right because I role modeled that for my children.
• 17:42
  Cheryl: You know, let's remember not to do this or let's be sure there's a place where what's a place.
• 17:48
  Cheryl: appropriate and I'm not talking about that, but just what you're talking about my projecting on my children, how they should behave to please the other people or the place where we were going.
• 18:00
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:01
  Cheryl: And what a bad role model I was because I'm setting my children up saying, Oh, the way you should do life is to be a people pleaser.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: But
• 18:10
  Cheryl: you're
• 18:10
  Ellen: telling them don't be a people pleaser, you know, but make sure you do all these.
• 18:16
  Ellen: Right.
• 18:16
  Christie: To make everyone around you happy.
• 18:18
  Christie: And sometimes the, the people you're trying to please is that phantom parent we're talking about.
• 18:23
  Christie: Where you have this imaginary standard that you're trying to prove yourself to.
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 18:29
  Christie: I think another danger is, um, uh, And, and this kind of feeds in off of that is the damage to the relationship between you and your kids.
• 18:38
  Christie: So like what?
• 18:38
  Christie: Expand on that.
• 18:39
  Christie: Well, when we're giving in all that people pleasing, we end up putting a lot of pressure on our kids to be something that they're not.
• 18:47
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:48
  Christie: Or, you know, something that we want them to be.
• 18:50
  Christie: And that, uh, Um, weight is a burden on them, which it could build, you know, bitterness towards you, or it can cause them to just conform and, and give in.
• 19:02
  Cheryl: I mean, look at the pressure.
• 19:05
  Cheryl: I just didn't realize it.
• 19:07
  Cheryl: The pressure that that puts on my children, that I get my self worth out of how they function.
• 19:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:16
  Cheryl: What a terrible thing, whether it's intellectual or physical.
• 19:20
  Cheryl: I mean, all the, all the Envy.
• 19:21
  Cheryl: Envy.
• 19:22
  Cheryl: Ranges of stuff.
• 19:23
  Cheryl: And either gifting or anything or, you know, how you love showing off your children in front of, it's Thanksgiving and all the family's there and you want your children to show off how wise they are and how they can do all this and listen to her read this.
• 19:38
  Cheryl: You're performing Von Trapp children.
• 19:41
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 19:41
  Cheryl: And what I'm doing is getting my self worth out of it.
• 19:45
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 19:45
  Cheryl: And what you're saying.
• 19:47
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:47
  Cheryl: What an emotional rollercoaster going up and down.
• 19:50
  Cheryl: Yeah, because on
• 19:50
  Ellen: the other hand, when they do the thing where the other parent had to go, Did you know your daughter just did this?
• 19:57
  Ellen: And you're like, Oh, okay.
• 19:59
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:59
  Ellen: So, you know, then when you're taking too much on, then you bear too much of the burden of sometimes your child just being childish or maybe doing something deliberately.
• 20:08
  Ellen: But that's the thing.
• 20:09
  Ellen: That's going to happen if you don't understand that there's going to be lots of times your children are going to inadvertently embarrass you because you're so wrapped up in it.
• 20:19
  Ellen: And that can be a really good sign too.
• 20:22
  Ellen: If you get overly embarrassed because your kid did something that you know deep in your heart was just a childish thing or maybe it was really wrong.
• 20:31
  Ellen: I'm not talking about, you know, rob a bank, I'm not talking about that kind of stuff.
• 20:34
  Ellen: Or they're imperfect.
• 20:35
  Ellen: Right.
• 20:35
  Ellen: Yes, being imperfect.
• 20:36
  Ellen: Maybe they were rude.
• 20:37
  Ellen: Maybe they hurt somebody's feelings and that child's crying and you have to think through that.
• 20:42
  Ellen: But if you How dare they be human.
• 20:43
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:44
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:45
  Cheryl: Look at the bondage that puts all of us.
• 20:47
  Cheryl: Everyone.
• 20:48
  Cheryl: I mean, the chains are all around.
• 20:50
  Cheryl: Yeah, it's all over me.
• 20:52
  Cheryl: It's over my children.
• 20:53
  Cheryl: It's over everybody in the room.
• 20:55
  Cheryl: It's just bondage.
• 20:57
  Cheryl: And you're right when you said about not being embarrassed.
• 21:00
  Cheryl: I can remember a long time ago, different.
• 21:03
  Cheryl: Mom's asked me questions and I said, I think I finally grew up as a parent and okay, I've passed, uh, the level of some maturity when I chose to care more about my children than my own personal embarrassment with their behavior or performance which is I quit trying to get my identity out of them.
• 21:24
  Cheryl: And embarrassment is a really good one.
• 21:26
  Cheryl: That's a good red flag.
• 21:28
  Cheryl: A red flag.
• 21:29
  Cheryl: That, uh, they're individuals.
• 21:31
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:32
  Ellen: And
• 21:32
  Cheryl: we're
• 21:33
  Ellen: free to be that.
• 21:33
  Ellen: Because some of the most, um, compliant of my children, actually, that's a really negative trait.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
• 21:41
  Ellen: Because they're not really expressing themselves.
• 21:43
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:43
  Ellen: Right.
• 21:43
  Ellen: They're just being compliant.
• 21:44
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:45
  Ellen: And then you find out when they're an adult, well, Mom, I really hated that.
• 21:47
  Ellen: Yes.
• 21:48
  Ellen: You know, sorry.
• 21:49
  Christie: But all you were concerned with was what people saw on the outside.
• 21:51
  Christie: Yes.
• 21:52
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:52
  Christie: I have a funny story.
• 21:53
  Christie: It's a story that happened kind of talking about this.
• 21:57
  Christie: We were at one of those kiosks in the mall where you can get your phone service, you know, phone company there.
• 22:02
  Christie: And my girls they were stair steps, four girls, stair steps, probably two up to nine.
• 22:09
  Christie: And I had just gotten really firm with them.
• 22:11
  Christie: Tim's trying to tend to the phone thing and they're getting antsy and I had them lined up, you know, and I'm holding the baby's hand.
• 22:18
  Christie: And she's about two and these ladies come and I'm just like, You know, ready to leave, so these ladies come walking down and they give us this sweet smile and I think, oh, they see my lovely, well behaved children that I just snapped at to get them all in line, you know, and I smile back thinking, oh, I'm just sitting here with these lovely, well behaved children and they see their cute bows and dresses and they just are smiling at that.
• 22:41
  Christie: Well, then I looked down at my two year old.
• 22:43
  Christie: She's got her dress up under her chin.
• 22:45
  Christie: Her nose is running.
• 22:46
  Christie: She's sucking her thumb.
• 22:47
  Christie: She's fully exposed.
• 22:49
  Christie: Just look a hideous sight.
• 22:50
  Christie: And that's what they're smiling at.
• 22:52
  Christie: And it was just one of those moments where I was so embarrassed that my pride was just plummeting to the, to the basement in that moment.
• 23:00
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:01
  Cheryl: Like we can develop resentment, you know, why aren't you the perfect?
• 23:06
  Cheryl: Yeah, right everything.
• 23:07
  Cheryl: What a good wake up moment.
• 23:08
  Cheryl: That was It's so hard.
• 23:11
  Cheryl: I silenced
• 23:12
  Ellen: a whole bank one time
• 23:14
  Cheryl: Tell us.
• 23:15
  Cheryl: One of my
• 23:15
  Ellen: children, we're standing in line and, um, I think, yeah, I was pregnant and it was my oldest son and he was still in diapers.
• 23:24
  Ellen: And so we finally got up to do my banking and it's the kind where you step up there and it's more like a shelf that sticks out and he could kind of go underneath it.
• 23:34
  Ellen: There wasn't anything but, you know.
• 23:35
  Ellen: I couldn't see him when he was under that.
• 23:38
  Ellen: So all of a sudden I just felt this weird Feeling I kind of looked around and everybody's kind of looking away and it's really quiet.
• 23:45
  Ellen: I didn't realize he had pulled his diaper down It was just standing there Of course all these you know on a military base.
• 23:55
  Ellen: There's a lot of military guys You know probably a lot of single guys that don't have kids around and they're all just like staring And I looked down and I just go Oh,
• 24:04
  Christie: oh, well, that's the thing you, you endure enough of those moments.
• 24:09
  Christie: Yes, throughout parenting that you realize, yes, it does humble you and keeps your perspective.
• 24:15
  Cheryl: Okay, so.
• 24:16
  Cheryl: we're out of time, and all we do is talk about how hard it is about our identity of as parents and how it's all wrapped up in our kids and that struggle and why we get there.
• 24:29
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 24:29
  Cheryl: How about if we come in next time and let's talk positively, all right?
• 24:34
  Cheryl: What would we say?
• 24:35
  Cheryl: How do we not do what the three of us do?
• 24:37
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:38
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's good.
• 24:38
  Cheryl: How do we swim out of this?
• 24:39
  Cheryl: You want to?
• 24:40
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 24:40
  Cheryl: That sounds good.
• 24:41
  Cheryl: Oh, good.
• 24:41
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:42
  Cheryl: So, parents, hang in there.
• 24:44
  Cheryl: Keep loving.
• 24:45
  Cheryl: Keep persevering, because it's worth it.
• 24:54
  Speaker 3: Thanks for joining me today as we explore the tricky but essential conversation about holding onto your identity as a person, even in the midst of parenting.
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: Here's a thought to carry with you.
• 25:09
  Speaker 3: Parenting is a chapter in your life, not the title of your book this week.
• 25:16
  Speaker 3: Challenge yourself to write one sentence.
• 25:20
  Speaker 3: In your internal life story, just for you, take a moment to separate your value from how your children value you.
• 25:30
  Speaker 3: reform, respond, or react, or how you think others perceive them or your parenting.
• 25:40
  Speaker 3: Whatever it looks like, let it be a step towards rediscovering your unique, worthy self.
• 25:48
  Speaker 3: We'd love to hear from you.
• 25:50
  Speaker 3: Drop us a line at contact at theparentingpodcast.
• 25:54
  Speaker 3: com or DM us on social media.
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: Remember, Parenting can stretch us, but it doesn't define us.
• 26:04
  Speaker 3: Hold tight to the truth that who you are is worth celebrating, nurturing, and investing in every single day.