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Pulling Away from Social Gravity: How to Resist the Continual Tug Toward Average · The No Cry Zone

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: What should we do for four?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: What should we do before the world?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Your guest is as good as mine.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, let's play with their mind and pretend and pretend on our end.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_02: That everything is just fine.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the No Cry Zone for a more precise take on life.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: I am Jim Best.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're focusing on the force yanking you towards average.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: It is social gravity.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: We'll have two parts.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: First the issue, and then the solve.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you've heard and read all about the AI doomsday prophecy.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: How could that happen?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Why would they do it?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: How can we prevent it?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: All serious questions, and we've got to work collaboratively towards a solution to avoid that, and even several of the other smaller catastrophes that can happen when people aren't paying enough attention to unanticipated consequences.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, our intro song today, What Should We Do Before the World Ends by Brazen Candor, takes a bit more practical look at the issue.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Certainly not meant to make light of the subject, but a little humor never hurts, does it?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Let me start with the question we talked about two weeks ago.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: What are you excited about lately?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's a simple question, but a great way to get people talking.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And listen to what happens when somebody answers honestly.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm starting a business, they may say.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm writing a book.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting back in shape.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: I think I could really be good at this.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Some people light up with them.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Others immediately reach for the brakes.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Don't get ahead of yourself.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: Be realistic.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Must be nice to have that kind of time.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And my favorite delivered with the warmth of a parking ticket.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Stay humble.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: That is what we look at as social gravity.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's the pull that brings a person back towards the level that feels familiar to everybody else, to the people around them.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody has to announce a conspiracy.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just a raised eyebrow, a little joke or a change of subject can do the work.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now gravity itself is an evil, it keeps your feet on the ground.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: We need connection, honest feedback, and a sensible reading of reality, don't we?
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: But when every attempt to grow meets the same downward tug, we should pay attention to the direction of the force.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Social gravity often draws us towards three words average, mediocrity, and humble.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: They sound related, but they aren't identical.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: Average is a measurement.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: If five people run a mile, there will be an average time.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: No insult is required.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can be average at chest, exceptional at listening, and still learning how to cook dinner without setting off the smoke alarm.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Averages describe a group.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: They don't issue instructions to an individual.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yet we hear average used as a detonation.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Most people don't do that.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: But why should most people decide what I intempt?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Most people weren't born knowing how to play guitar, lead a team, or make a good marriage work.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Their current level tells me very little about my next move.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I shouldn't pay that much attention to being average, should I?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Mediocrity is different.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: To me, it's what happens when we repeatedly settle for less care, effort, or honesty than we're capable of giving.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about a rough Tuesday or a modest goal or someone who chooses a quiet life.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can live quietly and do it beautifully.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Mediocrity is the moment you know a little more is called for and decide that trying would be too uncomfortable.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's humble.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Real humility is useful.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: It lets you learn, it lets you admit I got that wrong.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: It lets you be a little more open-minded, it lets you appreciate another's gift without needing to diminish your own.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can say they're really good at that, aren't they?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: But be humble can also become a social instruction.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Don't mention what you want, don't let us see how much this matters to you.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Don't act as though you could be become more than we expect.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's not humility.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's asking you to make yourself smaller to make someone else feel comfortable.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Think about a friend who says, I want to run my first half marathon.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: One person says, That's terrific.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: What's your plan?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Another says, Why put yourself through that?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: You're fine as you are.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: So much work.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: The second person may care deeply about your friend.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: They may also be trying to preserve a familiar arrangement.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: If your friend changes, their own choices become harder to ignore, don't they?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's one reason social gravity works so well.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want to lose our people.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Belonging is powerful.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you start improving, you may worry that your old crowd will think you're judging them.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're too good for them.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: So you soften your goal.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: You be low key about it.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: You add a joke after you say it.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: You call the thing you care about just a little project, just something I thought I would try.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: We'll see what happens.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: You rehearse an apology before anyone has even objected to it.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I know that move.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of us do.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: We lower our own voice so nobody else has to.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And there's another reason a shared habit makes everyone feel normal.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Suppose the group complains about work every Friday, but nobody applies for another position, asks for training, or proposes a change.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: You say, I think I'll do something about it.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Suddenly you're interrupting the ritual.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: You're breaking away from the group.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's not going to be popular.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: They were looking for agreement, and you brought a plan that benefits you.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: They may even call you selfish.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: You might hear, there you go again, trying to fix everything, looking out for yourself.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you can't fix everything.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: You can still do one effective thing.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the point.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: The pull of social gravity can come from people you admire too.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: A parent who once protected you from disappointment may keep using the same advice when you're 60.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: A capable boss may praise your reliability every time you do the safe thing and go quiet when you propose something ambitious.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Their care or their experience doesn't make every limit they set a limit that you need to accept and live by.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And to be fair, sometimes the person applying to pressure is you.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: We carry old voices inside of us.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: We say, Who am I to try?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: before anyone else gets the chance to say it.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: We call that realism.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just being realistic.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't met anybody that's ever said, I like to be unrealistic all the time.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: We all think we're realistic.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: We just have a different perspective often.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's just social gravity working from the inside when we keep ourselves back.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: So here's a distinction I want you to take into the break.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: You can be grateful for your life without deciding that you must stop growing.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can be modest about what you've accomplished while being bold about what you're attempting next.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: No one gets to turn an average into your ceiling.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: No one gets to sell you mediocrity as peace of mind.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to confuse humility with hiding or shrinking yourself.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: In part two, we'll get practical.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: How do you recognize that pull of social gravity?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Keep the relationships that matter, and create your own momentum, anyways.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's really important because we've got maximum momentum day coming up, September 30th.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: So come on back after the break.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: What do we do before the world?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_02: How will it happen at all day?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_02: If it all comes to hell, we'll need those thirty days.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: We've named social gravity, the pressure to return to the level that feels comfortable to the people around us.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Also be aware that social gravity is not simply a force exerted by the people around us.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: We get it from the media, social media, advertising.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: It is virtually nonstop.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's just smart to be aware of it so that it does not bend you into a person you don't want to be or push you into places you would rather not go.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now, since we're aware of the likelihood of us being exposed to it, let's talk about resisting social gravity.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: First, check the force before you fight it.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: When someone questions your ambition, ask, are they pointing out a real risk or just reacting to an unfamiliar version of me?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: A real risk comes with something you can examine.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, you need six months of savings before leaving your job.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Or your knees have been hurting, ask a professional before adding more miles to your training regimen.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's useful.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can test it and adjust your plan.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: But a reflexive put down sounds different.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: People like us don't do that.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Who do you think you are?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: Don't make such a big deal out of it.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Don't take yourself so seriously.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Those statements tell you more about somebody's comfort than about your capability.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Second, get specific.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Social gravity loves a vague ambition because it's easy to lap off.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to change my life.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Invites an argument about your whole identity.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to write for 30 minutes before breakfast four days this week.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Gives you an action.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need the room's permission to take it.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: This is where my personal momentum engine comes in mind.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Mindset, focus, effective action, habits, all for being a net positive.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: The mindset is I can create my own momentum.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Focus asks toward what?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Effective action means doing something that actually moves you, even if it's small.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Habits keep you from having to win the same argument with yourself every morning.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: And being a net positive asks whether your growth improves your life and the lives that you touch.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: It gives you a greater purpose.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Notice that last part.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Resisting social gravity is not a license to bulldoze people.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can be ambitious and considerate.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can change your habits without announcing that everyone who hasn't changed is a fool.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can love your friends without asking them to vote on every decision that you make.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Some of it's simply not their business.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Third point, choose the right audience for an early idea.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: A seed doesn't need a panel of critics, it needs enough light and water to get started.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Tell the person who asks a useful question.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Find a friend who can say that sounds difficult.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: What's step one?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can invite tougher criticism when there is something solid to improve.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: But give yourself a chance to get going.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean collecting cheerleaders who tell you every idea is brilliant.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's just another sort of trap.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Look for people who want the truth and want you to succeed.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: The best feedback helps you improve the work.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't merely remind you to know your place.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Fourth point, learn a calm answer to when somebody says stay humble.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a speech.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: Try something like I intend to keep learning and I'm excited about this.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Or I might fail, but it's worth a try.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: You're acknowledging uncertainty without apologizing for your initiative.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: The same goes for be realistic.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can say something like, I am, that's why I'm making a plan.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: If someone has a concrete concern, hear it.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: If the conversation keeps circling back to their discomfort, you can stop presenting your case.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Your time belongs in the work.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Fifth point, watch what you call yourself.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: I hear people say, I just want to be average.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to stick out.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: As though a statistical comparison were a permanent identity.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're average today in the very thing you want to improve.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's fine.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Now you have a starting point.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Being a beginner is a condition, not a verdict.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want an ordinary life, enjoy it.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Ordinary isn't an insult.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: A person can take excellent care of family, do dependable work, and find enormous joy in the local neighborhood.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's if you want those things.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: But if you don't want those things, then you have to resist the call to be normal.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not recruiting you into somebody else's definition of success.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's entirely up to you.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm asking you to notice when your own priorities are being negotiated away to keep others comfortable, or when your own priorities are being sacrificed or compromised to make somebody else happy.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sixth point, allow relationships to change and grow.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: You may be the person everyone counts on to say yes, or you may be the person that everyone counts on to complain with them.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: But keep your ambitions prior private.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you start saying no to one thing and yes to another, some people will need time to adjust.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Give them that time when you can.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: You don't owe anyone a permanent version of yourself.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to be locked into who they perceive you are today.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Here's a useful test.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: When you share progress, does this person become curious even if they're surprised?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or do they repeatedly pull the conversation back to why you should stop?
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: One awkward comment is human.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: A pattern of comments tells you where to place your energy.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: Probably not with that person.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, practice humility as a strength, not as a shrinker.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Say, I don't know yet.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: Ask for help.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Give credit freely.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Admit when your first attempt wasn't that good.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Then go back and make the next attempt better.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: None of these acts require you to renounce your ambition or apologize.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: I think of a person trying to paddle upstream.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: They don't need to declare war on the river.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: They'd need to understand the current, steer deliberately, and become a better paddler.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: Some days they'll make a lot of progress, some days they're holding their position.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: What matters is that they keep choosing their direction.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: So one question before we go now.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: Where have you been calling the poll being humble when it is really fear of standing out?
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Pick one small action that belongs to your own direction.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: Write the page, make the call, ask for the opportunity, begin the practice.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: Let somebody be surprised.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can stay kind and still take the action you want to take.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Average may describe where you are in a group today.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't decide what you can learn tomorrow.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, mediocrity is a choice you can decline.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: One effective action at a time.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: And humility, the real thing, the real humility, will help you grow without needing to pretend you haven't grown, without talking yourself down, shrinking your accomplishments.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Jim Best.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is the No Cry Zone for a sharper take on life.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: Subscribe to Upwards Best.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: We've got some new characters.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Connie the coworker, Kenny the neighbor, joining Jack Hence, Executive Frog, Cobb, that cranky old so-and-so, kayak Jack, and of course, Catalina Eddie.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Follow us on Facebook or Instagram.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And check out Brazen Candor Radio on Spotify.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Lastly, aspire, be willing, no waiting.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: Come upwards with us.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Help yourself to another great week.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Make like a racket and pull away from that social gravity.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you join me next week.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_02: Let's get just four.