Latest / The IDEA SANDWICH Podcast / That’s Not What I Meant!
Transcript
- Ara Topouzian: When you're communicating something that you know you want somebody to understand, sometimes what you're thinking you're communicating isn't necessarily what you're actually communicating, because the communication you intended to communicate might be understood differently than the way you understood it when you communicated it. Assuming, of course, that what you communicated was actually what you intended to communicate in the first place. Confused? Well, good, because that's pretty much what we're going to be talking about today. How often do we actually communicate what we think we're communicating? Because there's what you intend to say, there's what you actually say, and then there's what the other person actually hears. And those can be three completely different things. We tend to judge ourselves by our intentions. We know what we meant. We know what was going through our head. We know the point we're trying to make, but nobody else has access to any of that. They only have what actually comes out of our mouth. And that's where intent and impact can become two very different things. You might intend to sound confident, but come across as arrogant. You might intend to be direct, but come across as dismissive. You might actually be trying to demonstrate your expertise and end up sounding like you're the only person in the room who has the answer. or maybe you're on a sales call and you're so excited about what you're selling that you spend 20 minutes explaining everything you can do. Your intent is good, you're enthusiastic, you're trying to help. But the person on the other end might be thinking, this person hasn't asked me a single question about what I actually need. That's impact. And I don't think this is just a leadership issue in the traditional sense of being someone's boss. We show up as leaders all the time. You can lead a meeting without being the person in charge. You can lead a conversation, a sales call. You can be presenting an idea to a board. Talking with a client, negotiating something, interviewing for a job, or networking with someone you just met. In all of those situations, there's something you intend to communicate. The question is, is that actually what the other person is receiving? And I think one of the biggest reasons intent and impact don't match is actually pretty simple. We're not always as clear as we think we are. And clarity does matter. And sometimes we're talking so quickly that our mouth gets ahead of our brain. Yes, we're all guilty of mouth running faster than our brain. We're formulating the next thought while we're still delivering the current one. And because we know where we're trying to go, we assume everybody else is following us. Meanwhile, the person listening is three exits behind us. Our brain needs to move. Faster than our mouth. Remember the podcast episode where I talk about people using "uhs" when they're speaking? Well, that's the brain's way of pausing our speech so that our brains actually get caught up. And that means sometimes you just need to slow down. Sometimes you need to stop talking. Sometimes you need to pause. Pauses are interesting because when you're the person speaking, two seconds of silence. Can feel like an eternity. You start thinking, I got something to say. Well, no, you don't. Take the two seconds. Actually, think. What am I actually trying to say? There's nothing wrong with collecting your thoughts before you speak. In fact, I think it can make you sound more confident because clarity isn't about how quickly you can answer something. It's about whether the answer you give actually communicates what you're trying to communicate. Think about meetings. How many meetings have you all been in where someone talks for five minutes and when they're finished, you're sitting there thinking, I'm not actually sure what they just said. And sometimes that person is us. We just don't know it. We confuse more words with greater clarity. So we explain something. We don't think it's landing. And so what do we do? We explain it again with more words. And then we add an example. And then maybe we add another example. And pretty soon the simple point we were trying to make has disappeared underneath six minutes of explanation. Sometimes the most effective thing you can do is stop and ask yourself what's the one thing I want this person to walk away understanding? That's a question I think is worth asking before any important conversation. If you're walking into a meeting, what's the one thing you want people to understand when that meeting is over? If you're making a sales call, what do you want the prospective client to understand? If you're presenting an idea, what's the actual idea? Not the 14 supporting points. What's the idea? Because if you Don't know what you want someone to take away from a conversation, there's a pretty good chance they won't know either. And here's another piece of this communication isn't just the words, your delivery becomes part of the message. Your tone and pace matter, your facial expression matters. Whether you're looking at the person matters, whether you're checking your phone while they're talking matters. you can say all the right words and still communicate something completely different. think about somebody saying that's a great idea. That's a great idea or that's a great idea. Same four words, very different message. And this is where impact Gets complicated because you might say, Well, that's not how I intended it. Okay, well, I believe you, but that doesn't necessarily change how it landed. Well, that's not what I meant, is probably one of the most common defenses we use when communication goes bad. And sometimes it's completely legitimate. But I think there's a better question. Instead of immediately saying, Well, that's not what I intended to say. Instead of immediately saying that's not what I meant, maybe ask, Well, what did you hear? That's a very different conversation because now you're curious. what you intended and what they experienced. Maybe they misunderstood you, or maybe you weren't as clear as you thought you were. That's possible too. And I think good leaders and good communicators have to be willing to entertain that possibility. Not every misunderstanding is somebody else's fault. At the same time, we can't walk around analyzing every sentence we say and worrying about how every person might possibly interpret it. That's not realistic either. you cannot control every person's reaction. You cannot guarantee that everyone Will interpret your words exactly the way you intended them. But you can become more aware of patterns. If one person misunderstands something you said, maybe that's a misunderstanding. If five people misunderstand the same thing you said, you might want to look at how you're saying it. That's self awareness. And self awareness is a huge part of how we show up as leaders. Think about how you describe yourself. I'm direct. Okay. Do other people experience you as direct or do they experience you as abrasive? I'm passionate. Well, great. Do other people experience passion or do they experience someone who dominates every conversation? I'm a great listener. Would the people around you say that? I'm very hands-off. Maybe you're giving people autonomy, or maybe they think you're unavailable. There is intent. And then there is impact. And neither one necessarily tells the entire story. What we're really trying to do is get them closer together. If my intention is to make someone feel heard, I want my behavior to actually make them feel heard. If my intention is to communicate confidence, I want to make sure I'm not communicating arrogance. If my intention is to give someone room to contribute. I want to make sure my silence isn't being interpreted as indifference. And sometimes the easiest way to figure that out is just ask, was I clear? What did you take away from that? I want to make sure I'm explaining this correctly. I actually like that last one because notice where the responsibility goes. I'm not asking, do you understand? Because do you understand can sound like the problem is you. I want to make sure I'm explaining this clearly. Says maybe the responsibility is mine, and that's an important distinction. Being understood is at least partly our responsibility. So maybe the next time you're walking into an important meeting, making a sales call, having a difficult conversation, giving a presentation, or just talking with somebody, think about these two things. What's what's my intent? And what's likely to be my impact. And then slow down enough to make sure the two have a fighting chance of matching. Because sometimes the problem isn't that people aren't listening to us. The problem is that we're assuming we've been clear. We spend a lot of time thinking about what we want to say. Maybe we should spend a little more time thinking about what we want someone else to hear. Because somewhere between what you intended to say and what somebody else actually experienced, that's where the communication really happens. And maybe that's how we need to think about showing up as leaders. Not just what did I say, but what did I leave behind? This is Ara Topouzian Thank you for listening.