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What is your relationship status....Mother/Daughter relationships...How hard is it raising a daughte · Black Girl Interrupted Podcast

• 0:10
  What's good. Hey, y'all, welcome to another episode of Black Girl Interrupted.
• 0:17
  It's sugar actually and all hope everybody has had a great week. My
• 0:23
  week has been fantastic so far these last couple of days. I won't complain,
• 0:29
  but for the most part, tonight's episode, we're talking about relationships.
• 0:33
  We're gonna keep the relationship thing going, but tonight we're gonna talk about mother
• 0:37
  daughter relationships. So before I even proceed and jump into anything, I definitely
• 0:43
  want to see I love you, guys. I definitely appreciate all the love,
• 0:49
  all the support that you guys have shown me these last couple of episodes.
• 0:54
  Thank you for all the follows again, continue to love, like,
• 0:58
  subscribe, share, let everybody know. Come high at your Girl Every Tuesday
• 1:02
  night, eight pm Central Time, nine pm EAS sometime where we talk about
• 1:07
  all the interruptions that go into being a black woman in America. So I
• 1:11
  really kind of want to fart off the show a little different before I go
• 1:14
  any further. All Right, So I want to give a shout out to
• 1:19
  my girl Alison. Alison tragically passed away last night. Don't know the details,
• 1:27
  but I definitely want to say Allison, we love you. You're definitely
• 1:32
  gonna be missed, and also want to say who who who that because she
• 1:38
  was a dial Heart safe fan, Dialhart l s U fan. I love
• 1:42
  your girl. I'm definitely gonna miss all the conversations mean you had, but
• 1:48
  keeping them tapping up there and keep loving them. Say so, Alison,
• 1:53
  I'm gonna give you just a moment, a moment of silence. You know,
• 1:57
  anybody that's tuning in, show some love to my girl. If you
• 2:00
  guys follow her own Facebook, they do have a go fund me page set
• 2:04
  up. The family is trying to collect money for her burial services, So
• 2:08
  Alison, I will be donating money to help get your bury. Hey,
• 2:15
  so let me go ahead and give her moment of silence, and then we're
• 2:19
  gonna just jump right on into the conversation tonight, Love your all. You
• 2:25
  are definitely definitely definitely gonna be missed, sweetheart, love your girl. Alright,
• 2:32
  alright, so definitely definitely want to jump on me so tonight. Again,
• 2:38
  as I stated, we are talking about mother's daughter relationships. So this
• 2:46
  is something that's gonna be dear to me tonight because I'm definite relationship with my
• 2:52
  daughter as well as my son. But tonight I just want to focus on
• 2:55
  my daughter, not to take away from my son, but tonight and I
• 3:00
  definitely want to you know, jump on in and talk about me and my
• 3:02
  daughter. So the first question for tonight is what is a healthy mother daughter
• 3:08
  relationship? You know, if anybody can chime in, give me your input.
• 3:14
  Definitely want to say what's up? T oh, yeah, don't forget
• 3:17
  go follow my brother Terror Artists for All for if you do sublife love subscribing
• 3:23
  his page is a gaming page. Also to some of my fosting fans that
• 3:28
  do follow me, that do tune in, don't forget it, excuse me
• 3:32
  follow him and if in Atlanta Falcon's Nation. Once I'm able to post again
• 3:38
  on Facebook, I will post all the links. So shout out to Terror
• 3:42
  Artists for All for love your tonio, love your keys. Thank you guys
• 3:46
  again followed another support that you guys continue to share and show me. So
• 3:52
  jumping back again, what is a healthy mother daughter relationship? You know,
• 3:55
  comments are welcome. Would love to see what people think. But to me,
• 4:00
  I think a healthy mother daughter relationship is healthy communication, love, availability.
• 4:08
  And while I say availability, you have to be available to your daughter.
• 4:12
  You know, let's them know that you're there, not just physically there,
• 4:15
  but you need to be there for them mentally, emotionally, you know,
• 4:18
  spiritually, because teenagers, especially raising a black daughter is very difficult at
• 4:24
  times. I'm not saying any other races don't go through it, but I
• 4:29
  know with my daughter, our relationship does need to be prepared. To share
• 4:35
  my story, it started maybe about maybe seven years ago. I used to
• 4:43
  live in Houston, and I had a very trying relationship with my mom,
• 4:47
  you know, argue, you know, we did all of it, and
• 4:54
  it finally got to need to get off the roller coaster ride. It was
• 4:58
  like it was like, who's gonna be hold up? My daughter is joining
• 5:06
  the conversation. Hold on, wait a minute. Oh, I'm trying to
• 5:14
  get her in. Oh there she goes. Hey, Hi, hey,
• 5:24
  book, I'm good. Well, I thank you for joining the conversation tonight.
• 5:31
  You're welcome. I appreciate you joining. So the first question that I
• 5:36
  have up here Jamari owing for those who don't that don't know, that's my
• 5:41
  daughter, Jamari. That's my girl, and you just see that's that's my
• 5:46
  booth day. Hey girl, Hi, did you finish your homework. You
• 5:55
  finish your homework, girl, all right, I'm proud of you. So
• 6:00
  one of the questions that I have posted right now, Jamari, is what
• 6:03
  is a healthy mother daughter relationship? Like in your words, what do you
• 6:08
  feel is a healthy mother daughter relationship? I don't know. I just think
• 6:16
  that it's about you know, communication basically of course, and like basically in
• 6:27
  time with him, my guests. I don't know, that's just I feel
• 6:30
  that could be wrong, but that's just how I think. No, because
• 6:33
  no answer is a wrong answer. So let me ask you this. You
• 6:38
  know, not don't put you on a spot, but you know you are
• 6:41
  my guests because I tager so like honestly, like, do you think our
• 6:47
  relationship, the relationship that me and you have, do you think it's healthy?
• 6:54
  Mhm, But we're gonna we're working on that though. So before we
• 7:00
  ever cry to night girl, And I'm not trying to get emotional tonight,
• 7:03
  but you know, as as I was saying, now that my daughter is
• 7:10
  online, this is definitely a way for me, her to communicate me away
• 7:15
  from me and her to rebuild and rebuild, you know, rebuild and repair
• 7:20
  our broken relationship. And one of the hardest things in maintaining a healthy mother
• 7:27
  daughter relationship is accountability. You know, we as parents, we don't hold
• 7:30
  ourselves accountable for a lot of the things that we do or have done to
• 7:35
  our children. We don't do that. So definitely hold up. Wait a
• 7:41
  minute, I think we gotta Oh, somebody is speaking to you. You're
• 7:55
  thing we look, I see woll see it now like now that I see
• 8:01
  sid this hill. Yeah, we do. And then you know you tied
• 8:05
  up and I'm tied up to so I do see that he keis thank you
• 8:11
  for tuning in tonight. So I think a healthy So let me back up.
• 8:18
  So I think one of the reasons that our relationship is not healthy is
• 8:24
  you know, as I stated before, as I started to share my story,
• 8:26
  you know, me and my mom have a real broken relationship. And
• 8:30
  you know, I gotten to a point where we argued with you know,
• 8:33
  fuss and fighting everything. So at some point somebody had to get off of
• 8:39
  that roller coaster Ryan, you know. And you know, as I tried
• 8:43
  to explain to my children, I didn't leave them, I just left the
• 8:48
  situation. You know, I had to get k me together. You know,
• 8:52
  I was not healthy enough have a great relationship with my children. It
• 8:58
  wasn't that I didn't love my children. I just didn't know how to.
• 9:01
  So, you know, I think one of the things you know that I
• 9:05
  sayd in regards to a healthy mother daughter relationship is that love. You know,
• 9:11
  you have to be available to them. Accountability definitely open up the lines
• 9:16
  of communication. You can't be dismissive, you know, when it comes to
• 9:20
  your children when they come and they have issues, you know, and I'm
• 9:26
  guilty of being very dismissive of the way that my children felt. And I
• 9:30
  didn't think about them at the time when I left. It was just about
• 9:35
  me. It was like, you know what, I've got to get out
• 9:37
  of this situation. I was tired. I was tired of the fussing,
• 9:41
  the fighting, the argument. I was tired of the police being called on
• 9:45
  me. So I now hold myself accountable for not being able to maintain that
• 9:52
  healthy mother daughter relationship with my children. Although I was there financially and somewhat
• 9:58
  physically, my children needed me physically there, you know, not just me
• 10:03
  come to town once or twice whatever month. It'd be two or three months
• 10:09
  before they see me. You know. The video chat was never enough.
• 10:11
  So Jamara, if you don't mind, can you just kind of maybe give
• 10:18
  a bad story on how our relationship became broken. M Okay, Well,
• 10:33
  when I was like kind of younger, I would say, well, I
• 10:37
  didn't know much, but now I kind of know some, but I'm still
• 10:39
  learning somewhere because you know, and and kind of you know, I'm too
• 10:50
  nervously, too nervous, but it's just a just imagine me and you having
• 10:56
  a one on one conversation. It just no cameras, nothing, just no
• 11:00
  life, no audience, just you know, me and you. Okay,
• 11:05
  So, like I said, when I was younger, like you know,
• 11:07
  like everything happened as my mom said with her and my grandmother and that,
• 11:13
  and you know, like yeah, my brother was kind of like in between
• 11:20
  that kind of well I don't know, but you know, ever since like
• 11:26
  we got like me and my brother got older, and like I would barely
• 11:30
  see my mom like every day, and that would hurt because I always felt
• 11:33
  like that she left me, like left me and my brother and I don't
• 11:41
  know, I just felt like abandoned to as well, and it felt like
• 11:46
  that she didn't love me. So yeah, because basically what I know now
• 11:56
  and I'm thinking gold on and the more we talk and start, I'm very
• 12:09
  hopeful for our relationship. And I said I was not gonna get emotional,
• 12:16
  but it's too late. But I wanted me in my relationship with you.
• 12:22
  You know, I was at a point in my life that I didn't know
• 12:26
  how to love, so I couldn't love you. Got I couldn't love him,
• 12:33
  No, And I take accountability for it because I should have been the
• 12:39
  mother that I knew I could be. I should have been a mother to
• 12:43
  you that y'all wanted me to be. But because I didn't know, and
• 12:48
  because I wasn't really all over the place, I couldn't be that mother.
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  You know what I'm saying. So I want you to know what I'm gonna
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  tell you this today on my darkest days. You to Corey and Chase have
• 13:05
  always been my life always, regardless of what kind of thing I was having,
• 13:13
  I always sound a way to make you all my life. I always
• 13:18
  did. I've always loved you. No, I was not ready to be
• 13:22
  a mother in the beginning, you know, I wasn't. I wanted to
• 13:28
  party, I wanted to club. I just wanted to do ashally and I
• 13:33
  and I never thought how disaffected my children, you know what I'm saying.
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  So that's accountability that I'm taking for myself and owning and saying I made a
• 13:48
  mistake, or I won't say a mistake. I could have handled it better.
• 13:54
  I feel like the more I withheld things from y'all, the better it
• 13:58
  would have been. But now, you know, looking back, I really
• 14:03
  think I should have been more open. Again. There was no communication.
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  So like you said, you didn't know. You didn't know if I loved
• 14:11
  you. You didn't know if I even cared. And that's that's, you
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  know, an issue on my part is that I never had those lines of
• 14:20
  communication open again. I was very dismissive of the way you felt or the
• 14:24
  way your brother felt. You know. It was almost like, ohhen,
• 14:28
  y'all gonna understand. You know, I'll tell y'all when y'all get older.
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  But I should have started young. And as much as I wanted y'all with
• 14:35
  me, I was not I was never in need. You know, I
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  wanted y'all with me every day. It hurt me every day that I didn't
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  see y'all or I wasn't able to hug and love and nurture y'all. Like
• 14:50
  a mother was supposed to. You know what I'm saying, So again,
• 14:54
  I take accountability for that. And that was one of the hardest things that
• 14:58
  I had to do, was to go and in the mirror and say,
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  you know what, Ashley, you got to hold yourself accountable for the way
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  your children feel about me. That was a hard thing for me to do.
• 15:07
  That was a hard thing for me to accept and say, you know
• 15:11
  what, I'm the cause of this. You know what I'm saying, and
• 15:18
  I apologize for that. I am taking all the necessary steps that we can
• 15:24
  to rebuild our relationship because you're You're me, I'm you. You know you
• 15:28
  come for me, I come from you. You know everything We're just I
• 15:33
  want that bomb back with my children. I really honestly do. And that's
• 15:37
  that's the honest truth. I tell you that every day that you know I
• 15:43
  love you. That's why I try to hug on you and kiss on you
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  as much as I can to know I'm here. I'm not going. I'm
• 15:50
  not leaving. No, I'm not leaving again until the ball I say it's
• 15:54
  time for me to go. So I'm here. So I made that declaration
• 15:58
  tonight. Your Mom's not going nowhere, even when you're even when you're graduated
• 16:04
  and you go off to college, I'm still here, baby, you know
• 16:08
  what I'm saying. So thank you. You know, keeps saying says told
• 16:23
  me to tell you, don't be nervous. We need this. You know,
• 16:30
  it's time. You know, it's it's time for us to have you
• 16:33
  know, that conversation. It's really time. You know, it's long overdue.
• 16:41
  It's a conversation that you know, we just I guess we're somewhat just
• 16:45
  we swept it under the rough for too long, and I it's time.
• 16:53
  So that girl leads me on to our next question. I know a lot
• 17:03
  of people are like, oh my god, what does that work? And
• 17:06
  en mess mother daughter relationship. So me of people that are like, what
• 17:12
  in the hell is she's talking about? Where the hell did this word come
• 17:17
  from? And it mess mother daughter relationship. That's mothers that try to live
• 17:22
  through their children. David, When I tell you, I see this far
• 17:29
  too often when mothers try to live their lives through their daughters because they're trying
• 17:33
  to make up for what they didn't do at seventeen or eighteen or twenty five
• 17:41
  or whatever. You know, the daughter is more successful than the mother.
• 17:45
  So the mother tries to live through the daughter. So I'm gonna say that
• 17:49
  I'm trying to live through you, Jamari iz so javerticum. Then she says
• 18:00
  she's happy that you two are working towards y'all's relationship. Absolutely again, it's
• 18:07
  time. It's past time, you know, that's not you know. I'm
• 18:18
  happy, you know we're we're here today. I'm so happy that I came
• 18:23
  back and I'm able to see you walk across the stage this coming year two
• 18:30
  thousand class for twenty twenty one. My baby's graduating from life. I'm sad
• 18:37
  because I missed some of the most important times in her life. I'm sad
• 18:42
  that I missed a lot of the times that she needed me the most.
• 18:47
  I wasn't there a lot of the times that you needed me the most.
• 18:49
  But I don't want to dwell on the past. I want to focus on
• 18:53
  today and fault. You know. I'm ready to be not right now,
• 18:59
  though, but I want to be a mother, grand babies or grand baby
• 19:06
  whatever, how a many I have so I could love them, you know.
• 19:11
  But for going back to an in mother daughter relationship again, that's mothers
• 19:15
  that you know, trying to live through their daughters. It's not healthy to
• 19:21
  do it that way. Gosh, there's so many things that we could just
• 19:26
  go on and on and on and on and on about. I won't say
• 19:30
  that, sorry. I think at one point I really tried to I guess
• 19:41
  more so instead of trying to be your mom, I really try to be
• 19:44
  a friend. And I will say that that has messed us up, you
• 19:49
  know, because you didn't you needed your mom. So sharing your story,
• 19:57
  let me ask you to do you feel like that I've tried to live through
• 20:03
  you, like I've tried to push you to be like me or you know,
• 20:07
  I want to know. I want to hear your your your version and
• 20:11
  your few living through me. I kind of feel that you were because,
• 20:18
  like like you said, you didn't get an opportunity to like experience like stuff
• 20:22
  like that. But yeah, wait, wait what was the other question I
• 20:27
  was? I got the other question like, do you feel like that I
• 20:34
  can live my whole life? Do you? Yeah? I felt like that.
• 20:41
  I kind of still feel like it, But don't it's like fifty to
• 20:47
  fifty kind I would say it's not then it then like it is, so
• 20:51
  it's like fifty fifty at the same time. So let me ask you this,
• 20:57
  why do you feel that me, because like everything that's happened with you
• 21:03
  that you never like had an opportunity to like do, Like it's like I'm
• 21:10
  doing it for you, Like, if that makes sense, I could see
• 21:17
  that, you know, and like I said, I could be a woman
• 21:23
  and admit that. You know, I believe at one point I was really
• 21:29
  trying to be again, more of a friend to you than a mom.
• 21:34
  You know what I'm saying, because it was in my mind it was like,
• 21:38
  how do how do I ease back? You know, how do I
• 21:45
  jump back into this relationship? I think in my mind, I really hope
• 21:52
  that, you know, once I got back to using that everything would go
• 21:55
  back for normal again. I'm seeing things one way. You know, it
• 22:00
  was like, Okay, they shouldn't be mad at me, you know,
• 22:03
  because I'm still they mom, and you know, so yeah, I think
• 22:11
  in the beginning, initially because you're doing all the things that I wish I
• 22:17
  would have done at seventeen, if that makes sense. You know, I'm
• 22:22
  proud of you because you kept persevering despite all the obstacles you ran across,
• 22:30
  and like, I'm very proud of you, and I think I was more
• 22:33
  mad at myself because it's like everything that she's doing I could have done,
• 22:40
  you know, at seventeen, but I was wrapped up in a whole relationship,
• 22:44
  running behind a man, a boy. I rather, you know,
• 22:45
  let me say that, you know, And then it's like, you know,
• 22:52
  I look at you and I'm like, you know, my daughter is
• 22:53
  so lucky that she doesn't have these problems that I have. But it was
• 23:03
  like the more we started to talk, the more the lines of communications started
• 23:07
  to open. I started to see my daughter's just like me. She you
• 23:15
  know, you're you're going through, you know, the same issues, you
• 23:17
  know, your dad not being in the picture. My dad was not in
• 23:21
  the picture, you know. You know my mom was there, but I
• 23:26
  wasn't there for you. So I understand the sense of abandonment and how you
• 23:32
  felt like I abandoned you and I did. You know, I'm gonna say
• 23:36
  I did. You know, I'm not gonna say old something like it,
• 23:38
  because I did. I did abandon you, not just you, but I
• 23:42
  abandoned your brother, you know, I abandoned your sister. You know,
• 23:47
  I abandoned my children, you know, all because I thought everything I was
• 23:52
  doing was right. You know, I never, like I say, I
• 23:56
  never took into consideration y'all feelings. And I should have, you know,
• 24:02
  explained that to you. But you know, at a kind of like I
• 24:03
  said, I felt like y'all were too young to understand. You know,
• 24:07
  why I left. You know, I had to really truly get me together.
• 24:11
  And as crazy as this may sound, I really feel like had I
• 24:17
  not a left, I think things would be worse. If yeah, I
• 24:26
  feel like it would like I couldn't. I don't even want to imagine that,
• 24:32
  But I'm thankfully that it didn't. Like you actually you trying to,
• 24:41
  I'm actually like glad that you actually kind of did go away. I'm not
• 24:45
  in the bad way, but like you know, because like like you still
• 24:48
  would have been worse. Like like I said, I don't even want to
• 24:53
  imagine that at all. Full let me ask for let me ask you this.
• 25:02
  When you found out I was coming back to Houston, how did that
• 25:06
  make you feel? Honestly, no judgment, No, it's not old,
• 25:12
  Jamar, are you do? I want to know? How did that make
• 25:18
  you feel? When you found out I was coming back to Houston and you
• 25:22
  knew I was here to say I'm happy. Well, I was happy that
• 25:30
  like my mom is like coming back, that she could like, you know,
• 25:34
  be there for me and stuff like that and go to my basketball games
• 25:40
  and stuff and stuff like that, since like I had one parent that really
• 25:44
  doesn't but that's you know, and yeah, I was like, I don't
• 25:52
  know how to explain it. Like I said, I was happy that you
• 25:56
  were coming to Easton Soul because let's let's kind of touch on that for a
• 26:06
  moment. M As much as I know you don't want to, but I
• 26:12
  think this is clarity for me, for you, healing for me, healing
• 26:18
  for you. And I know you can't measure pain. I know you cannot
• 26:26
  measure pain. I know you cannot. I know, And I don't want
• 26:30
  to ask who hurt you more because it doesn't matter. You are hurt period.
• 26:38
  Did that so knowing that your dad is not active in your life,
• 26:45
  did that push you closer to me to want to have a better relationship with
• 26:49
  me? Or did that or were you just like, hey, at least
• 26:55
  my mom's here, you know what. Okay, at the beginning, yes,
• 27:00
  but like as like I'm growing like older now, I kind of understand,
• 27:04
  like you know also why you came back, Like I was, like,
• 27:08
  why I said I was typing when you came out, because like I
• 27:11
  wanted to get close to with you. I tried to with my dad and
• 27:18
  that didn't work out. Like I still want to, but that's like,
• 27:22
  yeah, that's debatable, I'm gonna say, but yeah, you know,
• 27:30
  yeah, and I and I definitely respect you on that. So let me
• 27:40
  ask you this. Okay, so I'm back. I'm back in Houston.
• 27:44
  You know this is the beginning. You know, I'm back in Houston.
• 27:48
  What are some of the things you remember when I told y'all said, I
• 27:56
  want to write me a list of the things that we need to work,
• 28:03
  which really kind of takes me into my next question is how do we uncover
• 28:12
  the root of mother daughter conflicts? The question is on you, Jamar,
• 28:21
  like, how do you uncover the root of mother daughter conflicts? In your
• 28:26
  eyes, your your opinion, the way you feel should be a good way
• 28:30
  to uncover the root of mother daughter conflicts. Communication? Of course that's my
• 28:37
  number one thing because it's always key. Okay, let me ask you this.
• 28:41
  Oh, I'm sorry not to cut it off, but elaborate a little
• 28:45
  more on the communication. Like you're talking to me. Okay, now you
• 28:52
  know we have the doors of the communication are open. What do you want
• 28:56
  from me in regards to communication? Like tell like, well we had a
• 29:04
  conversation, but like like tell like what like why did you leave and stuff
• 29:11
  like that, like explain why did you do it? And like it was
• 29:19
  something else but I forgot what it was. Good. Oh yeah, that's
• 29:26
  what I can conflict for now. Okay, what else do you think would
• 29:30
  help to uncover the rule of mother daughter conflicts other than just communication? Loving
• 29:37
  your kids, loving son? I love you? Or do you think I
• 29:47
  don't love you? And you could be honest with me. I still can't
• 29:52
  feel like you don't love me. That's how I feel. But it well,
• 30:00
  I'm gonna say that it's like happen to have like you love like I
• 30:04
  know you love me and it, but it feels like you don't love me.
• 30:07
  I don't know, it just feels like it. So why do you
• 30:11
  feel that way? Why do you feel like happen? You know, like,
• 30:17
  why do you feel I do love you? And then why don't you
• 30:19
  feel like I love you? You can start, okay, so you can
• 30:26
  start with why do you feel like I love you, And then why don't
• 30:30
  you feel like I love you? I feel like you love me because like
• 30:40
  you know, like when I'm like sad or something like that, you would
• 30:44
  like something that would happen and I would tell you and you would like,
• 30:48
  you know, be there for me and stuff like that. And I really
• 30:52
  appreciate that. And what I mean like you don't love me is because like
• 31:02
  as it puts me back into like that place when I was younger, like
• 31:06
  it's still inside me, and I know I need to let that go,
• 31:08
  but it would happen nowhere, and I don't know, It's just I don't
• 31:19
  know. I just I felt like like I need like you to be there
• 31:26
  for me more and more often, Like I just need your love. That's
• 31:30
  just what I need, Yeah, because like I feel like I never had
• 31:37
  that, and I have to hear it. As much as that hurts,
• 32:00
  I have to hear it because that's the only way that I can fix myself
• 32:08
  to love your property, you know. Oh and again not to I don't
• 32:16
  want to sound dismissive of how you feel or what you're saying, because I
• 32:23
  needed to the I needed to hear that, you know what I'm saying because
• 32:30
  I don't know you know how you're feeling from day to day. And again,
• 32:40
  I think the lines of communication have greatly improved. I know they could,
• 32:46
  you know, definitely be better. But to say I do love you,
• 32:58
  I honestly do. I'm learning to love me more so in tune me
• 33:04
  loving myself more. I could love you better than what I have, you
• 33:09
  know, being there for you more. I'm definitely working on baby steps and
• 33:21
  I'm willing to continue on their journey with you until we get you know what
• 33:27
  I'm saying, to that place where it's genuine, you know, where it
• 33:32
  doesn't feel like it's forced. But to give your clarity again as to why
• 33:45
  I left, I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't. I felt
• 33:51
  stuck being in Houston. I felt like I couldn't flourish. I was in
• 33:59
  a situation where I had three children, no car, I'm working a little
• 34:05
  fast food job that I wasn't able to do and take care of y'all the
• 34:09
  way that I knew I could have been doing. So when I got the
• 34:15
  opportunity to leave, I left. Do I regret some of some of the
• 34:24
  things I do regret, But I don't feel like I would be the woman
• 34:34
  I am today, and I'm not allow That's what i'most That's when I'm proud
• 34:39
  of you about I'm so a lady at the woman that I'm growing into me.
• 34:50
  It was rough, it was hard. There were so many doors Jamarra
• 34:58
  that I I opened that I knew I needed to close in order for me
• 35:02
  to heal, because if I if I'm not good to myself, then I
• 35:07
  couldn't be good to my children. And despite everything I've gone through with life,
• 35:14
  you your brother and your sister or the best things that ever happened to
• 35:17
  me. I know you may not see that, or you may not feel
• 35:24
  that, but y'all again have definitely been my light in the dark on those
• 35:32
  days when I wanted to kill myself, the times that I attempted to.
• 35:42
  God didn't take me for a reason because I think that would have been so
• 35:49
  unfair to y'all, because it would have been so many unanswered questions, so
• 35:57
  many things that would have left you even more confused about and we probably would
• 36:06
  have never been able to have this conversation. So I was in a dark,
• 36:10
  dark place. I was suicidal. There were a lot of days that
• 36:22
  I just wanted to say that I said my children will be better off without
• 36:24
  me because I just felt like I could never do anything right for y'all.
• 36:31
  That's how I felt like when I said, like we weren't there, I
• 36:36
  was suicidal as well, and I wanted to kill myself as well because I
• 36:40
  was like i've been she would like be better off without me. Well,
• 36:47
  actually it was both. It was it will go both ways. Like with
• 36:51
  my parents. I felt like I would just kill myself and they probably would
• 36:55
  be more happier if I wasn't here. That's how I felt and I've tempted,
• 37:02
  and that's why when I told you that I wanted to die, I
• 37:07
  did, but I didn't do it because I don't want because I want to
• 37:15
  like grow up and do the things that I want to do when I'm older.
• 37:19
  I want to get married, I have kids, explore the world,
• 37:21
  do everything I want to do that. I want to be happy. I
• 37:25
  don't want to be like side and depressed like every single day. I want
• 37:31
  to be happy. But I know my life wouldn't have been good if you
• 37:45
  would have done it, because I would have had the regrets, the confusion,
• 37:53
  un answer questions. I would have blamed myself, and I do hold
• 38:00
  myself accountable. Again, fuck a lot of the things that you're going through
• 38:06
  in life, I do hold myself accountable for that. And like I say,
• 38:12
  we as parents, we don't hold ourselves accountable for the things that our
• 38:19
  children go through. We don't. We just were very dismissive, you know.
• 38:27
  So I think you know what we just share was a way to uncover
• 38:30
  the rout of a lot of mother daughter conflicts. Another thing that I felt,
• 38:38
  or and I still feel that stands in a way, it's my mother,
• 38:43
  you know, your grandmother. I think she and again this is just
• 38:47
  my perception, and you know when I'm mentally and emotionally ready to sit down
• 38:53
  and have that conversation with her, because that's that's the part of me that
• 39:00
  that's a part of that daughter that needs to be closed with her. You
• 39:05
  know, because I had a conversation with your grandmother. I want to say
• 39:10
  this was maybe a few months after I moved back, and I told her,
• 39:19
  I said, you know, I don't believe you ever wanted my children
• 39:22
  with me. You know, I know, being a mother, being a
• 39:27
  parent, I'm not just a mother, but a father, a parent period.
• 39:30
  I know it doesn't come with a man. There's not a step by
• 39:34
  step that says, oh, okay, so on day one when you bring
• 39:37
  the baby home from eyes, so you do this. When the baby's a
• 39:40
  week old, you do this. When the baby turns a year, you
• 39:44
  do this. I know there's no man. So I really just kind of
• 39:50
  mimic what I saw. And that's not to say your grandmother wasn't a good
• 39:53
  mother, But I felt like she doesn't love me. You know. I
• 39:58
  can't even remember the last time I've even had her tell me she loved me.
• 40:02
  So it's it's it's like it's it's a it's a cycle, you know.
• 40:07
  And I want you to be the one to break that, you know.
• 40:15
  I don't want to see your carry this on when you have children or
• 40:17
  a child. You know. I want you to be the best mother,
• 40:22
  the best woman, the best person you could ever be. But you know,
• 40:28
  veering back today, I feel like your grandmother, you know. And
• 40:32
  I even asked her, you know, well not necessarily ask what I told
• 40:36
  her. I said, it doesn't matter if I had hadn't gone to jail,
• 40:39
  I hadn't moved away or whatever. I just don't believe you ever wanted
• 40:43
  my children with me, and she never could answer that question. I remember,
• 40:49
  you know, right before I moved to Biloxi, I got a proof
• 40:53
  of an apartment down here, and she said, uh, well you should
• 40:59
  just gone and go. You know, so and so has already signed the
• 41:01
  lead. But she knew that I wanted my children with me, So I
• 41:07
  think that's really why she kind of encouraged me to go. And I noticed
• 41:12
  that now. You know, when I come over there and you know me,
• 41:15
  you could just be having random conversation. We could just be talking about
• 41:20
  somethinge TikTok or snapchat or something, you know, something funny that we've seen.
• 41:23
  We could just even just be having a random conversation. And it's like
• 41:28
  when she feels like we're getting too close here, she comes in and it's
• 41:31
  like, oh, ask you to come here, let me let me ask
• 41:34
  yourself. You know. It's almost like she doesn't want me to have a
• 41:37
  relationship with y'all. But I pray over that every day because I'm not gonna
• 41:43
  let anything on anyone come in the way of me rebuilding my relationship with my
• 41:50
  children. You know, y'all are my behabies. I love everything about y'all.
• 41:55
  I'm so proud. I sit back and I and I just am enamored,
• 42:00
  you know, by the things that y'all do, the things that y'all
• 42:05
  have done, Like, I'm so proud of the accomplishments that y'all have made,
• 42:08
  the accomplishments that you continue to make. Like I'm so happy about that.
• 42:14
  I couldn't be more proud of you, you know. And I will
• 42:17
  say, you know, I'm very happy that I came back to continue on
• 42:22
  this journey which you know, as you journey on into womanhood and you know,
• 42:28
  you leave the nest and you go off to college and all the other
• 42:30
  good stuff. So I'm very very very very proud. I'm very happy about
• 42:37
  that. I'm very happy that I'm able to be a part of that.
• 42:42
  I will say, I'm not gonna let anything else come in between that,
• 42:46
  you know, nothing else. So it brings me to the last question,
• 42:54
  how do you repair a broken recision? So, Jamara, what do you
• 43:01
  think we could do? Like better communication? Like talk we like, well,
• 43:15
  that's the same thing, sorry, like be there because basically what I
• 43:24
  need I just needed to be there for me, like I want you to
• 43:28
  be here for me. So in regards to we're parents. How do you
• 43:37
  feel about us doing mother daughter therapy? I feel like it's good, it's
• 43:45
  healthy as well to like like every regardless of what happened in the past,
• 43:52
  Like we need to move forward. We can't keep going on to this like
• 43:58
  it's very negative. We need positive energy. And so let me ask you
• 44:06
  this, Jamar. Do you feel like holding onto that pain is like a
• 44:14
  safe place for you? Like are you excuse me, are you afraid to
• 44:22
  have a healthy relationship with me? Are you like? Oh yeah, I'm
• 44:25
  ready, Like we need to do this, Like I want to know how
• 44:29
  you feel about that, Like how do you feel you know about us repairing?
• 44:35
  You know? And and tell me how do we continue to repair other
• 44:39
  than just communication? That are confusion with all the questions? No neverally,
• 44:53
  I I was gonna say, hey, when that happens, than keep forgetting
• 45:00
  it, than keep forgetting it? Thank that. Mhmm. Don't just me
• 45:14
  and you just imagine that we're sitting down at a park on a park bench
• 45:19
  and we're talking how do you repair a broken mother daughter relationship other than just
• 45:25
  communication? What? Okay, let me rephrase it. What do you what
• 45:34
  do you want more for me other than just communication? And me being there
• 45:37
  for you you're carrying like being like, oh it's from that take it time,
• 46:04
  and answering that question you want me to go first? You want me
• 46:17
  to go first? While yeah, I just because I don't want to,
• 46:22
  you know, keep anybody waiting, you know, Oh no, go ahead,
• 46:31
  go ahead? Uh huh. I don't want to talk over you,
• 46:34
  go ahead, Okay, I don't gay mother got a relationship well the screen,
• 46:44
  you know, But how I feel or what I felt, I felt
• 46:50
  scared to like explain the things of like what I went through and I'm still
• 46:57
  kind of going through right now. And like when you said this pain keep
• 47:02
  me in the same place, Yeah it does. So why does it feel
• 47:10
  like that question? Uncovering the week of the mother daughter conflicts. Why,
• 47:21
  Like why do you hold onto it? Are you afraid to let it go?
• 47:25
  Like? Are you afraid to have a relationship with me? Because you
• 47:30
  think because like you you know, and I heard exactly what you said when
• 47:35
  you said it just it takes you back to when you are a little girl.
• 47:39
  Are you afraid that if you'll finally let your walls down, that I
• 47:46
  up and leave you again? Yeah? You know, And let's understand and
• 48:00
  I respect it, like I want to release it. It's just hard like
• 48:06
  without like when I try to like communicate, it just feels like I'm either
• 48:10
  we'll get judged or pushed away. And that's why, like I'm just like,
• 48:14
  you know whatever, I'm just gonna keep this in until, like you
• 48:16
  know, and like I don't know that. That's why I just keep it
• 48:23
  in, Like I keep things to myself because if like nobody, nobody would
• 48:27
  understand as well. But I do want to talk, like talk like talk
• 48:36
  about everything like you know that's happened in my life so far. Okay,
• 48:42
  Well, oh, I'm sorry I didn't I'm sorry I didn't even interrupt you.
• 48:49
  That was done. You're good. So one question for you, if
• 48:55
  you're becoming one thing is your life right now, what would you say?
• 49:00
  What would you tell me? That's a lot of process. Well, we'll
• 49:08
  look, you know what, We'll keep it simple and we'll just say one
• 49:13
  one okay, one major thing that like you're like, you know what,
• 49:20
  I can't hold this anymore. I gotta let it out. Tell me that
• 49:22
  one thing, try me out, and let's see how that goes. I
• 49:29
  would I'll just say my my depression. I would say my depression. Yeah,
• 49:35
  it's my depression. I'm gonna say that it is that's holding me back
• 49:38
  from wanting to do the things I want to do. So let me ask
• 49:44
  you this, because I know depression. I know it all too well for
• 49:51
  you. What does that feel like you? It's a lot of feelings.
• 50:01
  It feels I feel alone. Even though there is like people that around me
• 50:07
  that loves me, I still feel alone. And it feels like like it's
• 50:15
  like I'm in like like a black circle or something like it's all black.
• 50:23
  It's like I'm in this black circle that I can't get out of and I'm
• 50:28
  just here, like sitting here in it, being depressed or something. When
• 50:36
  it feels like hopefully, it feels like mh like something just hit like hit
• 50:43
  me or something like that, if that makes sense. So let me ask
• 50:51
  you this. Okay, So you just told me you're in this black hole
• 50:55
  that you feel like you cannot get out of. What can I do to
• 51:01
  help guide you out of that hole? Mhmm, I don't know. It
• 51:13
  feels like that we kind of did, you know, got out of it
• 51:17
  together. It's just another half of me that wants to get out of it
• 51:22
  with you. Know my dad. That part I understand, but I can
• 51:35
  only say this to you and I will continue to tell you this every day,
• 51:42
  every moment. Before you can fully move forward, you have to close
• 51:49
  that door. Whether you get closure or not, you have to close that
• 51:57
  door. You have to know that your life keeps going even when the other
• 52:12
  person doesn't is not willing to be there. You have to still keep going.
• 52:21
  You can't give up, you know. I know what it's like to
• 52:25
  want. Somebody's so bad in your life, especially your father, you know,
• 52:31
  and it's almost like you're warn them they're so bad, and it's like
• 52:37
  you're suffocating because they won't be there no matter what you do. So,
• 52:44
  as your grandmother told me, you just kind of have to meet people where
• 52:47
  they are. Some people you have to just leave them there, you know,
• 52:51
  and know that your life keeps going. I don't want you to let
• 53:00
  you keep that in, let that keep you in that dark place that you've
• 53:05
  been in for so long, because I don't want to lose my daughter.
• 53:13
  The fun is just now beginning and I'm enjoying the ride, so I don't
• 53:19
  want to lose my daughter. I want our relationship to be you will and
• 53:35
  whatever I have to do to fix it. We're gonna do it, but
• 53:39
  I want you to know you are not on this journey alone. You're not
• 53:46
  by yourself. Whatever we have to do together for you to heal, for
• 53:55
  you to learn to love yourself more, for you to rebuild the trust in
• 54:04
  me that I broke, I'm along. I'm along on a journey with you.
• 54:08
  I'm on this ride with you. So I don't want you to ever
• 54:13
  feel like you alone. I don't want you to ever feel like we can't
• 54:19
  have these conversations because we have to keep having these conversations in order for us
• 54:25
  to heal, in order for us to repair this broken relationship, because it's
• 54:30
  been broken for a long time. And again, I don't want to see
• 54:35
  you carry this on into your relationships. You know, whenever you become a
• 54:44
  mother, I don't want you to carry this on to your children. So
• 54:54
  we both have to let that hurt go. You know, I still have
• 55:02
  my days where I'm like, well, maybe I shouldn't have left her,
• 55:07
  maybe I shouldn't have done this, or maybe I shouldn't have done that.
• 55:08
  I still have those days. Regrets is the word I'm looking for. I
• 55:13
  still have regrets and if I could do it all over again. I think
• 55:20
  I would. I would definitely do things differently, you know. And that's
• 55:24
  why I tell you I'm gonna love your harder every day. I'm gonna squeeze
• 55:31
  on you every day. I'm gonna kiss you every chance that I get because
• 55:36
  I want you to know you are one third of my heart. I'm trying
• 55:49
  not to get emotional. You are definitely one that I have to love a
• 55:54
  little hard because I want you to be better. I know you are better,
• 56:05
  and I know you will get through this. You're not gonna be in
• 56:08
  that dark hole forever. I know you're gonna look back at this a year
• 56:15
  to five years, maybe ten years from now, and we're gonna revisit this
• 56:21
  conversation again, you know, and how far always come. I'm very proud
• 56:28
  of the strides that we have made. I'm very proud that you have opened
• 56:37
  your heart a little bit more to me. I noticed that every day,
• 56:42
  so I'm very happy for that. I do want you to trust me now
• 56:52
  that you're older and you can understand a little more, you know, in
• 56:57
  regards to or why I had to leave, Why I left, you know
• 57:01
  the way that I was because again I need it all about me. You
• 57:08
  know. I didn't take him to consideration my children. You know I did
• 57:15
  none of that. And again, I can't do anything more than apologize and
• 57:22
  show you guys that I'm not that person I was, you know, that
• 57:30
  person that I was in November when we had that big blow up and I
• 57:36
  called you a bitch. I said things to y'all that I should have never
• 57:40
  said out of anger because I was hurting and hurt people, hurt people,
• 57:49
  and I want you to know it wasn't you. I was mad at It
• 57:52
  wasn't your brother. I was mad at I was mad at me, so
• 58:00
  I applied what'd you say? I said, that's the same thing like I
• 58:06
  had back in February when grand told me to tell you about what I did.
• 58:15
  Like when I did that was not me. I was hurt and like
• 58:22
  I didn't care. Like when I think about it, I regret doing that,
• 58:30
  you know, but that's in the past and I'm and I stopped doing
• 58:38
  it. Don't worry. I stopped. You've been as stopped. Girls.
• 58:46
  I'm doing all that with my belt for you. You might be seventeen so
• 58:51
  on the eighteen, but I will come with that belt for you. I
• 58:52
  will go get a whoop, but I never gave and all these years,
• 58:58
  but I mean, I'm just I'm very happy that you're tuned in tonight,
• 59:07
  that you're joined the conversation with me. Y're okay. It was a conversation
• 59:14
  that needed to be had. You know. Uh, you said some things
• 59:22
  to me that hurt. But I respect that because that's how you feel.
• 59:30
  And I'm not upset at your feelings. You're entitled to feel that way because
• 59:37
  I did something to you to make you feel that way. So I want
• 59:43
  you to know that I'm no longer gonna be dismissive of how you feel.
• 59:49
  I want to know how you feel. I want us to be able to
• 59:52
  talk about it, no matter how it hurts, how much it hurts,
• 59:55
  I'm sorry, no matter how much it hurts. I want those lines of
• 59:59
  communic Asian to be open with us. The more time we spend together,
• 1:00:08
  you know, I think having a one on one mother daughter time has made
• 1:00:15
  us a little closer. M And when you said when I said I enjoyed
• 1:00:24
  my day, you said I enjoyed my day too. I think I smiled
• 1:00:30
  all the way home. I didn't enjoy my day with you and I wanted
• 1:00:34
  to get into get to the day, the day I really get enjoyed my
• 1:00:39
  day with you. I look forward to many more days with you. I
• 1:00:49
  do. When I hug you, it just it just does something to my
• 1:00:58
  spirit. And I just I got home and I'm like, well, I
• 1:01:00
  miss my baby is like everything. So again I apologize to you for any
• 1:01:08
  hurt that I brought to you. I promised to be better baby steps,
• 1:01:19
  baby steps. I can be patient with you and you'll be patient with me.
• 1:01:29
  And we and we just we rolled down this road together. So don't
• 1:01:37
  go anywhere. I got the go ahead and post up real quick, let
• 1:01:42
  everybody know, and then we're gonna come back with our final thoughts. But
• 1:01:45
  tonight, okay, we are definitely gonna go back to our thoughts for tonight.
• 1:01:55
  Let me up. Oh hello, y'all work with me, bad with
• 1:02:01
  me. Welcome to black Girl Interrupted. We like to think that we are
• 1:02:07
  the new go to conversation on all things concerning the black woman experience, whether
• 1:02:14
  it's wellness, self love, self care, or empowering one another. Black
• 1:02:19
  Girl Interrupted will interrupt that daily grimes uplift, change and empower women of color
• 1:02:24
  to a whole new level. Don't forget to join us each and every Tuesday
• 1:02:30
  night, eight pm Central Time, nine pm Eastern Time for all brand new
• 1:02:35
  episodes. All right, now we are back back back, y'all. Oh
• 1:02:57
  right, So as we in the night, we go into our final thoughts.
• 1:03:05
  So our final thoughts tonight, are you know mother daughter relationships? We
• 1:03:12
  definitely struggle, you know, we're definitely know what it's like to have a
• 1:03:17
  mother daughter relationship. We need to stop trying to live through our children because
• 1:03:23
  just because you didn't do it at that age, Stop trying to push these
• 1:03:27
  children to do what you didn't do or what we didn't do, or what
• 1:03:30
  they didn't do. Let the kids be. Let them be them, you
• 1:03:35
  know, let them be their own independent person, let them just beat them,
• 1:03:37
  let them be teenagers. Another thing, we have got to definitely stop
• 1:03:44
  trying to live through our kids. We have to stop being our first and
• 1:03:49
  we have to start being parents. Definitely communicate anytime that there's a conflict in
• 1:03:57
  between you, your daughter and your son, open up the lines of communication.
• 1:04:00
  We have to stop being so dismissive of how they feel. You know,
• 1:04:06
  even if you have to just take a vibe, send second cool down
• 1:04:10
  before you guys talk because pooler heads always prevail. You know, accountability is
• 1:04:17
  another thing. Definitely, start holding yourself accountable for the pain that you've inflicted
• 1:04:20
  on your child. You know I used to do that in the beginning.
• 1:04:25
  I was like, oh, you know, they are right, Oh they'll
• 1:04:28
  understand. You know. I just have to get me together. And again,
• 1:04:30
  it's not about us. It stops being about us when you have your
• 1:04:34
  child, your child or your children. We have to put the children first
• 1:04:40
  again. We have to love them a little more. We need to be
• 1:04:43
  there for them mentally. We need to be there for them emotionally because just
• 1:04:47
  because we may not see it, they go through the same struggles as us
• 1:04:51
  adults. You know, they don't talk about it because we don't make it
• 1:04:56
  easy for them to talk about So again my declaration for some night, Jamari,
• 1:05:02
  girl of the flood gates are open, the lines of communication are open,
• 1:05:08
  and I want you to feel safe when you're talking to me, no
• 1:05:12
  matter, no matter if you're think it's gonna make me mad, If that's
• 1:05:15
  how you're feeling, I want to know how you're feeling in that moment.
• 1:05:18
  I want to know. So if you're pissed off with me, or you're
• 1:05:24
  calling me a bitch in your mind or whatever. If you feel like you
• 1:05:28
  can't talk to me face to face, send it to me. And you
• 1:05:30
  know what, don't even send it to me and a thing, just tell
• 1:05:33
  me, you know what, we need to talk. I got something to
• 1:05:36
  say to you. And let's address the issue right then and there. Let's
• 1:05:43
  not let it fester and building, building, building, build, Let's definitely
• 1:05:48
  not do that. Is that a deal? Are we gonna make that deal
• 1:05:54
  tonight? Because you know I'm gonna hold you to it. Yes, I
• 1:05:57
  need to start doing that. So if you know, so, if you
• 1:06:00
  feel like I said something out of the way or I've done something to make
• 1:06:03
  you feel some kind of way, talk to me, talk to me.
• 1:06:11
  You want to come over here and talk, come talk to me. If
• 1:06:14
  you want to go, if you know, if you say, hey,
• 1:06:15
  let's go to the park, I want to talk, Come talk to me.
• 1:06:23
  Because that's another way to maintain a healthy mother daughter relationship and being able
• 1:06:30
  to fight fair. You know, No more me throwing anything from your past
• 1:06:35
  in your face, because I'm definitely guilty of that, because I know I've
• 1:06:39
  said things to you that have hurt your feelings. I know I have.
• 1:06:44
  I definitely know I have. But again, what are your final thoughts for
• 1:06:51
  tonight? I mean I feel so I would say I feel I feel good
• 1:06:58
  that like we talked, but there's like still more that I want to talk
• 1:07:02
  about with you that I've been wanting to tell. And I feel like like
• 1:07:12
  since I came on this podcast with you, like you know, I was
• 1:07:14
  actually ready for this. Okay with your mom? Hey, definitely we could
• 1:07:25
  definitely do that. Definitely anything any other final thoughts you want to share for
• 1:07:30
  tonight? Well, I'm gonna say, like, like, don't let the
• 1:07:40
  past consume you, because when I tell you it hurts, it's like it's
• 1:07:46
  like it's eating it's eating you alive inside, So positive vibs only to forward,
• 1:07:56
  you know, Well, anything else you want to share with the people
• 1:08:04
  tonight? In it? Any in it? Anything else you want to share
• 1:08:08
  with the people Tonight? Tomorrow is Wednesday, m okay, tomorrow is basketball
• 1:08:18
  tryouts. So and of course I'm an adversity, I know, and you
• 1:08:28
  know I'm nervous, but I'm confident that I'm gonna make the team. And
• 1:08:34
  you know I'm gonna be at every basketball game this year. I'm gonna make
• 1:08:45
  sure I'm at every game so I can see every basket you make. See
• 1:08:50
  you get your letterman jacket this year, see you walk across that stage and
• 1:08:58
  see my baby spread home. I'm scared, but I'm ready for you.
• 1:09:09
  I'm scared too, but I'm ready to love you. You got this because
• 1:09:15
  I promise you got It's like I'm not messly prepared, but I'm trying to
• 1:09:19
  get there. But your Mama's your is your biggest supporter. I'm your biggest
• 1:09:26
  fan. I still have that T shirt I got made when you played middle
• 1:09:31
  school basketball. That's need ass. I've always been your fan, and I'm
• 1:09:40
  so happy that we were able to have this conversation tonight. I hope the
• 1:09:48
  conversation continues because I think we're making enough progress. Yeah. I said I
• 1:09:57
  wasn't gonna get emotional, but anytime I talk about you, know my conversations
• 1:10:03
  are you know, men didn't repairing my relationship like you, It does take
• 1:10:11
  me back to the times that I missed with y'all. At least you get
• 1:10:17
  to see you across that stage, and I'm and I'm happy that you are
• 1:10:20
  here to see me do that because like if he wasn't here. I'll be
• 1:10:29
  heartbreaking because like my Chase and my Injquery and my grandmother and my aunt would
• 1:10:35
  be there. But it's just like missing you. I want you to know
• 1:10:45
  I'm not gonna miss another event in your life. Another mouth stole. I'm
• 1:10:53
  here and I love you. I love me to m I love you more
• 1:11:02
  than you'll ever know. And I'm sorry for leaving. But I'm not going
• 1:11:12
  anywhere else. And I promise you that I'm not leaving you anymore. You
• 1:11:24
  need me, I need you. You're my strength. You'll keep me going,
• 1:11:33
  You'll definitely keep me on my toes. But I do I love you.
• 1:11:45
  I love love, love love love you. I really do. And
• 1:11:54
  I pray that will be back close again. I know it will. I
• 1:12:00
  know we will, we will. I just thank you for allowing me to
• 1:12:11
  come back into your life the way that you have. Okay, and I
• 1:12:19
  know what's gonna take time. I know it's not gonna happen overnight, but
• 1:12:27
  you have to be willing as well. You can't shut down on me.
• 1:12:36
  I do that. Baby steps, little baby steps, one day at a
• 1:12:48
  time. Okay, Okay, So I love your pool so too. It
• 1:13:01
  was so beautiful I got one thing right well to my mules. Oh my
• 1:13:12
  god. I said I wasn't gonna get emotional tonight, but unfortunately I did.
• 1:13:16
  Again. I love you guys. Don't forget. Tune in next Tuesday
• 1:13:21
  APM Central time, nine pm Eastern Time. Definitely got something playing for you
• 1:13:28
  guys next Tuesday night. Can't tell you what it is, but I got
• 1:13:31
  something special for you and it's the season finale, so hopefully your guys will
• 1:13:36
  tune in again. Don't forget Next Tuesday, out over twenty seventh APM Eastern
• 1:13:41
  Time, no APM Central time, nine pm Eastern Time. Again, thank
• 1:13:46
  everybody for tuning in tonight. Love you guys, See you next week.