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A Mixed Proposal · The Lady of the Barge and other Stort Stories

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  Section nine of The Lady of the Barge. This is a LibriVox recording.
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  All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer,
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  please visit LibriVox dot org. The Lady of the BArch by W.
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  W. Jacobs a mixed proposal. Major Brill, late of the Fincher volunteers,
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  stood in front of a small piece of glass in the hat stand,
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  and with a firm, inexperienced hand, gave his new silk hat a slight
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  tilt over the right eye. Then he took his cane and a new pair
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  of gloves, and with a military but squeaky tread, lasted out into the
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  road. It was a glorious day in the early autumn, when the soft
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  English landscape was looking its best. But despite the fact that there was nothing
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  more alarming in sight than a few cows on the hillside am all away.
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  Then Major plused at his gait, and his face took on an appearance of
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  the rate his courage and resolution before proceeding. The road was dusty and quiet
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  except for the children playing at the cottage doors, and so hot that the
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  Major, heedless of the fact that he could not replace the hat at exactly
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  the same angle, stood in the shade of a tree. While he removed
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  it and mopped his heated brow, he proceeded on his way more leisurely,
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  overtaking despite his life of speed, another man who was walking still more slowly
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  in the shade of the hedge. Fine day, Halibut, he said,
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  briskly, Fine day, beautiful, said the other, making no attempt to
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  keep pace with him. Country wants rained, though, cried the Major over
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  his shoulder. Julibut assented, and, walking slowly on, wondered vaguely what
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  gaudy color it was that had attracted his eye. It dawned on him at
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  length that it must be the Major's tie, and he suddenly quickened his pace
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  by no means, reassured as the man of war also quickened his halloa brille.
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  He cried half a moment. The Major stopped and waited for his friend.
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  Halibut eyed could tie uneasily. It was fearfully and wonderfully made, but
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  said nothing. Well, said the Major somewhat sharply. Oh, I was
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  going to ask you brill one found it. I've forgotten what I was going
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  to say. Now I dare say I shall soon think of it. You're
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  not in a hurry. Well, I am rather, said Briel. In
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  fact, is pad on straight, halibut the other, assuring him that it
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  was the Major paused in his career, and, gripping the brim with both
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  hands, deliberately tilted it over the right eye. Again, you were saying,
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  said Halibut, regarding this maneuver with secret disapproval. Yes, murmured the
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  Major. I was saying, Well, I don't mind telling an old triit
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  like you, Albert, though it is a profound secret. They's been rather
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  particular about my dress just now. Women notice these things. I sha't get
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  much sympathy from a confirmed old bachelor like you, but on my way to
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  put a very momentous question. The devil you are, said the other blankly,
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  Sir, said the astonished major, Not missus riddle, said Halibut.
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  Certainly, Sir, said the Major stiffly. Why not only that I am
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  going on the same errand said the confirmed bachelor with desperate calmness. The Major
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  looked at him and for the first time noticed an unusual rutness and dressiness in
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  his friend's attire. His collar was higher than usual, his tie of the
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  widest and finest silk or will pin he never remembered to have seen before.
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  And for the first time since he had known him, the Major, with
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  a strange sinking at the heart, saw that he wore spants. This is
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  extraordinary, he said briefly. Well day, Alibet, can't stop. Good
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  day, said the other. The Major quickened his pace and shot a head,
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  and, keeping in the shade of the hedge, crowned his teeth.
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  As a civilian on the other side of the road slowly but surely gained on
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  him. It became exciting. The Major was handicapped by his upright bearing and
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  short military stride. The other, a simple child of the city, bent
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  forward, swinging his arms and taking immense strides. At a bye lane,
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  they picked up three small boys, who, nodding in their rear, made
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  it evident by their remarks that they considered themselves the privileged spectators of a foot
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  race. The Major could stand it no longer, and, with the cut
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  of his cane at the foremost boy softly called a hot Well, said Halibut,
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  stopping The man's manner was suspicious, not to say afitsul, And the
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  other had much ado to speak him fair. This is ridiculous, he said,
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  trying to smile. We can't walk in and propose a duet. One
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  of us must go today and the other tomorrow. Certainly, said Halibut.
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  That'll be the best plan, So childish, said the Major, with a
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  careless laugh. Two fellas walking in, hot and tired and proposing to her
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  absurd, replied Halibut, and both men eyed each other carefully. So if
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  I'm unsuccessful, old chap, said the Major, in a voice which she
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  strove to render natural and easy, I will come straight back to your place,
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  and don't you know, so as not to keep you un suspense.
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  You're very good, said Halibut, with some emotion. But I think I'll
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  take today because I have every reason to believe that I've got one of my
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  billious attacks coming on tomorrow. Oh fancy, my dear fellow, said the
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  Major Heartily, I never saw you look better in my life. That's one
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  of the chief signs, replied Halibut, shaking his head. I'm afraid I
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  must go today. I really cannot wave my bright on account of your bilious
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  attack, said the Major. Haughtily, you're right, said Halibut, with
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  spirit. My right, repeated the other should have been there before you if
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  you have not stopped me in the first place. But I started first,
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  said Halibut. Prove it, exclaimed the Major warmly. The other shrugged his
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  shoulders. I shall certainly not give way, he said calmly. This is
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  a matter in which my whole future is concerned. It seems very odd,
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  not to say, inconvenient, that you have chosen the same day as myself.
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  Brill for such an errand very odd. It's quite an accident, asservaded
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  the Major. As a matter of fact, Halibut. I nearly went yesterday.
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  That alone gives me. I think some claim to precedence. Just so,
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  said Halibut slowly. It constituted an excellent claim. The Major regarded him
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  with moistening eyes. This was generous and noble, this opinion of Alibert rose.
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  And now you have been so frank with me, said the latter.
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  It is only fair that you should know I started out with the same intention
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  three days ago and found her out. So far as claims go, I
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  think mine leads their matter of opinion, said the disgusted Major. It really
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  seems as though we want an arbitrator. Well, we'll have to make our
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  call together. I suppose, but I'll take care not to give you any
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  opportunity. Halibut, So don't cherish any delusions on that point. And even
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  you wouldn't have the hardihood to propose before a third party, I should think.
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  But if you do, I give you fair warning that I shall begin
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  too. This is most unseemly, said Alibet. We'd better both go home
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  and leave it for another day. Wen do you propose going, asked the
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  Major. Really all haven't made up my mind, replied the other. The
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  Major shrugged his should It won't do, ullibit, he said, grimly,
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  it won't do. I'm too old a soldier to be caught that way.
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  There was a long pause. Then Major mopped his brow again. I've got
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  it, he said. At last. Walibet looked at him curiously. We
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  must pay for first proposals, said the Major, firmly. We're pretty evenly
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  matched. Chess gasp the other a whole world of protest in his tones.
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  Chess repeated the Major. It's hardly respectful, demurred Halibut. What do you
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  think the lady would do if she heard of it? Laugh replied the Major
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  with conviction. I believe she would, said, the other brightening. I
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  believe she would you agree then with conditions. Conditions, repeated the major.
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  One game, said Halibut, speaking very slowly, undistinctly. And if the
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  winner is refused, the loser not to propose until he gives him permission.
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  What the deuce for, inquired the other suspiciously suppose I win, replied Halibut,
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  with suspicious glibness, and was so upset that I had one of my
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  bilious attacks. Come on, where should I be? Why I might have
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  to break off in the middle and go home. The fellow can't propose when
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  everything in the room is going round and round. I don't think you ought
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  to contemplate, Mary Talliban, remarked the major, very seriously and gently.
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  Thanks, said Halibut, dryly, very well, said the Major. I
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  agree to the condition. Better come to my place and we'll decide it now.
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  If we look sharp, the winner may be able to know his fate
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  to day after all, lulibet, ascending, they walked back together. The
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  feverish joy of the gambler showed in the Major's eye as they drew their chairs
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  up to the little antique chest table and began to place their pieces ready for
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  the fray. Then a thought struck him, and he crossed over to the
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  sideboard. If you're filling a bit off color, Halibut, he said,
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  kindly, you'd better have a little brondy to pull yourself together. I don't
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  wish to take a mean advantage. You're very good, said the other,
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  as he eyed the noble measure of liquid poured out by his generous adversary.
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  And now to business, said the major, as he drew himself a little
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  soda from a siphon. Now to business, repeated Halibin, rising and placing
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  his glass on the mantelpiece. The Major struggled fiercely with his feelings, but
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  despite himself a guilty blushment color to the other's unfounded suspicions. Remember the conditions,
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  said Halibet, impressively. Here's my hand on it, said the other,
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  reaching over. Maulibut took it, and his thoughts, being at the
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  moment far away, gave it a tender, respectful squeeze. The Major stared
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  and coughed. It was suggestive of practice my history if the duel is ever
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  ridden, and would be found not worthy of being reckoned with the most famous
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  combats of ancient times these after Peace was removed from the board, and the
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  Major drank glass after glass of soda to cool his heated brain, and the
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  second glass Halibut took an empty tumbler and helped himself. Suddenly there was a
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  singing in the Major's ear, and a voice, a hopeful, myriumphant voice,
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  said Jack Murt. Then did his gaze wander from knight to bishop,
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  and bishop to castle, in a vain search for succor. There was his
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  king defied by a bishop, a bishop which had been hobnobbing with ponds in
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  one corner of the board, and which he could have sworn he had captured
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  and removed full twenty minutes before we mentioned this impression to Halibate. That was
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  the other one, said his fot. I thought you had forgotten this.
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  I have been watching and hoping so for the lost hour. There was no
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  disguising the coarse satisfaction of the man. He had washed it. Pope not
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  beaten him, so the Major told himself in fair play, but by taking
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  a mean and pitiful advantage of a pure oversight, a sheer oversight, he
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  admitted it. Olibet rose with a sigh of relief, and the Major,
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  mechanically sweeping up the pieces, dropped them one by one into the box.
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  Plenty of time, said the victor, glancing at the clock. I shall
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  go now, but I should like a wash first. The Major rose,
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  and, in his capacity of hosts, led the way upstairs to his room
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  and poured fresh water for his foe. Ulibet washed himself delicately, carefully trimming
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  his hair and beard, and anxiously consulting the Major as to the set of
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  his coat in the back. After he had dawned it again. His toilet
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  completed, he gave a satisfied glance in the class, and then followed.
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  The man of war said day lay down stairs at the hall. He paused
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  and busied himself with the clothes rush and hat pad, modestly informing his glaring
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  friend that he could not afford to throw any chances away, and then took
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  his departure. The Major sat up that night waiting for news, but none
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  came, and by breakfast time the next morning, his thirst for information became
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  almost uncontrollable. Toyed with a chop and allowed his coffee to get cold.
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  Then he clapped on his hat and set off to Halibut's to know the worst,
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  well, he inquired, as he followed the other into his dining room.
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  I went, said Halibut, waiting him to a chair. Am I
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  to congratulate you well, I don't know, was the reply. Perhaps not
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  just yet? Do you mean by that? Said the Major irascibly. Well,
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  as a matter of fact, said Halibut, she refused me, but
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  so nicely and so gently that I scarcely minded it. In fact, at
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  first I hardly realized that she had refused me. The Major rose, and,
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  regarding his poor friend, kindly shook and patted him lightly on the shoulder.
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  She's a splendid woman, said Halibut, ornament to her sex, remarked
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  the Major. So considerate, murmured the buried one. Good women always are,
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  said the Major decisively. I don't think i'd better worry for today.
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  But do you know I don't, said Pulibut stiffly. You try my luck
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  tomorrow, said the Major. Beg your pardon, said Halibut, Eh,
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  said the Major, trying to look puzzled. You are forgetting the conditions of
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  the game, replied Halibut, You have to obtain my permission first. Why,
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  my dear fellow, said the Major, with a boisterous laugh. I
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  wouldn't insult you by questioning your generosity in such a case. No, no,
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  Halibut, old fellow, I know you too well. He spoke with
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  feeling, but there was an anxious note in his voice. We must abide
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  by the conditions, said Halibut slowly, And I must inform you Brill that
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  I intend to renew the attack myself. Then, Sir, said the Major,
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  hume you compel me to say, putting all modesty aside, that I
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  believe the reason Missus Riddle would have nothing to do with you because she thought
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  somebody else might make a similar offer. That's what I thought, said Elibet,
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  simply. But you see now that you have so unaccountably, so far
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  as Missus Griddle is concerned, dropped out of the running. Perhaps if I
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  am gently persistent, she'll take me. The Major rose and glared at him.
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  If you don't take care, old check, said Halibit, tenderly,
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  you'll burst something, gently persistent, repeated the Major, staring at him gently
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  persistent. Remember Bruce and his spider smiled the other. You are not going
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  to propose that poor woman nine times for tis incensed friend, I hope that
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  it will not be necessary, was his reply. But if it is,
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  I can assure you, my dear brill, and I'm not going to be
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  outclassed by a mere spider. But think of her feelings, gasp the major
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  I have, was the reply, And I'm sure she'll thank me for it
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  afterward. You see, Brill, you and I are the only eligibles in
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  the place, and now you are out of it. You sure to take
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  me sooner or later? And pray? How long am I to wait?
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  Demanded the Major, controlling himself with difficulty. I can't say, said halibut,
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  but I don't think it's any good you're waiting at all, because if
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  I see any signs that missus Riddle is waiting for you, I may just
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  give her a hint of the hopelessness of it. You're a perfect Mephistopheles song
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  bulb indignant Major all a bit bound strategy, dear Bill, he said,
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  smiling, A strategy. Now, why waste your time? That makes some
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  other woman happy? Why not try her companion, miss Philpotts. I'm sure
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  any little assistance. The Major's attitude was so alarming that the sentence was never
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  finished, and a second later the speaker found himself alone, watching his irate
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  friend hurriedly frantically down the path, knocking the blooms off the geraniums with his
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  cane as he met. He saw no more of him for several weeks,
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  the Major preferring to cherish his resentment in the privacy of his house. The
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  Major also refrained from seeing the widow, having a wholesome dread as to what
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  effect the contemplation of her charms might have upon his plighted word. He met
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  her at last, by chance. Missus Riddle bowed coldly and would have passed
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  on, but the Major had already stopped and was making wild and unmerited statements
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  about the weather. It is seasonable, she said, simply. The Major
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  agreed with her, and, with a strong effort, regained his composure.
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  She's just going to turn back, he said, untruthfully, may not walk
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  with you. I'm not going far, was the reply, with souldierly courage.
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  The Major took this as permission. With feminine precision. Missus Riddle walked
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  about fifty yards and then stopped. I told you I wasn't going far,
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  she said, sweetly, as she held out her hand. Good bye.
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  I wanted to ask you something, said the Major, turning with her,
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  I can't think what it was. They walked on very slowly, the Major's
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  heart beating rapidly as he told himself that the lady's coldnest was due to his
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  neglect the past few weeks, and his wrath against Halibut rose to still greater
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  lights as he saw the cruel position in which that schemer had placed him.
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  Then he made a sudden resolution there was no condition as to secrecy, and
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  first turning the conversation on to indoor amusements, he told the astonished Missus Riddle
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  the full particulars of the fatal game. Missus Riddle said that she would never
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  forgive them. It was the most preposterous thing she had ever heard of,
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  and she demanded hotly whether she was to spend the rest of her life refusing,
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  mister Hallibut, do you play high as a rule? She inquired scornfully.
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  Sixpence a game, replied the Major simply. The corners of Missus Riddle's
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  mouth relapsed when her fine eyes began to water. Then she turned her head
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  away and laughed. Was very foolish of us, I admit, said the
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  Major ruefully, Very wrong. I should have told you only I could explain
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  my apparent neglect without apparent neglect, repeated the widow, somewhat haughtily. Well
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  put it down to a guilty conscience, said the Major. I see it
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  cheers to me since I have seen you. Remember the conditions, Major brill,
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  said missus Riddle with severity. I shall not transgress them, replied the
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  Major seriously. Missus Riddle gave her that a toss and regarded him from the
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  corner of her eyes. I am very angry with you, indeed, she
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  said severely. The Major apologized again for losing, added the lady, looking
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  straight before her. Maltor Brille caught his breath, and his niece trembled beneath
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  him. He made a half hearted attempt to seize her hand, and then,
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  remembering his position, sighed deeply and looked straight before him. They walked
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  on in silence. I think, said his companion at last, that if
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  you like, you can get back at cribbage what you lost at chess.
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  That is, of course, if you really want to. He wouldn't play,
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  said the Major, shaking his head. No, but I will,
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  said missus Riddle with a smile. I think I've got a plan, she
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  blushed charmingly, and then in modest alarm after boldness, dropped her voice almost
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  to a whisper. The Major gazed at her and speechless admirationian and threw back
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  his head in ecstasy. Come round tomorrow afternoon, said missus Riddle, pausing
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  at the end of the lane. Mister Houlibut shall be there too, and
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  it shall be done under his very eyes. Until that time came, the
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  Major sat at home, carefully rehearsing his part, and it was with an
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  air of complacent virtue that he met the somewhat astonished gaze of the persistent Elibate.
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  The next day, it was a bright afternoon, but they sat indoors,
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  and Missus Riddle, after an animated description of a game at cribbage with
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  Miss Philpotts the night before, bought carts out and challenged Halibut to a game.
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  They played, to, both of which the diplomatic Halibate lost. Then
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  missus Riddle, dismissing him as incompetent, sat drumming on the table with her
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  fingers, and at length challenged the Major. She lost the first game easily
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  and began the second badly. Finally, after hastily glancing at a new hand,
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  she flung the carts petulantly on the table, face downward. Would you
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  like my hand, Major, brill, she demanded, with a blush,
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  better than anything in the world, called the Major eagerly. Molibut stared,
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  and Miss Philpotts nearly had an accident with her crochet hook. The only person
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  who kept cool was missus Riddle, and it was quite clear to the beholders
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  that she had realized neither the ambiguity of her question or the meaning of her
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  opponent's reply. Well you may have it, she said brightly, before Miss
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  Philpotts could lay down her work. Before mister Ullibet could interpose, the Major
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  took possession of missus Riddle's small white hand and mused it gallantly to his lips.
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  Missus Riddle, with a faint scream, which was a perfect revelation to
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  the companion, snatched her hand away. I meant my hand of cards,
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  she said, breathlessly. Really brill, really, said Halibet, stepping forward
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  fussily. Oh, said the Major, blankly. Cards. That's what I
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  meant, of course, said missus Riddle, covering herself with a laugh.
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  I had no idea still, if you prefer. The Major took her hand
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  again, and Miss Philpotts set mister Ulibet an example, which he did not
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  follow, by gazing meditatively out the window. Finally, she gathered up her
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  work and quitted the room. Missus Riddle smiled over at mister Hallibut and nodded
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  toward the Major. Don't you think Major Brill is somewhat hasty in his conclusions,
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  she inquired softly. I'll tell Major Brill what I think of him when
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  I get him alone, said the injured gentleman sourly. End of Section nine