Transcript

self first · Dits & Dahs

Sue: Self-identity is something that gets impacted in my life at times when you have a upset in your life that changes the direction of the life you were living the moment before to what it the new direction is going to be, which is probably not yet figured out. In my case, I'm speaking about my husband's death, but it could apply to probably a relationship breakup or something significant where the day that you live after that event major change. There were friendships that we established during the time that we were together that only knew us as together, and that's the identity that I'm speaking on. It's about the fact that you meld your individuality into this relationship such that people only identify you as a pair. And that when that pair dissolves, there are aspects of that couple's identity. Social invitations, ⁓ you know, how the outside world views you as a couple change. And of course individual surviving that. Yeah, I know for a fact that things have to change. But not in the social way, but they do. You're working More about how do I view myself now? Do I view myself as the surviving half of the couple, but otherwise forging ahead with the same life that I did when I was in that coupled relationship? I think that's what happens when long time married couples get to their elderly years and the surviving spouse is just basically living out the same way they did until the end, with an absence of the other person. Well, I got several decades ahead of me still. Yeah, I know I that's not a guarantee, but given given the longevity of my family genes lifespans, I probably have several decades. Am I gonna live as if I'm only half of a pair for the rest of my life? No, I can't. Because my self-identity is not only rooted in the loving relationship that I had, but also what makes me tick. Me being a musician, how I make my living as a musician. All of the details that now shape a new life. And it takes a while. for people to see you in a different light because they too are very comfortable with the previous identity. I'm not Gareth's widow in terms of my focus of my life right now. I'm not disrespecting that relationship. I am though respectful of the fact that how these outside folks to me see me does. And do I really care how they see me? No. But it's about myself understanding, okay, well, here I am. Four years into this. What is my identity? Now from a practical standpoint, developing my own self identity or allowing it to bloom naturally is also factored into how I make my living. Because what does stay the same from one life to another is you still have to eat you still have to eat and you still have to put a roof over your head. While so many things stay the same, the very important thing about viewing myself as someone who's a solo person, well that ha that's been forced to change, hasn't it? Does it mean that Could I be a solo person for the rest of my life? Who knows? And that's the other key thing. We all ⁓ get very comfortable with the idea that once we settle into a relationship that it's a forever relationship. At least as far as us wanting to have a set and forget it kind of life. An essential part all of that, of course, is being able to make a living. And of course there's always the ageism clock going, ticking. After all, I'm sixty four, I have no pension, I'm probably gonna live another forty years and thankfully I'm a musician, which means that Creatively, while it's gonna be difficult to generate a sustaining l living right now from my perspective, with my music, it can't. With a lot of ⁓ connections and good work. But the practical reality of me being able to be in service to an employer steadily is gonna be contingent on their views on ageism. Really? I was a hiring manager several times in my life. I know how that goes. You take about thirty resumes for one position that you have to fill. And you've got other influences on the hiring side of things in your human resources department saying, Well, that person's got way too much experience for the salary we're offering. We don't hire them. Because they have too much experience. Because that means they're old. And it's not because of their old, it's just the fact that they have accumulated because of their age all of that experience in their view that they don't feel the position that they're trying to fill deserves to have an experienced person. It's common enough. We all experienced it on both sides of it. But from a relationship standpoint, being content and at peace with all of the details surrounding me in my life as a solo person. Are leading me to a place that is peaceful and calm. It is well with my soul, kind of phraseology. But it's because I've gotten rid of my fear and my doubt, most of all, I've gotten rid of the big one, the ego. But there's a serenity in every other aspect of my life that is very comfortable. And I didn't know that I was gonna get to this place. I'm grateful for that. But it's a real mind F. I mean I'm just trying to make do with wh everything that I have and build on it. And I have no idea professionally what I'll end up doing. And I think from the outside looking in, not understanding personally. professionally what is part of my self identity at the moment. Well yeah, that can that could be the type of thing that makes one fearful or doubt your own abilities or bring back that good old ego and say, I deserve this. I deserve this job. No, it doesn't work that way. Find some other way to manage yourself identity. And in the end, so far, what I've learned it's all about being comfortable with your mind, body, and spirit. Recognizing that things aren't what they once were. They won't ever be that way again. But there are multitudes of other things that could be. And to be comfortable eating a diet of rice and beans and tin fish until you find your identity and your work to help pay for something more interesting food wise. It doesn't take a death. Might happen to reconsider your identity of self. Could be a divorce, as they say, a break up, it could be losing a job that you've had for all these years. It's at that time of the break when you're experiencing the stress of that. Right after that you start to gain a sense of calm. Because you know, you cried yourself out. You exhaust yourself out. You get to that place, that moment, you guys say, Wow, now what? And that's the time taking some quiet, alone, solitary, nobody bugging you time. Who knows how long it's gonna take you? Maybe a little bit of time each and every day. But you turn within and you make an assessment. I got air in my lungs. Good check. Not only am I alive, but I believe personally, that's hope. And you start recognizing that within you, all of those things that people were telling you not to pay attention to. ⁓ that's self-lust stuff. That's just such bull. You know, just you make you define yourself by the people you surround yourself with in your confirmation with the EMPB. You recognize that that's all empty stuff because that's what people are projecting on you. They're trying to remold your self-identity. Confirmation. No one can do that except you. And that's when you fully understand you control you. Allow yourself the latitude and the longitude to see yourself and explore how you see yourself. Try it on. If it doesn't work, try something else. But that as a solo person, your identity is your own. If you want to wear brocade and have deep pockets, and I don't mean that in a figurative way, I'm a woman. We never have deep pockets. You want if you want to have those things in your life, you figure out a way to make them. And in the end, little by little you're chiseling out of that granite personality of yours, a new personality, a new identity of how you see yourself. And it's stuff that's always been there. It's just that you haven't fully observed it until now. Because there was no need. You were happily identifying as a couple. Well, that identity is gone. It might come back in another form. But in the meantime, You're living your life to your fullest as you're identifying with. And if you're going through those thoughts, all I can share with you is that you're not alone. You're not the only one having these thoughts. And to know that you have control. And yeah, there are other outside factors which may prevent what you want to have happen immediately happen. Don't be deterred. You are enough. The ironic thing about it is that the better you are living by yourself, the better a partner you make. The trick is that when you get back into a relationship, you don't give over of your identity to that couple's identity, that you retain your self-identity enough to nourish the couple. So you have two self-assured confident, self-loving, mind, body, spirit, wholly aligned soul coupling. And that your self-identity is still shining strong within that. It's a really tough place to come to because believe me, for me, the outside external pressures were always anticipating that I'd always be married. Guess what? I'm beyond that. Will I get married again? Who knows? Am I open to it? Yeah, of course. Because I know better who I am and who I'm not. You are enough because now you've got control of yourself again. You might not know what to do with it, but just let it breathe. Let that confirmation. Breathing is hope. And with hope, in my view, you have all the possibilities to consider and reject all those that don't suit you. And that will help guide you to the more practical aspects of what it is that you need to do just to survive. I appreciate your time and sharing of your energy while listening to this today. And I'm comforted by the fact that I know that I'm not alone. I don't mind being alone. I'm comforted but comforted by the fact that this is who I am. Thank you for listening.