Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / He Wouldn't Leave An Abusive Relationship, So I Cut Him Off!

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He Wouldn't Leave An Abusive Relationship, So I Cut Him Off! · The Mental Healness Podcast

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When your friend is in a relationship with a narcissist,
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it's one of the toughest situations to deal with as
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someone that has empathy, as someone that cares, as someone
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that is trying to be there for the person that you love and
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care about. Your friend, your family member,
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your sister, brother, cousin, aunt, mom, dad, whoever it is,
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it's tough watching them be in a tons of relationship and getting
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treated horribly but not leaving or keep going back and forth
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into it. Y'all?
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That's what we're talking about today.
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Of course, if you're new here, I'm Lee Hammock.
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I'm a diagnosed narcissist myself.
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Welcome to another episode of The Narcissist Code.
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Boom. Welcome back, folks, welcome
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back, welcome back. What is going on, folks?
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Before we hop into today's episode, y'all, what do y'all
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want to see on this channel? What will make you click on the
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videos more? Nobody's clicking on the
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podcast. I had two great podcast
1:02
interviews that I did. Nobody's clicking on them.
1:04
So what do you want to see on this channel 'cause I'm going to
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move the podcast to its own channel.
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What do you want to see on this channel?
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Drop your thoughts and comments in the comments section.
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I'm taking everything seriously, I promise you.
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But what's happened? Today's episode, y'all?
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I get this question a lot, Lee. My sister's in a toxic
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relationship. She won't leave.
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My brother keeps going back and forth to this toxic woman.
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I don't, I don't know what else to do.
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I'm getting frustrated. The isolation is getting worse,
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man, this is so tough to deal with, y'all.
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I'm a, it's today y'all. Go hear a personal story of
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mine. It's going to suck to tail.
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I'm telling you this straight up right now.
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Years ago, before I got into therapy, right the way before I
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got into therapy, right before I got in there.
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Well, it was way before my friend had a son that passed
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away, right? My friend, he had a son that
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passed away and me and his son were like almost the same as I
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ate. Born 2 days apart.
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One of my best friends, he went into a spiral, lost his mind and
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he was in a toxic relationship. Y'all, He kept going back even
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though the baby that passed away was not by the toxic woman.
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Let me say that, right? But he kept going back and forth
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into this toxic relationship. He really did and it sucked.
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He really kept going back and forth in a toxic relationship.
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And I would give him advice. I'd be like, bro, leave that
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person alone. Bro.
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She didn't embarrass you online. Like she put some of the the the
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private stuff that they like they like to do in the bedroom.
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She put it online to embarrass him, right?
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Literally on our on our personal Facebook page to embarrass him.
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Kept going back and forth. They were damn near hit.
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She was beating on him. He was reactive, abusing that
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they had a horrible relationship.
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It was one of the most toxic relationships I've ever seen.
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And this is before I knew about narcissism.
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This is before I even knew about toxic relationship dynamics,
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right? And I was there for him for a
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while. You know, he would hit me up.
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He would like, man, this happened again and I'd be
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getting frustrated, but I was there for him.
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I'd be like, look, man, you got to cut her off.
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This isn't getting any better. Like y'all or not, y'all don't
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work together. Y'all don't fit.
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Y'all are in a horrible relationship.
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Honestly, your relationship sucks.
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It is a horrible relationship. And of course he'd be like,
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yeah, man, you right you right now I'm allowed to get out of
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this. I'm done.
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He would break up with her or she would break up with him.
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She would immediately go online, start posting, start posting
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videos with other women and stuff like that.
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Other other men and women. She was, I think she was
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bisexual. So other men and women, she was
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like, I'm moving on, life is free, blah, blah, blah.
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And of course he would be hurt. He would be calling me like man
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suck man. Now I hate what she does this.
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I need to get straight strong. I'm done with it for good,
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right? And then I told my wife one day
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I was like, I think he's done for good.
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I think he's, he's finished and we have been friends for a very
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long time, y'all. And I think he's finished.
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And this is before I knew I was a narcissist, right?
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And then one day I got on Facebook and I see him write a
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post on her. It was a picture of him and her
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dad got back together. I was just like, what the hell?
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And the caption said what's understood don't need to be
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explained. Oh no.
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Well, well, yeah, that's what I said.
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What's understood doesn't need to be explained.
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And I was just like, I seen it, right?
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I called him. I said, what the hell are you
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doing, man? I thought you were done.
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I thought you said you were done with that.
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I thought y'all never going back and forth to each other, right?
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And this man said, you know what?
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This man open his mouth and said, yo-yo, you ain't anybody
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ever done nothing for me. She's the only person, she's the
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only person that's ever been there for me.
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Nobody's ever done anything. Yo.
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This is this relationship like 6-7 months.
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This ain't even a long term relationship, right?
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Nobody's done anything for you, yo.
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Everybody in our everybody in our friends circle has
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sacrificed for this man, giving him money when he had no job.
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Let him give him some place to stay.
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So that felt like it seriously violated me when he said that he
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was like, man, nobody ever done nothing for me.
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I'm good, don't worry about me. And I was like, all right,
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great. Y'all, I'm a narcissist,
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remember? I don't I at this point is like
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2016, early 2017. I didn't really know, right?
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But I told him straight up, all right, I'm done.
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I told my wife that day. I said I'm never talking to him
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again. He will never hear my voice
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again. And she was just like, no, you
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just angry. You just upset and I was like,
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I'm dead serious. And now that's been, this has
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been, that's what, 20/16/2017? It was a while after that.
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I think it was 2017, right? There's been like it's since
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then. I ain't really had no cover.
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I ain't seen him. It's been 7 years, 7-8 years.
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I was done. And I look back at it now
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because I do a lot of coaching calls with people that are in
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relationships with narcissists and their friends that their
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friends dip out on them, their friends no longer talk to them
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or they cut their own friends off and they feel like they're
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they feel like they're super alone in the world.
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And I look back at that time now, I was like, man, I told my
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wife actually, I told her this morning or last night, last
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night I was like, I cut him off and he was in his house
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relationship. And I feel horrible about that
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right now. And this is years later.
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I just came to this realization the other day when I was just
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meditating. I was like, damn, I really cut
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cut off more of my best friends in his time of need.
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You know, I was like, and my wife was like, wow, we didn't we
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could, we didn't think about it like that back then.
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It was just like, I'm done with him because he don't want to
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listen. He betrayed, he betrayed us.
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He betrayed himself to hell with him, right?
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I don't care what he happens to him now.
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He he's on his own. I don't want to hear anything
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else from him. Right.
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And he was like, I ain't talked to him since.
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Really. Me ain't seen him.
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It's been years. I wasn't Oh yeah, it's been so
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long. And we were friends.
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Literally. I was just two Before long, I
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was with kids. I cut him off and he needed me,
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right? And I feel bad about that now
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because I understand how toxic relationship dynamics work,
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right? I understand it the the back and
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forth. I understand that it takes
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victims 7 times to leave. I understand.
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And I didn't understand it back then, right?
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And I say that to say this, I've had that experience in real
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life, but I just realized that, like, I understand y'all, when
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you have someone that's in a toxic relationship and they keep
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going back and forth, you want to cut them off.
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And sometimes this way, we're sometimes this way.
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If you do that, I'm not trying to make you feel like a bad
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person, right? Sometimes you have to separate
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yourself from it's OK, y'all. It's OK to set boundaries with
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someone that you care about that's in a toxic relationship.
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That's what they narcissist this in an abusive relationship,
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because if you don't set boundaries, they're going to
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bring you down every time you're around them, when you around
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them, they're going to bring up the abusive relationship that
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you've told them to leave 1000 times.
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You're going to be having a happy good day and they're going
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to make bring something up. They're going to start crying
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because of something that they went through and they want to
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talk about it. And then they make the they're
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going to make the conversation all about them, their victims.
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Now they, they are victims, but they're going to make the
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conversation the whole night all about them and then you're going
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to not want to have them over anymore.
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Your other friends and family members.
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Hey, don't invite Lee this time, because last time he came over
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here, all he did was talk about his ex or all he did was talk
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about the the relationship that we've told him to leave 1000
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times. I don't want to hear it anymore.
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If you invite him, I'm not coming.
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You see how now you're the friend that's in the middle.
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You're trying to be there for your friend that's in an abusive
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relationship, but your other friends is like, look, we love
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them, but they don't want to listen.
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They're going to be by the date. They bring everybody else down
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when they're around, they hurt everybody else.
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It's not that we don't care about them.
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It's the fact that every time we around them is drained, they
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they're draining the energy from everybody else.
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They're killing the mood. We don't want to be around them
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like that. You know, we'll talk to we'll be
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friends with them. But if they're going to come
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around, can you please set a bounder and say, hey, look,
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don't talk about your partner because we don't want to hear
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it. And then you in the middle, Just
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imagine if you choose to stay close to your abusive friend and
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invite them everywhere, you're going to lose your other
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friends. And then what happens in that
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situation? The abusive friend might cut you
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off because you set a boundary and then you're alone.
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The other friends don't want to talk to you anymore because you
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chose them. You see what I'm saying?
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It's a delicate, very delicate situation to be in when you're
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in the damn middle man. It really is.
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And I hate the fact that so many people get put in these
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predicament. I was in it like I said, I cut
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my friend off because I got time to deal with it.
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I'm like, man, help. I told you I had to go back.
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You not listening. I'm not wasting not another
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ounce of my energy. And I feel horrible about that
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now because I just woke up to that, right, because I've been
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in therapy and allowed me to just feel, which I hate
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sometimes, right? But it's just I wish I would
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have been there for more, right? Because what if it what if a
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week later he would have called and that he would have actually
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been done. He eventually left that
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relationship, right, Years later, from what I saw on
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Facebook years later. But I, like, I didn't have time
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and energy to hear about that no more.
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You know what I'm saying? I just like he got out of it.
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But yeah, I'm going to reach out.
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Yeah. I know.
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People are like, Lee, are you going to reach out?
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Yeah, I'm going to reach out here pretty soon.
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Yeah, I am. I know I'm not going to keep
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avoiding the reaching out part because it makes me
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uncomfortable. I'm not going to do that.
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Right. I want to do that, to get that
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off my heart and just let him know I love him.
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I care about him. And I'm sorry, right, for
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leaving you your time of need. But sometimes you, that's what
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you have to do, man. Like I said, sometimes it's like
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I have the yeah, I have so many of these stories.
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Like sometimes you have to distance yourself from that
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person, y'all? Like I said, you don't have to
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cut them off completely, but sometimes it's OK to set a
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boundary. Hey, look, if you come over
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here, we love to have you over here, but please can we keep the
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the talk about the relationship to a minimum or can we just set
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a time for we took for us to talk about that later on?
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Like come over here, have fun, get away from the toxicity, come
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have fun, breathe a little bit, stretch your legs a little bit,
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something like that. When you don't wear, you're not,
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you're not drowning in this toxicity anymore, right?
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And that you can set boundaries, y'all?
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You're allowed to set boundaries with people that are they won't
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listen to you. You're allowed to set boundaries
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with people who are in toxic relationships 'cause they have
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to learn how to set boundaries. You know what I'm saying?
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They don't have any boundaries. You know what I mean?
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You don't have to have any. You can protect your own peace,
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y'all. Cause like what ends up
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happening as a friend of somebody that's in a abusive in
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a, in an abusive relationship. What ends up happening is that
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you take it like you are taking that energy on like you have
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this friend. Let's say I have my friend,
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right? He comes to me talks and
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complaints about his toxic relationship, but he will not
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leave that he's stuck in right? He's humble, bonded too, like
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and then I'm sad now because I watched you back into it.
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Now I go home. I'm sad with my wife now.
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Me and my wife are arguing. Me and my wife are having
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problems. Me and my wife are going back
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and forth because my energy is low, because my mood has been
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altered and shifted because I've been do around this.
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You see what I'm saying? You're allowed to set
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boundaries. You're allowed to hit you,
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allowed to create some distance. I'm not telling you to cut your
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friend completely off because y'all think about this right
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here. If you cut them completely off,
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that's 100% what the abuser wants.
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If you cut them completely off, that's 1000% what the abuser
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want. The abuser wants them to be by
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themselves. The abuser wants them to be solo
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dolo. The abuser wants that.
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They want that right there. You see what I'm saying?
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The abuser absolutely wants them to be by themselves.
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They want the isolation. They want this person by
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themselves so they can continue to abuse them.
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That's what they want. You know what I mean?
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That's literally what they want. They want this to happen.
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You don't have to let it happen though, right?
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This is not something that you have to let happen, right?
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You can create some distance, but you don't want to.
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Sometimes you have to write every case by case basis.
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You know what I mean? It's a case by case basis out
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here. It really is, man.
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That's why like literally, it's a case by case basis.
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As you keep moving forward, stay, keep your friend around,
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right? But sometimes you can set a
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boundary. Hey, look, I love you, but
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there's nothing else I can tell you about this touched
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relationship because you're not willing to listen right now,
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right? When you're willing, when you
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ready to leave, when you willing, ready to listen, I'm
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here for you. But until then, what can I do?
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You see what I'm saying? I got stories like this all the
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time, guys. I want to tell more of these
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stories from my real life or relationship dynamic.
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I can, right? Because This is why this is what
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happens sometimes. Like the abuser wants you.
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Seriously. The abuser wants you to leave
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them by themselves because then they got them all along on this
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island, on abuser island. You're a narcissist island.
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Like Gullah, Gullah Island from back in the day, you're a
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narcissist island. Narcissist island.
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It's horrible, but yeah man. So I say I'm I feel bad right
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now because I did cut my friend off, but I'm, I have a
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personality disorder, y'all. I when I felt like he
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disrespected me, y'all cause a narcissist to injury by not
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listening. I had to yeah, I chose myself
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right? But I am going to call him
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y'all, when I call him and talk to him, I'll let y'all know how
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the conversation goes. Y'all.
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I really will. You know what I mean?
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I'll let you know how the conversation goes.
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Just want to let y'all know that I appreciate y'all.
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Let me know what you want to see on this channel.
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I can tell more stories like this.
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I can do more story time. I'm going to move the podcast to
14:13
its own channel y'all because like y'all not clicking on the
14:16
podcast. If you like the podcast
14:17
interviews that I'm doing, go to the mental illness podcast page
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and click on that because I'm going to be to put them all over
14:22
there. I'm doing like 2-3 interviews a
14:24
week. A lot of longer podcasts are
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coming y'all. I promise you this video don't
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run no longer but I normally like these videos but I got into
14:32
the story time in my real life. Anyways.
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Y'all hit that subscribe button and I'm out.
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peace0mentalillness.net for everything y'all.
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I'm out with peace.