Latest / Show, don't Tell Writing with Suzy Vadori / 22. [Show, don't Tell Page Review] Fantasy with Lisa Tisor

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22. [Show, don't Tell Page Review] Fantasy with Lisa Tisor · Show, don't Tell Writing with Suzy Vadori

• 0:07
  Welcome to Show Don't Tell Writing with me, Suzy Vidori, where I teach you the tried and true secrets to writing fiction, nonfiction, that are going to wow your readers broken down step by step.
• 0:18
  We're going to explore writing techniques.
• 0:21
  I'm going to show you a glimpse behind the scenes of successful writers careers that you wouldn't have access to otherwise.
• 0:27
  And I'm also going to coach writers live on their pages so that you can learn and transform your own storytelling.
• 0:33
  Whether you're just starting out, you're drafting your first book, you're editing, or you're currently rewriting that book, or maybe even your tenth book, this show's gonna help you unlock the writing skills that you didn't even know you needed.
• 0:45
  But, you definitely do.
• 0:48
  I'm so excited.
• 0:48
  I'm so looking forward to helping you get your amazing ideas from your mind onto your pages in an exciting way for both you and your readers, so that you can achieve your wildest writing dreams.
• 1:00
  And you're going to also have some fun doing it.
• 1:02
  Let's dive in.
• 1:05
  I am so excited today to welcome on the show, Lisa Tesor.
• 1:09
  She's a librarian and she lives in Eastern Oregon.
• 1:12
  And she recently let me know that she listens to the podcast and she's got a writing buddy that also listens to the podcast.
• 1:19
  every single week and she's learning a ton.
• 1:22
  She came to my fall 2024 virtual retreat and was just really inspired to start working on a story again that she had been working on.
• 1:33
  Um, it was originally a short story that she started 20 years ago.
• 1:37
  I'm really excited.
• 1:38
  She sent me this first page for the show don't tell writing podcast where I do page reviews.
• 1:44
  And so I'm going to read you this page.
• 1:46
  And then you're going to listen in as I live coach Lisa on this page.
• 1:51
  Our reminder, I ask writers to send me something, not something that they think is amazing already, but something that they know needs some work and that they think might be able to use some more showing.
• 2:03
  Then we go through and we add in some showing details to really make the page come to life.
• 2:10
  It's super fun, it's a joy to do, and I can't wait for you to hear my discussion with Lisa.
• 2:19
  Lisa wandered aimlessly through the forest she grew up in.
• 2:23
  She wasn't worried about getting lost, after all, she practically lived in these woods.
• 2:28
  Right now, she was wondering what she was going to do next.
• 2:31
  Her loser of a husband had found out where she was working and gotten her fired with his drama.
• 2:37
  He'd run away after she couldn't deal with the abuse anymore.
• 2:40
  She was tired of being afraid.
• 2:42
  Tired of being tired.
• 2:44
  There had to be a way out.
• 2:47
  Lizzie looked up.
• 2:48
  In all her years of hiking these mountains and woods, she'd never seen this clearing for these kids.
• 2:54
  True, she'd been away for a few years, yet there were definitely kids here.
• 2:59
  They'd been playing when she stepped into the clearing, but froze when they saw Lizzie.
• 3:04
  Before anyone recovered, an older girl stepped into sight.
• 3:08
  Lizzie started to turn.
• 3:10
  Can I help you, ma'am?
• 3:12
  the girl asked.
• 3:13
  I believe I'm lost, Lizzie replied in a small voice.
• 3:17
  I thought I knew these woods.
• 3:19
  The girl turned to the kids.
• 3:21
  Back to class and send the headmaster out here, please.
• 3:24
  The girl turned back to Lizzie, who was still poised to turn and run.
• 3:28
  Emily, I'm afraid you've stumbled through a portal.
• 3:32
  Not many of your kind find their way here.
• 3:35
  What do you mean, my kind?
• 3:37
  Portal?
• 3:38
  What are you talking about?
• 3:39
  Lizzie looked confused.
• 3:42
  Welcome, Lisa.
• 3:44
  I am so excited to be seeing you and talking with you about your page.
• 3:49
  How are you doing today?
• 3:51
  I'm doing great.
• 3:52
  I'm excited to, to get some feedback.
• 3:56
  Awesome.
• 3:57
  And so, you are a listener to the podcast?
• 4:00
  Yes.
• 4:01
  Yes.
• 4:03
  And you mentioned that you and a friend listen to it every week.
• 4:06
  Do you guys listen to these one page reviews?
• 4:09
  I listen to all of it, yeah.
• 4:11
  She and I don't listen to it together, but I introduced her to it because we're both writers.
• 4:17
  And so yeah, so you're following along and you're now you're like, okay, I'm on the podcast.
• 4:20
  Amazing.
• 4:21
  Well, I love talking with people who know what we're up to.
• 4:24
  Um, today we're going to go through your page and you just shared with me that this is the first page so far.
• 4:32
  If you think maybe in the, in the book, do you want to tell us a little bit about this book and what it's about?
• 4:39
  So it's this.
• 4:41
  woman that stumbles into the fairy realm.
• 4:46
  So she's just escaped from an abusive marriage or in the process of escaping.
• 4:51
  The man has beaten her down.
• 4:52
  She used to be outgoing, self assured, confident, vibrant, and now she's just.
• 4:59
  Scared of everything.
• 5:00
  And that's the part I'm having trouble showing is the, the fear and the terror in everything because she hasn't been able to be herself for a very long time.
• 5:15
  And I love that.
• 5:16
  And, and, and what's the, do you know, like, how much of this book do you have written so far?
• 5:21
  Like, are you just in the first chapters, or do you have a whole draft, like, where are you at in the writing process, depending on the day?
• 5:29
  At one point I thought I was done with the story.
• 5:32
  Right.
• 5:32
  Okay, so you do have a draft, but you're not necessarily totally happy with it.
• 5:37
  It was originally a short story.
• 5:40
  Okay.
• 5:40
  And then it morphed into more.
• 5:42
  Yes, we do.
• 5:43
  Right.
• 5:44
  Yes.
• 5:44
  I am not a short story writer, but everybody else on my team.
• 5:48
  writes and publishes short stories all the time and I'm like, I don't know how you do too many words to say, but yeah.
• 5:55
  So, okay.
• 5:56
  So do you know if she's terrified of everything, where do you want her to end up at the end of the book?
• 6:01
  Spoiler alert, right?
• 6:04
  But, but where do you, where do you expect that she'll end up?
• 6:08
  Like will she get through that or will she, or does she not get through that in the book?
• 6:12
  Yes, she gets through that.
• 6:14
  Okay.
• 6:15
  Okay.
• 6:15
  So yeah, so if you're looking for ways to show fear, it's, it's really how she approaches situations and you'll be able to show it when you contrast it.
• 6:25
  Right?
• 6:25
  So as she changes and becomes more confident through the novel and gets some skills to overcome these things and works through some of that as she's away from it, then you'll be able to show her reacting differently.
• 6:38
  So the two places, there's three places that you can do it, her inner thoughts, right?
• 6:43
  So when you use inner thoughts, when you use reactions to a situation, and then also like It's, it's reactions, but the internal reactions are the places that you're going to really see that fear, right?
• 6:57
  So how does it feel in her body?
• 6:59
  How does she react in certain situations?
• 7:02
  And what is she thinking?
• 7:03
  Those are the three tools that you can use out of the group of tools that are going to show that fear.
• 7:09
  Right?
• 7:09
  Yeah.
• 7:10
  Okay.
• 7:10
  You ready to dive in?
• 7:11
  So I've already read for these lovely listeners your page, and this is Lisa seeing this for the first time, which is not always what I do when I coach.
• 7:21
  But for this, it's just one page.
• 7:23
  We're going to have some fun.
• 7:24
  A reminder, I ask people to send in a page that they know that they need help with, not a page that you think is perfect already, right?
• 7:32
  So one that you're willing to work on, and this is the page that Lisa has sent.
• 7:36
  So we're starting, you've done some neat things right off the bat, right?
• 7:41
  You've got this first sentence, Lizzie wandered aimlessly through the forest she grew up in.
• 7:46
  That gives us so much information, right?
• 7:48
  It's great.
• 7:49
  It tells us exactly where we are in time and space, sort of.
• 7:53
  It shows us that she's no longer a kid, right?
• 7:57
  We know that she's an adult because she grew up We don't know quite how old she is.
• 8:01
  But she wasn't worried about getting lost, because she knows it like the back of her hand, and after all, she practically lived in these woods, right?
• 8:08
  So, I would love, like, since we're doing this Show, Don't Tell, and we're having some fun with it, I would love a showing detail or two here to ground us in the woods, right?
• 8:18
  And I've got some suggestions here, and I send you all of this, so you don't need to take notes.
• 8:22
  So you could say, Lizzie wandered aimlessly through the forest she grew up in, running a hand, running a hand over the evergreen boughs that stretched over the path, right?
• 8:32
  Show in the moment that she's calm, but that might not be what you want to show, right?
• 8:36
  Like, cause I can, as the reader, I'm really sure from this sentence or from this first paragraph, how she is or what she is or is doing, right?
• 8:45
  And so.
• 8:46
  I don't know if there's evergreen.
• 8:48
  Like what kind of woods is it?
• 8:49
  When you, when you talk about this, can you, can you see the woods in your mind?
• 8:54
  Yeah, because it's the woods I grew up in.
• 8:56
  Okay, perfect.
• 8:57
  So you know where these woods are.
• 8:59
  What kind of trees are there?
• 9:00
  Mostly deciduous.
• 9:02
  There's a few evergreens.
• 9:04
  Okay.
• 9:05
  And is it, is it somewhere like, I don't know where you grew up, is it somewhere with seasons?
• 9:09
  Yes, it's Appalachia.
• 9:12
  Okay, Appalachia, so are we in winter?
• 9:15
  Are we in summer?
• 9:16
  Are they in full bloom?
• 9:17
  Is it green or is it a winter woods with no leaves?
• 9:21
  Is it fall?
• 9:22
  I don't, I don't know.
• 9:23
  And maybe you haven't decided those things yet.
• 9:25
  But there's an opportunity here to set the stage and it wouldn't take many more words, right?
• 9:30
  Like, it's not about adding a whole page and info dumping all about the woods and all the different tree species and what it looks like and looking around, but she could run a hand through it or something to ground us, right?
• 9:43
  And if you're, you also, you know, have magic in your space, is this on Earth?
• 9:48
  Yes, it is on earth.
• 9:50
  So it's on earth, but then she stumbles into something, right?
• 9:53
  Yes, she goes through a portal.
• 9:54
  Okay.
• 9:54
  So, so this part has to be earthenly.
• 9:57
  And again, you have this opportunity to contrast.
• 10:02
  So anything that you do here.
• 10:04
  You know, it might actually be a good choice to make it a winter woods with no leaves left on the trees and the bark and all the trees are sleeping and they're kind of scritchy and scratchy.
• 10:14
  Like, it's not super nice in the winter.
• 10:16
  This is the way I live also somewhere with seasons.
• 10:19
  Right?
• 10:20
  Mostly winter, but.
• 10:23
  But yeah, that's the way that the woods are right now.
• 10:25
  Right?
• 10:25
  And so, if you had that, then when she steps into the other realm or through the portal, and there's green grass and things, you'd know immediately that something is off.
• 10:35
  Right?
• 10:35
  Like, there's some, there's some opportunity here.
• 10:38
  And you make those decisions.
• 10:40
  Right?
• 10:41
  Or, here's the second suggestion, the forest that she grew up in, tripping over knotty roots with every step.
• 10:47
  That might show that she's completely distracted.
• 10:49
  She's not really paying attention, right?
• 10:51
  Like you've got an opportunity to show these things rather than saying she wasn't worried or she this or she that, you can actually show us.
• 11:01
  That's the reason that I'm asking for the description of the woods and what kind, because Pretty quickly, right?
• 11:07
  Before we're even done this page.
• 11:09
  She's going to be through the woods and out into somewhere else.
• 11:13
  And you have such an opportunity to make that big and make that different.
• 11:18
  Right.
• 11:18
  How do you feel about that?
• 11:20
  I like that.
• 11:21
  Originally, it started with the second paragraph, okay, but I wasn't happy.
• 11:28
  I needed that transition.
• 11:30
  I, at least I thought I did something, especially at the beginning of a book, but actually at the top of every single chapter and every single scene, you've probably heard me say this before.
• 11:40
  But you need to ground us, right?
• 11:42
  So the, the elements of grounding are where are we in time and space relative to where we just left, right?
• 11:47
  If it's a scene partway through the book.
• 11:48
  So if you end a scene and even when you start a next scene and it's like one second later, we still like, it's that portal or threshold effect, right?
• 11:58
  Yeah.
• 11:58
  It's that thing where you're looking for your keys all over your house and you can't find your keys and then you walk through your bedroom door to look for the keys and you say, Huh, I forgot to make my bed this morning, and what was I looking for again?
• 12:11
  Right?
• 12:11
  Um, cause you forget.
• 12:13
  It's an actual brain thing that happens, and it's because we walk through that doorway, and, and it's called the doorway effect, and you walk over that threshold, and all of a sudden your brain says, oh, I'm in a new room, where am I, and what's going on, and then it sort of has to orient itself.
• 12:31
  Even though you were just like, you were just there.
• 12:34
  And so the same thing happens in writing where, where your brain, your reader's brain is going to reset, they trust you, they're going to let you take them forward in time, or backward in time, or onto the moon, or through a portal, they're going to let you take them anywhere, so you got to tell them where they are.
• 12:50
  So yeah, so you do need that grounding that you've added here.
• 12:53
  I would suggest that you, you know, take a moment because very quickly we're not on earth anymore.
• 12:59
  So take that time.
• 13:00
  You've got a little bit of time.
• 13:02
  So take that time, make it interesting.
• 13:04
  You can show us what she's thinking, what she's feeling, all the things.
• 13:08
  And also show us a little bit about those woods because then that helps us understand where she is.
• 13:12
  So the elements of grounding, which I talked over myself and they didn't finish.
• 13:15
  Where are you in time and space?
• 13:17
  Who's head are we in?
• 13:19
  Which you've established.
• 13:20
  Who's in the scene?
• 13:21
  She's by herself.
• 13:22
  Great.
• 13:22
  So we know those three things.
• 13:24
  So that's awesome.
• 13:25
  And then a little bit about the setting, which is also what I'm asking for.
• 13:29
  Good.
• 13:29
  Any questions on that?
• 13:31
  Nope.
• 13:32
  That sounds great.
• 13:33
  Okay.
• 13:33
  So I love this next sentence because immediately I don't really know we're in the woods and you've juxtaposed two really different things, which I think is going to serve you really well.
• 13:44
  You're using this real life earthly issue of being in an abusive marriage, right?
• 13:50
  And escaping that, which is really tough.
• 13:53
  And you're talking about it in the context of a fantasy, which is really neat, right?
• 13:58
  And you're not trying to hide it, necessarily.
• 14:01
  Like, sometimes we take these themes and then we kind of parallel it in a fantasy.
• 14:06
  But you're like, no, this is happening on Earth and she's getting to escape it, I think.
• 14:10
  I don't know if it's going to be good or bad that she stumbles through the portal.
• 14:14
  It could be worse.
• 14:15
  I don't know.
• 14:16
  Hopefully, it's not worse.
• 14:17
  I don't want to read that book.
• 14:18
  I can tell, the listeners can't see your face, but I can see your face and I can tell that it's going to be better.
• 14:24
  Oh, it's going to be amazing.
• 14:28
  It's going to be amazing.
• 14:29
  Okay, I love it.
• 14:30
  So, yeah, right now, she's wondering what she's going to do next.
• 14:33
  Her loser of a husband.
• 14:35
  Found out where she was working and got her fired with his drama, like all these things, right?
• 14:41
  So immediately you're like, what is happening?
• 14:44
  And then really quickly, you think it's going to be women's fiction or something.
• 14:48
  And then really quickly, you're like, Oh, wait a minute.
• 14:50
  There's magic.
• 14:50
  And I'm right.
• 14:52
  So she'd run here when she couldn't deal with his abuse anymore.
• 14:55
  Right.
• 14:56
  She was tired of being afraid, tired of being tired, there had to be a way out.
• 15:00
  So I, I love the tired of being afraid, tired of being tired.
• 15:03
  There's also an opportunity here, because you're talking about this, there's different types of abuse, obviously, right?
• 15:11
  And there's physical, mental, verbal.
• 15:13
  You don't have to explain everything here, but pretty quickly, I'd want to know an example.
• 15:20
  And so that we can sort of place this right, because especially because this topic may be triggering for many people who've experienced something of that nature.
• 15:28
  So it's really helpful to know what, what we mean, if we're talking about verbal abuse, you know, we put her down every day and, you know, yelled at her like, and she just couldn't take it anymore physical.
• 15:40
  I don't know what that might be, but do you see what I'm saying?
• 15:43
  Or mental, you know, He'd cut off her credit cards and, you know, made her feel worthless and she knew that she wasn't and had to get out like there's a way to do it by you're not going to drain the well dry and share everything here, but you've got to give us a hint, first chapter and the first page, first page, not necessarily, but first chapter for sure.
• 16:04
  is a contract with your reader and sort of gives us a warning what kind of book we're in for.
• 16:10
  And this topic in particular, especially because of how you're going to kind of resolve it, might be really healing for people who are looking for this or going through a journey like that on their own.
• 16:22
  But if they're not ready for it, let's give them a quick heads up.
• 16:25
  What are we talking about here?
• 16:27
  Well, and there's also this huge juxtaposition of Women who have been in that situation that are beaten down, they're scared of everything, but they have this, this facade, this bravado.
• 16:42
  Yes.
• 16:43
  That they will get through anything and people, oh, well, they're not scared and I'm, I'm struggling to show that bit.
• 16:52
  Versus laying it out.
• 16:54
  Yeah.
• 16:54
  And that's fair too.
• 16:55
  Like, what I will say is you don't have to have this on page one.
• 17:00
  You don't.
• 17:01
  And again, many women who are in this situation or women or men or, or, you know, anybody who's in this situation.
• 17:08
  People who are in this situation may not know that they are being abused, right?
• 17:13
  Like, like, she's talking about it here as if she's kind of through a little bit of it where she's recognized it.
• 17:18
  She understands that she can't deal with it anymore.
• 17:21
  So you're right.
• 17:22
  Like, I mean, you've got to take a look at where she really is in your plan and on the story arc.
• 17:28
  And deal with it that way, because we're in her point of view and she can only show us what she knows, right?
• 17:34
  So here we're naming it and calling it out as abuse.
• 17:38
  There, that's where using a specific detail or two might actually be more effective than trying to frame it as if she's got it all figured out.
• 17:47
  Right.
• 17:48
  She probably doesn't.
• 17:50
  I mean, she probably, you know, is, especially if it's just happened, is putting on that brave face.
• 17:55
  So, yeah.
• 17:56
  So, so mentioning, you know, if it was sort of a controlling spouse who had, let's just use the example that I brought up, if it was, you know, controlled her credit cards and didn't let her out and she had to sneak out.
• 18:10
  You don't need to say it's abuse, we already can frame that and she doesn't need to name it yet either.
• 18:16
  We can see it.
• 18:17
  If it's something else, then give us a detail or two because that, that sentence does so much work if you can show what those examples are, whatever it is that you got envisioned.
• 18:28
  It gives us a hint, yes, of what kind we're dealing with, but more than that.
• 18:33
  It also tells us we're in a modern world.
• 18:36
  She can't get a credit card and she has to use his Uber account so that he can track her, right?
• 18:41
  Then we know that we're kind of sitting in 2024, right?
• 18:44
  If, if we're not sitting in 2024, use examples that are appropriate for them.
• 18:49
  Right.
• 18:51
  I kind of am setting it modern date because the job she just lost was a remote so she could take it with her when she ran.
• 19:00
  Awesome.
• 19:01
  Yeah, love it.
• 19:02
  That's kind of a new thing.
• 19:04
  Yeah, very new.
• 19:05
  I mean, I worked from home.
• 19:07
  Slightly before the pandemic.
• 19:09
  But I loved working from home.
• 19:11
  I liked it a lot less when all five people in my family were also working from home.
• 19:15
  That really sucked.
• 19:16
  I was like, wait! I'm waking my cat right on the couch in the middle of the day because, like, everybody's on a Zoom call and I'm like going insane.
• 19:25
  So great.
• 19:25
  So examples, but specific, right?
• 19:27
  And then we're saying she was tired.
• 19:29
  I like the cadence of this.
• 19:31
  It's really pretty.
• 19:32
  She was tired of being afraid, tired of being tired, right?
• 19:35
  Like it's a really, really powerful sentence.
• 19:38
  You could also show her being tired, right?
• 19:41
  How does that show up?
• 19:42
  You could even put that in the first sentence that we are talking about, right?
• 19:46
  She's dragging her feet if she's exhausted or her eyes are bleary eyed or something like something you you, you could also tell us.
• 19:54
  Like here, because I like that sentence structure is really cool.
• 19:57
  I can tell that you worked at it and it feels really awesome.
• 20:00
  But you could also show us like, I want to be in her body.
• 20:02
  I want to feel exhausted.
• 20:04
  Yeah.
• 20:05
  Right?
• 20:05
  Like, bring us to this.
• 20:07
  Don't be afraid.
• 20:08
  A lot of showing detail.
• 20:10
  Okay.
• 20:10
  So here I put, she dragged her feet with every step.
• 20:13
  Right.
• 20:14
  Because she's tired.
• 20:15
  But do something else.
• 20:16
  I mean, if you love what I put, by all means, have it.
• 20:19
  It's yours.
• 20:20
  As an editor, I, I claim no, like you have it, but if you don't love what I put, sometimes that's better.
• 20:26
  Cause you're like, Susie, you're out to lunch.
• 20:28
  She's not doing that.
• 20:29
  She's doing this.
• 20:30
  And then that.
• 20:32
  Great.
• 20:33
  Okay, so yeah, so then, sudden, like, I love this, third paragraph, she stumbles through a portal and off we go, I like it, the pacing is amazing, you need to have a little bit, it kind of happens quickly, Lizzie looked up and all of her years of hiking these mountains and woods, she'd never seen this clearing or anyone else in the woods.
• 20:51
  And I've made a few suggestions here just to make it sort of like a little bit tighter.
• 20:56
  But yeah, true.
• 20:57
  She'd been away for a few years, but you didn't show me the clearing.
• 21:00
  You forgot.
• 21:01
  So comments on it.
• 21:03
  And I've got one client, I hope she's listening to this podcast that I've worked with.
• 21:07
  We're working on book four right now and she's got a memoir.
• 21:11
  It's really fun.
• 21:12
  It's about her travels.
• 21:13
  And, uh, a series of books and she always says, Susie, you're just impatient.
• 21:18
  Cause when I say to move something up, she's like, it's down further on the page.
• 21:21
  I'm like, sure, but we need to see something before she reacts to it so that we can ground ourselves again.
• 21:27
  Right.
• 21:27
  So we move that description of the clearing up, Lizzy looked up and now she's commenting on stuff that we can't see.
• 21:36
  So show it to me, please.
• 21:37
  So just move that.
• 21:38
  And yes.
• 21:40
  Okay.
• 21:40
  Thank you.
• 21:40
  So, and then these kids, there's kids there, she's never seen kids before, I mean, probably she wouldn't know these kids, obviously, because they maybe weren't born when she was growing up.
• 21:51
  Amazing.
• 21:51
  Words.
• 21:52
  But here's where, you know, what does that clearing look like to you in your mind's eye?
• 21:57
  What's there?
• 21:58
  Do you know?
• 21:58
  Can you tell me?
• 22:00
  Not at the moment.
• 22:01
  Okay.
• 22:02
  Okay.
• 22:03
  So if you haven't thought about that, like that's fine, right?
• 22:06
  Like sometimes there's things like the woods that you grew up in.
• 22:10
  You're like, okay, that was right there.
• 22:12
  It's deciduous.
• 22:13
  It looks like this.
• 22:14
  The path looks like that, right?
• 22:15
  You have it.
• 22:16
  Here, you need to take a minute and be like, okay, well, I've got to figure it out because I can't show it to my readers until I know what's there.
• 22:24
  And once you know what's there, like, again, make it weird.
• 22:27
  This is magic, and we don't want to feel like it isn't magic.
• 22:31
  They tell us you've come through a portal.
• 22:34
  Make it weird.
• 22:35
  Like, why is she weirded out?
• 22:36
  She is weirded out.
• 22:38
  She kind of does You know, she turns, and an older girl steps into sight.
• 22:42
  Can I help you?
• 22:43
  I believe I'm lost.
• 22:45
  I thought I knew this woods.
• 22:46
  She's got a small voice.
• 22:48
  Clearly, she's afraid or confused, but why?
• 22:53
  Like, it's not like if they just chopped it down, and there's a clear, like, chopped down a bunch of woods, and there's a clearing.
• 22:58
  That's not weird, but obviously something is happening.
• 23:02
  Something about those kids being there.
• 23:03
  There's something wrong, right?
• 23:05
  Yeah, something weird.
• 23:07
  Do you know what it is?
• 23:08
  That's weird yet?
• 23:09
  I'm working on it.
• 23:11
  Is it a vibe?
• 23:12
  Is it a feeling?
• 23:12
  So I've got some suggestions here.
• 23:14
  So how many kids?
• 23:16
  How old?
• 23:16
  Show me a detail or two, right?
• 23:18
  Right.
• 23:19
  And there I've got, yeah.
• 23:21
  And so I need a bit of orientation here.
• 23:24
  And then you mentioned that there's a school in a moment, right?
• 23:27
  So there's a school.
• 23:28
  Okay.
• 23:28
  That's weird.
• 23:29
  Why is there a school there?
• 23:30
  And it looks old or whatever.
• 23:32
  And then, then she can be like, yeah, that wasn't here before.
• 23:35
  But if you had oriented us a little bit with this description, you know, the kids are wearing burgundy and gray uniforms, or they're wearing rags, or they're wearing.
• 23:44
  Jeans and hoodies, right?
• 23:46
  Like, like, where are we?
• 23:48
  And what is weird about it?
• 23:49
  Because if they're wearing jeans and hoodies and they're sitting in a circle in the grass, that's weird, right?
• 23:55
  So why would she be answering in a small voice?
• 23:57
  And why would she even have any idea?
• 24:00
  So the biggest thing I tell writers when they're working with magic is make it way bigger than you think it should be.
• 24:07
  So don't be afraid.
• 24:08
  And especially in chapter one.
• 24:10
  So for anybody out there who's writing about magic.
• 24:13
  In chapter one, I mentioned it's a contract with your reader, and it is, and you want to give them a hint because you're talking about, you know, she's escaping her marriage.
• 24:23
  It's basically 2024 stuff that we're dealing with and earthly stuff.
• 24:28
  Now we're not there.
• 24:29
  Right?
• 24:30
  So make it big.
• 24:31
  Make it special.
• 24:32
  Because in chapter one, I'm deciding, am I going to read this book or am I not going to read this book?
• 24:36
  What the heck is it about?
• 24:38
  So don't, you know, a lot of times we think we want to, you know, hold it back and surprise people with it later.
• 24:46
  It's almost never the answer.
• 24:48
  Because what we really want to do is make people excited and want to read your book.
• 24:53
  And so if you can show them what's weird about this.
• 24:56
  And Lizzie notices and feels uncomfortable.
• 25:00
  We'll read on to see what it is.
• 25:01
  So what does it smell, does it smell different in the clearing?
• 25:04
  What, what does it sound like?
• 25:07
  Like is all of a sudden the birds are chirping and she's walking along in the deciduous trees in the summer and she gets there and there's no longer any birds and the kids are running around but there's quiet and there's no noise, which is weird, right?
• 25:21
  So I invite you to think about those details, and if you don't have them yet, that's totally fine.
• 25:26
  One of the things I suggest is that if you haven't thought through this piece of the magic, take a minute, and it's really fun to do, but don't put it in your book.
• 25:35
  Just know it's a separate document.
• 25:37
  Go and write about all the magic stuff.
• 25:39
  Write a whole page.
• 25:40
  Write as much as you know.
• 25:41
  Drain it out.
• 25:42
  Think about it.
• 25:43
  Have you done that?
• 25:44
  I have some of it.
• 25:46
  I'm still doing some research on it because the group she stumbles on are Irish fairies.
• 25:53
  They're a group known as Pooka, which are shape changers.
• 25:59
  And this particular clan changes into cats.
• 26:03
  Oh, I like that.
• 26:05
  Okay.
• 26:06
  Um, so what, what could you describe about their appearance that would make it feel like, like, presumably, do her parents still live nearby if she's visiting this woods?
• 26:15
  Like, is she visiting her parents?
• 26:17
  Her parents are dead.
• 26:18
  Okay.
• 26:19
  So, so she's coming back to this woods, but she doesn't really have anywhere to be.
• 26:24
  Yeah, she she's found a place to live nearby because it's across the country from her.
• 26:30
  Hopefully soon to be ex You know, okay.
• 26:33
  What's different about these these Fae these Irish fairies that she stumbles on That you could you know highlight?
• 26:41
  What does she notice?
• 26:42
  You know, I mean not to be super typical, but are they all pale and redhead?
• 26:48
  Do they, you know, have pointy ears?
• 26:50
  Do they have something like what's interesting about them?
• 26:53
  I don't know yet, but never noticed one or two things that is like, this is not, you know, these are not there's, or do they have a glow?
• 27:02
  Is there light?
• 27:03
  Is the light different?
• 27:04
  Is the sound different?
• 27:05
  Is the smell different?
• 27:06
  Is there a vibe?
• 27:08
  Is there something, is there an uneasy feeling like anything, right?
• 27:12
  Anything you don't have to do all of these things, by the way, they're just suggestions.
• 27:15
  Mm hmm.
• 27:15
  I'm going to pick and choose, but yeah, pick and choose.
• 27:18
  And then, you know, if, if they're Irish, what's the costume, right?
• 27:23
  Cause that costume might feel really strange in, in a modern, right.
• 27:27
  Give us one hint, give us one hint that something's up and then start to drain it out and explain it.
• 27:33
  But yeah, shock us.
• 27:35
  Have her walk through that portal and the air is warm.
• 27:38
  Maybe like it would be really cool.
• 27:39
  I mean, not that you have to do this, but it would be very cool if it was winter.
• 27:43
  And then all of a sudden there's sunny summer and green grass under her feet and she turns around and the woods are gone and there's a field, right?
• 27:51
  Like, Yeah, something.
• 27:54
  Yeah, make it big.
• 27:55
  Don't be scared.
• 27:57
  It's super fun.
• 27:58
  This is the best part.
• 27:59
  And especially since you've worked on the whole draft and you've probably got the bones.
• 28:03
  Of the structure and you've got all the stuff that needs to happen.
• 28:06
  Here's the icing on the cake, like give us, give us some awesome showing details in this chapter to just really reign it in, especially the first time that you mentioned your magic.
• 28:17
  Okay.
• 28:19
  How does that feel?
• 28:19
  I like it.
• 28:21
  You like it.
• 28:22
  You're excited.
• 28:23
  You're like, Oh, right.
• 28:24
  I'm going to hang up on you now, Susie.
• 28:25
  Right.
• 28:26
  So one last thing, when you've got, she's sort of at the end here, she realizes something weird is going on, but you didn't really let us see what, what's weird.
• 28:36
  So let us see that.
• 28:37
  But then.
• 28:38
  We've got the girl turned back to Lizzie who was still poised to turn and run.
• 28:41
  So Lizzie's instinct is to run, which makes sense because she's just been through this ordeal and it's sort of, she's very on edge in general, but also she senses something's wrong.
• 28:53
  So you've got to develop that a little bit, but there's an opportunity here rather than telling us that she's poised to turn and run.
• 29:00
  You could also let us inside Lizzie's head because inner thoughts is one of your things, right?
• 29:05
  That you can use one of your tools.
• 29:07
  So here, the comment is, we're in Lizzie's head, so you can show us what's going on here, please.
• 29:12
  So here's one suggestion.
• 29:14
  Instead of saying she was poised to turn and run, Lizzie had one toe dug into the grass, poised to run.
• 29:20
  She'd been on edge at home for months, and something about the girl's vacant expression was setting off alarm bells in Lizzie's head.
• 29:27
  Whatever was going on here wasn't natural, right?
• 29:29
  Like, she could even tie it into, And let us see them why she's doing that or something better, right?
• 29:35
  Like, you know, better than what I'm going to make up, but yeah, because I, otherwise I have no idea why someone would run from a clearing full of children playing, right?
• 29:45
  Like why?
• 29:45
  Right.
• 29:46
  I don't know.
• 29:47
  Something's weird.
• 29:50
  That's sort of the feedback I've got.
• 29:51
  I mean, you've got everything here.
• 29:53
  I just love, you know, making don't let your magic slip by.
• 29:59
  One thing that, you know, especially in fantasy, we know that pacing is always like, we want to keep the pacing high.
• 30:06
  And so we just kind of slip these little, like, hints in there that there's magic, but slow it down.
• 30:11
  This is where you can actually slow it down.
• 30:14
  You don't need to go by fast because your reader, your, your prose is lovely, by the way, like it's in really good shape, which means that readers are going to read it very quickly and easily.
• 30:24
  And they're going to skip by this page one so fast.
• 30:27
  And they're not going to really digest the fact that she stumbled into another world, which is the whole premise, right?
• 30:33
  So, wait a minute.
• 30:35
  Yeah, this isn't, it's not info dumping to explain something important.
• 30:39
  It's info dumping to explain something we don't need, right?
• 30:42
  So, so there's a difference.
• 30:44
  And so you can actually slow down those important things.
• 30:47
  And one of the things is, especially in early chapters, what your character wants, Make sure that's established.
• 30:53
  Yeah, right.
• 30:54
  Like to stay hidden or to stay away or to stay safe.
• 30:58
  Yes, that's established pretty fast here and just keep reinforcing that.
• 31:02
  But number two, if you've got magic, don't slip by it, right?
• 31:07
  Slow it down.
• 31:08
  Right?
• 31:08
  Okay.
• 31:09
  So I've put here and I'll send these to you some ways to signal that magic has happened so that your reader doesn't miss it and think that it's just something that happens in the normal everyday sort of experience of living.
• 31:21
  Okay.
• 31:21
  Don't let them miss out on the fun.
• 31:23
  So sight, sound, feelings when it happened.
• 31:26
  What about, what about that scene made a run?
• 31:29
  Was everything brighter or darker?
• 31:30
  Was there a strange buzzing noise?
• 31:32
  I mean, you, you know, you can pick and choose something.
• 31:36
  Did the trees, the grass or the sky change?
• 31:39
  Right?
• 31:40
  Was something about the children off.
• 31:42
  So that's the list that I'm going to send back to you.
• 31:45
  But we've talked about some of those things.
• 31:46
  So just pick like a couple of things and make it weird and cool.
• 31:52
  Cause this is your hook, right?
• 31:54
  This is your hook.
• 31:55
  This is our first glimpse at this world that you have spent.
• 31:58
  How long have you been writing this book?
• 31:59
  So the original short story I wrote 20 years ago.
• 32:04
  Wow.
• 32:05
  So 20 years, you've had this in your brain.
• 32:08
  I just came back to it last year.
• 32:14
  And then I really got serious about it with your Fall Writers Retreat.
• 32:19
  Yay! That's super fun.
• 32:22
  I love it.
• 32:23
  I love it.
• 32:24
  Yeah.
• 32:24
  And that's what I love to hear.
• 32:25
  Right?
• 32:26
  Like, cause really you've got this.
• 32:28
  And if it's a story that's been kicking around for 20 years and you're still interested in writing it, because it also happens that people pull out, actually I spoke to a writer today who was saying, yeah, I've been writing different stories.
• 32:41
  And then one of the stories that I thought I was going to want to write again, I picked it up and I didn't love it anymore.
• 32:47
  Right.
• 32:48
  Because we grow and change as humans.
• 32:50
  Have And you're going to change your why and what it is that you're writing about and everything is personal at some level, right?
• 32:56
  Whether it's about your own life or about something you wish you'd done or something you didn't do, right?
• 33:01
  Something in here speaks to you and is going to be the reason why you keep going.
• 33:07
  And so if 20 years this has been kicking around in your head, like it's time to show us that magic and don't let it be small.
• 33:15
  I expand into it and let us see it.
• 33:18
  I can't wait to see what you do.
• 33:21
  It's going to be fun.
• 33:22
  Yeah, and writing should be fun.
• 33:24
  Writing should be a lot of fun, especially if you're a fantasy writer.
• 33:27
  You know, like actually one of my favorite genres to edit, and it's not what you think, one of my favorite genres to edit and to read is historical fiction.
• 33:36
  And I just absolutely love it.
• 33:39
  And thank you to all you historical fiction writers out there.
• 33:42
  And the reason I'm bringing this up is because I write fantasy.
• 33:46
  I don't want to do the research.
• 33:48
  It's just not what I, it's not how I want to spend my time because I love writing so much that I want to spend my time writing and fantasy allows us to make that up.
• 33:56
  And so, you know, yes, if you're trying to be inspired somewhere, you're doing a little bit of research on that history and getting some of it right and hopefully creating some of it of your own.
• 34:06
  But yeah, so I just love writing fantasy, but I'm I appreciate all the people in the world who get those details right in historical fiction because it's beautiful when it happens, but writing fantasy should be a blast.
• 34:17
  It should be so much fun.
• 34:19
  Well, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today, Lisa, you're going to get these notes and if you have any questions, you can let myself and my team know.
• 34:27
  And I hope to have you on the show again when you are done this and we'll talk about how it went.
• 34:33
  It may be a while, but yeah, I'd love to.
• 34:36
  Oh, no rush.
• 34:37
  Stories get told in their own time.
• 34:40
  Thanks for coming on today, Lisa.
• 34:41
  See you soon.
• 34:49
  Thanks for tuning in to Show Don't Tell Writing with me, Suzy Vidori.
• 34:53
  I'll be continuing to bring you the straight goods for that book you're writing or planning to write.
• 34:57
  Please consider subscribing to this podcast and leaving a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever else you're listening.
• 35:05
  Also visit suzyvidori.
• 35:06
  com forward slash newsletter to hop on my weekly inspired writing newsletter list where you'll stay inspired and be the first to know about upcoming training events and writing courses that happen in my community.
• 35:19
  If you're feeling brave, check the show notes and send us a page of your writing that isn't quite where you want it to be yet for our show notes, tell page review episodes.
• 35:29
  Remember, that book and your writing is going to open doors that you haven't even thought of yet.
• 35:35
  And I can't wait to help you make it the absolute best.
• 35:39
  If you're feeling called to write that book, keep going.
• 35:42
  And I'm gonna be right here cheering you on.
• 35:44
  See you again next week.