Latest / The Steve & Jeff Show / S4 E17 - EXCLUSIVE MADURO INTERVIEW! (and rabbit holes)

Transcript

S4 E17 - EXCLUSIVE MADURO INTERVIEW! (and rabbit holes) · The Steve & Jeff Show

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Steve and Jeff Show, the first comedy podcast in the history of the world.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Assuming the world began when I started talking.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Be sure and follow or subscribe to the Steve and Jeff Show wherever you listen to podcasts.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: Write us a review while you're there too.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: And now, here's Steve and Jeff.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Well, hey Johnny, thanks for bringing us back into the show and great to be here again, isn't it, Jeff?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: How's it going?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: So much is happening in this world.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_02: It's hard to keep up with everything, but what's really nice, Steve, is that we are the source, the main trusted source of real news in this country, the Steve and Jeff show.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just so proud of what we do.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because there are so few left.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Now the CBS has become CBS.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, that's right.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: You're so right.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: We are one of the few news sources that's actually left.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I guarantee you, Jeff and listeners, tonight we will not disappoint.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because I don't know if you know this, Jeff.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: On our show tonight, just the other side of that glass, is the first and only interview with the recently imprisoned or recently deposed president or former president of Venezuela, Maduro.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Now, Maduro is all also, of course, is a style of cigar, so I'm hoping you brought some samples, but I say only interview because uh you understand how enemies of are king bad things happen to them in prison cells.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: They become, quote, depressed and they quote commit suicide.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, I'm not saying that's gonna happen to Maduro, but maybe he's on a certain plane going to a certain island.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: But anyway, I am so excited.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: You don't really have to use the air quote.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_02: What is amazing, and people ask me this all the time, Steve.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: They say, How do you get this to happen?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_02: The other networks, they don't get these kind of interviews.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_02: How do you get them?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_02: And I, you know, I kind of ask you that.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_02: How did we end up getting this guy?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_02: Did we have to like give him money for oil or something?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_02: Or I don't know.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_02: What did you do?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: He wrote us a really nice check.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm just kidding.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's how various others have gotten frames.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: But no, actually, as it turns out, President Maduro and his wife, they are huge fans of the Stephen Jeff show.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: They especially love our opening jokes, even the longer ones.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: They weren't saying, oh, make them shorter, make them short.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: No, they like them.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: So, of course, when they arrest someone in the U.S., he gets one phone call.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: And for a long time the phone wasn't working, but finally it was working yesterday, so he called me with his one call, and he said that he would be glad to be on our show and he'll grant an exclusive interview.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, the only one in the world that I'm aware of, if we tell a Venezuelan joke to open the show.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: That is so cool.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have a joke that he would approve of, do you think?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: As it happens, I do, and I actually think he'll like this one.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: It kind of sings.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: Uh a Venezuelan and an American arrive in hell at the same time.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: Let's personalize this.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Let's say it's President Maduro and our king arrive in hell at the same time.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, let's let's say that it gives it a little more.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_02: I'm visualizing this.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: It gives a little more.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: I there are a lot of people visualizing that, let me tell you.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: There are a whole bunch of people visualizing that.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: It gives it a little more identity.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: So hell is short staffed.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, because of course in hell they cut corners and because they want all the money to flow to the top, kind of like, well, well, they're short-staffed.
• 3:29
  unknown: Yeah.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_02: So they have to when we say short-staffed, we're not talking about the short episode.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: No, this is not short, like short.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: This is like short staffs.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: This is the smaller staff.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a staff of dwarves.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: No, it is.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Please, we shouldn't talk about dwarves anymore.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm sorry.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't understand that.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry I brought that up.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: So go on.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Go on.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: So anyway, they're in their orientation.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: And typically they would divide them by nationality, kind of like, you know, well, but I digress.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: They would kind of divide them by nationality.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, but again, being short staffed, they had to do their orientation together.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: So in the orientation, they say, well, we have divided hell by nationalities, because that's what MAGA told them to do.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: You can choose either the American hell or the Venezuelan hell.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: So our king, ever the inquisitive one, says, Well, what's the difference between the American and the Venezuelan hell?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: In American hell, you're required to eat one bucket of excrement a day.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: In Venezuelan hell, however, you have to eat five buckets of excrement each day.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Now our king eats a lot of crap food, but it's crap food, it's not literal crap.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it is, I don't know.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: But he says, Well, I'm picking the American hell.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: So they asked Maduro, Maduro says, I've been in Venezuelan my whole life.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm going to spend eternity in Venezuelan hell.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: So our king says, Hey, Maduro, you know, you could come to the American hell.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: You won't have to eat so much excrement.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you spend all those years in American prisons, almost like you lived in the U.S.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: for a long time.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: We'll get a bunch of oil, it'll be fun.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know, and not only was he in America, but he came to America the right way, the way our king likes.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: He was kidnapped.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: So but Maduro says, no, no, no, I'm I'm Venezuelan.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna stick with Venezuelan health.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: A few months later, they're walking around, and again, they're short staffed.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Usually they divide these places, but you know, it's kind of deferred maintenance in hell, kind of like, well, you know.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: So they're walking around and Maduro sees our king, because you know, they're both in the same hemisphere, right?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: So they see our king.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Comes over, our king sees Maduro, and Maduro sees our king and says, Hey, how are things in American hell?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: And our king says, Well, it's not that different from the Trump organization, but after I eat my bucket of excrement, I got the rest of the data myself.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: How's Venezuelan hell?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: So Maduro says, Well, you know Venezuela.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: Some days the excrement doesn't show up, and when it does, there's never enough for everybody.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_02: I love that joke.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_02: It sounds a little familiar.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_02: Did correct me if I'm wrong, but did we not do that joke?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: But Russia was the punchline?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: It was the show where we had to get all the Russian jokes out before Russia merged with the United States, yes.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: But now that Russia is our partner and our future, we thought we could change it to Venezuela.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Uh way things are going, we may have to change it to Canada next.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: You did a really great job.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_02: I I don't really think going to Canada would be that bad, but I don't want to go to Greenland.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: I it's just so cold there, yeah, isn't it?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: And Grubhub doesn't have any good restaurants there.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, oh no delivery takes months.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_02: I mean while you were telling that joke, I was going through the last of the gifts that we received for the holidays because you know we celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and you waited until like the endless gift.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you waited until Groundhog's Day to open to open the or Veterans Day, or Veterans Day, which is coming up.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: What was interesting was it was like the last gift that I opened, and it was this box.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: And I opened it up and it's called the Oogle machine.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: I've never heard of that before.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: It sounds like maybe you lost a G.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I I know I've lost several G's over the years.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that's what I thought.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you mean the Google machine.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's what I thought, you know, that it was a search search engine.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_02: But no, it when you open it up and you pull it out, it says it's an Oogle machine, and it kind of works the same way.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you ask questions and it spits out the answers, but in addition, it includes pictures of nude men and women for you to look at, you know, sort of like entertainment, entertaining while you're searching.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, exactly.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_02: Which works great because I you know, I I have to say, when I Google, it's not too far off what I'm doing while I'm Googling anyway.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: So and it showed while you're Googling for naked pictures, it shows you naked pictures.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, it just kind of works.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: So the first one I tried, I don't know if you've watched this show, The Pit.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_02: Have you seen the show?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, great show.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: And Noah Wiley's in it, you know, kind of hot.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I'm not an attractive man.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know, yeah, sure.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, yeah, and and I had never seen him before, or at least I don't think I had ever seen him before.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_02: So I look him up, and it turns out he was in a few good men.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_02: Just seemed like such a a normal, kind of skinny young kid, you know.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: He probably was, you know.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_02: And the best part was that when I was reading that about him, it also included a picture of him in the shower.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_02: Not for me, but you know, for my wife.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_02: And uh you know, it was full nudity.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it was very impressive.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_02: And it's it's a great machine.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_02: I maybe I'll uh I'll get you one next year for Christmas.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I think you've got my Christmas gift already picked out.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I I will take that.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: You're searching there and you suddenly start going into old movies and things.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, you really can go down some rabbit holes with a search engine.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: One time I opened YouTube to check one recipe.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Four hours later, I'm watching the guy build a pool in the jungle with a stick, but I digress.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking of the pit, you know, you're talking about the show The Pit, right?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Great show, really.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: I mean it's outstanding, it's a very good show.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: New season, just out here.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, that reminds me of Pittsburgh, and Pittsburgh reminds me of the Carnegie Library.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: See, I'm I'm going, I'm kind of doing a rabbit hole here already.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: That reminds me of the Carnegie Library, one of the great research sites anywhere, really.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Last time I was there, I looked up making sourdough bread.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, coming some slack.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: It was COVID.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, everybody was doing sourdough.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted a killer sourdough bread.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Started researching it.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Found out that a retired librarian from the Carnegie Library named Doreen Crustwood used the same sourdough starter for 75 years.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: And it was still good.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: And she had actually gotten it from Saint Germain, who has lived forever, and she got it in about 1770 from Saint Germain, and he got it during the 12th Egyptian dynasty.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: Not only that, I mean that was wild, but then I started reading about Doreen.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: Doreen was involved in MKUltra.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't know if you remember that photo, one of the photos around the Kennedy assassination, they get one that looks like E.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Howard Hunt, the tramps, as they call them, they were up at the railroad trestle.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she's in the background in that picture.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: No way.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: I blew it up.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you know, I'm looking this up in my Ougle machine.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_02: There she is.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I see Doreen.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_02: She's naked.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that's the U.L.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: part.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: The one I saw, she was wearing some old coat, but yeah, it was November, so right.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to criticize her, you know, because she's naked.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Well, there are plenty of other reasons to criticize her.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_02: But being from Pittsburgh, if she was, I kind of yeah, I'm from Pittsburgh too.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_02: And yeah, the picture I'm seeing, I again I don't remember if she actually is from Pittsburgh or not, but if she was from Pittsburgh, she's put on a few pounds, and that's because Pittsburgh, I don't know if you've ever been there and had their salads, but they put French fries on their salads.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_02: Oh they put them inside the sandwich.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_02: Inside the sandwich and on the salads, which I think is the only way to eat them.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_02: But you know, it's probably not real good for your weight, and that's something I've been working on a lot.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_02: Trying to come up with a diet that would allow me to eat French fried salads and still lose weight.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_02: Wow, yeah.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's the way, maybe if you just if that's all you eat, or if you eat a smaller one, it might be volume rather than you know, maybe you can have a few fries, but not like the supersized fries, you know, type of thing.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I don't know.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe, maybe.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it could be.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_02: And that, of course, reminds me about I've been looking at these diet plans.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_02: You know, the ones where you take the injections and you take them every day.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_02: Well, now they have pills that you can take instead of the injections.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_02: I've been taking pills, you know, mostly for enhancement purposes.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_02: Not to shrink, but to grow, so to speak.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_02: No, but it but it moves all the blood to a certain part of your body.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and that's how you grow.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's how you grow, but it can also make you look thinner.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_02: And that's you know, that's the goal because it's pulling blood along with fat.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not a doctor, but I'm thinking this is a way to lose weight because if somebody looks at you and says, Well, you're really big there, that's a compliment, right?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_02: As opposed to, hey, you don't want to lose weight there.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_02: No, don't don't want to lose weight there.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, lose weight.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_02: Do you know what I'm saying here?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_02: Does that make any sense?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking of dicks, uh please, please.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_01: I knew this guy, Richard Cotler.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: You know, he went by Dick, you know, uh-huh.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: Dick Cotler.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: Richard Cotler.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you've ever met him.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: He was a short little guy, you know, and he was quite a character.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: He started a uh solar energy company, and he was looking for a good name for it.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: He wanted to name it after himself, so he called it Little Dick Energy.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: And then he he was very successful with that, really developed solar uh all across different parts of the country and yeah, became so successful he decided to open another business.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: He opened a moving and storage company called Dick Moves.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: Dick Moves.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: Let me just go back to Little Dick Solar.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_02: Now, when you say when you say little dick energy, are you talking about little dick energy or little dick energy?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_02: Because you know it's they have completely different meanings depending on how you pronounce them.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: So I would lean more toward the little dick energy, you know.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: But but I'm not sure.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: I never really analyzed it that closely.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: So go on.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry I interrupted you.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: No, that's that's my story about Richard Cotler, little dick Cotler, we called him.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, speaking of little dicks, yeah.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_02: I was reading Oogle about the average size of a male penis, and they said that it was 3.4 inches.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_02: And I said to myself, a little smaller than I thought.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_02: That made me feel pretty good, but then I'm wondering, how do they know that?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_02: And that's that's self-reporting.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_02: I mean is it self-reporting, or is you'd go to a place and get measured?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: So if it's self-reporting, I'm surprised it's not like 12.9 inches.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_02: That's self-reporting would be a little inaccurate, I'm thinking.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_02: Depending on how you want to measure it, those wooden rulers, you know, those things can hurt.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, splinters.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, splinters, yeah.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: And remember the ones in school that had the metal edge along the side?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: So geez, if you're if you're using that metal edge, ooh.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's kind of what I was thinking.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking of measurements, I looked up something and I I kind of went down a rabbit hole with this, but I was looking up matchbooks.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: Because you know, you don't see matchbooks as much anymore.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: And don't for a variety of reasons, and some of them good, some of them kind of sad.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: They were cool, they were nice little advertising things.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I started looking at them, and it turns out they are big collectors items.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_01: The most valuable matchbook, the most expensive matchbook ever sold, actually sold for six thousand dollars.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: It was missing four matches.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it wasn't even.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_02: So if you had one that had all the matches, you're talking what, 24,000?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: No, that that that'd be much more, you know.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: And the interesting thing, it's a wild story.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: This matchbook, it had Charles Lindbergh on the cover, it was created for a Charles Lindbergh dinner celebration.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: It had him on there identified as Captain Lindbergh.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: Well, after he flew to Paris, he got promoted to Colonel Lindbergh.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so the thought is that everybody that that got these at the dinner, there were about 200 that were handed out at the dinner.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: Thought is people probably threw them out.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, I mean, they're matchbooks, so people probably burned them up or gave them to friends or threw them away or whatever.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: So there were about 200 that were printed.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: There are only about 13 known to exist, and they're worth six thousand dollars each.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: Jeez.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: Makes me want to go to every cigarette machine.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: You know how you could in the old days there'd be cigarette machines everywhere, and you could push this one button for matches.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: The matchbook would fall down.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Assuming I could find a cigarette machine, I'm gonna go push that match button and see.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'll just keep pushing it.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no Limburg yet.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_02: They gave out free match boxes everywhere, right?
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_02: They would give out like at banks, and you know, as a kid, I don't know about you, but I I like to play with matches.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I did that all that myself and you know.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I actually Googled that a little bit too.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: I've heard there's a tie-in between playing with matches and shall we say, wetting the bed.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: I would think it'd be hard to light a match when the bed's wet.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it is, you know.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: See, but but I I think it's like when you're sleeping, you can't light a match, so you want to do the next best next best thing, which is peeing, right?
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's the next best thing.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it I think that's a really good point.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_02: And and I remember the last time I played with matches, and maybe this is why they don't have a lot of matches anymore.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_02: Is I was striking the match and a spark from the match, I have to admit, I I I wasn't completely dressed, and that spark yeah, it landed in my private part, my 3.8 inch private part, yeah, right, on average, yeah, right.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_02: And it burned.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_02: I bet.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_02: And that made me wonder what's happened to like venereal diseases, you know.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_02: You just don't hear about them anymore, Steve.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_02: When we were growing up, everybody talked about getting the clap or yeah, or whatever.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_02: Now, yeah, when was the last time you heard about somebody getting a venereal disease?
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: Well, nobody I know actually has sex, so it's it's been years since I've heard of anything like that.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: But I know what you mean.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: I it used to be all over the place.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: People were talking about it, there were ads about it, there were campaigns about it.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you just don't see that anymore.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: I think the world's a worse place because of that.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_02: Don't you think?
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_02: Because I remember when I was young, my dad would say, you know, you don't want to have sex because if you have sex, you're gonna get a veneer, you're gonna get the clap, or you're gonna get syphilis.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_02: And this is what it looks like when you get syphilis.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_02: And then remember the pictures?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_02: Oh god.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_02: Oh god, it'd be like little shop of horrors kind of with the dentist.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, it would be so fucking scary.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_02: That made me not want to have sex, besides the fact that nobody would have it with me.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and it was it was kind of a justification.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, nobody will have you, but I don't want them to have me because I'd wind up in this book with this pictures, and you know, some 12-year-old in some other city is gonna look at me and go, eh.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_02: And that kind of leads me to the question about cookbooks.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_02: We were talking about food before, and that was one of the gifts I got was I got a marijuana cookbook.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: And oh wow, it was so cool.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's gonna compete for my Christmas gift this year, you know, the Hugo Machine or the marijuana cookbook.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: Well, and I thought, you know, it had recipes in it, but it really didn't.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_02: You literally lit the cookbook and got how literally a marijuana cookbook.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: It was like made of marijuana.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_02: It was made of marijuana, and I thought, you know, it was kind of like the Reese's peanut butter cup.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: And speaking of eating, of course, that reminds me of Danish pastry.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, it reminds me of Greenland.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: I look up a lot of food stuff because you know I eat, you know.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: So Danish pastry is not actually from Denmark.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's not actually Danish.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: Is it from Greenland?
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: Some of it is.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: They freeze it in Greenland, then they bring it over and they thaw it.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_01: It thaws in Copenhagen, but it's actually Austrian.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_01: In in Denmark.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we call it Danish pastry.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: In in Denmark, they call it uh Viennese bread, which in Danish would be Wienerbroad.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: We would pronounce it as Wienerbroad.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think I'm seeing uh I'm seeing the theme here with our show.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_02: Wien Wiener broad?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_02: Wiener broad, yeah.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_02: Uh-huh.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think it's a big thing.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_02: Isn't that sort of a derogatory term for a woman?
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_02: Wiener?
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, Wiener Brod is, yeah.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: What kind of wieners are we talking about here?
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_01: The Viennese kind, the Austrian kind.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: So they're not Polish Wieners.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because Polish wieners are bigger.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_01: Polish should be bigger, yeah.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: They're probably about average, I guess.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_02: And speaking of Polish, I was looking up different things, and one of the things that popped up, and I really don't know why, were Polish inventions.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_02: And it was the light bulb.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_02: The light bulb.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_02: There was one that said a book that will teach you how to read, but you have to read the right thing.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_02: To learn how to read.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_02: You know, stuff like that.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: And uh the the famous rocket to the sun, that's one of the great Polish inventions.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: Or solar-powered flashlights.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_02: Wow.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_02: You can't make this stuff up.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: Well, actually, you can because I did, but hey, little dick energy could have could have really gotten in on those those solar flashlights, I tell you.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_02: And are you talking about little dick little dick energy, or I guess I'm digressing like you.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_02: Steve, do you think that I zoom back into dick stuff too often?
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what you do on Zoom, but you know, do that, you know, again, as I often say, I don't care about your private life, do whatever you want to do, but it does seem to be a theme.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_02: Steve, I'm very jealous because it seems like when we're on our show, you have all this great information.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know anything about anything except dicks.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I see I didn't know the average dick size.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's information.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_01: You had that.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_01: So there you go.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_02: I do have that, but it's still about dicks.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_02: Like do you have another factoid that you'd like to share that you know that you found?
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_02: I do, in fact.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: I eat a lot of Trisket crackers, you know.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: I like I like the Nabisco crackers, you know.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I had some that had expired.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so I Googled or Oogled or whatever, whether it was safe to eat them.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they were like a year out of a year expired.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_01: They were really old, yeah.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: So I I looked up and before I knew it, I was inside an Amazon store for expired food.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: And and they're saying all this expired food, some of it like way out of eight, right?
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: So I looked up who would set up an Amazon store with expired food?
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_01: And it turns out It's run by an investment company in Nigeria.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_01: And that same investment company sponsors the Nigerian royal family in their attempts to get money out of the country because all they need is a little bit of assistance to get money out of the country.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_02: See, that's what I'm talking about.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_02: You just have so much information.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, all I can tell you is that the last time I had Triscits, I was eating them in bed, and you know how they're kind of shred?
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I just want to say that it was an irritant.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_01: Well and you know, we were talking about splinters earlier.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: The little things of wheat, those little sticks of wheat.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, those are like splinters.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_01: They break a little easier than splinters, they're not quite as sharp, but you know, in the right place they could be.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_01: They are.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: They still taste good.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_01: But you still ate them, of course.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_02: Oh of course I ate them.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I'm good.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_02: I think I feel like if I wanted to be a better person, which is a goal of mine from a number of years ago, I need to hang out with you more because you have so much information.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have any more?
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_01: I was looking at something a little bit earlier today, and it turns out that what we think of as rivers are not rivers.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: There's this whole website that talks about it.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_01: They're not rivers, they're actually little oceans.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know how most oceans are like wide.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_01: These are narrow, these are like straits, is one way to think of it.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_01: They're kind of like the Strait of Hormuz or the Strait of Bering Straits or something.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_01: They're like little straits.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's like ocean water running down the rivers.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's I it's phenomenal.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of people say, well, okay, the ocean's salt water, this is fresh water.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_01: Can't be the same water.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_01: No, see, what happens is when the ocean water is on sand, the salt stays in it.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: The sand kind of buoys the salt up.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_01: Mud, however, absorbs the salt.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_02: And that sort of explains why when you buy triskets, it says sea salt.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_02: Which which probably shouldn't say ocean salt, right?
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_02: Or it should salt.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_02: Or or it would say mud salt.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_01: Mud salt.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't sound quite as appealing.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_01: They don't want to say mud salt because it sounds like you're eating mud, so to speak.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: But maybe they could say river salt.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like we've covered a lot of information, but I don't exactly remember what we're supposed to be doing here.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_01: Do you We are just about to get kicked out of eccentric Lady League studios here, and turns out I guess we we forgot to bring on Maduro.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_01: Shit, that was it.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_01: Well he did bring some samples.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_01: He's back there smoking a cigar right now, and I hope he brought a few more because I, you know, I'll join him.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: What the heck?
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we really don't have time to get into it with him now because we are gonna get kicked out, and he's really gonna get kicked out.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, they they got the the feds are at the door here.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's yeah, it's it's not pretty.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I think maybe maybe we can get him back.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we'll we'll ask.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_01: We'll find out.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_02: I'm sure he'll be fine.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_02: One thing about this country is we just believe in justice, and you know, if he's guilty, he'll serve his time, and if he's not, he'll I'm sure they'll let him go, and maybe we'll have a chance to interview him in the future.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, absolutely.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: In the past year, it's never been so clear that the rule of law and the constitution, it was a banner year for them, as John Roberts said recently.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: A banner year.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, absolutely.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_01: Now there's a swastika on the banner, but it was a banner year.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_01: Well, this was great.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_01: I feel smarter for some reason.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_01: And aroused.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you look a little smarter.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: I the rouse were at a desk.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_01: I can't tell about the aroused, but the story you do look a little smarter, eh?
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_01: You know.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_01: I'll show you later.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_01: Johnny, can you get us out of this show and make sure Maduro's okay back there?
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: Right, Steve.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: This has been a We Are the Law production in association with Extrajudicial Murder Media.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: Read all about Steve and Jeff at their website, stepandjeff.com.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is Johnny's baby.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: Nick, uh, Maduro said I could call him Dick.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: Nick is fine.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: We're back here smoking a couple of Toro Maduros, and I've told the average Toro length is six inches.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: But speaking of mature thing, I read on my new Google machine that a coin from the Holy Roman Empire fell from the sky in downtown Amsterdam in 1976.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: And on the very next day, the Netherlands legalized marijuana.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: Quite a coincidence, don't you think?