Latest / The Rooted Family / EP 24 | What to Say When Someone You Love Is Grieving (And What to Avoid)

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EP 24 | What to Say When Someone You Love Is Grieving (And What to Avoid) · The Rooted Family

• Christian Cornish: And you have to trust in the Holy Spirit to hold on to them and to guide them. And you are not the Holy Spirit. You cannot pull them through. You can't convince them of something. But I think you said it earlier, when you just invite somebody in and you or you walk into somebody's pain with them, you create the space necessary for the actual work of the spirit to happen. And Let that happen. I've seen enough people go through suffering and really hard time and question God as they should, because I mean one of the Psalms, Psalm 22, starts with, My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? So we need to let people say that. And we need to trust that the Holy Spirit is going to guide them through that. And it might take years. But you can't change what's going on in their heart. So stop trying to. Yeah. And I say that with love and compassion and it takes time. But if they're still breathing, then there's hope that the Holy Spirit still has them. One of the hardest parts about suffering isn't experiencing it yourself. It's watching someone you love suffer and having absolutely no idea what to do. Most of us genuinely want to help, but we freeze. We wonder. What do I say? Should I text? Should I call? Should I just give them space? And what if I make things worse? Most Christians don't lack compassion, they lack confidence. They're afraid they're going to say the wrong thing. Afraid they'll make it worse. And so they either disappear or they just talk too much. Over the next two episodes, we want to help with both of those fears. And today we're going to focus on something that honestly matters more than saying the perfect thing. Your posture, your presence, and what to say and what not to say when someone you love is hurting. Then next week, we're going to get incredibly practical. We'll share the tangible ways people loved our family through Darla's journey and simple, meaningful ways you can carry someone else's burden when life falls apart. Because you don't have to fix someone's suffering. You simply have to faithfully enter it with them. After sharing Darla's story over the last two episodes, we realized something. And that's that God taught us as much about how people loved us through suffering as He did about suffering itself. Today's episode isn't about explaining suffering, as I'm sure you have walked your own moments and journey of suffering in your life. Today is really about helping you become someone who knows how to love people really well when life falls apart. So, where do we even begin? What's the first thing someone should know if they want to walk well with a friend who's grieving? I honestly think it starts with this: it's realizing that your job isn't to take away their pain. Your job is to be willing. To enter it. So why do you think we immediately try to make hurting people feel better? I actually think it's because we're uncomfortable. And I'm speaking from a place of experience because out of the two of us for sure, I'm definitely the one that has probably a harder time entering into my feelings or other people's feelings. But it's not because we don't care. It's just it's really hard to enter into someone else's sadness or see people cry, you know, seeing their pain. And it can become uncomfortable for me, admittingly. And I know it becomes uncomfortable for other people. And so I think sometimes we're trying to fix their problems so we don't feel uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. I think sometimes we don't even know the right things to ask because we're afraid that how they will respond will make the conversation either one, they won't have an answer to even to respond to our question. Or two, it's like we don't even know how to handle hurt and pain because we don't know how to handle hurt. hurt and pain in our own life. And in our own lives, we often try to fix things. And so it's really only natural to want to fix someone else's situation. If we feel like we can. to give an example to some of this is Sometimes when we would share that we knew Darla was gonna need open heart surgery, people would often respond like, wow, that's great. Well, then she'll be all better. That's awesome. Or not even saying like that that's great. But they might ask the question of like, will that make everything better? Or, yeah, like I'm glad to know that she's gonna get the best care. It's like they immediately jump to what they think in their mind is the positive side of it all. Yeah, and I think their intentions were good. I definitely don't think they were trying to be hurtful but they were just trying to move past that pain almost too quickly without realizing it. Because for us, We're not celebrating that. our kid is gonna go into open heart surgery. Yeah. Like they're going to cut her chest open. They're going to break her bones. They are going to go and stop her heart. Like, and we hope that all of that gets turned back on and sewn up and healed. surgery is a massive deal. And yeah. A five, six month old baby, it's almost incomprehensible. And it's almost seemed like how people responded to us was like they could comprehend it. Yeah. It kind of caught us off guard because it's like we're trying to comprehend our tiny little newborn, like what you said, chest open, bone broken, heart is stopped, she's on bypass. we're trying to understand that and pray to God. That she makes it through. But it's almost like how most people responded was they already made it through it. And they're celebrating the fact that she gets to have open heart surgery. And we're like, why are we not? we almost, I think, doubt ourselves in that because we're sitting in the heaviness. And I think we found very few people that were willing to sit in the heaviness with us. Like people wanted to rush so quickly to the conclusion. And when you're the parent, you may even hear this procedure has like a ninety-seven percent success rate, ninety-five percent, ninety, whatever that percentage is. But you can't help but wonder will you be that 3%, that 5%, that 10%? I mean, when you're in the moment, like 10% feels like 80%. It's just it's heavy still. And so someone just saying, that's good, or well, look at how successful that is, you'd be surprised with how little that actually impacts the parent. Yeah. Because you want nothing more than for a hundred percent success. Totally. And there's literally no guarantee. There is not one surgery on the face of the planet that gives a hundred percent guarantee. And the reality is, there's so many other risks that can happen beyond just the procedure, the surgery. And at the end of the day, your child is not a statistic or a number. we're we're talking about surgery right now, and there's so many different forms of grief and suffering, but in particular, we walked through. many surgeries with our baby. And I just don't think that knowing the percentage of the success rate, that is not really a comfort when you're in this situation. I think what would have been better for us, and I appreciated this when people did do this, when people acknowledged how hard it was to surrender our baby to heart surgery. to know that our daughter was going to be under the knife, that her heart was literally being worked on. And there were a few people who came alongside of us in that and really carried that with us. And I would say that that was so beautiful because it was like they weren't trying to fix The situation by giving us the positive statistics. They weren't trying to, you know, fix our pain and make it go away by trying to put a positive spin, like, well, I'm so glad that she does get to get open heart surgery, or thank God she's with the best doctors in the country, or, you know, like God's got you. instead of trying to like put this, you know, kind of faith positive twist on it. I felt like there were a few people who truly just acknowledged like this really sucks. this is really hard. I can't believe that your baby is going to get open heart surgery. Yeah, I think you said something really key there is that we as the parents can now say from experience that we can feel when someone's trying to put a Band-aid on something. Yeah. Versus trying to validate or sit with you through something. And at that point, because it is truly a feeling. You can genuinely feel someone and their genuine care. Totally. And so you could just tell and feel that difference. So I say that as an encouragement of it's not about what somebody said in those moments or how somebody said it. To a certain degree. It's it's what feeling did I get walking away? Like from their and not again, not that they weren't authentic. Or that they weren't trying to be loving. Yes. Cause I think a lot of this happens because people are trying to be loving. It's just they haven't maybe been made aware that when you make these kind of statements or when you are trying to put a band-aid, you know, on the situation, you you're not aware that this is actually. more hurtful than coming across as loving. And I say that as somebody who was doing this in the past, I think, and putting the band-aid on or kind of listening, but not really being as empathetic as possible. And so I look back and I say, I I erred in that way. I probably wasn't making people feel as loved or seen. And so it's a little brutal to be this honest about it, but also we're saying this as an encouragement total and to be a a help. Yeah. To be more genuine in showing the love of Christ. Yeah. Is to remove yourself and and what your uncomfortableness so it's it's truly an encouragement to that. Yeah, and like I said earlier, I don't think it's a compassion issue. Like as believers, we all want to be there for the hurting when someone is grieving a lost loved one or when someone has received news of cancer. You know, we all have stories in our own life of suffering. We all know people that are suffering. And I know genuinely we all want to be there for people, but just like people skills and emotional skills. sometimes we just don't learn these type of things. they certainly aren't being taught in school. And I think truly walking through suffering teaches you so much. And we're not sitting here thinking like we're so wise, we know exactly how to do this. I think we're just speaking from personal experience on What did it look like for people to walk alongside of us while we were going through some of our hardest days of suffering and grief, which I know I'm sure there will be many more days because we live on this earth that's broken. But just from this time period, about a year and a half of us walking through some pretty heavy stuff, I think the biggest thing is we really want to see the body of Christ be equipped. To love people well, because we can say all day, we love people, or we love because God first loved us, like, and we want to do that. But I think that just like practicing rhythms, practicing Sabbath, all these other things, like living out our faith, there are intentional things you can do to live these things out better. I think that's beautifully said, and a simple framework to support you if you're listening to this and kind of our second point today is to validate before you encourage. Which almost kind of seems like backwards because I think our inclination is to encourage first. yeah, a simple framework around this is to validate, to sit with somebody, and then to offer hope. Validating is so simple. It's really instead of jumping to like a band-aid solution or an encouragement, like you said, it's simply saying something like, Wow, that is so hard. Or I I am so sorry you are going through this. I like how you said it earlier. You said helping someone feel seen. Because I do think that's part of the validation. I think you're truly choosing words and your presence to help that person who's going through a hard time just feel seen that they're they're walking through a hard time. And I think people who haven't walked through deep pain and suffering yet may think that giving scripture or giving some sort of encouragement or putting a positive spin on something that that is the right place to start. But I think for those of you who are listening that have walked through something pretty heavy, I think you know what we mean by this. that when when you get some of those cliches or even scripture like the word of God is absolutely like honey to the soul but I think what we're saying is don't just toss these things with the heart of trying to fix that person's pain because you're uncomfortable with the pain. Yeah. I I'm gonna give an analogy. you are at the door with somebody, and if you don't validate first, you just kind of crack the door open, but you're not really face to face. Like when someone's hurting, that door is closed. Your emotions are making you closed. Yeah. And there's by the way, there's nothing wrong with that. When you're in that state, like that's just how it is. And by saying to somebody Wow, that is really difficult. Or I am so sorry you're going through that. You don't realize it, but what emotionally what you're doing in that moment by validating is you're getting the door open. So you actually are in front of each other and seeing each other face to face. And when you don't do that, you're just sitting there and the door is pretty much closed. You can hear each other through it. Your encouragement is going through that crack and you're it's kinda like when the salesman's at the door and you're like, All right, cool, bye. Like thanks for ever. Thanks for coming by. Have a nice day. you're you're just as the person who's suffering, you're just not able to open that door. Or receive it. And receive it. And it's not anyone's fault, by the way. Like I'm I'm not trying to make light or judgment on either side of the door. But what I'm saying is the validating part allows the door to open. And then you can sit together. Yeah. And once you start sitting with each other, now the person who's struggling, if there is an option to offer hope, that is when they can hear you actually and receive you. But they're not gonna be able to do that before. Wow, that is so beautiful. You have you have not shared that analogy with me before, and I was so blessed. Listening to that. that is such a beautiful picture of what it looks like to love someone well. Because this is the same thing with evangelism. You know, you can throw tracks at people all day. You can stand on the street corner and like yell at people that Jesus saves. But unless someone invites you in, meaning they invite you into a conversation with them because they feel safe, they feel Like they're seen, they feel, they actually feel loved by you, people are going to just not hear you. And I think we all want to say words that are heard. I think we all want to give hope and encouragement that is heard. So, like taking that analogy, I think even one step further and saying, like, okay, now the person feels like they can open the door to you and you in. And the moment you're invited into the suffering and into that person's like sphere, I I really think that that person can now hear you and your loving words and your encouragement and your wisdom and your advice, anything else that you feel prompted by the Lord to offer, I think that person's walls are down at that point. But I think you said it great. in order to even have that person who's hurting open the door to you. you have to almost create a safe space for them to feel like they can invite you in. They don't want to feel like you're just there to just point the finger at them and judge their grief or to make them feel like you know exactly how to get them through this situation, even though they might not have ever gone through it before. they don't want your cliches, they don't want to hear just, you know, a sweet sentiment. I think a a truly hurting person wants to know that you are a safe space, someone who's going to just breathe life into them in a time where everything feels dark and lonely honestly, when you're walking through something so dark and like a desert in your in your faith and in your situation, you feel like you are alone in that. And so if you are the person trying to help the hurting, I think that it's so wise that we acknowledge the hurting first. Yeah. Do you recall or have any experiences you remember of somebody coming to you and how they validated you? any other ways that we haven't hit on I remember specifically like When we were in the NICKI Darla, we were there for almost five months. And I remember there were certain nurses or doctors or even physical therapists, who would come in and they wouldn't jump right in to the care of Darla. They took time to acknowledge me as mom and genuinely ask, How am I doing? And I remember several of them saying, like, what you are walking through, like they would just acknowledge it. Like what you are walking through is so hard. Like, I can't believe that you are here, you know, having a smile on your face, or it's so wonderful to see you here with Darla, even though you have, you know, six other kids back at home. even the the practitioners went out of their way to just acknowledge the pain. And I thought that was really beautiful. it's almost like the doctors could have come in or the the nurses or whoever could have just jumped right into the care. But there were a few that really did, I feel like, go above and beyond to just say, I'm so sorry you're going through this, or this is really hard. Yeah, it's like they gave you permission to hurt. Yes. To grieve. Mm-hmm. And I think that's something that, like I said, when I'm not in my best emotional healthy state, I'm trying to like ignore those things. And so I don't want to be that person that makes other people feel like the depth of their feelings is being ignored. Totally. Because they're They're just valid. Mm-hmm. They are valid. Yeah. And there's such a fine line because obviously we're all gonna walk through hard things. we can't live our whole life depressed or controlled by our circumstances. Like I truly do believe in the scripture when it says that the Lord is our joy and the Lord is our strength and he can give us peace that surpasses understanding. Like all those things are true. They can also be true at the same time of someone feeling very deep pain. And I think that's another thing about suffering is that it is very complicated and it's very nuanced. And the person that's suffering can actually feel both gratitude and grief, or like suffering and joy at the exact same time. And for the person on the outside, it can feel a little bit. confusing because we might even judge. We might be like, how can that person be smiling right now? Yeah. But I think that it's good to acknowledge both. I think that as people who are loving, hurting people, it's good to say, this is really, really hard. And it's also so beautiful that you're carrying a smile right now. I think there's one more aspect to all of this, especially as believers talking to other believers. We probably almost get afraid that somebody's gonna like question God and lose their faith. Yeah. Or walk away from their faith. And so the other part I want to encourage you in is let people question. Like there's this whole movement about deconstruction, and like half of it is a joke. you have got to let people wrestle and come around to their own strength in the Lord. And you have to trust in the Holy Spirit to hold on to them and to guide them. And you are not the Holy Spirit. You cannot pull them through. You can't convince them of something. But I think you said it earlier, when you just invite somebody in and you or you walk into somebody's pain with them, you create the space necessary for the actual work of the spirit to happen. And Let that happen. I've seen enough people go through suffering and really hard time and question God as they should, because I mean one of the Psalms, Psalm 22, starts with, My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? So we need to let people say that. And we need to trust that the Holy Spirit is going to guide them through that. And it literally might take years. But you can't change what's going on in their heart. So stop trying to. Yeah. And I say that with love and compassion and it takes time. But if they're still breathing, then there's hope that the Holy Spirit still has them. And we need to hold on to that because it's not fair to them. Like it's it's just not fair to them. And I've seen so many people come through to the other side with a very strong, often a stronger faith. And so if you try to circumvent that, you're robbing them of stronger faith. And we can't do that to people. So good and so true. robbing them of what God could be doing in and through them. how often do we want to control like everything in life? maybe part of this is a control issue. I think that the person that's not suffering, we hate that whatever is happening to the sufferer is happening. And we want to control in some way. And if we see the person hurting, like quote unquote walking away from their faith or asking really messy, hard questions that almost make, you know, people in church feel uncomfortable. We don't want that. we want to control that person's faith journey. And we forget that it really is in the depths, in the valley, the valleys that we walk through, that we can experience God in the most raw, like purest state, because we have nothing left. And I think we want to just say, you know what? I don't want this person to hurt anymore. And I want this person to know the Lord and I want them to stay with the Lord. So we're just gonna keep throwing Bible verses at them. We're gonna keep trying to control the situation, not realizing that God could be using this exact pain and suffering to draw this person closer to him. And if I've learned anything in the last two years, I think you would agree. It's that we've learned how little control we actually have. And the person who's going through grief and suffering is actually in the midst of that wrestle, of actually realizing that truth. Yeah. We control so much less than we think we do. And it's not fair, again, to To try to rob somebody of that realization. Yeah. And often we don't realize it ourselves. So we're still trying to control. And again, with all the best intentions, with the concern. But if you hear all of this, you hear this theme of it it's still about you. Mm. And we agree walking with somebody in grief and suffering is not about you. Yeah. We need to make it about them. Yes. That's good. You know, I think somewhere along the way, especially in the modern church, that we have forgotten the practice of lament. We know how to celebrate really well. And even praise, I feel like praise is such a beautiful part of church and Sunday worship. We know how to encourage and bless one another. but we've become uncomfortable with grieving. And you know, when you look at even the Old Testament, grieving was a thing. Like they ripped their shirts, they shaved their heads, you know, they they spent weeks, they actually had dedicated weeks and months. For grieving. And I think in I don't know, I don't it's something unique in today's society where I think people lean really into this Pollyanna mindset of, well, we just gotta be strong and have faith. And almost like judging people if they are grieving, like, where's their faith? And I do wonder if that is like shortcutting people's journey with the Lord by not giving people permission to lament. I agree with you a hundred percent. And, you know, first of all, let me say thank you for explaining the word Pollyanna. I'm a simple man. And I was lost with you for a second, but you really did a great job of explaining that. I think that You're right. I don't know if it's like an American Western thing where we are very much like pull up your bootstraps, like figure it out. it's almost individualistic too in that sense. Mm-hmm. And I was just thinking about when you said that, how you go to church on Sunday morning and we do sing these beautiful songs about God getting us through hard things. that's probably like the most popular praise and worship songs in like the last ten years are like like standing strong, being victorious. Yeah. there's so many songs that are about God like rescuing us or his goodness taking us from something that's hard to not being so hard anymore. And that's not lament. That is like trying to have a positive attitude. I think you did a great job of explaining. Like, lament is the moment of grieving. And lament there's a lot of psalms that are not even wrapped up with like the positive spin that I think we often want to see happen. Like, have you ever read a psalm and you get to the end and you're like, that was just kinda like depressing. Yeah. some of the Psalms do have like these depressing moments and then that by the end it's like, but God, you will be faithful, you'll save me. You are my rock and my fortress. Yeah. And that's some of them. Uhhuh. But there are some that like just do not turn it around by the end. It's like the novel where like everyone dies and then that's it. There's no happy ending. Yeah, no one wants to read that. Yeah. And so I think you make a really great call out that lament is kind of lost. I think sometimes we think that's lament of like expressing to God that something is is difficult. But if we just turn our attitude like toward, but he's gonna work it all out, and we shortcut the grieving, then we're not really getting to the bottom of like what the Lord really wants for us to do. Mm-hmm. I think it comes back to this idea that we just don't know how to handle our own emotions. And so we really struggle when other people are having very deep hard emotions. We are afraid to let people sit in those emotions. We almost need to look at ourselves first, before we can care for people who are going through deep hard things. We also need to say, you know what, what deep hard thing do I need to just walk through? Like, what do I need healing from? Because I think the more healed we are as the body of Christ, the more we can help walk through suffering and hard times with people. in a healthy way and not rush people through the season of lament. Yeah, we don't want to rush people through lament. love how you said that. Because when we do that, we're only thinking about our discomfort with their circumstance or their pain. Yeah. That's definitely not fair to the person who's going through their totally. we have to give even the most faithful people Permission to grieve in a messy way. And that's what lament is. lament is messy. Like you think about David in the book of Psalms, he brought his confusion, his fear, his anger, his disappointment. Like he brought all those things straight to God. And he wasn't hiding any of his emotions. And so I do think that when we truly embrace lament as Part of the Christian journey, part of the spiritual formation. It really isn't the absence of our faith. It it becomes one of the most deepest expressions of our faith. Yeah. shout out to our pastor Bryce today, was talking about this idea with the story of Abraham and how Abraham is like, Okay, God, you promised me all this stuff, and so how are you gonna make it happen? And that is not the absence of faith. That is actually bringing it to the Lord and saying, I believe in you, but I'm not seeing your plan. That just saying I don't I don't see your plan is not the absence of faith. It's actually having faith in him to say, okay, like what are you doing? Yeah. It's not just walking away. That would be the absence of faith. And and we are not expressing absence of faith when we express lament. We're actually expressing a deep faith Because we are taking it to the Lord. Yeah. And saying, Well, what are you doing? And if we've never learned to lament before the Lord, then someone else's lament makes us uncomfortable too. Yeah. I agree with you. Can I ask you something? 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Now back to the episode. the next point we want to talk about are, I hope this section is helpful for you, but maybe some specific things not to say to someone who is hurting, who is walking through grief and suffering. And I think before we begin this section, I just want to say don't knock yourself or hold shame over yourself if you have said these things before, because We don't know what we don't know. And like I said earlier, a lot of us haven't been taught these kind of things. really unless you walk through pain and suffering, you wouldn't even really know maybe the right things to say and not to say. So we're just speaking from a place of like, hey, when we were walking through pain, these were things that just were not really helpful. And the in just a little bit, we're gonna share things that you can say that will be helpful. but like I said, just don't beat yourself up if you feel like you have said these things before. But just I think moving forward, you can say, you know what, I'm gonna tuck these little things away as things that I'm just going to avoid speaking with hurting people in the future. I think it's really wise to say that because we're all learning and growing. And there's nothing wrong with that. So something that is said sometimes often is at least. Try not to say at least, right? At least she's alive. At least it's not this bad. At least they didn't have to, you know, get this extra surgery. Or anytime something starts with at least it starts to minimize someone's pain unintentionally. I get it, you're comparing it to something that could be worse, but the truth is that timing really matters. And it just it can unfortunately feel dismissive to the one who's who's struggling. Yeah. well and I think the truth is what that person is walking through, whether or not you see it as terrible or painful or whatever, it is painful to that person. That's the truth, they're going through something that's hard. And I always have found it really helpful to never compare suffering with someone else's suffering. I think Elizabeth Elliott, famous missionary, she said it really well that suffering is essentially not getting what you want or getting something you never wanted, as like a very basic definition of suffering. And it's one of those things that everyone is going through different. types of suffering in their life and what they're going through is very real to them. So when you're comparing it by saying, well, at least, you know, it's not as bad as it could have been, or at least, you know, you still have your child, or at least you whatever, that whatever it is, it like you said, it it really is dismissing the pain that that person is experiencing. I think another phrase That can feel dismissive unintentionally is when someone says, God's got this again, of course he does. But when you say that, especially up front, you know, maybe on the back end as some as hope after you have validated somebody and you've sat with them. But when you say it up front and that door is still closed. I really like what you talked about earlier. It's it can feel a little bit like somebody just threw a Bible track at you. Uh-huh. And you're like, nah, I ain't gonna open that. Because it is true. Like there's truth in that. Like God has this for real. 100%. And I think a lot of times we know that, you know, as believers, we are trusting that He has us. I think a lot of times people who are walking through pain and suffering that are deeply rooted believers, they really do believe in their heart that God has it. their pain and their tears are not coming from that. Right. They do believe that. It's the fact that God is not changing their circumstance and it's painful. Yeah. I mean if you go back to Psalm 22, it's what I talked about earlier around like let people's feel The the pain. Yeah. Psalm twenty two starts out with, My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I call for help? Every day I look to you and you do not answer. So okay, you hear those words. And then now someone just walks in the room and says, God's got this. Like, no, you are so far emotionally and spiritually away from that in that moment That does not bring you any closer to the Lord. And so I say that to say like, it does matter when someone looks you in the eye and says, God's got this, but they have validated it with you and they've sat with you. Or even cried with you. And cried with you. It then it can get through the door with your heart. Yep. But if you say it too early, like the timing on that one really, really matters. Well, and if you think about it, like when people are walking through pain and suffering, they're asking some pretty tough questions. For example, they're praying their guts out for a miracle. And God is not giving them a miracle the way that they are asking for. And when you say something like, God's got this or everything happens for a reason, which is another cliche, it really It's not helpful because that person is asking a much larger question. They are wrestling with the fact that they may be a very faithful person. They love the Lord deeply. They've maybe walked with the Lord most of their life. Like this is just an example. And the Lord is not answering their request to give them a miracle. And so they're wrestling with this God who can heal. He can heal flesh if he wanted to. And he knits babies in the womb. God can do all these things, and yet he's not doing this for me. And I think that this is where theology gets really messy, especially in some churches that believe the harder you pray or the bigger faith that you have, or the more you plead on someone's behalf, God is gonna then Answer that with healing. And if if you don't have the healing yet, it's because you haven't prayed harder or your faith isn't bigger than a mustard seed. And these things get very messy in times of pain and suffering because we personally don't believe that God is just going to miraculously heal someone because their faith is big enough. In fact, there's many stories in the Bible where God did not heal. When he could have healed, and people have walked with a limp the rest of their life, or they walk they walked with some sort of pain the rest of their life, and it wasn't because they weren't faithful, it was literally because that's what the Lord was doing in their life. And who knows what the answer was? I don't know, I can't say. But I think sometimes when we say everything will be okay, or God's got this, or Everything happens for a reason, like some of these things, it really does give false hope where you cannot promise hope. Yeah, especially when you say everything will be okay. or like when you say God's got this, like what do you mean by that? Do you mean he's gonna miraculously heal your kid? What if your kid dies? How is God taking care of this? And that's a personal wrestle for the person walking through that. Yeah. And you as the person receiving feel almost like the one who says that is God's got this. And then wiping their hands said my prayer. And now I'm gonna go about my day and forget you. that's what we don't want people to feel. We don't want people to feel like, I washed my hands of this. And now I'm going about my day, have a good day. Yeah, exactly. And another one I think too is everything will be okay. I received this quite a bit, actually. I had received DMs, messages from people saying like, She's gonna make it through, or these surgeries are gonna help her to do, you know, whatever, X, Y, and Z. She's gonna be okay. Everything will be okay, like that kind of sentiment. And I get it. Like, again, people are trying to be loving, they may not know what to say, but what it actually did for me in my heart was it created some sort of resentment, not necessarily towards the person, but I think just an overall resentment because I I I I was confused. I was like, how can you say that? Like, do you actually know that my baby is going to be okay? Like, do you actually a hundred percent know she's gonna make it through open heart surgery? Because I don't know that. I know God knows that, but I don't know that. And the the surgeon hasn't even promised me a hundred percent guarantee. So how do you know that? And to me, it felt either like she or he has a open door to God's voice that I don't have. Or two, they again, this person is just trying to make themselves feel better or make me feel better with a sentiment. But what it did in my heart was creates confusion. Yeah, and we definitely don't want to do that. You know, something you could say, and I I think is really powerful is to say, even simply, I'm praying alongside of you. I'm praying along with you. I'm trusting God with you. Something that creates the sense of I'm walking alongside of you in this with the Lord. Yeah. And I'm praying the prayers that you have. Like it it really does make the person who is going through something hear and feel that you are trying to walk alongside of them in that moment. And you're not physically like, I mean, literally a text saying, I'm praying alongside of you just creates that sense of okay, someone's in my court. Yeah. And someone is choosing to enter into my court. Yep. Enter into my home, enter into whatever analogy you want to use. It's not important. But walking with me. Is walking with you. And it says I'm coming alongside of you. And that's if I give you any encouragement, like that is a great phrase to communicate that you're not at a distance. You're not moving on now with the rest of your day and you check the box. It really does allow someone to feel and know that you See them. Yeah. And that you're not gonna just walk away in that moment, like you know, because you made yourself feel better. Yeah. Yeah. And with that sentiment, I know that we're not talking about things to say right now, but one idea too is to say, I'm grieving with you. How often do people actually not just say I'm praying for you, but actually grieve with you. Actually hurt. hurt with you, cry with you, carry the pain with you. And I feel like that, I mean, that is really what the body of Christ has been called to do. one thing we'd encourage you not to say is I know exactly how you feel. And I think this is probably one that most of us have learned to not say, but it is true that we do not know exactly how that person is feeling. We may have an idea, like maybe you have walked a similar road as that person. every single circumstance that people walk through on this earth is unique. No one will walk the exact same path, and therefore everyone's pain and suffering and the hard feelings that we experience, although there are similarities, we all have something unique that we're experiencing. Yeah. And it's it's good to acknowledge that. Yeah. It wouldn't be fair for me to if I talked to somebody who got in a car accident, I've been in a car accident. I it would not be fair if they went into surgery and they were injured and they needed physical therapy. Like we all walked away fine. Like there was no complications of that. So yeah, I have that shared experience of like, I know it's scary to be in a car accident. But it would not be fair for me to say I know exactly how they're feeling in that instance. Like because I don't totally. Talk to me about the words stay strong. How do you feel about someone telling you to stay strong when you're walking through? Pain and suffering. That one feels complicated. again, I'm gonna go back to the door analogy because if someone just says stay strong, but that door is closed, I mean it's like, cute, thanks. Like it just feels like a cute cliche. If someone is literally been validating my feelings sitting with me, we've gotten to the bottom of it, and then they say, Hey, stay strong. Cause truly, like at some point there are days where like you just kind of gotta buckle up buttercup and be strong. Like there's just not something else you can do. But you can't accept that until you're at a point where like, yeah, I I do need to stay strong right now. I'm ready to stay strong. But yeah, I would say ninety percent of the time it just It feels like it's said too early, the door is closed. I think the reason I don't feel it. If the reason why we don't feel it when we're walking through pain and suffering is because we don't feel strong. Yeah. When people say stay strong, at least this is how I felt, I'm like, what do you mean stay strong? I'm not strong at all. Like there is literally not one ounce in me that feels strong right now. In fact, I feel so weak. It's like you're at the end of a workout. Like you just went hard. Uh-huh. You're done. Yep. There's nothing left. like if you ever do push-ups, I hate push-ups. You get to a point where you literally can't do another one. Totally. So then to turn to somebody and say, hey, stay strong, keep going, it's like, no, it's called my muscles cannot move anymore. Yeah. it does feel that heavy though. Like some days in grief, like, you're like, I have been fighting all day to stay strong. Totally. I am at my wit's end. The strength is gone. And especially because, as believers in Christ who are walking with Christ daily through this, I think the only reason we could stand on our two feet in a situation like we went through was because he literally gave us strength. So for me, when someone said stay strong, I'm like, you're talking to the wrong person. Like talk to the big guy. Tell him to give him more strength. Wow, that's amazing. Because I just felt like that. I I knew that if you saw any strength in me whatsoever, it was not from me. And maybe that's the power of walking through something like what we did and always just I mean, really relying on him because I mean at the end of the day, it was he who strengthened us. So the next point actually is don't give unsolicited advice. if they did not ask for the advice, your advice is going to fall on deaf ears. Like this is Just people skills 101. Think about yourself. When someone offers you advice that you were not asking for, how do you feel in that moment? You probably are feeling pretty defensive. Because you're like, is this person judging my situation? Or I didn't want that advice. Like, I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job. you don't really want advice you're not asking for. I let's give an example. I think because this happens a lot. So Darla had heart complications. So it would be like somebody who had a husband or a mom or a grandma. go through like a heart situation. So they say, your daughter has this. Like, did your doctor talk to you about this or XYZ or this or this? Or did you think vitamin D? How about you try this device? How about you order this solution? And so all we're thinking, unfortunately, I mean I'm just being brutally honest. Like all we can hear in that moment or think is you're not a doctor. I've been in hours and hours of meetings and rounds and conversations and like none of this is actually truly helping me because all you're thinking is the person hearing it is I've been in this muck and this mess and We've heard it all. I've heard it all and I'm with a professional. Yep. professionals who know what they're doing, who have experience. Yep. And even if we hear something that we can take away, boy, is it hard to Totally. And so I'm just being honest about you. Well, it takes a lot of humility, I think, to get advice, unsolicited advice, and to humble yourself and say, you know what, I didn't ask for this advice, but I'm still gonna take something from this, for people who are going through hard times, we're not thinking about how I can be humble in this situation and receive the advice that this person has given me. When you're going through a hard time, you're just trying to figure out how to like even survive the day. Yeah. I mean there were days in the hospital where you're going through a tough day and all of a sudden you might be like, my gosh, it's two o'clock and I haven't gotten to leave this hospital room to get lunch. Totally. And I don't even know where to go get lunch now. Yeah. And it sounds so stupid. But then you're in that state and then to receive unsolicited advice, like you kind of want to you know what you need right now? A snack. Yeah, exactly. You don't need advice, you need a snack. So basically keep your essential oil advice to yourself, okay? Is what we're saying. Although thankfully no one gave us essential oil advice while we were going through this situation with Darla. But that's kind of the comparison. So here are some things that you can say. I know we spent a ton of time talking about things to not say, but I do want to give you some words on what you can say to someone that would be helpful. You could say things like, I'm so sorry, or I'm so sorry that you're walking through this. this is really hard. just acknowledging that what they're going through is really hard. I hate that you're going through this. I like the word hate in this sentence because the person going through it already thinks that this is a terrible situation. But when someone comes alongside of them and also has some like kind of anger towards a situation with them, it really feels like you kind of have someone like you said earlier, like in your court, like someone is there with you. Another good thing to say would be I don't have the right words right now. just acknowledging, like I don't know what to say and nothing I can say will make a difference. But I want you to know I'm here for you. I'm here with you. Or if you see somebody like tearing up, and I mean, how often is it it's so natural to say, I'm sorry, as the person who's tearing up and and feeling the the pain and the feelings. To be like, I I'm sorry, or like it's fine, everything's gonna be fine. Sometimes it's okay to say that person, no, I understand it's it's there's absolutely nothing wrong. Like even to say it is really heavy and that's okay. Yeah. Because they're they're not giving themselves permission. Totally. And that's that's not a healthy thing for them to be doing, but it is natural to do, Yeah, even just telling them that it's okay to cry right now. you're you're tearing up and here's the tissue and you can cry as much as you need to. what you're going through is really tough. So like give yeah, giving them that permission to cry, I think is really, really helpful. People don't need an explanation. They just need permission to hurt. And so I think that's a good thing to remember is that you don't have to give any sort of advice, or you don't have to even have anything to explain why they're going through what they're going through. They just need to to have that permission that they can hurt and that it's okay that they're hurting through something very, very awful and painful. And just think always try to validate the feeling first so that you can crack open the door, like Christian said, so you can somehow. Make it into their space and be present with them. And the more you spend time with the person going through pain, the more that person will be willing to hear what you have to say. Yeah. Next week, we're going to take this one step further. We've spent today talking about the words we choose and the posture we bring into someone's suffering, but love doesn't stop with words. We're going to share some of the most meaningful ways people cared for our family during Darla's first year, from meals and laundry to hospital visits and simple acts of kindness that carried us through. If you've ever wondered, what can I actually do to help? That's what we'll talk about next week. Thank you so much for joining us today on this episode of the Rooted Family Podcast. And we look forward to seeing you next time.