Latest / Chatting with The Experts with Paula Okonneh / The Power of Multidirectional Communication in Parenting

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The Power of Multidirectional Communication in Parenting · Chatting with The Experts with Paula Okonneh

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Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Chatting
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With The Experts tv show.
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I am the host of this and every week I bring to you amazing women from Africa,
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from the Caribbean, in the Diaspora, who have so much to share with you.
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Every week, I get feedback that someone has learned something new, or they've
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been inspired or empowered by these amazing women and men, because I've
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had some men come on the show, and I know this week will be no exception.
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So the topic for today is Multidirectional Communication for Effective Parenting
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and I have an amazing woman who's going to tell you and talk to you about this.
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Her name is Dr.
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Ayo Adenuga, and she is a distinguished public health physician and the visionary
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founder of IEA Impact Consulting.
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When I read her resume or her bio, I was so impressed that I told her that
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I don't even know where to start in describing all the things she's done.
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So what better thing should I do than ask her to join us?
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And let her tell you a bit about herself before we delve
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into this very exciting topic.
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So with that, I want to welcome Dr.
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Hario Adenuga to chat in with the experts.
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Thank you so much.
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I'm so honored to be here today.
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Thank you for having me on your platform.
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I've listened and heard about this platform, about everybody on board
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coming on, the impact you've been making.
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In fact, I was in one of the interviews and I was so inspired by the way you bring
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experts on just to impact people's lives.
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So thank you.
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Thank you.
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for all you do.
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I appreciate it.
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Again, I'm Dr.
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Ayo Adenuga.
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I'm a public health physician.
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I'm the visionary for IEA Impact Consulting.
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And what we do is to inspire and equip leaders and people to be able
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to achieve impact and to be successful personally and professionally.
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Also based on my parenting, coaching and leadership, I'm also a parent and
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team coach, and I also have an NGO nonprofit where I bring leadership
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and health equity to people.
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So I'm so happy to be here today, knowing that we are
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focusing on women of all races.
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It's bringing social equity, bringing life to people and just making
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sure that people are empowered to be the best version of themselves.
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So thank you.
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Thank you.
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Thank you for having me.
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And again, I'm a mom who has teenagers, a husband of one and a child of God.
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So I'm so blessed to be here today.
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And see I told you that there's so much that she brings to the table.
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I couldn't say it all.
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So the best person was her and she did so well.
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Such a fantastic job.
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So we are going to be talking about Multidirectional Communication
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for Effective Parenting.
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A big mouthful, but I know there's so much about this.
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So tell me about this.
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What do you mean by multidirectional communication?
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Thank you for asking.
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So I'll start with one thing and that is as parents, we embark on this
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challenging, but thrilling journey as our children navigate and transition
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from the kids they are to adolescence.
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Mm-hmm.
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And I've heard before that enjoy them when they are young
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because the variance in when they are younger and become adolescent
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is so wide, almost 95 percent and at that time that sweet, cuddly,
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hair bunny person that used to have transitions and become this enigma.
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This person that will challenge your values, the person that will
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say, mom, your taste is not as up as it should be, or your values.
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Why are you telling me this?
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And yet in that whole changes that they are in, they're also navigating
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the challenges of adolescence, trying to understand themselves, trying to
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understand their identity, trying to fit into societal values and
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pressures, trying to just say, who am I?
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And if that thing we as parents are there to help them navigate successfully this
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life challenges, helping them to move from where they are to where they want to be.
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And the best way we can do this, and the focus of it all is effective
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communication so that they know who they are able to let them launch forward
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from adolescence into adulthood, being assured of themselves, their identity,
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their self worth and knowing that they are living in a house of love.
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So now your question goes to, what is multidirectional communication?
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Yeah.
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I'll start again with the fact that if you think about it, And the question I
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will ask is, what teenager would like to open up to a parent that is punitive?
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A parent that criticizes them, judges them?
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Or what teenager would want direction from a parent that is so
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permissive that everything goes?
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Now, before we are used to parental authority.
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Where communication is just one direction, I tell you the
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rules, I tell you what to do.
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And then you just do it.
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And the child comes back and say, yes, dad, yes, mom.
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And that is it.
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Well, let me stop you right there, Dr.
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Ayo.
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Is that not what we grew up with?
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That is what we grew up knowing, where you say yes and yes, but
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things have changed sincerely.
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Things have changed whereby before we were enclosed in knowing our dad and mom
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and just our family members and maybe some school and the influence of the
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family was so vast then, but now more children have been exposed to the world
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of different cultures, different travel, different phases and things have changed
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and experts have said we have to move from parental authority to parental influence.
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Now, people are seeing, actually they are seeing that my parents can make mistakes.
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My parents are not God.
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They are not demigods.
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My parents are human
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and children of those days are different from the teenagers
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or children of nowadays.
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They've been, they've gone through so many things and exposed to so many things.
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So now multidirectional communication is where you are able to communicate
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effectively without, I mean, irrespective of the roles without
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any block ways in communication.
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And it goes from either you're communicating upwards, downwards,
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Horizontally, externally, or internally.
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And I added that.
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I added the internal and external to the model.
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So multidirectional communication is effective communication whereby
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communication flows to achieve your goal.
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And there is no stop way.
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So now I will start with the first one.
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And the first one is internal communication.
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Communicating just with yourself.
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Okay.
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So that's self communication for the parent?
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Self communication for the parents.
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Also for the child?
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Or do we come to
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So the first one is internal communication.
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How do you communicate with yourself?
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Okay.
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The second one is down-up communication.
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And I'm talking about mother to father.
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Don't forget, we're all equal in the eyes of God, but in the rules in the home, I
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want to put the father as the head and we are talking to women right now or a
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man down, but let's talk about we women.
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How do we communicate upwards?
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Then how do we communicate downwards?
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That means from the mother to the children or parents of the children.
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Then how do the children communicate among themselves?
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That's horizontally.
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And then how do the children communicate outwards out of the family?
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How are they being ambassadors of the family?
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So, this model has been used in top organizations and I'm going
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to apply to parenting here.
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So this is a proven way of communicating.
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That's being a fulcrum of successful organizations.
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And we're going to relate that to us ourselves.
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So the family, that is?
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Yes.
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So the family.
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Alright.
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To Family.
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So I'll go with self communication now.
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Now many at times in my parent coaching that I go through, One of the questions
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that I've been asked, for instance, is what do you want to see in your children?
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What do you want for them?
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And many parents from the ones I've spoken to and the ones even I've read about
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to say, I want my children to be happy.
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I want my children to have security you know.
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I want my children to feel secure, even in themselves.
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I want my children to have self worth.
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And faith based parents I'm a faith based person would say,
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I want my children to know God.
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To be a person that wants to please God.
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So in that way, if you ask a big question for ourselves, when you want that for your
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children, do you want that for yourself?
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Are you filled with happiness?
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Are you filled with self worth?
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Are you secure in yourself?
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So communication starts with you.
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What do you say to yourself?
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How do you communicate to yourself?
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How do you see yourself?
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Many of us, and you mentioned this earlier, that is
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that what we grew up with?
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Many of us grew up in homes where we have authoritarian parents or parents
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that would say, hey, do this, they determined what we do, they determined
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even our career projection, they determined whatever our outcome.
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And some parents really have also filled us with words that are negative,
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that people feel less of themselves.
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That's where they don't even feel good enough.
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You are irresponsible or you did sociology.
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You should have done engineering.
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You should have done...
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you should have been a doctor.
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You should have been this.
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And we carried that baggage with us even into our homes, into our children.
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Right?
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And if you had the type C or I type personality, you don't want to feel, you
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want to always prove that I can't feel.
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And when the children do things, you feel you're a failure.
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You carry your children's behavior as your identity.
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I'm happy you said that.
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I'm so happy you said that, because as you talk about that, I was talking to,
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I think, some young people recently.
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I live...
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I say I live in a house with young people, but I think people have told me to say
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young people live in my house with me.
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And because of that I've learned so much about, you know, the younger generation,
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how to communicate with them, how they, you know, what they think as being
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valuable or influencing their lives.
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And so it's great to hear you say that, you know, about the authoritarian role
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that a lot of us came from families like that, where what dad said or
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what man's mom said was the rule.
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You know, you go out into the world and you find out people have
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different ways of approaching that.
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And so, yeah, I like that talk about self communication, because then you
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have to come to terms with this new way of looking at yourself internally,
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because you've been brought up in a household and sometimes been in a
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community with not been like that.
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Thank you.
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Yeah, thank you too.
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Absolutely.
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I'll say a story of a client that I had personally and professionally, let me
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say she's successful, but she had a very hard time growing up a dysfunctional
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family and she carried all that in.
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So while coaching, the first thing I have to say, what do you want me to know about
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your path that will be helpful here?
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Because we have to put that baggage down.
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And she's telling the story about her father, her mother, the
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dysfunctional system, and it was so heavy on her heart that she
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deflected it to her child as well.
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So the first thing is, sincerely, our children want a mirror.
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You might provide for them, you might do all kinds of things,
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but the mirror you give them is reflective of their self worth.
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It's the work you have of yourself that reflects on your children.
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They see themselves in you.
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So you have to be able to self regulate and fill yourself with that
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identity that is beyond yourself.
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As a Christian, I find my identity in God, right?
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I'm not good enough.
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I will mess up as a parent, but my identity is not in my job.
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My identity is not in my children.
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My identity is not in my husband or my status or my finances.
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My identity is in God.
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So you are solid.
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I show up that way.
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So as a mom, how do you want to show up for your children daily?
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One of the things that I've learned is the way you show up is to,
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we'll set the tone in your house.
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You have to cultivate what we call positive psychology and that is happiness.
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You set a tone of happiness, not necessarily because you're always happy,
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but because you are cultivating every day.
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Now, hear me, people will say that negative mindset is
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stronger than a positive mindset.
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In fact, you need three positive experiences to
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remove a negative experience.
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Now, what are positive experiences?
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It's you deciding that I'm going to be happy, irrespective of what's happening.
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Even when you are sad, be sad for 24 hours and move on.
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I love that one.
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Mourn for 24 hours and move on.
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So in other words, you're giving permission.
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You're giving permission.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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Be sad.
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It's not as if you're like, Oh, because when you don't express your
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sadness, you're living in denial.
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Yes.
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So you have to express it.
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And I have a model here.
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Okay.
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The first thing I want to say, of course, is...
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when you cultivate positive, just like you're walking on the sidewalk
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and you fall into a ditch, right?
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There are two things that could happen.
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You could find a cushion there because we'll always fall.
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And the cushion is the positive experiences that you've been cultivating
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and you get up again a little bump.
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But if you don't have positive experiences, when you fall, you fall
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on concretes and they have bruises, you have scratches and it's more difficult.
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So how do you cultivate this internal communication that gives you positivity?
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Now, there are four C's, and I believe that is one, curiosity,
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two, connection, three, compassion, and four, collaboration.
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Now these four C's are the ways in which you communicate internally
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daily, and it takes a self aware person to be able to do this.
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So as mothers, as women, you have to be self aware.
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When you wake up in the morning, ask yourself, how do I feel today?
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Give yourself permission to ask, how do I feel?
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What is my mood?
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What is my body telling me?
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And you check it, right?
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Some people will journal, they will write it down and say I feel happy.
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And you say, why am I happy?
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Because of A, B, C, and D.
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And you hold that on.
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I feel sad.
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I feel as if I didn't sleep well.
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You know, I feel like I don't even want to get out of bed.
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And you ask, why?
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And you note it down.
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Then the second thing that I see is connection.
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Connect with yourself, connect with your body, connect with God.
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Now, when you wake up, that connection means that you meditate
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and say, God, I feel sad today.
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I feel overwhelmed.
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Right?
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I'm not sure why, but God this is how I feel.
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And you pray, you say words of affirmation because 95 percent
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of our thoughts are negative.
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True.
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And you have to bring yourself to that positive path.
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I'm spending a lot of time here because it is important to have a self positive
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mindset because you can't show it to your children if you don't have it.
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You can't pull from an empty cup.
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So the first thing is to connect, meditate, then regulate through prayers,
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regulate through breathing, touch your chest and take a deep breath in.
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You sometimes in the morning just feel overwhelmed and your heart is just beating
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on Monday morning for no just reason.
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And you just feel your heart and you feel heart beating and you pray to
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God and you take a deep breath in and out and you see yourself calm down.
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You want to go for a meeting, you take a deep breath in and out.
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You calm down.
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You want to go and have a hard conversation with your teenager and
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you don't know what the outcome is.
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Or your teenager is going from being a teen to adult.
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I know that there are different dynamics right there, but you
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take that so you self regulate.
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The other C is compassion.
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Be compassionate with yourself.
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It's okay, right?
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It's okay.
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It's okay for us to feel and get up, right?
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Have self care.
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Do you want a cup of tea?
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Do you want a cold or warm shower?
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Do you want to go for a massage?
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Take care of yourself, right?
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Compassion on yourself and collaboration.
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You might not be able to do it alone.
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Who do you need to connect with?
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Who can help you in that situation?
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That can bring you out when you are down.
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So those are the ways that you can actually communicate internally.
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But I have something that is even hotter for you.
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So just hold on.
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I hope you guys are writing.
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Yes, I was just about to say, I want you to go over those four
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C's because they are important.
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And I know you have something even hotter.
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But before we go to the hot bit, let's get these three, those four C's.
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Four C's is curiosity.
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Asking yourself questions.
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Being self aware that what's happened?
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Why is this happening?
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What can I do?
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How do I want to feel at the end of the day?
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Right?
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So at the beginning, you can say, how do I want to feel at the end of the day?
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I want to feel energetic.
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I want to feel happy.
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I want to feel fulfilled and then you walk towards it.
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Right?
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So curiosity, asking yourself those questions.
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The second thing is connection, connecting with your soul, connecting
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with God, connecting with your body.
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You have to connect with yourself.
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The third thing is compassion.
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You have to be compassionate with yourself.
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You can just ask, if a friend of mine comes and say, I'm going through this
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issue, what would you tell the person?
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So tell yourself that, be compassionate with yourself.
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Then the last thing is collaboration.
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Which friend do you want to talk to?
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Which resource do you want to leverage?
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Which parent, coach do you want to talk to?
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Which of your friends that you know that when you want to talk would
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listen to you without judgment?
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So those four things are important in self communication.
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That's curiosity, connection, you have compassion and collaboration.
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So those are four.
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Thank you.
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So if you saw me looking down, that's because I was writing them
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down because these are important.
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The self communication with these three Cs, four Cs, I keep saying three, four
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Cs, it's easy to ask yourself those questions when we wake up in the morning.
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All right, you said there's something you don't have to.
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Go for it.
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And I'm saying this part because it's from Positive Psychology and by Dr.
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Sullivan.
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And I heard this also from Valerie Bortin, who is a very
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renowned coach and is called PEMA.
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PEMA is an acronym that encompasses how we can engage in positive psychology and
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positive thinking and positive mindsets.
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So the P itself is positive emotions.
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So like I mentioned, the positive emotions are when you ask yourself
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and you tell me in your mind, I want to set a tone of happiness.
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I want to be joyful, right?
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So positive emotions is so important because negative things will come.
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But you have to set the tone so that when those adversity
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comes, you are pushing the north.
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And you can do that by journaling every day.
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Just write, what am I thankful for today?
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What am I grateful for?
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So you write it down.
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E is engagements.
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Studies have shown that people that are engaged in one thing or the
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other are more likely to feel happy.
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And let me tell you something about positive emotions.
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When you have positive emotions, you find that you are more likely
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to have a successful relationship.
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You are more likely to be successful at work.
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Yeah.
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You are more likely to be healthy.
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You are more likely to be forgiven.
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Your children are more likely to come to you because you are not grouchy.
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So positive emotion is so integral that it is, it has been a good
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strategy for successful lifestyle.
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So you have to cultivate, but so you hear me say cultivate
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because it takes time to build up.
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You don't just wake up one day and you're happy.
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You have to be intentional in building for yourself and for your family.
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So in other words, we've got to work on this.
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Absolutely.
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Don't just work overnight and it takes, depending on personalities, it may
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take longer or shorter time, but we're applying some of the C's that you meant.
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I love the collaboration.
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Have a friend, have somewhere that you feel safe.
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You can talk with the person if it's a friend or with a professional, a
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therapist, or, you know, have some other resources that you can look into.
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But yeah, that collaboration.
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I love it.
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Okay.
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All right.
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Engagement.
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Thank you.
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Very well.
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So yeah, so the hours to go there is relationship.
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And I like the fact that you mentioned that part of collaboration
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because it's important.
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Studies have shown that we're as happy as our good relationships.
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Either with your spouse, with your children, with people that you trust.
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Because we as human beings, we are social beings, we are emotional beings.
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So if you have grouchy people around you.
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Environment, environment.
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Yep.
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It's important.
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So we've mentioned P, positive emotions, E, engagement, how to find something
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that you're doing, either ministry, fun.
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You have to be engaged.
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And then we have the R, which is relationship.
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The M is find meaning, find purpose, right?
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We have to find a sense of meaning.
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So one thing people would ask is that people say, I don't
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know what my purpose is.
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I don't know what to do.
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The first thing is that what is your talent?
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What are you good at?
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When people cross your path, how do you influence them?
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So I'm like, sometimes when people talk to me, they just feel happy
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after talking to me, you know, or some people are in trouble, they need help.
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And I'm just there to help them.
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Some people say, Oh they needed something.
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I was able to help them organize it and things were better for it.
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That is a purpose.
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That is a talent, you know, so you can find that I'd be happy in that itself.
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And the A is achievement.
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Every day, write your to do list and check it off.
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Studies have shown that when you write down your goals and your to do
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list, almost do list, I check it off.
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It gives us good hormones and makes you feel good.
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So at the end of the day, you can say, Hey, I actually achieved something because
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there are some times when from morning to night, I'm like, what did I even do today?
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The day has gone.
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I'm like, Oh my God.
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But I go back to my to do list and I say, Oh, I actually did a lot.
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So they're just remembrance.
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And I say, well, I'm grateful for all the things that I've done.
24:34
And you feel good.
24:35
You don't feel unfulfilled.
24:36
You don't feel as if you're useless.
24:38
You don't feel as if you're getting old and forgetting things.
24:40
Or you're no longer relevant.
24:43
You can see it.
24:44
I called this person.
24:46
I influenced this person.
24:47
I blessed this person.
24:48
I gifted this person.
24:49
And you can check those things off.
24:52
So at the end of the day, as a woman, you feel blessed.
24:58
You feel happy.
25:00
You are positive.
25:02
You are not going into depression.
25:03
You might feel sad, but it's temporary.
25:05
It's a phase and you move on again out of that.
25:10
Now, all these things you talked about, which are so powerful and so good, I know
25:16
this is a woman's show, but we have a few men, and I know a few men may join us.
25:22
Can are these things applicable to men as well?
25:27
This is the most beautiful part of it, we are all human beings.
25:30
You're a man, a woman, a child, a teenager.
25:33
Once you are listening to this, you would gain because we all
25:36
need this positive emotion.
25:37
So it's not just women, it's everybody.
25:40
And that's why this is so important.
25:42
If you're listening now and you're joining the live chat.
25:45
As you're listening now, everybody, you would always gain from it now or in future
25:51
when you listen to the recording in the future, share with your people, share with
25:55
your client, share with your communities.
25:57
They would always gain from this.
25:59
Positive emotion is a fulcrum of our wellbeing because we
26:03
are emotional human beings.
26:06
We are.
26:07
Let's not forget about it.
26:08
No matter how much you push it down, it's going to come
26:11
out in some way or the other.
26:13
That's just nature.
26:14
There's no vacuum in nature.
26:16
There's none.
26:17
And people are used to focusing on negativity, right?
26:21
And, oh, this happened, that happened, da da da da da.
26:25
But they've noticed that positive emotions are really the things
26:29
that makes us to be resilient.
26:33
Things we are grateful for, things have worked well and we can say, Oh, even
26:37
though I'm feeling now I can do it.
26:40
I've done it before.
26:41
I'll tell a story about a ladybug that fell and fell on his back and
26:51
tried and tried to get up every time and kept feeling and this woman was
26:55
watching this ladybug for hours.
26:58
Then after a while, the ladybug rested and paused.
27:04
And then flipped over on his legs as they're walking off.
27:08
Now, that didn't make it less of a ladybug.
27:12
It just took it time to get back on his feet.
27:17
And that's how it is.
27:19
Even for us human beings, we would always fall.
27:23
But we have to try and try because you are going to get up at the end of the day.
27:29
I will move on and fly.
27:31
It's only a phase.
27:34
Yeah.
27:36
Wow.
27:36
So that was self communication.
27:40
Thank you.
27:41
And then the most important next communication is with your spouse.
27:46
your partner, your husband.
27:49
And that's a now...
27:51
I know the men would join.
27:52
I mean, would probably view this in future or listening to us now as we're
27:57
talking, but the truth is there are different dynamics in the family.
28:06
As a man, you should drive ahead.
28:10
You should be the visionary, right?
28:12
I let the family know.
28:14
But right now, I'll talk about the woman.
28:18
The woman being the mother in the home.
28:20
Right?
28:21
And I'll talk about the Bottom up approach, which is I'm talking to
28:26
the head of the family, my husband.
28:28
Don't forget I'm not being derogatory, even though we are all equal in the eyes
28:33
of God, both male and female, but we know that there's hierarchy in the home.
28:37
We can't remove that even as rules, right?
28:41
Either you're the head of the home, even if you're the breadwinner
28:43
and you have a man in your home, the man is still the head.
28:47
Now let's go forward.
28:49
How do you communicate with your spouse in the house?
28:53
The way your relationship is with your spouse, reflects on the children.
29:00
They see it, they consume it and they act it.
29:04
Children are not good at doing what you tell them to do at all, but they
29:10
are good at doing what they see you do.
29:15
So how do you communicate with your spouse?
29:18
Many times we all, as spouses, we come together with our different
29:22
baggages, our different background issues, our different ways of
29:27
communicating, and we come together.
29:30
And you find that as the children come, our parenting styles
29:34
differ because of our background.
29:36
But how do you deal with that?
29:39
We see people criticizing, we see people blaming, we see people
29:44
resenting each other, we see people being very tough on each other.
29:49
But as women, a woman builds her home, a wise woman builds her home,
29:53
a foolish woman tears it down.
29:55
How do you want, how do you communicate with your spouse daily?
30:00
You have to move from that towards being affectionate, communicating
30:07
positively, being in the mood of collaboration and connection.
30:13
Those are still Cs, and you have to con be congenial with your husband.
30:17
That means in everything you do, you are having a positive affection
30:22
and kindness towards your spouse.
30:24
You have to affirm what he's doing.
30:27
He may not always get it right.
30:28
It may not always be the superman you want.
30:31
But in front of your children, it is important you present a common front.
30:37
Don't let it be.
30:39
We versus them, let it be us.
30:43
The children are fighting the world.
30:45
You don't stay on and fight in the house as well.
30:49
So communication is important.
30:50
And I will talk about this very quickly, right?
30:54
Now you have to be intentional about communicating with your spouse.
30:58
I'll be very quick.
31:00
That's my alarm.
31:01
I apologize.
31:03
We're not hearing.
31:05
Okay.
31:05
So be intentional about building your relationship.
31:10
At the end of the day, what outcome do you want when you're
31:12
discussing issues in the house?
31:15
What role do you want to play?
31:17
What do you want to take out of that communication or that deliberation?
31:23
Validate your husband or your spouse.
31:27
Avoid criticism.
31:28
Avoid blaming.
31:30
Avoid name calling.
31:32
We do that a lot.
31:35
Either in front or behind.
31:37
Avoid negative triggers.
31:39
Focus on affection, communication, congeniality and collaboration.
31:44
Now, how do you do that?
31:46
I have 4 As.
31:46
Many at times when we come to our husbands and we are discussing,
31:51
sometimes the women are naturally sometimes more smarter than men.
31:57
Nobody should kill me for this.
32:00
We may get a lot of comments.
32:02
We may get a lot of comments for that, but all right.
32:06
But guess what?
32:08
The husband sometimes feel defensive when we are saying, no, this is not right.
32:13
We shouldn't be doing this.
32:15
And I've noticed even in my home, let's say I'm discussing
32:18
my husband, we are just alone.
32:21
Sometimes it would hate and we'll go back and forth.
32:23
But once the children come in and we are still talking, then it becomes
32:28
more defensive because it wants to protect that ego and it's natural,
32:33
but guess what, there are four A's.
32:35
Number one, the first A is being aware of your own negative emotions.
32:41
Right now I'm feeling angry.
32:44
I'm feeling fearful.
32:45
I feel as if I've lost control in this home of mine.
32:49
I feel as if the children are not going the right way.
32:52
Right?
32:53
So you pause, you regain focus, right?
32:57
Because it enables you to know what the next step is.
33:00
And then what should you do?
33:02
You can tell your spouse that, okay, it sounds as if this is what you're saying.
33:07
Is that right?
33:09
You could also say, okay, tell me if I got you, if I got the straight, I feel
33:14
what you're seeing is A, B, C, and D.
33:17
They say, yes, exactly.
33:21
Or no, this is not what I'm feeling, right?
33:24
So, or you also acknowledge his own feeling, right?
33:29
I see you're very upset when I said this.
33:32
What exactly did you want to hear?
33:35
What exactly were you trying to tell me?
33:37
And he says it.
33:37
I say, okay, can you tell me more?
33:39
What else are you thinking about in this situation?
33:42
They want to talk.
33:43
They wanna express themselves, right?
33:45
So even if you want to talk, still allow that person because that person's
33:49
already been defensive in that situation.
33:52
Remember, you have the aid in mind.
33:54
You want a solution to this issue in your home.
33:56
You want him to be able to come to a common ground between both of you.
34:00
Cause many times it happened to me.
34:02
We'll argue, we'll fall out.
34:04
Okay.
34:04
Yeah.
34:05
Let's just go, you know, at that point, but that defeats the purpose.
34:09
So that is number one.
34:11
A is address your own negative emotion.
34:15
Number two, acknowledge the other person's negative emotions.
34:19
The third is ask follow up questions, right?
34:22
What else are you thinking about?
34:25
What else do you have concerns with?
34:28
What else do you think is the situation here?
34:31
And you talk after they've exhausted it all, you can now say, okay,
34:37
I think we should have what?
34:40
Reach a common ground here.
34:44
I'm on your side.
34:45
I see what you're saying.
34:47
I hear you say this and we have the same thoughts, or I agree with some of the
34:53
things you said, can we do it this way?
34:56
What if we did it that way?
34:58
Because he has spoken and he feels heard.
35:01
It feels understood.
35:03
Right.
35:04
You're not necessarily agreeing with what everything is saying, but
35:06
you can say, Oh, I agree with some.
35:08
I see what you're saying.
35:10
We're coming to this.
35:11
It escalates the issue, but most importantly, you want an
35:15
action out of that discussion.
35:17
What is the action?
35:21
What is the action?
35:22
I love all of this.
35:23
And as you're saying all of these, you know, you know, you're talking
35:27
as a woman, primarily to women.
35:31
What's also going across is.
35:34
Your children, as you say, mirror what they see in the house.
35:38
So whether they're men, I mean, they're male or female, they'd be mirroring your
35:43
communication style with your spouse so that they in turn, sometime later in
35:48
life can bring it into their own home.
35:52
And even before they bring it into their own home, be able to communicate with,
35:56
you know, their peers in a similar way.
36:00
Yeah.
36:02
Absolutely.
36:03
Because we'd always have conflicts.
36:06
Yes.
36:07
When you have conflicts, how are you resolving conflicts in your home?
36:14
And you always have conflict with your children, and when they see that you
36:19
don't affirm, validate, and hold your husband or your spouse or your wife in
36:26
a positive regard, they do the same.
36:30
In all your communication, do you have a positive regard for your partner?
36:37
And sincerely, when you come to a point whereby You find that you
36:41
are bitter, you are angry, you are enraged, as a parent, seek help.
36:49
Seek help.
36:51
And get it over with.
36:53
Snap out of it.
36:54
That's the behavior I think that has to be learned or acquired or, yeah,
36:59
learned or acquired, especially, you know, we're talking to immigrants.
37:04
This program is mainly, it's for women from Africa and the Caribbean
37:08
and who either continue to, who are still living there or in the diaspora.
37:14
And what I've seen in the past is that seeking help is something
37:21
that culturally we don't like.
37:25
And how do you encourage people?
37:27
How do you encourage adults?
37:32
That's a very good question.
37:33
Seek help.
37:34
And we always feel shamed about things and we feel we're alone.
37:39
Oh my God.
37:40
Why should people hear?
37:41
What would they say?
37:42
Blah, blah, blah . I'm a good person in church.
37:44
How would they know that things are breaking up?
37:46
No, I'll give a quick story that somebody told me recently.
37:51
And it's about Mr.
37:51
Norman.
37:52
Mr.
37:53
Norman is a nice tall man, right?
37:56
And he noticed that he started growing feathers.
37:59
And in growing the feathers, he was like, what's this?
38:01
It's poking out.
38:02
And he continued to wear a coat to cover it.
38:04
And the feathers continued growing and growing.
38:07
And it was uncomfortable.
38:09
The more he wore the coat every day, the more uncomfortable it was.
38:13
And he discovered that wearing the coat over was even more
38:18
painful than not wearing the coat.
38:20
So one day he went out and he removed the coat and his feathers just came out
38:25
and he was like, yeah, I don't care.
38:26
I'm okay.
38:27
And they were like, oh my God, Mr.
38:29
Norman has his coat off and he has feathers.
38:32
And guess what?
38:32
Everybody said, removing their coats.
38:34
They all had feathers under their coats.
38:37
And Mr.
38:38
Norman now said, it is only normal.
38:41
What is normal to us is to us.
38:43
Everybody has their bag and baggages.
38:45
You are not alone.
38:47
You are not alone.
38:48
Every family has its own issues.
38:51
So when you're having issues in your marriage, don't be
38:56
afraid to come out for help
39:00
because we all have one issue or the other.
39:03
You are never alone.
39:05
Seek help.
39:08
Love that.
39:09
Well, Dr.
39:10
Ayo, we have, you know, Ooh, we've been talking for a while and I know
39:15
we were talking about Multidirectional Communication for Effective Parenting.
39:20
We've addressed the parents.
39:25
How about the children?
39:27
That is good.
39:27
I have a feeling that we're going to have part two of this.
39:30
I just was about to say, I think we are going to have part two.
39:35
Because we've talked, and it's been so interesting.
39:37
I got so taken up with the conversation, I forgot to check my time.
39:43
So, in part two, I guess we'll be talking about the children.
39:51
How do children communicate with each other if they're siblings
39:56
in the family, and how do they communicate with their peers?
40:02
Absolutely.
40:03
Now, the first thing is, how do you as a parent communicate with your children?
40:08
Yes.
40:10
Many at times, the way we communicate.
40:15
This is a...
40:16
it's even a whole.
40:20
That's a topic on its own, an episode on its own.
40:23
That episode on its own, but I'll give a snippet here, hopefully
40:26
we're going to do another one.
40:27
So number one, as parents, what do you want your children to know?
40:35
What is the family values?
40:37
What is the family vision?
40:38
What do you want them to know?
40:40
What do you want them to carry in their minds every day when they go out?
40:44
Do you have family values?
40:45
What do you tell them?
40:47
Do you have your vision plain and clear, or this is who we are as a family?
40:52
What do you want them to see?
40:54
There are possibilities that they can make it.
40:58
That the world is there for their taking.
41:02
The sky is their limit.
41:04
What do you want them to feel?
41:06
Do you want them to feel loved?
41:08
Do you want them to feel self confident, valued, esteemed?
41:13
What do you want them to feel?
41:14
Do you want them to feel heard?
41:16
Do you want them to feel safe in your home?
41:20
Those are the things, and then what do you want them to do?
41:23
How do you want them to multiply and expand those teachings you're giving them
41:28
that beyond your home, you have influence?
41:31
And that's where I started from, parental influence.
41:34
Yes.
41:34
And I think this is where we're going to segue into part two.
41:38
So I love how you just did that.
41:41
And let me just stop the recording here because I can take this out
41:45
and then we can continue to record and that will be our part two.
41:49
Is that okay?
41:49
Yes.
41:51
So, the recording is still on.
41:53
Yes.
41:53
I'm going to just end it now.
41:55
Yeah.