Latest / Get Curious, Not Furious / Flipping Your Lid
Transcript
- 0:00Speaker: You love your child more than anything, and some days they drive you crazy.
- 0:05Speaker: I'm Colette, a speech and language therapist, sense maker, and mom of three.
- 0:11Speaker: Welcome to Get Curious, Not Furious.
- 0:15Speaker: Together let's make sense of your child and what's really happening in those moments that feel out of control.
- 0:21Speaker: Less reacting, more understanding.
- 0:24Speaker: If you're ready to get curious instead of furious, keep listening.
- 0:30Speaker: We all have moments when parenting pushes us past our limit.
- 0:35Speaker: In this episode, we explore what's really going on in our brains and bodies when we flip our lid.
- 0:41Speaker: Why it isn't simply a matter of willpower, and how understanding ourselves is the first step towards responding differently.
- 0:48Speaker: Are you wondering why I call this podcast Get Curious, Not Furious?
- 0:53Speaker: Well, I was reflecting on this at the weekend as I spent a lot of the time feeling on the edge of flipping my lid.
- 1:00Speaker: Why did I feel like this?
- 1:02Speaker: A whole range of factors.
- 1:04Speaker: Outside my window of tolerance, no capacity, feeling really stuck, not being able to express my feelings, some sensory needs for me, not getting enough movement or time outside, at times feeling hungry because I wasn't paying attention to the fact that I needed to eat, feeling lonely, whole different factors that all come together to leave me feeling like I'm sitting on the edge.
- 1:29Speaker: Over my years of parenting, this sense of rage and furiosity that builds up in me as a parent at times, and I've seen build up and come out in other parents, has really driven my curiosity to both understand why we as parents respond in that way sometimes, and also what is it about our children that stirs us up so much at times.
- 1:54Speaker: Not about our children per se as humans, but more the things that they do, the things that they say, the things they don't do or don't say that really, really get us so wound up that we flip our lid and sometimes say and do things that we later regret that are potentially harmful to our children.
- 2:15Speaker: I'm not saying any of this to talk about perfect parenting or saying that we should, you know, never get angry.
- 2:21Speaker: I think anger is a really, really valid emotion, but it's how we express this anger in our interactions with our children.
- 2:29Speaker: If our lid flipping, furiosity, anger, frustration is coming out in ways that harms the relationship, leaves our children feeling unsafe and scared over and over again, then we really do have some work to do so that that doesn't keep happening.
- 2:45Speaker: How can we stay curious about why our kids might be fighting, having a hard time, not doing what we're asking them to do, if we're on the edge of flipping our lid and trying to hold it all in?
- 2:56Speaker: In reality, we can't.
- 2:58Speaker: But what we can do is take time when it's not the heat of the moment to think about why we have the reactions that we have, and are there some ways that we can make some changes or do some things differently.
- 3:11Speaker: Before any of us can change any behavior or response that we have, we first need to understand why we do respond in that way.
- 3:19Speaker: This can be some big work to do, and I really feel, after almost 14 years of parenting, that it is a never-ending journey.
- 3:30Speaker: I'm reminded of a phrase my elder sister told me many years ago when I first became a parent, and I was struggling with my toddlers and some of the behaviors they were doing.
- 3:40Speaker: And she said to me, Our children are here to teach us the things about ourselves we didn't know we needed to learn.
- 3:49Speaker: This phrase comes back to me in my mind over and over again in those moments where I think, oh my goodness, what am I going to do?
- 3:57Speaker: This is all too much.
- 3:59Speaker: I feel like flipping my lid.
- 4:01Speaker: A part of my brain goes, Gosh, you'll feel so much better if you can just let it all out.
- 4:06Speaker: And then I press pause in my mind and go, hmm, it might give me the release of my frustration, but at what cost to my relationship with my children and to their feelings about themselves?
- 4:19Speaker: I now know that when I feel mad, furious, ready to flip my lid, I'm stuck.
- 4:26Speaker: I'm stuck in my feelings of anger and frustration, and I haven't been able to find a release.
- 4:31Speaker: For me, the release comes in being able to find my tears.
- 4:35Speaker: Sometimes our tears get stuck.
- 4:38Speaker: They get stuck because of the busyness of life, they get stuck because we put the walls up and don't have a safe relationship so that we can be vulnerable and have someone hold space for us when we have our tears.
- 4:50Speaker: I know that in any of those parenting moments, in the heat of the moment when I flip my lid, that I am doing the best that I can in that moment.
- 4:59Speaker: It's not optimal.
- 5:01Speaker: Sometimes I go, oh my goodness, that really wasn't how I wanted to parent.
- 5:05Speaker: And I try to hold on to what's the least bad thing I can do in this moment.
- 5:11Speaker: I don't mean that I'm in my brain thinking, oh well, I could choose between yelling or some other form of harsh discipline.
- 5:20Speaker: What I mean is that I give myself the grace to go, okay, I can feel myself simmering, I can feel the eruption coming.
- 5:27Speaker: What can I do in this moment that's going to cause the least harm to my relationship with my children?
- 5:33Speaker: It is our responsibility as parents not to harm or scare our children.
- 5:39Speaker: Living in New Zealand, we have really high rates of child abuse, family violence, and that is something that stirs me up more than I can put into words.
- 5:50Speaker: I can't understand how anybody would want to harm a child, and yet in those moments when we flip our lid, you can see that there is a pathway where people will be out of control and do things that are beyond understanding.
- 6:08Speaker: Today's episode isn't about those extreme ends of child abuse and family violence, but I do want to acknowledge that those things do happen.
- 6:17Speaker: They happen in our modern world.
- 6:19Speaker: Our job as adults is to protect our children.
- 6:22Speaker: Our job as a society is to care for and provide social supports to those adults who are harming their children.
- 6:30Speaker: But let's bring it back to the here and now, to you, to me in our homes.
- 6:35Speaker: And what can we do on a day-to-day basis when we know that there are things that will trigger us and lead us towards losing the plot, yelling at our children?
- 6:46Speaker: What can we do so that that happens less and less?
- 6:50Speaker: How can we give ourselves some grace and time to do the personal work that we need to do to explore our triggers and develop some different habits and ways of responding?
- 7:02Speaker: In circle of security parenting, which I've talked about in other episodes, there is the concept of hands.
- 7:09Speaker: If you can just picture this in your mind, the concept of hands holding hands.
- 7:15Speaker: You as a parent holding your hands for your child, for your child to go out and to explore into the world and to come back in to reconnect with you when they need help, support, comfort, you to share delight in what they're doing.
- 7:28Speaker: When we yell at our children, when we um rough handle them or discipline them physically, then the hands are gone.
- 7:37Speaker: We're not able to be there for them.
- 7:39Speaker: In order for us to be able to come back and be safe hands for our children, a few different things need to happen.
- 7:45Speaker: We need to create some space, we need to have a support network around us, and we really need to do the work to understand what are our triggers and why are the things that show up with our children, some of them so triggering for us.
- 7:59Speaker: All of us will be triggered by different things.
- 8:03Speaker: Picture these hands again.
- 8:06Speaker: Do you have any hands holding you?
- 8:08Speaker: What's your village?
- 8:10Speaker: What's your, to use Gordon Neufeld's term, cascading care?
- 8:14Speaker: Who are the hands holding you, and who are the hands holding those hands?
- 8:19Speaker: We can't parent in isolation, and yet that's what our modern world often leaves us doing.
- 8:24Speaker: If you're a solo parent and you're struggling with your children, what can you do to get some cascading care around you, some hands to hold your hands while you hold space for your children and meeting their needs?
- 8:38Speaker: The work of exploring our own triggers is big work.
- 8:42Speaker: It's important work, and it needs to be done really gently and really carefully.
- 8:48Speaker: It is really important to make time for doing that essential work if you want to shift from responding with rage and anger to responding with curiosity and relational ways of working out what's going on for your children.
- 9:02Speaker: You might know in your head that you want to parent differently, that you go, okay, well, I promise myself I'm not going to yell tomorrow.
- 9:09Speaker: Tomorrow comes around and you yell again at the same thing that drove you crazy yesterday.
- 9:15Speaker: So knowing that you want to parent differently is really only part of the process.
- 9:20Speaker: Understanding our triggers and finding ways to lay down new pathways in our brain so we don't respond with that rage response is where the work needs to happen.
- 9:31Speaker: How much work any of us need to do?
- 9:34Speaker: Well, that really depends on what your upbringing was like, what other circumstances you've had in your relational experiences before you became a parent, your own health needs, your own mental health and well-being.
- 9:48Speaker: I know that I started my journey of moving away from responding with rage and furiosity when my middle boy was very, very little.
- 9:58Speaker: I had a toddler and a young baby, I had chronic sleep deprivation, I had some postnatal depression, and I there were times where I felt like I was losing my mind.
- 10:09Speaker: Now that might sound really extreme, but I'm guessing for some of you out there that that's a really familiar experience where everything is so chaotic, so stressful, you're so sleep deprived that you really do feel like things are out of control.
- 10:26Speaker: And it's really hard to parent well, it's hard to parent with curiosity and in a relational way when you literally feel like you're losing your mind and you are totally and utterly out of capacity.
- 10:38Speaker: I know what that feels like.
- 10:40Speaker: I know that it is so, so hard.
- 10:43Speaker: I'm also grateful that back then I was at Playcentre and I had an incredible village of other moms and parents around me that I could show up to Playcentre and they could look at my face and know that I'd had no sleep, and they would step in, and someone always had capacity to play with my toddler, maybe to carry my baby so that I could go and have a cup of tea or have a rest.
- 11:06Speaker: We were never meant to parent in isolation, and the modern world has us in this state.
- 11:12Speaker: So it's no wonder that we find ourselves at the edge more and more and more.
- 11:17Speaker: There are financial pressures, there are prof you know pressures on women to work, function in a relationship, have a great marriage or intimate relationship.
- 11:26Speaker: So, so so many pressures, and all these things just build and build and build, and we get overwhelmed and we get angry and we get frustrated and we get worn down, and there has to be a way for these feelings to come out.
- 11:41Speaker: What I'd like to change is how often this frustration and anger comes out on our children.
- 11:47Speaker: Why do I care so much about this?
- 11:50Speaker: Because I think it's a fundamental responsibility of adults as parents to take the lead in working on their own triggers so that they can respond in a relational way, with connection with calmness, and not do things that harm their children, harm themselves, harm property, and damage our relationships.
- 12:11Speaker: Our children are our most precious thing.
- 12:15Speaker: Why would we want to keep responding with anger and rage?
- 12:19Speaker: One of the books that I read really early on when I started this journey of awareness about myself and the kind of parent that I wanted to be is written by Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell, Parenting from the Inside Out.
- 12:32Speaker: See if you can track down a copy.
- 12:34Speaker: It is a gentle book that helps you explore what goes on for you on the inside so that you can parent in ways that you that leave you feeling good about yourself, feeling like you care about your children, and making sure that you're not going down to a shame spiral day after day about the things that aren't working in your parenting.
- 12:57Speaker: There are some day-to-day practical things you can do, and I say these with a depth of understanding that they might sound trite and unrealistic.
- 13:07Speaker: And there are days where I have felt, oh my goodness, I can't do any of those strategies, they're just not going to work.
- 13:13Speaker: In those moments, I pause, I reset, and know that tomorrow is a new day.
- 13:19Speaker: Spend some time asking yourself, how can you get the support that you need?
- 13:24Speaker: If you're feeling resilient with lots of capacity, then how can you support others around you?
- 13:30Speaker: Is it enough to keep saying that you're sorry?
- 13:33Speaker: How often can you mock up before it impacts your children?
- 13:37Speaker: These are some big questions, and I acknowledge that they might be triggering for some of us.
- 13:42Speaker: Some of you listening might go, well, it doesn't matter.
- 13:45Speaker: They're kids, they just need to deal with it.
- 13:48Speaker: I'm not here to judge, I'm here to encourage you to be curious about why you respond the way you respond, and does it have an impact on your relationship with your children?
- 14:00Speaker: I can see that when I do lose my cool and flip my lid, it does really impact my children.
- 14:08Speaker: It leaves them feeling disconnected from me, it leaves them feeling scared, it leaves them wondering, oh, is this gonna happen again?
- 14:16Speaker: Why do we harm our children when we love them more than anything in the world?
- 14:22Speaker: None of us have children thinking, oh, I'm gonna bring them into this world and do things to harm them.
- 14:28Speaker: I think it comes as a massive surprise and shock to all parents how much they can get stirred up by the things that their children do.
- 14:37Speaker: I see these as an opportunity for us to go, oh my goodness, I've got some work to do about myself, about my own life experiences, and what are the ways that I can express my feelings and frustration in a healthier way rather than taking it out on my children.
- 14:55Speaker: Last weekend I was standing in a ski lift line.
- 14:59Speaker: Like I said, I spent most of the weekend sitting on the edge of frustration.
- 15:04Speaker: It was really, really busy.
- 15:06Speaker: There were lots of people around.
- 15:08Speaker: I remember feeling hot, thirsty, completely and utterly dysregulated.
- 15:12Speaker: And two of my children were having what seemed like another fight, another scrap, and I just had to walk away.
- 15:19Speaker: It caught them by surprise that I just walked away.
- 15:23Speaker: But I knew that in that moment, if I didn't walk away, there was a high probability that I was going to flip my lid.
- 15:30Speaker: I really didn't want to flip my lid in a public place.
- 15:33Speaker: I didn't want to embarrass my children or myself in that way, and I knew that I just needed to walk away and find a place to sit down.
- 15:40Speaker: A few minutes later, my littlest came over and asked me, What do you need, mum?
- 15:46Speaker: And tried and gave me a hug.
- 15:48Speaker: I felt very moved by her being able to notice that I needed some help.
- 15:54Speaker: And there was also a part of me that went, Oh, this isn't her responsibility to meet my unmet needs.
- 16:01Speaker: I'm not going to add to her mental load and get in the way of her day and have her think that it's her fault or responsibility that I'm not coping.
- 16:10Speaker: It's absolutely wonderful that she was able to notice that I needed some help and was able to come over and say, Mum, what do you need?
- 16:17Speaker: I can see you're having a hard time.
- 16:19Speaker: And then it was my responsibility to go, thank you for checking in.
- 16:23Speaker: I'm going to be okay once I've had a drink of water, whatever it was I decided, decided I needed, that then I was going to be able to come back and let her know that I'd be able to go skiing again.
- 16:34Speaker: It was really important that I didn't make it about her.
- 16:38Speaker: I did feel like saying, Well, if you and your brother hadn't been fighting again, then maybe I wouldn't have felt like flipping my lid.
- 16:45Speaker: But I also knew that wasn't the truth.
- 16:48Speaker: I was on the edge because of my own needs not being met, not because they were fighting again.
- 16:54Speaker: If I had stepped into lecturing and blaming mode in that moment when I was definitely not in my thinking brain, that wouldn't have helped.
- 17:01Speaker: It never does.
- 17:03Speaker: Another thing that you need to develop an understanding of is how your brain works.
- 17:07Speaker: You've got your neocortex, which is your thinking brain, that sits on top of your limbic system, your emotional brain, and that sits on top of your reptilian brain, the part of your brain that keeps you alive and breathing.
- 17:18Speaker: All these different parts of our brain need to work in synchrony.
- 17:22Speaker: When we lose our temper, flip our lid, our thinking brain, our prefrontal cortex, has gone offline.
- 17:31Speaker: We're in our limbic system.
- 17:33Speaker: What happens in our brains is this limbic system gets activated so much faster when we're stressed and outside of our window of tolerance and capacity for relational ways.
- 17:43Speaker: The somewhat ironic, or I guess even more challenging, thing about self-regulation, being able to manage that ebb and flow of our emotions and feelings and stay within a window of tolerance and calmness is that we learn this in the context of relationship.
- 18:00Speaker: So I feel for many of us growing up in the generation that I grew up in, we maybe didn't have that opportunity to develop that co-regulation, that ability to regulate ourselves in the context of a relationship, because our feelings were shut down, we were told to be quiet, or whatever it was.
- 18:18Speaker: As adults, learning this skill of self-regulation is not something we can use our children for.
- 18:25Speaker: This is adult work.
- 18:27Speaker: Now, what do you do if you don't have a caring adult close by when you need them, when you can feel like you're losing the plot and you need someone to step in and take control of your children?
- 18:36Speaker: That is really hard, especially if you're solo parenting or your partner is out at work and they're not available in that moment.
- 18:43Speaker: One strategy you can do is have a few people you can call on.
- 18:47Speaker: This is something I have done over the years.
- 18:49Speaker: I had one or two friends who knew we had an agreement.
- 18:53Speaker: Hey, look, if I get into a really, really tricky parenting moment and I'm can feel myself simmering and I'm worried that I'm going to lose it, is it okay if I call you?
- 19:02Speaker: And that person was there, sure.
- 19:04Speaker: And when I did that and I had the courage to be vulnerable and letting somebody know I'm having a really, really hard time, I am so grateful I was able to do that because it meant that I didn't lose it with my children.
- 19:17Speaker: It meant that I had an adult available to me to co-regulate, get to the bottom of my frustration, almost always find my tears, and then I was able to come back and parent in a relational way.
- 19:28Speaker: Not expressing anger is not a sign of self-regulation.
- 19:33Speaker: I'm not saying we should never get angry.
- 19:35Speaker: Anger is a really valuable emotion that moves us to change what's not working for us.
- 19:41Speaker: But the furiosity of our rage needs to be expressed in ways that doesn't cause harm to others, ourselves, or our children.
- 19:50Speaker: Our most precious thing.
- 19:52Speaker: Don't make it your kids' fault when you lose the plot and you're out of capacity.
- 19:57Speaker: Yelling at them to stop yelling and fighting is only showing them what not to do.
- 20:01Speaker: Do you notice that when you are out of capacity and you feel like you're going to flip, that you're way more likely to get stuck in fight mode and not be able to see a camera way to solve the problem?
- 20:13Speaker: We go head to head, and that causes things to escalate.
- 20:17Speaker: When my son is angry and yelling at me to go away, get out of his room, telling me I can't tell him what to do, you know, I can hear the voice in my head that says, that's actually a great idea.
- 20:31Speaker: Now he is so wound up, and I'm so wound up that really the best thing for me to do is to walk away and take a break.
- 20:38Speaker: But my limbic brain, my emotional brain, is so triggered that it takes huge practice and self-awareness and self-control to be able to go, I am going to listen to that voice in my head, and I am going to walk away.
- 20:53Speaker: Even if that means he gets an extra five minutes on the iPad, the very thing that I was arguing with him about stopping.
- 21:00Speaker: I can come back to, hey, let's work out a plan for how we can finish device time when both of us are Cam.
- 21:07Speaker: But if I try to do it in that moment, then I'm more likely to get stuck and things will only escalate.
- 21:14Speaker: I can't expect my child to be the one to de-escalate the situation.
- 21:18Speaker: That's my job as an adult.
- 21:20Speaker: So, if we have lost it, how do we repair?
- 21:25Speaker: What does it mean to repair when we've had a bust up with our child?
- 21:29Speaker: It means we go back, we take responsibility for what we did, we can apologize for yelling.
- 21:37Speaker: This is something that we definitely cannot do.
- 21:41Speaker: We cannot offer a repair that has conditions.
- 21:45Speaker: So, what does a repair with conditions look like?
- 21:48Speaker: I am so sorry that I yelled at you, but you weren't doing what I asked you to do.
- 21:53Speaker: That is not an honest repair.
- 21:55Speaker: That is not you owning your feelings of frustration and overwhelm.
- 21:59Speaker: It doesn't actually matter what it was that they did.
- 22:03Speaker: Like I said, we can talk about that with them when things are calm.
- 22:08Speaker: But coming with a hey, I'm sorry, but those aren't genuine sorries.
- 22:13Speaker: Our children are left feeling like, yeah, she yelled again.
- 22:17Speaker: Yeah, she said sorry, but really she thinks it's all my fault and she's not able to manage her temper.
- 22:23Speaker: Constant ruptures and being gone, those hens being gone, as we talk about in Circle of Security parenting, is harmful for our children.
- 22:32Speaker: Just because we can turn up and say sorry doesn't make it okay if we keep losing it, if we keep scaring them, if we keep harming them when we're really mad.
- 22:42Speaker: You might hear others say, it's okay.
- 22:45Speaker: I yell at my children all the time.
- 22:47Speaker: But really?
- 22:48Speaker: Does that really mean it's okay and not detrimental to their well-being?
- 22:53Speaker: And also at the cost of our own sense of ourselves and how we show up every day.
- 23:00Speaker: I know from times of intense stress where I felt like I was losing it way more often than I thought was okay or wanted to, that really affected how I felt about myself as a parent.
- 23:12Speaker: It affected my self-esteem, it impacted my relationship with my children, and that's not a cost that I'm willing to keep paying.
- 23:20Speaker: We are responsible for growing ourselves up so we can be the answer to our children and be what they need.
- 23:27Speaker: We have to find a way to get our own needs met.
- 23:30Speaker: That is not our children's job.
- 23:32Speaker: We need to find some care around us and embed ourselves in cascading care.
- 23:38Speaker: I know this can be really hard as a solo parent.
- 23:42Speaker: There's that constant push and pull of wanting to meet their needs because of only having them half the time, and also needing to set boundaries so I can meet my needs when they are with me.
- 23:52Speaker: We'll talk more about the challenges of solo parenting in future episodes.
- 23:57Speaker: There are always reasons and excuses to not do what we need to do to get back into our window of tolerance and capacity.
- 24:03Speaker: But at what cost to our children's well-being and felt safety?
- 24:07Speaker: I'm not trying to make you feel guilty or get stuck in a shame cycle, but I really believe this honest conversation needs to be had.
- 24:15Speaker: An honest conversation about the impact it has on our children when we are out of control with anger and say or do things that are harmful.
- 24:23Speaker: Walk away, pause, lie down on the floor, get outside, run cold water over your hands.
- 24:31Speaker: Breathe, cross your arms in a hug and rhythmically tap your hands on your arms, or find another way to get some rhythmic input, even if it's only for a few moments.
- 24:42Speaker: You may be wondering how you can do this if there's no adult to step in and care for your children.
- 24:47Speaker: Yes, it's hard, and there are always ways to step away even for a minute or so.
- 24:53Speaker: Plan ahead before you lose it.
- 24:56Speaker: If you've older children, make a plan with them.
- 24:59Speaker: Let them know, you know, sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose it and I'm going to yell.
- 25:04Speaker: I don't want to do that.
- 25:05Speaker: I'm going to take a break when that happens.
- 25:07Speaker: Maybe you can read a book or watch TV.
- 25:10Speaker: I'll be back when I'm feeling calmer.
- 25:12Speaker: With younger babies and toddlers, again you can have a plan in advance for where is a safe place for them to be while you take a break.
- 25:20Speaker: I don't mean leaving them unsupervised for any length of time, but can you pop them into their cot for a few minutes while you take a moment?
- 25:28Speaker: This isn't leaving them to cry.
- 25:30Speaker: This is preventing you causing harm by yelling or rough handling or other harmful actions.
- 25:35Speaker: If you plan in advance when your thinking brain is functioning, then it's more likely that you'll be able to rely on those strategies and responses when you have flipped your lid.
- 25:44Speaker: I know that today's episode might be triggering for some of you.
- 25:48Speaker: My intention is to hold space for this difficult conversation for anyone struggling with managing their emotions when they parent.
- 25:56Speaker: It's not about perfection and never losing your shit ever again.
- 26:00Speaker: That's unrealistic.
- 26:01Speaker: But it is about having an envoys conversation about what's okay and what's potentially harmful for our children.
- 26:08Speaker: If you need support for your mental health and well-being, then reach out to a skilled professional.
- 26:13Speaker: I'd love to hear what's happening in your family.
- 26:16Speaker: If you have a parent in question, challenge, or concern, send me a message.
- 26:20Speaker: Together we can make sense of what's going on.
- 26:23Speaker: If you found this episode helpful, please like it.
- 26:25Speaker: Share it with another parent, and follow the podcast to help grow this community.
- 26:30Speaker: Until next time, stay curious.