Latest / Beautifully Complex / 300: 5 Myths That Hurt Neurodivergent Kids (And What to Do Instead!), with Penny Williams

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300: 5 Myths That Hurt Neurodivergent Kids (And What to Do Instead!), with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Society is a group of individuals. Schools are groups of individuals.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: We are raising individuals, so kids need different things to
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  Speaker 1: figure out their best path. Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast,
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  Speaker 1: where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids
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  Speaker 1: straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm
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  Speaker 1: a parenting coach, author and mindset mama, honored to guide
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  Speaker 1: you on the journey of raising your atypical kid. Let's
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: get started. Hi, everyone, Welcome back to Beautifully Complex. I
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: am going to do a very special episode because this
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  Speaker 1: is episode three hundred. I have now recorded for you
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  Speaker 1: three hundred episode modes of Beautifully Complex and it has
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  Speaker 1: been a real journey and a learning, a growth experience
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  Speaker 1: and really fulfilling for me to be able to help
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  Speaker 1: so many families like mine that have been struggling. So
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  Speaker 1: for episode three hundred, I want to tackle some myths
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  Speaker 1: about neuro divergence because there are many beliefs that are
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  Speaker 1: still happening every day all around us that limit our kids,
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  Speaker 1: limit us as parents, and cause a lot of struggle
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  Speaker 1: and hardship for people who don't need it nor deserve it.
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  Speaker 1: And I really wanted to talk about this in particular
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  Speaker 1: to challenge outdated thinking and to empower you with facts
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  Speaker 1: and strategies that really truly support our neuro divergent kids.
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  Speaker 1: Parenting neurodivergent kids is really hard. It comes with a
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  Speaker 1: lot of unique challenges, but also with so many incredible
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  Speaker 1: strengths and gifts. I would not be the person that
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  Speaker 1: I am today without having a neurodiversent kid. I just
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  Speaker 1: wouldn't be. He has taught me so many things about
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  Speaker 1: being a human being, about the stories of others, about
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  Speaker 1: judgment and compassionate empathy, and validation and pressure in all
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  Speaker 1: of these things that I just have such a different
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  Speaker 1: perspective on now, and I'm so very thankful for that.
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  Speaker 1: So as I love to you on the podcast, Let's
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  Speaker 1: bust the top five myths that really hurt our neurodivergent kids,
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  Speaker 1: and they're a virgin adults and talk about some things
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  Speaker 1: that we maybe should do instead or could do instead.
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  Speaker 1: Number one, and this is probably my number one pet peeve,
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  Speaker 1: they just need to try harder. Our kids don't need
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  Speaker 1: to try harder. They are trying very hard. They are
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  Speaker 1: trying so much harder than most people in their life
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  Speaker 1: notice or give them credit for they are working very hard.
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  Speaker 1: One day, when my kid was I would say fourth grade,
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  Speaker 1: maybe fifth grade, he came home from school and there
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  Speaker 1: was something about school that I needed to talk to
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  Speaker 1: him about. I probably had an email from a teacher
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  Speaker 1: or a call from a teacher. And I had learned
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  Speaker 1: already not to take everything from one side of the
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  Speaker 1: story only. I had learned to not be judgmental and
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  Speaker 1: really listen. And he began to cry, and he said,
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  Speaker 1: nobody understands how hard I am trying. Nobody understands, nobody
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  Speaker 1: sees it. And that was a real eye opener for me.
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  Speaker 1: Our kids are trying very hard. All kids want to succeed.
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  Speaker 1: As Ross Green has taught us, kids do well if
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  Speaker 1: they can, not when they can not if they want to.
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  Speaker 1: Kids do well if they can. That means that their
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  Speaker 1: intention is to do well ninety nine point nine nine
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  Speaker 1: nine percent of the time. So effort isn't the issue
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  Speaker 1: with ADHD, autism, anxiety. It's not the effort. It's their
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  Speaker 1: brain wiring, it's their executive functioning, it is their nervous
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  Speaker 1: system and regulation. Struggles with attention, emotional regulation, or learning
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  Speaker 1: are not laziness. Folks, please share this with everyone you know.
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  Speaker 1: It's not laziness, it's neurological, not lazy neurological. Some supportive
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  Speaker 1: strategies you can use when it feels like a kid
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  Speaker 1: isn't trying hard enough. Scaffold the task, support where they
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  Speaker 1: are and the help and accommodation that they need. Provide
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  Speaker 1: some regulation strategies and the time and space to get
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  Speaker 1: regulated and validate their experience. I see that you're trying
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  Speaker 1: really hard. I get that nobody sees how hard you're trying.
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  Speaker 1: Trying isn't the issue, and I get it. So how
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  Speaker 1: can I help you? What can we do to support
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  Speaker 1: you and provide the strategies and tools you need to
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  Speaker 1: succeed in this area where people feel like you're not
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  Speaker 1: trying hard enough? Makes sense? Myth number two neurodivergent kids
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  Speaker 1: need to fit in or act neurotypical in order to
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  Speaker 1: be successful. That is so wholly untrue, folks, completely and
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  Speaker 1: utterly untrue. We want our kids to be authentically themselves.
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  Speaker 1: We don't want them to pretend to be somebody they're not.
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  Speaker 1: Success isn't about masking or conforming. It's about embracing strengths
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  Speaker 1: and crafting a life that works for that individual. Forcing
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  Speaker 1: kids to act neurotypical leads them to burnout, to anxiety,
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  Speaker 1: to low self esteem, to depression, to giving up, and
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  Speaker 1: to stop trying altogether. Right, if you keep trying and trying,
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  Speaker 1: and you're trying so hard and nobody ever sees it
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  Speaker 1: and you never succeed, how long until you quit trying?
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  Speaker 1: SAME's true for our kids. People, Some supportive strategies show
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  Speaker 1: up neuro affirming, create neuro affirming environments for your kid, home, family, school, community,
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  Speaker 1: celebrate their neurodivergence, Advocate for accommodations and model acceptance. I
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  Speaker 1: want to say that again, Celebrate their neurodivergence, celebrate the
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  Speaker 1: amazing individual that they are. Advocate for them for accommodations
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  Speaker 1: and model self acceptance. That's how we get over the
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  Speaker 1: hurdle of giving the idea that they must fit in
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  Speaker 1: to be successful. Number three and this is one. These
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  Speaker 1: all drive me crazy. That's what I'm talking about them. Right,
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  Speaker 1: every time I'm like, oh, this one really gets me.
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  Speaker 1: All five of these really get me. I get really
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  Speaker 1: upset about them. And that's why we're here to bust
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  Speaker 1: these myths. To help you find ways to overcome these
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  Speaker 1: myths that we have all around us. So number three,
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  Speaker 1: there's only one path to success, I call BS. Some
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  Speaker 1: people would not, but we all should because that's the truth.
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  Speaker 1: There are many, many different ways to success. There are
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  Speaker 1: so many people who had terrible grades in school who
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  Speaker 1: are happy, successful adults, neurotypical, NERD, divergent, it doesn't matter,
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  Speaker 1: but that is the truth of the matter. You don't
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  Speaker 1: have to get good grades in high school and go
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  Speaker 1: to college and get a four year degree to be
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  Speaker 1: a happy, successful adult, period, end of discussion. It is
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  Speaker 1: just not true. Traditional schooling, college, and nine to five
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  Speaker 1: jobs don't work for everyone. Imagine if they did, how
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  Speaker 1: boring would the world be. How many community services and
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  Speaker 1: things would be totally out of whack. We would have
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  Speaker 1: lawlessness and trash everywhere, and it would just be bonkers.
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  Speaker 1: There is a place for everyone, and they need to
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  Speaker 1: find the place that fits for them. Success looks totally
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  Speaker 1: different for each individual. Entrepreneurship, creative work, specialized fields, and
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  Speaker 1: alternative education paths are all valid, as you all probably
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  Speaker 1: know if you've listened to it any other episodes of
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  Speaker 1: this podcast that are recent. My kid is a young
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  Speaker 1: adult and we are trying to give opportunities, explore different
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  Speaker 1: ideas and figure out what kind of job or career
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  Speaker 1: he would like to have. And over the last week
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  Speaker 1: we have been looking into surgical technician. He definitely needs
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  Speaker 1: to be in a helper field. It lights him up
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  Speaker 1: to be a helper and he is so kind and
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  Speaker 1: compassionate and empathetic, and he can have a career that's
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  Speaker 1: also an outlet for that that uses that strength. He's
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  Speaker 1: decided that nursing isn't quite the right fit because while
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  Speaker 1: he's good with blood, he's not really excited about other
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  Speaker 1: bodily fluids and things like that. And so we were
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  Speaker 1: looking at things that are sort of aligned with nursing
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  Speaker 1: and found surgical technician. And let me just tell you,
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  Speaker 1: folks here in my area in North Carolina, it is
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  Speaker 1: a two year associate's degree at the community college, which
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  Speaker 1: is very inexpensive, less than ten grand, probably far less
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  Speaker 1: than ten grand versus a different state supported school with
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  Speaker 1: housing and food and everything for four years at ninety grand.
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  Speaker 1: And the pay the starting pay for a surgical technician
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  Speaker 1: is forty three dollars an hour. In the US, it
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  Speaker 1: can go up to one hundred grand a year for
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  Speaker 1: a two year degree, and he's pretty dang excited about that.
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  Speaker 1: That could definitely be a successful path if he enjoys it,
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  Speaker 1: and it didn't require good grades in high school, and
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  Speaker 1: it doesn't require a four year college degree. And I
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  Speaker 1: know many people with four year college degrees that don't
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  Speaker 1: make near that much money. You don't have stable income,
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  Speaker 1: and that would provide a stay income. And income isn't
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  Speaker 1: the only measure of success here, people. I am the
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  Speaker 1: first one to tell you that being comfortable financially is important.
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  Speaker 1: Being stable financially is important. What's more important is that
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  Speaker 1: you enjoy the work that you're doing, because that's what
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  Speaker 1: brings real joy. So some supportive strategies for this myth
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  Speaker 1: about one and only one path to success. Identify your
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  Speaker 1: kid's strengths and interests, find out what brings them joy,
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  Speaker 1: what lights them up, what would they like to do
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  Speaker 1: on a regular basis. Explore unconventional paths. There's community college,
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  Speaker 1: there's mentorship. There's getting in on the ground level and
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  Speaker 1: being an assistant in something and working your way up.
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  Speaker 1: There's networking and finding an ally in the area that
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  Speaker 1: you'd like to work. And there's so many opportunities here
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  Speaker 1: to have a more unconventional path to success. And the
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  Speaker 1: first and foremost really thing you have to do is
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  Speaker 1: to let go of societal expectations. You just got to
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  Speaker 1: let go. You know what's right for your kid. Other
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  Speaker 1: people may not. You know what's true and not true.
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  Speaker 1: You have to let that go. There's not only one path.
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  Speaker 1: I promise you, there's not only one path. And your
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  Speaker 1: kid needs.
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  Speaker 2: To lead to discover the path that is right for them.
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  Speaker 1: All right. Our fourth myth that we are going to
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  Speaker 1: challenge and bust wide open here. And this is when
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  Speaker 1: I hear from parents so often needs more discipline. Don't
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  Speaker 1: you love that one? Doesn't that one just make your
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  Speaker 1: skin crawl? Your kid just needs more discipline? No, they don't.
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  Speaker 1: Discipline is not the answer. We have such a crime
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  Speaker 1: and punishment society. It's crime and punishment for actual crime, right,
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  Speaker 1: But so often we're criminalizing behavior that isn't really criminal.
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  Speaker 1: There's crime and punishment in parenting. I'm going to tell
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  Speaker 1: you what to do. You're going to follow these rules
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  Speaker 1: or else you get this punishment and punishment and discipline
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  Speaker 1: are there to teach a child not to do the
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  Speaker 1: same thing? Twice. But if you've got an impulsive kid,
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  Speaker 1: a clinically impulsive kid, they can't stop and think about that.
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  Speaker 1: It's not going to work for them. But instead of
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  Speaker 1: going down the discipline path, we need to go down
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  Speaker 1: the behavior as communication path. The let's look at the
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  Speaker 1: science of behavior, let's look at the automatic nervous system.
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  Speaker 1: Let's look at regulation and dysregulation. I teach people to
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  Speaker 1: stop saying good and bad behavior. It's regulated behavior and
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  Speaker 1: disregulated behavior. That's it. Let's take the judgment out of it.
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  Speaker 1: More discipline is never the answer, and in fact, it's
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  Speaker 1: often more dysregulating, which makes things less doable for your kids.
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  Speaker 1: Many challenging behaviors are these instinctual nervous system responses. It
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  Speaker 1: is not intentional. It's not intentional. It's happened, whether it
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  Speaker 1: was the right thing or the wrong thing, It broke
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  Speaker 1: a rule or didn't break a role, whatever, it's born
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  Speaker 1: out of dysregulation as a nervous system response to perceived danger,
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  Speaker 1: not having felt safety. So punishment isn't going to help
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  Speaker 1: a disregulated child, never, never, never. But understanding and regulation
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  Speaker 1: tools will help a dysregulated child. And when they get regulated,
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  Speaker 1: what happens. Behavior improves because things are doable, and their
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  Speaker 1: alarm in their nervous system isn't just screaming at them
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  Speaker 1: that there's danger and they must either fight or flee
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  Speaker 1: or freeze. Right. And then our last and fifth myth,
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  Speaker 1: it comes around accommodations, and there's really two myths wrapped
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  Speaker 1: up in this one. One is that accommodations are unfair.
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  Speaker 1: Please please, please please. It's unfair to not have a
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  Speaker 1: neurotypical brain and be told that you have to succeed
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  Speaker 1: in a school system designed for neurotypical brains. That's what's unfair.
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  Speaker 1: And the second myth is that if we accommodate too much,
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  Speaker 1: then kids don't learn resilience, they don't learn how to
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  Speaker 1: challenge themselves grow, which is also just not true. Accommodations
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  Speaker 1: actually level the playing field. They're not an unfair advantage.
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  Speaker 1: They're like putting on eyeglasses when you can't see. They're
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  Speaker 1: just leveling the playing field. Kids need different things to
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  Speaker 1: reach their full potential. You and I need different things
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  Speaker 1: to reach our full potential. What may have helped you
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  Speaker 1: figure out your place in the world as an adult
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  Speaker 1: may not have helped me at all. Or vice versa.
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  Speaker 1: Individuals here are people. Society is a group of individuals.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: Schools are groups of individuals. We are raising individuals, so
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: kids need different things to figure out their best path.
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  Speaker 1: We can advocate confidently for accommodations and educate others on
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  Speaker 1: why they matter. We can also educate others on the
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  Speaker 1: fact that resilience comes from being supported, not struggling alone.
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  Speaker 1: Support not being alone. Meeting needs builds confidence and self trust,
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  Speaker 1: and that leads to long term independence. Meeting needs builds
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  Speaker 1: confidence and self trust. Think about that for a minute.
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  Speaker 1: Self trust. Many many, many of our kids who are
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  Speaker 1: nerdivergent struggle with self trust. They don't trust themselves to
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  Speaker 1: make decisions. They don't trust themselves to be able to succeed,
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  Speaker 1: because that's what messages they're getting. So we can provide scaffolding. Remember,
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  Speaker 1: scaffolding is support that we put up as it's needed,
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: and then we can start to take it away piece
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  Speaker 1: by peace when that is doable, when a kid can
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: still succeed, when we start pulling back the scaffolding and
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: the support, we can encourage self advocacy, especially in my
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: own experiences with the school. If my kid told them
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: he needed something and I told them he needed the
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: same thing. They were much more likely to listen if
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: it came from him than if it came from me,
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: because they think parents just love their kids and want
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  Speaker 1: everything to be easy. And I get how it can
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  Speaker 1: feel like that and how it can sound like that.
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: We ask for accommodations and so forth. So self advocacy
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  Speaker 1: is key to life success. We have to be able
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: to ask for what we need when we need it,
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  Speaker 1: and be able to support that request. Why do I
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: need to email my assignments in instead of turn in papers?
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Why do I need to have a digital device out
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: in the field at my job instead of shuffling and
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: writing on paper. Stuff like that. It's really important we
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  Speaker 1: advocate for ourselves throughout our whole lives. We need to
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  Speaker 1: teach that early for our kids so they can get
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  Speaker 1: the accommodations they need to succeed. And then we need
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: to gradually build skills in a safe environment. How do
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: we build skills in a safe environment. They have to
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: be doable and just write challenges, But the whole key
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: to building skills is that safe environment. If a kid
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: doesn't feel safe physically, socially, psychologically, emotionally, mentally. Then they
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  Speaker 1: are not available to learn. Their nervous system is just regulated,
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: their thinking brain is offline. They cannot learn new skills.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: Safety is paramount, a sense of felt safety is paramount.
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  Speaker 1: So those are our five myths, and I hope that
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  Speaker 1: I have sufficiently and effectively busted them for you, and
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  Speaker 1: that you no longer believe any of these things if
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: you even did, or that they are validating exactly how
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: you feel and exactly why hearing these things gets you
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: and your kid upset. I want to encourage you to
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: shift your mindset from fixing to understanding and empowering your kid.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: Help your kid feel seen, heard, understood, and valued, and
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  Speaker 1: that will empower them to live well in a neurotypical
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  Speaker 1: world and to be themselves in that neurotypical world. What
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: myth really resonated with you most? What do you hear
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: most often? What makes you upset most often? Or maybe
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: what did you believe that now you realize is false?
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: And then what's one thing that you're gonna shift about
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: your thinking around these concepts and ideas? This week? You
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: can go to the show notes and answer those question
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: that love to chat with you there. It's at PARENTINGADHD
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: NOSS dot com slash three zero zero because this is
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: episode three hundred and I have a special download, free
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: download for you there on the three hundredth episode. It
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: is three hundred small winds ideas, and I hope you'll
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: go there and grab that and start implementing them. They
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: are all simple, easy ways to get some quick wins,
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: some small wins that will help to build more and
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: more wins for your kid and for your family. Right
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: because we are a collective unit. I hope to see
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: you on the next episode. Take good care. Thanks for
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't forget to
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: check out my online courses and parent coaching at PARENTINGADHD
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: and Autism dot com and at the Behavior Revolution dot com.