Latest / High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm / Managing their emotions is crushing you & delaying their growth!

Transcript

Managing their emotions is crushing you & delaying their growth! · High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm

• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the High Level Wife Podcast.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Chelsea Holm, your hostess, and here we do Marriage Godsway.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to dive into what I had a recent conversation with one of my clients about carrying and managing everyone's emotions around her because she's exhausted, she's burnt out, she feels like she's walking on eggshells.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so I want to ask you a question that I was having this conversation with her about is how many people's emotions are you carrying right now?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Your husband's mood, your teenager's disappointment, your child's frustration, whether everyone is getting along or not, whether your husband is upset with you or not, whether the kids are happy with dad, whether dad is happy with the kids, whether everyone feels okay, and you're constantly reading the room, anticipating reactions, smoothing things over, explaining one person to another, preventing disappointment, hello participation trophy mentality, right?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Fixing tension before everyone has to feel it.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: And you've called it loving, helping, keeping the peace, being a good wife and mom, but some of you are carrying a responsibility God never gave you and it's crushing you.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I want you to understand my heart on this because I grew up like this, very, very in tune with the emotional atmosphere of any room that I walked into.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this was something I learned as a self-protection mechanism because if I could decipher the atmosphere of the room, I was able then to manage other people's emotions, right?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: But unfortunately, what happened in that process was I had to put my stuff my emotions down and ignore them, right?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: So not so good, right?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Led to a lot of things, not feeling pain, um, not being able to cry, not being able to express myself, not being able to ask for what I needed, right?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't helpful to anyone.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: You were never assigned everyone's emotional state.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: You are responsible for your heart, your words, your actions, your obedience before God.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: You are not responsible for making sure another adult isn't disappointed or frustrated or uncomfortable or angry, or never experiences consequences.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: My goodness, right?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Consequences are a natural part of life.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: You can care deeply about someone's emotions without taking ownership of them.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Those are not the same thing.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: I constantly correct my kids when they're like, he's making me feel this way.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, nobody can make you feel any certain way unless you allow them to take ownership and responsibility of your emotions.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I just killed a mosquito in my husband's car and smeared it all over the windshield.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Whoopsie, I might have to clean that off later.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, um, Galatians 6, verse 2 and verse 5.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: This passage gives us such an important tension.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Bear one another's burdens, and just a few verses later, it's each will have to bear his own load.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: There are burdens that we lovingly help one another carry, and then there are loads each person must learn to carry before God.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Wisdom knows the difference.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, marriage isn't the same as or managing.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, marriage, I talk about marriage all the time.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Managing isn't the same as loving.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Managing says he's upset, so I need to fix this.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: What can I do to make him happy?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: My child is disappointed.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I need to make it better, right?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I need to buy them the ice cream, you know, so that they have this good association with whatever, right?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: There's a tension, so I need to smooth it over.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: If I say no, she'll be upset.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll just say yes, and then I'll hate life after that and regret and begrudgingly do all the things that I agreed to that I didn't even want to.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: If I bring this up, he'll be uncomfortable, so I'll absorb it myself.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's totally fine.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: I got this, no worries.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and eventually your nervous system is monitoring the emotional temperature of the entire house, and that is exhausting because you've made yourself responsible for outcomes you can't control.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Your kids are gonna get disappointed, your husband's gonna get frustrated, right?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Your teenagers are are going to just you know have their things, they're gonna have their things, and you know, you can't manage that, okay?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: You just can't.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's exhausting, it will crush you.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the part that we don't talk about when you continually manage someone else's emotions, you actually prevent them from learning to manage their own.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: One of my daughters just told me recently, she was like, Yeah, my friend, she just has um, she said it as it wasn't big emotions that her friend said she has, she has um, oh gosh, loud emotions or something like that.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I was like, okay, well, that's a lack of self-control.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: So rather than just saying, like, oh, this is how she is, like, we need parents to be stepping in and like helping her to not let these emotions have authority over her, right?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Helping her to be able to actually submit them to Christ to to abide in the Lord and have the fruit-produced self-control in her, anyways.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I realize she's young, but you know, we had that conversation.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's a higher level conversation, right?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I always rescue you from discomfort, you never learn what to do with discomfort.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: If I always prevent consequences, you don't learn from consequences.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And guess what?
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: The older you get, the bigger and weightier those consequences get.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: If I always smooth over conflict, you don't actually learn repair.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: If I always regulate the room, everyone else can remain emotionally irresponsible.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: If I constantly carry what belongs to my husband, I may actually interfere with the very growth I'm praying God produces in him.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: So let's look at Jesus.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: We always got to go back to Jesus.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus was extraordinarily compassionate, but Jesus did not manage everyone's response to him.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Mark 10, 17 and 22 talks about the rich young ruler, right?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: And Jesus tells him the truth, and the man walks away sorrowful, right?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus didn't chase after him and try to convince him, right?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus let him walk away.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Scripture specifically tells us Jesus loved him, and that's important.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Love did not require Jesus to remove the man's discomfort, right?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus didn't bend the rules and be like, oh no, it's cool, you can get in, right?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus loved him enough to tell him the truth and allowed him to decide what he would do with it.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's mature love.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes discomfort is where God does his work.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Second Corinthians 7:10, that godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: So think about that.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: We can become so committed to keeping people from feeling uncomfortable that we interrupt something God may use to produce growth.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: All right, conviction isn't comfortable, or getting smacked in the face by the Holy Spirit isn't comfortable.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: Having to deal with consequences isn't comfortable.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Repentance isn't comfortable.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: It requires us to humble ourselves.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Surrender isn't comfortable.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: It requires us to get to the end of ourselves saying, God, I can't, but you can.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Growth isn't comfortable because it requires us to be surrendered to the prophet, right?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: The pruning, the refining.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: So stop assuming that discomfort means something has gone wrong, right?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: We live in a society that doesn't like to be uncomfortable.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: So we we numb and we disassociate and we check out and we, you know, we we do all these things to not feel the pain.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: We pursue pleasure to avoid pain.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: But ultimately, this comes back to control.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: So remember what we've been talking about, right?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Control often masquerades as help.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And emotional management can be another form of control, right?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: If I can keep everybody okay, then I can feel okay.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Ooh, there's the deeper layer right there.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we're not actually managing their emotions for them, we're managing their emotions so we don't have to experience our own discomfort.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Their anger makes me anxious, their disappointment makes me feel guilty, their sadness makes me feel responsible, so I fix them to regulate me.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: But what if you trusted God with them?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: What if your husband is disappointed and you remain tender without fixing it?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: I love you, I hear you.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: And you let him process it.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: What if your teenager is frustrated with a consequence and you don't rescue them?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: What if there's tension and you don't immediately rush in and make everyone comfortable?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: What if instead you ask, Lord, what belongs to me here?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: And then do that.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing more, nothing less.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: We've got to give people back their own discipleship.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Philippians 2, 12 through 13, Paul says, Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not saying like we are to make disciples of all nations, right?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: So discipleship is very important.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: However, that's a different vein that we're talking about.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about discipleship of ourselves, right?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Discipline of ourselves in walking with the Lord.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: So notice who ultimately works in them.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's God.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Your husband needs his own surrender to God.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Your children need to learn their own surrender to God.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: They need opportunities to wrestle and to repent, to take responsibility, to experience consequences.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: When they're young, especially, those consequences are small and little, right?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: But as they get older and leave your nest, those consequences are going to get bigger and more devastating and impactful, right?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: They need opportunities to seek God and practice self-control to grow.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot surrender to God for them.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can't surrender to God for anyone else, okay?
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now you can war on their behalf through your own surrender, through prayer and fasting, right?
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: All of those things.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: We've already talked about those things.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: So we're not talking about that.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about the actual personal surrender.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, your job is much lighter.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's to love them, to tell the truth, to encourage them and pray for them.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: Help when help is actually yours to give.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Quickly apologize when you're wrong and hold appropriate boundaries.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Remain compassionate and then release the outcome to God.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Control is an illusion.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to keep everybody happy.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to keep everybody comfortable, and you don't have to make everybody grow.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can't.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: You do have to obey God.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: So go study this.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Read Mark 10, 17 through 22 in Galatians 6, 1 through 5, and then ask the following questions.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Whose emotions have I taken responsibility for?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Where am I rescuing someone from discomfort?
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because their discomfort makes me uncomfortable.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Where might my helping actually be enabling a lack of responsibility?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: And lastly, Lord, what belongs to me and what do I need to give back to you and to them?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: So, Christian wife, you can be tender without caring, everyone.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: You can be compassionate without rescuing.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can love someone while allowing them to be disappointed.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And you can stand beside your husband without standing between him and the work God wants to do in him.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Put the burden that isn't yours down.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Let your husband own his emotions, let your children learn to own theirs.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Let them wrestle with God.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Let them grow and you stay surrendered and responsible for the one disciple God has actually placed under your stewardship.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to carry your whole family.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Christ already does that.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you in the next episode.