Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S3E33 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: Helping Children Build Healthy Self-Esteem

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S3E33 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: Helping Children Build Healthy Self-Esteem · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we are in the Parent Companion
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  series and we have been diving into the 7 most common behaviors
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  that children
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  struggle with.
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  And therefore,
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  those 7 reasons most commonly that children
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  are involved in child centerered play therapy.
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  And we are finally on number 7.
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  So we're,
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  we're conquering these one at a time and we're finally at the end.
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  And today I want to talk about self-esteem.
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  Self-esteem is something that we
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  build
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  over the course of an entire lifetime.
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  We never reach a point where our self-esteem is
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  robust enough that we never have to
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  worry about it.
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  That is something that we are acquiring throughout the entire lifespan,
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  and self-esteem is something that is developed.
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  We are not born with a sense of self.
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  We're not born with an identity,
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  with a concept,
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  with confidence,
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  with esteem.
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  Those are all things that we have to acquire,
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  and we acquire those in different ways.
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  But many kids end up with low self-esteem
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  for a variety of reasons,
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  and it starts to impact daily function.
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  So one of the most consistent things that we see is that kids are very timid,
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  they're very cautious,
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  they are very careful.
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  They're hesitant,
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  they're avoidant.
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  They do not want to jump in and try things.
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  They're very hard on themselves,
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  self-imposed pressure.
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  They don't think that they're capable.
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  They don't trust themselves.
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  They don't accept themselves,
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  and the list goes on.
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  But that's kind of the big picture overview
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  of a child presenting with low self-esteem.
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  And really what it means is they just don't quite know who they are,
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  which is
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  normal and appropriate
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  in childhood.
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  It's very much a development of identity,
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  time period.
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  So what happens when a child has low self-esteem is they start to struggle,
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  usually relationally,
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  especially with peers.
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  Because it's very difficult for a child
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  to
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  connect with other
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  peers
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  and connect with friends
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  when the child doesn't even know who he or she is,
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  therefore,
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  no one else does either.
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  We've talked about this before.
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  If you go into a friend group
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  and you're always changing who you are.
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  I'm funny today,
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  I'm quiet the next day.
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  I'm bossy the next day,
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  I'm reserved the next day.
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  Kids don't know.
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  How to make heads or tails
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  of that kind of child.
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  And so one of the things that we're always seeing in low self-esteem kids
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  is they get down on themselves and they struggle socially.
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  So what happens in a play session.
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  Is we
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  Do not praise children.
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  In child-centered play therapy,
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  when a child walks into a playroom,
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  not only are they in charge,
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  which naturally increases their self-esteem because
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  they are completely
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  going to govern everything that happens,
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  and they're responsible for all of it.
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  They have to accept themselves.
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  They have to trust themselves.
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  They have to like themselves
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  because
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  it's them and only them
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  that's making decisions in there.
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  So that in and of itself,
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  just the fact that it's child-centered,
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  helps build their self-esteem.
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  Another component is
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  we notice kids.
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  One of the tenets by which we practice is
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  just noticing children is a powerful builder of self-esteem.
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  And that's all we do for the entire therapeutic hour.
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  We notice them.
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  We notice their behaviors,
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  their actions,
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  their words,
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  their feelings,
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  their body language,
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  their facial expression,
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  their tone of voice,
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  their shifts,
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  everything
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  we're attuned to.
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  We notice
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  and then we say it back to them.
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  So not only are we paying attention,
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  but they know
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  that we're noticing and paying attention.
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  That builds self-esteem,
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  but one of the other major components is we do not praise.
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  And we've talked about praise versus encouragement
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  in other seasons and in other episodes before.
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  So if that is a new concept to you,
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  that might mean that you're new to the podcast.
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  So if that is true of you,
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  welcome.
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  So glad you're here.
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  I know there's new listeners every single episode.
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  And
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  so really glad that you found us and whether you have your child in play therapy
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  or you are just trying to be the best parent that you can be,
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  you found your people,
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  so really happy to have you.
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  If you're unfamiliar with praise versus encouragement,
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  I don't have time to get into it.
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  Please go back and listen to earlier episodes.
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  But the very broad overview is praise is always value laden,
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  and it makes kids
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  contingent.
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  On
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  value
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  that is given.
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  In other words,
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  their only sense of who they are and their only sense of worth
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  comes from what other people say about them.
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  So good job.
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  Am I only good when someone tells me that I did a good job?
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  That's a very different approach
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  versus encouragement,
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  which is what we use in the playroom.
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  Which focuses on effort and contribution.
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  So a child comes in and regardless of outcome.
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  Whether a child fails 100 times,
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  whether a child never accomplishes something they were trying to do,
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  whether they feel inadequate or incompetent or incapable or any of those things,
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  they can still be provided with encouragement.
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  And encouragement helps them to start going,
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  I didn't give up.
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  I did work hard.
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  I did figure that out.
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  I did keep trying.
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  I did have a plan.
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  And what happens over time.
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  is
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  we notice them,
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  we give them the lead,
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  and we encourage them,
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  and we also use esteem building responses,
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  which is kind of similar.
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  And what happens is the child starts to go.
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  Yeah,
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  OK,
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  I see myself differently now.
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  I,
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  I have a new sense of self.
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  I have a new sense of what I'm capable of.
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  I actually am starting to like who I am
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  and all along,
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  keep in mind,
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  as I mentioned before,
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  there's kind of a snowball effect in play in child-centered play therapy.
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  So not only are all of these factors increasing self-esteem,
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  but
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  they're also
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  Learning
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  that as they are becoming better versions of themselves,
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  they like who they're becoming.
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  So self-actualization,
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  that fancy word for they become a better version of themselves,
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  as they're increasing their self-esteem,
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  they're also self-actualizing.
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  As they're self-actualizing,
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  it's naturally increasing their self-esteem.
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  As they learn to regulate.
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  They like themselves more.
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  As they learn to tone down the aggression,
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  they like themselves more.
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  As they learn to fight for power and control less,
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  they like themselves more.
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  As their anxiety decreases,
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  they like themselves more.
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  So all of this is swirling all at once.
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  And our interactions as well as all of these different components converging.
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  We basically end up with this idea
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  that a child that has no sense of who they are,
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  they don't accept themselves or like themselves,
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  they have no identity,
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  they have no value.
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  All of a sudden they start going.
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  I can figure this out.
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  Oh,
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  I'm capable of that.
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  I know how to fix that.
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  I have a plan.
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  I,
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  I,
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  I'll tackle that.
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  No problem.
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  And their self-esteem grows.
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  And this is one of the long term outcomes of child-centered play therapy also,
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  by the way,
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  we've talked about 4 universal outcomes.
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  Increased self-esteem is one of them.
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  This serves children forever.
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  So it is a temporary increase,
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  yes.
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  So in the moment they increase their self-esteem,
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  but it also stays with them forever
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  because the messages that you learn about yourself.
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  You don't forget them.
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  So when you test and prove over and over again,
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  I'm capable,
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  I'm competent,
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  I am adequate,
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  I am enough,
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  I accept myself,
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  I like myself,
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  I trust myself,
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  I know myself,
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  when those are the phrases that swirl through a child's mind.
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  That stays with them forever into their 20s,
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  30s,
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  40s,
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  and so on.
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  It changes the way they parent.
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  It changes the way that they are an employee
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  or a business owner.
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  It changes the way that they interact with their friends,
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  with their spouses,
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  with everybody in their life.
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  They have a better sense of who they are.
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  And therefore
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  they have grounded
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  everything about themselves
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  in light of self-esteem.
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  So that is one of the ways that
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  CCPT benefits that issue,
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  and we've looked at 7 now,
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  so we've kind of encapsulated all of the different presenting concerns.
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  If your child is not in play therapy and
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  you're just learning about kids and learning about parenting,
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  one of the most helpful things that you can do
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  is use encouragement.
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  Start with you.
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  That's a very helpful
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  intro to a sentence.
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  And it's always focused on effort,
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  not outcome.
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  So you knew what to do.
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  You had a plan.
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  You figured it out.
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  You worked on it.
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  You fixed it.
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  You knew,
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  you got it.
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  You did it.
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  You didn't give up.
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  Notice that it's not what you think about it.
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  We are eliminating value laden words.
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  We don't use value laden words in the playroom for that very reason.
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  You will never hear a CCPT that is fully adherent to the model
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  use a value-laden word in a play session.
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  Because
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  a value-laden word always has an opposite.
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  So you tell a kid that was awesome,
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  you could have also said it was awful.
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  You say good job,
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  you could have said bad job.
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  You say,
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  you're so smart,
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  you could have said you're a moron.
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  And what we're doing
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  when we eliminate those words and we say you at the start of a sentence,
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  the child has to process and confront
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  whether or not they agree with what you acknowledged about their effort.
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  I,
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  I did figure it out.
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  I did get it.
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  I did work on it.
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  I didn't give up.
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  And that becomes their sense of who they are.
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  Those are the things that they say to themselves instead of,
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  oh no,
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  what if?
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  or I can't do that,
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  or I don't know how,
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  or can you help me?
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  Those are all
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  consistent with low self-esteem kids.
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  But
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  kids that have developed a sense of who they are.
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  They say things like,
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  I've got it.
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  And that's what we want long term and in the present.
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  So I hope that that's helpful.
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  I hope that you've enjoyed these seven behaviors as part of the series,
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  and we are going to continue in the Parent Companion series.
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  We're going to start looking at specific concepts
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  that are helpful for you to know about your kids and
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  about the therapy process as we move into further episodes.
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  So,
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  if you'd like to reach out to me,
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  I'd love to hear from you,
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  Brenna at the kidcounselor.com.
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  And
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  I love y'all.
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  Have a great week.
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  I hope that you enjoy loving on your kids.
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  We'll talk soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.