Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #577 The Perfect Storm

Transcript

#577 The Perfect Storm · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now when I'm feeling angry, if I lose it, which
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  Speaker 2: does happen from time to time, if it's all just
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  Speaker 2: too much. The one thing that I respond best to
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  Speaker 2: is your tenderness.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Being a parent will text you, it will test you,
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  Speaker 2: it will try you. It will teach you a lot
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  Speaker 2: of things about yourself. And sometimes those things that you
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  Speaker 2: learn about yourself are not the kinds of things that
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  Speaker 2: you wish that you knew, and they make you want
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  Speaker 2: to change, hopefully at least if you're intentional about it
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  Speaker 2: and trying hard, which we know that listeners of the
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  Speaker 2: Happy Families podcast are doing. Hello, I'm doctor Justin Colson,
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  Speaker 2: the parenting expert on Channel nine's Parental Guidance. Season two
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  Speaker 2: is coming soon. The edits are underway and it's going
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  Speaker 2: to be such a great season. I'm here with Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: my wife and mum to our six children, one of
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  Speaker 2: whom lost the plot last night. Again Kylie, as she
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  Speaker 2: does most days.
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  Speaker 3: Well, it's winter and I thought that it might be
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  Speaker 3: a good idea for her.
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  Speaker 2: To excuse me, Can I just mention this, It's only
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  Speaker 2: winter for one more week, one more week, and winter.
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  Speaker 2: I just can't wait for winter to be over.
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  Speaker 3: And we were on top of everything, and so I thought,
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  Speaker 3: maybe what I would get her to do is actually
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  Speaker 3: have a bath a little bit earlier so she wasn't
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  Speaker 3: walking around with wet hair just before bedtime, and then
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  Speaker 3: she could watch an episode of her show, dinner would
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  Speaker 3: be ready, and the evening would just flow beautifully.
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  Speaker 4: I swear, I need to cancel that subscription, but anyway,
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  Speaker 4: go on.
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  Speaker 3: And so she was okay with it until she wasn't
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  Speaker 3: okay with it, and she just had an absolute meltdown.
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  Speaker 3: She came in, she tried to convince me otherwise that
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  Speaker 3: she would, you know, if she just turned things around,
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  Speaker 3: that it would work as well. And I just really calmly,
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  Speaker 3: I said, I understand what you're saying, Emily, I said,
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  Speaker 3: but I need you to do it this way for
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  Speaker 3: a few different reasons. Anyway, her emotions escalated. She threw
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  Speaker 3: my pillows and my cushions off the bed, my throat,
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  Speaker 3: it all just went everywhere, and she was going for it,
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  Speaker 3: and so I just I looked at her. I stayed
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  Speaker 3: really calm, and I said, I know you're really upset
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  Speaker 3: at me. I said, but I need you to have
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  Speaker 3: a bath. She walked out of my room. She slammed
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  Speaker 3: the door, and I heard her slam the front door
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  Speaker 3: as she raced outside, screaming.
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  Speaker 4: I thought I'd heard that screaming.
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  Speaker 3: And I thought, I wonder how this is going to end.
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  Speaker 1: Well.
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  Speaker 3: About five minutes later, she calmly walked into my bedroom
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  Speaker 3: and she said, Mum, I really just want to watch
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  Speaker 3: my episode now. And I said to her, well, I said,
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  Speaker 3: I'm really unhappy about what just happened. And she looked
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  Speaker 3: at me and she said, I know, I'm really sorry, mum,
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  Speaker 3: And without me saying anything, she went and picked up
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  Speaker 3: all of the pillows that she'd thrown off the bed,
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  Speaker 3: and she put them neatly back on the bed. And
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  Speaker 3: I said, do you think that you can just watch
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  Speaker 3: one episode and when it's finished, you'll go straight and
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  Speaker 3: have a bath. And she said she said, yes, I promise,
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  Speaker 3: And that's exactly what happened.
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  Speaker 2: There's a handful of things that we need to talk
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  Speaker 2: about here. The real topic of our conversation is what
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  Speaker 2: to do after a tantrum or a meltdown or a
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  Speaker 2: blow up, because a lot of parents will say that
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  Speaker 2: this is the time where we need to teach our
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  Speaker 2: child what they've done wrong and make them apologize and
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  Speaker 2: make sure that.
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  Speaker 4: Things get fixed.
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  Speaker 2: And we don't want to give them any love or
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  Speaker 2: any kindness or anything like that right then, because we're
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  Speaker 2: going to just reinforce the bad behavior that's just occurred.
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  Speaker 2: There's been a meltdown, and now we're going to give
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  Speaker 2: them a cuddle and make it all better, and they're
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  Speaker 2: going to be like, huh, I get really nice attention
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  Speaker 2: every time I have a meltdown, so therefore I'm gonna
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  Speaker 2: have more meltdowns.
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  Speaker 3: But I ask you a question, yeap, when you have
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  Speaker 3: a meltdown and somebody me me, someone is kind to
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  Speaker 3: you at the other end, does that reinforce your behavior?
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  Speaker 2: I have no idea what you're talking about, Okay, So
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  Speaker 2: it's funny that you asked that, because I was going
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  Speaker 2: to throw that question at you. This was something that
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  Speaker 2: I was thinking about as you were talking. When I'm
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  Speaker 2: feeling angry, if I lose it, which does happen from
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  Speaker 2: time to time, if it's all just too much and
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  Speaker 2: I can't handle you are human, yeah, only just yeah.
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  Speaker 2: The one thing that I respond best to is your tenderness.
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  Speaker 2: If you or one of the kids are gentle and
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  Speaker 2: recognize that I've had a bad time and either say
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  Speaker 2: sorry or say you're feeling really awful.
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  Speaker 4: It's been a bad day. What do you need.
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  Speaker 2: Whenever somebody responds to me with some compassion and some
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  Speaker 2: kindness and patience, some gentleness, something like that, it softens
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  Speaker 2: me on the spot.
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  Speaker 1: Now.
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  Speaker 2: I know that I'm a fully grown adult, and I
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  Speaker 2: happen to have spent a lot of time thinking about
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  Speaker 2: all this sort of stuff. But it's the same thing
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  Speaker 2: with most of our kids most of the time, unless
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  Speaker 2: they are so massively escalated, in which case they just
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  Speaker 2: need time. Having a soft, gentle response is absolutely critical.
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  Speaker 3: It's key whenever that happens, whether it be me or you.
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  Speaker 3: For me, it doesn't reinforce the behavior. It actually helps
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  Speaker 3: me to remember who I want to be and in
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  Speaker 3: turn try to be better, So it actually elevates my
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  Speaker 3: behavior as opposed to recreate the same kinds of things
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  Speaker 3: that we think think will happen. If we give our
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  Speaker 3: children the attention that they need in those times.
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  Speaker 2: Let me say it really clearly after a tantrum or
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  Speaker 2: meltdown or blow up, whatever it is, deeply connecting with
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  Speaker 2: your child and affirming to them that you see them
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  Speaker 2: as good and lovable is not going to reinforce bad behavior.
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  Speaker 4: What it will reinforce is.
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  Speaker 2: That they are lovable and that they are worthy and
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  Speaker 2: their sake, and that they're safe. And it will also
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  Speaker 2: teach them empathy and compassion self compassion and compassion for others,
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  Speaker 2: and resilience. It teaches them repair after rupture, which may
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  Speaker 2: be one of the most important skills that they can develop.
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  Speaker 2: A meltdown, a temper, tantrum, it's not quote unquote bad behavior.
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  Speaker 2: It's a disregulated child trying to communicate and doing a
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  Speaker 2: really bad job of it because they're clumsy and they
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  Speaker 2: don't have the skills.
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  Speaker 3: I was just thinking about it and thinking about the
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  Speaker 3: times where I've really lost it, and you've obviously been
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  Speaker 3: a soft place for me. If you hadn't been that
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  Speaker 3: soft place for me and either matched my own thoughts
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  Speaker 3: or were just a hard place, the thoughts and feelings
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  Speaker 3: that are going through my head at that moment are
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  Speaker 3: really unkind. I'm already berating myself I feel awful, and
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  Speaker 3: when somebody comes in behind me, they either will do
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  Speaker 3: one of two things. They'll diffuse that and help me
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  Speaker 3: to remember that what I'm thinking is not truth, or
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  Speaker 3: they'll reinforce it. And when you think about that and
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  Speaker 3: think about the power you have to create positive self
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  Speaker 3: talk with your children, that's powerful.
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  Speaker 2: After the break, we're going to talk about a couple
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  Speaker 2: of other brilliant things that you did last night without
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  Speaker 2: even knowing it, potentially and what we can do when
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  Speaker 2: our kids are losing it. Family life is pretty tough
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: going sometimes most days are a struggle between strong willed
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  Speaker 2: children and frazzled parents, but it can be better. The
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: twenty one Days to a Happier Family program is designed
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  Speaker 2: for busy parents who want a calmer, happier family, and
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  Speaker 2: it can be done with evidence based strategies and practices
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  Speaker 2: that really work in twenty one days. All resources are
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: available for your family for twenty one Days to a
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  Speaker 2: Happier Family at happy families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now.
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  Speaker 2: So last night, one thing that you did when our
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  Speaker 2: little one was really upset and came in, threw things
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  Speaker 2: all over the room, slammed the.
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  Speaker 4: Door, walked out.
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  Speaker 2: Is you you did well, it's actually something you didn't do.
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  Speaker 2: You didn't let your ego get in the way. Now,
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  Speaker 2: I don't know if it was because you were just
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  Speaker 2: exhausted and you couldn't be bothered in you're over Tampa tantrums.
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  Speaker 3: I might have been reading a book.
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  Speaker 2: You're in the middle of a book, and you're like, Hey,
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  Speaker 2: if you want to have a tantrum, that's up to you.
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  Speaker 2: But regardless of what was going on there, the central
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  Speaker 2: thing that's happening is when we get ego invested, we
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  Speaker 2: start to fight fire with fire. We say, you can't
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  Speaker 2: be disrespectful like that, and if you're going to disrespect me, well,
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  Speaker 2: i'm your parent and you're not to be disrespectful to
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  Speaker 2: me like that. So we say that's unacceptable, and we
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  Speaker 2: end up in this power struggle. The child throws something,
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  Speaker 2: we throw something back, usually words. We demand that they apologize.
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  Speaker 4: We tell them to pick that up.
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  Speaker 2: So they're already upset about one thing, and now we're
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  Speaker 2: telling them to pick that up, but they're going to
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  Speaker 2: prove that they don't have to pick it up, and
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  Speaker 2: so they're going to fight. And now we're fighting about
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  Speaker 2: the fact that they've thrown this thing on the floor,
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  Speaker 2: or that they've spoken disrespectfully or all of these things.
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  Speaker 4: And it gets bigger.
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  Speaker 2: Escalator, Yeah, it escalates really big. What you've done is
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  Speaker 2: essentially you've kept your ego Outamans and acknowledged you're really
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  Speaker 2: cranky at the moment. And she's been even crankier, and
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  Speaker 2: so she's walked out because she doesn't want to be
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  Speaker 2: near you, and she's had space, she's had the time.
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  Speaker 2: And I just think as parents, if we can give
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  Speaker 2: our kids the space and time to figure this stuff out.
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes they only need five minutes, like we saw last night.
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes they need more than that, and that's fine. But
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  Speaker 2: what they do is they come back to us. They're
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  Speaker 2: drawn to us because they know that we love them,
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  Speaker 2: they know that they're worthy, they know that we're not
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  Speaker 2: going to reject them, but we're going to allow them
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  Speaker 2: to work on the repair. And when we do it
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  Speaker 2: regularly and consistently, and that's what I love about this instant.
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  Speaker 2: The first time you do it, it may not work
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  Speaker 2: at all. The first ten times you do it, it may
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  Speaker 2: not work at all. But because we've been consistent with
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  Speaker 2: our kids in doing this. What that means is that
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  Speaker 2: when it happens now, because they're human not robots, they
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  Speaker 2: still have these moments, but they get over it faster
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  Speaker 2: and they come back to us and they know what
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  Speaker 2: the process is to make the repair occur, and we
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: don't force them. We just sit there with them while
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: they figure it out. And then you've had this little
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  Speaker 2: negotiation because frankly, she was going to watch an episode
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  Speaker 2: and she was going to have a bath. Your preference
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  Speaker 2: was that the bath happened first.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, so it wasn't cold when she got out right.
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  Speaker 2: But ultimately, so long as she does both of those things,
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  Speaker 2: as long as she adheres to the rules, the expectation
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  Speaker 2: that the TV is going to go off at the
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  Speaker 2: appropriate time at the end of that episode, so that
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  Speaker 2: the rest of the routine can occur. Who cares what
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  Speaker 2: happens first. Sometimes it does matter, But most of the time,
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  Speaker 2: why do we turn these things into massive power struggles?
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  Speaker 3: I think sometimes it doesn't always happen like that, and
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  Speaker 3: there's been plenty of times where I haven't been able
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  Speaker 3: to hold my calm, But I think that idea of
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  Speaker 3: creating space is often just as important for ourselves. Because
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  Speaker 3: we often catch our kids' emotions, we often find ourselves
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  Speaker 3: probably even more worked up than they are. By the
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  Speaker 3: time they've calmed down, we're still holding onto it. Yesterday
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  Speaker 3: I just had a conversation with one of our kids.
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  Speaker 3: She did something that was completely and artly inappropriate, and
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  Speaker 3: when I rang her, the very first thing that came
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  Speaker 3: out of her mouth is you're not going to get
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  Speaker 3: me in trouble for doing that, are you? And I said, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: actually I am. I am so mad about this. And
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  Speaker 3: the more she was just like, absolutely bewilleded that I
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  Speaker 3: would get upset at her about it, the angrier I got.
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  Speaker 3: By the time you got home, you were kind of like,
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  Speaker 3: what is going on?
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, and I was your ego got in the way.
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  Speaker 3: I'm really angry at what one of our kids just did.
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  Speaker 3: And I explained to you what happened, and you kind
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  Speaker 3: of looked at me and you said, are you going
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  Speaker 3: to give her the power to influence the rest of
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  Speaker 3: our night? I said, yeah, actually I am. I was
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  Speaker 3: really upset.
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  Speaker 4: And you did. For a few hours.
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  Speaker 3: I really did.
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  Speaker 2: I think.
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  Speaker 4: I also said, in.
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  Speaker 2: Ten years, is this incident going to matter at all.
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  Speaker 3: And I said yes, and I was going to be
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: angry in ten years because they've felt very big.
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  Speaker 2: So eventually you guys repaired that rupture as well, because
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  Speaker 2: that's what we do. So let's wrap this up. Our
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: time is done. If your kids are having a tantrum,
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: first off, just acknowledge that they feel lousy. Let them
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  Speaker 2: know you can see that, and you're really sorry that
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  Speaker 2: they're so upset about it. You don't have to get
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  Speaker 2: ego invested, you don't have to get emotionally invested.
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  Speaker 4: Just let them know that you can see that.
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  Speaker 2: And offer to be with them, or offer for them
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  Speaker 2: to have some space. If they do something wrong, don't
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  Speaker 2: worry about it. You can deal with it later.
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  Speaker 4: Fair, Fair, Then why are you.
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  Speaker 3: Looking at me.
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  Speaker 4: I'm just talking. I'm just sharing ideas.
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  Speaker 2: Then, when they come back, whether it's in five minutes
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  Speaker 2: or five hours or even five days, if they're big
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: kids and they've decided that they're going to go and
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: stay at a friend's house, when they come back, give
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: them a hug, let them know that you love them
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  Speaker 2: like crazy, tell them that you've missed them and you
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  Speaker 2: know they're having a hot time, and solve the problem together.
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  Speaker 2: What you're doing as you're teaching how to repair a rupture,
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  Speaker 2: you're teaching them that even though they are having a
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: bad time, that they're worthy, and you're teaching them that
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  Speaker 2: you're on their side. You can figure this stuff out
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: together and let them know that you love them no
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: matter what. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: Roland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: If you would like more information about making your family happier,
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: please visit our bookstore at Happy Families dot com dot
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: au or jump online to our Facebook page Doctor Justin
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: Coulson's Have You Families