Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #5: How to Help Your Unmotivated Adult Child Take Action, Find Purpose, and Build Confidence: The 5-Step Guide for Parents

Transcript

#5: How to Help Your Unmotivated Adult Child Take Action, Find Purpose, and Build Confidence: The 5-Step Guide for Parents · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Shari Jonas, and in this episode of Launch, I'll be addressing one of the most frustrating challenges that parents face when their young adult is still living at home and not making any progress with their life, despite having so much potential.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent wondering what you can possibly do to encourage your adult child to become more responsible, more disciplined, more driven, and most importantly, more interested in finding something that lights them up, this episode is for you.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: As long as your adult child is not suffering from a debilitating depression, I'll be giving you insights as well as five actionable steps that will answer the question: how can I motivate my adult child to move forward with their life?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's something as simple as tidying their room to removing their dishes from their bedroom, to even bigger, like becoming inspired to find something purposeful to do with their life, the struggle is always the same.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: No matter how many times you ask, suggest, bring up, or even hint, they ignore you, refuse to do it, or they start and then give up, leaving you feeling frustrated, tired of repeating yourself and exhausted from the constant conflict.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's no wonder that you've reached a point where you're simply fed up with the never-ending battles and feeling as if you're just about ready to toss in the towel, or worse, toss them out.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, the question, what can I do that I haven't already tried, is probably keeping you up at night.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: But if you understand the why, why are they not motivated?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: The explanation might just solve all your problems.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: As with every episode, I will offer you suggestions that you can take.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: But before we get into that, it's important to understand what motivation is.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I want to get straight to the heart of the matter because even though humans can be often so complicated, when you understand motivation, we're actually quite simple.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: So here's a very straightforward definition.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Motivation is the force that drives every behavior.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: That force is either internal, as in self-motivated, or external, such as social influences.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if you are hungry, you'll get up and eat food.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you desire money, you'll go to work.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you're interested in meeting someone, you'll get on a dating app.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to be healthy and look fit, you'll eat well and exercise and so on.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: In the most simplistic terms, motivation is what makes you want to be, do, or have something in your life.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Therefore, if you want nothing or need nothing, you will never do anything.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: So at this point, I want you to think about two questions.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: What are your child's needs and wants, and who is taking care of them?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because if all of their needs are being met and their wants are being provided for, then how can you ever expect them to become motivated?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: I want to say that again.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: If all of their needs are being met and their wants are being provided for, then how can you ever expect them to become motivated?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to get a little more detailed in this explanation here because I think it's really important.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most famous and influential theories in the field of motivation is called The Hierarchy of Needs by Abraham Maslow.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine a pyramid with five different tiers, each one representing a series of needs or desires that motivate us.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: At the very bottom, there's our basic physiological needs, the ones that keep us alive, like air, food, water, and sleep.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And these are really non-negotiable.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Until they are met, we can't think about anything else.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: But once we get those covered, we step up to the next level where we focus on safety and security, like having a place to live, having a job, having resources, and managing our health.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Once those are in place, we climb up to the next level of love and belonging, which is the need for connection, and we seek out relationships, friendships, and community.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: One tier up the pyramid, we come to self-esteem, where we seek respect, recognition, achievement, and confidence, which comes from achieving goals.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is where we start to feel good about who we are and what we can do.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, at the top, is self-actualization, a term you might have heard about.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's the desire we have to reach our full potential.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: This is where we start thinking about our purpose in life, becoming the best versions of ourself and doing what truly fulfills us.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: According to Maslow, we have to satisfy each level first before we move up to the next.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if the lower level needs aren't met, we can't even focus on higher ones.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if you ask a homeless person what their purpose in life is, they'll tell you to find food and shelter.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: They can't even think about their purpose if their basic needs of hunger and shelter are not even being met.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Makes sense, right?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: You feel free to Google this well-researched pyramid explanation to see each level for yourself.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I ask you again, how can you expect your adult child to become motivated to move up the pyramid if you are continually providing for their lower level needs?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: The answer is simple.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: You can't.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: As long as their needs are being met by you or anyone, they will have zero motivation.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the why.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't they want to do anything?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because you are probably doing most of it for them.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is the part that makes it very difficult for parents.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: How to stop.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because you want to feed your child.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: You want them to have a roof over the head.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: What are you supposed to do?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Kick them out, let them starve?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously not.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: But you're going to have to gradually shift those basic responsibilities over to them.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you can slowly stop satisfying all of their basic needs, you will motivate them to do it on their own because they can.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And over time, level by level, they will not only start accomplishing what they need to do, but they will experience the satisfaction that comes from doing these things themselves.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: That is why we say competence breeds confidence.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: The more they learn how to do things for themselves, the better they will feel.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: So the next time you say to yourself, How come my adult child is not motivated and what can I do?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: The answer is stop doing it for them.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not cold turkey, gradually but steadily.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, before you make any changes to their lifestyle, you have got to talk to them about it, to prepare them for this shift in responsibilities, calmly reminding them that they are adults and are very capable of doing what you have been doing for them up until now.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: So before you push back or go into panic mode, let's talk strategy.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Here are the five steps that you can take to set the wheels in motion.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: The first is what I call the responsibility ladder.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: This is when you gradually increase their responsibilities, starting with their own personal chores, and then you move on to household chores.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Take them grocery shopping so they understand what's involved in meal preparation.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: There's also laundry, vacuuming, emptying the dishwasher.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: You realize that by doing these things, you're also teaching them basic skills.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: This responsibility ladder is the very first task on your to-do list.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: The sooner you start allocating responsibilities to them, the sooner they will start behaving and feeling like an adult.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: This also includes financial responsibilities, too.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: So if they are working, you might consider having them contribute a portion to the rent.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: You don't actually have to use their money or keep their money.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Many parents secretly start a savings account and give it back to them when they move out.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Here's another one.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Who's paying for their cell phone bill?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: We know, we know that your young adult will never let their phone bill get cut off.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And don't use the family plan as an excuse.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: They need to have their phone bill in their own name.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: They need to be responsible for paying for it.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: The second step is called the game plan.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is where you set your expectations and consequences.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is a list of what you expect from them in the house, not just what they have to do, but even how they must behave.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like curfews, for example.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: This list is something that you need to put on paper.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can tell them a hundred times what you expect, but until you write it down and stick it on the bathroom mirror where they can't miss it, they will probably keep ignoring you.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: This game plan is next level adulting.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's knowing what is expected of you and then understanding what the consequences are if you don't follow through.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: For example, in the real world, if you don't do your job, you'll be fired.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, research shows that when young adults have clear roles and expectations, they are more likely to become independent, which is our ultimate goal.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in this episode, I won't be getting into suggesting what your consequences should be if they fail to meet your expectations.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: There are many options for you if they don't do this or that.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: It could be anything from not allowing them to use the car to the extreme measure of asking them to move out, which no parent wants to do.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: So let's move on to number three, which is what I call the ripple effect.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is when you let go and allow them to experience the consequences of their actions or inactions.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: If they don't do what they need to do or what is expected of them, you have to let it play out.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: I know of parents who got so tired of telling their adult child to bring their dishes out of their room, thus leaving the rest of the family with barely any clean dishes, that they went to the dollar store, bought one of everything, and said, These are yours.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: And when you don't clean them, you cannot use ours.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's a very basic example of letting them experience the consequences of their own actions.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: And believe me, they won't suffer for very long when you start letting them experience this ripple effect.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: They will, however, start taking ownership of their responsibilities.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: The fourth step is what I call celebrating the milestone moments.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is where you acknowledge their progress.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a big part of motivation, is the win.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's the feeling of accomplishing a goal or even completing a task.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: The problem with young adults who are not doing anything is that they never get to feel that sense of accomplishment.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: But if you let them, they will.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Motivation is built on feeling good about our achievements or receiving some reward.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Again, how you choose to celebrate their milestones is entirely up to you.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: But my point is to acknowledge their progress.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's finding a job, joining an organization, completing an educational program, celebrate their wins.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: And for the final step in this strategy, I call it the blueprint.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is where you spend time with your adult child setting realistic and achievable goals.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that motivation means working towards something that they need or want.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: So use Maslow's hierarchy of needs as your guide.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: But when you write out the goals with them, I'm going to give you a trick so that they are attainable.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Break down their goals into smaller tasks.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if their plan is to get a job, they would find it much more manageable if the tasks were write out my resume, apply to a minimum of five jobs a day, set up one interview per week, and so on.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: You see, when the goal is too lofty, they become overwhelmed and literally paralyzed with fear, and then they just sit around getting nothing done.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Research has shown that clear, specific goals not only improves motivation, but it increases the likelihood of success.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: All they need to do is complete one small task at a time.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Baby steps.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Here's another example.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of making the goal clean your room every day, write this instead.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Put your dirty laundry in the hamper, fold your clean clothes, make your bed.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: We're just breaking them down, these tasks, into manageable bite-sized responsibilities.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: There's so much more on this topic, parents, but for now I'm hoping that you have a better idea of how to go about motivating your adult child.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: I understand that these are challenging times for young adults.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: But being a supportive parent doesn't mean doing everything for them, making their lives easy, and hoping that somehow they'll figure it all out on their own.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think you know by now that's not the solution.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you do too much and you don't let them do what they are capable of, you are actually enabling them to feel inadequate and diminishing their motivation.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that's not your intention.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you want your young adult to feel competent and capable so that they become independent, responsible, productive adults who live in a world where they feel good about themselves, begin with these five steps and watch them thrive.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.