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How Did I Accept My Diagnosis Of Narcissistic Personality Disorder? · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  Are y'all, how did I accept that I was an evil, horrible
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  narcissist? That's what we talked about
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  today, y'all. We're hopping right into the
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  topic of how I accepted my diagnosis of narcissistic
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  personality disorder. A lot of people ask me this
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  question because I built my platform on having NPD and being
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  able to share openly my journey. Being able to talk to people
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  about my journey and what I went through and how I've gotten to
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  this point right here. Of being able to verbalize my
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  thoughts, get be be more in control of my own emotions and
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  my own behaviors and things like that.
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  And to navigate the complexities of having a marriage and three
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  kids and trying to build a life and all this other stuff.
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  Y'all, we will hop right into that today.
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  No intro, no intro, none right into it.
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  But yeah, y'all except. So for me, ever since I was 8
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  years old, eight, I've always known that I was different.
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  They, they literally ever since I was about 8-9 years old, I've
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  always known that I was different.
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  I always knew my, that my emotions did not click like
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  everybody else's, that I didn't feel about people the way that
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  most people felt. But Lee, how would you know
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  something like that at 8 or 9 years old?
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  Because I have a twin brother that I'd see, I would see and
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  observe him and I was like, I don't feel that way.
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  I don't act that way. I'm not doing what he does.
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  So I feel like I, I felt like an outlier because I had, I had a
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  prime example of what people were supposed to do.
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  My cousins, my brother, my family members.
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  I just didn't act like them or feel like them.
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  So that's how my mind did. My mind didn't work the same
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  way. I already knew that from a very,
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  very young age, right. And no, my brother is not a
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  narcissist. My twin brother is my fraternal
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  twin brother. He is not a narcissist.
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  Down it out. That's out the way.
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  He's a teacher in Charlotte. Love him.
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  He's doing good for himself. But yes, so for from that age
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  on, from that time I was 8-9 years old, I've always known
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  that I was different. So as I got older, 17/18/1920
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  years old and I started getting my first girlfriends and things
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  like that, I wanted to fit in really badly because I still
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  felt different. No matter what size crowd I was
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  in, no matter what the size of no matter what crowd I was in, I
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  always felt like I was different.
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  No matter what I did, no matter what I said, no matter how I
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  went about doing things, I always felt out of place.
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  I just felt like I didn't fit in.
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  I like, this is not me. I don't fit in.
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  This is not how people think. This is not how people act or
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  talk or whatever the case may be.
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  So I never thought I was doing OK, right.
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  So I started reading a lot of books.
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  I started doing a lot of personal development.
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  I've been started reading Tony Robbins book and listening like
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  the audio books and saying like that, reading books like rich
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  Dad, poor dad. Because I, I was in my mind, I
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  was like, if I can work on my financial health, I'll feel
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  better. I feel more fulfilled.
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  I will feel like a human. I will feel like a real person,
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  like a real boy, like a little narcissistic Pinocchio.
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  I feel like little narcissist Pinocchio.
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  I'm a real boy, right? But as time went on, that still
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  didn't work. I got girl look.
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  I got serious girlfriends. I had a son when I was 22 years
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  old. I still didn't feel like a
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  person. I was doing everything I could
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  to fit into society because I felt like an alien.
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  But I was still like, I knew that my emotions didn't click.
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  I knew that I was disconnected. I knew I had some depression.
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  I knew I was anxious, as anxious as hell.
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  I had anxiety. I was super paranoid.
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  I had all this stuff going on, but I didn't know what the hell
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  it was. I was just like, I know
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  something is wrong with me, but nobody else did.
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  Nobody else knew that anything was wrong with me because I was
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  good at masking. I was good at fitting in.
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  I was good at pretending that I was who I wasn't right.
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  I was very good at that. Even to this day, now that I'm
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  40 years old, I'm about to be 40 years old in a couple weeks.
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  Even to this day, people that grew up with me that would not
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  tell you that he was a narcissist.
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  He was little. They did not know.
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  I've done interviews with them before.
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  They did not know that I was a narcissist until I actually came
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  out public with it. Right?
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  So when I got married, I end up getting married.
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  Well my 10 year anniversary is tomorrow.
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  My 10 year anniversary is tomorrow.
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  But after I got married, it would not my wife marriage is
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  going the same way. Love bomb.
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  You know, I felt I was madly in love for my wife when I first
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  met her, love bombed her. And then one day she told me
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  something about her past. I just fell out of love with.
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  I didn't look at her the same way.
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  But I was at this time I was like 2425 years old.
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  So I'm like super frustrated with my life.
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  I'm like, I'm super frustrated. I'm like I need, I want to keep
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  this girl around. She's good.
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  I'm going to keep her around. So even though my mind has
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  switched off like my previous relationships, the love bombing
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  stopped. I still wanted to keep her
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  around, but I struggled. The relationship was struggled.
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  I didn't look at her the same. I treated her differently very
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  badly. We still ended up getting
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  married, still ended up having a son right.
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  So at the time, and most of y'all know this part right here
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  at the time when my son was about four or five, maybe six
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  months old, my, my oldest, like one of my friends, his son had
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  passed away and I was struggling with my, the meaning of my own
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  life. I was literally struggling with
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  the meaning of my own life. What the hell is going on?
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  How did I get here? What's going to happen?
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  What am I going to do? All this stuff is going on in my
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  life, right? So as after all that had went
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  down, like I start like I felt like I hadn't achieved enough in
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  my own life. I feel like my own life, I had
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  not achieved enough. I was falling behind.
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  I was like overweight, no money, no, like they hadn't graduated
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  from college. I was not where I wanted to be.
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  Like imagine being so entitled in your life and not having what
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  you want. So I had to find somebody to
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  blame. And guess who I blamed?
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  My my wife, my kids. So I'm yelling at my 5-6 month
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  old son about how he's holding me back because he won't stop
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  crying because my wife had left and she went to the store or
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  whatever. She definitely still can't
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  remember what she did. I need to ask her but then she
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  come back I'm yelling at my my kid, which I'm not proud of you.
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  I don't people going to look at this like you were yelling at a
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  kid. Lee, you're an evil person.
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  You wouldn't have known that if I wouldn't have said that.
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  So I'm not ashamed. I'm not I'm not I'm not proud of
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  it. I'm ashamed of it.
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  I'm embarrassed That's why I'm telling y'all now.
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  So if y'all doing that type of stuff don't do it.
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  It's evil it's bad. So my wife comes home me and her
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  arguing I'm blaming her for what I'm in life.
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  She calls me a narcissist and she says it's so damn hard
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  living with a narcissist. Who?
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  A me. I'm a narcissist.
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  You a narcissist Because that word to me at that time and in
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  2017, that word to me only meant cocky conceited.
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  I was like, well, I'm no, I'm handsome.
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  I can't help being handsome. I don't know what, what, what do
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  you want me to do? I'm handsome.
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  I can't help Hilah. Of course I called her a
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  narcissist because she wears makeup and she takes forever to
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  get ready. I'm ready in 5 minutes, right?
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  So she leaves. I hop on the bed angry.
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  I get on Google. I googled the word narcissist.
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  Google says did you mean narcissistic personality
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  disorder? I'm like what's that?
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  So I click on it and guess what it says all the signs, the
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  traits, the symptoms, all of that stuff popped up.
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  So I'm reading it the signs, traits and symptoms and guess
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  what? The top the the questions I had
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  been asking myself on why I felt different since I was eight or
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  nine years old. The answers were provided to me
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  from the diagnostic criteria of narcissistic personality
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  disorder. So having a personality disorder
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  is not what I wanted, right? But seeing the diagnostic
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  criteria or the traits listed online for me, they gave me
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  clarity. I was like damn This is why I do
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  what I do This is why I feel differently.
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  This makes so much sense to me. I have a personality disorder
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  and this is before getting diagnosed.
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  This is this is pre diagnosis. I knew I had a personality when
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  I read it. I knew it and it, I felt so
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  clear at that moment. I literally felt so clear at
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  that moment in time. I was like, this is crazy as
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  hell that I actually have the answers that I've been looking
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  for since I was eight or nine years old.
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  I am so proud. I was like, wow, I remember
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  texting my wife. I was like, I am a narcissist,
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  literally. I literally am a narcissist.
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  And she was like, yeah, she was like, yeah, I'm going to work on
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  it though. And then the fact that I've been
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  working on it since that day has I've been real with it.
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  Then I end up going, I joined some self award narcissist
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  Facebook groups. Some of those groups are still
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  good, Some of them not so good, right?
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  But I joined some of those groups and there's other people
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  in there that talk like me. They are having the same, same
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  problems that I had. I'm like, Dang, it's not just
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  me. Could you look up the, you look
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  up the stats, it says 1% or less than 1% of population has this
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  personality. That is what I'm like.
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  So it's not just me. Wow.
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  I have clarity. I have the clarity that I've
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  been seeking for a long time now.
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  So I did end up going to therapy.
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  I did end up getting diagnosed with narcissistic personality
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  disorder and general anxiety disorder and clinical
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  depression. So I this the way I have been
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  feeling for a long time were all of this stuff was literally laid
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  out to me like in my like by getting diagnosed with it.
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  That's why like I was so much more willing to accept a
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  diagnosis than other people are. So many people run away from it,
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  right? So many people run away from
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  being diagnosed. So many people do that, right?
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  They really, really do. And that's why like I tell so
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  many people, they're like, I have been knowing something was
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  going on with me for my entire life.
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  So when I actually finally got the answers, even though it was
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  a personality disorder that is pretty much frowned upon, right?
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  And for good reason, most times, I was more willing to accept
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  that because I'm like, wow, at least I know I, at least I have
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  the answers to the questions I've been asking myself for
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  decades because I was 8-9 years old, right?
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  And then I got diagnosed in 2018, so 2018 diagnosis.
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  It was before my birthday, so let's say 20.
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  I was 32 years old when I got diagnosed.
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  So about 2324 years. 2020, yeah, 2324 years.
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  I've been asking myself these questions, doing reading all
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  these books, doing all this personal development, trying to
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  be better because I knew something was wrong with me.
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  I knew it. So when I read about the lack of
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  empathy, the lack the, the, the, the, the very, the difficulty of
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  building deep emotional connections, and I read all of
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  this stuff, even though it sucked to read that it sucks to
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  realize that something is wrong with you.
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  I understood that I had a mission now I was like, well, I
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  have this, but this does not have to define me.
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  So when so many people get online, So when I'm doing my one
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  on ones over zoom and yes, I do talk to other narcissists
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  online, right? So now I do, I talk to a lot of
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  survivors of narcissistic abuse. I help them through it, but I
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  also talk to other narcissists as well that are trying to get a
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  deeper understanding of who they are, what they have going on,
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  right? All of that can be found at
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  mentalillness.net, myname.net. But I tell them I was like,
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  look, it's not the end of the world having a diagnosis.
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  When I got online in 2017, I was reading all the bad stuff about
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  narcissist. I like, damn, I don't do all of
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  this stuff. So I'm not, I'm not evil.
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  I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy.
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  I'm a real boy and I'm a good boy, right?
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  So I had to set out to prove a point not only to myself, but to
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  other people that I just because I have a diagnosis of narcissism
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  does not mean I'm a bad person. Yes.
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  Do I post about it online? Yeah.
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  And do people try to invalidate my experience or my opinion on
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  certain issues because I because I have a personality disorder
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  all the time? You're a narcissist.
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  You would think this. Just because I'm a narcissist
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  doesn't mean I'm wrong all the time.
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  It doesn't mean I'm a bad person, right?
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  Have I done bad things? Have I been narcissistic?
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  Yes, Have been never been narcissistically abusive.
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  Absolutely yes. Have I been emotionally abusive?
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  Yeah, that's been me. But that's not that's not the
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  end of the world for me. That's not the end of my story
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  right there. And he was a narcissist.
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  The end. No, it doesn't have to be the
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  end of anybody's story. So that's why I made this video
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  right here to show you that just because you feel a certain type
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  of way, it doesn't mean that it has to be the end for you.
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  So if you're watching this video, you think you might be a
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  narcissist, you think you might have something going on, go talk
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  to a therapist. It can help you out.
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  I talked to people very recently that's like, well, if I get
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  diagnosed, my wife would be be able to use that against me.
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  I was like, I thought the same thing.
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  And the reason I thought that was because that's what I would
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  do. I use people stuff against them.
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  So I'm assuming that you're going to do the same thing that
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  I do that it goes right there anyway, Y'all, I accepted it
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  because it doesn't have the label.
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  Doesn't the label doesn't have to have carried a definition
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  with it, right? Narcissist doesn't have to be
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  bad guy. He's a bad guy.
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  No, I've had the pledge, I have the honor and I'm super grateful
• 13:13
  for you of helping millions of people.
• 13:15
  Literally across all my platforms, millions of people
• 13:18
  have watched my videos. Millions.
• 13:20
  I've talked to thousands of people.
• 13:22
  I'm a one-on-one coach in my zoom sessions.
• 13:24
  There's a bunch of people that have joined my support group.
• 13:26
  All of that a bunch of people have taken my courses and gave
• 13:29
  it five star reviews because I've learned so much through
• 13:31
  these one on ones and talking to other people that I literally
• 13:34
  have been able to help thousands of people.
• 13:36
  My coaching, my courses, my everything.
• 13:38
  Anyways, y'all y'all interested in taking all my courses?
• 13:40
  You can go to mentalillness.net into the code mothers, MOTHERS
• 13:45
  or fathers for 50% off mentalillness.net.
• 13:49
  Anyway y'all this video that ran on longer than I like them
• 13:52
  normally to go hit that subscribe button if you haven't
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  we're creep creeping closer to 500,000.
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  Click one of these videos on the screen.
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  Even YouTube thanks one of these videos they recommended it for
• 14:01
  you. YouTube said this video is for
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  you. So hit that subscribe button,
• 14:04
  watch another video, and I'm super thankful for you peace.