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One Coaching Call Changed My Life—No Joke · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:32
  Ben: Hello everyone.
• 0:33
  Ben: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:35
  Ben: Today we have a special guest.
• 0:38
  Ben: This is one of the young men that I've been working with, and I am super excited to bring him to you, to let him share his story Real quick, before we get into all of that, guys, it's summertime and if you are looking for something.
• 0:56
  Ben: For your teen to do during the summer.
• 0:59
  Ben: I do have a couple one-on-one coaching slots available.
• 1:02
  Ben: If you would like to reach out to me, you can email me at ben@benpughcoaching.com, or you can go to my website and go to benpughcoaching.com/mini and go get on my calendar, see if a time works, if either you or your teen, and I wanna remind you.
• 1:23
  Ben: About 75% of the time when parents are like, Hey, I want you to work with my teen.
• 1:30
  Ben: Somewhere in that conversation we realize, Hey, your teen doesn't want help, so mom or dad, the most powerful thing you can do is to be the change that you wanna be.
• 1:42
  Ben: So, this isn't one of those things where you can just be like, oh, Ben Pugh was gonna fix my teenager.
• 1:48
  Ben: Sometimes your teen isn't willing and you will need to be the change that you want to see, and I can help you facilitate that.
• 1:55
  Ben: And more often than not, when you start creating change, your teen will start to change.
• 2:02
  Ben: And oftentimes that's the avenue through which we get teenagers interested in coaching.
• 2:07
  Ben: So go sign up.
• 2:10
  Ben: If you guys are like, oh man, we gotta fix some things around here during summer.
• 2:14
  Ben: I'm the guy.
• 2:14
  Ben: I am happy to help you.
• 2:15
  Ben: I've helped tons of parents, tons of teens, and I'm happy to help you.
• 2:22
  Ben: Okay, so today let's get back to the podcast.
• 2:26
  Ben: We are talking to one of my clients, his name is Howie.
• 2:30
  Ben: He actually came home early from.
• 2:34
  Ben: A mission for the church of Jesus Christ to Latter-Day Saints.
• 2:38
  Ben: It's easier to say LDS, but we're not supposed to say that anymore.
• 2:41
  Ben: And those of you not in our same religion, like traditionally, when a young man comes home early, that's kind of a big deal and people are like, oh, and they don't really talk about it, and they get all weird and.
• 2:58
  Ben: I would like Howie to share his experience with you and kind of some of the breakthroughs.
• 3:02
  Ben: So Howie, go ahead and say hi to people and just let us know kind of what you were dealing with when you came home.
• 3:10
  Howie: Yeah, thanks Ben.
• 3:11
  Howie: I'll, I'll share my story about, about coming home.
• 3:15
  Howie: I'll start with, I'll start with being on the mission.
• 3:19
  Howie: Um, I, I had a pretty great life before, before the mission started.
• 3:25
  Howie: and I, I decided to start a mission.
• 3:27
  Howie: It's just kind of what, what was expected of me, what my friends did.
• 3:31
  Howie: Um, and I, I spent four months out there, and in those four months, I, I was living in Atlanta and I, I struggled out there.
• 3:43
  Howie: Um, I didn't, didn't really know why I was there, didn't know if I, if I wanted to be there, and, and I ended up coming home.
• 3:50
  Howie: Uh, at the, at the end of the four months and the transition home for me was, was quite hard.
• 3:56
  Howie: All of my friends were still on missions, and I had people asking me, at least for the first few weeks, every single day, why, like, why did I come home?
• 4:09
  Howie: And coming up with an excuse for the first few weeks was, oh, well it's anxiety and, and mental issues, which, which did contribute to it, but, Coming up with an excuse was, was a big thing for me.
• 4:21
  Howie: and with coming home, I, I knew I, I would need some, some help.
• 4:26
  Howie: And so I had a friend that worked with Ben and I ended up in one of Ben's free coaching calls.
• 4:36
  Howie: And in that just 30 minute call, he, he talked a lot about the victim and hero mindset, and also talked about.
• 4:47
  Howie: How coming home from a mission, I, I don't have to play the victim and I don't have to have an excuse.
• 4:54
  Howie: and I can truly just not want to be there.
• 4:57
  Howie: And that was, that was a really big breakthrough, that that first call with Ben was what I would say, I guess sold me on the course.
• 5:08
  Howie: and, and got me to wanna work with Ben and I.
• 5:13
  Howie: I was able to break through from feeling like a victim, feeling like I needed an excuse to come home from my mission into feeling like it was my choice and I can, I can make my own decisions and I can make hard decisions.
• 5:29
  Howie: And, even if, if that does make people, look at me in a different way, it.
• 5:37
  Howie: It really benefited me and it was a huge breakthrough in coming home.
• 5:41
  Howie: It, it really like changed my mindset and my life and, and it was, yeah, super big breakthrough to be able to work with Ben.
• 5:52
  Ben: Oh, awesome.
• 5:52
  Ben: I appreciate your kind words and I appreciate you being willing to do the work.
• 5:58
  Ben: So those of you listening, if you are a parent with.
• 6:04
  Ben: A teenager or a young adult, like a lot of missionaries, they're still teenagers, they're 18, they're 19.
• 6:10
  Ben: But if you're the parent of a teen or young adult who's come home early from their mission, you're gonna wanna listen to some of this.
• 6:18
  Ben: Or if you've like worried that man, they're not going to complete their mission, maybe they're not even gonna go on a mission.
• 6:26
  Ben: This is a conversation that can help you.
• 6:29
  Ben: Understand a different perspective and how to work with that in a way that empowers your teenager, but also empowers you as a parent.
• 6:41
  Ben: I want to talk about that breakthrough.
• 6:43
  Ben: I always get worried, like I can't tell you how many times we have a big breakthrough.
• 6:49
  Ben: On day one, like you haven't even paid me yet.
• 6:54
  Ben: It's a free consultation, like we're feeling each other out.
• 6:57
  Ben: I'm trying to decide like, do I like this kid?
• 7:00
  Ben: Am I going to be willing to work with him for three months?
• 7:03
  Ben: Does he like me?
• 7:03
  Ben: Is he gonna want to hang out?
• 7:06
  Ben: And sometimes I get worried when we have that breakthrough on day one because I'm like, oh great.
• 7:10
  Ben: Like now what are we gonna do the rest of the time?
• 7:13
  Ben: Fortunately, like I've got a few tricks up my sleeve, like we're able to talk about things within your control, things outside of your control values.
• 7:21
  Ben: We're able to talk about sales a lot to help you in your next venture, but I want you to look back on that breakthrough on day one.
• 7:33
  Ben: What was the feeling or your mental and emotional state coming into that call?
• 7:40
  Ben: And what was your feeling and that mental, emotional state going out of that call?
• 7:49
  Howie: I'll, I'll share a little kind of story about that to start.
• 7:53
  Howie: I, I remember, like right, so this is right after the call.
• 7:59
  Howie: I had gotten a message from one of my friends, I was in the MTC with him, and he like dmd me on Instagram.
• 8:05
  Howie: Obviously missionaries can't have Instagram, but, he dmd me and I was like, oh, he, he must be home.
• 8:10
  Howie: And he's from Utah, one of my really good friends in the mtc.
• 8:13
  Howie: And he's like, yo, he's like, he's like, I saw like you posted on Instagram, like are you're home?
• 8:18
  Howie: And then we like chatted.
• 8:20
  Howie: He's like, well, why are you home?
• 8:21
  Howie: And this is like right after the call.
• 8:24
  Howie: And I think.
• 8:26
  Howie: An hour ago before the call, I would've said, oh, yeah, it was like, it was mental health.
• 8:31
  Howie: I, I had to come home kind of trying to, to push it off of me.
• 8:36
  Howie: Yeah.
• 8:36
  Howie: And, and put it to external, external things.
• 8:40
  Howie: But what I said was, it was like, yeah, I decided to come home.
• 8:44
  Howie: It, it wasn't for me and.
• 8:46
  Howie: Then he messaged back saying the same.
• 8:49
  Howie: He, he said the same thing.
• 8:51
  Howie: He was like, yeah.
• 8:52
  Howie: Like, oh yeah.
• 8:53
  Howie: Saying like, it just, it just wasn't for me.
• 8:55
  Howie: Like, um, and now we're, we're in the same job.
• 8:58
  Howie: We're doing sales together.
• 8:59
  Howie: Awesome.
• 9:00
  Howie: but with my mindset going into that, that kind of explains it as like, I was, I was playing a victim, I had a victim mindset.
• 9:08
  Howie: I, I wanted to, to push the pressure off of me and say that, I.
• 9:14
  Howie: That it was external sources pushing me off of my mission.
• 9:18
  Howie: I had to come home.
• 9:20
  Howie: it just kind of ended up happening.
• 9:21
  Howie: It wasn't like I wanted to, but, in reality when I, when I looked into it, and even just through that first coaching call with Ben, realizing that if I shift my mindset and, and look at what really happened and realize, oh, I, I didn't wanna be there, that's what.
• 9:40
  Howie: May have caused the anxiety, may have caused the, the feelings of depression out there.
• 9:45
  Howie: and it was because I didn't feel like I, I belonged or didn't feel like I wanted to be out there.
• 9:51
  Howie: that, that mindset shift really, really helped me to be able to, to explain that to people and to feel better about it myself.
• 9:59
  Ben: Yeah.
• 10:01
  Ben: One of the things that I teach.
• 10:03
  Ben: And so it's primarily parents that listen to this podcast.
• 10:07
  Ben: I do have a few teen clients that are like, oh man, my parents make me listen to your podcast all the time.
• 10:12
  Ben: Parents stop doing that.
• 10:13
  Ben: Your teens don't want to hear all this.
• 10:15
  Ben: But so usually it's parents listening to this, and one of the things that I teach parents all the time is the concept of really coming up with your identity.
• 10:26
  Ben: Knowing who you want to be and then practicing being that version of yourself.
• 10:33
  Ben: And it's very similar, like we talked about a lot of this, I teach about like the 10 word vision statement, having an identity and using the wheel of life to practice that identity.
• 10:46
  Ben: One of the things I hear all the time as a parent will say something like, man, I came up with my.
• 10:52
  Ben: 10 word vision statement.
• 10:53
  Ben: I could see the version of the parent that I wanted to be.
• 10:58
  Ben: I've been practicing that at the top of the wheel and it felt great, and then I got into the thick of it.
• 11:05
  Ben: I'm at the bottom of the wheel of life and I realized that's not who I want to be.
• 11:09
  Ben: I need to like make an adjustment.
• 11:12
  Ben: I need to slightly change my identity and practice this new, better understood version.
• 11:19
  Ben: I think that happens with.
• 11:21
  Ben: People more than we like to allow for.
• 11:24
  Ben: Like I'm sure you were excited to go on a mission.
• 11:30
  Ben: If you were like me, you probably had some reservations like, man, am I gonna like it?
• 11:35
  Ben: Like, how's it gonna be?
• 11:36
  Ben: But still you're like, I'm gonna be a missionary.
• 11:39
  Ben: I'm excited.
• 11:41
  Ben: I feel bad that oftentimes.
• 11:44
  Ben: We don't allow people to experiment with who they want to be and go through the trial and error process to realize that, oh, that's not who I want to be.
• 11:57
  Ben: This is who I want to be, and kind of make some adaptations.
• 12:01
  Ben: And I have a personal experience with that that I just experienced in my own life.
• 12:06
  Ben: I coached a young man in football for a lot of years and just.
• 12:12
  Ben: Last year he decided to quit playing football and he's kind of in the victim mentality, like he is coming up with excuses like, oh, I hated the coach.
• 12:24
  Ben: He used to swear at me, call me bad words.
• 12:26
  Ben: I couldn't stand the coach.
• 12:28
  Ben: And so that was his excuse for quitting football.
• 12:32
  Ben: It's this external thing.
• 12:34
  Ben: Well, I just talked to him yesterday.
• 12:36
  Ben: He's.
• 12:37
  Ben: Working as a lifeguard at the local pool, and I'm like, Hey bro, I'd love for you to come play football, and all the excuses that he gave me, all the external things like the coach, the foul language, the culture.
• 12:49
  Ben: I didn't like any of that.
• 12:50
  Ben: I'm like, that has all changed, dude.
• 12:53
  Ben: Like this new coach doesn't swear at the kids like we have.
• 12:58
  Ben: 60 some odd people coming out.
• 13:00
  Ben: We only had 40 last year.
• 13:02
  Ben: Like people are loving it.
• 13:03
  Ben: People love the new coach.
• 13:04
  Ben: Every single one of his external excuses or reasons for not playing, I'm like, dude, that's gone.
• 13:11
  Ben: That's gone.
• 13:12
  Ben: That's gone.
• 13:13
  Ben: When you can remove the external things, and if you're still making excuses, it's not any of the external things, it's you.
• 13:22
  Ben: And just in our brief conversation, there's a point where he's like, you know what?
• 13:28
  Ben: I used to, all I wanted to do was be a football player.
• 13:31
  Ben: My parents loved football.
• 13:33
  Ben: My older siblings played football.
• 13:36
  Ben: After that one year off, he's like, I got into tennis.
• 13:40
  Ben: I love tennis.
• 13:41
  Ben: I don't want to be a football player.
• 13:43
  Ben: And just to see that he had upgraded his identity, like I used to want to do this.
• 13:49
  Ben: This used to be me, but.
• 13:52
  Ben: After doing it, or for him specifically, like that year off, help me see that.
• 13:56
  Ben: No, this is who I wanna be.
• 13:58
  Ben: Like I told him, I'm like, dude, I would love to have you come play, but it sounds like you've found yourself going in a different direction and you like it, bro, I'm happy to support you.
• 14:08
  Ben: Like if that's who you want to be, I'm not gonna pressure you to come back to football.
• 14:13
  Ben: You be you.
• 14:14
  Ben: And I feel like we need to have that same grace for missionaries.
• 14:19
  Ben: Like of course they want to go out there.
• 14:21
  Ben: I.
• 14:22
  Ben: If you're in the church, people don't like it when I say this, but come on guys.
• 14:25
  Ben: We have brainwashed children to be like, no, you wanna go on a mission, you want like, we're gonna sing all these songs and we need to allow for the ones that get out there.
• 14:34
  Ben: And they're like, this is not what I thought it was.
• 14:37
  Ben: I don't wanna be here to be okay with that.
• 14:41
  Ben: And I feel like when you first came home, like I remember you saying at one point, like.
• 14:49
  Ben: Something like, what are other people thinking about me?
• 14:53
  Ben: Or they're going to judge me.
• 14:54
  Ben: Do you remember Something along those lines?
• 14:57
  Howie: Yeah, for sure.
• 14:58
  Howie: Yeah.
• 14:59
  Ben: Yeah.
• 14:59
  Ben: And I, if I told you what I tell everyone else, I would've told you, dude, everybody judges.
• 15:05
  Ben: I.
• 15:06
  Ben: You're gonna be judged for staying on the mission.
• 15:08
  Ben: You're gonna be judged for coming home from the mission.
• 15:11
  Ben: You're gonna bring home a girl someday, and people are gonna judge like, oh, well what kind of girl is that?
• 15:16
  Ben: Like?
• 15:16
  Ben: People just judge and it's not your job to manage their thoughts, their feelings, their actions.
• 15:23
  Ben: Take all that energy and you were wasting a lot of energy on other people.
• 15:27
  Ben: Bring that back and manage your own model.
• 15:32
  Ben: So, let me, let's shift slightly.
• 15:37
  Ben: When you were able to make that shift from the victim mentality to the hero mentality, how did that impact other areas of your life?
• 15:47
  Howie: Oh, I, I feel like I, I ended up thinking about it in almost all the areas of my life.
• 15:54
  Howie: Because I do feel like that breakthrough happened in the first, the free call and like the first call.
• 16:01
  Howie: and so through continuing to talk about like the victim mentality and the, the hero mindset, it really affected, like every other aspect of my life and everything I did.
• 16:13
  Howie: And I realized how easy it is for us to play the victim mentality.
• 16:17
  Howie: Yeah.
• 16:18
  Howie: Um, yeah.
• 16:19
  Ben: Even more than just easy, like it's the social norm.
• 16:26
  Ben: It's encouraged, like I never told you this, but I have a son who like, he is a basketball player but used to play football just'cause he's really good at it.
• 16:38
  Ben: And anyways, he decided to be done with football.
• 16:43
  Ben: And just some of the decisions that he is making in his life.
• 16:46
  Ben: I'm like, dude, why are you doing this?
• 16:48
  Ben: Tell me why.
• 16:49
  Ben: I'm like encouraging him to make an excuse and to position himself as the victim mentality, like.
• 16:57
  Ben: I'm telling him, no, you not wanting to is not good enough.
• 17:00
  Ben: Come up with a better reason.
• 17:02
  Ben: And that's so disempowering.
• 17:04
  Ben: Like when I saw that, so coaching, you helped me be a better dad.
• 17:08
  Ben: 'cause I was like, oh, why am I inviting him into the victim mindset?
• 17:13
  Ben: Like, no, that's good enough to be like, no, I don't want to, this is my choice.
• 17:17
  Ben: Here I am and dad can be upset.
• 17:21
  Ben: Not my problem.
• 17:21
  Ben: I don't need to worry about that.
• 17:23
  Ben: I'm gonna be true to me.
• 17:25
  Ben: How do you apply that to your job in sales?
• 17:30
  Howie: Oh, that's a great question.
• 17:32
  Howie: I think even just in the, like the last few weeks, going through some ups and downs with the, the amount of sales that I'm making, instead of blaming that on, on the people I'm talking to.
• 17:47
  Howie: And getting home at night and telling, telling my friends that all, all the people I talked to today are, were horrible.
• 17:53
  Howie: They all were shutting the door in my face.
• 17:54
  Howie: I, it, it was them.
• 17:56
  Howie: I, I just, they didn't wanna talk to me.
• 17:58
  Howie: But shifting that to a hero mindset, which is actually more of finding what you can change and, and changing your mindset to being, well, what can I work harder on?
• 18:10
  Howie: what could I have done better today?
• 18:12
  Howie: Because you can't control the people on the doors, and so it's something that I'm applying still every single day.
• 18:18
  Ben: Yeah, it's funny with doors like I've experienced knocking doors.
• 18:23
  Ben: For me, I kinda get to a point where I know what my sweet spot is.
• 18:27
  Ben: Like if I knock this many doors, I'm gonna get this many phone calls, this many appointments back and.
• 18:39
  Ben: Like when I see that, like it's not an exact science, but like for me, like 20 ish doors, I can usually get four or five phone numbers, a couple power bills for selling solar and maybe one return appointment, Hey, that's good for me.
• 18:54
  Ben: So I just go out and knock 20 doors.
• 18:57
  Ben: If I knock 20 doors and my numbers aren't quite what they're, what I would like them to be, I'm like, dude, I.
• 19:05
  Ben: I already hit all the bad ones.
• 19:06
  Ben: If I just knock a few more, they're going to fill in the numbers and it's gonna be great.
• 19:10
  Ben: And it kind of changes my perspective.
• 19:13
  Ben: I see what I can control, like I can go knock five more doors.
• 19:19
  Ben: And in the moment that looks like it's within my control, like this literally happened the other day.
• 19:25
  Ben: I was like, oh, I'll just go knock a few more doors and.
• 19:28
  Ben: The very first door that I knocked, the people were like, yeah, come on back.
• 19:33
  Ben: Come.
• 19:33
  Ben: We've been thinking about solar for 20 years.
• 19:36
  Ben: Like, come teach us more.
• 19:37
  Ben: And I was like, dang.
• 19:39
  Ben: I was almost to give up, but I shifted my mindset focused on what can I do?
• 19:46
  Ben: And then that's when my results were like, oh yeah, here's what you wanted.
• 19:50
  Ben: let's talk about some of the other things like.
• 19:56
  Ben: You had a big breakthrough day one.
• 19:58
  Ben: What are some of the other teachings that were beneficial over our three months together?
• 20:06
  Howie: I think probably one of the biggest ones would've been the Wheel of life.
• 20:11
  Howie: talking about how life is in a straight line, but it's a wheel.
• 20:15
  Howie: and how sometimes you're, you have to, to ride the highs and the lows.
• 20:21
  Howie: Yeah.
• 20:21
  Howie: in the job that I'm in right now in sales, it's like super, it's super common to see a lot of highs and a lot of lows throughout, every day, throughout the weeks, throughout months.
• 20:32
  Howie: Like it's, it's super common to see that.
• 20:35
  Howie: And so I think that's probably the biggest thing that I still apply every single day.
• 20:40
  Howie: and I have to, and I have to remind myself of, and it's.
• 20:43
  Howie: It's probably the most important thing or one of them that I've learned in the whole three months is, and being able to apply that every single day.
• 20:52
  Ben: Talk to us about how it applies to you.
• 20:53
  Ben: Like, give us some specifics.
• 20:56
  Ben: When do you find yourself on the top of the wheel?
• 20:58
  Ben: When do you find yourself on the bottom?
• 21:01
  Howie: Yeah.
• 21:02
  Howie: I try and not relate the wheel of life to how many sales I'm making.
• 21:06
  Howie: sometimes it correlates, because.
• 21:10
  Howie: Nat naturally, when I make a lot of sales, I feel a lot better.
• 21:14
  Ben: Yeah.
• 21:14
  Howie: but I try and relate it to more how I'm feeling on the doors.
• 21:19
  Howie: how, how good I'm, I'm doing, how good I'm talking to people.
• 21:23
  Howie: and a lot of the time I, I'll go through moments where I'm, I just think like, oh, I, I can't talk to people.
• 21:29
  Howie: Like, this is hard.
• 21:31
  Howie: And I think at least every single day I.
• 21:34
  Howie: I'll take a a May five, may 10 minute break and sit and just think like, and I have to go back through thinking about the wheel of life.
• 21:42
  Howie: Think about, okay, well this is just a bottom moment of today.
• 21:45
  Howie: I'm going through the bottom, but it's gonna go back to the top and I just need to to live at the bottom for a bit for it to make it back to the top.
• 21:54
  Howie: And so I sit for a second and usually as I sit and I feel my emotions and my feelings every single day when I take a break.
• 22:03
  Howie: The, the wheel starts to make its way back to the top.
• 22:06
  Howie: And, um, I, I find myself on top of the world at, at another point of probably every single day.
• 22:13
  Ben: Yeah.
• 22:14
  Ben: That's awesome.
• 22:15
  Ben: So those of you listening, if you've listened for a while, you've heard me talk about the Wheel of Life, if you're new.
• 22:21
  Ben: The wheel of Life is this concept that like in the US and probably Canada too, we think about time as like this linear line, like my life started here.
• 22:33
  Ben: It's going in a straight line over here.
• 22:35
  Ben: The way I teach it is that life is more like a wheel.
• 22:39
  Ben: It's constantly turning, sometimes around the top.
• 22:41
  Ben: Sometimes you're on the bottom.
• 22:43
  Ben: Um, there's other reasons why I use a wheel.
• 22:47
  Ben: I believe that life is a little bit more cyclical and we can see the patterns.
• 22:52
  Ben: Like we can see how each year is cyclical.
• 22:56
  Ben: Like, oh, it's winter time now.
• 22:59
  Ben: Oh, it's spring.
• 23:00
  Ben: Oh, it's summer.
• 23:00
  Ben: Oh, it's fall.
• 23:02
  Ben: Oh, it's winter time again.
• 23:03
  Ben: Like we go through these patterns and the reason I like the wheel is I found you're going to bump into.
• 23:12
  Ben: Lessons in life over and over and over until you learn that lesson.
• 23:17
  Ben: And then once you learn it, you're gonna bump into the next level and the next level anyway.
• 23:23
  Ben: So the wheel of life at the top of the wheel life is going great at the bottom of the wheel.
• 23:27
  Ben: That's when life is hard.
• 23:28
  Ben: It sucks.
• 23:30
  Ben: I teach this, so I coach high school football.
• 23:32
  Ben: I teach this to my football players and we've identified one of the top of the wheel moments is at football practice when we're running plays against air, like we're at the top of the wheel, we should be able to execute perfectly.
• 23:45
  Ben: There's nothing trying to stop us.
• 23:47
  Ben: A bottom of the wheel is when we're playing against a team that's bigger, faster, stronger, better than us, and.
• 23:55
  Ben: We identify the top of the wheel, that's when we want to practice being the type of football players that we wanna be.
• 24:01
  Ben: We want to execute, we want to have high intensity.
• 24:04
  Ben: We wanna like just do all the things and we practice that to prepare us for the bottom of the wheel.
• 24:11
  Ben: And so if you're going in life, like for you, it's in sales.
• 24:14
  Ben: For one of the parents listening, it might be like.
• 24:17
  Ben: Hey, a top of the wheel moment is my teen's actually talking to me.
• 24:21
  Ben: I was sitting on the couch and my teen plopped down next to me, and we're just talking and enjoying each other.
• 24:26
  Ben: That's an awesome top of the wheel moment for you to practice being the exact version of you as a parent that you want to be, and you can start getting some of those top of the wheel moment reps into your life, and then the next time.
• 24:43
  Ben: Your teen is a complete butthead and they're like calling you names, refusing to unload and load the dishwasher.
• 24:49
  Ben: Whatever your teen does, you can remember, oh, I've practiced being patient, kind, firm, caring, whatever it is in those top of the wheel moments, and now I can apply that in the bottom of the wheel.
• 25:03
  Ben: And I think most parents, actually, I would say most people never.
• 25:10
  Ben: Take the time to identify who they want to be and they never take the time to practice being that, to help them better show up in bottom of the wheel moments.
• 25:20
  Ben: And so for you on sales Howie, like when I would, it's okay to look at like your sales and numbers as top of the wheel.
• 25:28
  Ben: Like, man, when I have a bunch of, like, when I make a lot of money, I just feel giddy inside.
• 25:33
  Ben: I'm like, yes, I love this.
• 25:36
  Ben: That's a powerful moment to stop and be like, wait, who do I want to be?
• 25:40
  Ben: I wanna be grateful because gratitude for me in sales, when I'm on the top of the wheel, I forget about gratitude completely.
• 25:49
  Ben: Like I'm just super excited, like, man, what am I gonna buy next?
• 25:53
  Ben: If I can get into gratitude that's more in line with who I want to be, and then when I'm on the bottom of the wheel, if I can get into gratitude for where I am, I realize, you know what?
• 26:06
  Ben: Even if I'm not making the sales that I want right now, I.
• 26:10
  Ben: Man, I'm sure glad I can walk.
• 26:12
  Ben: I'm sure glad, like the other day was unseasonably cool and just super pretty here in Utah and I was like, man, doors aren't going great today, but I'm so glad I get to be outside in this beautiful weather.
• 26:26
  Ben: And you're just implementing what you've practiced into the tough moments.
• 26:32
  Ben: what about, we talked a lot about values.
• 26:37
  Ben: Values are one of my favorite things to talk about.
• 26:39
  Ben: They're also one of the gems that I feel like moves people the most.
• 26:44
  Ben: What are some of the things that you found out about yourself?
• 26:47
  Ben: When we talked about values, do you happen to remember any of that?
• 26:51
  Howie: Yeah.
• 26:52
  Howie: I feel like values were probably one of the harder things for me to understand, and like get my head wrapped around.
• 27:02
  Howie: It wasn't something that I'd normally think about very much.
• 27:04
  Ben: Yeah.
• 27:05
  Howie: and it was something that it, it was like a bigger change.
• 27:09
  Howie: and it was like a, it, it caused me to work hard to, to shift my mind to thinking about values.
• 27:15
  Howie: And so I remember in like the first week of us talking about values, the, my, my homework was to, and, and decisions that I make throughout the day.
• 27:27
  Howie: Just think about what I valued more, or, or what, what I was valuing in that, in that moment.
• 27:34
  Howie: And as I thought about that, it, it really changed like a lot about, the decisions that I was making because it, it showed me who I, who I was.
• 27:48
  Howie: and I was able to compare that to who I wanted to be.
• 27:51
  Howie: Yeah.
• 27:52
  Howie: And yeah, it's,
• 27:54
  Ben: and I would say one of the things about values, like this is one of the uncomfortable things that I teach, but when you can look at your values, like people all the time tell me that health is one of their top values.
• 28:07
  Ben: And I'm like, prove it.
• 28:09
  Ben: Like I look at'em and I'm like, dude, you're, you're not healthy.
• 28:15
  Ben: Prove to me that health is one of your top values and they usually can't do it.
• 28:19
  Ben: And I've had multiple clients that have told me, man, I value health.
• 28:23
  Ben: Well, no, they want to value health.
• 28:25
  Ben: That's a desired value.
• 28:27
  Ben: And when they can get to the moment and be like, man, there is a specific moment where I gotta choose.
• 28:34
  Ben: What are we eating for dinner tonight?
• 28:37
  Ben: Are we going out and eating pizza and garbage?
• 28:41
  Ben: Or are we staying home and fixing a healthy meal?
• 28:45
  Ben: And that's when they get in, they can start to see their reality for what it is as value driven.
• 28:53
  Ben: And they can start to question those values like, man, I'm valuing good tasting food.
• 29:00
  Ben: I'm valuing the ease of having someone else make it for me.
• 29:04
  Ben: I'm valuing feeling full.
• 29:07
  Ben: And when they can look at that and they're like, man, I would so much rather value health.
• 29:13
  Ben: Why am I choosing one of these trivial values over something as big as health?
• 29:18
  Ben: And once you have awareness, you then have the power to choose.
• 29:23
  Ben: let's see.
• 29:24
  Ben: Man, I think we have covered some really good things.
• 29:29
  Ben: Is there anything that you'd like to bring up or anything that you wish I would've asked you about?
• 29:36
  Howie: I can maybe say one more thing about values.
• 29:38
  Ben: Yeah, go ahead.
• 29:39
  Howie: with, with thinking about my values, and, and this wasn't necessarily something that like, I, I don't wanna say like a breakthrough or something I had a, a necessarily like a problem with, but as I thought about, like even just in the decisions of I'm making, like what I'm eating, what I'm gonna do, When I did decide to value, let's say, laziness or I decided to value something that, that maybe I don't, it's not who I want to be.
• 30:10
  Howie: It was more of a decision and I'd feel less guilty about it.
• 30:14
  Howie: Yeah.
• 30:14
  Howie: and it would in the end actually still.
• 30:18
  Howie: Help me more because it was, it was a decision I felt much better about instead of just giving in.
• 30:24
  Howie: It was, it was a more thoughtful decision.
• 30:26
  Howie: Like, no, I am gonna, or I'm gonna order pizza and I'm gonna enjoy the pizza.
• 30:30
  Howie: But then it would help me the next time because I wouldn't have felt guilty about it because it was a conscious decision that I made.
• 30:35
  Howie: 'cause I thought about it.
• 30:36
  Ben: Yeah.
• 30:38
  Ben: In my opinion, that's like going from victim mentality to the hero mentality, like mm-hmm.
• 30:43
  Ben: The victim mentality.
• 30:44
  Ben: You're just kind of flowing, you're just.
• 30:47
  Ben: You're not in a place of awareness to where you can then make the choice in the hero mentality.
• 30:55
  Ben: You have this awareness that you're like, no, I get to choose.
• 30:59
  Ben: In the victim mentality, you're going to kind of identify that, dang, I'm a pizza eater.
• 31:04
  Ben: I have to eat pizza in the hero mentality.
• 31:08
  Ben: You break away from that and you're like, no.
• 31:10
  Ben: I'm choosing to eat pizza.
• 31:12
  Ben: I have this choice for me, like I ate a bunch of pizza yesterday.
• 31:16
  Ben: I took my kids swimming with one of his friends.
• 31:19
  Ben: We planned on a bunch of people coming, so I bought three pizzas and there was just three of us.
• 31:25
  Ben: And so I ate as much as I wanted.
• 31:27
  Ben: I felt like crap last night.
• 31:30
  Ben: And it is one of those things where it's like, alright, I chose that next time I'm in that situation.
• 31:38
  Ben: Two pieces.
• 31:39
  Ben: That's all I'm gonna eat.
• 31:40
  Ben: Like I, you can make bad decisions and allow those to help you be better in the future.
• 31:47
  Ben: 'cause you have awareness.
• 31:49
  Ben: It improves your decision making.
• 31:51
  Ben: Howie, let me ask you this.
• 31:56
  Ben: What would you say to someone who is struggling?
• 31:59
  Ben: Maybe they just came home early from a mission or.
• 32:03
  Ben: maybe it's a parent who's like, man, I don't know how to help my teen or my young adult.
• 32:08
  Ben: If you were to tell'em about your experience working with me and kind of encourage them to work with me, what would you say?
• 32:16
  Howie: I, I would say obviously it's, it's really helped me, maybe a little bit more into that.
• 32:24
  Howie: I'd say that.
• 32:26
  Howie: lemme just think for one second.
• 32:30
  Howie: I'd say there's a lot of surface level stuff that, that you can learn, even through probably listening to the podcast or looking up a life coaching model.
• 32:39
  Howie: Yeah.
• 32:40
  Howie: it's, it's pretty easy to go look at, look it up and, and learn it.
• 32:43
  Howie: But through working with Ben, he's able to, to apply it to your own life and so.
• 32:51
  Howie: I had heard of the life coaching model a lot before, before I did the life coaching with Ben, but when we applied it to my own life and we started talking about my own circumstances, that's when the change happened, and that's when it was a big shift because it, it helps me to put in work.
• 33:09
  Howie: It, it's somebody like a place where I can.
• 33:12
  Howie: I can talk about it and figure it out in my own head, like what I need to do.
• 33:17
  Howie: And so it was huge.
• 33:19
  Howie: It, it really helped me to be able to have somebody that can teach it to me, instead of just, just kinda learning it from like a book or something.
• 33:26
  Ben: Yeah.
• 33:27
  Ben: I feel like that's one of the things that I need in my personal life from time to time.
• 33:31
  Ben: Like I listen to books, podcasts, self-help stuff all the time when I want to really move the needle.
• 33:40
  Ben: I need accountability.
• 33:42
  Ben: I need someone to challenge kind of where I am and how I am viewing things.
• 33:49
  Ben: And someone to, like the homework I gave you, was it super hard?
• 33:55
  Howie: No.
• 33:56
  Ben: Was it super impactful?
• 33:58
  Ben: Yeah.
• 33:59
  Ben: Yeah.
• 34:00
  Ben: Like that's what I need in my life.
• 34:02
  Ben: So, well, Howie, I just, I.
• 34:06
  Ben: Appreciate the time that we got to spend together.
• 34:09
  Ben: I wanted to share your story because I hear from parents all the time that are kind of on the other end.
• 34:17
  Ben: They're worried about their teen or their young adult and the choices that they're making, and I just wanted to highlight you because I think you are a powerful example of making a choice that probably wasn't in line with.
• 34:35
  Ben: What your parents or your church leaders wanted for you, and to really highlight that.
• 34:42
  Ben: Look, guys, there's no right way to do life.
• 34:46
  Ben: There's no right and wrong way to do life, and however you choose to do it, like coming home from a mission early is not easy.
• 34:54
  Ben: Staying on your mission or, or the whole time, that's not easy.
• 34:59
  Ben: You're going to have more.
• 35:01
  Ben: Things come up in your life that are not easy.
• 35:04
  Ben: At some point you're probably gonna get married.
• 35:06
  Ben: Some point you're gonna have children.
• 35:07
  Ben: At some point you're gonna have bills to pay, where you're like, man, we have more bills than we have money.
• 35:11
  Ben: What do we do?
• 35:13
  Ben: These challenging situations, I.
• 35:17
  Ben: Are nothing more than opportunities for growth.
• 35:20
  Ben: And you can apply the exact same principles that we've worked on for the past few months in any one of those circumstances.
• 35:27
  Ben: And I think we brought that up from time to time.
• 35:29
  Ben: Like, oh man, this will help you be a better dad.
• 35:31
  Ben: This will help you be a better husband.
• 35:35
  Ben: So parents, I am inviting you if you're struggling with this or if your teen is struggling with this.
• 35:42
  Ben: Feel free to reach out.
• 35:43
  Ben: You can email me at Ben at Ben Pugh coaching.
• 35:46
  Ben: You can go to my website, ben pugh coaching.com/mini and book a free consultation and if some handsome brute comes knocking on your door trying to sell you pest control.
• 36:00
  Ben: You're in Vancouver, right?
• 36:02
  Howie: Victoria?
• 36:03
  Howie: Yeah.
• 36:04
  Ben: Victoria.
• 36:04
  Ben: Yeah.
• 36:05
  Ben: Let him in.
• 36:06
  Ben: He is a good dude.
• 36:07
  Ben: He's gonna try and help you eliminate all the bugs in your home.
• 36:09
  Ben: I.
• 36:10
  Ben: Unless you consider your teen a pest, he can't help you eliminate them.
• 36:14
  Ben: But you can come to me and I'll help you manage that.
• 36:17
  Ben: So, Howie, anything you wanna say before we sign off?
• 36:23
  Howie: No, I think that was great.
• 36:25
  Howie: Thank you.
• 36:26
  Ben: Yeah.
• 36:26
  Ben: Well, thank you.
• 36:27
  Ben: I Sure.
• 36:27
  Ben: I've appreciated working with you.
• 36:29
  Ben: I appreciate you being willing to be on my podcast.
• 36:32
  Ben: Those of you listening, come back next week.
• 36:36
  Ben: We'll just dive in a little bit deeper into.
• 36:39
  Ben: Ways that you can start being the parent of your dreams and really help your teenager and help you make the most outta the teenage years.
• 36:48
  Ben: So thanks for being here.
• 36:50
  Ben: I'll see you next week.