Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Handle a Boss Who Gaslights You in Private
Transcript
- Lucas: You get out of a one-on-one with your boss and you know what just happened, but you also know that if you told anyone else about it — even a trusted colleague — it would sound like you were being dramatic. Luna: Yeah, because the thing they said that contradicted everything from last week happened when no one else was in the room. Lucas: Exactly. That is the signature of a specific kind of gaslighting at work — the kind that only happens in private. And it's actually the most common form. There was a study in the Journal of Applied Psychology published last year — September 2025 — that looked at over 1,200 workers across industries. They found that 62 percent of what they classified as workplace gaslighting occurred in one-on-one settings, not in group meetings or in public. Luna: So the majority of this stuff is happening where it's your word against theirs. That makes it harder to call out, harder to prove, and way more isolating. Lucas: Right. And the same study found that targets of private gaslighting were 40 percent less likely to report it than those who experienced it in front of others. Which makes sense — if you can't point to a witness, you worry you'll look like the difficult one. Luna: I've seen this pattern especially around performance review season. That's when the stakes are highest, and the rewriting of history gets aggressive. Lucas: That's a really sharp observation. The study actually tracked timing, and yes, gaslighting incidents spiked by roughly 30 percent in the six weeks leading up to annual reviews. Because the boss is building a narrative — and if that narrative conflicts with what they told you in March, the gaslighting is how they resolve the contradiction. They don't admit they changed their mind. They act like the March conversation never happened. Luna: So what do you do when you're in that meeting and you feel the floor shifting under you? Because in the moment, it's disorienting. Lucas: It is designed to be disorienting. So the first thing is to not try to win the argument in that moment. That's a trap. If you push back aggressively, you look emotional, which feeds the narrative they're building. Instead, you want to do three things — and they all hinge on one idea: surface the contradiction without accusing. Luna: I like that framing. Because the accusation is what they'll use against you. So how do you surface it? Lucas: Step one: document the original position as soon as possible. Not after the gaslighting meeting — before. You need a reference point. So after any important conversation where your boss commits to something, send a brief follow-up email. 'Just to make sure I'm tracking correctly: you mentioned we should prioritize X over Y, and that the deadline is the end of the quarter. Let me know if I'm off.' That's not weird. That's good project management. But it becomes your anchor. Luna: And then when they later say 'I never said that,' you have the email. Even if they don't respond, the email exists. Lucas: Exactly. Step two happens in the meeting itself. When they say something that contradicts that anchor, you don't say 'You're wrong.' You ask a specific clarifying question. Something like: 'Help me understand the shift. Last time we talked, you mentioned the priority was X. Has something changed?' That's not combative. That's you trying to understand. And it forces them to either acknowledge the shift — which is fine — or to lie more explicitly, which most people are less comfortable doing when they're put on the spot with a concrete reference. Luna: And if they double down? If they say 'No, I always said Y'? Lucas: Then you go to step three. You say, 'Okay, I want to make sure I'm aligned going forward. Let me capture that and send you a note.' And then you send the follow-up — 'As we discussed, moving forward the priority is Y. I've adjusted my workflow accordingly.' You're not fighting the past anymore. You're creating a paper trail for the new reality. And if this pattern repeats, you have a stack of those emails showing a consistent rewriting of history. Luna: That's really tactical. And it also protects you if you ever need to escalate to HR — because you're not walking in with a vague complaint about feeling gaslit. You're walking in with a pattern of documented contradictions. Lucas: Right. And HR is not going to act on a feeling. They need evidence. The Journal of Applied Psychology study also surveyed HR professionals, and 78 percent said that the most common barrier to acting on gaslighting complaints was insufficient documentation. So the system is set up to require exactly what we're talking about. Luna: But I want to push back a little. Isn't there a risk that this constant documentation changes the dynamic? Like, if your boss realizes you're documenting everything, doesn't that make them more guarded, or even more manipulative? Lucas: It's a real concern. And it depends on how you do it. If you sit in the meeting typing every word on a laptop, yes, that's going to feel adversarial. But a quick follow-up email after the meeting is normal professional behavior. And if your boss asks why you're sending so many recaps, you say 'I just want to make sure I'm executing on your priorities correctly.' That's hard to argue with. You're framing it as respect for their direction, not suspicion. Luna: I buy that. And honestly, if the boss is truly gaslighting, they're probably going to become more cautious — which is actually a win. They might stop doing it because they know there's a record. Lucas: Exactly. That's the ideal outcome. The behavior changes. But if it doesn't, you have to make a harder call. And that's the question that comes up a lot in listener questions: when do you escalate, and when do you just leave? Luna: What's your threshold? Because for me, there's a difference between a boss who occasionally does this under stress — like during a quarterly crunch — and a boss for whom gaslighting is a core management tactic. Lucas: I think the key metric is frequency and pattern. If it's a one-off, you can probably address it with the three-step process and move on. But if you're seeing it weekly, or if it's tied to performance reviews and salary decisions, that's a systemic problem. And the thing that doesn't get said enough is that gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse. It's not just a difficult management style. It is designed to make you doubt your own perception. Over time, that erodes your confidence and your ability to advocate for yourself. Luna: So if you've documented three or four instances, and the pattern is clear, what's the next move? HR? Lucas: HR is an option, but you need to go in realistic. The study found that only about 30 percent of gaslighting complaints led to any action against the manager. Most of the time, the target was moved to a different team or left. So my advice is: before you go to HR, decide what you want the outcome to be. If you want the behavior to stop and you think the organization is healthy enough to address it, then present your documentation clearly. Frame it as a pattern of misalignment, not as a personal attack. Say 'I'm having difficulty getting consistent direction, and it's affecting my ability to deliver. Here are three examples.' Luna: That takes the emotion out. And it forces HR to look at the pattern rather than the accusation. Lucas: Right. But if you suspect the boss is well-liked or politically protected, the honest calculation is that HR may protect them. In that case, your best move might be to start looking for a new role — internally or externally. And I know that's hard to hear, because nobody wants to feel like they have to leave their job because their boss is manipulative. But staying in an environment where you're constantly being gaslit is not sustainable. Luna: And that's where the documentation also helps you — because you're not leaving on a vague feeling. You're leaving with clarity that it's not you, it's the situation. And that makes the job search less desperate. Lucas: Absolutely. And look, we spend a lot of time on this show talking about how to manage up, how to survive difficult bosses. But sometimes the right answer is that the boss is not going to change, and the only thing you can control is whether you stay in that room. Luna: Speaking of making decisions about what you can control — you know, we've been doing this podcast for a while now, and we keep it ad-free because listeners have supported it directly. A couple of dollars a month is genuinely what keeps these going — buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo, if you've gotten something out of them. Lucas: Yeah, I appreciate that. It's a small thing that makes a big difference in keeping this independent. Luna: So back to the private gaslighting pattern — I want to make sure we don't leave people thinking that every contradiction is gaslighting. Sometimes bosses change their mind. Sometimes they forget what they said. How do you distinguish? Lucas: That's a crucial distinction. The difference is in the intent, or at least in the effect. A boss who changes their mind will usually say something like 'I know I said X, but the situation has changed.' They own the shift. A gaslighting boss will say 'I never said that' or 'You must have misunderstood.' They deny reality. So the test is: when you surface the contradiction, do they acknowledge the change or do they deny it happened? Luna: And if they acknowledge it, you're fine. If they deny it, you're dealing with a different animal. Lucas: Yeah. And the three-step framework helps you find out which one you're dealing with without starting a war. The clarifying question alone will usually tell you. If they say 'Oh, right, I meant that we should focus on X for now but pivot later,' that's a reasonable explanation. If they say 'I never said that,' you know what you're up against. Luna: I think that's a really practical takeaway. The clarifying question is low-risk and high-information. Lucas: And it preserves your credibility. Because if you ever do need to escalate, you can point to that moment. You didn't accuse. You asked. And they chose to deny. That's a very different story than 'he said, she said.' Luna: Alright, so quick recap for anyone who needs to walk into a one-on-one tomorrow: send the anchor email after key conversations, use a clarifying question to surface contradictions, and follow up in writing to lock in the new reality. Lucas: That's it. And remember that if the pattern persists, it's not a failing on your part. The research is clear that this is a deliberate tactic used by some managers. Your job is to protect your own perception and your own career. Luna: Thanks, Lucas. That's a tough topic, but a really actionable one. Lucas: Thanks, Luna. We'll be back soon with another episode.