Latest / Shared Light / Ep.8- Foster, Adopt, Evolve: A Deep Dive into the Beautiful & the Hard- Our Story Pt. 2

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Ep.8- Foster, Adopt, Evolve: A Deep Dive into the Beautiful & the Hard- Our Story Pt. 2 · Shared Light

• JR And Dustie Rodriguez: Welcome back to another episode of Shared Light with Dustie and JR. I'm obviously JR. And I'm Dustie. So just to recap a little bit, ⁓ we've shared our personal stories. ⁓ have shared part of our story together. Yeah. First. ⁓ 10 years? No. was the first eight years. Okay. ⁓ Timeline wise, September 1st, 2014. So I guess it would be nine years. Nine years together. Eight years married. Okay, so September 1st. ⁓ Day that will go down is probably. one of the biggest life-changing days we've both experienced. Right? In a good way. That day, I vividly remember we were going about our business. Just living life. Yeah, we're at home. Yeah Get a phone call and it ⁓ ⁓ Idaho Department of Health and Welfare. What your mom called me first. ⁓ that's right. You're right. called me first and said ⁓ sure you have your phone ⁓ JR. Right. ⁓ ⁓ it ⁓ ⁓ Mary is going to call you. Right. And Mary was a social worker at the Department of Health and Welfare. So we get a phone call and they inform us that ⁓ a little girl has been taken into custody per the state. She was just born a few hours ago. were we interested in. stepping in as foster parents. And we were not licensed at this point. At this point we are not yet licensed, ⁓ which we informed Mary, hey we're not, and she said that's not a problem, we'll get you. We'll get you licensed. Right. ⁓ And of course we both said yes, without hesitation, right? To where she informed us, well, as foster parents, do you guys want to come meet baby? ⁓ And we dropped everything and headed to the hospital. We lived like a couple of blocks. couple at this point we're living a few blocks from the hospital. and the baby that was born on that day. is my beautiful baby girl. time she was not. we didn't know that she was going to end up being ⁓ with us permanently. Our daughter, yeah. Right. ⁓ you know, circumstances previous to that. We did have a general idea that that was probably the route it was going to go, but we didn't know for sure. But she was born a little sick. They had to have her in a... ⁓ What are those blankets called? Billy blanket. A Billy blanket. Because she was extremely jaundice and she was tiny, tiny. hooked up to all sorts of, you know, monitors and ⁓ she was pretty sick little baby, the first. days. ⁓ But she was perfect. But she was perfect and is perfect. And they actually gave us the opportunity, they gave you the opportunity to spend the night with her. To just stay at the hospital with her because they didn't want her to be alone. ⁓ They gave me a room. A mom and baby room. And they let her in the room with you, right? Yeah, she stayed in the room with I remember I had to work, but I did come by the hospital in the morning just to see you both. And she was only in the hospital here for like a day or two days maybe. Yeah. Wasn't very long. They got her... I can't think of the name of it right now. Her level's back up. Right. ⁓ And she was able to come home. ⁓ And of course we've never, we've had babies but we weren't that experienced with newborns. So talk about a learning curve for a guy that doesn't like holding babies. Because he feels like, but now it doesn't bother me. But back then it was very much like this fragile little thing, I'm just gonna break with Yeah. It was a transition because two days prior, we didn't know we gonna have a baby. We were just going about our normal day and yeah, like we didn't have anything, nothing like we were not planning for a baby. you know, and I mean, thankfully we have a village, so, you know, our families and everything stepped in and we had everything we need needed that day pretty much. And at the time there was also that that program you were working with where they offered a lot of resources that they could. Like diapers and car seat. And some clothing. And the state has a really good program when you are a foster parent, they offer you resources for stuff too. So it wasn't like totally crazy, but it was in those first few days when you're trying to get all that stuff set up and figure it out, like where is baby sleeping and where is. What are they wearing? And ⁓ I think they sent us home with like a package of diapers from the hospital. And that was, I mean, that was pretty much it. some formula bottles. And then, and it turned out that she couldn't even drink the formula. We ended up having to switch the formula like right after. because she was lactose intolerant, which is a whole other thing. ⁓ But we were home. I remember we were at my mom's with baby and it was only probably two days after she had gotten out of the hospital. Two or three days. Wasn't long. She was maybe a week old. Yeah, total, I think. ⁓ And she had a seizure. And we are first time parents. foster parents at that which brings on a whole other level of bureaucracy that you have to leap through to get things done. ⁓ But we got in the car, went to the hospital. My mom at the time only lived like a block or two from the hospital. And she worked there. And she worked there. So we knew people there. So we got, you know, we take her to the hospital. And I remember that being one of the scariest moments of my life. Because, you know, instantly. Doctors are surrounding baby and they have no idea what's going And then they tell us that they're going to life flight her to ⁓ ⁓ the ⁓ NICU unit ⁓ the NICU unit in ⁓ St. Luke's here in the Valley. ⁓ Because they have no ⁓ what would cause it. They have no idea what would. ⁓ it's not. Like for a baby that's really not good. I mean, it's not good anyway, but for a couple of days old baby, it's like really just life-threatening. And... I remember us leaving the hospital and just coming and getting like a few things of clothes and both of us were like in tears the whole time. Cause we were scared like we had. I think we're just in. Go mode like I don't even remember if we told anybody or called any I no idea all I know is that we stopped at the house and then Drove straight to like as we got there at lifelight was yeah, like we booked it getting they were getting there and We were at the hospital with her for 10 days. You know, we didn't sleep. That was hard. We didn't eat very much. ⁓ Constantly with her, just making sure that we're trying to get information as we can and trying to understand what's happening. You know, they're running. gobs and gobs. Yeah, I mean, they're running all sorts of tests to check for infections and neurological issues and anything else that they could possibly think of. And I think that process was, I mean, it was hard for me just because it's a whole different dynamic when you're the foster parents. And so, you know, they have to get, you don't have really any authorization. No. So, you know, when they would come to us and say, we need to do a spinal tap. It's basically, well, again, it's bureaucracy. You to call the social worker or the social worker has to call mom. Birth parents. ⁓ And that's a whole other dynamic because they can get ahold of you if they can't get ahold of you, whatever. Right. And then they're calling the hospital and the hospital can only tell us so much because we're foster parents. ⁓ I just remember that aspect of it being really hard for me because they wouldn't always be forthcoming with information even though we'd be sitting in the room and they knew something, you know, like they wouldn't always tell us right away like they had to get permission or so there was a lot of unknown. And the irony in that is that we had a really good relationship with the department and they gave us a lot of information as they could but I don't feel like it's probably that way for every. Well and I think. For every experience. No. Just because we did have such a good relationship with them from working with them previously with other projects and but so I mean ⁓ one of those things that you don't A lot of people don't think about when they think about the dynamics of foster care and some of the things that they have, you know, foster parents have to deal with just to make sure that the kids are have what they need and are able to be, to be seen and cared for. and, it's, it's a very strange dynamic. ⁓ a part of me understands the legality of it. but it does not discount the frustrations that I have because when you're a parent, foster parent or not, you want the best for your child. And oftentimes, even if it's the right decision, you still have to get that permission from a separate entity to... to approve it, ⁓ which is like she said, it's a frustrating dynamic because... You're not. Not that you're able to control the situation anyway, but in that aspect you are even less in control. Yeah. And you have less of the information that you need to make the decisions that you feel you need to make to make sure that that your kid is getting the care that they deserve or need. But it was, there was a lot of uncertainty in that time. And that was just our focus 24-7. I remember, you know, we stayed at the Ronald McDonald house. ⁓ And that was, you know, a godsend for us because we weren't thinking about eating or, you know, we were just so focused on her and her care and what was going on that you know, they just provided us somewhere to sleep and eat when we needed to or wanted to and... Yeah, It allowed for... us to have a place to not have to think about that in that moment the things that don't matter. Right. Like in that instance, I didn't care about eating. I didn't care about where I was sleeping. I didn't care about like, I just needed to make sure she was okay. And it was a godsend because I don't think that we would have been able to. I mean, I'm sure our families would have stepped in and made sure that we were okay and, you know, brought us stuff. We were still close enough to home that we could have drove home every day and gone back and forth and back and forth. But yeah, that moment you don't want to be away from for more than a few minutes really. 30 minute drive was like, that's an hour just driving to and from plus whatever you need to go do. You just, you when you're in that situation, that's all you can think of. You know, you just want to be there with her. And at this point in time, Like I don't want to say it was a dark moment. No, I mean it was, it was a hard moment. It was hard. It was very scary. I didn't remember that. It was very scary. ⁓ just the unknown. But I think, you know, we leaned into each other really hard in in those, in that, in that timeframe. Yeah. And really everything else outside of that was just noise for me. Luckily I had, again, a fantastic boss that was understanding of the situation and... I don't remember if you were working then. was at the fire department. ⁓ that's right. So. So I had, mean, I had a lot of leniency there just because, you know, my mom worked there and they were very like, yeah, whatever you need. Like, you know, we both were blessed that way. Yeah. Yeah. think we were super lucky. We didn't have to, about work at all. ⁓ But. ⁓ You know, the miracle about it was. that she was perfectly fine. It was an instant that when it was all said and done, the doctor said, you know, it may be. It may be that she has this one and that's it for the rest of her life or it may be that they're going to be intermittent throughout her life. Yeah, but it's not anything that they thought needed medication or right. It wasn't, it wasn't like a diagnosis of something that she would struggle with or, it was. Our body just couldn't take everything that it was going through. Right. Because she had birth. Yeah. Again, she had a traumatic birth. was a very traumatic birth and... I mean, I guess it's kind of like our whole topic on light and dark, right? Like eventually everything comes to roost and you gotta, your body deals with it at some Yeah, she had a lot going on in her little body for being a week ⁓ that time period after that. We really just... dove head first into being parents. And within a matter of days, was like this shift. And we really just, that was our focus. Yeah. mean, complete focus was just her and us. And our little family. You know, she was still foster, but she was still our family, you know, and That's a whole nother topic or dynamic that I don't know we may or may not get into at some point, but she, you know, is biologically related to you. ⁓ Not to me, but to you biologically. so ⁓ we kind of knew like nothing is a hundred percent in foster care ever. you know, even from one day to the next, it's never. And we had those scary moments. We had those scary moments with court too. But overall, given the history, given, you know, what we had already experienced with previous children, like in our family, we knew more than likely this was headed for adoption, but we still, we had to go through the process either way. And it was... ⁓ in some instances, but we, again, we dove, I mean, she was ours. ⁓ From the moment we held her. From the moment I knew she was my daughter. She was, she is everything. Her and her sister are everything to me with you. like, it's kind of like with each other, right? We just We just knew. ⁓ Yeah, and we, you know, I mean, I think not that we love her differently or we whatever, but I feel like for me, the connection was a little different in just that I was scared, I guess, or nervous because for you, it's an automatic because she is biologically related to you. You know, she is of your blood. And not that that mattered to me, but I was nervous about our connection in the beginning, you know, like... I'm her mom, but are we going to establish that connection? 100 % we did. Like I didn't, I had nothing to worry about. I think within the first few hours. Yeah, like we just. I remember her, I remember her at the hospital crying and nobody being able to to mellow her out. And as soon as you grabbed her, she settled down. it wasn't like this long drawn out process. It was like, were mom from day one. But to your point, there's a lot that goes on in foster care and especially when you start moving towards the adoption process through foster care. There's a lot of moments that you have to, like with everything, there's a process that you have to go through. Yeah, and they have different rules and regulations that you have to follow. There's timelines that you have to follow. know, she had to live with us for at least six months before, you know, adoption was even. in the conversation. it wasn't just a right away thing. Well, and then in this whole period, like you're still going to court and you're still doing all of these things because the state is advocating for, for her reunification, And as a foster parent, You don't really have a right to say like, want baby with me or I, know, this is my baby. It's, it's, you're working towards that same goal of reunification. it's a very, it can be challenging at times with that dynamic because you do want what's best for the child. And sometimes, especially in our instance, like we knew that the best thing was for her to be with us. Yeah. think every such like every single, there's no foster care case that is identical. Every single one is going to be different. The circumstances are different in every single case. but even ⁓ for period of time, ⁓ I still in that mindset of I need to be, of course, foster mom to her and take care of her and give her my all. But I also need to be involved in the reunification process. And if there is a way that I need to... help birth mom or you know, whatever that process looks like, that's still my responsibility and yours. that's what you are when you're a foster parent. You know, you're not just a hundred percent ⁓ care of the kid. Like you're ⁓ ⁓ in helping both parties. ⁓ so ⁓ was really hard for me because our situation was so different and there was so many other elements to it that I couldn't always be that person. It gets challenging for sure. Yeah. Because like I say, you get to that point where you, you feel like the best possible outcome in this situation is that she stays with us. Yeah. And that wasn't just coming from a selfish point of view that was coming from. That's just what the situation was. Reunification would have been the worst possible thing. In this instance? In our case, yes, for the baby. So that was really hard to navigate. It was really hard for me to navigate visits when I had to go drop her off. And she only had two visits, it came to an end pretty quickly, the visits. But even in that aspect on some of the court dates, it was you guys need to make sure you got all of her stuff with you because she could go home today. Yeah, like every court date, we had to make sure that we prepared ourselves for that, for we might have to come home and pack up all her stuff and she's gone, you know. But. It's one of those situations, like we said, that there's a process that you have to follow. At the end of day, the outcome is you want what's best for the child. Yeah. No matter what you want for yourselves. Right. And we navigated it and did everything we needed to do. And she was officially adopted. 6, 2015. So she was not even a year old yet. Again, at this point in time, like our sole focus is ⁓ and being a little family and it was everything we wanted to be as parents and wanted in ⁓ And finally this dream and miracle had come true and. ⁓ We are just living our best life. mean, we were extremely happy at this point. I mean, we were already happy in our marriage. Right. But she was definitely our missing piece. 100%. 100%. And so when she came, it felt like this is it. Like this is what we've been waiting for. Yeah. And we're complete. And then she turns a year old. Yeah, she turned a year old. In August. August. We had a birthday party. had a party. the whole thing. It was... And she was so tiny. Yeah. I remember her first year, her first birthday. I had, her outfit was three to six months. because she was so small but she was a year old people for the longest time thought that she was gonna be a little person because she was so small even the doctor yeah she was so small she was tiny and then ⁓ you know, a couple months later, November 16th, November 16th, actually on November 16th, we were at 2015. were at a birthday party. And we get a random call from the I had no idea. Yeah. We were, we did not see this coming. No, not even from a thousand miles away. And at this point, was not Mary. was a different social worker that called us, and told us this baby has been taken into custody and she your biological sister. full biological Do you guys have room for her? And I mean, what are you saying that that instance, right? We didn't hesitate. ⁓ And it was same deal. You guys, she was just born a few hours ago. Do you guys want to come meet her? And we did. And the one distinct thing that I remember about that first visit is that she had the biggest smile I had ever seen on a baby. She had the biggest cheeks. It was like, then boom, big old cheeks. And she was just the happiest little baby. Even just brand new. Yeah. I mean, she was smiling the whole time. Yeah. She was like not even a day old and she was already. And. She was in a lot better health than our child was born. I she had a traumatic birth ⁓ process. ⁓ she super healthy. mean. But she was, once they got her stable. Right. ⁓ She good, but she was perfect too. ⁓ Yeah. it was. Same deal, like you got to spend the night at the hospital there too, I think. ⁓ And at this point, we've been through the process, so we understand what the dynamics are. Yeah, we understand what's coming, but it still was like... She belongs with us. ⁓ that instant connection of yeah, she's ours. ⁓ And that feeling of. I didn't even realize this piece was missing, but this is what completes. Yeah. we didn't even know ⁓ was a little a missing piece, but she was, you know, cause we were so involved in ⁓ focused our oldest that. And then here she comes out of nowhere. And they're like, what, 16 months apart? 14 months apart. 14. So, I mean, they... People thought they were twins because our oldest was so little. Yeah. They were the same size for a long time. ⁓ she got up to her sister's size, they kind of just stayed that way for a long time and everybody thought they were twins. But ⁓ think they call them like Irish twins or something when they're that close in age. But, ⁓ ⁓ don't feel like her. I mean, I do remember a few instances that were a little scary, but I don't feel like the process with her was near as scary for me. Yeah. Well, and it was quicker. Yeah. It was quicker just because our oldest case was so fresh still that they had already gone through trying to reunify and that whole process, not even a year before that. And so it will in the same year. Yeah. was just months. And so they were like, we're basically going to do what we have to do legally, but they're going to expedite, we're going to expedite it. And they ended up being the ones to, you know, put on like the aggravated circumstance so that they could terminate rights a lot sooner. And cause they just, you know, if it had been years, I think in between, they probably would have gone through the whole. Yeah. Reunification process again. But since it had only been a few months, since they just went through this with the same person, the same people, like they just were like, no, we're not. And so. And I remember even the conversations from the state being different. Yeah, it was all them. Like it was nothing that we had really an influence on. It was at that point, stance is no, you guys need to do everything to protect babies. Yes. ⁓ And they had already determined with our oldest a few months prior that this was the best for baby. And why would it be any different a few months later for this one? So it was a lot quicker and she ended up being adopted. November 2nd. Hers was right at under a year but I think a lot of that was like getting into court. Yeah. I don't even feel like it was. No it wasn't. It was just getting a court date and You know, you do have to do the six months still and all of that. But yeah, she was adopted November 2nd, 2016. She wasn't even a year old. And they are our light. Yeah, 100 percent. They bring me joy that I cannot, could not even fathom. It's not ever anything that I dreamed about, thought about. It's a very, it's one of the things that I pride myself most in is being their dad. Yeah. Same. it's a whole nother level. you know, I always tell you like my proudest title is being your wife. ⁓ but it's a whole nother level. when you become parents. It's not that it's one better than the other. It's just completely different. I think the joy and the light and the, you know, not that it's not challenging. I mean, yeah, I mean, they're kids. Being a parent is challenging, you know, but there's worries that you didn't even know that you could have when you have kids for sure. Yeah. And you know, at the time they were born and at the time they were little at that point, my, my mentality completely focused and changed. I really dove into, now I really need to, focus in on what I'm doing to make sure that you guys are taken care of. Uh, so I, I really dove into work. Um, and More it was just about wanting to build whatever career I was going to have and make sure that I was, know, financially, that we were financially stable, that we were going to start building towards the things that I felt we needed and that. We didn't really talk about what those goals were, but it was a very, I've really internalized like this is what I need to do to make sure that you guys are taken care of. Yeah. Well, because also at the time, you know, once our youngest came, I was like, I don't want to go to work for eight hours a day. Like I want to be home with our kids. That's what I've always wanted to be. Like everybody dreams like, I want to be a lawyer and want to be a whatever, I just wanted to be a mom. That was it. Like that was what I wanted to do with my life. And so I didn't want to put them in daycare for eight, 10 hours a day. And so I think that made you focus even more because I did end up leaving the fire department and being a stay at home mom. Again, to your point, it hyper-focused what I needed to do. that was, and not in those first years, but eventually that is what led to some of the darkness that we experienced together. Because at this point in time, you're hyper-focused on the kids. I'm hyper-focused on doing what I need to do to make sure that you guys are supported. And we start that. You know, I talked about where there's instances where people start basically being roommates. Yeah. I call it autopilot. Yeah. And we hit a stage in our marriage where it was that. Yeah. And, ⁓ it leads to situations where ⁓ I start feeling. some insecurities on my end. Yeah. And ⁓ through insecurity, do stupid. which led to a very challenging situation that we experienced and that my insecurities led to me starting to talk to females. and never cheated, never did anything, but it was not appropriate for ⁓ our relationship. Again, it was a lot of insecurities on my part, just feeling like maybe I'm not doing enough. Maybe I need to feel a certain way to be, to feel like I'm being enough. Yeah. Like being, or like I am being the man and I am, you know, it's, it's a lot of that. ⁓ I don't want to blame it totally on culture, but it is a lot of that machismo style. Yeah. Cultural background that I come from anyway. But it's definitely rooted in insecurities within me, which we've talked about and had really honest conversations about. ⁓ ⁓ It eventually came to a head and. and I never like cheated or anything like that. I very much put myself in a situation where it could have led to that. I guess is the easiest way to put it. Yeah. And I think ⁓ at the time it was, we were on autopilot ⁓ you know. Not that I'd take blame for your actions, but we also were in a place in our marriage where I was recognizing or seeing what you needed. You know, I wasn't giving you the things that you were seeking at the time. ⁓ ⁓ you know, think the part of it that ⁓ bothered the most or, you know, that hurt me the most was that it was ⁓ not hurt me, but more, ⁓ it me because that is where ⁓ those of things start. Right. ⁓ that's ⁓ you really put yourself in a situation that you ⁓ did up cheating or. Right. ⁓ You end up building a relationship with somebody else and. Right. ⁓ Again, it was not a good situation and it was a very. hard situation for us to navigate. The positive that came from that situation is for the first time in very long time, we had a very honest conversation. Yeah. I think it's what got us out of just living in autopilot. Yeah. And it really started the conversation. started the communication. to lead us to where we are today. Which is not ideal. Yeah, I you don't want to come to that conclusion from something like that. Right, right. But, you know, like I've said before, things need to happen for whatever reason. ⁓ still, ⁓ though it was a dark time and it was ⁓ easy to get through and ⁓ needed to happen ⁓ it actually ⁓ us better. Well, I know that the only reason that we were able to come out better on the other end of it is because ⁓ we were able to address it in a very manner. ⁓ And I was. ⁓ Probably for the first time in the entire time we were married, I was able to come to you from a place of, this is how I feel. as opposed to just trying to numb it out or suppress it out. It was very, hard for me just because I've. know men don't do that or... Yeah, it's not a comfortable thing for you. No. Like it's not that I don't find value in it or anything. It's just something that was never instilled or ingrained in me. And it's very much, that's me. ⁓ don't talk about feelings. don't, ⁓ deal with your feelings the way you need to deal with them, but you deal with them alone. ⁓ But not in this instance. think this was, like I said, it was the first time that I can think of, you know, at this point we've had a lot of things go on. You know, my cousin died, that whole thing, the whole situation, you know, with the fallout with me and my family, the, you know, some of the challenges that I had and a lot of different things that have happened and, you know, challenges that. that were hard that I probably should have spoke about at that point. I didn't, just. Internalized. Yeah, status quo and internalize it and you do what you do and it doesn't allow for as close as we were and as much as I loved you then and as much as I, you ⁓ I still had you at little bit of a distance. ⁓ Emotionally. Right. Yeah. ⁓ And think this was first time ⁓ ever that I allowed you that, ⁓ that scary space for me. Because I was, I I was scared. knew I had done something stupid and I knew that there was a real possibility that you would say, like no I'm not doing this. to your point, I mean, we got through it. Yeah. But. also shelved some of that. Yeah, I did. I had to. ⁓ I think for me I had to because you know like I talked about when I shared my story That was kind of the MO in my other relationships. It's, you know, other women and whatever. but me, ⁓ I this was in 2020. So it wasn't like, we had been married 14 years or whatever at that point. It was not something that ⁓ I willing to ⁓ just go of, you know, And I wasn't willing to just be like, ⁓ that's who he is. Because I knew it wasn't, you know, I knew there was something ⁓ There was something else ⁓ to this. And for me, ⁓ I'm very black and white person ⁓ most the time. ⁓ And ⁓ for it's very easy, like ⁓ once I am done, I'm done. it's over, it's done. ⁓ And did not want that. So I for myself ⁓ had shelve it ⁓ so I could move on ⁓ and could repair because I know myself ⁓ and I have been able to. communicate and do the work and. if I hadn't. And it was also at this point in time when I... I realized a lot of things about myself and I started doing a lot of work on me. Yeah. because I'll be the first to say I do have a huge ego. Huge. And it's something that I fight with all the time and that was part of what contributed to that, right? And it's taken me ⁓ years to get to that point where I can confront that and say, yeah, I've got all of these, like I have these things that I know. But I've only been able to do that because I have really worked hard to, work on who I am as a person. ⁓ Because at point I realized, you I cannot be what I need to be for you and the kids ⁓ if I'm happy with me. ⁓ And that's lot of what those insecurities are is I, you know, I was not happy with who I was as a person ⁓ internally. wasn't I felt like I was a bad person or anything, but. You numbed stuff out for so long. that to your point, it eventually you gotta deal with all that stuff. will come back. ⁓ this allowed me the opportunity to look that. And you know, with that, we can get into the rest of the story, ⁓ know, next time. and get you to ⁓ we are today. ⁓ you know, I appreciate everyone listening. You guys have a blessed week. And like I said time, please make sure you're shining your light on someone.