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Stop Trying to Be 'Normal': Why Standard Systems are Toxic for ADHD Moms | 017 · Quick Wins for ADHD Moms - Short Episodes, Real Solutions for Burnout and Overwhelm

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey friend, welcome back to Quick Wins for ADHD moms.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Jessica Lynn Lewis, and today's quick win is really simple, but it's so powerful.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Stop comparing yourself to everyone else.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I'm guilty here too.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's easier said than done.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I do this all the time, and I don't mean to.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: It just I need to be more intentional about not comparing myself to other people.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing is, you can do this.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a little bit of a mindset shift.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're figuring things out just a little bit at a time, and that's okay.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: We're not in a rush here.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Our ADHD brains want to fix everything right now and figure everything out, but we have all the time in the world.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And your journey doesn't need to look like everyone else's.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: So why compare ourselves to other people?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on in our brains?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I think that a lot of people have other ideas and we see it as a shiny new project, shiny new system, shiny new notebook.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, they're using that.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: That should work for me too.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that's fun.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes, yes, maybe that could work for us.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, we spend a lot of money trying to figure out what works and what doesn't, don't we?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and and how to simplify everything.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Simplification is actually really complex.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: But once you figure out your system and simplify your system, it does, it is simple.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: But the process getting there is really difficult.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it takes time figuring out exactly what works for you.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: So again, today's a quick win.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Stop comparing yourself to everyone else.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Our ADHD brains need structure.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: We need outside structure, but it has to be simple, or we'll try reinventing the wheel all over again.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I find myself in this trap all the time.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, well, that's too simple.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's too simple.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: So let me add a lot of bells and whistles.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Let's make this system more fun, right?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times let's just take away the fun part.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just keep the system as a system and it just works better.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, finding things like that new notebook or journal, that's gonna be the answer for me.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And again, maybe it is.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, or that new app.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I need to just have a new app to log my sleep.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that will make everything better.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe this new YouTube channel.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, this is gonna change my life.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: But then a week later, we are breaking the system.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: We're not watching, we're not consistent, and we just find ourselves in this hamster wheel.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I get into that trap too.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want a system.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I want freedom from a system.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: But what we forget is that the system is designed for our brain.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: We figure out our own systems, not someone else's system.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: We figure out our own schedule, not someone else's schedule.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, does this does this resonate with you?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Do you find yourself in this hamster wheel as well?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've bought something really expensive and it was supposed to be this productivity method, like this notebook with all of the colors and everything coded and planning and written out for you, and everyone else swears by it.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: And you think, well, why isn't this working for me?
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like what's wrong with me?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, nothing is wrong with you.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: You're just trying something, and it's okay if it doesn't work, but maybe take some time and reflection to figure out maybe why isn't that working?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: What is going on here?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: We all have different lives and different circumstances.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of copying someone else's system exactly, let me inspire you.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can try it.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: You have all the freedom in the world to try all the different things.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: So try it, test it, and then adjust it to fit your life.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Comparent only gets toxic when we use it as proof that we're failing.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: But when we use it as inspiration, yes, that's where it can serve us.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we've talked about before about personal values, and this is why they're such a powerful filter.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say one of your top values is connection.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: So this means that your systems need to make room for people and conversations and relationships.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: A rigid system that isolates you won't work even if it looks great on paper.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe your top value is creativity.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: So this means you probably need flexibility in your routines, lots of space to brainstorm or play and not a system that locks in every moment of your day.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: When you know your values, you really stop comparing yourself so much because you realize, oh, that like that's really cool and that works great for them.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I see that they value productivity, but that design is too rigid for my value of having more freedom in my life and more creativity.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So my my brain wasn't designed to be in that rigid system.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we're not all on identical journeys, and we can all be thankful for that, right?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but we can also bring all of our stories together and we can learn from each other.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: We can swap ideas.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I started this podcast is because I don't want to be in my own brain all the time.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I know that some of the past struggles that I have had with myself and with my own kids, getting them out the door in the morning or being at a playground, and my child is beating up another kid and like the shame and guilt that comes with that, and realize, no, it's not okay that he's getting into trouble with another kid.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's that how do I react to that?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And why is he doing that?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe it's an overstimulation thing.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I know there's other moms who are in this same situation, and things happen so fast, especially with kids, and you just can't think fast enough in the moment.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so this is more about having those conversations of, oh yeah, that happened to me too, or oh yes, my kid is like that too.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: What has worked for you?
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: How can it work for me?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: How can I adjust it so it works with our schedule and circumstances and our family values and personal values?
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And again, it's just this idea exchange and coming together and sharing our stories and helping each other through this really difficult time of life, I think.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we don't want to compare ourselves with others, but we can definitely share stories so that we can see how these things actually play out in real life.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: So today's quick win: stop comparing yourself.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Use what you see as a starting point, but not as proof that you're behind in any way.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Just adjust it, make it yours, and simplify it.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, and speaking of simplifying, I'm really excited about some upcoming conversations.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: In the last episode, Ada and I talked about inner seasons and how understanding your menstrual cycles changes everything.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, next up, I'll be talking with Miriam Ortiz-Pino.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: She's a professional organizer.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Don't we all wish we had one of those on call, right?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and then in a few more weeks, we will have Julie Legg.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: She'll be joining me and sharing what it was like to be diagnosed at 52 and how navigating this creative journey has led her to writing a book.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm excited to share that with you.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: You won't want to miss those.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thanks for spending just a little bit of time with me today.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, your systems don't have to look like anyone else's.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're building this for you, and that's exciting.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing amazing one step at a time.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if you found this episode helpful or maybe encouraging, I would love to have you maybe write a write a review, write and see what other things that maybe you have topics that you'd like us to discuss or guests.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: We love to have guests on the show.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: You can email me directly, jessica at theadhdmom.com, and of course visit our website, theadhdmom.com.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Well, again, this was quick wins for ADHD moms.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: So glad you're here.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Have a wonderful week.