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Are You Overparenting? 7 Signs You’re Doing Too Much · Raising Daughters

• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Hello friends, Doctor Tim back here. It's a brand new podcast,
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: a brand new topic. Although it's a topic I bet
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: you're tired of hearing about, and I hesitated about doing
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: this podcast. And I've got a couple of really interesting stories.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: As you know, I love stories. I love metaphors. So
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna offer you three of those today about the
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: topic of are you doing too much for your children?
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Are we doing too much for our kids in this
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: day and age. I think most people would say that
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: we are. And so what I'd like to do is
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  Speaker 1: offer you some ideas about why it might not be
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  Speaker 1: a good idea. I'm musa start with the story about
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  Speaker 1: a young girl who was outside with their grandfather and
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: she asked him for some advice about how to become
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  Speaker 1: successful in life. So the grandfather said, let's do an experiment.
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  Speaker 1: So there were two sapling trees, two small trees are
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  Speaker 1: ready to be planted. They planted one in the back
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  Speaker 1: of the yard where we get lots of sun and
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  Speaker 1: lots of water, and the other one they put in
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  Speaker 1: a big pot and they place it in the greenhouse
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  Speaker 1: where they could keep it safe and warm and dry.
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  Speaker 1: They could give it lots of fertilizer, and it wouldn't
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  Speaker 1: have to, you know, be outside in the bad weather.
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  Speaker 1: And so the grandfather said, let's see which one becomes
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  Speaker 1: more successful and grow to its full potential. And he
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  Speaker 1: asked his daughter which one do you think we'll do that?
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  Speaker 1: And the daughter said the indoor tree, because it was
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  Speaker 1: rougher and scarier outside. The grandfather said, you may be right.
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  Speaker 1: We'll see that winter there's a lot of lot of snow.
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  Speaker 1: And the girl would see the tree outside covered, and
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  Speaker 1: she was convinced it might not make it through the winter.
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  Speaker 1: So when the spring came, this girl was surprised to
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  Speaker 1: see that the outdoor plant was growing and thriving and
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  Speaker 1: much larger than the indoor plant. And she said, grandfather,
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  Speaker 1: I don't understand. They had to deal with the wind
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  Speaker 1: and the rain and the snow and that freezing weather.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: And the grandfather said, maybe all those things that seemed
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  Speaker 1: so harsh and like challenges actually helped that tree establish
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  Speaker 1: deeper roots. And maybe success in life is more about withstanding,
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  Speaker 1: surviving and thriving in spite of your circumstances. Great lesson
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  Speaker 1: for his granddaughter, great lesson for all of us. It's
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  Speaker 1: sometimes during those times of striving times, of when times
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  Speaker 1: are tough, that we learn the most about ourselves and
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  Speaker 1: we gather the grit and the strength and the courage
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  Speaker 1: to go on to the next thing. Here's another story
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  Speaker 1: for you. A man bought a catalpa tree because he
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  Speaker 1: loved their big, fragrant flowers. It began this his little
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: three foot flimsy stick with a bamboo steak holding it up,
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  Speaker 1: and for an entire year he watered it regularly and
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  Speaker 1: occasionally checked to see if it was strong enough to
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  Speaker 1: have the steak removed. But every time he did that
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  Speaker 1: it bent over to the ground when the wind blew,
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  Speaker 1: so he would quickly restake it. By the second year,
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  Speaker 1: it had hardly grown and looked as weak as ever,
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  Speaker 1: and the man thought, well, I must have bought a
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  Speaker 1: defective tree. And he got really impatient, and so he
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  Speaker 1: removed the steak, thinking it's either going to live it
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  Speaker 1: it's going to die. I'm tired of bathing it. And surprisingly,
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  Speaker 1: within a month the tree stiffened up and began to grow,
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  Speaker 1: and by the end of the year it hardly looked
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  Speaker 1: like the same tree. It was strong and putting out
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  Speaker 1: new branches. It was thriving. I wonder how often parents
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  Speaker 1: make the mi steak of staking their children too long.
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  Speaker 1: We see them struggling or are stuck and assume there's
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: something wrong with them. In this day and age, how
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: only do we do that, but we look for a diagnosis,
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  Speaker 1: We look to medicate, we look for special services when
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  Speaker 1: sometimes they're just struggling for about something. Parents tend to
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  Speaker 1: jump in and micromanage and do for their kids what
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  Speaker 1: they can and probably should be doing for themselves. And
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  Speaker 1: like that catal patry, it can hinder their growth and development,
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  Speaker 1: leaving them young and with low confidence and self efficacy.
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  Speaker 1: It can be scary to pull back and let kids
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  Speaker 1: figure things out on their own. It's scary to take
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  Speaker 1: that steak out, but it's the only way for them
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  Speaker 1: to develop strong roots and grit. Remember the cataal patry.
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  Speaker 1: One more story, which is one of my favorites. Give it.
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  Speaker 1: I do this story and talks a lot because of
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: the message. It involves a grandfather. Again, maybe I'd like
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  Speaker 1: these grandfather stories. I'm the grandfather of five grandkids. But
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  Speaker 1: a grandfather brought his young granddaughter the gift of a cocoon.
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  Speaker 1: He told her to be patient because inside that cocoon
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  Speaker 1: was a caterpillar and he needed to grow at his
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  Speaker 1: own pace inside that show, he told her. At some
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  Speaker 1: point the caterpillar in that cocoon would begin to move
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  Speaker 1: as he was trying to transform himself into a butterfly,
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  Speaker 1: and she might be tempted to help him out, he said.
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  Speaker 1: The sides will probably bulge out, he said, but you
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  Speaker 1: need to stay patient, let the butterfly come out on
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  Speaker 1: its own, and then he left. Sure enough, a couple
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  Speaker 1: weeks later, the cocoon began to wiggle, and over the
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  Speaker 1: preceding days, the little girl began to feel sorry for
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  Speaker 1: that poor little butterfly who was aching to come out
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  Speaker 1: of his cocoon. So she took a very sharp knife
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  Speaker 1: and she carefully slit a hole down the side of
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  Speaker 1: the cocoon, and a moment later, out popped a beautiful,
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  Speaker 1: colorful butterfly, and the girl was delighted. The creature dusted
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  Speaker 1: off her wings and flew a few feet before she
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  Speaker 1: plopped onto the table. She tried it again for the
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  Speaker 1: same result, and then kind of wiveled away to the
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  Speaker 1: edge of the table, and then the butterfly took off
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  Speaker 1: flew a few feet before falling to the floor dead.
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  Speaker 1: The little girl was crushed and she began to cry.
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  Speaker 1: What she had failed to understand was that the butterfly
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  Speaker 1: needed time to push against the walls of her sheelle
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  Speaker 1: to push fluids down the length of her wings, strengthening
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  Speaker 1: them so that when she emerged into the world she
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  Speaker 1: would have the strength to fly and survive. It was
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  Speaker 1: a struggling that allowed her to be ready to thrive
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  Speaker 1: and survive. And so it is with our children. What's
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  Speaker 1: good for the butterfly is also good for your children.
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  Speaker 1: What's good for that catapatry is also good for our children.
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  Speaker 1: And what's good for planting trees outdoors is also good
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  Speaker 1: for our kids. There are times we need to step
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  Speaker 1: in and support them, but sometimes we do more than that.
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  Speaker 1: We talk too much. We problem solve, we rescue. We
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: go up and talk to teachers for them. We talk
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  Speaker 1: to coaches for them. I've seen parents who go and
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  Speaker 1: argue with their daughter's friends when there's a problem going on.
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  Speaker 1: All that can hinder their growth, especially their emotional their
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  Speaker 1: social emotional growth. So don't stake them for too long.
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  Speaker 1: Give them opportunities to think for themselves, talk for themselves,
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  Speaker 1: problem solve, for themselves, take care of themselves, because again,
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  Speaker 1: it's in that struggling sometimes that they grow the most,
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  Speaker 1: allowing them to be right to go out into the
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  Speaker 1: world someday, to survive and to thrive. What's good for
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  Speaker 1: the butterfly is also good for your children. Check out
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: my website at www Dot Dr Tim Jordan dot com
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  Speaker 1: for resources for your daughters, my summer camps, my weekend retreats,
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: my books, my school program, all kinds of things there,
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: and it's www Dot Dr Tim Jordan dot com. I'll
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  Speaker 1: be back here in a week with a brand new topic.
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  Speaker 1: If you have ideas, send them to me on that website.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: I'd be glad to listen. I'd be glad to hear
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: what you're looking for and what you'd like information on.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: I'll be back here in a week with a brand
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  Speaker 1: new topic. Thank you so much for stopping back.